Guilt & Inadequacies...yup

I'm not sure I even know why
Why I've been given this gift
So much I cannot understand
Even more for which I do not feel deserving

Made mistakes and erred often
Taken when I should've given
Wronged when I should've righted
Cried when I should've laughed
Raged when I should've loved

I should be more.
A better mother, women, spirit, friend,
daughter, sister, grand-daughter, neice,
lover, partner, giver, receiver, activist,
optimist, realist, macro thinker,
micro thinker, child of peace, student of earth.

I should be more spiritual.
Gain more knowledge, consume less, more indepandant, less vulnerable.
Minimal emotion, more logic.
Pick a side of the fence instead of the forever gray area?
Care for my body, heart, mind, soul.
Embrace more magic and state of mind.

Not strong, smart, or honest enough.
More integrity, naive little child.
Drug addict, poverty stricken welfare recipeint.
Not pretty enough, thin enough, nurturing enough.
Lazy days and no energy.
Not living my passion in my job, in life education.
I'm not living up to my potential.

These voices argue with guilt and thoughts of inadequacies.
They tell me I've done wrong.
That I owe them, I've gone astray.
I should be more of this and less of that.
I am simply not enough.

I've forced some of this unto myself, it's true.
My own worst enemy. Harsher on my own heart than any other.
What a cliche. I know why I do it. Now tell me why you do it.
Even more, some outsiders have tried to force this unto me.
They see that I am, but an open book.
Where every symbol of my self-development and growth and identity,
Become topic for gossipy discussion and attempts at manipulation.
Comical that I now scoff at this sort of attempt and judgements.

Not because I am not open to growth or the wisdom of others or myself.
Not becuase I do not see the value of accepting all perspectives.
Allowing the patience, space, tolerance and love I wish for us all.
Not because I do not appreciate all that I have been given, in flesh and in vital force.
No, it is not because I am NOT open.

It is becuase, through experience I have come to find a place.
A place in which I've found self-worth.
Fine line between self-worth and ego. Careful now.
Bigger difference between self-worth and arrogance. Ugh, none of want to think we are arrogant?
Huge difference between self-worth and becoming condescending of others in that conciousness.
I pray the Universe gently whispers to me should I cross the line.

So easy to fall victim, to ourselves and society.
To succomb to guilt and inadequacies.
You should be more to me and I more to you.
And if you are not, I will guilt you into submission.
And if I am not enough for me, I will analyze until I am more.
More. More pain. Less forgiveness. More torture.

I'm not sure I even know why.
It is that I've found this blessed place.
Where, in spite of my human fault, I am perfect.
Perfect in every way, in where I should be.
Just as you are. Just as we all are.
At this very moment. In simplicity. In infinity.
Within omnipresence and magnanimous design.
Designed by a bigger "big" than us, you OR me.
And I know that we will love and be loved.
Why is this so hard to see?

Dire Reflections

What of that man on the street
Broken down as he deflects our frown
Hard miles under his feet
Ever the jester of this no name town
Hollowed darkness in his eyes
Wild and untamed
Glossed over with tears and lies
Benumbed and unclaimed

Casually glancing in his direction
An uncomfortable moment
Breeding forever the misconception
Our rejection so fluent
A small part of us hopes he will just go away
Our ignorance of this is pursuant
Casting off yet another unwanted stray
As we ignore him the filthy truant

Hardships of a stomachs growling
Remember the pain of too much hunger
Attacking winds harsh and howling
Mental state broken asunder
Memories of wounds that would not heal
Justify the need to plunder
Shame in forced hands that will surely steal
To stay sheltered and fed in the gutter down under

We ignore the disgrace he must suffer
As we harden our hearts to reality
Relieved for once a sociological buffer
As we perpetuate the unfeeling brutality
Not even a thought for the worry of his mother
Who was absent of her inherited morality
Or ever the ache within the heart of his brother
Ever revealing the sacred finality

Surely, he must hold some accountability
Recognizing his faults and past deviant dealings
Identifying the need for the illusion of stability
But it matters not when it comes to his feelings
To never know the comfort of love unconditional
And to pay too much a night for a room with a ceiling
For a solution we consider traditional

And some how still with the dollars upon dollars
That we pour unto the wars
Of egotistical martyrs
We find no solution to our uncaring plan
There are no obvious answers
For the quandaries of this man
That he may starve and die
In this system we apply
In the excessively diseased wealth of his very own land

None of us truly know how to respond
Some realize his existence and are compelled into action
But others just laugh and move right along
Some find comfort in complacency and give but a fraction
They blame his appearance and the broken down box near the wall
Where he suffers at night from apathetic inaction
Never thinking for once that he could very well be
In places too dark where frightened he crawls
With his unshaven face and his earned felony...

