Ok, for you bowlers out there DO NOT READ this post because you will just laugh at me. But I got a 92 as my high score today! YAY MEE!
Once per quarter my company does something fun with my team, we have potlucks, go bowling, play Family Feud (that is a HOOT!) and occasionally, we just get to leave early on Friday's if our work is done on time.
Today we went bowling, had pizza (they even ordered a veggie for Rhy and I, aw) and whilst there is no libations allowed of any kind because someone always ruins it, we all plenty and plenty of fine.
Hooting, hollering and a whole lot of non-techie speak, which is almost unheard of at my work b/c if we aren't speaking nerd-speak to one another that is related to work, the jokes we make are nerd-speak and sometimes I'm just like COME ON PEOPLE the world does not exist inside a desktop computer and the world of code. Seriously.
Even J whom I rarely even hear a peep from was throwing his gorilla balls (and handed my ass to me, but oh well) and giggle like a little boy. Does much for morale I'd say.
So, out of 3 games I bowled an 86, an 82 and then...a 92! One more frame and I would've broke 100. YAY BOWLING. YAY Tree Fruits!
I'm off to finish up a few quick chores about the house and then, I'm done for the day. Max and I plan to do a little weeding this weekend, watch monkey Bubba and I will spend my standard 2 - 4 hours each day combing the internet for contract job.
YAY BOWLING!
peace
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Finally, it happened...
It seemed inevitable, that I was well one my way to becoming the emotionally barren ice queen I've always feared. She's not able to embrace the warmth of life, of living each day. She cannot appreciate the beauty of others or avoid the cynical eye peering down upon the new ones crossing her path. She lost her own light somewhere and put the blame on anything else to deflect it from being her own responsibility to find it again. She hisses secretly with her fellow female cohorts, and took great pleasure in the idea's that she might become the martyr for all of those who've pained and lost and sacrificed and been taken advantage of. And surely, she would never ever love anyone again as an even great measure of self-preservation. Certainly, she wouldn't allow anyone that control over her.
She is someone I fear, someone I've managed to avoid thus far in spite of a number of rather low blows. She terrifies me, living in a space of complete nothingness. Without love or warmth or pleasure or goodness or anything, just nothing. That seems like a bad place.
Then, last night, it finally happened. I cried. Not just cried, I mean I wept and sobbed. For over an hour. I haven't cried more than a few tears in a few months (believe it or not) and something about that felt to me like the life draining right out of me. At first, I thought I'd just cried it all out. Maybe the tears had finally just dried up. Then it seemed maybe it was just a normal phase of grieving and then I started to really worry when it'd been weeks and weeks since anything more than a tiny tear appeared at the corner of my eye. Crying is a release for me, it's a release I've practiced my entire life time and unlike many, I am comfortable doing it openly and up until recently, often. I cry to cleanse, I cry to feel the emotions that build up within my body that I am unable to release any other way and I cry because pain is something I am familiar with, but work with it to give it room to breathe and once it starts to breathe, like all wounds, it begins to heal. I cry because it feels good, I cry when I am overcome with joy and I cry when I hold an infant or hear a moving song live at Red Rocks.
And last night, I cried and cried and let it all wash over me. I cried for the shock I've been in. I cried for the lies, the pain, the disappointment. I cried for the fears, I cried for the memories, I cried for the enormous amount of expended energies. I cried for the tremendous highs and happiness and places of safety. I cried for loosing my path and mistrusting my instincts, I cried for wanting to be loved and being vulnerable. I cried for the mother I am and the mother I wish to be. I cried for the pain of death and birth and rebirth. I cried for the humiliation, the betrayals, the place within me that just aches.
The little girl within shed tears and shook violently and felt small and scared and alone. And that was ok. The big girl within held on tight and simply let her cry until she couldn't any longer. And then, when the tears began to dry...she was exhausted, emotionally spent, ready to sleep (the best nights sleep she's had in weeks) and prepare for another day of being a big girl again. Knowing now that she could do it because finally she'd cried out all of that awfulness, it was all real again, not hidden behind the big walls that started building themselves without her permission. The cancer that was forming wasn't going to just go away by itself, but cleansing it out was a good start.
She is someone I fear, someone I've managed to avoid thus far in spite of a number of rather low blows. She terrifies me, living in a space of complete nothingness. Without love or warmth or pleasure or goodness or anything, just nothing. That seems like a bad place.
Then, last night, it finally happened. I cried. Not just cried, I mean I wept and sobbed. For over an hour. I haven't cried more than a few tears in a few months (believe it or not) and something about that felt to me like the life draining right out of me. At first, I thought I'd just cried it all out. Maybe the tears had finally just dried up. Then it seemed maybe it was just a normal phase of grieving and then I started to really worry when it'd been weeks and weeks since anything more than a tiny tear appeared at the corner of my eye. Crying is a release for me, it's a release I've practiced my entire life time and unlike many, I am comfortable doing it openly and up until recently, often. I cry to cleanse, I cry to feel the emotions that build up within my body that I am unable to release any other way and I cry because pain is something I am familiar with, but work with it to give it room to breathe and once it starts to breathe, like all wounds, it begins to heal. I cry because it feels good, I cry when I am overcome with joy and I cry when I hold an infant or hear a moving song live at Red Rocks.
And last night, I cried and cried and let it all wash over me. I cried for the shock I've been in. I cried for the lies, the pain, the disappointment. I cried for the fears, I cried for the memories, I cried for the enormous amount of expended energies. I cried for the tremendous highs and happiness and places of safety. I cried for loosing my path and mistrusting my instincts, I cried for wanting to be loved and being vulnerable. I cried for the mother I am and the mother I wish to be. I cried for the pain of death and birth and rebirth. I cried for the humiliation, the betrayals, the place within me that just aches.
The little girl within shed tears and shook violently and felt small and scared and alone. And that was ok. The big girl within held on tight and simply let her cry until she couldn't any longer. And then, when the tears began to dry...she was exhausted, emotionally spent, ready to sleep (the best nights sleep she's had in weeks) and prepare for another day of being a big girl again. Knowing now that she could do it because finally she'd cried out all of that awfulness, it was all real again, not hidden behind the big walls that started building themselves without her permission. The cancer that was forming wasn't going to just go away by itself, but cleansing it out was a good start.
