Max Version 14.4

Max certainly is a fortunate young lad. His support system is truly massive. Though he may not know it now, there are a number of loving souls invested in his academic success, future and over all state of mental, spiritual and physical health. He is blessed more than he can know right now, he has more opportunity and resources than children that exist in a place he can't even know of right now, a place that does not exist to him because, really in so many ways...Max has not suffered in the ways of the world.

Certainly he has known heart ache, certainly he experiences struggle and strife. It's not easy to have a Dad that cannot acknowledge your existence or bother to support in your daily survival. And it definitely cannot be simple having been the son of a young, inexperienced and confused single mother all these years. I am not exactly a model example of motherhood. Loving and devoted, perhaps, but certainly no shinning gold star can go on my motherhood report card. It's sort of hard to be an evolved and completely responsible mother when you can't even know yourself yet as an evolved and responsible entity.

So yes, he has suffered. Some of this situation has been really unfair for him. He will suffer more in life, I'm afraid. It's painful and unfortunate, I'd like to think he will not but I now know that he must experience struggle in order to experience reward. Simple stuff, I know. The basics of parenting classes, cause and effect, natural consequences and so on. It was a lot easier when he was small, it seemed obvious. Through the years I forgot about letting go a little and tried so hard to protect him from being hurt, from falling down, from tears...from everything. So in many ways, Mj probably didn't learn enough about consequences, about how to make decisions on his own...how to 'be' outside of me. Nice job Mom.

I'll save the self-abuse and lashings for when Max is an adult and in therapy figuring this stuff out all on his own, b/c he'll probably be pretty angry that I taught him to be so co-dependant rather than independent. I am sorry for that. I wish I would have empowered him more, I wish I would have given him more life survival skills. I wanted him to be protected, to have a shelter, to be the mother that would go to bat for him when ever he needed me. I think now that I needed him to need me, for so long, we were all we had. I wanted so badly for him to NOT know how hard life can be that I never gave him in any tools from which to build his own safety net. To know how to face the world with confidence. The words "I thought I was doing the right thing" are ringing in my head. But words mean nothing in the long run, only actions.

Clearly the kid has faced some hardships already, hardships for which I hope he does not pay for his entire life. Yet, his hardships, I believe, are favorably outweighed by the benefits that surround him. Ok, so his Mom is a bit of a control freak with all these outrageous neurotic idea's of what might happen to her one and only baby, so she goes over the top in protecting him. And maybe his Mom hasn't always known how to cope with the mountain of stress that she has endured for a good portion of his young life and he's probably seen her loose it a few times....and maybe his Mom is far less than perfect in an enormous number of ways. But his Mom sticks by him and loves him the best way she knows how. His Mom works hard to make a life for him, to give him stability and support, to build a strong system of love around him and forces her own ego to subside and allow others to help her parent him when she does not know how.

His Mom cannot comment on his Dad at the moment because it is not something she can control, but even in the face of that complex situation, his Mom works hard to put his needs first, in spite of her fears. Her rage. Her own pain.

And for all these reasons, he is fortunate. He is blowing it in school, he's got people who love him who choose to step up and get him on track. He needs help figuring out all this emotion he's got about his Mom and Dad, he's got support in trying to work through all that stuff that is bound to totally jack him for an eternity if it doesn't start getting worked out now. Max has the world in his hand, he's got every opportunity at his fingertips to take control now and move past the hardships he's already faced. It's likely he's going to face a great deal of uphill battles getting himself back on track, but no one is going to let him get away with it. His family cares about him enough to hold him accountable and pick him back up when he's fighting it. The very fundamental way in which Max is fortunate in so many ways that most children on the planet are not...is that he has opportunity. He is loved. He has support. He has food to eat and a warm bed. He is not beaten or abused, he is not impoverished and forced to work the streets to survive. He is surrounded by compassionate, kind, educated, concerned and creative people all working together in the hopes that he may have a good life. People who have no stake in his success other than that they care for him, for his future, people who have done nothing but support and love him (and his Mom) through a great many years of difficulty. His family near and far all are rooting for him.

What he does with that now, how he carries this gift into these next stages of his life, is ultimately up to him. If he resists it, he will still be loved. If he repeats 8th grade or has to go to summer school, than so be it. If he needs to be full of teen angst and rebel against the one person safe person in his life whom he cannot decide whether to love with all his heart or hate with all his rage, she understands.

Good Luck Max, bless you in your travels and journeys through your private landscape of life.