...The simple yet harsh reflection of us all

Going At It Again...

A little background....
I wrote this during a time of great suffering and equally great healing. I realize it is a bit harsh and probably doesn't make a whole lot of sense. I actually have a rought draft of it recorded somewhere, I worked on this song with a friend of mine for over a year, but it never quite got "there." Maybe it wasn't supposed to?

I lost my father when I was very young, he died 2 days after my 8th birthday and my mother told me about it the day after my birthday party. My step-mother (ugh) blamed my mother and me for his death, there was huge drama in the family over this as you can imagine. I was not allowed to attend his funeral. His passing was not spoken of often in my family, it is an element I feel overshadowed much of my young life. I felt guilted into silence and introversion regarding this topic.

I do not blame my mother, she had way too much to deal with as it was in regards to her relationship with him, not to mention trying to raise a pretty mixed up little girl on her own. Though I will not lie, I went through a period of enormous anger with her becuz of this very issue. But with time and a lot of painful discussion, I have learned more about the situation and hold nothing but respect for her, even on the days when I am still angry. I thank her for her honesty and attribute much of who I am today to her refusal to be unconventional in raising me.

At the point when I wrote this, I was mourning. Not only becuase I felt the loss of not having a father in my life growing up, but the memories I have of my biological father are exceptionally painful and life altering. His impact on me is forever a part of me, but I choose not to allow it to be a negative. Though it took me some time to work all of that out. Unfortunately, he was an abusive and dark individual, he was sick and very willingly inflicted his sickness unto others. I am still mourning in some ways, when I see my girlfriends with their fathers - to be loved by someone THAT unconditionally! When I think of my sons relationship with his father, when I witness so much in our culture around parenthood I do not understand, when I worry about our children. The cycle IS still being propegated and it saddens me tremendously. But, in spite of all of this...I have love and forgiveness for the man that is my father and truly hope that he has found peace wherever his soul has landed. I worry about it, wondering if his karma from this life may have caught up with him in some other life. I truly hope not. I hope that it is understood that he is not tied to us in a negative way, the our hearts hold love for him. I pray the Universe is forgiving and nurturing him through his own period of healing.

There you go again, your sorry
Moving me carelessly through your emotions
Always with such disregard, “Don’t worry baby girl, you’ll get there in time”
Until then shelved for another convenient day
Maybe then you would allow me to know who you are

Didn’t you ever just beg the question?
Seeking truth without consuming the lie
Didn’t you ever just want to let it go?
Not needing to claim… that YOU know the why

There I go again, I’m sorry
Speaking out of my turn and walking out of my line
I guess I should’ve remembered my place
How could I even possibly defy you,
Your own cryptic design?
Didn’t I already know the eager consequence?

Didn’t you ever just beg the question?
Seeking truth without consuming the lie
Didn’t you ever just want to let it go?
Not needing to claim… that YOU know the why

Here we are again, don’t apologize
Please just don’t do it again
I can’t bare another moment of rage
I wonder at your loyalty
Declarations of fact and relentless doubting
That I could be valid or contain a single wisdom
Action negates your insistent speeches
How to medicate these injuries?

Didn’t you ever just beg the question?
Seeking truth without consuming the lie
Didn’t you ever just want to let it go?
Not needing to claim… that YOU know the why

Stop wondering if I’ll ever be saved
Stop worrying about me when I just couldn’t behave
Stop willing me to allow your diagnosis
Come on now you bastard, I’m begging you to give me some space

I’ve got no reasons to wonder why, you never even gave me the chance to say goodbye

Personal Agenda's & Universal Experience

Being that I am this incredibly fortunate individual and have an inordinate amount of autonomous beings whom I share a closeness with, I cannot help but wonder at the personal agenda's I see being fought for within my circles. Understand, that I do not necessarily connotate the term "personal agenda" with a negative tone, though it is not a stretch to embody that concept within the confines of an adverse political, psychological and sociological environment. Admittedly, I too sometimes use the term "personal agenda" to be condescending, dictating and self-righteous of another. Even though consciously that may not be my intent. I am but an infantile human being and know that I am guilty of that which I am arguing against, and this, by defualt, makes me hypocritical.