Monday, September 24, 2007
Amongst the attirbutes I'd like to add to my growing list of "Super Powers" is the ability to elongate and stretch my body like cats do. In yoga, it may be possible to achieve something similar and certainely, stretching in such a manner is satisfying. Based on the the blissfull gratification that cats seem to gain from their stretching, I'm not sure the many ideartions of down-ward dog and cat pose could ever compare. Gaia Cat's look the most graceful, her paws seem to extend far beyond her normal reach and her yawning mouth exposes all those teeth and her eyes roll back in her head, you can almost see her transcending this reality for a breif moment. Gaia also has the ability to hunch her spine up in a most startling manner, much like you'd see in a child coloring book for Halloween. She is the epidome of the "Halloween Black Cat" when she arches up like that. This arching looks extremely enjoyable as it always followed by another round of the paws extended forward/teeth/posessed eyes stretch. Pumpkin is old and mostly, just takes her time doing every thing. Her stretches are mostly on her back and remind me of when she was a smalll kitten. In that moment, Pumpkin is 4 months old and staring at me upside-down, taunting and hoping beyond hope that I will produce string or some other string like object from my person. My personal favorite was to chase her with the feather duster, which put my mother through the roof because it was made of "real ostritch feathers" and that meant nothing to me except that some poor ostritch had lost it's beautiful garment to this silly household item. It made a much better kitten toy and eventually Pumpkin did have her with it and the feather duster was no more.
Those are good memories, chasing Pumpkin with the feather duster and my mother having a coniption over it. I'll need to keep this in mind when Max is tormenting me with such silly things and I find myself getting frustrated, is it not the job of children to get a rise out of their parents? How ever slight and usually without any real purpose but for the simple pleasure of doing so?
This weekend was quiet, I spent the majority of it rebounding from a nasty fluish type thing. My body has never ached so from a virus (thus the stretching mentioned above) and luckily my body finally did say "No More" and the fever totally broke Saturday night. Sunday I slept, read and watched Max buzz around the house. My senses are still quiet sleepy, I feel pretty slow moving and lethargic (like Pumpkin!) and still like no appetite, but I'm up and moving around. The weather today makes me want to be right back at home, sleeping the day away. Cloudy, rainy....I'd better go check on the animals at lunch. Kasha is out back today.....that always make me nervous.
Matty stopped by briefly Saturday night, always a treat to see him. I received a few text messages later that would imply he was having a good night at his bosses house. Sleep eluded me most of the night, my body getting restless I suppose.
Work beckons, I should be moving myself along here.....heard this on the radio this morning and while The Police and I are long standing friends, I couldn't help but laugh at Johnny Rotten's comments about Sting. Love him or hate him, he is a long standing figure in the punk community and that 70's era of punk music thrived off of shock value and insults.
Johhny Behave!
Those are good memories, chasing Pumpkin with the feather duster and my mother having a coniption over it. I'll need to keep this in mind when Max is tormenting me with such silly things and I find myself getting frustrated, is it not the job of children to get a rise out of their parents? How ever slight and usually without any real purpose but for the simple pleasure of doing so?
This weekend was quiet, I spent the majority of it rebounding from a nasty fluish type thing. My body has never ached so from a virus (thus the stretching mentioned above) and luckily my body finally did say "No More" and the fever totally broke Saturday night. Sunday I slept, read and watched Max buzz around the house. My senses are still quiet sleepy, I feel pretty slow moving and lethargic (like Pumpkin!) and still like no appetite, but I'm up and moving around. The weather today makes me want to be right back at home, sleeping the day away. Cloudy, rainy....I'd better go check on the animals at lunch. Kasha is out back today.....that always make me nervous.
Matty stopped by briefly Saturday night, always a treat to see him. I received a few text messages later that would imply he was having a good night at his bosses house. Sleep eluded me most of the night, my body getting restless I suppose.
Work beckons, I should be moving myself along here.....heard this on the radio this morning and while The Police and I are long standing friends, I couldn't help but laugh at Johnny Rotten's comments about Sting. Love him or hate him, he is a long standing figure in the punk community and that 70's era of punk music thrived off of shock value and insults.
Johhny Behave!
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Malaise
mal·aise
Pronunciation: m&-'lAz, ma-, -'lez
Function: noun
Etymology: French malaise, from Old French, from mal- + aise comfort -- more at ease
1 : an indefinite feeling of debility or lack of health often indicative of or accompanying the onset of an illness
As defined by Merriam Webster....
yes, it is a word and yes, it is a real thing. I, however, am giving it no more acknowledgement than a simple technical definition and a double boost of Vitamin C/Echinacea.
Back you evil crud, there is no home for you here! Your kind is not wanted and I am stronger than your silly viral attack!
BACK BEAST, BACK I SAY!
Pronunciation: m&-'lAz, ma-, -'lez
Function: noun
Etymology: French malaise, from Old French, from mal- + aise comfort -- more at ease
1 : an indefinite feeling of debility or lack of health often indicative of or accompanying the onset of an illness
As defined by Merriam Webster....
yes, it is a word and yes, it is a real thing. I, however, am giving it no more acknowledgement than a simple technical definition and a double boost of Vitamin C/Echinacea.
Back you evil crud, there is no home for you here! Your kind is not wanted and I am stronger than your silly viral attack!
BACK BEAST, BACK I SAY!
Monday, September 17, 2007
Top 5 Reasons I Am Happy Today
1) I woke up to a pink little tongue happily licking my face (this means it's time to wake up and go to the potty, it's a short window, puppies have small bladders.)
2) Max and I both made it to school/work on time (and I listened to Amy Winehouse all the way to work WOOT WOOT.)
3) Troop withdrawal is actually a public discussion now and not just a theory propagated by 'lefty tree huggers.'
4) My Aunty MB sent me an email that gave me more food for though than I've been able to absorb in a while.
5) All day I've eaten only protein and veggies and though I am eating meat again (fish, some chicken, with NO stringy animal things involved) I feel pretty good about the fact that I am doing it consciously and making the choice to do so because it is what makes sense for my family right now in terms of budgeting.
2) Max and I both made it to school/work on time (and I listened to Amy Winehouse all the way to work WOOT WOOT.)
3) Troop withdrawal is actually a public discussion now and not just a theory propagated by 'lefty tree huggers.'
4) My Aunty MB sent me an email that gave me more food for though than I've been able to absorb in a while.
5) All day I've eaten only protein and veggies and though I am eating meat again (fish, some chicken, with NO stringy animal things involved) I feel pretty good about the fact that I am doing it consciously and making the choice to do so because it is what makes sense for my family right now in terms of budgeting.
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Ok Weekend....
Weekend was pretty quiet, I mostly felt like crap Fri/Saturday from this sinus infection. M & H came over some Monopoly, which was fun. I miss Matt, I don't see him all that often these days. We all turned in relatively early for us and I was up early this morning.
Mostly I just read all today, watched a few movies and sat for a while in my yard trying to understand what I'm doing with my life and the direction I'm going to take.
