License To Pill
http://www.cafeoflifepikespeak.com/Videos/Licensed%20To%20Pill.swf
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Random, But Not Aimless, Thoughts From The Igloo
Cheney is the 'Vice Decider' He is the Vice President and we are not.
http://digg.com/political_opinion/Cheney_I_m_the_Vice_President_and_they_re_not
Well, sadly yes. But, this sounds like something I would've said in kindergarten. "Well I'm Tracy's best friend and YOUR not! NEENER NEENER BOO BOO!" Sigh. It's a good thing I don't actually subject myself to him visually or even allow myself to listen to his voice, otherwise....I'd probably implode. Chance says he is of the Lizard People, it's certainly possible he is right.
Today I am Moon. Jan 31 2007.
It's almost the full moon, tomorrow she will be 100% full in all her lovely glory. Should the snow decide to part ways long enough for me to gaze upon her beauty, I will be happy and if not, I will eagerly await until next month. Along with C, I am hoping to learn how to adequately photograph in the night. Specifically because I wish to collect images of The Moon in all the ways in which it moves me.
Pronia
Felt ready last night to engage in the book my Aunty MB sent during the Holidays, it's been whispering to me for some time. I generally have sense about books, I believe my initial sense about this one was true...though I imagine I've only just begun in it's delights. So far, it is quite inspiring not to mention a lot of fun to read.
Mj
Last night I talked primarily about Mj with G. It finally dawned on me that my little Monkey Boy is in almost total denial about the real things in life that can be scary or difficult to deal with. He's all about the positive and enjoyable things. But, otherwise....he simply denies the existence of things that upset him. This ranges from issues relating to his father, my own faults (apparently he protects me to the ends of the Earth), that war is real, that he has to deal with bullies at school (like all kids) and that he is actually failing some classes. I think he feels like admitting these things will some how make it more real and thus, he'll have to deal with it. I guess that's the standard definition of 'denial' correct? I guess we can add this to the list of things to work on. For he and I both I suppose.
Work
I should be getting back..I am in demand. Generally, between work and Mj and my house...I am always In Demand. Job security eh?
Peace
S
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
A quick hellor from The Mango Tigger
My Birthday was great. Thanks to you all for your cards, phone calls, emails and gifts. My Aunty MB sent me this AWESOME necklace from India, I love it! It feels foreign and authentic and lovely, I will post pictures of me w/ it on soon. My lunch didn't quite work out as planned by Miss Sassy Sandypants slapped me around a little and told me to get over it and to come out and meet her for lunch. So I did, and that was good. It was nice to see her, I miss having girlfriends. I used to be surrounded by them and now, they are few and far between....except I have a ton of lovely ladies in my life, but they are like sisters, mothers and aunties more than just 'friends'...so anyway, you know what I'm getting at. Fun was had by all Saturday and it wasn't even that painful the next day, but I am DEFINITELY ready to get back on the detox wagon. I like feeling healthy. It's way better than not...so onward ho...Detox And Sarah once again meet. I have some tea's and tinctures and other magical things to help move things along. It's a good start.
Max is happy as a clam (girls, I'm sure of it) and is more anxious than usual to cooperate. It's either girls or he wants something and hasn't said so yet, time will tell.
Chance and I haven't seen each other in a few days it seems, when he is in school he is off on his own planet. That's ok, I enjoy it when he comes home to Mango now and then. His pics are turning out awesome! Will post more to Snapfish when I have permission from the Grand Pumba himself.
I should run, just writing when I can....btw: I've now dropped 10 LBS! SCORE! I hope this keeps up, at sometime the weight loss will plateau and I'll have to get serious about exercising to make mah bod shockingly hot....but, I'll cross that when I get there;)
Peace all.
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
I Will Have Patience
I will have patience
I will have patience
I will have patience
I will have patience
I will have patience
I will have patience
I will have patience
I will have patience
I will have patience
I will have patience
I will have patience
I will have patience
I will have patience
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
Aw hell, it's almost my Birthday...I can start talking about it
Extremely unmotivated and unfocused at work today, I feel excited about something but I'm not sure what it is exactly. It could be anxiousness too, sometimes those two things mix and mingle within me.
It might be my Birthday. I can't help it, I like my Birthday. I like Birthdays in general. I like to celebrate another year of blessed life, certainly just breathing another 365 days is worthy of spending one (or 3) days celebrating? (Note to self: Goal for 2007 - enjoy breathing EVERY day)
31 this year. Does this mean that I'm kind of big girl now? From the outside, it probably does. I've got a good start on the middle aged gut and I seem to have to use ALOT more moisturizer these days on the eye crinkles. But that's not what I meant. I mean any Joe of the street would look at my life and say, "Damn, you've done pretty well for yourself" at least from an external glance. I've got the kid, the man, the job, the house, I've definitely got the atypical life of someone you might consider a 'adult.' Additionally, there are some marked shifts in my mental, emotional and spiritual perspectives that I am learning can only come from experience. Whether it takes 20, 30, 50 years to figure it all out is another matter all together, depending on the life form. This particular life form has made some progress, a step or two back, but generally moving forward. Making progress. Doing big girl things and pretty happy about it all over all.
It's a little sad though that I am haunted by a much smaller girl. I don't find myself longing to be a child again in any way, but I've recently been revisiting some of the area's in which I act out and where that stems from. Not surprisingly to probably everyone in the room, except me for some unknown reason (probably denial) I've come to what I believe to be the fundamental root of this sort of irritating thorny bush that lashes out from time to time. It's really simple and painfully obvious, are you ready?
