Weekend:
Went to visit Mary. Will not recap that in as to respect her privacy. It is always lovely to see her, Daniel popped in for a bit. He’s grown so much. What a man he’s become. I remember when he was 7 years old and acting as the ring bearer for their wedding. Sigh.
Friday night Colleen and Dave came over, drank some wine, watched “Office Space”. Laughed, giggled and then there was a knock at the door. Will not recap this in detail either because it’s pretty disturbing, but a cat was hit by a car and it went under my neighbor’s car to die. I pulled him out because everyone else was too much of a wuss to touch him, which I later regretted because I cannot get the image out of my mind. Obvious internal damage, so I started crying and Dave and the neighbor guy scooped him up and put him in a bag for animal control. Blah.
Saturday we went pumpkin shopping and rented a bunch of movies complete with candy and popcorn. My pumpkin turned out like ass, Dave’s looks awesome. Guys are better at using knives I’ve learned.
Sunday, slept in and watched movies. The new season of Dexter rocks.
This week looks a bit on the nutty side, Halloweenie is Saturday and there is much preparation to be done! Both at home and at work. Cleaning, shopping (I’m cooking up a feast!) and more decorating. Should be fun. Pics will be posted of that for sure!
Monday, October 26, 2009
Thursday, October 22, 2009
BOO!
This is one of those days I dread at work. Production Build days DOOODELY DOOOOOOOOO! Skerry. Everyone runs around with their jaws clenched and forced smiles and you can just see the buildings blowing up and smoke rising all around you as you walk through the office. This energy not only affects the admin folks, it gets everyone’s panties up in a wad and I, for one, think everyone not impacted by this should get the day off. Everyone gets snippy with each other because someone was snippy to them. It’s like a red hot set of dominos, tumbling down the hill and burning everyone in its path.
I am personally cheesed because SOMEONE (you know who you are fun natzi’s) blocked Facebook and now the firewall hates me. Is ok Firewall, I don’t really like you all that much either. I know you don’t care that I spend most of my waking hours in this office toiling away for the benefit of phone books everywhere and you aren’t concerned that things like Facebook and LOLCats might be my only source of happiness in between the before mentioned toiling. I know you think that anything having to do with Paganism is truly to terrifying or subversive for me to be reading and therefore you must protect me and my employer. Surely they don’t want some witchy woman looking up spells to cast on her general manager during her lunch hour because everyone knows that’s what we do, us crazzzzy pagan researchers….we walk around flippantly casting spells and worshipping Satan and sacrificing small children and bunnies. Kittens and puppies too. Oh yes, believe it! Clearly, a horrifying force is at work if I am looking up the exact dates of the solstice and moon phases. It is quite obvious I am up to no good at all and must be stopped.
Boogedy boogedy boo!
See, the flaming dominos fell my way and I erupted. It’s a nasty thing I tell you, all that negative energy floating around the office. I feel like we could all spontaneously combust at any moment.
Luckily, I plan to defuse all that raging fire by going home and fluffing up my nest a little and playing with the smooshy faced one. I see….hot tea and puppies in my future. A clean house, incense and perhaps…OH JUST MAYBE….I’ll start coloring my bumble bee’s :)
I am personally cheesed because SOMEONE (you know who you are fun natzi’s) blocked Facebook and now the firewall hates me. Is ok Firewall, I don’t really like you all that much either. I know you don’t care that I spend most of my waking hours in this office toiling away for the benefit of phone books everywhere and you aren’t concerned that things like Facebook and LOLCats might be my only source of happiness in between the before mentioned toiling. I know you think that anything having to do with Paganism is truly to terrifying or subversive for me to be reading and therefore you must protect me and my employer. Surely they don’t want some witchy woman looking up spells to cast on her general manager during her lunch hour because everyone knows that’s what we do, us crazzzzy pagan researchers….we walk around flippantly casting spells and worshipping Satan and sacrificing small children and bunnies. Kittens and puppies too. Oh yes, believe it! Clearly, a horrifying force is at work if I am looking up the exact dates of the solstice and moon phases. It is quite obvious I am up to no good at all and must be stopped.
