An adventurous and busy few days it's been, so much to report and reflect upon, not enough time...promise to blogg soon....until then, I leave you with this:
http://www.alternet.org/workplace/49678/
Monday, March 26, 2007
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Celebrate Equinox!
Ready yourself for the lushness of spring and warm nights of summer to come!
This spring should be a lovely one in Colorado, surely a plentiful environment for bunnies to make more bunnies and columbines to bloom a'plenty.
Peace to you all, Happy Ostara!
This spring should be a lovely one in Colorado, surely a plentiful environment for bunnies to make more bunnies and columbines to bloom a'plenty.
Peace to you all, Happy Ostara!
Monday, March 19, 2007
Moody Mondays
I am exhausted today, hurt my back over the weekend some how and now basically feel useless. Feeling guilty b/c I am supposed to go to a reunion of previous CORRA coworkers this evening and don't have the energy to face the Tech Center traffic with the back thing and sit at a restaurant for 3 hours. So I'm backing out and feeling like a shit in doing so. Chance is madly scrambling to prep for his finals today, which I know he'll do fine on but he is essentially on another planet until he is done with them all. He then starts class again the week of April 1st, so he'll have a few weekends to chill...but it's Spring and time for yard work, no rest for the wicked!
I could deal with all these things, except for the following 2:
a) My Pumpkin kitty had some sort of episode on Saturday night, something that appeared to be similar to a seizure. So I spent Saturday night snuggling her and crying and trying to face the reality that I must take her to the vet and the possibility that the vet will want to put her to sleep. I am still pretty much not dealing with it, so I can't go to much more into it except to say that the complexities of this situation are enormous and it truly challenges my spirit. And it is quite painful.
b) My clients are giving me a pretty hard time when I try to take time off, as if they some how own me or can make that decision. When I contact them with an update about my schedule...I'm not ASKING. Hello! I alerted them to the fact that I'd be off this week to spend time with my Aunty (2 weeks ago I told them) they are pouting and being difficult....I also gave them a heads up about my trip to Mexico in July 2007. They've basically said a firm "No" unless I can find a back up, which like so many jobs I've had before....there is NO back up for my position. Not to this extent. I understand, both of these scheduled time off periods are around close out...but I've always worked very hard to accommodate their close out periods and the corresponding reporting that is needed. I have 2 close outs each month, both of which take up several days before and after to finalized. So about 2 weeks out of the month I work very hard not to schedule time off. But in this case, it cannot be helped. I'm sorry, but I call bullshit! If they were charged for every night and weekend hour I've worked for them, to meet their time frames which are often completely unreasonable and usually totally based on a lack of proper planning and decision making....if they'd been charged for all that extra stress....they would be complaining about billing more and more and I would have gotten a much bigger raise this past review period.
And again...I'm not ASKING.
Nancy is my boss, not them. Problem is, this puts me in a quandary with her as well because she needs me to do the job. Period. That is why I am hired, at some point...I may be promoted and moved off these projects, but for now...I am assigned to these clients and I know she looks to me to be on the ball for them. She really needs me to handle these guys, because she doesn't have time to. She knows I work hard, she knows I am on the ball. I know that I am and she knows they are often unreasonable, but the client is generally the one you want to satisfy. Nancy is also on that list, she is an excellent boss. Not to mention that Nancy is a no-nonsense kind of player, if the answer is "No" the answer is "No" to her and that's the end of it. She is reasonable, which I appreciate...but if the client throws a fit, her hands are going to be tied and she may not be able to do anything about it.
I call this the "Don't Ask, Don't Take PTO Policy" wherein I have PTO, but am not really encouraged to take it or allowed to use it. I get the idea that vacations must be planned in advance and all bases covered, historically I've been very responsible about this (I've only take one week long vacation in the 2 years I've been here) and am always sure to wrap up any loose ends...but dang, at what point does this become unfair to me and inappropriate of the client?
So, I'm feeling a little cranky at the moment...I'd rather be with my kitty.
I could deal with all these things, except for the following 2:
a) My Pumpkin kitty had some sort of episode on Saturday night, something that appeared to be similar to a seizure. So I spent Saturday night snuggling her and crying and trying to face the reality that I must take her to the vet and the possibility that the vet will want to put her to sleep. I am still pretty much not dealing with it, so I can't go to much more into it except to say that the complexities of this situation are enormous and it truly challenges my spirit. And it is quite painful.
b) My clients are giving me a pretty hard time when I try to take time off, as if they some how own me or can make that decision. When I contact them with an update about my schedule...I'm not ASKING. Hello! I alerted them to the fact that I'd be off this week to spend time with my Aunty (2 weeks ago I told them) they are pouting and being difficult....I also gave them a heads up about my trip to Mexico in July 2007. They've basically said a firm "No" unless I can find a back up, which like so many jobs I've had before....there is NO back up for my position. Not to this extent. I understand, both of these scheduled time off periods are around close out...but I've always worked very hard to accommodate their close out periods and the corresponding reporting that is needed. I have 2 close outs each month, both of which take up several days before and after to finalized. So about 2 weeks out of the month I work very hard not to schedule time off. But in this case, it cannot be helped. I'm sorry, but I call bullshit! If they were charged for every night and weekend hour I've worked for them, to meet their time frames which are often completely unreasonable and usually totally based on a lack of proper planning and decision making....if they'd been charged for all that extra stress....they would be complaining about billing more and more and I would have gotten a much bigger raise this past review period.
