Purrrrrrr. Happy sigh. I am a happy tree fruit today.
A physically exhausted tree fruit, but a happily blissful tree fruit nonetheless.
I spent my weekend hugging some of my favorite people ever, making great new friends and playing volley ball in the pool at 1 AM at a rockin' Halloween party. I can't wait for those pictures. Crystal looked smokin' hot, Heather and Mark cracked me up with their creativity and Dane makes the best fuzzy dice I've ever seen. Good times.
The weekend left me feeling loved and knowing that those special relationships in life transcend location, time and life experiences. Crystal also said something that got me thinking. "No regrets Sarah, no regrets." It was in reference to a rather giggly matter, but the general concept resonated with me. Some mistakes have been made, on my part and on the part of others. Holding regret in my heart, lamenting my choices and putting energy into something I cannot change is an exercise in futility. I thought about this coming from someone who I know has experienced the kind of pain that no one should, and knew that it was the truth. That those challenges in life that bring us pain, that thwart our efforts toward progress and boggle the mind are the same challenges that are already in the past by the time we are able to fully realize the complexities of said challenges. All I can do now is try to live it right and heal along with my son. Luckily, a select core few have stuck around through a lot of growing pains. I am truly blessed in that regard.
I also was able to finally piece together the reality that I've essentially been in shock these past few months and am just now beginning to feel the feelings. It makes perfect sense as the summer has just been a roller coaster of events and results of those events, washing over me in huge waves. How else can I begin to heal and feel my feelings when I can't even catch my breathe? Finally, those first tentative gulps of air are beginning.
The weekend brought much pleasure and fun, along with some much needed clarity that sometimes can only come from the people who know you best and love you the most.
Yay weekends with friends from Seattle! Cartman says Kiiiiick ass! Oh yes and Dane, ManBearPig will be haunting you for many episodes to come. May the force be wtih you.
Monday, October 29, 2007
Friday, October 26, 2007
I Am Moon
The moon this morning, wow! Setting over the gorgeous Rockies, something about this phase of the moon, this time of year fills me with elated emotion.
Today, while staring at the moon out the side of my window on the way to work and trying to concentrate on the road rather than that dreamy spot in my mind; the lines of every poem, short story, song lyric and book I've ever read beamed through with startling clarity. You know the one, about the phases of the moon, the rising and setting sun, etc. Life ebbs and flows, rises and falls, joys and pains. I am Moon. So are you and all the energies that surround us. The phases of life are real, it's not a metaphor.
In the past 10 days, I feel as if I've engaged in battle. Something within me feels beaten, fallen.
Driving to work reminded me that any of us can be done with this life experience at any minute based on something so simple as a piece of rubber wound around a piece of metal.
Messages, letters, information gave me some clarity on places I still can't always wrap my head around. How some one could be so irresponsible with another persons life, with the life of a child that can do nothing about it. I'll admit I've had the sort of thoughts I am afraid of about him this past week, the thoughts that make me uncomfortable because there is nothing kind or compassionate about them. Bordering on purposefully wishing harm on someone else, born out of my own pain. I am not proud of this, but I can't apologize for it either. Something very very wrong has occurred here. Very wrong. I'm not always very well equipped in handling this sort of thing because I just can NOT understand it. No matter how I hard I try, I just can't. I am at fault in my own ways, certainly. Though, stealing from a mother and her child, putting them in financial peril for many years to come and taking absolutely zero steps to correct it or even acknowledge it, is beyond my comprehension. Cowardly actions for a man who so actively preaches integrity, humility and peace. Again, I am not proud of my need to still work through this in such a way, but I don't think shedding tears and feeling pain are to be unexpected still in this situation. I'd be willing to wager that most anyone who has expereinced such a signifcant betrayel would need to spend time working through it for an untold amount of time after it occurred. However long it takes, is the answer to that.
Friendships of 15+ years have been defiled. Darkness was thrown in my direction and I am simply unable to deflect it actively. I would rather walk away with out engaging in that ugliness than battle her another day. And he, will be left wage that battle on his own, I can no longer participate. It is over and I am sad for my son in that regard, because I know this will effect him in the longer term, but in other ways I believe it will benefit him as well. People change and it's important that they do, but when the relationships of those people change and it's no longer mutually beneficial for all involved, it's best to take the necessary steps to move on.
My emotional capacity to manage relationship conflict is null. Does not compute. All servers are down.
Though the battle feels waged upon me, I know it is not personal nor does it make me unique in any way. None of us are exempt from tears. Or the happiness. Laughter and brightness are available to us, in massive quantities, at our disposal. So are all these other cloudy skies, but they come and go. It's all sort of up to us. Soon, they will be gone for me and I can sense that. I am able to see my life 6 months from now. A smiling, happy and more centered version of myself. Someone who enjoys time with good friends and family more than anything. Someone who finds herself in the outdoors more often than not. Someone who has forgiven, is forgiven and isn't looking back. Someone who is honoring her callings, the direction in which her own North Star exists. A year from now, I see someone I don't even know right now. She doesn't seem like such a bad egg, more like a perfectly content sunflower. Reaching toward the sky in the forever journey of growth and enlightenment.