Boogedy boogedy boo!
See, the flaming dominos fell my way and I erupted. It’s a nasty thing I tell you, all that negative energy floating around the office. I feel like we could all spontaneously combust at any moment.
Luckily, I plan to defuse all that raging fire by going home and fluffing up my nest a little and playing with the smooshy faced one. I see….hot tea and puppies in my future. A clean house, incense and perhaps…OH JUST MAYBE….I’ll start coloring my bumble bee’s :)
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
I’m in high spirits today, even though J & C are moving to Utah for certain. I’m ok with it, but I will miss them. J and I have been friends for 20+ years in spite of our vast differences. It seems like a minor miracle actually because we really get on each other’s nerves and C and I went through several rough patches through the years also. Regardless, I will miss them and that baby. Evan is 4 now, unbelievable. I remember changing his little butt and rocking him to sleep many a night. I remember him trying to pull Sandy’s huge hoop earrings out of her ears and her realizing then and there that she would need to give those earrings up should she decide to have children. I also have a lot of fond memories with Max, J, C, and the whole crew. There for a while, we were thick as thieves. Ah, the people we love that come and go in our lives. The experience of learning how to love and release them is a challenging one, but one I’m getting better at navigating.
There are bats, pumpkins, ghosts and Frankenstein’s all over my house. I love Halloween. It appeals to that little girl in me that likes to play dress up and be silly. There will be bumble bee’s a buzzing, that’s for sure. Bailey looks ridiculously adorable in her bee suit, it’s almost unbearable. Mom and Jim might come down for Halloween with their dogs. Sillyness will ensue if that’s the case, Bailey loves everyone. Especially other dogs.
In other Bailey news, she was 8 months yesterday and I fear we are facing the terrible adolescents soon. Didn’t I just get one of those OUT of my house dammit? She’s starting some new behaviors, namely the whining and thinking it’s cool to chase the cats all over the house and throw her bones at them. She’s also become very verbal as of late, which I enjoy very much. She’s a pretty active talker and I spend a lot of time giggling over her little sounds. I’ve been close to animals my whole life, but this little girl is special and I am bonded to her in such a way that I can’t even stand the idea of being away from her very long. Luckily, she’s very mobile and easy to tote around with me. She doesn’t care for the car much I’ve noticed. Unless she’s sitting on my lap with her head out the window, causing a hazard for us and everyone else on the road. Nice.
The best news of the day tho is that Matty’s tests have come back negative for cancer. I don’t have the words other then to say that I love him and I am grateful for his recovery.
This news got me pondering the very significance of life and how each and every one of us is experiencing some kind of seemingly trauamatic situation at any given moment, but things like cancer and tsunamis’ can come along at any time and give us cause for consideration if we are lucky enough to make it in the first place. I dare say it got me out of my own head for a moment, just long enough to catch a glimpse of the many blessings in my life, which in turn, brought me back to life. I need to remember these things when I’m wallowing.
Love to you all
Xo
S
There are bats, pumpkins, ghosts and Frankenstein’s all over my house. I love Halloween. It appeals to that little girl in me that likes to play dress up and be silly. There will be bumble bee’s a buzzing, that’s for sure. Bailey looks ridiculously adorable in her bee suit, it’s almost unbearable. Mom and Jim might come down for Halloween with their dogs. Sillyness will ensue if that’s the case, Bailey loves everyone. Especially other dogs.