It became clear to me that some closure is still needed with Chance and until that happens, I may not be able to fully take the steps necessary to move forward and heal. I do not miss Chance, but I miss the trust I once was able to feel inherently for others that he took with him. I do not miss his endless tirades, concepts that can only survive in a land of fantasy that exists in his mind and the gigantic ego he so eagerly claimed to have released, but somehow I was left to constantly feed. I don't miss being ignored, I don't miss being ridiculed and I definitely don't miss being compared to someone that can never exist. I miss the man I thought he was, the man he was for the first 1.5 years of our relationship, but not the man he became after the facade faded. I do not miss feeling powerless, vulnerable with no hope and unprotected. I do not miss wondering how long it would take for him to touch me again like he loved me, to do something even remotely considerate or show some sign of respect for the life that my credit and my money (and the money of my family) helped him to have. He will always deny it and expect all others to honor all that HE did to help what we started happen, which at first was the bare bones of what he SHOULD be doing. You know, like paying his half of the mortgage/bills (as promised) but that's about it. Certainly nothing above and beyond the very bottom of what he obligated himself to in the beginning. During the last 6 months of our relationship, his "help" as he often put it, became less reliable. In fact, before he even left he owed me a fair amount of money for bounced checks, car issues and a number of little debts here and there.
I can never fault his heart for changing as mine had in January of this last year (but I chose to stick it out) but I can fault him for his poor judgement in financial matters, lack of honesty and maintaining some level of integrity through this process. Yes, I fault him for that because everything he's done goes against everything I've seen him preach to others in his life. Everything I thought we both believed in, living with some sense of integrity, doing the best you can do to the best of your ability. It's so easy to spin a beautiful tale, but actually living it are two different things. This doesn't just apply to others, this applies to myself as well and I know I am also accountable for many poor decisions recently.
Do I sound bitter? Perhaps. Truthfully, at this moment I do not harbor any bitter in my heart, only the knowledge that I can fully except where I have failed and now know what has to be done in order for me to move on, free myself and heal. I will always approach the world with compassion and kindness, but this does not mean I must release my personal power in the process.
Chance will never give me what I need in order to move on willingly, ever. He will rationalize his behaviors and lie even to himself until the very end. He will never apologize or even admit any wrong doing, I'm not even sure that he internally struggles with anything that has occurred over the past few months that sit on his shoulders. It may sound like blame, but the facts speak for themselves and I imagine even a totally objective party with no association to Chance or I could see that. Chance will never put his pride down long enough to do the right thing. Chance will never give me what I need to get past this. I will have to take it from him. And I will. Not out of hatred, or ill will or as a means to a power struggle between us. It will be about me finally doing what I should have done a long time ago, taking back my life and protecting the inters ts of my son and I. Forgiveness for Chance and my own poor judgements will come with time.
Until then, I am ready to get serious about what the next steps are in the immediate moment and partly that means do everything possible to completely disassociate myself from him in every way. Financially, spiritually, emotionally and even physically. He still lives in this house in many ways, there are signs of him here, I still feel strange sleeping on his side of the bed and I keep finding little treasures all of the house of his. I'm sure he's not thinking an ounce of Max or I while he's sitting in his high rise condo with the new room-mate watching college girls get in and out of the pool and drinking massive quantities of alcohol. Cheers bachelors!
Chance once told me that our love would transcend any adversity, that we were soul mates, that we would live together in a space that only existed for us. Quite charming huh? Once again, one profound lesson I've learned from this is just how cheap cheap cheap talk can be. I believed in us and for us, the connection (I thought) was fundamentally spiritual.
I have no choice but to completely remove him from any space within me. There is nothing left for him and I can no longer sacrifice energy. I know only I can make that happen.
Mostly I just read all today, watched a few movies and sat for a while in my yard trying to understand what I'm doing with my life and the direction I'm going to take.
It became clear to me that some closure is still needed with Chance and until that happens, I may not be able to fully take the steps necessary to move forward and heal. I do not miss Chance, but I miss the trust I once was able to feel inherently for others that he took with him. I do not miss his endless tirades, concepts that can only survive in a land of fantasy that exists in his mind and the gigantic ego he so eagerly claimed to have released, but somehow I was left to constantly feed. I don't miss being ignored, I don't miss being ridiculed and I definitely don't miss being compared to someone that can never exist. I miss the man I thought he was, the man he was for the first 1.5 years of our relationship, but not the man he became after the facade faded. I do not miss feeling powerless, vulnerable with no hope and unprotected. I do not miss wondering how long it would take for him to touch me again like he loved me, to do something even remotely considerate or show some sign of respect for the life that my credit and my money (and the money of my family) helped him to have. He will always deny it and expect all others to honor all that HE did to help what we started happen, which at first was the bare bones of what he SHOULD be doing. You know, like paying his half of the mortgage/bills (as promised) but that's about it. Certainly nothing above and beyond the very bottom of what he obligated himself to in the beginning. During the last 6 months of our relationship, his "help" as he often put it, became less reliable. In fact, before he even left he owed me a fair amount of money for bounced checks, car issues and a number of little debts here and there.
I can never fault his heart for changing as mine had in January of this last year (but I chose to stick it out) but I can fault him for his poor judgement in financial matters, lack of honesty and maintaining some level of integrity through this process. Yes, I fault him for that because everything he's done goes against everything I've seen him preach to others in his life. Everything I thought we both believed in, living with some sense of integrity, doing the best you can do to the best of your ability. It's so easy to spin a beautiful tale, but actually living it are two different things. This doesn't just apply to others, this applies to myself as well and I know I am also accountable for many poor decisions recently.
Do I sound bitter? Perhaps. Truthfully, at this moment I do not harbor any bitter in my heart, only the knowledge that I can fully except where I have failed and now know what has to be done in order for me to move on, free myself and heal. I will always approach the world with compassion and kindness, but this does not mean I must release my personal power in the process.
Chance will never give me what I need in order to move on willingly, ever. He will rationalize his behaviors and lie even to himself until the very end. He will never apologize or even admit any wrong doing, I'm not even sure that he internally struggles with anything that has occurred over the past few months that sit on his shoulders. It may sound like blame, but the facts speak for themselves and I imagine even a totally objective party with no association to Chance or I could see that. Chance will never put his pride down long enough to do the right thing. Chance will never give me what I need to get past this. I will have to take it from him. And I will. Not out of hatred, or ill will or as a means to a power struggle between us. It will be about me finally doing what I should have done a long time ago, taking back my life and protecting the inters ts of my son and I. Forgiveness for Chance and my own poor judgements will come with time.