She needs to be watered though, so my humble request to you Universe, is please don't forget. I know you won't.
Today, while staring at the moon out the side of my window on the way to work and trying to concentrate on the road rather than that dreamy spot in my mind; the lines of every poem, short story, song lyric and book I've ever read beamed through with startling clarity. You know the one, about the phases of the moon, the rising and setting sun, etc. Life ebbs and flows, rises and falls, joys and pains. I am Moon. So are you and all the energies that surround us. The phases of life are real, it's not a metaphor.
In the past 10 days, I feel as if I've engaged in battle. Something within me feels beaten, fallen.
Driving to work reminded me that any of us can be done with this life experience at any minute based on something so simple as a piece of rubber wound around a piece of metal.
Messages, letters, information gave me some clarity on places I still can't always wrap my head around. How some one could be so irresponsible with another persons life, with the life of a child that can do nothing about it. I'll admit I've had the sort of thoughts I am afraid of about him this past week, the thoughts that make me uncomfortable because there is nothing kind or compassionate about them. Bordering on purposefully wishing harm on someone else, born out of my own pain. I am not proud of this, but I can't apologize for it either. Something very very wrong has occurred here. Very wrong. I'm not always very well equipped in handling this sort of thing because I just can NOT understand it. No matter how I hard I try, I just can't. I am at fault in my own ways, certainly. Though, stealing from a mother and her child, putting them in financial peril for many years to come and taking absolutely zero steps to correct it or even acknowledge it, is beyond my comprehension. Cowardly actions for a man who so actively preaches integrity, humility and peace. Again, I am not proud of my need to still work through this in such a way, but I don't think shedding tears and feeling pain are to be unexpected still in this situation. I'd be willing to wager that most anyone who has expereinced such a signifcant betrayel would need to spend time working through it for an untold amount of time after it occurred. However long it takes, is the answer to that.
Friendships of 15+ years have been defiled. Darkness was thrown in my direction and I am simply unable to deflect it actively. I would rather walk away with out engaging in that ugliness than battle her another day. And he, will be left wage that battle on his own, I can no longer participate. It is over and I am sad for my son in that regard, because I know this will effect him in the longer term, but in other ways I believe it will benefit him as well. People change and it's important that they do, but when the relationships of those people change and it's no longer mutually beneficial for all involved, it's best to take the necessary steps to move on.
My emotional capacity to manage relationship conflict is null. Does not compute. All servers are down.
Though the battle feels waged upon me, I know it is not personal nor does it make me unique in any way. None of us are exempt from tears. Or the happiness. Laughter and brightness are available to us, in massive quantities, at our disposal. So are all these other cloudy skies, but they come and go. It's all sort of up to us. Soon, they will be gone for me and I can sense that. I am able to see my life 6 months from now. A smiling, happy and more centered version of myself. Someone who enjoys time with good friends and family more than anything. Someone who finds herself in the outdoors more often than not. Someone who has forgiven, is forgiven and isn't looking back. Someone who is honoring her callings, the direction in which her own North Star exists. A year from now, I see someone I don't even know right now. She doesn't seem like such a bad egg, more like a perfectly content sunflower. Reaching toward the sky in the forever journey of growth and enlightenment.
She needs to be watered though, so my humble request to you Universe, is please don't forget. I know you won't.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Daily Gratitude's
Today, I am Grateful for:
My son Max
....for coming into the world and teaching me about love, patience, laughter and joy.
My dog Kasha
...for speaking a language I'm sure I would understand if I were 8. Since I am not, I am working to allow my mind to let go of everything it knows and just listen to her.
My favorite flannel sheets
...for enveloping me each night in warmth, safety and comfort. Like the arms of some long lost lover.
My family and friends
...for keeping me grounded with love and giving me the space to be me, in spite of me.
My heart
...for loving, forgiving and accepting.
My spirit
...for persevering.
My body
...for getting me out of bed each morning, even on the days when I'd rather stay in bed all day.
My son Max
....for coming into the world and teaching me about love, patience, laughter and joy.
My dog Kasha
...for speaking a language I'm sure I would understand if I were 8. Since I am not, I am working to allow my mind to let go of everything it knows and just listen to her.
My favorite flannel sheets
...for enveloping me each night in warmth, safety and comfort. Like the arms of some long lost lover.
My family and friends
...for keeping me grounded with love and giving me the space to be me, in spite of me.
My heart
...for loving, forgiving and accepting.
My spirit
...for persevering.