In other Bailey news, she was 8 months yesterday and I fear we are facing the terrible adolescents soon. Didn’t I just get one of those OUT of my house dammit? She’s starting some new behaviors, namely the whining and thinking it’s cool to chase the cats all over the house and throw her bones at them. She’s also become very verbal as of late, which I enjoy very much. She’s a pretty active talker and I spend a lot of time giggling over her little sounds. I’ve been close to animals my whole life, but this little girl is special and I am bonded to her in such a way that I can’t even stand the idea of being away from her very long. Luckily, she’s very mobile and easy to tote around with me. She doesn’t care for the car much I’ve noticed. Unless she’s sitting on my lap with her head out the window, causing a hazard for us and everyone else on the road. Nice.
The best news of the day tho is that Matty’s tests have come back negative for cancer. I don’t have the words other then to say that I love him and I am grateful for his recovery.
This news got me pondering the very significance of life and how each and every one of us is experiencing some kind of seemingly trauamatic situation at any given moment, but things like cancer and tsunamis’ can come along at any time and give us cause for consideration if we are lucky enough to make it in the first place. I dare say it got me out of my own head for a moment, just long enough to catch a glimpse of the many blessings in my life, which in turn, brought me back to life. I need to remember these things when I’m wallowing.
Love to you all
Xo
S
Monday, October 19, 2009
Happy To Report....
I’m happy to report that today is a much better day and that’s saying something for a Monday morning! I had a lovely, productive weekend full of playing with leaves (achoo, achoo, cough, cough), decorating for Halloween, watching scary movies that gave me nightmares (went to see “Paranormal Activity”) and eating lots of green chili and cheese. Yeah buddy. More to report as time allows, for now, see the following of Bailey from Saturday….my beloved little mogwai:
Thursday, October 15, 2009
How I Am...
I hadn’t realized folks were actually reading my blog again, so I guess I’d better consider that when it’s not been updated in a while
Everyone keeps asking “How are you?”
This is a fairly innocuous question I know, so I typically answer it that way. How are you today, Sarah?” Oh I’m fine, my life is just in total upheaval and I feel a little insane, but really….I’m fine. Nothing to see here.
The truth is that if I told people how I really am, they would receive a laundry list of TMI’s (too much information) and I’d be babbling and close to tears before they put their hands up and said “no more”. In a nutshell, this is how I am:
I am concerned/worried/anxious for the people I love and for myself.
I am depressed.
I am exhausted.
I am angry.
I am hurt.
I am sad because I feel lost and unfamiliar inside.
I have something called “tonsillitis” which is going to require that my tonsils be removed at some point and I was home sick with that for a few days, let’s hope if those actually come out, I’ll come out of all this illness that constantly seems to surround me. I know it’s all related to the internal sadness and heartbreaks and depression of recent years, but unfortunately, this is a real physical thing that is going to require actual medical intervention or I will continue to get chronic sinus/ear infections and strep throat at least once a year. I can handle an hour under the scalpel if removing those little bastards will make all that crud go away, or at the very least, lessen the intensity of it all.
I find myself torn between wanting to talk with people about what is going on in my life and wanting to discuss only surface things. Discussing surface things allows us all to pretend that my personal life isn’t in a huge upheaval and gets my mind off of myself for a while and I like that, a lot. I also do care, very deeply, about those I love and even though I’m this horribly self-absorbed person in recent years, I still do care, very much.
Discussing the bigger stuff feels more rewarding (as I’ve always preferred that) but I can only do that with a certain few people because the truth is, there really isn’t anything anyone else can do and sometimes when people try to help, I end up feeling worse. I’m on this journey all by my lonesome, no one can “fix” this, no matter how good their intentions. I get tired of talking about it, and sometimes I really need to talk about it. I have to appreciate the good days for all their worth and find the strength and courage to pull myself up on the bad days and I don’t always do a good job of either.
I am both pushing away and pulling on people at the same time. I am concerning the people in my life who genuinely do care about me and irritating those who don’t me well enough to be concerned.
My triggers are triggering like crazy and I’m fighting them just as hard and it’s a freaking struggle every day.
I feel no real desire to be social with anyone and doing so feels draining, but I do it anyway because I am glad for it afterward.