Until then, I am ready to get serious about what the next steps are in the immediate moment and partly that means do everything possible to completely disassociate myself from him in every way. Financially, spiritually, emotionally and even physically. He still lives in this house in many ways, there are signs of him here, I still feel strange sleeping on his side of the bed and I keep finding little treasures all of the house of his. I'm sure he's not thinking an ounce of Max or I while he's sitting in his high rise condo with the new room-mate watching college girls get in and out of the pool and drinking massive quantities of alcohol. Cheers bachelors!
Chance once told me that our love would transcend any adversity, that we were soul mates, that we would live together in a space that only existed for us. Quite charming huh? Once again, one profound lesson I've learned from this is just how cheap cheap cheap talk can be. I believed in us and for us, the connection (I thought) was fundamentally spiritual.
I have no choice but to completely remove him from any space within me. There is nothing left for him and I can no longer sacrifice energy. I know only I can make that happen.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Strangely....It's Not So Bad!
Ha. Caught the crud, feel lousy. Baby daddy drama. I am broker than broke and looking for ways to supplement my income actively, I owe a ton of money to a ton of different sources and my ex-boyfriend stiffed me on several thousand dollars and got a brand new Harley Davidson out of the deal AND my son's XBox and 3 years of my life.
Sounds like a country song.
But...strangely, it's just not all that bad. And why, might you ask? Cuz, every day things get better. Every day, I am able to see sunshine, feel love from my surroundings and know, eventually something will change again. It's only temporary. It's all only temporary and at some point, it's getting more and more clear to me that I don't have to be afraid any more. That I can be a big girl and that the big bad wolf won't huff and puff and blow my house down and if he does, I can probably deal with it.
Sounds a bit like tempting the fates so I'll leave it at that.
Sure, it's stress full. Sure, I wonder how many years have been taken off of my life due to anxiety and the resulting behaviors and sure....I sure as hell wish this weren't my current state of existence. Let's face it, I haven't exactly had the easiest story book.
But I'm alive, my son whom I adore is doing well, I love my animals, I have a place to live and a car to drive and a job and alto of love in my life. My toolbox is filling up every day, someday I'll be able to share them with someone else.
All that other shit, it passes. With time. And then the next thing will come up and I'll deal with that too.
The reality that Max is growing up is sinking it and guess what kids? I have like, a whole life time still left if I am lucky! Isn't that amazing? I can do whatever I want next, amazing. Shocking really.
So I'm starting to prep and steadily pull myself out of this deep hole of depression and fear and loss. All things I am familiar with.
Next step....don't know, and that's ok too. For today, it's to keep looking for contract work/suitable part time employment. And work and be a mom and do the dumb laundry and be ok with that.
Ha....one side note, I've notice now that I'm not picking up after someone who has zero understanding of the concept of "clean" or how to co-habitate peacefully with others, I don't feel NEARLY as resentful about being a domestic goddess. Amazing how when you aren't being taken advantage of, how you feel less resentful. DUH! Here I was made to feel like I was just being "crazy" and "hysterical" and "over-reacting" and "dramatic" for asking for some pretty simple things. I don't miss any of that. Plus, Max has always been a big helper, so my house stays on the upside of tidy and neat rather than it being a constant battle and for me, that is a good thing because chaos breeds chaos and I need none of that.
Buh bye depression....buh bye guy who made me feel less than good enough and buh bye all the haters from my previous life. Buh bye.
I'm cleaning house!
Sounds like a country song.
But...strangely, it's just not all that bad. And why, might you ask? Cuz, every day things get better. Every day, I am able to see sunshine, feel love from my surroundings and know, eventually something will change again. It's only temporary. It's all only temporary and at some point, it's getting more and more clear to me that I don't have to be afraid any more. That I can be a big girl and that the big bad wolf won't huff and puff and blow my house down and if he does, I can probably deal with it.
Sounds a bit like tempting the fates so I'll leave it at that.
Sure, it's stress full. Sure, I wonder how many years have been taken off of my life due to anxiety and the resulting behaviors and sure....I sure as hell wish this weren't my current state of existence. Let's face it, I haven't exactly had the easiest story book.
But I'm alive, my son whom I adore is doing well, I love my animals, I have a place to live and a car to drive and a job and alto of love in my life. My toolbox is filling up every day, someday I'll be able to share them with someone else.
All that other shit, it passes. With time. And then the next thing will come up and I'll deal with that too.
The reality that Max is growing up is sinking it and guess what kids? I have like, a whole life time still left if I am lucky! Isn't that amazing? I can do whatever I want next, amazing. Shocking really.
So I'm starting to prep and steadily pull myself out of this deep hole of depression and fear and loss. All things I am familiar with.
Next step....don't know, and that's ok too. For today, it's to keep looking for contract work/suitable part time employment. And work and be a mom and do the dumb laundry and be ok with that.
Ha....one side note, I've notice now that I'm not picking up after someone who has zero understanding of the concept of "clean" or how to co-habitate peacefully with others, I don't feel NEARLY as resentful about being a domestic goddess. Amazing how when you aren't being taken advantage of, how you feel less resentful. DUH! Here I was made to feel like I was just being "crazy" and "hysterical" and "over-reacting" and "dramatic" for asking for some pretty simple things. I don't miss any of that. Plus, Max has always been a big helper, so my house stays on the upside of tidy and neat rather than it being a constant battle and for me, that is a good thing because chaos breeds chaos and I need none of that.
Buh bye depression....buh bye guy who made me feel less than good enough and buh bye all the haters from my previous life. Buh bye.
I'm cleaning house!
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Ok....breathing now....
After some discussion, thought and welcomed wisdom...I'm able to put this thing in perspective with Max's dad. Understand that these emotions are strongest when the situation first occurrs, I am then able to breathe a little more and know that Max and I can work through it and life soon will present new challenges to meet, greet and solve. It's just what it is and I'm sure everyone can understand the emotional aspects of this, Max is my only child and we've been through a lot together. I'm not always strong or totally capable and half the time have zero clue about how to mother a teenager, but I'm getting there and I've had alot of support.
Sometimes I get childish about it, I will admit that. I'm still learning how to be a grown up. I know none of this is fair and I know whinning about it doesn't change it, fix it or somehow make it better for Max. I also know that it's ok for me to vent it out and say what I really feel and why I feel it and that's not always easy to do either.
Maybe I'm just having a crappy day. Nothing I say comes out right today and my head is all weird. Actually, I think I'm getting sick. Which isn't totally surprising, everyone (including Max) around me has some kind of stupid crud and it's that time of year...kids go back to school, everyone starts getting sick. Sounds like a waiting room at the height of flu season in my office right now.
Till I can make more sense and formulate thoughts that are coherant...