I was dealt a rather full of hand of responsibility at a pretty young age. And I think that I have this desire to have NO responsibility once in a while, because I'm not sure I remember a time in life where I was not responsible for something pretty major. Plus I don't always know how to cope. Cope with what was and what is. I've just dealt with it. I just 'deal.' I've always just handled it. Because this is the way that it is, crying about it doesn't change it right? Well sure, this is just the way it is. Deal with it! But guess what? Denial doesn't stop it from worming out at the most inconvenient moments.
I know, your all probably thinking, "Well duh Sarah" because a lot of people can put two and two together and see that 16 year old + baby = handful for almost anyone. I've come to realize it goes much farther than all of that. I could never have taken care of Max on my own, away from home, with all sorts of mad dysfunction occurring around me if I wasn't already some how prepared for maximum responsibility with minimum skills. Obviously, there was some experience with this prior to Max coming into the picture. Lucky for him, you add a little common sense and probably some instinct too and he's faired out of it pretty well so far.
So now that I've uncovered this shocking layer of information about myself (har har) there is the cold hard fact that whatever this part of me is that acts out like a little child, a child that practically forces her environment to allow her to be spoiled and selfish and irresponsible, must be dealt with. Spoiling a child does nothing to help her grow, nurturing her on the other hand, is self explanatory.
In the spirit of being a big girl and doing big girl things, I guess it's time for me to deal with that little girl that's crying out in a big way for some attention? It all sounds new age doesn't it? Loving your inner child? Maybe so, but a transition that has occurred within me this past year has a lot to do with me getting real about reality and this is part of mine. It may sound like whining to alot of people, I guess I don't need to explain to them that I've been pretty tough for a pretty long time. It's ok for me to delve into surgery now instead of just slapping a band aid on it. Freeing myself of all that baggage is a good start.
See what I learned this year? I guess I am growing up to be a big girl, huh? See I'm so good. (everyon clap and cheer now)
Oh yeah, I also learned this past year that life is moving swiftly by whether I want it or not and having everything you want in the world doesn't mean jack shit unless you are happy with yourself. It's what you make of it?!
Man, simple truths go a long way eh?
peace all.
It might be my Birthday. I can't help it, I like my Birthday. I like Birthdays in general. I like to celebrate another year of blessed life, certainly just breathing another 365 days is worthy of spending one (or 3) days celebrating? (Note to self: Goal for 2007 - enjoy breathing EVERY day)
31 this year. Does this mean that I'm kind of big girl now? From the outside, it probably does. I've got a good start on the middle aged gut and I seem to have to use ALOT more moisturizer these days on the eye crinkles. But that's not what I meant. I mean any Joe of the street would look at my life and say, "Damn, you've done pretty well for yourself" at least from an external glance. I've got the kid, the man, the job, the house, I've definitely got the atypical life of someone you might consider a 'adult.' Additionally, there are some marked shifts in my mental, emotional and spiritual perspectives that I am learning can only come from experience. Whether it takes 20, 30, 50 years to figure it all out is another matter all together, depending on the life form. This particular life form has made some progress, a step or two back, but generally moving forward. Making progress. Doing big girl things and pretty happy about it all over all.
It's a little sad though that I am haunted by a much smaller girl. I don't find myself longing to be a child again in any way, but I've recently been revisiting some of the area's in which I act out and where that stems from. Not surprisingly to probably everyone in the room, except me for some unknown reason (probably denial) I've come to what I believe to be the fundamental root of this sort of irritating thorny bush that lashes out from time to time. It's really simple and painfully obvious, are you ready?
I was dealt a rather full of hand of responsibility at a pretty young age. And I think that I have this desire to have NO responsibility once in a while, because I'm not sure I remember a time in life where I was not responsible for something pretty major. Plus I don't always know how to cope. Cope with what was and what is. I've just dealt with it. I just 'deal.' I've always just handled it. Because this is the way that it is, crying about it doesn't change it right? Well sure, this is just the way it is. Deal with it! But guess what? Denial doesn't stop it from worming out at the most inconvenient moments.
I know, your all probably thinking, "Well duh Sarah" because a lot of people can put two and two together and see that 16 year old + baby = handful for almost anyone. I've come to realize it goes much farther than all of that. I could never have taken care of Max on my own, away from home, with all sorts of mad dysfunction occurring around me if I wasn't already some how prepared for maximum responsibility with minimum skills. Obviously, there was some experience with this prior to Max coming into the picture. Lucky for him, you add a little common sense and probably some instinct too and he's faired out of it pretty well so far.
So now that I've uncovered this shocking layer of information about myself (har har) there is the cold hard fact that whatever this part of me is that acts out like a little child, a child that practically forces her environment to allow her to be spoiled and selfish and irresponsible, must be dealt with. Spoiling a child does nothing to help her grow, nurturing her on the other hand, is self explanatory.
In the spirit of being a big girl and doing big girl things, I guess it's time for me to deal with that little girl that's crying out in a big way for some attention? It all sounds new age doesn't it? Loving your inner child? Maybe so, but a transition that has occurred within me this past year has a lot to do with me getting real about reality and this is part of mine. It may sound like whining to alot of people, I guess I don't need to explain to them that I've been pretty tough for a pretty long time. It's ok for me to delve into surgery now instead of just slapping a band aid on it. Freeing myself of all that baggage is a good start.
See what I learned this year? I guess I am growing up to be a big girl, huh? See I'm so good. (everyon clap and cheer now)
Oh yeah, I also learned this past year that life is moving swiftly by whether I want it or not and having everything you want in the world doesn't mean jack shit unless you are happy with yourself. It's what you make of it?!