And again...I'm not ASKING.
Nancy is my boss, not them. Problem is, this puts me in a quandary with her as well because she needs me to do the job. Period. That is why I am hired, at some point...I may be promoted and moved off these projects, but for now...I am assigned to these clients and I know she looks to me to be on the ball for them. She really needs me to handle these guys, because she doesn't have time to. She knows I work hard, she knows I am on the ball. I know that I am and she knows they are often unreasonable, but the client is generally the one you want to satisfy. Nancy is also on that list, she is an excellent boss. Not to mention that Nancy is a no-nonsense kind of player, if the answer is "No" the answer is "No" to her and that's the end of it. She is reasonable, which I appreciate...but if the client throws a fit, her hands are going to be tied and she may not be able to do anything about it.
I call this the "Don't Ask, Don't Take PTO Policy" wherein I have PTO, but am not really encouraged to take it or allowed to use it. I get the idea that vacations must be planned in advance and all bases covered, historically I've been very responsible about this (I've only take one week long vacation in the 2 years I've been here) and am always sure to wrap up any loose ends...but dang, at what point does this become unfair to me and inappropriate of the client?
So, I'm feeling a little cranky at the moment...I'd rather be with my kitty.
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Baby Birdies
There are baby birdies flitting about every near my work, it's very sweet. Prancing about, following their momma birdies....searching for whatever little nitpicky piece of something they might find. They made me smile today, that's always a bonus yes?
Has anyone watched "Mind Of Mencia" on Comedy Central? Goodness is that some raunchy humor, but danget if it isn't some funny stuff still. Laughing at American culture and how ridiculously racist and contradictive we are is pretty hard to ignore, if I was a comedian I'd probably pick that stuff to mock as well...it's just to open for fodder not to. It's on after Cobert so we sort of bumped into on accident, C and I were both just stared at the television and then burst into ruckus laughter. Quite funny. Then South Park came on which means I have to go to bed because I am getting old and need to be sleeping by 10:30 or 11 these days or I am essentially worthless.
I'm sorta grumpy, hormonal mostly...too much to do and not enough energy at the moment. I also have the worst case of cramps on recent record, so I'm trying to grin and bear but mostly I feel like getting violent toward those in my way (which is every one today of course, because every one is bothersome to me at the moment) or running home to cry and cuddle my dog. All that unconditional love, tail wagging and face licking is sort of hard not to look forward to. Last night we went to bed before Chance did and she spent a good portion of our in-between sleep/awake time taking up the entire bed until she was comfortable. Of course I patiently waited for her to get to sleep before I could myself get situated, I don't mind. She is my baby, I just laugh at her...turning circles, this little lump moving around under the covers sniffing my feet and popping up in random spots for air.
Work is fine, life is over all fine...Spring is on it's way and this rebirth brings a thrill to my life, I enjoy it every year...but the change of seasons bring a certain moodiness my direction. I generally ignore it, but it is a real thing for me so I sort of have to go through the motions of what ever emotion it is that gets me going when the seasons change. Fall is especially difficult for me, but Spring brings so much excitement to me that I think I get a little overly anxious.
I've got to get my big bloated butt moving to pick up Max, make a quick dinner and head to Georgia's, then we have to get home and go pick up his hardware for his next shop project. Max's schedule will be the focus of my attention besides work for several months, unit July or so. It's great stuff for him, albeit totally demanding for everyone involved, it's still forward motion and that's really good. Luckily, I've finally learned how to really say no to people...I say this b/c there have been many social aspects of life that are essentially on hold for both Chance and I and while this means that many of our friends are feeling a little put out because we can't hang out as much or watch their baby or have dinner parties, that's pretty much ok with us. One thing I know for certain in life is that when you don't do what's right for you, you loose you...you loose focus and you loose direction. Max, our home and my family are my direction and affirming this both in this blogg, but also pretty consistently with others has been really good for me. I certainly am learning allot about who's supportive and understanding of this and who is not.