Sometimes I get childish about it, I will admit that. I'm still learning how to be a grown up. I know none of this is fair and I know whinning about it doesn't change it, fix it or somehow make it better for Max. I also know that it's ok for me to vent it out and say what I really feel and why I feel it and that's not always easy to do either.
Maybe I'm just having a crappy day. Nothing I say comes out right today and my head is all weird. Actually, I think I'm getting sick. Which isn't totally surprising, everyone (including Max) around me has some kind of stupid crud and it's that time of year...kids go back to school, everyone starts getting sick. Sounds like a waiting room at the height of flu season in my office right now.
Till I can make more sense and formulate thoughts that are coherant...
OH BROTHER!
Max's father called to wish him a happy birthday yesterday evening. Funny thing, he requested a DNA test just to "be sure" that Max is his son, though he's never denied that Max is his child and everyone under the sun can tell that Max his Sean's child. Just look at him for cripes sake. That humiliation aside after Max gets off the phone with Max his mood was visibley changed. Not up or down, just...different. Anxious? He started getting very bouncey, sort of reminded me of when he was small and couldn't control himself physically.
Then the story comes spilling out.
A little background for those of you who don't know Owen. Owen is a child that became involved with Max's side of the family through a series of strange and rather unfortunate events. Max's Aunt S was married to a man much older than herself, this man had a daughter and this man's duaghter was Owen's mother. Max's Aunt S had children with this older man, and eventually their children and Owen were all taken into state custody for neglect and suspected abuse. During this time, the older man passed away and another strange series of events occurred and somehow, all of the kids ended up with Max's grandparents. For about 3 years they had these kids while their parents worked to get their lives together and the stated deemed them fit to care for their own children. During this time, Owen's mother simply dissappeared.
So since, Owen has essentially been passed around the family between Max's Aunt S, the grandparents (he was even left in foster care at one point) have been playing pass the kid for about 15 years now. He's a nice boy mostly, but clearly, he's going to have issues.
Anyway, the last big shift was that Max's grandparents got tired of trying to work with him and essentially stuck him on a bus to Mississippi (by himself at age 13) to live with his mother. The scenario could've had a happy ending, except that Owen's mother is newly remarried and has new children with this man and as I understand it, every bit as nasty as she was when Owen was a baby. I remember and she was NOT a warm or caring woman in any way. In fact, after only one visit I wouldn't allow Max to be around her. Ever.
Moving on. As predidcted, she couldn't handle Owen either and sent him back to CO. This past weekend. Literally, stuck him on a bus to Denver and told the grandparents he was on his way, AFTER they'd put him on the bus. What the hell is wrong with these people?
As it turns out, Max's grandparents can't committ to his care either. Guess where he's living. Just guess.
WITH MAX'S DAD! That's right folks, Sean is 'adopting' Owen and they will live together as 'room-mates.' A 15 year old boy and a 38 year old man who's never been able to care for his own child in any way is now suddenly capable of caring for Owen. Owen who is perpetually in trouble, at school and with the law even. Owen who's been passed around like a hot potato. Owen who had sex already by the time he was 12 and brags about it.
Yeah, I know.
Sean then proceeds to tell Max how much money he's making and how much fun he and Owen are going to have living together. That Sean should have his car fixed, so he can come to CO around the holidays to see Max for the "few short days your mom will let me see you." ugh.
It took every single ounce of energy in my body to restrain myself. I just stared at Max. Finally, I said "Max, your dad plans to support Owen?" and he said "Yeah, isn't it cool. They'll be like brothers or something! Besides, he just got this great new job and will be making tons of money so they should be fine."
I couldn't help it. I mumbled under my breathe:
"Great. Then he can finally send us some freaking money."
I feel terrible about it. You should have seen Max's face, he was a little taken back by it obviously. I generally keep those comments to myself. I was totally out of line, it was one of those came-out-of-my-mouth-before-I-could-think-it-through things. yuck.
Max doesn't get it at all, he seriously doesn't. He really has this thing in his head that Sean shouldn't have to pay child support and his rationale has always been because his dad can't afford it. But he can afford to bring in a wayward kid? How the hell can he take care of Owen? But he can afford to buy new motorcyles and go on vacations to CA for 3 weeks? But he's going to make us PROOVE that Max is his child through DNA sample before he'll even bother to drop a dime on his own son.
A$$hole. Call my son up on his birthday to what? Rub this in his face....somehow get Max to think he is a "cool" guy? WTF? Are you KIDDING ME! Sean sent Max $50 for his bday, as you can imagine Max was excited and that's great. But you know, $50, once or twice a year isn't jack SHIT. Does it make you feel like a good dad to throw your own son a bone once in a while? Yep, freaking dad of the year. That's you Sean. Nice going!
I am so angry about this today (obviously) and let me tell you, this little encounter has gotten Max thinking and I can tell. Since last night, he's been so snippy with me. He's acting out. He doesn't understand why a simple conversation with his dad could cause such tensions. And it's not fair to him, I know...but none of this is fari. I guarantee he's not puting 2 and 2 together yet about this thing with Owen, he's mostly just thinking about how cool it would be to live in WY with them. Like "room-mates" with no school, no responsibility, no accountability. Certainely not some strict mother who makes him go to school every day and checks his homework at night and insists he keep his room at least picked up and makes him take out the garbage and won't just let him rot in front of the TV and talks to him about the hard stuff and takes care of him when he's sick and worries about money and how to meet his every need.
My love for Max and our life together can never be undone. I know that. Max has every right to know his father and have a relationship with him. To find out how who his dad is and make his own decisions. I know that too and embrace and accept it if it was Max wants and I will help him any possible way I can.
But damn you Sean. Damn you for every time you pop up and confuse this boy. Damn you for being so irresponsible, so selfish! Damn you for hurting my baby. Damn you for making me feel so hateful toward you. Damn you.
Then the story comes spilling out.
A little background for those of you who don't know Owen. Owen is a child that became involved with Max's side of the family through a series of strange and rather unfortunate events. Max's Aunt S was married to a man much older than herself, this man had a daughter and this man's duaghter was Owen's mother. Max's Aunt S had children with this older man, and eventually their children and Owen were all taken into state custody for neglect and suspected abuse. During this time, the older man passed away and another strange series of events occurred and somehow, all of the kids ended up with Max's grandparents. For about 3 years they had these kids while their parents worked to get their lives together and the stated deemed them fit to care for their own children. During this time, Owen's mother simply dissappeared.
So since, Owen has essentially been passed around the family between Max's Aunt S, the grandparents (he was even left in foster care at one point) have been playing pass the kid for about 15 years now. He's a nice boy mostly, but clearly, he's going to have issues.