Man, simple truths go a long way eh?
peace all.
Monday, January 22, 2007
Yeaaaaaaaah BUDDY
Worked out 30 mins on the Eliptical (thanks Gayle) and did some sit ups. Feel good, feel real good. Now, let us all bow our heads (YEAH MANGO, DUH!) and rejoice in the very natural and easily acheived high that follows a good heart beating, neck sweating, legs burning, ab crunching work out. YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH BUDDY!
Oh yeah and I got some pics of C's new class work on Snap Fish as promised.
Check them out here...
Oh yeah and I got some pics of C's new class work on Snap Fish as promised.
Check them out here...
Monday Creeps
There is a song by Massive Attack entitled "Inertia Creeps." The mood of that song is my general mood today, sort of funky and bluesy but not sad or down - just sort of in between it all.
This weekend I spent too much time on the couch, in which Max promptly called me out on that. I told him he might understand more when he's grown and has a job, family and house of his own. That mostly just made him mad, like I'd some how disrespected him by pointing out the facts. I had a rough week last week, I didn't feel the need to explain that to him or anyone else. Sometimes, I just want to lay on the couch, watch chick movies and take naps. What's the big deal?
Chance worked on his first photographic project all weekend and his pictures turned out amazing. I'll post them on the SnapFish account for your viewing pleasure. We did a lot of brainstorming and he seemed to go out of his way to include me. He was also being extra attentive, sweet, courteous and gentle this past weekend. Perhaps we made an unspoken pact to just be a whole lot nicer to each other and see how that works out? In reflection, I am laughing at this because it seems quite simple but sometimes, it is not just that simple. Chance is a good egg, and I am a good Mango...no one ever said this would be easy right? Someone told me recently it was harder sometimes to stay together than walk away...I think she's right. Not in terms of commitments, but in terms of living life day to day...dealing with it all, allowing yourself to be happy and fulfilled by it all.
Kasha has fully acclimated to her new surroundings and has no qualms about making it perfectly clear that this is her house and she should be the one in control at all times. Her love for Chance is only exceeded by her instinctual need to try and eat the hamster if given an opportunity to get within a foot of it. Anyone want a hamster? I feel bad for him, I am rather fond of him but we simply cannot have him in the same room with her or her tunnel vision kicks in. Note to self: Next time you bring an animal home, think of what it's instincts truly are. Jack Russel Terriers are bred to hunt small rodents. Mr. Wiggles is a small rodent. Obviously I've erred on this one. Ah well, Mr. Wiggles is generally happy just running on his wheel and stuffing his cheeks full of whatever is available. Not a very complicated life.
I am happy to report that since Jan 2 2007 I've lost 5 lbs total. This may not seem like very much, but it's a big deal to me. The reason for this is because I don't feel like I am on a diet and THAT is a fantastic thing to me. Granted, I must carefully read and reread every ingredient of almost everything I put into my mouth, much like many of the past diets I've attempted. Luckily, this feels more like a lifestyle change and THAT in and of itself is the best part of all of it. Not a diet, I am basically having to learn how to eat again. Being a vegetarian off and on most of my life gives me an edge here so I am grateful for that, but it's still a huge step. I feel so much better, attitude and energy increase every single day. Next is getting my 30 - 60 mins a day of exercise, that has been a bit of a challenge. Not sure why, probably b/c I've gotten lazy and love to claim "I don't have the time" even though I really need to figure out a way to "have the time" or else I'll keep shaving years off of my life. Which is totally not in accord with what I am hoping to achieve by changing my eating habits. All I can say is thank the good green Mother Earth for all the plentiful opportunities given to us to be healthy, let it shine unto me and let me be thankful in my acceptance.
Birthdays coming up. Matty and I. Happy Birthday Bratty Matty! I am having a get together lunch with a few family and friends at PFChangs (Yum!) and later that evening Matt, Helen, Chance and myself will probably hit a local bar for a night out. I'm not quite sure where yet, my problem is that loud, obnoxious and pretentious club environments are no longer interesting to me. It's all so fake...not to mention overpriced. So, we'll see...but a night out is long over due for this Mango...it's been MONTHS!
I should be wrapping up, I have a rather busy week ahead of me at work (and at home) if I wish to spend my Birthday weekend doing as I please. I know it's selfish, but hey....I'm learning that 'selfish' is not the same as 'doing things for myself'
peace
This weekend I spent too much time on the couch, in which Max promptly called me out on that. I told him he might understand more when he's grown and has a job, family and house of his own. That mostly just made him mad, like I'd some how disrespected him by pointing out the facts. I had a rough week last week, I didn't feel the need to explain that to him or anyone else. Sometimes, I just want to lay on the couch, watch chick movies and take naps. What's the big deal?
Chance worked on his first photographic project all weekend and his pictures turned out amazing. I'll post them on the SnapFish account for your viewing pleasure. We did a lot of brainstorming and he seemed to go out of his way to include me. He was also being extra attentive, sweet, courteous and gentle this past weekend. Perhaps we made an unspoken pact to just be a whole lot nicer to each other and see how that works out? In reflection, I am laughing at this because it seems quite simple but sometimes, it is not just that simple. Chance is a good egg, and I am a good Mango...no one ever said this would be easy right? Someone told me recently it was harder sometimes to stay together than walk away...I think she's right. Not in terms of commitments, but in terms of living life day to day...dealing with it all, allowing yourself to be happy and fulfilled by it all.