Peace ya'll, love
s
Has anyone watched "Mind Of Mencia" on Comedy Central? Goodness is that some raunchy humor, but danget if it isn't some funny stuff still. Laughing at American culture and how ridiculously racist and contradictive we are is pretty hard to ignore, if I was a comedian I'd probably pick that stuff to mock as well...it's just to open for fodder not to. It's on after Cobert so we sort of bumped into on accident, C and I were both just stared at the television and then burst into ruckus laughter. Quite funny. Then South Park came on which means I have to go to bed because I am getting old and need to be sleeping by 10:30 or 11 these days or I am essentially worthless.
I'm sorta grumpy, hormonal mostly...too much to do and not enough energy at the moment. I also have the worst case of cramps on recent record, so I'm trying to grin and bear but mostly I feel like getting violent toward those in my way (which is every one today of course, because every one is bothersome to me at the moment) or running home to cry and cuddle my dog. All that unconditional love, tail wagging and face licking is sort of hard not to look forward to. Last night we went to bed before Chance did and she spent a good portion of our in-between sleep/awake time taking up the entire bed until she was comfortable. Of course I patiently waited for her to get to sleep before I could myself get situated, I don't mind. She is my baby, I just laugh at her...turning circles, this little lump moving around under the covers sniffing my feet and popping up in random spots for air.
Work is fine, life is over all fine...Spring is on it's way and this rebirth brings a thrill to my life, I enjoy it every year...but the change of seasons bring a certain moodiness my direction. I generally ignore it, but it is a real thing for me so I sort of have to go through the motions of what ever emotion it is that gets me going when the seasons change. Fall is especially difficult for me, but Spring brings so much excitement to me that I think I get a little overly anxious.
I've got to get my big bloated butt moving to pick up Max, make a quick dinner and head to Georgia's, then we have to get home and go pick up his hardware for his next shop project. Max's schedule will be the focus of my attention besides work for several months, unit July or so. It's great stuff for him, albeit totally demanding for everyone involved, it's still forward motion and that's really good. Luckily, I've finally learned how to really say no to people...I say this b/c there have been many social aspects of life that are essentially on hold for both Chance and I and while this means that many of our friends are feeling a little put out because we can't hang out as much or watch their baby or have dinner parties, that's pretty much ok with us. One thing I know for certain in life is that when you don't do what's right for you, you loose you...you loose focus and you loose direction. Max, our home and my family are my direction and affirming this both in this blogg, but also pretty consistently with others has been really good for me. I certainly am learning allot about who's supportive and understanding of this and who is not.
Peace ya'll, love
s
Monday, March 12, 2007
Fast Food Nation
Fast Food Nation
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fast_Food_Nation
I never did pick up this book and read it, after seeing the movie, I'm not so sure I have it in me at this point. As a vegetarian for a good portion of my life, I am fairly familiar with this information and the message that is attempting to be conveyed to the world about what what's really in the meat and the cruel steps involved in getting it from farm to plate. Certainly I have an obligation to read this book, but I'm just not sure I can read one more horrifying commentary on factory farming, torture and mass murder, environmental effects and the number of chemicals in your average fast food burger. It's pretty horrifying stuff, it's difficult for me to absorb.
However, it pleases me greatly that documentary and documentary style cinema have become increasingly popular. Surely there isn't much choice, the Mtv generation isn't going to be able to sit through the 2 and 3 hour long documentaries of 20 years ago, let alone read. The attention spans and busy life styles can only support short, quick bursts of entertaining, sensory overloading, heart wrenching, attention demanding blasts of information. Luckily, folks are getting hip to this game and more and more information is becoming more and more available to more and more audiences. Perhaps audiences that might not have the inclination otherwise to research a particular topic, such as factory farming or casein and how it effects your body or the astronomical impacts of mass produced food has on our environment. My hope would be that these audiences that have broader access to information, might become curious and take a small sample of what they saw in the movie and research it on the internet or (gasp) go to their local library and check out a book on the subject. It's encouraging, the idea of getting the message out to the world.
One area in which this movie is particularly powerful is how humanizing the stories are. I feel it brings forward how far reaching the problem is, to what scale and depth the impacts of this industry. It truly is a macro level issue, and the personal plight of each character in the movie reaches any number of us personally. If the slaughter house scenes don't move the viewer enough to consider this issue more completely, the emotional drama's might. There are a number of conversation and scenes which affected me deeply, in particular a conversation an uncle has with his 17 year old nice who works at a fast good chain in a small Colorado town. It is a message of hope and clarity, it is a message a thousand other 17 year olds living in desolate towns need to hear.
The film could have defiantly devoted more time to the governmental policies propagating this industry's total disregard for life and health It is touched on briefly, by a group of college freshmen hippy kids ready to effect change, some of that dialogue I thought was well presented and not to full of jargon so it might make sense to someone unfamiliar with the various terminologies. Over all though, the whole issue of politics in this scenario was largely ignored.