My body
...for getting me out of bed each morning, even on the days when I'd rather stay in bed all day.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
A Little Better Today
Today is better, though my dreams are still difficult and weighing on me. I'm having alot of dreams about death, I know death in dreams can represent rebirth or any number of big changes in your life and that would make perfect sense with my current state of mind.
I think I also feel a little better because I am getting a plan into action about how to proceed and it's going to mean working long hours, taking a huge hit in both the amount of time I have with my son on a regular basis and my long term financial stability, but it's what must be done or my house will go bye bye and Max and I can't be in that position. It is true, that life does in fact catch up with you and those you allow in your life and the choices you make along the way can have long term affects you may not be able to anticipate at the time. It's the chance you take I guess. Live, learn, grow.
And not looking back I suppose because it's not going to change a thing. Let it go, forgive. I cannot change decisions that have been made or the actions of others, I can only begin to work to rectify them.
Besides, Crystal will be here in about 24 hours so that's hard not to get excited about ;)
xo ya'll, till next time.
S
I think I also feel a little better because I am getting a plan into action about how to proceed and it's going to mean working long hours, taking a huge hit in both the amount of time I have with my son on a regular basis and my long term financial stability, but it's what must be done or my house will go bye bye and Max and I can't be in that position. It is true, that life does in fact catch up with you and those you allow in your life and the choices you make along the way can have long term affects you may not be able to anticipate at the time. It's the chance you take I guess. Live, learn, grow.
And not looking back I suppose because it's not going to change a thing. Let it go, forgive. I cannot change decisions that have been made or the actions of others, I can only begin to work to rectify them.
Besides, Crystal will be here in about 24 hours so that's hard not to get excited about ;)
xo ya'll, till next time.
S
Monday, October 22, 2007
Nothing
I'm not in a good mood today, so I'll keep this brief. I really having nothing to report at the moment, nothing positive anyway. Matt's visit with me this last weekend, which was really helpful emotionally and he was supportive as usual, was good and I did appreciate the company of an old friend. Crystal is coming soon, this is something I look forward to and I'm sure as the days draw nearer, I will feel lighter and brighter.
I feel poo poo today though and haven't been able to shake it since Friday. I just can't put my finger on how I've managed to make such a mess out of my life and why is that most every time I feel this way it involves a man in some way or another. Who needs 'em. I know me, I can't exist in this space for very long and the optimist in me will reemerge and become free again, not every day is going to be a good day and that's ok. Still though, these days make it hard to get out of bed, to feel joy, to have any kind of faith in others or even myself.
yuck.
Oh, it did snow yesterday tho. Big fatty flakes, very pretty. Made it easy for me to stay in bed all day.
I feel poo poo today though and haven't been able to shake it since Friday. I just can't put my finger on how I've managed to make such a mess out of my life and why is that most every time I feel this way it involves a man in some way or another. Who needs 'em. I know me, I can't exist in this space for very long and the optimist in me will reemerge and become free again, not every day is going to be a good day and that's ok. Still though, these days make it hard to get out of bed, to feel joy, to have any kind of faith in others or even myself.
yuck.
Oh, it did snow yesterday tho. Big fatty flakes, very pretty. Made it easy for me to stay in bed all day.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
He Finally Did It.
He finally said it, I knew he would and I'm sure it's not the first time but it's the first time probably so publically and in regards to Iran.
World War III.
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/10/18/washington/18prexy.html?em&ex=1192852800&en=db166eae14f905a9&ei=5087%0A
If the holy honorable ears of my Grame and my Aunties didn't read this blog I'd have some rather choice words for "Mr." Bush.
Damn you, you bleep bleeeppppeeddy bleeeeep!
I just want to shake the living crap out of him. Let us not forget that we still have another year and some months until our next president is inaugurated.
Until then I will silently pray that some how the Dick Cheney's of the world aren't prepping for such an event.
World War III.
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/10/18/washington/18prexy.html?em&ex=1192852800&en=db166eae14f905a9&ei=5087%0A
If the holy honorable ears of my Grame and my Aunties didn't read this blog I'd have some rather choice words for "Mr." Bush.
Damn you, you bleep bleeeppppeeddy bleeeeep!
I just want to shake the living crap out of him. Let us not forget that we still have another year and some months until our next president is inaugurated.
Until then I will silently pray that some how the Dick Cheney's of the world aren't prepping for such an event.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Coldplay - Fix You
I always thought this song was about a fathers love for his daughter, though I don't try to interpert the lyrics of other musicians. I think music is supposed to move us in the way it happens upon us, not nessisarly how it is intended by the musician. That is why art comes to us in so many forms, to help us think and feel and ponder our existance.
Regardless of how it is intended or even my own thoughts on it, I find this song greatfuly comforting during difficult times. It reminds me that I am not alone, that I am whole and complete within myself and that love contributes greatly to what
'fixes' us, not the approval of others or false senses of securities brought on by relationships or money or any of the other external things that won't fullfill those lonely places inside us.