However, when I analyze more thoroughly and am cognizant of my reactions, "personal agenda" describes each individuals passion and basis for that passion within the Universal Experience. In whatever form that may come to be, each of us have a passion in which we strongly agree or disagree. Is it not our responsibility, to investigate and exhaust every aspect of another's perspective? To take it in and absorb, absorb every aspect of their reality? The reality of their hearts and the very life force of their own balance? Into our own hearts? By taking it in, we create experience? Even if the experience permeates through another? Biologically or otherwise? I think so!

But, it seems to me that so many get caught up in defense mechanisms and forced belief systems that possibly they are unable to be truly analytical and logical? And what of unifying humaneness and emotion in their responses to said personal agenda's? Thus seemingly completely and utterly closed to the beauty that is the very scope of another's passion?

I know that while I would like to think I am an open individual, I have my own breaking point. My own fine line, in which I become defensive, feel attacked. Regardless of another's intention. I know it exists within my being. Again, hypocrisy. I struggle with it, I know I am guilty and I am not sure how to accept it, becuz it truly goes against everything I am passionate about. My belief system. My personal agenda.

In S's ideal world there would be no hypocricy, complete openness to another's passion as well as her own passions (and faults?) without impending guilt. A world in which we would embrace each another, give and recieve selflessly and with an integrity. I speak often about integrity, not something I am sure I have any sort of right to discuss with another. Who am I to speak of integrity with all that I have done unto this planet? To my loved ones? To myself? But it is something written on my heart. That we are to live, with integrity, amongst one another. Not just to co-habitate, but to embrace. Not just to idly pass by, but to observe and integrate.

And with integrity, comes the respect of anothers fight? The fight of a womens right to choose? The fight of a child's right not to be abused? The fight to live without global violence? The fight to live without governmental benevolance? The fight to hear the sounds of our universe? The fight of a father to participate? The fight of a mother who has mourned? The fight of a siser who is lost? The fight of a brother baring the burden? The fight of our earth and all of it's cosmos? The fight of one to live their own unique purpose? The fight to love whom we are born to love? The fight to give and receive? The fight to speak? The fight to be heard? The fight to live. To live!

Within the fight, within the battle, within the struggle...we learn. We collectively obtain knowledge, experience. We contribute and embrace through personal agenda's. We acknowledge the plight of another and accordinlgy personify that plight? Contribute to the generous Universal Experience. Familiarizing Universal Law with the human condition so that it may in return, familiarize us. With each other. With love. With tolerance. With diversity. With magnanimous self-awareness! How glorious!!!!

And all the while - it may be dark. Witnessing the agenda of another may be bewildering and bring coldness to our very core. We hold brashness in our own hearts, out of rage and frustration and simple raw human emotion. It is a clash of wills. We encounter that in which we disagree and we choose our passion, our passion to fight with further dilligance. However painful it might be for us an individual level, we must maintain hope and resolve. We must stand up - stand up for our own personal agenda's and of those for whom which we show support. We must give and recieve, hear and embrace love selflessly, becuz even in the face of carelessness, we must contribue to Universal Experience. And with this, we humbly become. We become Universal.

Whisperings In The Wind

It is a blustery day outside my office window. I find this sort of wind a little unsettling. I love soft breezes and how the leaves talk in the fall, but this wind has a curious fierceness to it.

Perhaps it is Mother Earth reiderating whisperings to me of the winds of change. Life all around me is quite active right now, but more with others I am close to in my life than my own. Seems a large number of people in my life are experiencing major life-altering events. Babies, job changes, deaths in the family, moving out of state, marriages..etc...I feel like it just must be in the air right now and I am quite fascinated by it all. Interesting to watch the dynamic as people work through managing all of their respective changes. It is all very exciting and kind of intoxicating, I can only help but wonder what changes may be a'comin' my way?

Perhaps it is trying to remind me to take some down time, which I think I must do this weekend. I had hoped to get to Boulder tomorrow, I miss it terribley and feel the need to reconnect. But this wind may prevent that, we'll see. All I wish to do is a little gift shopping, drink some wine, do some snuggling on the couch, maybe watch a movie and enjoy the lights.

In any event, this wind is speaking to me regardless of it's intention and making itself quite known.

Boys & Toys

His hair and skin are getting darker
His shoulders and face more angular

He literally seems to grow over night
He already thinks he's always right

He teaches me about boys
Why they are obsessed with toys

I am ever fascinated by him and trying to understand
What might just become of this young man

I don't really know what I am doing
He makes faces at me while he is mooing

See, he's always doing that!
Making me laugh when we are having a spat

I'm "supposed" to be the "parent", it's true
Words like discipline and guidance are used

I laugh a lot when I'm not "supposed" too and do silly things
Outside of the barriers, away from the strings

But more often than not
He is the one too soothe me when I am distraught

Just by smiling and being his own little guy
I am blessed just to know him and never wonder why

Just A Little Longer Mom, Please?