I also watched "This Film Is Not Yet Rated" http://www.ifc.com/films?aId=18019 yesterday afternoon and found it to be an interesting and well directed documentary about the cinema rating guidelines and decision makers in America. The method in which the films is produced breathes a little life into the censorship discussion and the ultimately, the back-assward priorities in American culture about sex and violence. It's also pretty entertaining and a little flashy here and there to keep us GenXer's interested long enough to possibly absorb the information, but it's not over the top. I'd say that's a good goal for those interested in the documentary scene, keeping it edgy is a good way to keep viewers focused, but keep it authentic. Don't try to bullshit your audience. We aren't the brightest stars in the sky, but going over the top and being overtly flamboyant will distract viewers and obscure the message.
Oh yes, and congratulations to Al Gore and Davis Guggenheim for sticking it to Oscar. Informing the public and getting people on board isn't about winning awards and public accolades, but it doesn't really hurt either.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fast_Food_Nation
I never did pick up this book and read it, after seeing the movie, I'm not so sure I have it in me at this point. As a vegetarian for a good portion of my life, I am fairly familiar with this information and the message that is attempting to be conveyed to the world about what what's really in the meat and the cruel steps involved in getting it from farm to plate. Certainly I have an obligation to read this book, but I'm just not sure I can read one more horrifying commentary on factory farming, torture and mass murder, environmental effects and the number of chemicals in your average fast food burger. It's pretty horrifying stuff, it's difficult for me to absorb.
However, it pleases me greatly that documentary and documentary style cinema have become increasingly popular. Surely there isn't much choice, the Mtv generation isn't going to be able to sit through the 2 and 3 hour long documentaries of 20 years ago, let alone read. The attention spans and busy life styles can only support short, quick bursts of entertaining, sensory overloading, heart wrenching, attention demanding blasts of information. Luckily, folks are getting hip to this game and more and more information is becoming more and more available to more and more audiences. Perhaps audiences that might not have the inclination otherwise to research a particular topic, such as factory farming or casein and how it effects your body or the astronomical impacts of mass produced food has on our environment. My hope would be that these audiences that have broader access to information, might become curious and take a small sample of what they saw in the movie and research it on the internet or (gasp) go to their local library and check out a book on the subject. It's encouraging, the idea of getting the message out to the world.
One area in which this movie is particularly powerful is how humanizing the stories are. I feel it brings forward how far reaching the problem is, to what scale and depth the impacts of this industry. It truly is a macro level issue, and the personal plight of each character in the movie reaches any number of us personally. If the slaughter house scenes don't move the viewer enough to consider this issue more completely, the emotional drama's might. There are a number of conversation and scenes which affected me deeply, in particular a conversation an uncle has with his 17 year old nice who works at a fast good chain in a small Colorado town. It is a message of hope and clarity, it is a message a thousand other 17 year olds living in desolate towns need to hear.
The film could have defiantly devoted more time to the governmental policies propagating this industry's total disregard for life and health It is touched on briefly, by a group of college freshmen hippy kids ready to effect change, some of that dialogue I thought was well presented and not to full of jargon so it might make sense to someone unfamiliar with the various terminologies. Over all though, the whole issue of politics in this scenario was largely ignored.
I also watched "This Film Is Not Yet Rated" http://www.ifc.com/films?aId=18019 yesterday afternoon and found it to be an interesting and well directed documentary about the cinema rating guidelines and decision makers in America. The method in which the films is produced breathes a little life into the censorship discussion and the ultimately, the back-assward priorities in American culture about sex and violence. It's also pretty entertaining and a little flashy here and there to keep us GenXer's interested long enough to possibly absorb the information, but it's not over the top. I'd say that's a good goal for those interested in the documentary scene, keeping it edgy is a good way to keep viewers focused, but keep it authentic. Don't try to bullshit your audience. We aren't the brightest stars in the sky, but going over the top and being overtly flamboyant will distract viewers and obscure the message.
Oh yes, and congratulations to Al Gore and Davis Guggenheim for sticking it to Oscar. Informing the public and getting people on board isn't about winning awards and public accolades, but it doesn't really hurt either.
Friday, March 09, 2007
Random Moments Of Clarity
In days long ago, I lived with little or no money or possessions to speak of. Familiarity with the truest form of hunger and sickness was very real. I was very alone and vulnerable in the world, literally on the edge of reaching the depths of absolute hopelessness. I experienced a humbling existence in which I had no where to live and only by the good graces of a devoted community striving to help the likes of me, did I survive. Truly, I was saved more than once by a kind heart and the loving spirit of those willing to give so much of themselves thanklessly. I didn't know anything else but to accept their help because I couldn't help myself, I was too far gone....off in some place that still exists for however many thousands of children each day in America.
