Weekly Update
Hmm hmm, let’s see where to begin. I’ll skip the 5+ days I spent with what I now suspect to be the flu b/c it involves a lot of unplesasantness and besides, it is behind me now so who cares? Let’s just say this: I lost 5 lbs, Dave and I bonded over the great almighty porcelean god and questions about whether it was food poisoning aside, I will never eat at a certain salad buffet chain again. Blech.
Spring is most definitely in the air in Colorado. After a few mentionable snow storms in March, April promises to be a glorious example of the beauty that is the cyciclical rebirth of Spring. We could, in theory, still get a ton of snow in April…it’s been known to happen. I remember one in particular, on my mom’s birthday about 5 years ago that snowed us all in (literally) for about 3 days. So it does happen. It is, however, unlikely and even if we do get any snow it will be welcomed (by me at least) because not only does it help to keep this arid climate a bit moister, but it also melts within 24 to 48 hours of the storm b/c it’s rarely cold enough to stick around for long.
Side rant: I don’t understand people who moved to Colorado or choose to live here that bitch about the snow. Its Colorado people, it SNOWS here. Every year, at least 4-5 months out of the year, on average 65+ inces and it is critical to our eco-system. We are already being swallowed by the dessert slowly but surely, if I were these people, I wouldn’t be in to big a hurry to see the snow come to an end. Not to mention the ski dollars that flood our state. Besides, in between the snow it’s typically very mild and I’m sorry, but the occasional inconvenience is totally worth how absolutely wonderous a snow storm is. I’d challenge these people to live in Wisconsin for a winter. Get over it whiners! Suck it up.
Anyway…yes Spring is officially here and it always brings with it such a notable shift in mood it’s hard to ignore. Maybe it’s the playing in my garden (I already have a slew of determined wildflowers poking there ways out of the soil) or it being sunnier later at night so I have more time to walk Bailey or the sitting on the back patio with Dave, sipping wine and bbq-ing food (that’s on the docket for this weekend) or the warmer weather allowing the windows to be open and airing out the house. Mostly, I think it’s the growing stuff. I am all sorts of green-thumbed orientated these days (perhaps it has a little something to do with Farmville, which I am thoroughly hooked on thanks to Paula and my mother) and have all kinds of idea’s about what to grow and there actual for-sight to begin planting seeds now. I am working on an herb garden in 2 containers and will most likely do a few upside down tomato/strawberry plants and if I get real ambitious, I might try to a container full of peppers. The other big project is getting grass to grow consistentily in the back yard. My back yard is enormous, it needs a lot of love but right now I just want to get the grass growing and the lilac bushes in a manageable state. I need some more basic gardening tools, specificially a good pair of clippers, something with an extendable handle will be in order for the lilacs, they are enormous. I have most everything else, though I would like one of those little foam things you kneel on, my knee’s get wrecked after a few hours of kneeling. I also need new gloves, mine from last year are absolutely worthless at this point, there’s a huge hole in the thumb so dirt gets in anyway…what’s the point? Other than of course the fact they have little lady bugs on them and they are adorable. Oh that’s another thing, we have to spray for the wiggy wiggy bugs ASAP. My house was practically infested with ear-wigs (pincerbugs) and of ALL the bugs in the world…this just so happens to be the kind I have a serious aversion to. I won’t be dealing with them in droves again this year, it’s not an option. Neither is the spider problem…that has to be addressed as well, and soon. It was 78 degrees out today, perfect weather for those little buggers and their larvae. Luckily, I got over my whole “oh they are living things and we shouldn’t ever kill a living thing” issue from last Spring. After spending a summer with those little wiggy wiggy bastards literally swarming my kitchen and the suspected brown recluse bite, it’s every man for himself. I highly doubt there is a lack of pincer bugs in the world, based on what I saw last year so I have no qualms whatsoever. As for the spiders, well…I do kinda feel bad about those guys b/c they are really a functional aspect of any good home, they eat all kinds of bugs and it all works out nicely. But when the spider is a real bad ass like a brown recluse or a black widow, it’s time to act. Sorry fella’s (or in the black widow’s case, ladies) but I’d rather avoid an ER visit or a poisoned pet or worse….god, there are a zillion children in my neighborhood and both of my immediate neighbors have very young children, I’d better do my part in protecting them and myself. And Bailey!