Wretched device designed to angrily yank me from my warm and safe place. I wish to meet it's inventor, discuss with him or her why this action must be so violent; with all of it's incessant beeping and obnoxious distractions and had they even once considered a gentler, kinder way in
which to rouse an innocently sleeping individual?

I think this must be what it would be like if we could consciously recall our birth, thrust out into the cold and brash world without our permission. Eyes still closed with despair and wishing ourselves back to the beauty of our mothers womb, all the while wailing and carrying on about the injustice of it all. However, when we are born we are then given to the comforting arms of our parents.

Not in this case. In this particular situation, we are not allowed to huddle up to our mother for protection. No no no, we must get up to face the injustice alone. Boooo.

So this morning, I took a stand against this evil. I very irresponsibly and carelessly ignored the horrible beeping and finally shut it up, permanently. Not out of rage, I simply removed the object from my environment and have decided it does not belong there any more. I smiled to myself as I climbed back into my warm and safe place and was truly and ultimately and totally...content. For however a brief moment and it was good.

And as I laid there taking in every moment of that warmth; the warmth from my body, from my sleep, from me; I began to reminisce, yet again, about the beauty that is simplicity. The simplicity of resting my heart, my mind, my body, my spirit. Surrounded by softness and physical comforts. The simplicity that is laying in bed longer than you "should." About something so valuable as being warm and how that warmth can make you feel so alive. And how safe I feel in that bed, it does not judge me. It does not care about my moments of weaknesses, insecurities and neediness. It does not mind my imperfections and neurosis. It is not cold or unforgiving, only welcoming and inviting. Selflessly allowing my rest, expecting nothing in return. And did I mention warm? Yes. Warm.

So I am feeling gratitude once again for something so simple in my life, that snuggly wonderful place that is my bed. Where I spend a lot of time in it resting all that I am and allowing my poor unconscious to regroup as I dream through whatever topic it happens to be that night and sometimes I spend time in it NOT resting at all and enjoying myself tremendously and sometimes I just lay in it and cover up and hide from everything that is outside, rejuvenating myself and giggling wildly at all it is that I find there in my solitude.

Grandma's & Goodbyes

It's not fair to say goodbyes
For it was you who sang to me all those lullabies

But your journey here has ended
It was indeed splendid

A generation, two and now even three
Through you, has come to be

You are a diligent soul I've seen
Witnessed all through which you've bared and been

What you've seen come to fruition
Can only enlighten my intuition

We are saddened in our own loss
But all to clearly know your cause

96 years you've roamed this earth
Your insight and wisdom has given birth

Reminded me should I ever forget
All that there is here for me yet

My child's smile and might
Always to nurture and never out of spite

A selfless universal spirit to perpetuate
Only humbly can I participate

The heart of a soul - sister
It is true that I too, miss her

A lovers touch
In which I revel so much

The green and the wild
I am merely but this earths child

So much you know of being a women
In this place of love ever interwoven

I am so sorry to see you go
However much sorrow I may know

It's not for me to explain
This real and true pain

Only to tread gently in the imprint
That is my grandmothers footprint

Love Saga's & Happy Endings

My dear B phoned this morning to inform me of a most eventful weekend in his world. After much deliberation, deep thought and soul searching the 2 have reunited to find one another again and K has accepted B's proposal of marriage. I am flattered to be kept so closely in their loop and to enjoy meaningful friendships with each of them. Each has impacted me personally tremendously and know that their impact is far reaching. I have been lucky to bare witness - witness to their growth as individuals as well as partners. All the tears, difficult days and equally joyous and wondrous ones. Days of compassion and deep love for one another, leading to the beauty that is this day.

I am proud of you both. Proud of you for loving each other unconditionally and giving each other the space to grow as individuals and as life partners. Proud of your will. Proud of your courage. I am proud of your integrity. Congratulations K & B! I look forward to all that is to come your way.
I feel a bit selfish in my joy over this news. Possibly because I have been rooting for them for years and am quite invested in each of them as individuals also. Or maybe it is because I know I'll soon be attending a ceremony to honor their love (that will kick some major ass - K is the most amazing event planner I've ever seen!) where there will be wine and good spirits and I'm all about that.

Mostly though, I am overcome that love has once again found it's way. This particular situation reminds my eternal romantic optimist that love can triumph and succeed and flourish, in spite of life's hardships. A shinning example of all that I believe in and am goodheartedly (and often relentlessly) teased for by my peers.