Check out the video if you can, the end is sweet. Coldplay would be high on my list of indie rockers to see live.
**********************************************
Coldplay - Fix You
**********************************************
When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse.
When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what your worth
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Tears stream, down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face and I...
Tears stream, down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face and I...
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.
**********************************************
YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TBO6_u6Mb6s
Regardless of how it is intended or even my own thoughts on it, I find this song greatfuly comforting during difficult times. It reminds me that I am not alone, that I am whole and complete within myself and that love contributes greatly to what
'fixes' us, not the approval of others or false senses of securities brought on by relationships or money or any of the other external things that won't fullfill those lonely places inside us.
Check out the video if you can, the end is sweet. Coldplay would be high on my list of indie rockers to see live.
**********************************************
Coldplay - Fix You
**********************************************
When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse.
When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what your worth
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Tears stream, down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face and I...
Tears stream, down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face and I...
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.
**********************************************
YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TBO6_u6Mb6s
Friday, October 12, 2007
Friday = Funday
I am of the opinion that most days should be Fridays. I like Mondays and Tuesdays because that is when a lot of work gets done and I am my most productive. Wednesday and Thursdays are good for wrapping up work, tidying loose and preparing for the weekend. But if I could find a way for most days to be Fridays, I probably would. Except I'd still need to be paid for a full week - now THAT would be a feat in and of itself, wouldn't it?
Today is an exciting day, where a justice of sorts will be served. A day where the price of agony will not go unnoticed by those responsible. Sometimes in life, no matter whether you want to face it or not, you have to take measures to protect yourself. For me, today represents a marker in time, an indicator of growth.
Tonight is laundry, picking up the house and readying the back patio for winter. Winter, by the way, IS on it's way. It's still in the 60's and 70's during the day, but you KNOW it in the morning and after the sun goes down. I can't wait. I found a place to purchase pet-friendly products for the back area to help with the ice. The salts traditionally used get in Kasha's little paws and burn her little pads. She is a fragile little puppy wuppy you know, no matter how vicious her bark is.
Tomorrow morning I have to work in the morning and then grocery shopping. After that, I will spend most of the weekend cooking/watching movies and playing with my doggeh. Max has promised to spend all of Sunday with me, cooking together and watching Hereo's on DVD. I suspect he has something he wants to talk to me about or maybe, he just wants to chill with his mom for a change. Who knows?
Next week is the big court date for child support, we won't have final details from Wyoming until around Nov 1st. Though we know for sure that Max's dad will now be responsible for medical insurance and a percentage of cash support every month, what the value is remains to be see. And, if I see any of is also questionable. Time will tell, either way I feel the forward motion is a positive one.
Till next time kiddies, good night and good luck.
xo,
S
Today is an exciting day, where a justice of sorts will be served. A day where the price of agony will not go unnoticed by those responsible. Sometimes in life, no matter whether you want to face it or not, you have to take measures to protect yourself. For me, today represents a marker in time, an indicator of growth.
Tonight is laundry, picking up the house and readying the back patio for winter. Winter, by the way, IS on it's way. It's still in the 60's and 70's during the day, but you KNOW it in the morning and after the sun goes down. I can't wait. I found a place to purchase pet-friendly products for the back area to help with the ice. The salts traditionally used get in Kasha's little paws and burn her little pads. She is a fragile little puppy wuppy you know, no matter how vicious her bark is.
Tomorrow morning I have to work in the morning and then grocery shopping. After that, I will spend most of the weekend cooking/watching movies and playing with my doggeh. Max has promised to spend all of Sunday with me, cooking together and watching Hereo's on DVD. I suspect he has something he wants to talk to me about or maybe, he just wants to chill with his mom for a change. Who knows?
Next week is the big court date for child support, we won't have final details from Wyoming until around Nov 1st. Though we know for sure that Max's dad will now be responsible for medical insurance and a percentage of cash support every month, what the value is remains to be see. And, if I see any of is also questionable. Time will tell, either way I feel the forward motion is a positive one.
Till next time kiddies, good night and good luck.
xo,
S
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
In Honor Of.....
John Lennon
October 9th, 1940 - December 8th, 1980
My personal solo song of his is Instant Karma, the energy of the song is powerful and the lyrics are undeniably true.
I have been criticized for my idealistic perspective on the hippy movement of the 60's and my adoration for people like John Lennon simply because I was not there and did not experience it first hand. As if I'm some kind of poser for having respect for an era. Shame on you criticizers, for without that period in American history in which great social change was beginning to take it's first deep deep breathes, I'd be willing to wager that life would look very differently to my own generation. The simple concepts of peace, loving one another, unity, tolerance....those are NOT flakey theories to have and I wouldn't apologize for believing in them if you asked me to. The argument is that flower children were lazy, tuning out, doing too many drugs, taking things too far. Of course they took it too far, a certain group in every generation and every culture always does, it's part of human nature to visit extremes on all ends. This fact doesn't negate the effects of a time period that to me, signifies a profound ideological shift in the American social structure.