Spring and all of its perks really are on the forefront of my mind these days. At work, in between the fires, I daydream about playing in the dirt and helping things to grow. The moist cool soil in between my fingers, the sound of the kids playing on the play ground, Bailey “helping” and watching it all slowly poke up out of the dirt and grow into something colorful and bright and vivid and pleasurable to the many senses. Purrrrr.
I day dream a lot at work lately I’ve found. Maybe it’s b/c Nancy announced last week that she’ll no longer be managing my team and she’ll soon be replaced by someone who is to be her “clone” – which is a totally ridiculous idea. That anyone could fill her shoes, but whatever….it’s a good business move and technically, it’s a promotion for her and it’s not like she’ll be that far away and blah blah blah…all that political correctness aside, I think it sucks big bug butt! I feel totally abandoned, I am having a lot of anxiety about what this means for the team and I know I’m not the only one that is so fiercely loyal to Nancy that it’s difficult to even fathom being managed by someone and then I had the MOTHER of all “this sucks” epiphanies…what if the new manager is a man. Oh dear GOD. It’s very likely, she’s the only female manager out of the 10 or so at our location and she kicks ass at it, but there aren’t that many Nancy’s just laying around you know. Crap. Then I soothed myself by considering that Nancy will be a key factor in the hiring process and she’ll take care of us, she’ll make sure our needs are met b/c on top of having all of her wicked skills and experience, this person will have to embody a certain vibe to manage this motley crew of misfits. No doubt, it takes a “special” kind of manager to look after a group like us. I promised Nancy I would be nice, and I will. Scouts honor. Doesn’t’ mean I have to like it. Hurumph!
I also find myself lately having a really sour puss over the fact that I have all this new responsilibity and yet no one seems to really acknowledge that I’m doing development still AND all the build management, nor has anyone made mention of the fact that everyone now treats me like a manager but here it is, a month later and not a single word about whether my position will change officially OR if I will be compensated accordingly. This week in particular is rough b/c my co-worker R, whom I often work with closely on development projects because basically I back filled her position when they promoted her (5 years ago on March 14th) and I am slowly but surely working up to the same level she’s at in terms of development, is on vacation so I’m getting all of her development issues on top of my work which is fine except there have been 2 production hot fixes to manage in 2 days AND a boat load of issue management tasks to complete, not to mention I’m trying to get this data converted into the new issue management software but am bumping heads BIG time with our 24/7 guys about getting the correct plugins installed with I am totally capable of doing, but process says they are supposed to do it but they are dragging their feet on it big time so I feel a little stuck in the water and damn annoyed by it.
Shew.
That’s when I retreat internally and fantasize about my garden and bbq’s and playing with my puppy and watching the sun go down with the man while sipping wine….Calgon, take me away.
Max news? Not much, we don’t talk much about anything of substance. We talk, in the technical way, a few times a week…but mostly it’s just about this or that or not much of anything and I’ll take it. Makes sense, everyone is settled into their routines and kind of moving on with our lives. Funny how that happens huh? Either I am getting better at managing changes or it’s just what humans do, we go on. Plus, it be stupid of me not to enjoy this time…I feel a little like a kid just graduating high school or something. I want to play and travel and not be responsible for much of anything, I want to try new things and cook and dance and eat and be with the people I love but have time alone too. And I’m doing it. Some days, like last week, I was feeling a lot of resentment toward work and responsibilities, b/c I have this little squeaky wheel of a voice that says “Max is gone, you should do whatever you damn well want!” which if it were up to me, it would mean taking about a year off of being home with my puppy and playing in my garden and taking cooking and dance classes, focusing on my yoga and my body and sleeping. Resting. A lot. just ME ME ME ME….but guess what kids? Life doesn’t work that way. So, I just scowl at my job on those days and get through it and go home and spend my free time doing those things I mentioned and that feels just about perfect. It took me a while, but I’ve finally opened up to the fact that I am adult, for the first time ever, without a kid, happily involved with a great guy, with a decent job that affords me some small luxuries (like seeds and soil and dance classes) so why not just enjoy what you have and mold your life into what you want it to be and still go to work every day, like everyone else….(cuz I don’t want to be like everybody else?) and be happy with it. I’ll get there, some day. Who knows, maybe I should be carefull what I wish for.