Their love is not purely lustful or petty or accommodating or convenient or conventional just for the sake of convention or needy or all the things that we've all done at one time or another, in the name of "love." It is based on friendship and mutual respect, it is forgiving and tolerant. It is growing, it is breathing, it is nurturing, it is alive. What they share does not simply speak the concept of romantic love - it is universal love and this is what gives me hope and makes my soul smile.

Pettiness and snickering
Amongst ourselves, selfishly bickering

Much more to loose
We have to choose

People are dying
Relatives are crying

No one is listening
Yet we keep persisting

Going about our daily life
Forgetting of the strife

Stuck on subjects of the trite
Senseless and loosing sight

My heart, it holds sorrow
For all I wish wasn't so hollow

I cannot rhyme or reason
This dissention in season

Anger and violence
What of our benevolence?

Have we ignored our ability
Now left only with a liability

Can we not conceive
A life of tolerance and reprieve

I may be naive
In my desire to believe

In mankind and love
In big picture plans above

We must spread messages of hope
And continue to cope

With conflicts outweighing our own
Unite together to face the unknown

Blessed Be The Free Spirit

To all the free spirits I've crossed a path or two with:-)

Blessed be is the free spirit who comes to visit me
I have known one or maybe it’s twenty-three
I can hardly count them now, as they must flock out to their sea
One should never confine a creature ever longing to be free

They come in all forms of celestial shapes and intensities
A conglomerate of configurations and immensities

Sometimes they are untouched and completely anew
Sometimes they are soiled and utterly askew
Regardless, their wisdoms lead them through

Their path cannot become artificial or all that easy to read
- Cold and lonely, often I watch them bleed
- My heart aches by which I can see
- You shant deny them their staunch complexity

- Brimming with perception and boundless conception
- Touching others without ill intention
- My heart rejoices by which I can see
- You shant deny them their inherent glee

Such a curious kind indeed, barely capable of every day formalities
It can be painful and exhausting to endure such basic pleasantries
There must be more substance to this counterfeit suburban hell?
Where is the authenticity and magical spell?

I cannot answer for what they are sent here to master
Cannot be found in pavement and plaster
Cannot be construed from tangible hereafter
Cannot be broken down even within unabashed laughter

So with this evidence I travel along side
Kindred souls who I know can hear my cries
A unified reaction to all that is lost
Battling regimented chaos at any cost

Whether thoughtfully withdrawn or carefully exposed
I hesitate to put a label unto an entity so naturally composed
Only admire in wonderment as she lights up the night
Or at his ability to thrive in his transient flight

I do not claim I can understand what they are
But they some how know exactly what I am - even from afar
For this I am selflessly loyal and grateful
Blessed be is the free spirit that touches my soul

Let Us Not...

Let us not belittle each other or make fickle attacks
Let us not us forget kindness, forgiveness or gentle tact

Let us not condone the intolerance and judgements that cast shadows on all of our karmas
Let us not participate in the idle, vain and ever consuming dramas

Let us not overlook the lessons of our wisest teachings
Let us not take for granted the power of giving and reaching

Let us not come undone in the face of adversities
Let us not become our own worst adversaries

Let us not hide what we were, what we are, what we will be
Let us not apologize for conciousness and what we clearly see

Let us not recant our beliefs in order to easily acclimate
Let us not stop the fight and efforts to devalidate

Let us not waste the gifts we've been given
Let us not attempt to forever conceal all that's been kept hidden

Let us not choose the path of ignorance and compliance
Let us not give into simple defiance

Let us not force control on another from above
Let us not misunderstand the very force that is love

How This Child

How This Child…

He frustrates me, oh this child can frustrate me so
His will is growing and this is good
But his will is what tests me, even though I know that it should

Some days I cannot take it all in and still feel sane
Most days I am grateful that he is not part of the mundane

In a glimmering glance, I see him working hard to take a real and true stance
Against that which he does not agree or cannot justify in his logical dance
I know I must support this even though it makes me tremble and woe
Cuz in the long run, he must unequivocally know
That fighting the good fight and arguing the status quo
Are all just a part of his natural ebb and flow

He never grows tired of searching for answers
I sometimes grow weary but never take him for granted

His teachers do not accept
What a gift they hold in their hands
Though they often are awed by at how much he naturally understands
They simply cannot find it in themselves to believe
That a child this age, has in his gaze
The ability to stun and amaze

The glow of his eyes, when he happens upon a surprise
The kind us silly adults only seem to compromise
The grin on his face, when he stares off into a space
Like he already gets something we seem to have misplaced