Today, I am spoiled by comparison. Living in total decadence considering that I once was able to carry everything I owned in a back pack and didn't have a dime of my own to speak of. My rather large home consists of many beautiful and divine things that enable me to live in a life of luxury, I am able to regularly wash my clothing and no longer must wash dishes by hand. My environment in general is conducive to a healthy state of spiritual, mental and emotional state. I drive a gorgeous vehicle instead of being forced to ride the bus. I earn a livable wage, my daily job is far from horrid. My son has soccer gear that I bought for him and I don't have to visit the local food bank to feed or clothe him. I am loved, valued, supported and appreciated. I still struggle and do receive a great deal of support in a number of ways, but....I certainly feel like I'm on the road to a more self sufficient existence.
For this journey, I am grateful. There are varying levels in which I can tangible see 'progress' of some sort or another in this life.
The realization dawned on me that while the progress in my life has been great, I have reached a level of achievement I never thought possible or even really imagined, but only very recently have I begun the transition out of pure survival mode and begun to fully look at living. At happiness, fulfillment, further spiritual enlighten, healing and working toward goals that have nothing to do with simple comforts, material existence and functionality. Certainly I've dabbled in the past, with working through who I am, what I am, what I want to be when I grow up, what I want to give back to the world and ultimately, the role I play in the collective existence and consciousness.
But coming down from the highs of purely surviving, of struggling to exist and fighting to care for my son has been difficult. When you live fight or flight for a long period of time, you become comfortable with it, you wait for what's around the corner, what's going to break next or what calamity is on the docket for today. When there isn't one, if you are a particularly twisted soul like myself, you might even unconsciously create a drama because it's a comfort zone for you. This being content and happy with life, this is new territory. Like all new things, it takes some adjustments.
What I am finding is that when one comes to a place in life where it doesn't feel like everything is falling apart all the time, you are able to open yourself up more to another level of existence, beyond survival. It's something resembling confidence, confidence to explore area's previously unknown more comfortably. When your life energy isn't being sucked out of you by crisis-vampires, you are able to move into a state of being that is less about simple survival and more about taking your existence to the next level.
The area in which I am seeing this the most is in my relationship with Max and Chance. I finally feel able to put my guards down, to give myself more to them without fears and approach them openly and confidently. That feels good, like I can know I am a person of value and worth, that I can succeed and that I have reached a level in life where simply getting through the day is no longer the main goal. Really living each day feels a whole lot better, I have to tell you. Some day, I might even breathe a sigh of something like relief...that I may some day just "be" and exist wholey in that being. Huh, simple stuff never ceases to surprise me.
Today, I am spoiled by comparison. Living in total decadence considering that I once was able to carry everything I owned in a back pack and didn't have a dime of my own to speak of. My rather large home consists of many beautiful and divine things that enable me to live in a life of luxury, I am able to regularly wash my clothing and no longer must wash dishes by hand. My environment in general is conducive to a healthy state of spiritual, mental and emotional state. I drive a gorgeous vehicle instead of being forced to ride the bus. I earn a livable wage, my daily job is far from horrid. My son has soccer gear that I bought for him and I don't have to visit the local food bank to feed or clothe him. I am loved, valued, supported and appreciated. I still struggle and do receive a great deal of support in a number of ways, but....I certainly feel like I'm on the road to a more self sufficient existence.
For this journey, I am grateful. There are varying levels in which I can tangible see 'progress' of some sort or another in this life.
The realization dawned on me that while the progress in my life has been great, I have reached a level of achievement I never thought possible or even really imagined, but only very recently have I begun the transition out of pure survival mode and begun to fully look at living. At happiness, fulfillment, further spiritual enlighten, healing and working toward goals that have nothing to do with simple comforts, material existence and functionality. Certainly I've dabbled in the past, with working through who I am, what I am, what I want to be when I grow up, what I want to give back to the world and ultimately, the role I play in the collective existence and consciousness.
But coming down from the highs of purely surviving, of struggling to exist and fighting to care for my son has been difficult. When you live fight or flight for a long period of time, you become comfortable with it, you wait for what's around the corner, what's going to break next or what calamity is on the docket for today. When there isn't one, if you are a particularly twisted soul like myself, you might even unconsciously create a drama because it's a comfort zone for you. This being content and happy with life, this is new territory. Like all new things, it takes some adjustments.
What I am finding is that when one comes to a place in life where it doesn't feel like everything is falling apart all the time, you are able to open yourself up more to another level of existence, beyond survival. It's something resembling confidence, confidence to explore area's previously unknown more comfortably. When your life energy isn't being sucked out of you by crisis-vampires, you are able to move into a state of being that is less about simple survival and more about taking your existence to the next level.
The area in which I am seeing this the most is in my relationship with Max and Chance. I finally feel able to put my guards down, to give myself more to them without fears and approach them openly and confidently. That feels good, like I can know I am a person of value and worth, that I can succeed and that I have reached a level in life where simply getting through the day is no longer the main goal. Really living each day feels a whole lot better, I have to tell you. Some day, I might even breathe a sigh of something like relief...that I may some day just "be" and exist wholey in that being. Huh, simple stuff never ceases to surprise me.