Kasha has fully acclimated to her new surroundings and has no qualms about making it perfectly clear that this is her house and she should be the one in control at all times. Her love for Chance is only exceeded by her instinctual need to try and eat the hamster if given an opportunity to get within a foot of it. Anyone want a hamster? I feel bad for him, I am rather fond of him but we simply cannot have him in the same room with her or her tunnel vision kicks in. Note to self: Next time you bring an animal home, think of what it's instincts truly are. Jack Russel Terriers are bred to hunt small rodents. Mr. Wiggles is a small rodent. Obviously I've erred on this one. Ah well, Mr. Wiggles is generally happy just running on his wheel and stuffing his cheeks full of whatever is available. Not a very complicated life.
I am happy to report that since Jan 2 2007 I've lost 5 lbs total. This may not seem like very much, but it's a big deal to me. The reason for this is because I don't feel like I am on a diet and THAT is a fantastic thing to me. Granted, I must carefully read and reread every ingredient of almost everything I put into my mouth, much like many of the past diets I've attempted. Luckily, this feels more like a lifestyle change and THAT in and of itself is the best part of all of it. Not a diet, I am basically having to learn how to eat again. Being a vegetarian off and on most of my life gives me an edge here so I am grateful for that, but it's still a huge step. I feel so much better, attitude and energy increase every single day. Next is getting my 30 - 60 mins a day of exercise, that has been a bit of a challenge. Not sure why, probably b/c I've gotten lazy and love to claim "I don't have the time" even though I really need to figure out a way to "have the time" or else I'll keep shaving years off of my life. Which is totally not in accord with what I am hoping to achieve by changing my eating habits. All I can say is thank the good green Mother Earth for all the plentiful opportunities given to us to be healthy, let it shine unto me and let me be thankful in my acceptance.
Birthdays coming up. Matty and I. Happy Birthday Bratty Matty! I am having a get together lunch with a few family and friends at PFChangs (Yum!) and later that evening Matt, Helen, Chance and myself will probably hit a local bar for a night out. I'm not quite sure where yet, my problem is that loud, obnoxious and pretentious club environments are no longer interesting to me. It's all so fake...not to mention overpriced. So, we'll see...but a night out is long over due for this Mango...it's been MONTHS!
I should be wrapping up, I have a rather busy week ahead of me at work (and at home) if I wish to spend my Birthday weekend doing as I please. I know it's selfish, but hey....I'm learning that 'selfish' is not the same as 'doing things for myself'
peace
Friday, January 19, 2007
Life Satisfaction - The Questionable Question
Let's discuss general life satisfaction.
What defines the level in which you feel satisfied with your life? Is it success? What does success mean to you? Is it based on your relationships? Love? Body image? Internal self? Intelligence?
What and/or who impacts your over all level of satisfication with your current state? When you reach it, how do you know it?
What defines the level in which you feel satisfied with your life? Is it success? What does success mean to you? Is it based on your relationships? Love? Body image? Internal self? Intelligence?
What and/or who impacts your over all level of satisfication with your current state? When you reach it, how do you know it?
Thursday, January 18, 2007
Torture For Fun?
Max and I have dentist appointments in early February. I despise the Dentist. I despise it even more than getting a pap smear. I mean, I really dislike the process.
The sounds, the scratching and tugging and pulling. And wouldn't you just know it....I have the biggest mouth in the world, but because my jaw line is so strong and defined there isn't a whole lot of room in their for hands, thus my jaws generally ache after an exam.
Ever heard of scaling? Google "Scaling Procedures" I like how the descriptions are so perky sounding, like folks are just lining up to get their gums peeled. I have to get my teeth scaled once a year. Something about calculus build up or some such dental term that escapes me. It's totally horrendous. I have to bring music, they tried to give me nitrous last time (to make it less painful) and it made me very ill. I had to put it off another week, which means more waiting and more anxiety. I cannot eat for at least 3 days afterward and my mouth aches, like someone ripped barb wire through it. Anything cold or warm to drink, hurts. So kids, take care of your gums or else you'll end up in the hot seat on this one.
I won't lie and pretend I floss alot, because I'm pretty bad about it...I just don't like hands in my mouth. But I do brush and rinse alot, so my teeth are in good shape over all. Except the calculus build up. That part is a drag.
And poor Max, he inherited his fathers teeth which are truly terrible. I feel bad for him only b/c I imagine my dentistry nightmares will pale in comparison to his. Poor kid:( Good thing he's not a big baby like me, I can handle almost any kind of pain...but this for me is almost unbearable. Oh yes and I'm taking up a collection fund for Max's braces. Wanna know how much they cost these days? HA...and he thinks he's getting a car......shhyyeeeeeeeeah....and monkeys will fly out of my butt!
Apparently, there IS profit in needless torture.
I know I shouldn't be complaining, I mean the world is filled with people who cannot afford or do not have access to any kind of dental care. That's terrible, everyone has the right quality health care of every kind. I'll try to think of this when my nerves are exposed and I can't move and their is a stranger leaning over me and breathing all over me. blech.
The sounds, the scratching and tugging and pulling. And wouldn't you just know it....I have the biggest mouth in the world, but because my jaw line is so strong and defined there isn't a whole lot of room in their for hands, thus my jaws generally ache after an exam.