Being at home with my doggeh and in bed sound really good most of the time. She demands very little and gives me nothing but love, even in the form of her little nibbles.
So, as you can see, I’m a hot hot mess at the moment. I feel like a crazy person. Really.
The good news is that I am seriously loved. I mean really, hugely, ginormously supported and loved by so many people it sometimes makes my head spin. I have more gratitude for this then I can express.
My conversations with Max get easier and more familiar every time and he’s even talking about spending Thanksgiving at my house.
The weekend is on its way and I have lots of Halloween things planned. Pumpkin/costume shopping mainly. Bailey and I are going to be bumble bee’s. It’s going to be a good Halloween this year.
Everyone keeps asking “How are you?”
This is a fairly innocuous question I know, so I typically answer it that way. How are you today, Sarah?” Oh I’m fine, my life is just in total upheaval and I feel a little insane, but really….I’m fine. Nothing to see here.
The truth is that if I told people how I really am, they would receive a laundry list of TMI’s (too much information) and I’d be babbling and close to tears before they put their hands up and said “no more”. In a nutshell, this is how I am:
I am concerned/worried/anxious for the people I love and for myself.
I am depressed.
I am exhausted.
I am angry.
I am hurt.
I am sad because I feel lost and unfamiliar inside.
I have something called “tonsillitis” which is going to require that my tonsils be removed at some point and I was home sick with that for a few days, let’s hope if those actually come out, I’ll come out of all this illness that constantly seems to surround me. I know it’s all related to the internal sadness and heartbreaks and depression of recent years, but unfortunately, this is a real physical thing that is going to require actual medical intervention or I will continue to get chronic sinus/ear infections and strep throat at least once a year. I can handle an hour under the scalpel if removing those little bastards will make all that crud go away, or at the very least, lessen the intensity of it all.
I find myself torn between wanting to talk with people about what is going on in my life and wanting to discuss only surface things. Discussing surface things allows us all to pretend that my personal life isn’t in a huge upheaval and gets my mind off of myself for a while and I like that, a lot. I also do care, very deeply, about those I love and even though I’m this horribly self-absorbed person in recent years, I still do care, very much.
Discussing the bigger stuff feels more rewarding (as I’ve always preferred that) but I can only do that with a certain few people because the truth is, there really isn’t anything anyone else can do and sometimes when people try to help, I end up feeling worse. I’m on this journey all by my lonesome, no one can “fix” this, no matter how good their intentions. I get tired of talking about it, and sometimes I really need to talk about it. I have to appreciate the good days for all their worth and find the strength and courage to pull myself up on the bad days and I don’t always do a good job of either.
I am both pushing away and pulling on people at the same time. I am concerning the people in my life who genuinely do care about me and irritating those who don’t me well enough to be concerned.
My triggers are triggering like crazy and I’m fighting them just as hard and it’s a freaking struggle every day.
I feel no real desire to be social with anyone and doing so feels draining, but I do it anyway because I am glad for it afterward.
Being at home with my doggeh and in bed sound really good most of the time. She demands very little and gives me nothing but love, even in the form of her little nibbles.
So, as you can see, I’m a hot hot mess at the moment. I feel like a crazy person. Really.
The good news is that I am seriously loved. I mean really, hugely, ginormously supported and loved by so many people it sometimes makes my head spin. I have more gratitude for this then I can express.
My conversations with Max get easier and more familiar every time and he’s even talking about spending Thanksgiving at my house.
The weekend is on its way and I have lots of Halloween things planned. Pumpkin/costume shopping mainly. Bailey and I are going to be bumble bee’s. It’s going to be a good Halloween this year.
Thursday, October 08, 2009
Apathy
A notable lack of passion about much of anything today. Some laughter though. I sneezed at my desk and pistachio went everywhere. Then I was laughing and sneezing and cleaning pistachio bits and snot off my monitor. That was pretty funny. The dog peed in the house this morning (winter weather brings a new set of challenges with potty training) and I felt myself going through the range of motions…oh no, what if this becomes a problem? Why would she do that after she was just outside? Freaking dog, now I have to wash my comforter again….grrrrrr.