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
Max Version 14.4
Max certainly is a fortunate young lad. His support system is truly massive. Though he may not know it now, there are a number of loving souls invested in his academic success, future and over all state of mental, spiritual and physical health. He is blessed more than he can know right now, he has more opportunity and resources than children that exist in a place he can't even know of right now, a place that does not exist to him because, really in so many ways...Max has not suffered in the ways of the world.
Certainly he has known heart ache, certainly he experiences struggle and strife. It's not easy to have a Dad that cannot acknowledge your existence or bother to support in your daily survival. And it definitely cannot be simple having been the son of a young, inexperienced and confused single mother all these years. I am not exactly a model example of motherhood. Loving and devoted, perhaps, but certainly no shinning gold star can go on my motherhood report card. It's sort of hard to be an evolved and completely responsible mother when you can't even know yourself yet as an evolved and responsible entity.
So yes, he has suffered. Some of this situation has been really unfair for him. He will suffer more in life, I'm afraid. It's painful and unfortunate, I'd like to think he will not but I now know that he must experience struggle in order to experience reward. Simple stuff, I know. The basics of parenting classes, cause and effect, natural consequences and so on. It was a lot easier when he was small, it seemed obvious. Through the years I forgot about letting go a little and tried so hard to protect him from being hurt, from falling down, from tears...from everything. So in many ways, Mj probably didn't learn enough about consequences, about how to make decisions on his own...how to 'be' outside of me. Nice job Mom.
I'll save the self-abuse and lashings for when Max is an adult and in therapy figuring this stuff out all on his own, b/c he'll probably be pretty angry that I taught him to be so co-dependant rather than independent. I am sorry for that. I wish I would have empowered him more, I wish I would have given him more life survival skills. I wanted him to be protected, to have a shelter, to be the mother that would go to bat for him when ever he needed me. I think now that I needed him to need me, for so long, we were all we had. I wanted so badly for him to NOT know how hard life can be that I never gave him in any tools from which to build his own safety net. To know how to face the world with confidence. The words "I thought I was doing the right thing" are ringing in my head. But words mean nothing in the long run, only actions.
Clearly the kid has faced some hardships already, hardships for which I hope he does not pay for his entire life. Yet, his hardships, I believe, are favorably outweighed by the benefits that surround him. Ok, so his Mom is a bit of a control freak with all these outrageous neurotic idea's of what might happen to her one and only baby, so she goes over the top in protecting him. And maybe his Mom hasn't always known how to cope with the mountain of stress that she has endured for a good portion of his young life and he's probably seen her loose it a few times....and maybe his Mom is far less than perfect in an enormous number of ways. But his Mom sticks by him and loves him the best way she knows how. His Mom works hard to make a life for him, to give him stability and support, to build a strong system of love around him and forces her own ego to subside and allow others to help her parent him when she does not know how.
His Mom cannot comment on his Dad at the moment because it is not something she can control, but even in the face of that complex situation, his Mom works hard to put his needs first, in spite of her fears. Her rage. Her own pain.
And for all these reasons, he is fortunate. He is blowing it in school, he's got people who love him who choose to step up and get him on track. He needs help figuring out all this emotion he's got about his Mom and Dad, he's got support in trying to work through all that stuff that is bound to totally jack him for an eternity if it doesn't start getting worked out now. Max has the world in his hand, he's got every opportunity at his fingertips to take control now and move past the hardships he's already faced. It's likely he's going to face a great deal of uphill battles getting himself back on track, but no one is going to let him get away with it. His family cares about him enough to hold him accountable and pick him back up when he's fighting it. The very fundamental way in which Max is fortunate in so many ways that most children on the planet are not...is that he has opportunity. He is loved. He has support. He has food to eat and a warm bed. He is not beaten or abused, he is not impoverished and forced to work the streets to survive. He is surrounded by compassionate, kind, educated, concerned and creative people all working together in the hopes that he may have a good life. People who have no stake in his success other than that they care for him, for his future, people who have done nothing but support and love him (and his Mom) through a great many years of difficulty. His family near and far all are rooting for him.
What he does with that now, how he carries this gift into these next stages of his life, is ultimately up to him. If he resists it, he will still be loved. If he repeats 8th grade or has to go to summer school, than so be it. If he needs to be full of teen angst and rebel against the one person safe person in his life whom he cannot decide whether to love with all his heart or hate with all his rage, she understands.
Good Luck Max, bless you in your travels and journeys through your private landscape of life.