Anyway, the last big shift was that Max's grandparents got tired of trying to work with him and essentially stuck him on a bus to Mississippi (by himself at age 13) to live with his mother. The scenario could've had a happy ending, except that Owen's mother is newly remarried and has new children with this man and as I understand it, every bit as nasty as she was when Owen was a baby. I remember and she was NOT a warm or caring woman in any way. In fact, after only one visit I wouldn't allow Max to be around her. Ever.
Moving on. As predidcted, she couldn't handle Owen either and sent him back to CO. This past weekend. Literally, stuck him on a bus to Denver and told the grandparents he was on his way, AFTER they'd put him on the bus. What the hell is wrong with these people?
As it turns out, Max's grandparents can't committ to his care either. Guess where he's living. Just guess.
WITH MAX'S DAD! That's right folks, Sean is 'adopting' Owen and they will live together as 'room-mates.' A 15 year old boy and a 38 year old man who's never been able to care for his own child in any way is now suddenly capable of caring for Owen. Owen who is perpetually in trouble, at school and with the law even. Owen who's been passed around like a hot potato. Owen who had sex already by the time he was 12 and brags about it.
Yeah, I know.
Sean then proceeds to tell Max how much money he's making and how much fun he and Owen are going to have living together. That Sean should have his car fixed, so he can come to CO around the holidays to see Max for the "few short days your mom will let me see you." ugh.
It took every single ounce of energy in my body to restrain myself. I just stared at Max. Finally, I said "Max, your dad plans to support Owen?" and he said "Yeah, isn't it cool. They'll be like brothers or something! Besides, he just got this great new job and will be making tons of money so they should be fine."
I couldn't help it. I mumbled under my breathe:
"Great. Then he can finally send us some freaking money."
I feel terrible about it. You should have seen Max's face, he was a little taken back by it obviously. I generally keep those comments to myself. I was totally out of line, it was one of those came-out-of-my-mouth-before-I-could-think-it-through things. yuck.
Max doesn't get it at all, he seriously doesn't. He really has this thing in his head that Sean shouldn't have to pay child support and his rationale has always been because his dad can't afford it. But he can afford to bring in a wayward kid? How the hell can he take care of Owen? But he can afford to buy new motorcyles and go on vacations to CA for 3 weeks? But he's going to make us PROOVE that Max is his child through DNA sample before he'll even bother to drop a dime on his own son.
A$$hole. Call my son up on his birthday to what? Rub this in his face....somehow get Max to think he is a "cool" guy? WTF? Are you KIDDING ME! Sean sent Max $50 for his bday, as you can imagine Max was excited and that's great. But you know, $50, once or twice a year isn't jack SHIT. Does it make you feel like a good dad to throw your own son a bone once in a while? Yep, freaking dad of the year. That's you Sean. Nice going!
I am so angry about this today (obviously) and let me tell you, this little encounter has gotten Max thinking and I can tell. Since last night, he's been so snippy with me. He's acting out. He doesn't understand why a simple conversation with his dad could cause such tensions. And it's not fair to him, I know...but none of this is fari. I guarantee he's not puting 2 and 2 together yet about this thing with Owen, he's mostly just thinking about how cool it would be to live in WY with them. Like "room-mates" with no school, no responsibility, no accountability. Certainely not some strict mother who makes him go to school every day and checks his homework at night and insists he keep his room at least picked up and makes him take out the garbage and won't just let him rot in front of the TV and talks to him about the hard stuff and takes care of him when he's sick and worries about money and how to meet his every need.
My love for Max and our life together can never be undone. I know that. Max has every right to know his father and have a relationship with him. To find out how who his dad is and make his own decisions. I know that too and embrace and accept it if it was Max wants and I will help him any possible way I can.
But damn you Sean. Damn you for every time you pop up and confuse this boy. Damn you for being so irresponsible, so selfish! Damn you for hurting my baby. Damn you for making me feel so hateful toward you. Damn you.
Monday, September 10, 2007
Busy, but mostly quiet weekend....
We had a great weekend, I got a ton accomplished and was extremely productive most of the weekend. I LOVE IT! Friday night we went for hair cuts and a quick dinner and straight home for rest and then to bed.
Saturday morning Max and I both slept in way later than normal, but we both figured that was because we needed the rest so when we DID finally got up, we walked the dog and got ready to meet Mary & Howard for lunch. Had a lovely lunch a Joe's and Max spent a great deal of time savoring every last morsel of crab from his Big Daddy Crab Feast (yummm!) dinner. We then went and spent Max's birthday money on a new camcorder. More on that when I have time, but it's a pretty nifty gadget and I've been assured that I can use it when he is NOT using which he tells me will be most of the time, so I shouldn't get too excited. Heh. We'll see about that.
After yet more shopping, cleaning and laundry I finally settled in at Kristen's for a bit and we essentially took over the garage from her brother and got close to almost recording a song! It's a start, I keep telling her there's no reason we can't become rock stars in our 30's. Hell, look at Bonnie Rait. Girl didn't even get signed until she was like 41, so HA! Kristen just laughs at me, she wanted me to explain to her how'd she get up in front of a crowd and play? She is a little shy, but there are ways around that sort of thing.
Anyway, the evening didn't go quite according to plan after as some family drama ensued, but it's all good stuff that really needs to get worked out. Sometimes getting things out on the table is hard, but necessary. Though, almost never easy.
Yesterday, I did more laundry and napped and helped Max figure out how to use the software for his camcorder. He's got a cold, poor kiddo, so today he's not so happy that I sent him to school with both a cold AND on his birthday. Gasp! Truly, I am a wretchedly strict mother. I don't know how he stands me!
Dearest Aunties and GramE's, I have many letters to answer and I promise that I will do so this week.
Hope you are all well, off for now. Work and I are at odds, it's just that time of year.
Until next time kids...remember this: I would love to stop eating chocolate, smoking that darn occasional cigarette and never drink wine again, but I'm not quitter. Quitters are loo-hooosers!
:)
Saturday morning Max and I both slept in way later than normal, but we both figured that was because we needed the rest so when we DID finally got up, we walked the dog and got ready to meet Mary & Howard for lunch. Had a lovely lunch a Joe's and Max spent a great deal of time savoring every last morsel of crab from his Big Daddy Crab Feast (yummm!) dinner. We then went and spent Max's birthday money on a new camcorder. More on that when I have time, but it's a pretty nifty gadget and I've been assured that I can use it when he is NOT using which he tells me will be most of the time, so I shouldn't get too excited. Heh. We'll see about that.