Otherwise, I’m just sort of like meh…whatevs. Maybe it’s the weather. It’s freezing and rainy and supposed to snow tonight. I’m really tired today too, not a lot of sleep last night. Dreams keep coming in waves. They all seem to involve Max on trains, air plane crashes, being lost in New York City or driving off a cliff. They can be pretty startling, last night I woke up after the lost in NYC dream. The buildings are huge, you can’t see any sky and they are all very looming. I don’t envision NYC like this at all, in fact, it’s somewhere I’d like to visit one day. But, in my dreams…it’s a scary place for some reason.
Anyway, back to work. Blah, don’t even care about that today. I’d rather be at home, under the covers with the pee pee dog.
Otherwise, I’m just sort of like meh…whatevs. Maybe it’s the weather. It’s freezing and rainy and supposed to snow tonight. I’m really tired today too, not a lot of sleep last night. Dreams keep coming in waves. They all seem to involve Max on trains, air plane crashes, being lost in New York City or driving off a cliff. They can be pretty startling, last night I woke up after the lost in NYC dream. The buildings are huge, you can’t see any sky and they are all very looming. I don’t envision NYC like this at all, in fact, it’s somewhere I’d like to visit one day. But, in my dreams…it’s a scary place for some reason.
Anyway, back to work. Blah, don’t even care about that today. I’d rather be at home, under the covers with the pee pee dog.
Wednesday, October 07, 2009
Really?
Please don’t come to work if you are sick. If you have a fever, you shouldn’t be here. If someone in your family has the flu, you are supposed to stay home. That’s what everyone is saying. Please cut those of us with no PTO time left a friggen break.
Tuesday, October 06, 2009
I find that I really am good for only about 7 hours of solid work each day, that’s with an hour long lunch. My brain just can’t crunch much longer without getting distracted and/or overloaded.
I find that I have days where I am increasingly frustrated with people who just can’t take me seriously no matter how much I prove that I am NOT a bubble head. This is how I came out of the womb people. If the blonde hair, sparkly personality and giggling voice are just too much for you then that’s just too damn bad. Maybe YOU just have a giant bug up your butt, did that ever occur to you? And think of it, I’m mildly depressed at the moment and I’m STILL a giggle puss. Just imagine how obnoxious I am when I’m really happy. Put THAT bug up your butt and smoke it.
I find that no matter how hard I try, I just can’t go a single day without eating cheese. It’s like torture and life is too short for self-inflicted torture. The world hands out plenty of that for us.
I find that there really isn’t anything in the world like a best friend. The ones who know you well enough to know when and how to break down your walks and get to the point, without hurting your feelings or taking it personally. The ones who will bring you Nyquill and 7Up when you are sick. The kind that you can trust to watch your children or animals or plants if you go out of town. The kind that love you no matter how full of shit you might be on any given day. I know they must only come along a few times in a life time if ever, I’ve definitely been blessed in the “girlz” department.
I find that the men in my office really are insufferable, but I am fond of them nonetheless because even the jack-asses become your brothers given enough time and lunches.
I find myself thinking of a new tattoo more then I probably should.
I find that I have days where I am increasingly frustrated with people who just can’t take me seriously no matter how much I prove that I am NOT a bubble head. This is how I came out of the womb people. If the blonde hair, sparkly personality and giggling voice are just too much for you then that’s just too damn bad. Maybe YOU just have a giant bug up your butt, did that ever occur to you? And think of it, I’m mildly depressed at the moment and I’m STILL a giggle puss. Just imagine how obnoxious I am when I’m really happy. Put THAT bug up your butt and smoke it.
I find that no matter how hard I try, I just can’t go a single day without eating cheese. It’s like torture and life is too short for self-inflicted torture. The world hands out plenty of that for us.