Back to the grind cats and kittens, duty calls. More soon, love to you all.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
the eensy weensy spider
I crawled up the spout last week and the rain came and crashed me down, but this week I’m attempting the spout again, not nearly as blindly or terrified as last time. Regardless, the past few weeks have reminded me that I am an emotional eater and when: emotional eating + hormones = ravenous, insatiable Sarah. Luckily, I am more on track these past few days so I am feeling better today, but man I must’ve put down more than a grown man last week. Speaking of grown men and eating, Dave can eat. I tell you, he eats like Max and he’s got 20 years on the kid. It must SUCK to have that metabolism. *glare* Sometimes I find myself jealously sneaking glances at him as he eats whatever and whenever, wondering what that must be like. On the bad days, the days when I want to scarf down a jar of peanut butter using a chocolate bar as the spoon…well those are the days I remember that this body was designed to be curvy and voluptuous and that I have a different body for a reason and I can indulge the beauty of woman hood and that’s a good thing. So what if it means I can’t eat like that, I’m not supposed to. I don’t have a physical job; I don’t need all those calories to sustain myself. Besides, I’d like to see HIM pop a baby out of his bod, that’s something I could (in theory) do that he could never do. Well, maybe a food baby maybe..haha. I am also trying to figure out a way to let him know my concerns about WHAT he eats, namely soda. He consumes gallons of soda a week. I keep trying to tell him that just b/c he’s a big tall guy with the metabolism of a 17 year old boy, that doesn’t mean he’s healthy and soda is SO SO SO nasty. It’s just wrong and he has to give that habit up ASAP. As a former soda addict, I KNOW how hard it is to give stuff up, but it must be done. It’s so detrimental to your body, just icky and wrong. He listens and nods and smiles and then shows up with a gallon sized jug of Pepsi from the convenient store. I could just shake him.
Back to topic, last weeks production build wasn’t as smooth as I would have liked, but it wasn’t really anything I could control. The project managers did a piss poor job of making sure their issues were ready to be moved to production and just waved their hands at me when I tried to verify with them what projects files should be moved to production and I now see why my boss didn’t baby sit the process. She was trying to show these guys that they need to do a better job of approving what issues go to production. I was reassured many times it wasn’t my *fault* which I didn’t feel it was anyway, but hey…we all like reassurance right? Especially when stumbling your way through a high learning curve. So, I’m feeling pretty good about things, though I have days that I’m a little more overwhelmed than others.
In Bailey news, we had our first electronic causality last night. A power supply cord for my laptop. My WORK laptop. The same laptop that they just replaced that same external battery pack oh about….3 months ago. Guess who gets to buy a new one for work. YAY Bailey, awesome. In her defense, it was my stupid fault for leaving it on the floor. Though in MY defense she’s never really chewed on power cords so I had no reason to suspect her. That’s the awesome thing about puppies and baby’s; they sure know how to keep interesting!
Mom is settling into her new apartment well, it’s a cute place. Very manageable for her physically, financially, etc…it’s a good fit. She had St. Paddy’s day feast at my house Fri night and then Dave and I went over there on Sunday and hung pictures and brought her the bed I gave her. I made up the bed for her and had all her pictures and knick knacks hung up in no time flat. In a fleeting moment of vulnerability, she admitted to me that she now sees how I’ve been playing the mother all these years and I saw some teary eyes. Wow. Perhaps this time to herself will shed some light on a lot of underlying things. She is leaning on me obviously, because she needs me right now and that’s ok, I expected it, but I will say that she’s been pleasantly surprising in her respecting of my own space and boundaries as well. Good on her.
Well, this little spider has to get a move on. I have a kazillion chores to do at home and I have to take Bailey on a walk, it’s just TO beautiful not to today. She’ll love it! Till next time, xo.
Back to topic, last weeks production build wasn’t as smooth as I would have liked, but it wasn’t really anything I could control. The project managers did a piss poor job of making sure their issues were ready to be moved to production and just waved their hands at me when I tried to verify with them what projects files should be moved to production and I now see why my boss didn’t baby sit the process. She was trying to show these guys that they need to do a better job of approving what issues go to production. I was reassured many times it wasn’t my *fault* which I didn’t feel it was anyway, but hey…we all like reassurance right? Especially when stumbling your way through a high learning curve. So, I’m feeling pretty good about things, though I have days that I’m a little more overwhelmed than others.
In Bailey news, we had our first electronic causality last night. A power supply cord for my laptop. My WORK laptop. The same laptop that they just replaced that same external battery pack oh about….3 months ago. Guess who gets to buy a new one for work. YAY Bailey, awesome. In her defense, it was my stupid fault for leaving it on the floor. Though in MY defense she’s never really chewed on power cords so I had no reason to suspect her. That’s the awesome thing about puppies and baby’s; they sure know how to keep interesting!