Every move this child makes resembles an experiment
One of resolve and stealthy temperament
Since his birth, he has challenged our mathematical equation
Struggling and wandering through revocation
An unknown to you and I perhaps
But to him, it is basic and free
This is something he has taught me to see

A freedom in simplicity and the obvious
Even on the days when I find his energy obnoxious

How I wish I could help him perceive
Just how much he means to me
And not just to me in fact
The truth is that he’s got the world at his back
He has the ability to make such an enormous impact

With tears in my eyes, I know he is becoming a man
That with his age comes fewer less hours between mother and young lad
Though I mourn this loss with great sadness
I know the light in his heart his heart is delightful and wild
And I must embrace this even in the face of my own shear madness
He has so much to offer, this lovely ingenious child

Getting There....

A few days ago, I noticed I have a very clear and defined wrinkle on the corner of my eye. This isn't like a laugh line, with a laugh like mine it's hard NOT to have laugh lines. No, this is definitely a wrinkle that came with age, pure and simple. Vain as it may be, I keep examining it and laughing at myself over it. At first, I was kind of irritated at it. Like, how dare you show up on my face already...I'm only 28. Jeesh. And then I laughed even harder at myself for being irritated with it in the first place, when did I get so hung up on physical flaws? I thought I let go of that external bullshit a long time ago? Silly girl.

I know now that my initial reaction to this external notification of my age took me by surprise because I have yet to even begin to feel like an "adult" = "a grown up" = "mature"...let alone have it written all over my face. I still color in coloring books, how can I have a wrinkle?

Then I had this fabulous conversation with a truly exceptional individual on the topic of "experience" and how intrinsic knowledge comes with experience and experiencing life takes physical time. This also included biological experience and how mothers and fathers and their mother and fathers pass down their "experiences" to us in some manner or another, good or bad, we have thousands of years of evolution written on our hearts and minds and we in turn pass it on. Verbally, physically, mentally, socially...conscious or not - every day we are all sharing a knowledge with each other of our own direct experiences and the experiences past down to us from others.

After some thought, the wrinkle became a sign, a badge of honor. It is a sign of change, it is my physical body attempting to catch up with my mental/emotional/spiritual one. I don't feel like an "adult" or "mature" because no doubt there is an infinite amount of information and experience available and non of us are really "grown" - we are all but infants in that context. How can I feel all growed-up when that is an impossibility in one life time?

So me and my wrinkle are going to go color and smile and share secret giggles. Neener neener boo boo ;-P

I Went To Safeway Today

I went to Safeway today with my son. We needed something for dinner and I needed to fill a prescription.

We went to the mini-instore Starbucks cuz I needed a caffiene fix and he is extremely fond of the many pastries available at such an establishment. We were waiting for my iced chai (decided an iced tea sounded bettter) and there was a plate of samples. It was chocolate almond biscotti. He wanted to try it, I told him to go ahead knowing it would not be what he expected. Knowing he would think it was a brownie, sweet and palatable. Biscotti is not soft I said. It is hard becuz it is meant for dipping in coffee. It is a food that has purpose, more than just the taste. This food has texture and an experience. He laughed and took it anyway, telling me he was to young to drink coffee. Silly Mom. I knew he was going to be surprised. And he was. Turns out he liked it, after some deliberation that it was indeed worth eating and asked if the girl working the counter if he could have another.

I laughed at this, his politeness over such a thing. Thank you, can I have one more? At his interest in trying new things. At his expression while crunching down. Watching him eyeball this huge plate full of crunchy delight. My comments were not meant to sway his decision, but more to simply explain. As mothers often do I suppose. I thought about this later and wonder if I comment too much?

As we were walking away, I saw an older couple approaching the sample plate. I don't mean "older" in the 75 year old sense. Holding hands, carefully walking each other down each aisle, discussing which cat food to buy and making all of us go "awww."

I'm thinking they were probably 40, 45. Somewhere in there. The women ate a piece of the biscotti and asked her man if he would like a piece? That it was good, had he ever tried it? She was smiling, she was happy to offer it to him and seemingly eager for him to receive. He hesitated and then agreed to try it and then they were both smiling. They kissed and giggled. Stood there smiling only at each other. Like they had just shared something fantastic and no one around them knew it. Something new. Something secret. Then I hurried Max away and felt I'd been watching too long.