I find that there really isn’t anything in the world like a best friend. The ones who know you well enough to know when and how to break down your walks and get to the point, without hurting your feelings or taking it personally. The ones who will bring you Nyquill and 7Up when you are sick. The kind that you can trust to watch your children or animals or plants if you go out of town. The kind that love you no matter how full of shit you might be on any given day. I know they must only come along a few times in a life time if ever, I’ve definitely been blessed in the “girlz” department.
I find that the men in my office really are insufferable, but I am fond of them nonetheless because even the jack-asses become your brothers given enough time and lunches.
I find myself thinking of a new tattoo more then I probably should.
Monday, October 05, 2009
Assery
I’m happy to report that I am definitely feeling better. At first, I was pretty cheesed at the idea of spending the weekend sneezing, coughing and blowing my nose. And missing the corn maze with Crystal and Dane, but I’m glad I was a good girl and stayed in bed. I must’ve slept at least 10 hours each night and lots of naps each day, which is always something one can appreciate.
In other news, I’d just like to report that Sean is a total ass. I can’t even believe the kind of assery he thinks he can get away with. It is unbelievable that a 40 year old man behaves in this manner, but then again, THIS particular 40 year old man has yet to disappoint me in the assery department. That said, last Thursday went a little something like this:
I’m working from home with what turned out to be the worst of the cold/sinus crap last week (thank goodness) and I start getting all these nasty texts from Max telling me I need to get the state to stop taking money of his dad’s checks and who do I think I am still trying to collect, etc…etc…etc…
HUH?
a) Why in the heck is Max even involved in this conversation?
b) Max obviously doesn’t have all the details, that is very clear by what he was saying and it was basically Sean’s words being regurgitated from my baby’s mouth.
c) I have done everything I am supposed to do revoke the child support order, Sean was the one slacking in getting the required information to my employer and the state regarding Max’s health insurance. I am not even getting checks any more and haven’t since August
I catch my breath and try to explain to Max calmly that he shouldn’t even be involved in this conversation, period the end and that Sean and I need to discuss this directly. Which, for the record, I have called Sean and left a voice mail regarding this issue at least 4 different times now. I figured there are just only so many attempts one can make before ones says hey, I’ve done my due diligence, it’s on you now buddy.
Max is just irate (I’m assuming because Sean was probably being a huge jerk to Max as a result of this issue, which is never even should’ve gotten this far anyway, but I digress) and insists I call Sean immediately and resolve this. So, I suck up my pride and call Sean. He begins the conversation by accusing me of trying to black mail him, that I am trying to scam him because that is the kind of shady person I am.
Explanation: Sean has always insisted I am out for his money. Ha, what money? But anyway, when I got pregnant with Max and decided I was going to have this baby, he immediately began accusing me of trying to trap him and make him support me and Max. It just went south from that point on.
Anyway, Sean continues to berate, accuse, disrespect and threaten me until I finally yell back at him to let me speak. He hangs up. Calls me back 5 minutes later and is acting just as crazy, if not more. He will not let me get a word in edgewise to explain what is going on, he hangs up on me again. He calls back a few minutes later and is literally screaming into the phone and then he did it, he threatened me physically and I hung up on him.
That said, I then spent the next 2 hours making phone calls and found out that the state and my employer had literally just received the day before the paper work Sean should’ve sent over a month ago. Meanwhile, Max is continuing to send me snarky texts and act as if this is all my doing. Like on purpose, like I’m trying to make things harder for them or something. Finally, I had to clearly tell Max to back off of me and to stay out of it. Which he seemed to respect and I felt really bad for the poor kid, all this war between his parents. That must suck
I send Sean a text and explain to him what’s going on (he’ll be reimbursed with all the support they took out of his check for September) and called it day. I get a text from him later that night saying “Thanks for your cooperation?” What? Are you freaking high dood? I was never being uncooperative to begin with. In fact, I’ve been pretty compliant over all with this situation. There is something very seriously wrong with this person. I know this for sure, if he threatens me like that again, I will get a restraining order. I won’t have a choice. And his behavior does nothing to reassure me that my son is safe. Not to mention what Max must be hearing about me. I know how scary Sean can be when he’s in that head space. Max is not used to that kind of crazy. My cup of crazy is only half full, Sean’s is over flowing. I’ve once never gone around putting my fists through walls, breaking windows and screaming obscenities at the top of my lungs. I’m not saying Sean is doing this with my son in the house, but based on how he was talking to me…that’s exactly what I envisioned, or worse. After all, we are talking about someone who never had a problem hitting me while I was pregnant and grabbing Max out of my arms so he could beat the hell out of me.