Ever heard of scaling? Google "Scaling Procedures" I like how the descriptions are so perky sounding, like folks are just lining up to get their gums peeled. I have to get my teeth scaled once a year. Something about calculus build up or some such dental term that escapes me. It's totally horrendous. I have to bring music, they tried to give me nitrous last time (to make it less painful) and it made me very ill. I had to put it off another week, which means more waiting and more anxiety. I cannot eat for at least 3 days afterward and my mouth aches, like someone ripped barb wire through it. Anything cold or warm to drink, hurts. So kids, take care of your gums or else you'll end up in the hot seat on this one.
I won't lie and pretend I floss alot, because I'm pretty bad about it...I just don't like hands in my mouth. But I do brush and rinse alot, so my teeth are in good shape over all. Except the calculus build up. That part is a drag.
And poor Max, he inherited his fathers teeth which are truly terrible. I feel bad for him only b/c I imagine my dentistry nightmares will pale in comparison to his. Poor kid:( Good thing he's not a big baby like me, I can handle almost any kind of pain...but this for me is almost unbearable. Oh yes and I'm taking up a collection fund for Max's braces. Wanna know how much they cost these days? HA...and he thinks he's getting a car......shhyyeeeeeeeeah....and monkeys will fly out of my butt!
Apparently, there IS profit in needless torture.
I know I shouldn't be complaining, I mean the world is filled with people who cannot afford or do not have access to any kind of dental care. That's terrible, everyone has the right quality health care of every kind. I'll try to think of this when my nerves are exposed and I can't move and their is a stranger leaning over me and breathing all over me. blech.
01/18/2007
It is obscenely cold in my office this morning, I'm sitting here munching grapes and pineapple and trying to get moving for the day. Got to the office at 6 am today. It's pitch black out, but quite on the roads and I enjoy the lull in traffic on my drive in. Not sleeping so great these days, stress, lack of exercise...I'm sure it's all related. I am eating incredibly good for me though and that feels fantastic, I'm sure that has something to do with my energy level which has been higher in these past few weeks than it has in the past few months. Thinking of doing some fasting, not sure if I am ready for that just yet. I get a very strange sort of energy when I don't eat, like my body and mind will race and then I'll just collapse but cannot sleep. It's not always very pleasant, but I do see the detoxifying purposes and that, more than anything is why I'd like to research it further.
I just noticed that the calendar says January 18th 2007. I'm not quite ready for it to be the middle of January already, I'm still stuck somewhere in November 2006. It's been a pretty bizarre few months with the Holidays, Snow and various levels of healthy issues (for friends and myself.) I'm ready to get back in the groove, to get normalized....I like consistency. Chance says I don't adapt well to change and this is a major pitfall between us, he's probably right on that. In the past, the changes in my life have been sudden, severe and usually totally out of my control. Change have often represented some sort of trauma. Moving to Colorado from Wisconsin, moving from Colorado to California, moving back to Colorado....travel of some sort when I was younger was always associated with some awful event. Court dates, my Uncle was sick at one point and it was thought he would pass, running away from home to escape, running back home to escape (see how that works?) etc...etc...I always enjoyed my trips to see my GramE and Grandpa John though, I looked forward to that travel. It was always fun. But otherwise, big changes = one very frightened and timid little Mango. I don't like that. It makes me far to vulnerable. Not to mention out of control. Two very uncomfortable places for me.
Sometimes I feel pretty screwed up. The entrails of my psychological problems seem endless. Maybe, my view of myself and this life are far too serious for any level of peace. Or maybe I just don't know how to live without drama. Chance would say its feeling sorry for myself, I guess that's possible though if I sat around feeling sorry for myself I certainly wouldn't be in the position I am in life, but I digress.
Someone very wise recently said to me "Sure, my life has been screwed up. Awful things have been done to me and I've made some mistakes along the way. But it doesn't give me an excuse to live like some crazy person. To live in a state of depression, or become an alcoholic or abuse my children. I have to live each day like I'm NOT really screwed up, like I am totally stable and that this life really IS good." Or something like that anyway...very powerful words. Fake it till you make it or something right? This wise person by the way, is a very no nonsense type of person. I respond to that quite well, I appreciate directness. I appreciate truthiness.
Brrr. A little heat would be nice, jeez people. I think my office is menopausal. Hot, cold, hot, cold. Sip warm Chai, makes all the difference. Tea and I are friends this winter, I drink massive quantities of tea in various forms. Chai, black, white, green, pear...what a marvelous invention....bless the ancient elders for figuring it out for us!
Max is in a particularly charming and divine mood lately. His eyes actually do this twinkly thing when he's in this mood, it's very interesting. His eyes are so blue and with that sparkly thing going on, they are quite captivating. It's so true isn't it, the eyes and what they can tell you about a person. I think there may be a girl involved. Max has recently discovered (or is in the process of doing so) that he is quite the handsome young man and that girls like him. He always complains about how most of his life being around primarily woman has been a nuisance. I suspect his mind will change on that on that as he matures. He has a unique level of understanding about the female nature, perhaps more than a lot of men. It will serve him well. That and his good looks probably won't hurt.
Chance is back in school and it's exciting to see him doing lab work. He's taking pictures now pretty actively, he's gotten some lovely shots these past few weeks. Some are really breathtaking. He is going snowshoeing with the infamous Andy this weekend, I know they'll have a great time and he'll get some great shots. All this snow does make for some gorgeous scenery in Colorado. Except all the nasty black and charcoal looking stuff on the side of the streets, that part is a little gross.
Off to work for me. This weeks seems to be dragging for an eternity, 4 weeks straight of 3 and 4 day weekends has taken it's toll on my schedule. Ah well, one 2 more days and then the weekend. We are going bowling with Max and the neighbor kid tomorrow night, they are excited. I'm sure there will be girls there too. I think I'll kick everyone's butt in bowling, I'm not going soft on them this time.