Mom is settling into her new apartment well, it’s a cute place. Very manageable for her physically, financially, etc…it’s a good fit. She had St. Paddy’s day feast at my house Fri night and then Dave and I went over there on Sunday and hung pictures and brought her the bed I gave her. I made up the bed for her and had all her pictures and knick knacks hung up in no time flat. In a fleeting moment of vulnerability, she admitted to me that she now sees how I’ve been playing the mother all these years and I saw some teary eyes. Wow. Perhaps this time to herself will shed some light on a lot of underlying things. She is leaning on me obviously, because she needs me right now and that’s ok, I expected it, but I will say that she’s been pleasantly surprising in her respecting of my own space and boundaries as well. Good on her.
Well, this little spider has to get a move on. I have a kazillion chores to do at home and I have to take Bailey on a walk, it’s just TO beautiful not to today. She’ll love it! Till next time, xo.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
The Courage To Love
So, I have this puppy right? Her name is Bailey, she’s probably the sweetest most adorable creature to ever walk the face of the Earth. She is kind and loving and innocent like a child. She does not care if I showered that day, if I am having a bad hair day, if I am moody, if I am tired, whether I have baggage or shame, whether my imperfections are showing that day. She does not care about my past, my future or whether I am successful. She does not see me as a “bad“ anything….friend, daughter, sister, lover, mother or employee.
She does not judge me about anything, unless of course I have to scold her for some reason, then I have committed a horrible atrocity against animal kind and this is made evident by the droopy ears and downward facing eyes as her head rest on her paws. Because you see, the worst thing I can do is tell her “no” and even, she gets over it pretty quickly. In no time flat she’s licking, wiggling her tail, ready to play and be held again.
All she sees in me is someone to love and someone who loves her in return. It’s that simple to her. She is not haunted by past emotional disappointments, she does not know that humans can be lost and hurt each other both intentionally and unintentionally, she does not feel despair about the state of our world.
She simply lives for the moment. Completely and totally. Sometimes the moment might include noms of some kind, a new squeaky toy, a kitty to chase and play with or a new canine friend to sniff butts with. It’s not that hard for her, there’s no fear in her love for anything or anyone. She just dives right in with totally unbridled abandon, ears a’flopping and tail a wagging. It’s unconditional.
I protect this virtue in her like it’s the Hope Diamond because to me, it’s the most beautiful thing in the world. Her world is limited to me, our cats and a select few humans and 4 legged creatures alike. Selfish? Maybe, but why even risk soiling such a lovely thing as she?
I think to myself, Max must’ve been this way at some point. I was young and inexperienced, I don’t really remember seeing this in him, though I’m sure it existed, because I see it in all children of a certain. I didn’t yet possess the ability to appreciate the moments with him when he was a small child, though if I squeeze my eyes real tight and click my heels together, I can vaguely remember moments of unabashed mother/son bonding that was all about his innocence and unconditional love and mine too. It is true that I see Bailey as my baby, especially since my human baby is off in the world, experiencing life without me. Somehow, Bailey has given me insights into life in general and something about her makes me think of my son an awful lot. Don’t tell him though, he may not appreciate being in the same league as a “dog” – but even he would agree, Bailey is much more than a “dog.” The fact that everyone who meets her instantly falls in love (even a tried and true dog disliker-er LOL) is a testament to how special she is.
I could wax on for hours about her and how amazing I think she is, because that much is plainly obvious. But my message is this:
We could all learn a lot from the likes of Bailey. About how to love without fear, how to live in the moment, how to forgive quickly and be ready to play at a moments notice. And…never to underestimate the irresistible charm of a soft, sweet, googely eyed friend for they are unfettered by your idiot behavior, all they want to do is love you.
Now if only I had the courage to love the way she does. And, in that same note, love HER the same way she loves me because I have brief flashes of panic and fear. My little feelers get triggered in a big way and I feel scared, really truly scared. Not because she does not deserve all the love in the world, but because I am afraid my heart will break if something happens to her and the tears well just thinking about it, so I don’t and I push the thoughts out of my mind and trust the Universe that whatever happens, it will all be ok.
She does not judge me about anything, unless of course I have to scold her for some reason, then I have committed a horrible atrocity against animal kind and this is made evident by the droopy ears and downward facing eyes as her head rest on her paws. Because you see, the worst thing I can do is tell her “no” and even, she gets over it pretty quickly. In no time flat she’s licking, wiggling her tail, ready to play and be held again.