After yet more shopping, cleaning and laundry I finally settled in at Kristen's for a bit and we essentially took over the garage from her brother and got close to almost recording a song! It's a start, I keep telling her there's no reason we can't become rock stars in our 30's. Hell, look at Bonnie Rait. Girl didn't even get signed until she was like 41, so HA! Kristen just laughs at me, she wanted me to explain to her how'd she get up in front of a crowd and play? She is a little shy, but there are ways around that sort of thing.
Anyway, the evening didn't go quite according to plan after as some family drama ensued, but it's all good stuff that really needs to get worked out. Sometimes getting things out on the table is hard, but necessary. Though, almost never easy.
Yesterday, I did more laundry and napped and helped Max figure out how to use the software for his camcorder. He's got a cold, poor kiddo, so today he's not so happy that I sent him to school with both a cold AND on his birthday. Gasp! Truly, I am a wretchedly strict mother. I don't know how he stands me!
Dearest Aunties and GramE's, I have many letters to answer and I promise that I will do so this week.
Hope you are all well, off for now. Work and I are at odds, it's just that time of year.
Until next time kids...remember this: I would love to stop eating chocolate, smoking that darn occasional cigarette and never drink wine again, but I'm not quitter. Quitters are loo-hooosers!
:)
Thursday, September 06, 2007
Woo Hoot!
Fun Things Coming Up In Chronological Order
- Max's Bday!
Max is the big 15 on Monday September 10th 2007. Only by the grace of good friends, good family and some damn good luck have we made it this far, but I'm so happy for him. He's really growing into a nice kid and if I am at all lucky, the rumors about boys chillin' out a little at 15-ish are even remotely true, then cheers to a good year all around!
We will be having lunch with Mary & Howard at Joe's Crab Shack per Max's request. He wanted a simple thing this year, ask and ye shall receive (wink MB!) - Finally Getting To Meet S's New Man!
My loverly girlfriend Ms. Sassy Sandy has a new main squeeze and it's looking good folks, finally I'll get to meet Mr. Man as he lives back east for the time being and comes to visit as much as possible. He'll be moving here in Dec 2007 most likely, but until then, I have to meet Mr. Wonderful so I can give my stamp of approval. Thus far, if ANY one makes her that happy, then I can't help but love him.
Saturday night will be informal cocktails down town. - Visits From My Women!
Oct 5 - 7th - Old high school friend from Colorado Springs is spending the weekend at Kristen's. Woop Woop!
Oct 19 - 21st - Miss Purty Sweet Pea is coming up from NM to spend the whole weekend with lil OLE ME:) YAY ME! I mean, I'm sure she'll be happy to see her mom and stuff too...but YAY ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oct 24 - 28th - My sweet soul sista and her new hubby are coming all the way from Seattle to SEE MEEEEE. Just ME. All Me, All The Time. It's always about me:) We will have Casa Bonita (I will not eat it, but I will have it LOL) and a sleep over and fun times. YAY! It's like old times!
Ok, I guess I'm getting a little full of myself here. Like, I know Crys has reasons for being here that are bitter sweet that don't involve me and I know for sure that P needs to see her Mom's on her visit.....but P and Crys are coming to see ME. It's like my birthday in freaking October!
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOT
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
Labor Day Weekend Blogg
Friday:
After a demanding work day, I rushed home in the hopes of getting Max's first official soccer game, against Golden High School. Unfortunately, they lost, but they did play a good game and it seemed like everyone had a good time doing so.
Max and I had a nice meal after the game and he went rushing off with S to hang out at the skate park. A came over and we chatted, caught up and he decided to take me out for drinks at the Buffallo Rose. For those of you not from Colorado, you know that this place is widely known as THE biker bar in Golden. Not generally my scene, but after getting there it was a pleasant surprise. The entire interior has been remodeled and expanded. The patron genre has expanded as well, so there was a good mix of local yokels, tourists, bikers and so on. We chatted, listened to the band and drank lemon drops until we'd had enough. Then on the way home someone got the bright idea to hike up the south mesa at midnight. It was gorgeous. The moon and the wind were speaking to me on top of that mountain. Let it be noted that I did so in my black flip flops and A only had to help me over one nasty part. Not one single ankle broken or otherwise sprained. Woo hoot. It was slightly awkward, hanging out with him. He is, after all, C's best friend on the planet. I wasn't sure if he'd been sent to spy on me or somehow otherwise be malicious. Mostly, I think he just wanted to take me out for a night 1) to get me out of the house 2) because I think he's been concerned about Max and I and 3) because I think he wanted to be sure we'd keep in touch all things considered. He's a good guy and though I'm not sure how much we really will keep in touch over the long haul, I had a great time with him Friday night. Besides, some interesting factoids were illuminated during the evening that I think slathered yet another layer of glue on an already sealed deal.
Saturday:
Max and I had breakfast and I just sort of lounged about for a bit, then he was off again to the skate park. They went downtown that day, he came home happy (and tired) as a clam. I spent a good chunk of the day feeling a lot of anxiety about not wanting to go to a party I'd been invited to and agreed to attend that night. I just didn't want to go, I don't know why I agreed to go in the first place. There isn't some significant reason why I didn't want to go, other than large groups of people feel way to overwhelming for me right now. Not to mention the fact that this particular group seems to have little in common except for drinking too much and a high rate of dysfunction. I guess I just want to be over all of that....not wanting to surround myself with negativity should hardly be a crime. However, I've been dear friends with one of these people for about 10 years and we've been through alot together. I am sure it has disappointed her greatly and there is a smidgen of a voice inside that is nudging me to feel guilty.
But I just can't do it. I can't feel guilty any more for doing what's right for me. What I learned from this is that next time I should be less committal or just simply say "No." Funny how music can capture so much of one might be feeling in any given moment. This song seems to have done just that for me in recent weeks, I know it's about a romantic relationship....but for me, it is in general how I feel about almost all of my relationships at the moment...not that I must say goodbye or end them; just that I need some space and I have to do what's right for me right now and that really has to be ok, if it can't be then I can't be left with all this guilt over it either.
Fergie - Big Girls Don't Cry
Sunday:
Max and I both slept in, had breakfast and went to The Simpson's at matinee. If you haven't seen it, please do. I'd love to compare notes. The first half was hilarious, the second very typical Simpson's fodder and 'family values' for consumption. There is a full frontal of Bart which everyone giggled about, but I think that whole scene was some how tied into censorship issues. Again, if you haven't seen "This Film Not Yet Rated" I highly encourage that as well.
