Random Moments Of Clarity

In days long ago, I lived with little or no money or possessions to speak of. Familiarity with the truest form of hunger and sickness was very real. I was very alone and vulnerable in the world, literally on the edge of reaching the depths of absolute hopelessness. I experienced a humbling existence in which I had no where to live and only by the good graces of a devoted community striving to help the likes of me, did I survive. Truly, I was saved more than once by a kind heart and the loving spirit of those willing to give so much of themselves thanklessly. I didn't know anything else but to accept their help because I couldn't help myself, I was too far gone....off in some place that still exists for however many thousands of children each day in America.

Today, I am spoiled by comparison. Living in total decadence considering that I once was able to carry everything I owned in a back pack and didn't have a dime of my own to speak of. My rather large home consists of many beautiful and divine things that enable me to live in a life of luxury, I am able to regularly wash my clothing and no longer must wash dishes by hand. My environment in general is conducive to a healthy state of spiritual, mental and emotional state. I drive a gorgeous vehicle instead of being forced to ride the bus. I earn a livable wage, my daily job is far from horrid. My son has soccer gear that I bought for him and I don't have to visit the local food bank to feed or clothe him. I am loved, valued, supported and appreciated. I still struggle and do receive a great deal of support in a number of ways, but....I certainly feel like I'm on the road to a more self sufficient existence.

For this journey, I am grateful. There are varying levels in which I can tangible see 'progress' of some sort or another in this life.

The realization dawned on me that while the progress in my life has been great, I have reached a level of achievement I never thought possible or even really imagined, but only very recently have I begun the transition out of pure survival mode and begun to fully look at living. At happiness, fulfillment, further spiritual enlighten, healing and working toward goals that have nothing to do with simple comforts, material existence and functionality. Certainly I've dabbled in the past, with working through who I am, what I am, what I want to be when I grow up, what I want to give back to the world and ultimately, the role I play in the collective existence and consciousness.

But coming down from the highs of purely surviving, of struggling to exist and fighting to care for my son has been difficult. When you live fight or flight for a long period of time, you become comfortable with it, you wait for what's around the corner, what's going to break next or what calamity is on the docket for today. When there isn't one, if you are a particularly twisted soul like myself, you might even unconsciously create a drama because it's a comfort zone for you. This being content and happy with life, this is new territory. Like all new things, it takes some adjustments.

What I am finding is that when one comes to a place in life where it doesn't feel like everything is falling apart all the time, you are able to open yourself up more to another level of existence, beyond survival. It's something resembling confidence, confidence to explore area's previously unknown more comfortably. When your life energy isn't being sucked out of you by crisis-vampires, you are able to move into a state of being that is less about simple survival and more about taking your existence to the next level.

The area in which I am seeing this the most is in my relationship with Max and Chance. I finally feel able to put my guards down, to give myself more to them without fears and approach them openly and confidently. That feels good, like I can know I am a person of value and worth, that I can succeed and that I have reached a level in life where simply getting through the day is no longer the main goal. Really living each day feels a whole lot better, I have to tell you. Some day, I might even breathe a sigh of something like relief...that I may some day just "be" and exist wholey in that being. Huh, simple stuff never ceases to surprise me.