Laters gators, love you all.
S
I just noticed that the calendar says January 18th 2007. I'm not quite ready for it to be the middle of January already, I'm still stuck somewhere in November 2006. It's been a pretty bizarre few months with the Holidays, Snow and various levels of healthy issues (for friends and myself.) I'm ready to get back in the groove, to get normalized....I like consistency. Chance says I don't adapt well to change and this is a major pitfall between us, he's probably right on that. In the past, the changes in my life have been sudden, severe and usually totally out of my control. Change have often represented some sort of trauma. Moving to Colorado from Wisconsin, moving from Colorado to California, moving back to Colorado....travel of some sort when I was younger was always associated with some awful event. Court dates, my Uncle was sick at one point and it was thought he would pass, running away from home to escape, running back home to escape (see how that works?) etc...etc...I always enjoyed my trips to see my GramE and Grandpa John though, I looked forward to that travel. It was always fun. But otherwise, big changes = one very frightened and timid little Mango. I don't like that. It makes me far to vulnerable. Not to mention out of control. Two very uncomfortable places for me.
Sometimes I feel pretty screwed up. The entrails of my psychological problems seem endless. Maybe, my view of myself and this life are far too serious for any level of peace. Or maybe I just don't know how to live without drama. Chance would say its feeling sorry for myself, I guess that's possible though if I sat around feeling sorry for myself I certainly wouldn't be in the position I am in life, but I digress.
Someone very wise recently said to me "Sure, my life has been screwed up. Awful things have been done to me and I've made some mistakes along the way. But it doesn't give me an excuse to live like some crazy person. To live in a state of depression, or become an alcoholic or abuse my children. I have to live each day like I'm NOT really screwed up, like I am totally stable and that this life really IS good." Or something like that anyway...very powerful words. Fake it till you make it or something right? This wise person by the way, is a very no nonsense type of person. I respond to that quite well, I appreciate directness. I appreciate truthiness.
Brrr. A little heat would be nice, jeez people. I think my office is menopausal. Hot, cold, hot, cold. Sip warm Chai, makes all the difference. Tea and I are friends this winter, I drink massive quantities of tea in various forms. Chai, black, white, green, pear...what a marvelous invention....bless the ancient elders for figuring it out for us!
Max is in a particularly charming and divine mood lately. His eyes actually do this twinkly thing when he's in this mood, it's very interesting. His eyes are so blue and with that sparkly thing going on, they are quite captivating. It's so true isn't it, the eyes and what they can tell you about a person. I think there may be a girl involved. Max has recently discovered (or is in the process of doing so) that he is quite the handsome young man and that girls like him. He always complains about how most of his life being around primarily woman has been a nuisance. I suspect his mind will change on that on that as he matures. He has a unique level of understanding about the female nature, perhaps more than a lot of men. It will serve him well. That and his good looks probably won't hurt.
Chance is back in school and it's exciting to see him doing lab work. He's taking pictures now pretty actively, he's gotten some lovely shots these past few weeks. Some are really breathtaking. He is going snowshoeing with the infamous Andy this weekend, I know they'll have a great time and he'll get some great shots. All this snow does make for some gorgeous scenery in Colorado. Except all the nasty black and charcoal looking stuff on the side of the streets, that part is a little gross.
Off to work for me. This weeks seems to be dragging for an eternity, 4 weeks straight of 3 and 4 day weekends has taken it's toll on my schedule. Ah well, one 2 more days and then the weekend. We are going bowling with Max and the neighbor kid tomorrow night, they are excited. I'm sure there will be girls there too. I think I'll kick everyone's butt in bowling, I'm not going soft on them this time.
Laters gators, love you all.
S
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
Casualties
The fact that the American media is beginning to report Iraqi causalities is pretty shocking, it was on the front Google New page today for the first time since I've been reading those headlines.
http://www.bloomberg.com/apps/news?pid=20601100&sid=anMFwx_d4jwA&refer=germany
Though the #'s reported by American media differ greatly from other sources such as www.IraqBodyCount.org, to me it's still a huge leap in terms of information. It's about flipping time that the American public have some sense of the # of Iraqi deaths compared to American casualties. Our children aren't the only ones dying. I don't think we can even fathom the depths of the violence.
Another rather interesting turn in the American Media machine is Keith Olbermen's rise on the typically right leaning MSNBC cable new station. Sure, his show still reports on Brittany Spears and her new canine or how Angelina Jolie thinks Madonna's adoption is 'risky' (sigh) but that crap still serves as news to the average viewer. Generally those stories have an openly mocking tone and I guess it serves it's purpose, reporting on some bubble head and her Chihuahua compared to the lies spilling forth from Tony Snow's mouth provides a glimpse of the stark contrast in information (and priority) in our media culture today.
My highest hope for openly critical thought of our culture and government on the television we pay insidious amounts of money to watch is Stephen Colbert's secret weapon. Factiness.
http://www.bloomberg.com/apps/news?pid=20601100&sid=anMFwx_d4jwA&refer=germany
Though the #'s reported by American media differ greatly from other sources such as www.IraqBodyCount.org, to me it's still a huge leap in terms of information. It's about flipping time that the American public have some sense of the # of Iraqi deaths compared to American casualties. Our children aren't the only ones dying. I don't think we can even fathom the depths of the violence.