Yes, I get it that this stuff is going to bring up a lot of trauma from our history. Sean has put me through a lot at a very young age and I get it that some of my reactions to this might be post traumatic stress stuff. I can accept all that. But I have to be strong and maintain some sense of sanity between us for Max. I have to find a way to overcome all that fight or flight stuff that comes up for me when Sean starts the threats and manipulations, because when he is yelling at me like that, I am literally shaking with both rage and fear. I hate that I’m still scared of him, I hate that I’m not “better” in this regard, I’m 33 years old after all. I should have better coping skills then this right? Cripes.
Anyway, I think things are “ok” between Max and I. I’ve gotten a few emails from him, strangley though, all asking me for money. I’m undecided on how to handle the money thing. On the one hand, I think Sean should be responsible for all of Max’s financial needs. I did it for 15 years without a dime from Sean, surely he can figure it out for the next 11 months until Max turns 18? On the other hand, I don’t want my son to suffer for it either. Though, it has been pointed out to me that maybe Max needs to see the results of his choices just as I have to bare the burden of my own. That maybe bailing him out right now isn’t the best thing, even though my little mommy heart strings are all a flutter and full of worry.
Ugh. Well, at least I know Sean is consistently and ass. My rational side says he’s feeling threatened too, he’s probably overwhelmed also, he has zero ability to have conflict resolution in any kind of way and even less ability to parent and manage his own stress. The other side of me, the part that is tired of letting him intimidate me, just says “He’s an ASS, that’s just the way it is and when someone acts that way, you treat them that way.” It’s like dealing with a big giant toddler throwing a fit. Kristen said: “You know Sarah, all you can do is live your life and do the best you can. Sean is going to be an asshole today and tomorrow and the day after that.” That made me laugh, gawd I love that woman. She has a fair amount of experience in this department, her baby daddy and Sean used to be best friends. So you can imagine what kind of guy Bethany’s dad is, just as bad, worse in some ways. Kristen always handles it with a lot of grace and strength, so I shall look to her and my many other resources when I feel overcome by the madness of all of this.
Sigh. Glad that day is over. Cheers to the many more to come. Not.
M’s surgery is tomorrow. Of course, I’m trying not to worry or panic because she’s really freaking tough and brave. But I love her and I won’t feel ok until she’s out of surgery and safe and sound. So, extra big ju ju out for her tomorrow.
I miss Crystal, I am pissed I still haven’t seen her. What a sucky friend I am right now. To everyone it feels like. I’m just sort of floating through the days. Sometimes it goes by so fast I’m like WHOA, it’s what day already? Other times, it drags and I feel like I’m living in slow motion. I feel much more clear headed today though, for the first time in a few weeks now so that’s good.
I’m very nervous about my review coming up. This summer wasn’t exactly kind in terms of hours and my ability to focus. I’ve had better summers, that’s for sure. Cross your fingers on that review, probably some time in November. Nancy is on vacation next week and that’s when she’s doing them. I told her I’d give her rum money if she promised to drink it will doing my review.
That’s all for now. Love to you all.