People like John Lennon gave people hope and permission to dream and a creative outlet to explore and release. It saddens my heart that he is gone already, but what he did while he was here was beautiful to me in that iconic way that only people like him achieve. He's not such a bad guy to have your list of conceptual hero's.
Peace :)
October 9th, 1940 - December 8th, 1980
My personal solo song of his is Instant Karma, the energy of the song is powerful and the lyrics are undeniably true.
I have been criticized for my idealistic perspective on the hippy movement of the 60's and my adoration for people like John Lennon simply because I was not there and did not experience it first hand. As if I'm some kind of poser for having respect for an era. Shame on you criticizers, for without that period in American history in which great social change was beginning to take it's first deep deep breathes, I'd be willing to wager that life would look very differently to my own generation. The simple concepts of peace, loving one another, unity, tolerance....those are NOT flakey theories to have and I wouldn't apologize for believing in them if you asked me to. The argument is that flower children were lazy, tuning out, doing too many drugs, taking things too far. Of course they took it too far, a certain group in every generation and every culture always does, it's part of human nature to visit extremes on all ends. This fact doesn't negate the effects of a time period that to me, signifies a profound ideological shift in the American social structure.
People like John Lennon gave people hope and permission to dream and a creative outlet to explore and release. It saddens my heart that he is gone already, but what he did while he was here was beautiful to me in that iconic way that only people like him achieve. He's not such a bad guy to have your list of conceptual hero's.
Peace :)
Monday, October 08, 2007
A Repeat Of Rwanda In Progress....?
I detest the idea of posting such an ugly article on my blog, however, I have no choice as this seems a familiar story. One which was being reported in the years up to the genocide occurring in Rwanda in 1994, but the world remained silent. My one major criticism of Clinton was his failure to respond to the violence occurring during those years leading up to and during the tribal brutality.
The rape was one of the first methods of torture/intimidation used by the Hutu's used against the Tootsies. Not long after, the genocide began.
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/10/07/world/africa/07congo.html?pagewanted=1&_r=1&ei=5090&en=f9e3e9a3cd5274f3&ex=1349409600&partner=rssuserland&emc=rss
Certainly, we can't ignore the violence still raging in Darfur even though it's been out of the media limelight for several months now.
http://www.savedarfur.org/pages/background
I don't have the answer for how to stop the mass desecration of life, it is beyond my comprehension. I only know that information is the place to start.
The rape was one of the first methods of torture/intimidation used by the Hutu's used against the Tootsies. Not long after, the genocide began.
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/10/07/world/africa/07congo.html?pagewanted=1&_r=1&ei=5090&en=f9e3e9a3cd5274f3&ex=1349409600&partner=rssuserland&emc=rss
Certainly, we can't ignore the violence still raging in Darfur even though it's been out of the media limelight for several months now.
http://www.savedarfur.org/pages/background
I don't have the answer for how to stop the mass desecration of life, it is beyond my comprehension. I only know that information is the place to start.
The Simple Life
Life is relatively quiet at the moment and I am thankful for this. Max is wrapping up soccer and other than the standard teen-age testing, he seems relatively stable and happy at the moment. All the animals are healthy getting ready for winter. Pumpkin and Kasha are forever engaging in a battle of wills and territory over who is Mom's 'favorite' which is a loosing battle because I don't have a 'favorite' but I can't seem to articulate this into kitteh/puppeh language.
Speaking of winter, it is definitely on it's way. Typical Colorado falls look like very cool mornings, with warmer afternoons in the 60's and 70's and that's how the rest of the week is supposed to go. Today however, it is very chilly out and cloudy. I expect more and more cloudy and cooler days, which I don't mind. If and/or when I move to another location, I will miss Colorado Spring/Fall so.
I have letters to write, aunties to call and friends coming to visit. I've lost 5 lbs (w/o so much as any effort) and have successfully revisited meditation in the past week on 3 different occasions. That vein in my forehead no longer throbs and pulses to it's own beat, there have been no headaches for over two weeks. I no longer feel bloated with grief and disappointment and am able to begin seeing the svelte, beautiful unique and lovely fruit within blossoming.
I miss that girl, the confident, happy and content person who's outside match her insides. It is possible she may experience another metamorphosis, even grander than the last. Time tells, no?
My dreams are regularly about the one we won't speak of though, actually more than ever these past two weeks. Yesterday morning, after a long night of awkward and strange dreams, I awoke half expecting him to be there, next to me. Except before my eyes opened I silently prayed to my angels that he wouldn't be, that I was free from months and months and months of confusing emotions and difficult mental spaces. Perhaps it is my subconscious finally allowing itself to explore this recent situation more indepthyly, while the conscious Sarah begins to move forward.
