Ha. Caught the crud, feel lousy. Baby daddy drama. I am broker than broke and looking for ways to supplement my income actively, I owe a ton of money to a ton of different sources and my ex-boyfriend stiffed me on several thousand dollars and got a brand new Harley Davidson out of the deal AND my son's XBox and 3 years of my life.
Sounds like a country song.
But...strangely, it's just not all that bad. And why, might you ask? Cuz, every day things get better. Every day, I am able to see sunshine, feel love from my surroundings and know, eventually something will change again. It's only temporary. It's all only temporary and at some point, it's getting more and more clear to me that I don't have to be afraid any more. That I can be a big girl and that the big bad wolf won't huff and puff and blow my house down and if he does, I can probably deal with it.
Sounds a bit like tempting the fates so I'll leave it at that.
Sure, it's stress full. Sure, I wonder how many years have been taken off of my life due to anxiety and the resulting behaviors and sure....I sure as hell wish this weren't my current state of existence. Let's face it, I haven't exactly had the easiest story book.
But I'm alive, my son whom I adore is doing well, I love my animals, I have a place to live and a car to drive and a job and alto of love in my life. My toolbox is filling up every day, someday I'll be able to share them with someone else.
All that other shit, it passes. With time. And then the next thing will come up and I'll deal with that too.
The reality that Max is growing up is sinking it and guess what kids? I have like, a whole life time still left if I am lucky! Isn't that amazing? I can do whatever I want next, amazing. Shocking really.
So I'm starting to prep and steadily pull myself out of this deep hole of depression and fear and loss. All things I am familiar with.
Next step....don't know, and that's ok too. For today, it's to keep looking for contract work/suitable part time employment. And work and be a mom and do the dumb laundry and be ok with that.
Ha....one side note, I've notice now that I'm not picking up after someone who has zero understanding of the concept of "clean" or how to co-habitate peacefully with others, I don't feel NEARLY as resentful about being a domestic goddess. Amazing how when you aren't being taken advantage of, how you feel less resentful. DUH! Here I was made to feel like I was just being "crazy" and "hysterical" and "over-reacting" and "dramatic" for asking for some pretty simple things. I don't miss any of that. Plus, Max has always been a big helper, so my house stays on the upside of tidy and neat rather than it being a constant battle and for me, that is a good thing because chaos breeds chaos and I need none of that.
Buh bye depression....buh bye guy who made me feel less than good enough and buh bye all the haters from my previous life. Buh bye.
I'm cleaning house!
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