All she sees in me is someone to love and someone who loves her in return. It’s that simple to her. She is not haunted by past emotional disappointments, she does not know that humans can be lost and hurt each other both intentionally and unintentionally, she does not feel despair about the state of our world.
She simply lives for the moment. Completely and totally. Sometimes the moment might include noms of some kind, a new squeaky toy, a kitty to chase and play with or a new canine friend to sniff butts with. It’s not that hard for her, there’s no fear in her love for anything or anyone. She just dives right in with totally unbridled abandon, ears a’flopping and tail a wagging. It’s unconditional.
I protect this virtue in her like it’s the Hope Diamond because to me, it’s the most beautiful thing in the world. Her world is limited to me, our cats and a select few humans and 4 legged creatures alike. Selfish? Maybe, but why even risk soiling such a lovely thing as she?
I think to myself, Max must’ve been this way at some point. I was young and inexperienced, I don’t really remember seeing this in him, though I’m sure it existed, because I see it in all children of a certain. I didn’t yet possess the ability to appreciate the moments with him when he was a small child, though if I squeeze my eyes real tight and click my heels together, I can vaguely remember moments of unabashed mother/son bonding that was all about his innocence and unconditional love and mine too. It is true that I see Bailey as my baby, especially since my human baby is off in the world, experiencing life without me. Somehow, Bailey has given me insights into life in general and something about her makes me think of my son an awful lot. Don’t tell him though, he may not appreciate being in the same league as a “dog” – but even he would agree, Bailey is much more than a “dog.” The fact that everyone who meets her instantly falls in love (even a tried and true dog disliker-er LOL) is a testament to how special she is.
I could wax on for hours about her and how amazing I think she is, because that much is plainly obvious. But my message is this:
We could all learn a lot from the likes of Bailey. About how to love without fear, how to live in the moment, how to forgive quickly and be ready to play at a moments notice. And…never to underestimate the irresistible charm of a soft, sweet, googely eyed friend for they are unfettered by your idiot behavior, all they want to do is love you.
Now if only I had the courage to love the way she does. And, in that same note, love HER the same way she loves me because I have brief flashes of panic and fear. My little feelers get triggered in a big way and I feel scared, really truly scared. Not because she does not deserve all the love in the world, but because I am afraid my heart will break if something happens to her and the tears well just thinking about it, so I don’t and I push the thoughts out of my mind and trust the Universe that whatever happens, it will all be ok.
Tuesday, March 09, 2010
Hmmm, time for an updated I suppose eh? Well, I’ll do my best….
Max:
We talk regularly. He seems ok, but I never really know what’s going on which I guess is part of the deal when the baby bird leaves the nest? He is a young man getting to the age where he’s not going to be telling the momma bear all that much to begin with so you KNOW there’s something of interest going on out there that he’s not sharing. Not to mention, I have strong reason to suspect (based on recent conversations) that there isn’t a whole lot of supervision if any at all. In recent weeks he has divulged that he’s gotten a traffic violation that will reap a hefty fine, which he doesn’t have a job to pay for, that he’s failing 3 classes and that he’s spending most nights at his cousin Robin’s house rather than at his dad’s house to which he proudly proclaims “We haven’t done anything TOO stupid yet mom, don’t worry. Robin is 21, he knows what he’s doing”. To which my internal mother voice is screaming “What the hell does that mean, NO ONE knows what they are doing at 21? And is having someone who is legal to purchase alchohol a GOOD thing AND this is where you are spending your time regularly and that’s a GOOD thing?” But I keep her voice quiet, because it’s a dance you know. This whole mothering from afar, it’s definitely an exercise in self control. It’s concerning stuff I know, and while I fear he’s heading toward a downward spiral with out anyone really being there to hold him accountable, I am not loosing hope. That wouldn’t be very motherly now would it? Besides, I believe in him. Plus, if he does fall down? Well, sometimes that’s how it goes when you are a youngster striking out on his own without a lot of supervision. I do worry from time to time that he might do something that might land him in trouble that only he can get himself out of, because no one wants to see that for him. Except, that I’ve had to accept that this is the potential reality and it just might be how he has to learn. I’ll still love him no matter what, he’ll still have a home life with me (even if he can’t live with me if that makes sense) and I would leave him at the mercy of the world without at least someone to talk to and love him the best that I can. Let’s all cross our fingers.