Who knows, but this morning I am snuggly in my sweater and have a nice warm cup of white tea ready for drinking.
Happy Monday friends, there is work to be done.
Till next time, love to you all.
xo,
S
Speaking of winter, it is definitely on it's way. Typical Colorado falls look like very cool mornings, with warmer afternoons in the 60's and 70's and that's how the rest of the week is supposed to go. Today however, it is very chilly out and cloudy. I expect more and more cloudy and cooler days, which I don't mind. If and/or when I move to another location, I will miss Colorado Spring/Fall so.
I have letters to write, aunties to call and friends coming to visit. I've lost 5 lbs (w/o so much as any effort) and have successfully revisited meditation in the past week on 3 different occasions. That vein in my forehead no longer throbs and pulses to it's own beat, there have been no headaches for over two weeks. I no longer feel bloated with grief and disappointment and am able to begin seeing the svelte, beautiful unique and lovely fruit within blossoming.
I miss that girl, the confident, happy and content person who's outside match her insides. It is possible she may experience another metamorphosis, even grander than the last. Time tells, no?
My dreams are regularly about the one we won't speak of though, actually more than ever these past two weeks. Yesterday morning, after a long night of awkward and strange dreams, I awoke half expecting him to be there, next to me. Except before my eyes opened I silently prayed to my angels that he wouldn't be, that I was free from months and months and months of confusing emotions and difficult mental spaces. Perhaps it is my subconscious finally allowing itself to explore this recent situation more indepthyly, while the conscious Sarah begins to move forward.
Who knows, but this morning I am snuggly in my sweater and have a nice warm cup of white tea ready for drinking.
Happy Monday friends, there is work to be done.
Till next time, love to you all.
xo,
S
Thursday, October 04, 2007
Encouraging News!
A court date has been set for Oct 16th 2007 to establish an official child support order! This also means that Sean would be required to provide Max with health insurance. I'm not sure if I can express in words how much it would help for Max's father to contribute financially, it would certainly lighten the weight so I can at least breathe and avoid robbing Peter to pay Paul. At least from now forward he will be required to by law and he won't have a lot of wiggle room around that. Of course, this does then beg the question of visitation, but H and I have discussed this and agreed that we will not even discuss visitation until Sean has submitted his payments on time for 3 consecutive months. Max is not a dollar sign, he his a human being and I don't see it as trading Sean's money for time with his own son. However, Sean has had 13+ years of opportunities and done nothing with them. The idea is that if Sean commits to being responsible enough to pay his child support on time, then he may possibly be capable of committing to visitation with Max.
In other news, I've decided to chose a class for the Spring 2008 semester and begin attending school. 1 class, 1 semester at a time. It feels like it's time and I think I can handle 1 class per semester. Besides, my organization offers tuition reimbursement, I'd be a fool not to take them up on it. It's more than adequate to pay for one class each semester. The next decision....what do I want to be when I grow up? Luckily, I can start with just some core classes, I'll need to meet with an advisor and decide which campus to attend. I may also consider University of Phoenix, I'm hearing good things about the programs and they have a Bachelors of Science - Information Technology/Software Engineering. I am at a cross roads of sorts, I may pursue a completely different outlet other than my current position, I may expand on my current skills which would be the most financially lucrative move, though I'm not sure my heart will be in it for the next 20 years. I've considered advocacy as a potential option, particularly with homeless/battered women and children. Environmental advocacy has also crossed my mind on a number of occasions. Working in a field that provides the opportunity to effect change seems to be the direction my spirit wants to move toward, but the sensible part of me says make the money and volunteer. It's a difficult decision.
Let's see what else....oh my cousin Krista had her 2nd baby. He's SO cute. Two boys now under the age of 2, I thinks he's crazy but she seems determined to have a large family, I can respect that. I often wish I were closer to my families, in the Pacific Northwest I have all this warmth and wisdom and up in them great lakes, I've got this huge extended family. Sometimes I forget that I really do have all this bloodline out there in the world. I miss
Max has homecoming this weekend, there is a lot of himming and haawing over what he'll be doing this weekend as he's made a very firm decision NOT to go to the dance with a 'date.' Apparently his soccer team has opted as a group not to go to the dance and are planning to do stuff together. Girls are not NEARLY as important as hanging out with the guys right now. School, soccer, BMXin's and 'dude' time are pretty much Max's life at the moment. I'll take it, less opportunities for pregnancy that way LOL.
Work is going to be extremely demanding in the coming months, one of our clients is being audited and since I am knowledgeable in all things 'techie' then I must be a whiz at accounting to right? Heh. Wrong. That seems to be assumption however, it's often implied that I am to manage the data of my clients though I am only supposed to build the infrastructure for them to manage their data. Manage your own damn data! I've already spoken with my supervisors about this and made it clear that I will provide the client with an export of the data they've requested and an Access database to create the queries they are looking for, but I WILL not be involved with the actual audit process. I AM NOT AN ACCOUNTANT! Putting my foot down on this one. Cover your ass! CYA all the way baby!
