Guilt & Inadequacies...yup

I'm not sure I even know why
Why I've been given this gift
So much I cannot understand
Even more for which I do not feel deserving

Made mistakes and erred often
Taken when I should've given
Wronged when I should've righted
Cried when I should've laughed
Raged when I should've loved

I should be more.
A better mother, women, spirit, friend,
daughter, sister, grand-daughter, neice,
lover, partner, giver, receiver, activist,
optimist, realist, macro thinker,
micro thinker, child of peace, student of earth.

I should be more spiritual.
Gain more knowledge, consume less, more indepandant, less vulnerable.
Minimal emotion, more logic.
Pick a side of the fence instead of the forever gray area?
Care for my body, heart, mind, soul.
Embrace more magic and state of mind.

Not strong, smart, or honest enough.
More integrity, naive little child.
Drug addict, poverty stricken welfare recipeint.
Not pretty enough, thin enough, nurturing enough.
Lazy days and no energy.
Not living my passion in my job, in life education.
I'm not living up to my potential.

These voices argue with guilt and thoughts of inadequacies.
They tell me I've done wrong.
That I owe them, I've gone astray.
I should be more of this and less of that.
I am simply not enough.

I've forced some of this unto myself, it's true.
My own worst enemy. Harsher on my own heart than any other.
What a cliche. I know why I do it. Now tell me why you do it.
Even more, some outsiders have tried to force this unto me.
They see that I am, but an open book.
Where every symbol of my self-development and growth and identity,
Become topic for gossipy discussion and attempts at manipulation.
Comical that I now scoff at this sort of attempt and judgements.

Not because I am not open to growth or the wisdom of others or myself.
Not becuase I do not see the value of accepting all perspectives.
Allowing the patience, space, tolerance and love I wish for us all.
Not because I do not appreciate all that I have been given, in flesh and in vital force.
No, it is not because I am NOT open.

It is becuase, through experience I have come to find a place.
A place in which I've found self-worth.
Fine line between self-worth and ego. Careful now.
Bigger difference between self-worth and arrogance. Ugh, none of want to think we are arrogant?
Huge difference between self-worth and becoming condescending of others in that conciousness.
I pray the Universe gently whispers to me should I cross the line.

So easy to fall victim, to ourselves and society.
To succomb to guilt and inadequacies.
You should be more to me and I more to you.
And if you are not, I will guilt you into submission.
And if I am not enough for me, I will analyze until I am more.
More. More pain. Less forgiveness. More torture.

I'm not sure I even know why.
It is that I've found this blessed place.
Where, in spite of my human fault, I am perfect.
Perfect in every way, in where I should be.
Just as you are. Just as we all are.
At this very moment. In simplicity. In infinity.
Within omnipresence and magnanimous design.
Designed by a bigger "big" than us, you OR me.
And I know that we will love and be loved.
Why is this so hard to see?