We were walking home and I wondered about the couple. What must an average day be like for them? Do they discuss the mundane details of their lives? Does it bore them, is this discussion part of their ritual while making dinner? Hearing each other, but not really listening while stirring rigatone and chopping salad? Is their relationship one of mere convention versus a true desire, a desire to be together? A desire for love, love for each other? Do they discuss their beliefs, their passions, their inspirations? Do they agree? Do they agree to disagree? Are their disagreements honest and productive or angry and eager to prove? Do they still find excitement in one another? I figure they must after something so simple as biscotti seemed to insight something between the two of them, something they clearly shared within each other; eyes gleaming while the business occurrs around them.

Is their sex life still fullfilling after so long? I can only assume they've been together for some time due to the depth of comfort between them. Is there learning in each other, his body, her body, their physical body together? Do they still hunger for one another? When their skin touches, is it intense and tingley and truly longing for more? Is their apetite for each other insatiable or functional and marginally satisfying? Not just physically, but mentally, emotionally, spiritually? Do they anticipate each other each day when they drive home from their 9 - 5's? Is there an urgency in the need to share, to share their experiences? Is there fear? Fear in honesty? Is there a white elephant in their living room? Something that's long since past, but real nontheless? No doubt they've exchanged hurtful words and horrendous arguement. Have they damaged each other?

Do they really understand each other or is it a knowledge that came with time, the in's and out's of every day existance, out of shear habit?

I thought of all of this, just wondering. Wondering at how sincere those smiles were. It might've been but a glimpse into their world together or maybe they were just having a good day, or maybe I took much too much out of 30 seconds in the life of this couple. Or maybe I'm just a twisted romantic with little concept of reality and more one of fantasy and fiction. Either way, I was glad. I was glad, becuase whatever it was brought warmth and wonder to my heart and isn't that what love is all about? For any of us? Warmth and wonder.

And then Max and I came home and played Jeapordy on XBox and ate Pad Thai I bought at the store. He didn't like the Pad Thai so much.