Work:
Wow, work is really…uh complicated at the moment I guess. I am acclimating to my duties and finding that I enjoy them because I’m good at them and I know what I’m doing. I am pretty capable of managing data and files and systems quite well, people? Not so much, but I am learning about how my new duties (as assigned depending on the day LOL) require me to interact with the project managers and ITC’s. So far, I haven’t really blown anything up, and that’s a good sign. Our first production build is tomorrow and I’ve done all that has been requested of me successfully without looking like a fool and really having very little questions because as a developer, I know the applications and code intimately so I have a good idea of what needs to happen .
The data conversion from our previous issue management software is going to be a dog. I’m not looking forward to it. I’m certain that if you fail to learn the lessons of this life, there is a special nerd hell in which you must perform data conversions from out dated systems and structures to shiny new systems and structures and they don’t talk to each nicely at all, so you sit in cube hell and sweat and agonize over mapping the data to the new system forever and it never really quite works out without some kind of manual data manipulations and those data manipulations never really quite work out as expected either so sometimes, but not always, you have to start all over again. Side note: Bill Gates will be there, micro managing and hovering, laughing his fool head off and telling us how we just need to upgrade this and patch that and no, we aren’t allowed to customize unless it’s to MS standard (which changes constantly and no one ever truly knows who is the official authority on this standard) and he’ll have big scary clown shoes on and enormous glasses that make his eyes bug out. Yes, that is my idea of hell.
I am also having some strong internal whisperings about whether this is what I really want and am I comfortable with being pulled out so suddenly of the development realm. I am also a little…well, I feel a little pissed off that I wasn’t really approached about whether this was something I even wanted to take on or would I be interested or anything else in any kind of formal way. It kind of feels like it’s just being dumped on me and here I’ll have massive quantities of responsibility and will be privy to meetings, information and access to everything and anything that only project managers do. In theory, I am now a manager of some kind. Except, so far, still no one has taken me aside and indicated what any of this really means for me in terms of my position in the organization. Which begs so many questions about my future there, like is this going to be my full time position? Is this a promotion? Does anyone care that I was hired to be a developer and suddenly I’m thrown into something much higher level in terms of accountability and responsibility and I’m still making a Jr. Level Developers salary? Obviously, it would be wise to determine whether I am indeed a good fit for this type of responsibility before giving me a raise which I am willing to put the hours in, but part of me wants to know that if this is a raise, I’m not going to STILL be making less money than everyone on the team. Don’t ask me how I know this, I’m not supposed to tell. Anyway, did anyone even think to ask what I might think or how I feel about this? I feel left with many questions, a constantly full queue of work (which I like that part a lot, especially since I’m so good at it, it feels very productive) and this sort of unstable unknown limbo.
That said, I am finding myself really enjoying the work so far and thinking a lot about whether or not this is the path to go down. Clearly, it’s not something I would just walk away from without giving it a solid shot not to mention, my supervisor and most of the project managers are extremely capable and I trust my supervisor a lot. If she feels I’m capable of this, it must mean that I also feel I owe her, I can tell she’s overwhelmed and needs me to do this, she asked me directly. Maybe I’ll get this stuff set up and I’ll do development part of the time, though this stuff could easily be a full time job from what I’m seeing. We’ll see, sometimes once you get the procedures down it frees up your time for other things and all of our marketing sites are my responsibility so I’m going to have to assume that this will still come to me, but they aren’t very complicated at all. Obviously, the conundrum here is clear, but my heart says to just keep plugging along and prepare myself for playing on a different team soon.
Dave:
Big man has also had some recent new career developments. A supervisory position at CDOT has opened up that he’s a) been waiting on for 2 years, b) is more than adequately qualified for and he’s worked with this team before and c) one of his former employees now works there and has offered to recommend him, which as anyone knows, having an “in” is always a leg up. This position would literally double his salary (at the minimum salary listed in the position, which he’d make for the first year and then they’d give him a fairly substantial raise according to this person he knows that works there) and it’s a state job, the benefits kick some serious ass to say the least.
How this has involved me is that he needed to update his non existent resume covering the last 20 years of his employment history and could easily say we spent a solid 12 hours doing so over the course of a week. It was a good lesson for us in how we work together and we learned that when I know what I am doing (i.e…wordsmithing, resume writing, application processing) that he needs to give me the information I need and stand back and let me do my job and interject only when nessisary. And strangley, vice versa….he’s SO good at things that I can’t even wrap my head around like measuring things and putting things together and math.