Another rather interesting turn in the American Media machine is Keith Olbermen's rise on the typically right leaning MSNBC cable new station. Sure, his show still reports on Brittany Spears and her new canine or how Angelina Jolie thinks Madonna's adoption is 'risky' (sigh) but that crap still serves as news to the average viewer. Generally those stories have an openly mocking tone and I guess it serves it's purpose, reporting on some bubble head and her Chihuahua compared to the lies spilling forth from Tony Snow's mouth provides a glimpse of the stark contrast in information (and priority) in our media culture today.
My highest hope for openly critical thought of our culture and government on the television we pay insidious amounts of money to watch is Stephen Colbert's secret weapon. Factiness.
Monday, January 15, 2007
Fake It Till You Make It
I'd be lying if I said I were feeling positive today, but two phrases come to mind.....
"Just keep swimming." (Dory, Finding Nemo)
"Fake it till you make it." (Who knows who was the first to birth this little beauty, but it's been used in many a support group for eons now...simple, yet effective)
I cannot help it that I am frustrated with C today. Sometimes I feel I am not allowed to have less than loving feelings toward him because, you know...he IS a great guy (which he would quickly remind you if you were to challenge him otherwise) and I do love him from the depths of my very being. However, lately he's been really dropping the ball in some area's and it is difficult for me to NOT point this out as I (unfortunately for him) am quick to call bullshit when I see it. And I'm not particularly tolerant of said bullshit. This is not to say that I am a perfect peach to be in a relationship with. The fact is that I am pretty neurotic. I have moments of absolute insecurity, child like vulnerability and stubborn obstinance. Oh and I'm terribly impatient, especially with him. Why? Well...because I can be I suppose. Unfair? Well sure, but life is a bitch some times you know. Get over it. We all tolerate a certain amount unsavory behaviors from one another, it is the way relationships work. You got my back, I've got yours in spite of our flaws. But this does not negate the fact that Mr. Man is so on my list at the moment and let me assure you, it is not due to some trivial argument or because I am prone to hormonal tirades. Nope, it really is that I am that pissed at him and I'm allowed to be. Surely, I will get a tongue lashing for publicly blasting him on my blogg...but you see, this is MY blogg and it is my medium for journaling and discussing current issues. I don't have to apologize, nor do I need to explain myself to him or anyone else. I am not making things up here, I am not exaggerating....I can't help the way I feel, and I can't help that I have to get it out because I feel incredibly alone when I cannot put out to the Universe how I am feeling about someone or a situation. I don't need to go into details, but one thing I know for certain is that at some point the fact that you love someone no longer becomes the question, it's the behavior that becomes questionable and at what point do you stand up and say "Um, excuse me...but we have a problem here." ????
Funny thing is, I feel great about myself at the moment...in spite of a few minor slips, I've been eating fantastically for 2 full weeks and physically I feel great. Things are organized at home, the basement is finally in good shape. I've gotten a ton of work done (in spite of creepy stomach critters trying to make my life hell last week) and I sort of feel like I'm getting on track with Max. Therapy is helping a ton with him, he doesn't always like me...but I do think he's 'getting it' that alot of his frustrations have alot more to do with his father and less to do with me. It is sometimes hard to tell how much of what is going on with him is because of his Dad and how much of it is normal teenage boy stuff, but either way...we've been talking alot about respect as of late and he's not sliding by with me on too much lately.
Aha moment: There's been some serious whip cracking going on my house lately, some area's in which I've brought to the surface the realities of some of our situations and trust me, I am bearing the brunt of all this reality. She who brings it, deals with it I suppose. That would explain the denial and blatant domineering arrogance that I find myself faced with as of late. From both of them.
What I am learning? That these two aren't always going to like me. I have to learn how to be ok with that. In fact I am often on the receiving end of a good portion of their ego trips and self-absorbed behaviors, which very frankly make me want to strangle them both. I do my best to be a nurturing mother and partner. But that doesn't mean I have to coddle or cater to these men or anyone else. And I will not. I cannot help it that I have a bullshit shield a mile thick. I can't help that I'll call someone out on it if need be. I can't help that I am not subserviant and I don't always just deal with it for the sake of making everyone elses life easier. And I also can't help if they dislike me for it or want to act out toward me for it, so be it. Even the kindness Momma Bears have to bust their cubs upside the head once and a while, figuratively speaking of course. Thwwwaaaaaap KNOCK IT OFF!
I guess I just wish it didn't always have to be me. Some times, it just wears me out. This Momma Bear would much rather be tip toeing gracefully through the woods (with newly manicured paws thank you) and writing down thoughtful things than thumping thick heads.
sigh.
"Just keep swimming." (Dory, Finding Nemo)
"Fake it till you make it." (Who knows who was the first to birth this little beauty, but it's been used in many a support group for eons now...simple, yet effective)
I cannot help it that I am frustrated with C today. Sometimes I feel I am not allowed to have less than loving feelings toward him because, you know...he IS a great guy (which he would quickly remind you if you were to challenge him otherwise) and I do love him from the depths of my very being. However, lately he's been really dropping the ball in some area's and it is difficult for me to NOT point this out as I (unfortunately for him) am quick to call bullshit when I see it. And I'm not particularly tolerant of said bullshit. This is not to say that I am a perfect peach to be in a relationship with. The fact is that I am pretty neurotic. I have moments of absolute insecurity, child like vulnerability and stubborn obstinance. Oh and I'm terribly impatient, especially with him. Why? Well...because I can be I suppose. Unfair? Well sure, but life is a bitch some times you know. Get over it. We all tolerate a certain amount unsavory behaviors from one another, it is the way relationships work. You got my back, I've got yours in spite of our flaws. But this does not negate the fact that Mr. Man is so on my list at the moment and let me assure you, it is not due to some trivial argument or because I am prone to hormonal tirades. Nope, it really is that I am that pissed at him and I'm allowed to be. Surely, I will get a tongue lashing for publicly blasting him on my blogg...but you see, this is MY blogg and it is my medium for journaling and discussing current issues. I don't have to apologize, nor do I need to explain myself to him or anyone else. I am not making things up here, I am not exaggerating....I can't help the way I feel, and I can't help that I have to get it out because I feel incredibly alone when I cannot put out to the Universe how I am feeling about someone or a situation. I don't need to go into details, but one thing I know for certain is that at some point the fact that you love someone no longer becomes the question, it's the behavior that becomes questionable and at what point do you stand up and say "Um, excuse me...but we have a problem here." ????