Just My List

1) I am a single mother of an oustanding, amazing, intuitive little man.
2) I loved being pregnant with Max, my feelings for him are undescribable in words.
3) I worry about my son a lot, I worry about me a lot.
4) My son phsycially looks a lot like me, there is no question he is my child, though as he ages his father's features become more prevalent.
5) The hardest part of being a single mother for me is feeling alone in the process, like I don't have anyone to bounce the day to day stuff off of. Some days I feel very alone in life.
6) There are also days when I get overwhelmed with the volume of things that have to be done and I sometimes wish I had someone to share the load with.
7) I think I am a good mother, but wish I were more patient.
8) I am 28 now, I had Max when I was 16.
9) I feel myself getting older, it scares me a little..
10) Sometimes I am resistant to "behaving" like an adult.
11) I am a voluptous, naturally blonde haired women with green eyes.
12) My physical self image is somewhat disorted and I have suffered with eating disorders of some sort since my early teens.
13) I wish I was more athletic.
14) I love to be outside, hiking, camping, doing anything physical outside of my home and get depressed if I don't get to do it as much as I'd like.
15) I live in Colorado and feel it is my home, but am insanely drawn toward the Pacific Northwestern States.
16) I am inately connected to the ocean and water.
17) I have an irrational fear of bats.
18) I love animals of every variety, even bats.
19) I want to go bungee jumping, sky diving and river rafting.
20) I am in IT, but have always wanted to become a Marine Biologist in my dream world ;-)
21) If it were up to me, I'd put my 40+ hours in at a non-profit, I can think of nowhere I'd rather spend my work hours.
22) My most influential professional women are Gail Wilson, Carin Carper, Oprah Winfrey & Gwen Stefani.
23) Carin Carper was and is one of the most beuatiful women I've ever known, we lost her to breast cancer 5 years ago and not a day goes by I don't think about her.
24) Her soul is beautiful and kind and true and I've never known anyone quite like her. I miss her.
25) I've lost a lot of people in my life and have seen alot of people loose their loved ones.
26) There is nothing worse than that kind of loss, it is not something I understand.
27) My father died when I had just barely turned 8.
28) I still mourne not having a father growing up and even now as an adult women.
29) My mother and I have had a difficult relationship, but it is growing in a healthy one that I am greatly appreciative of.
30) I am fascinated by the human condition.
31) I think I am special, but not any more or less special than anyone else.
32) Some people have labled me a complex individual, but I don't see that, I am just me.
33) I love music and am profoundly connected to musical elements in my soul.
34) I don't like country all that much though I respect it for what it is.
35) I have sung off and on for years and sang back up vocals briefly in a band.
36) I am a writer, specifically poetry and lyrics.
37) I wish to learn an instrument so I can write my own songs and not rely on others for the sounds I can hear in my mind when I am writing lyrics.
38) I am intuitively creative, but do not always know where to put that energy.
39) I also like painting and photography.
40) Radiohead is my favorite band.
41) I saw Radiohead live, front and center at Red Rocks in 2003 and it was an experience I know will follow me through the years.
42) My experiences with music will live in my memory forever.
43) I do not feel that alot of other people truly understand me.
44) I have an outstanding support group and feel a lot of love from all of them.
45) The women closest to me share common personality traits amongs them: Exceptional Strength, Strong Sense Of Self, Independance, Intellegence, Intuitiveness and Tolerance.
46) I often feel the most vulnerable and weak of all of them, but draw a great deal of inspiration and strength from each of them for different reasons.
47) I love being a women, in spite of the constant struggle and double standards I see in our culture.
48) My closest girlfriends are Kristen, Crystal & Mary. Colleen is also on that list, even though she drives me crazy sometimes:)
49) These are my safest friendships, they are my sisters and fellow soldiers in life.
50) My mother has been my greatest teacher and I love her unconditionally.
51) My grandmothers & aunts are also important to me.
52) I have a biological sister, we are not close and did not even talk until 2 years ago.
53) I wonder a lot if our relationship will develop.
54) Equally, the men closest to me share common traits: Sensitivity, Intuitiviness, Intelligence, Kindness; Love, Fascination & Respect For Us As Women.
55) I cannot spend time with men who are arrogant, women hating, abusive in any way, biogts, liars, conceded, jealous, insecure or intolerant. I will never waste my time on men that meet any of these criteria again.
56) I love men and they also irritate the shit out of me, I sometimes struggle greatly in my romantic relationships with men.
57) I wonder if I am capable of the kind of love I desire with a man.
58) My grandfathers, step-father, Bryan, Dane & Justin are my most trusted male relationships.
59) I understand them and they understand me, whatever the context of our relationship.
60) Unfortunately, like the majority of women in my life I have been sexually violated.
61) I went through years of rage and acting out becuase of this, but am blessed to have come to a place of healing.
62) I am quite curious about "Love" between men & women, it's such an interesting dynamic.
63) I'm not sure if I've ever really been in love, at least not the love I've envisioned in my heart.
64) Next topic.
65) I am a fairly political individual and have strong, but open political beliefs.
66) I am kind and honest, sometimes to a fault.
67) I can be "bad" and scandelous and sometimes I like it.
68) I think we all can be, we all have darkness inside of us.
69) I have great internal struggles and overthink things a lot.
70) I am smarter than the average bear, but sometimes have little or no common sense about everyday things.
71) I want to be a better listener to my friends.
72) I think individuals who are accutley aware of their surroundings, with higher than average intelligence can be quite tortured.
73) I've also found folks who are intensley creative can be quite eccentric.
74) I am drawn to these sorts of entities.
75) I lived in San Francisco for 3 years and it taught me a lot and I met such a diverse group of people there that I am forever changed from the experience.
76) I have struggled off and on with my drinking and partying.
77) I smoke cigarettes.
78) I can party like a frat boy and dance all night.
79) I like to push my body and mind to it's limits.
80) I also like to test sociatal standards and ethics.
81) I am a highly sexual women, but do not believe I am promiscous.
82) I have an issue with authority but often feel I need guidance.
83) I love to drive fast and want to learn to drive a motorcylce and quad.
84) I think I am more screwed up than some people think and less than others seem to think I am.
85) I do not believe in God the way that any one else in my life does and I have huge issues with organized religion.
86) I've always admired others ability to have faith, it is simply something I do not understand and wish that I could.
87) I do consider myself a highly spiritual individual, but cannot put a name on it.
88) I have explored many religions and find the most connection with Eastern based philosphies.
89) I am highly logical, but equally an emotionally driven thinker.
90) I believe in karma.
91) I will forever be searching.
92) I love living life for everything it has to offer and luckily have cared a lot less about what people think about me through the years.
93) I think people spend too much time worrying about what others think of them.
94) I am open to getting married some day, but am not sure I ever will.
95) Sometimes I think I have no idea what I think and am a walking study in contradiction.
96) I have learned how to put down boundaries with others in my life, this was not easy.
97) I have learned to laugh at myself and think humor (like love) is part of what makes it all work.
98) I believe most people are truly good in their hearts.
99) I love make up, clothes and to play dress up and to feel sexy. Thus my love for Halloween!
100) Isn't it sad I could punch out 100 random thoughts and could go on for 100 more! Oh yeah...I can be very long winded!