I sure hope this happens for him. It would make a pretty big difference in his life, this is the kind of job you keep until you retire, I’d like to see him have that.
As for our relationship? Well, it rocks mostly. We’ve had a few ups and downs, mostly having to do with boundaries (big surprise right?) but we seem to work through it well. I really like how well we communicate and he spoils the crap out of me whenever he can. How can a girl NOT like that? He’s a solid mans man type of guy and I find myself enjoying it just fine. I might be a feminist to the very end, but I still like my man to take out the garbage and help me put stuff together and treat me like a princess from time to time. And I’m not ashamed to say it Plus, it’s pretty cool to trust him enough that I feel ok about letting him do/’be these things for me. We worked the dog thing out to btw, that was a small victory I felt. He respected my boundaries around the issue and I gave a little on how often he could be at my house (i.e…on the weekends) I’ll post more pics as time allows.
My Mom:
She moved into her own apartment. She’s filling for divorce. I’m incredibley proud of her. It’s been exhausting and I expect I will have to have to put down some boundaries (ha, there’s that word again) with her while she acclimates to living on her own and in town, but so far, it’s going well. I’m really happy for her. I know this must be SO hard, but she’s really managing well. Now, if I could just stop worrying about her health so much. That would be nice.
More soon, love to you all.
Xo
S
Max:
We talk regularly. He seems ok, but I never really know what’s going on which I guess is part of the deal when the baby bird leaves the nest? He is a young man getting to the age where he’s not going to be telling the momma bear all that much to begin with so you KNOW there’s something of interest going on out there that he’s not sharing. Not to mention, I have strong reason to suspect (based on recent conversations) that there isn’t a whole lot of supervision if any at all. In recent weeks he has divulged that he’s gotten a traffic violation that will reap a hefty fine, which he doesn’t have a job to pay for, that he’s failing 3 classes and that he’s spending most nights at his cousin Robin’s house rather than at his dad’s house to which he proudly proclaims “We haven’t done anything TOO stupid yet mom, don’t worry. Robin is 21, he knows what he’s doing”. To which my internal mother voice is screaming “What the hell does that mean, NO ONE knows what they are doing at 21? And is having someone who is legal to purchase alchohol a GOOD thing AND this is where you are spending your time regularly and that’s a GOOD thing?” But I keep her voice quiet, because it’s a dance you know. This whole mothering from afar, it’s definitely an exercise in self control. It’s concerning stuff I know, and while I fear he’s heading toward a downward spiral with out anyone really being there to hold him accountable, I am not loosing hope. That wouldn’t be very motherly now would it? Besides, I believe in him. Plus, if he does fall down? Well, sometimes that’s how it goes when you are a youngster striking out on his own without a lot of supervision. I do worry from time to time that he might do something that might land him in trouble that only he can get himself out of, because no one wants to see that for him. Except, that I’ve had to accept that this is the potential reality and it just might be how he has to learn. I’ll still love him no matter what, he’ll still have a home life with me (even if he can’t live with me if that makes sense) and I would leave him at the mercy of the world without at least someone to talk to and love him the best that I can. Let’s all cross our fingers.
Work:
Wow, work is really…uh complicated at the moment I guess. I am acclimating to my duties and finding that I enjoy them because I’m good at them and I know what I’m doing. I am pretty capable of managing data and files and systems quite well, people? Not so much, but I am learning about how my new duties (as assigned depending on the day LOL) require me to interact with the project managers and ITC’s. So far, I haven’t really blown anything up, and that’s a good sign. Our first production build is tomorrow and I’ve done all that has been requested of me successfully without looking like a fool and really having very little questions because as a developer, I know the applications and code intimately so I have a good idea of what needs to happen .
The data conversion from our previous issue management software is going to be a dog. I’m not looking forward to it. I’m certain that if you fail to learn the lessons of this life, there is a special nerd hell in which you must perform data conversions from out dated systems and structures to shiny new systems and structures and they don’t talk to each nicely at all, so you sit in cube hell and sweat and agonize over mapping the data to the new system forever and it never really quite works out without some kind of manual data manipulations and those data manipulations never really quite work out as expected either so sometimes, but not always, you have to start all over again. Side note: Bill Gates will be there, micro managing and hovering, laughing his fool head off and telling us how we just need to upgrade this and patch that and no, we aren’t allowed to customize unless it’s to MS standard (which changes constantly and no one ever truly knows who is the official authority on this standard) and he’ll have big scary clown shoes on and enormous glasses that make his eyes bug out. Yes, that is my idea of hell.