Certainly he has known heart ache, certainly he experiences struggle and strife. It's not easy to have a Dad that cannot acknowledge your existence or bother to support in your daily survival. And it definitely cannot be simple having been the son of a young, inexperienced and confused single mother all these years. I am not exactly a model example of motherhood. Loving and devoted, perhaps, but certainly no shinning gold star can go on my motherhood report card. It's sort of hard to be an evolved and completely responsible mother when you can't even know yourself yet as an evolved and responsible entity.
So yes, he has suffered. Some of this situation has been really unfair for him. He will suffer more in life, I'm afraid. It's painful and unfortunate, I'd like to think he will not but I now know that he must experience struggle in order to experience reward. Simple stuff, I know. The basics of parenting classes, cause and effect, natural consequences and so on. It was a lot easier when he was small, it seemed obvious. Through the years I forgot about letting go a little and tried so hard to protect him from being hurt, from falling down, from tears...from everything. So in many ways, Mj probably didn't learn enough about consequences, about how to make decisions on his own...how to 'be' outside of me. Nice job Mom.
I'll save the self-abuse and lashings for when Max is an adult and in therapy figuring this stuff out all on his own, b/c he'll probably be pretty angry that I taught him to be so co-dependant rather than independent. I am sorry for that. I wish I would have empowered him more, I wish I would have given him more life survival skills. I wanted him to be protected, to have a shelter, to be the mother that would go to bat for him when ever he needed me. I think now that I needed him to need me, for so long, we were all we had. I wanted so badly for him to NOT know how hard life can be that I never gave him in any tools from which to build his own safety net. To know how to face the world with confidence. The words "I thought I was doing the right thing" are ringing in my head. But words mean nothing in the long run, only actions.
Clearly the kid has faced some hardships already, hardships for which I hope he does not pay for his entire life. Yet, his hardships, I believe, are favorably outweighed by the benefits that surround him. Ok, so his Mom is a bit of a control freak with all these outrageous neurotic idea's of what might happen to her one and only baby, so she goes over the top in protecting him. And maybe his Mom hasn't always known how to cope with the mountain of stress that she has endured for a good portion of his young life and he's probably seen her loose it a few times....and maybe his Mom is far less than perfect in an enormous number of ways. But his Mom sticks by him and loves him the best way she knows how. His Mom works hard to make a life for him, to give him stability and support, to build a strong system of love around him and forces her own ego to subside and allow others to help her parent him when she does not know how.
His Mom cannot comment on his Dad at the moment because it is not something she can control, but even in the face of that complex situation, his Mom works hard to put his needs first, in spite of her fears. Her rage. Her own pain.
And for all these reasons, he is fortunate. He is blowing it in school, he's got people who love him who choose to step up and get him on track. He needs help figuring out all this emotion he's got about his Mom and Dad, he's got support in trying to work through all that stuff that is bound to totally jack him for an eternity if it doesn't start getting worked out now. Max has the world in his hand, he's got every opportunity at his fingertips to take control now and move past the hardships he's already faced. It's likely he's going to face a great deal of uphill battles getting himself back on track, but no one is going to let him get away with it. His family cares about him enough to hold him accountable and pick him back up when he's fighting it. The very fundamental way in which Max is fortunate in so many ways that most children on the planet are not...is that he has opportunity. He is loved. He has support. He has food to eat and a warm bed. He is not beaten or abused, he is not impoverished and forced to work the streets to survive. He is surrounded by compassionate, kind, educated, concerned and creative people all working together in the hopes that he may have a good life. People who have no stake in his success other than that they care for him, for his future, people who have done nothing but support and love him (and his Mom) through a great many years of difficulty. His family near and far all are rooting for him.
What he does with that now, how he carries this gift into these next stages of his life, is ultimately up to him. If he resists it, he will still be loved. If he repeats 8th grade or has to go to summer school, than so be it. If he needs to be full of teen angst and rebel against the one person safe person in his life whom he cannot decide whether to love with all his heart or hate with all his rage, she understands.
Good Luck Max, bless you in your travels and journeys through your private landscape of life.
Monday, March 05, 2007
The Wheels On The Bus...
Go round and round, round and round.....
I fell off the bus yesterday and had dairy for breakfeast. I feel physically weighed down and something is a bit off for certain. I committed a vegan cardnal sin by eating somewhere I was pretty sure didn't have many options for me AND I was starving. So I basically set myself up for failure and today and am regretting that failure deeply. Partly because I have managed to do extremely well for several months now, but mostly because I feel sickened by the whole idea of eating those foods and like failed a cause I am committed to.
Today is a new day and I am back on the bus. I am feeling like I need to do a formal cleansing of some sort, in all my spare time I'm sure I'll be able to make THAT happen (gifaw) so I'll just recomitt my focus to what I believe is important and chug the water in hopes of flushing out my system.