This weekend should be a quiet one, I've got a few small chores and a book to finish. I've was reading "The Fifth Sacred Thing" which I adore and then made the mistake of beginning to read "MiddleSex" on afternoon which is worth reading if you can get through the first 3 - 5 chapters. After that, it's an intense story and has challenged my thought about gender and sex. The concepts described in this book are not new to me, but the detail in which they are described is powerful. Now that I've finished that I can return to "The Fifth Sacred Thing" where I left off. It's supposed to be rainy/snowy (YEP they said a MIX of snow on Saturday!) all weekend so I'm SO about snuggle time with a book and my doggeh.
Animal news: Gaia has finally healed up from her Rocky Mountain Jaguar experience (coyote) but has a nasty scar on her hind quarter. I was beginning to get nervous about infection there for a while, but kitteh's have their own ways of healing themselves and I trusted her in that. Plus, a little antiseptic from Mom never hurt either. Pumpkin NEVER stops mewling, but since Matty's last visit where he carried her down the stairs and made her sit with him, she has decided to become part of the family again and cusses me less if I am holding her. She is very much like an infant, she wants to be held or on my knee or my shoulder or licking my ear. The new thing is for EVERYONE to follow me around, get under foot and fight over who sits with Mom and where and for how long. They truly are like a set of siblings. I usually watch an hour or so of TV at night, after I settle in to do so I am surrounded. Pumpkin on the left of me, purring and shedding all over me and watching Kasha suspiciously for any sudden movements. Kasha on the right, licking my hand, burrowing under the blanket and eyeing Pumpkin in case Pumpkin should get any closer than she already is OR goes to Kasha's water bowl for a drink. This is NOT ok, the cats may NOT drink out of Kasha's water bowl under any circumstances whatsoever.
Gaia just lays at my feet, under the table and sleeps. She really is far to sophisticated for all this nonsense. I feel for her, she's surrounded by total jokers and can barely tolerate us. She does have to keep an eye on us though, and thus has joined the parade. *grin*
I'm off for now, work beckons and my belly is rumbling again. Note to self: Chips and salsa do NOT a good breakfast make. I wanted berries, yogurt and some toast...but no time b/c Max and I both were running out the door late today.....
In other news, I've decided to chose a class for the Spring 2008 semester and begin attending school. 1 class, 1 semester at a time. It feels like it's time and I think I can handle 1 class per semester. Besides, my organization offers tuition reimbursement, I'd be a fool not to take them up on it. It's more than adequate to pay for one class each semester. The next decision....what do I want to be when I grow up? Luckily, I can start with just some core classes, I'll need to meet with an advisor and decide which campus to attend. I may also consider University of Phoenix, I'm hearing good things about the programs and they have a Bachelors of Science - Information Technology/Software Engineering. I am at a cross roads of sorts, I may pursue a completely different outlet other than my current position, I may expand on my current skills which would be the most financially lucrative move, though I'm not sure my heart will be in it for the next 20 years. I've considered advocacy as a potential option, particularly with homeless/battered women and children. Environmental advocacy has also crossed my mind on a number of occasions. Working in a field that provides the opportunity to effect change seems to be the direction my spirit wants to move toward, but the sensible part of me says make the money and volunteer. It's a difficult decision.
Let's see what else....oh my cousin Krista had her 2nd baby. He's SO cute. Two boys now under the age of 2, I thinks he's crazy but she seems determined to have a large family, I can respect that. I often wish I were closer to my families, in the Pacific Northwest I have all this warmth and wisdom and up in them great lakes, I've got this huge extended family. Sometimes I forget that I really do have all this bloodline out there in the world. I miss
Max has homecoming this weekend, there is a lot of himming and haawing over what he'll be doing this weekend as he's made a very firm decision NOT to go to the dance with a 'date.' Apparently his soccer team has opted as a group not to go to the dance and are planning to do stuff together. Girls are not NEARLY as important as hanging out with the guys right now. School, soccer, BMXin's and 'dude' time are pretty much Max's life at the moment. I'll take it, less opportunities for pregnancy that way LOL.
Work is going to be extremely demanding in the coming months, one of our clients is being audited and since I am knowledgeable in all things 'techie' then I must be a whiz at accounting to right? Heh. Wrong. That seems to be assumption however, it's often implied that I am to manage the data of my clients though I am only supposed to build the infrastructure for them to manage their data. Manage your own damn data! I've already spoken with my supervisors about this and made it clear that I will provide the client with an export of the data they've requested and an Access database to create the queries they are looking for, but I WILL not be involved with the actual audit process. I AM NOT AN ACCOUNTANT! Putting my foot down on this one. Cover your ass! CYA all the way baby!