I am also having some strong internal whisperings about whether this is what I really want and am I comfortable with being pulled out so suddenly of the development realm. I am also a little…well, I feel a little pissed off that I wasn’t really approached about whether this was something I even wanted to take on or would I be interested or anything else in any kind of formal way. It kind of feels like it’s just being dumped on me and here I’ll have massive quantities of responsibility and will be privy to meetings, information and access to everything and anything that only project managers do. In theory, I am now a manager of some kind. Except, so far, still no one has taken me aside and indicated what any of this really means for me in terms of my position in the organization. Which begs so many questions about my future there, like is this going to be my full time position? Is this a promotion? Does anyone care that I was hired to be a developer and suddenly I’m thrown into something much higher level in terms of accountability and responsibility and I’m still making a Jr. Level Developers salary? Obviously, it would be wise to determine whether I am indeed a good fit for this type of responsibility before giving me a raise which I am willing to put the hours in, but part of me wants to know that if this is a raise, I’m not going to STILL be making less money than everyone on the team. Don’t ask me how I know this, I’m not supposed to tell. Anyway, did anyone even think to ask what I might think or how I feel about this? I feel left with many questions, a constantly full queue of work (which I like that part a lot, especially since I’m so good at it, it feels very productive) and this sort of unstable unknown limbo.
That said, I am finding myself really enjoying the work so far and thinking a lot about whether or not this is the path to go down. Clearly, it’s not something I would just walk away from without giving it a solid shot not to mention, my supervisor and most of the project managers are extremely capable and I trust my supervisor a lot. If she feels I’m capable of this, it must mean that I also feel I owe her, I can tell she’s overwhelmed and needs me to do this, she asked me directly. Maybe I’ll get this stuff set up and I’ll do development part of the time, though this stuff could easily be a full time job from what I’m seeing. We’ll see, sometimes once you get the procedures down it frees up your time for other things and all of our marketing sites are my responsibility so I’m going to have to assume that this will still come to me, but they aren’t very complicated at all. Obviously, the conundrum here is clear, but my heart says to just keep plugging along and prepare myself for playing on a different team soon.
Dave:
Big man has also had some recent new career developments. A supervisory position at CDOT has opened up that he’s a) been waiting on for 2 years, b) is more than adequately qualified for and he’s worked with this team before and c) one of his former employees now works there and has offered to recommend him, which as anyone knows, having an “in” is always a leg up. This position would literally double his salary (at the minimum salary listed in the position, which he’d make for the first year and then they’d give him a fairly substantial raise according to this person he knows that works there) and it’s a state job, the benefits kick some serious ass to say the least.
How this has involved me is that he needed to update his non existent resume covering the last 20 years of his employment history and could easily say we spent a solid 12 hours doing so over the course of a week. It was a good lesson for us in how we work together and we learned that when I know what I am doing (i.e…wordsmithing, resume writing, application processing) that he needs to give me the information I need and stand back and let me do my job and interject only when nessisary. And strangley, vice versa….he’s SO good at things that I can’t even wrap my head around like measuring things and putting things together and math.
I sure hope this happens for him. It would make a pretty big difference in his life, this is the kind of job you keep until you retire, I’d like to see him have that.
As for our relationship? Well, it rocks mostly. We’ve had a few ups and downs, mostly having to do with boundaries (big surprise right?) but we seem to work through it well. I really like how well we communicate and he spoils the crap out of me whenever he can. How can a girl NOT like that? He’s a solid mans man type of guy and I find myself enjoying it just fine. I might be a feminist to the very end, but I still like my man to take out the garbage and help me put stuff together and treat me like a princess from time to time. And I’m not ashamed to say it Plus, it’s pretty cool to trust him enough that I feel ok about letting him do/’be these things for me. We worked the dog thing out to btw, that was a small victory I felt. He respected my boundaries around the issue and I gave a little on how often he could be at my house (i.e…on the weekends) I’ll post more pics as time allows.
My Mom:
She moved into her own apartment. She’s filling for divorce. I’m incredibley proud of her. It’s been exhausting and I expect I will have to have to put down some boundaries (ha, there’s that word again) with her while she acclimates to living on her own and in town, but so far, it’s going well. I’m really happy for her. I know this must be SO hard, but she’s really managing well. Now, if I could just stop worrying about her health so much. That would be nice.
More soon, love to you all.
Xo
S
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