Funny thing is, I feel great about myself at the moment...in spite of a few minor slips, I've been eating fantastically for 2 full weeks and physically I feel great. Things are organized at home, the basement is finally in good shape. I've gotten a ton of work done (in spite of creepy stomach critters trying to make my life hell last week) and I sort of feel like I'm getting on track with Max. Therapy is helping a ton with him, he doesn't always like me...but I do think he's 'getting it' that alot of his frustrations have alot more to do with his father and less to do with me. It is sometimes hard to tell how much of what is going on with him is because of his Dad and how much of it is normal teenage boy stuff, but either way...we've been talking alot about respect as of late and he's not sliding by with me on too much lately.
Aha moment: There's been some serious whip cracking going on my house lately, some area's in which I've brought to the surface the realities of some of our situations and trust me, I am bearing the brunt of all this reality. She who brings it, deals with it I suppose. That would explain the denial and blatant domineering arrogance that I find myself faced with as of late. From both of them.
What I am learning? That these two aren't always going to like me. I have to learn how to be ok with that. In fact I am often on the receiving end of a good portion of their ego trips and self-absorbed behaviors, which very frankly make me want to strangle them both. I do my best to be a nurturing mother and partner. But that doesn't mean I have to coddle or cater to these men or anyone else. And I will not. I cannot help it that I have a bullshit shield a mile thick. I can't help that I'll call someone out on it if need be. I can't help that I am not subserviant and I don't always just deal with it for the sake of making everyone elses life easier. And I also can't help if they dislike me for it or want to act out toward me for it, so be it. Even the kindness Momma Bears have to bust their cubs upside the head once and a while, figuratively speaking of course. Thwwwaaaaaap KNOCK IT OFF!
I guess I just wish it didn't always have to be me. Some times, it just wears me out. This Momma Bear would much rather be tip toeing gracefully through the woods (with newly manicured paws thank you) and writing down thoughtful things than thumping thick heads.
sigh.
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
5 Favorite Things About A Vegan Lifestyle
1) My heart and spirit are not riddled with guilt and angst each time I eat, I am not supporting an industry that contributes to massive
2) Food tastes better to me than it has in years. I CRAVE veggies and whole grains, I LOVE the way it tastes, the textures and colors.
3) I feel better physically than I have in quite some time, less bloated and far less run down feeling over all.
4) Experimenting with foods and recipes is something I look forward to rather than dread, cutting up tofu doesn't involved tendons and skin. That's good for me.
5) I can eat peanut butter. I love peanut butter, it is one of my favoritist foods in the whole world and the idea that I can have my peanut butter and jelly more regularly makes me a very happy Mango.
YAY Peanut Butter!
2) Food tastes better to me than it has in years. I CRAVE veggies and whole grains, I LOVE the way it tastes, the textures and colors.
3) I feel better physically than I have in quite some time, less bloated and far less run down feeling over all.
4) Experimenting with foods and recipes is something I look forward to rather than dread, cutting up tofu doesn't involved tendons and skin. That's good for me.
5) I can eat peanut butter. I love peanut butter, it is one of my favoritist foods in the whole world and the idea that I can have my peanut butter and jelly more regularly makes me a very happy Mango.
YAY Peanut Butter!
Thursday, January 04, 2007
In This Lifetime List....
In the spirit of the laws of attraction and dreaming big...I've started a list. A list of things I'd like to see, do..be..in my lifetime.
I've started another blogg in honor of this effort as I believe it is an entirely unique process unto it's own entirely.
You can visit it here....
http://inthislifetimelist.blogspot.com/
Don't expect proper grammer, uniform sentences or even complete spelling. It's a list where I'll jot it down if I think of it and give it to the Universe to do as it will....
Afterthought: One should likely be careful what one wishes for?
peace.
I've started another blogg in honor of this effort as I believe it is an entirely unique process unto it's own entirely.
You can visit it here....
http://inthislifetimelist.blogspot.com/
Don't expect proper grammer, uniform sentences or even complete spelling. It's a list where I'll jot it down if I think of it and give it to the Universe to do as it will....
Afterthought: One should likely be careful what one wishes for?
peace.
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
Little Miss Sunshine
Will post more soon....have this outrageously long ode to the New Year drafted and it's just to long to really get into at the moment. But rest assured....life is good and all is well, we are just acclimating to work schedules and getting back on track after the weather and Holidays.
Will write more soon, love you all.
BTW: If you haven't seen "Little Miss Sunshine" I highly recommend it. She is now my hero.
Will write more soon, love you all.
BTW: If you haven't seen "Little Miss Sunshine" I highly recommend it. She is now my hero.
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