Friday night Max and I went to D's play at his high school in Denver. West Side Story (Ha, Crys...thought of you! I feel pretty...oh so prettttty) perfromed by quite the high school cast. These kids are fun to watch, such talent and promise. D certainly had those dance steps down and Max was entertained for the entire performance, certainely an indicator of how captivating each scene was.
Saturday C & Max went to the art museum (free 1st sat of every month, score!) and I....what did I do? I painted my nails, took a nap....drank some wine, talked to Kristen on the phone and watched a Tupac movie I'd never seen or heard of. The boys came home and C had yet more work to do and trips to make and next thing I knew, M & H were at my door banging on it like the damn police. Normally I might mention to someone that banging on the door in such a manner is a little irritating, but it's M and he's pretty much harmless and has good intentions...so I didn't curse him for startling me. This time. Next time I might answer the door with a bucket of ice water. We'll see, guess that's his gamble:)
M & H had a party to attend and hung out for only a bit before speeding off to the next destination. They are cute, like all couples trying to work through what works for them, what their boundaries are...not to mention finding out who they are in the process. Being young and in love isn't always easy, some times sacrifices are nessisary and real life stuff eventually pops up that must be dealt with...but the whole process can teach us so much about who we are, what we want, what we don't want and being selfless.
Sunday went shopping to get Mj all set up for soccer (starts tonight, how exciting!) and did some laundry, resting...so on. C worked on school projects well into the night. Another weekend flew, but it was a fun weekend for me. The last before our weekends are loaded with soccer games and outdoor activities. SPRING is almost here - that's right! I'm sort of ready for clearing of the air, out with that stale winter stuff and in with the new summery smelling, fresh stuff!
Happy Monday All...may the wheels on your bus bring you to a place of peace.
I fell off the bus yesterday and had dairy for breakfeast. I feel physically weighed down and something is a bit off for certain. I committed a vegan cardnal sin by eating somewhere I was pretty sure didn't have many options for me AND I was starving. So I basically set myself up for failure and today and am regretting that failure deeply. Partly because I have managed to do extremely well for several months now, but mostly because I feel sickened by the whole idea of eating those foods and like failed a cause I am committed to.
Today is a new day and I am back on the bus. I am feeling like I need to do a formal cleansing of some sort, in all my spare time I'm sure I'll be able to make THAT happen (gifaw) so I'll just recomitt my focus to what I believe is important and chug the water in hopes of flushing out my system.
Friday night Max and I went to D's play at his high school in Denver. West Side Story (Ha, Crys...thought of you! I feel pretty...oh so prettttty) perfromed by quite the high school cast. These kids are fun to watch, such talent and promise. D certainly had those dance steps down and Max was entertained for the entire performance, certainely an indicator of how captivating each scene was.
Saturday C & Max went to the art museum (free 1st sat of every month, score!) and I....what did I do? I painted my nails, took a nap....drank some wine, talked to Kristen on the phone and watched a Tupac movie I'd never seen or heard of. The boys came home and C had yet more work to do and trips to make and next thing I knew, M & H were at my door banging on it like the damn police. Normally I might mention to someone that banging on the door in such a manner is a little irritating, but it's M and he's pretty much harmless and has good intentions...so I didn't curse him for startling me. This time. Next time I might answer the door with a bucket of ice water. We'll see, guess that's his gamble:)
M & H had a party to attend and hung out for only a bit before speeding off to the next destination. They are cute, like all couples trying to work through what works for them, what their boundaries are...not to mention finding out who they are in the process. Being young and in love isn't always easy, some times sacrifices are nessisary and real life stuff eventually pops up that must be dealt with...but the whole process can teach us so much about who we are, what we want, what we don't want and being selfless.
Sunday went shopping to get Mj all set up for soccer (starts tonight, how exciting!) and did some laundry, resting...so on. C worked on school projects well into the night. Another weekend flew, but it was a fun weekend for me. The last before our weekends are loaded with soccer games and outdoor activities. SPRING is almost here - that's right! I'm sort of ready for clearing of the air, out with that stale winter stuff and in with the new summery smelling, fresh stuff!
Happy Monday All...may the wheels on your bus bring you to a place of peace.
Friday, March 02, 2007
- Content Sigh -
My Aunty came last night and is now on her way to her retreat in Red Feathers. She will have a grand time I am sure. I feel very happy and warm today. We spent the afternoon catching up, checking out the house, looking at pictures and having a meal out. I don't feel sad seeing her go today because I know I'll see her again very soon. She is wonderful spirit, she makes me feel calm and balanced. She is honest and genuine. She is someone I relate to and feel comfortable with. She held me as a baby, she knew my father, she knew my mother, she's the baby of my beloved GramE and Grandpa John. But besides all that, she's my Aunty and I love her and she makes me happy. That's a good way to be:)
Love you Aunty, enjoy yourself!
Love you Aunty, enjoy yourself!
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