Weekend was pretty quiet, I mostly felt like crap Fri/Saturday from this sinus infection. M & H came over some Monopoly, which was fun. I miss Matt, I don't see him all that often these days. We all turned in relatively early for us and I was up early this morning.
Mostly I just read all today, watched a few movies and sat for a while in my yard trying to understand what I'm doing with my life and the direction I'm going to take.
It became clear to me that some closure is still needed with Chance and until that happens, I may not be able to fully take the steps necessary to move forward and heal. I do not miss Chance, but I miss the trust I once was able to feel inherently for others that he took with him. I do not miss his endless tirades, concepts that can only survive in a land of fantasy that exists in his mind and the gigantic ego he so eagerly claimed to have released, but somehow I was left to constantly feed. I don't miss being ignored, I don't miss being ridiculed and I definitely don't miss being compared to someone that can never exist. I miss the man I thought he was, the man he was for the first 1.5 years of our relationship, but not the man he became after the facade faded. I do not miss feeling powerless, vulnerable with no hope and unprotected. I do not miss wondering how long it would take for him to touch me again like he loved me, to do something even remotely considerate or show some sign of respect for the life that my credit and my money (and the money of my family) helped him to have. He will always deny it and expect all others to honor all that HE did to help what we started happen, which at first was the bare bones of what he SHOULD be doing. You know, like paying his half of the mortgage/bills (as promised) but that's about it. Certainly nothing above and beyond the very bottom of what he obligated himself to in the beginning. During the last 6 months of our relationship, his "help" as he often put it, became less reliable. In fact, before he even left he owed me a fair amount of money for bounced checks, car issues and a number of little debts here and there.
I can never fault his heart for changing as mine had in January of this last year (but I chose to stick it out) but I can fault him for his poor judgement in financial matters, lack of honesty and maintaining some level of integrity through this process. Yes, I fault him for that because everything he's done goes against everything I've seen him preach to others in his life. Everything I thought we both believed in, living with some sense of integrity, doing the best you can do to the best of your ability. It's so easy to spin a beautiful tale, but actually living it are two different things. This doesn't just apply to others, this applies to myself as well and I know I am also accountable for many poor decisions recently.
Do I sound bitter? Perhaps. Truthfully, at this moment I do not harbor any bitter in my heart, only the knowledge that I can fully except where I have failed and now know what has to be done in order for me to move on, free myself and heal. I will always approach the world with compassion and kindness, but this does not mean I must release my personal power in the process.
Chance will never give me what I need in order to move on willingly, ever. He will rationalize his behaviors and lie even to himself until the very end. He will never apologize or even admit any wrong doing, I'm not even sure that he internally struggles with anything that has occurred over the past few months that sit on his shoulders. It may sound like blame, but the facts speak for themselves and I imagine even a totally objective party with no association to Chance or I could see that. Chance will never put his pride down long enough to do the right thing. Chance will never give me what I need to get past this. I will have to take it from him. And I will. Not out of hatred, or ill will or as a means to a power struggle between us. It will be about me finally doing what I should have done a long time ago, taking back my life and protecting the inters ts of my son and I. Forgiveness for Chance and my own poor judgements will come with time.
Until then, I am ready to get serious about what the next steps are in the immediate moment and partly that means do everything possible to completely disassociate myself from him in every way. Financially, spiritually, emotionally and even physically. He still lives in this house in many ways, there are signs of him here, I still feel strange sleeping on his side of the bed and I keep finding little treasures all of the house of his. I'm sure he's not thinking an ounce of Max or I while he's sitting in his high rise condo with the new room-mate watching college girls get in and out of the pool and drinking massive quantities of alcohol. Cheers bachelors!
Chance once told me that our love would transcend any adversity, that we were soul mates, that we would live together in a space that only existed for us. Quite charming huh? Once again, one profound lesson I've learned from this is just how cheap cheap cheap talk can be. I believed in us and for us, the connection (I thought) was fundamentally spiritual.
I have no choice but to completely remove him from any space within me. There is nothing left for him and I can no longer sacrifice energy. I know only I can make that happen.
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