This weekend should be a quiet one, I've got a few small chores and a book to finish. I've was reading "The Fifth Sacred Thing" which I adore and then made the mistake of beginning to read "MiddleSex" on afternoon which is worth reading if you can get through the first 3 - 5 chapters. After that, it's an intense story and has challenged my thought about gender and sex. The concepts described in this book are not new to me, but the detail in which they are described is powerful. Now that I've finished that I can return to "The Fifth Sacred Thing" where I left off. It's supposed to be rainy/snowy (YEP they said a MIX of snow on Saturday!) all weekend so I'm SO about snuggle time with a book and my doggeh.
Animal news: Gaia has finally healed up from her Rocky Mountain Jaguar experience (coyote) but has a nasty scar on her hind quarter. I was beginning to get nervous about infection there for a while, but kitteh's have their own ways of healing themselves and I trusted her in that. Plus, a little antiseptic from Mom never hurt either. Pumpkin NEVER stops mewling, but since Matty's last visit where he carried her down the stairs and made her sit with him, she has decided to become part of the family again and cusses me less if I am holding her. She is very much like an infant, she wants to be held or on my knee or my shoulder or licking my ear. The new thing is for EVERYONE to follow me around, get under foot and fight over who sits with Mom and where and for how long. They truly are like a set of siblings. I usually watch an hour or so of TV at night, after I settle in to do so I am surrounded. Pumpkin on the left of me, purring and shedding all over me and watching Kasha suspiciously for any sudden movements. Kasha on the right, licking my hand, burrowing under the blanket and eyeing Pumpkin in case Pumpkin should get any closer than she already is OR goes to Kasha's water bowl for a drink. This is NOT ok, the cats may NOT drink out of Kasha's water bowl under any circumstances whatsoever.
Gaia just lays at my feet, under the table and sleeps. She really is far to sophisticated for all this nonsense. I feel for her, she's surrounded by total jokers and can barely tolerate us. She does have to keep an eye on us though, and thus has joined the parade. *grin*
I'm off for now, work beckons and my belly is rumbling again. Note to self: Chips and salsa do NOT a good breakfast make. I wanted berries, yogurt and some toast...but no time b/c Max and I both were running out the door late today.....
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
Updates, Revelations and Joy
My weekend was relatively quiet. Evan and I had a wonderful time Saturday, he's grown so much. Saturday afternoon Matty worked on my car (thanks Matt!) and we had a beer and he called me "old" for which I promptly reminded him that women, like fine wine, only become more intoxicating with age. He was only kidding of course, though I will remember that when the next decade turns over for him. It is not painful, but it is an enlightening experience that YES.....our physical body is not permanent and that life does not wait for our visions or plans to pan out. Sunday was my typical quiet, to myself day while Max went rushing about on his bike and roller blades.
I can report that I've begun to grow back into my own skin and, happily so. I realized that I'd allowed my summer to have damaging effects on my self-esteem and sense of self-worth. Scalding humiliations can do that to a person. Somehow though, the human spirit is a resilient being and for all my faults, I seem to excel in resilience.
My Aunt MB sent me a book, it was a monster size light bulb that went !DING! I'm not sure how to articulate where I am in this moment, but I know it is a shifting space of ebbs and tides, with all this flowing universe around me waiting to be explored and considered. Something inside me is beginning to bloom and even though I'm NOT in the most positive mood today, I can still feel it in there, wiggling around and trying to bust up out of my internal soils and blossom into something bigger than is there today.
The question has become "Now what?" I am in the position of completely reformulating my life, sparking new idea's and new possibilities. I know I'd like to make some changes career wise in the coming years, I'd like to begin working more with meditation and regrouping myself spiritually, and devoting some energies to the changes I'd like to see in the world. Those are strong messages from within, but I'm not even sure where to start.
It will come to me, I'm sure of it.
I can report that I've begun to grow back into my own skin and, happily so. I realized that I'd allowed my summer to have damaging effects on my self-esteem and sense of self-worth. Scalding humiliations can do that to a person. Somehow though, the human spirit is a resilient being and for all my faults, I seem to excel in resilience.
My Aunt MB sent me a book, it was a monster size light bulb that went !DING! I'm not sure how to articulate where I am in this moment, but I know it is a shifting space of ebbs and tides, with all this flowing universe around me waiting to be explored and considered. Something inside me is beginning to bloom and even though I'm NOT in the most positive mood today, I can still feel it in there, wiggling around and trying to bust up out of my internal soils and blossom into something bigger than is there today.
The question has become "Now what?" I am in the position of completely reformulating my life, sparking new idea's and new possibilities. I know I'd like to make some changes career wise in the coming years, I'd like to begin working more with meditation and regrouping myself spiritually, and devoting some energies to the changes I'd like to see in the world. Those are strong messages from within, but I'm not even sure where to start.
It will come to me, I'm sure of it.
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