I wrote this during a time of great suffering and equally great healing. I realize it is a bit harsh and probably doesn't make a whole lot of sense. I actually have a rought draft of it recorded somewhere, I worked on this song with a friend of mine for over a year, but it never quite got "there." Maybe it wasn't supposed to?
I lost my father when I was very young, he died 2 days after my 8th birthday and my mother told me about it the day after my birthday party. My step-mother (ugh) blamed my mother and me for his death, there was huge drama in the family over this as you can imagine. I was not allowed to attend his funeral. His passing was not spoken of often in my family, it is an element I feel overshadowed much of my young life. I felt guilted into silence and introversion regarding this topic.
I do not blame my mother, she had way too much to deal with as it was in regards to her relationship with him, not to mention trying to raise a pretty mixed up little girl on her own. Though I will not lie, I went through a period of enormous anger with her becuz of this very issue. But with time and a lot of painful discussion, I have learned more about the situation and hold nothing but respect for her, even on the days when I am still angry. I thank her for her honesty and attribute much of who I am today to her refusal to be unconventional in raising me.
At the point when I wrote this, I was mourning. Not only becuase I felt the loss of not having a father in my life growing up, but the memories I have of my biological father are exceptionally painful and life altering. His impact on me is forever a part of me, but I choose not to allow it to be a negative. Though it took me some time to work all of that out. Unfortunately, he was an abusive and dark individual, he was sick and very willingly inflicted his sickness unto others. I am still mourning in some ways, when I see my girlfriends with their fathers - to be loved by someone THAT unconditionally! When I think of my sons relationship with his father, when I witness so much in our culture around parenthood I do not understand, when I worry about our children. The cycle IS still being propegated and it saddens me tremendously. But, in spite of all of this...I have love and forgiveness for the man that is my father and truly hope that he has found peace wherever his soul has landed. I worry about it, wondering if his karma from this life may have caught up with him in some other life. I truly hope not. I hope that it is understood that he is not tied to us in a negative way, the our hearts hold love for him. I pray the Universe is forgiving and nurturing him through his own period of healing.
There you go again, your sorry
Moving me carelessly through your emotions
Always with such disregard, “Don’t worry baby girl, you’ll get there in time”
Until then shelved for another convenient day
Maybe then you would allow me to know who you are
Didn’t you ever just beg the question?
Seeking truth without consuming the lie
Didn’t you ever just want to let it go?
Not needing to claim… that YOU know the why
There I go again, I’m sorry
Speaking out of my turn and walking out of my line
I guess I should’ve remembered my place
How could I even possibly defy you,
Your own cryptic design?
Didn’t I already know the eager consequence?
Didn’t you ever just beg the question?
Seeking truth without consuming the lie
Didn’t you ever just want to let it go?
Not needing to claim… that YOU know the why
Here we are again, don’t apologize
Please just don’t do it again
I can’t bare another moment of rage
I wonder at your loyalty
Declarations of fact and relentless doubting
That I could be valid or contain a single wisdom
Action negates your insistent speeches
How to medicate these injuries?
Didn’t you ever just beg the question?
Seeking truth without consuming the lie
Didn’t you ever just want to let it go?
Not needing to claim… that YOU know the why
Stop wondering if I’ll ever be saved
Stop worrying about me when I just couldn’t behave
Stop willing me to allow your diagnosis
Come on now you bastard, I’m begging you to give me some space
I’ve got no reasons to wonder why, you never even gave me the chance to say goodbye
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