Max ended up babysitting Sunday afternoon, so I took my whole $20 I had left in the 'fun' budget for the weekend and went to a new place that just opened up last week down the street. Terrible, terrible atmosphere and the staff were literally RUDE but somehow I ended up meeting these two women from Seattle (funny heh?) and we spent the next 4 hours drinking awful, nasty cheap beer and doing karaoke. It was a blast. It was more than a blast, I felt about 15 again. We sang "Oh Mickey" by Toni Basil, "I Want Candy" 80's version by Bow Wow Wow and "Like A Virgin" by Madonna. Another friend of mine had invited me to her Labor Day Weekend party but I thought it best I not be out driving around after at least my share of 2 pitchers of the shwag beer. She offered to have someone come get me and then I wasn't sure what was going on with Max, if he was staying where he was or not. So, I cordially declined and walked home from where I was.
Max DID stay where he was and I went home and went to sleep. Only to be awoken by my phone buzzing off the table from the alarm I'd forgotten to turn off the night before.
Monday:
Decided I'd probably better get serious about this looking for part time work thing. Got on Monster, started updating my resume and then got distracted and started surfing the net. Then a Bridgette Jones marathon was on, so I was left with little choice but to snuggle up with Kasha an watch that. Max was (you guessed it) at the skate park most of the day after he got home from baby sitting. I got a sweet text message from the gals I'd met the night before who were on their way out of town. Connecting with these girls was liberating for me, it was a nice break from all the intensity of my relationships lately. If only to serve as a reminder that I have choices, that relationships are intended to be mutually beneficial and that I needn't feeling guilt for moving forward with my own life when others cannot either support that or be tolerant of my own personal growth.
It was a good weekend, mostly quiet and largely uneventful. But most of all, restful and relaxing. Yay Weekends....but they are never ever long enough! Youth is definately wasted on working hard!
After a demanding work day, I rushed home in the hopes of getting Max's first official soccer game, against Golden High School. Unfortunately, they lost, but they did play a good game and it seemed like everyone had a good time doing so.
Max and I had a nice meal after the game and he went rushing off with S to hang out at the skate park. A came over and we chatted, caught up and he decided to take me out for drinks at the Buffallo Rose. For those of you not from Colorado, you know that this place is widely known as THE biker bar in Golden. Not generally my scene, but after getting there it was a pleasant surprise. The entire interior has been remodeled and expanded. The patron genre has expanded as well, so there was a good mix of local yokels, tourists, bikers and so on. We chatted, listened to the band and drank lemon drops until we'd had enough. Then on the way home someone got the bright idea to hike up the south mesa at midnight. It was gorgeous. The moon and the wind were speaking to me on top of that mountain. Let it be noted that I did so in my black flip flops and A only had to help me over one nasty part. Not one single ankle broken or otherwise sprained. Woo hoot. It was slightly awkward, hanging out with him. He is, after all, C's best friend on the planet. I wasn't sure if he'd been sent to spy on me or somehow otherwise be malicious. Mostly, I think he just wanted to take me out for a night 1) to get me out of the house 2) because I think he's been concerned about Max and I and 3) because I think he wanted to be sure we'd keep in touch all things considered. He's a good guy and though I'm not sure how much we really will keep in touch over the long haul, I had a great time with him Friday night. Besides, some interesting factoids were illuminated during the evening that I think slathered yet another layer of glue on an already sealed deal.
Saturday:
Max and I had breakfast and I just sort of lounged about for a bit, then he was off again to the skate park. They went downtown that day, he came home happy (and tired) as a clam. I spent a good chunk of the day feeling a lot of anxiety about not wanting to go to a party I'd been invited to and agreed to attend that night. I just didn't want to go, I don't know why I agreed to go in the first place. There isn't some significant reason why I didn't want to go, other than large groups of people feel way to overwhelming for me right now. Not to mention the fact that this particular group seems to have little in common except for drinking too much and a high rate of dysfunction. I guess I just want to be over all of that....not wanting to surround myself with negativity should hardly be a crime. However, I've been dear friends with one of these people for about 10 years and we've been through alot together. I am sure it has disappointed her greatly and there is a smidgen of a voice inside that is nudging me to feel guilty.
But I just can't do it. I can't feel guilty any more for doing what's right for me. What I learned from this is that next time I should be less committal or just simply say "No." Funny how music can capture so much of one might be feeling in any given moment. This song seems to have done just that for me in recent weeks, I know it's about a romantic relationship....but for me, it is in general how I feel about almost all of my relationships at the moment...not that I must say goodbye or end them; just that I need some space and I have to do what's right for me right now and that really has to be ok, if it can't be then I can't be left with all this guilt over it either.
Fergie - Big Girls Don't Cry
Sunday:
Max and I both slept in, had breakfast and went to The Simpson's at matinee. If you haven't seen it, please do. I'd love to compare notes. The first half was hilarious, the second very typical Simpson's fodder and 'family values' for consumption. There is a full frontal of Bart which everyone giggled about, but I think that whole scene was some how tied into censorship issues. Again, if you haven't seen "This Film Not Yet Rated" I highly encourage that as well.
Max ended up babysitting Sunday afternoon, so I took my whole $20 I had left in the 'fun' budget for the weekend and went to a new place that just opened up last week down the street. Terrible, terrible atmosphere and the staff were literally RUDE but somehow I ended up meeting these two women from Seattle (funny heh?) and we spent the next 4 hours drinking awful, nasty cheap beer and doing karaoke. It was a blast. It was more than a blast, I felt about 15 again. We sang "Oh Mickey" by Toni Basil, "I Want Candy" 80's version by Bow Wow Wow and "Like A Virgin" by Madonna. Another friend of mine had invited me to her Labor Day Weekend party but I thought it best I not be out driving around after at least my share of 2 pitchers of the shwag beer. She offered to have someone come get me and then I wasn't sure what was going on with Max, if he was staying where he was or not. So, I cordially declined and walked home from where I was.
Max DID stay where he was and I went home and went to sleep. Only to be awoken by my phone buzzing off the table from the alarm I'd forgotten to turn off the night before.
Monday:
Decided I'd probably better get serious about this looking for part time work thing. Got on Monster, started updating my resume and then got distracted and started surfing the net. Then a Bridgette Jones marathon was on, so I was left with little choice but to snuggle up with Kasha an watch that. Max was (you guessed it) at the skate park most of the day after he got home from baby sitting. I got a sweet text message from the gals I'd met the night before who were on their way out of town. Connecting with these girls was liberating for me, it was a nice break from all the intensity of my relationships lately. If only to serve as a reminder that I have choices, that relationships are intended to be mutually beneficial and that I needn't feeling guilt for moving forward with my own life when others cannot either support that or be tolerant of my own personal growth.
It was a good weekend, mostly quiet and largely uneventful. But most of all, restful and relaxing. Yay Weekends....but they are never ever long enough! Youth is definately wasted on working hard!
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