S
In other news, I’d just like to report that Sean is a total ass. I can’t even believe the kind of assery he thinks he can get away with. It is unbelievable that a 40 year old man behaves in this manner, but then again, THIS particular 40 year old man has yet to disappoint me in the assery department. That said, last Thursday went a little something like this:
I’m working from home with what turned out to be the worst of the cold/sinus crap last week (thank goodness) and I start getting all these nasty texts from Max telling me I need to get the state to stop taking money of his dad’s checks and who do I think I am still trying to collect, etc…etc…etc…
HUH?
a) Why in the heck is Max even involved in this conversation?
b) Max obviously doesn’t have all the details, that is very clear by what he was saying and it was basically Sean’s words being regurgitated from my baby’s mouth.
c) I have done everything I am supposed to do revoke the child support order, Sean was the one slacking in getting the required information to my employer and the state regarding Max’s health insurance. I am not even getting checks any more and haven’t since August
I catch my breath and try to explain to Max calmly that he shouldn’t even be involved in this conversation, period the end and that Sean and I need to discuss this directly. Which, for the record, I have called Sean and left a voice mail regarding this issue at least 4 different times now. I figured there are just only so many attempts one can make before ones says hey, I’ve done my due diligence, it’s on you now buddy.
Max is just irate (I’m assuming because Sean was probably being a huge jerk to Max as a result of this issue, which is never even should’ve gotten this far anyway, but I digress) and insists I call Sean immediately and resolve this. So, I suck up my pride and call Sean. He begins the conversation by accusing me of trying to black mail him, that I am trying to scam him because that is the kind of shady person I am.
Explanation: Sean has always insisted I am out for his money. Ha, what money? But anyway, when I got pregnant with Max and decided I was going to have this baby, he immediately began accusing me of trying to trap him and make him support me and Max. It just went south from that point on.
Anyway, Sean continues to berate, accuse, disrespect and threaten me until I finally yell back at him to let me speak. He hangs up. Calls me back 5 minutes later and is acting just as crazy, if not more. He will not let me get a word in edgewise to explain what is going on, he hangs up on me again. He calls back a few minutes later and is literally screaming into the phone and then he did it, he threatened me physically and I hung up on him.
That said, I then spent the next 2 hours making phone calls and found out that the state and my employer had literally just received the day before the paper work Sean should’ve sent over a month ago. Meanwhile, Max is continuing to send me snarky texts and act as if this is all my doing. Like on purpose, like I’m trying to make things harder for them or something. Finally, I had to clearly tell Max to back off of me and to stay out of it. Which he seemed to respect and I felt really bad for the poor kid, all this war between his parents. That must suck
I send Sean a text and explain to him what’s going on (he’ll be reimbursed with all the support they took out of his check for September) and called it day. I get a text from him later that night saying “Thanks for your cooperation?” What? Are you freaking high dood? I was never being uncooperative to begin with. In fact, I’ve been pretty compliant over all with this situation. There is something very seriously wrong with this person. I know this for sure, if he threatens me like that again, I will get a restraining order. I won’t have a choice. And his behavior does nothing to reassure me that my son is safe. Not to mention what Max must be hearing about me. I know how scary Sean can be when he’s in that head space. Max is not used to that kind of crazy. My cup of crazy is only half full, Sean’s is over flowing. I’ve once never gone around putting my fists through walls, breaking windows and screaming obscenities at the top of my lungs. I’m not saying Sean is doing this with my son in the house, but based on how he was talking to me…that’s exactly what I envisioned, or worse. After all, we are talking about someone who never had a problem hitting me while I was pregnant and grabbing Max out of my arms so he could beat the hell out of me.
Yes, I get it that this stuff is going to bring up a lot of trauma from our history. Sean has put me through a lot at a very young age and I get it that some of my reactions to this might be post traumatic stress stuff. I can accept all that. But I have to be strong and maintain some sense of sanity between us for Max. I have to find a way to overcome all that fight or flight stuff that comes up for me when Sean starts the threats and manipulations, because when he is yelling at me like that, I am literally shaking with both rage and fear. I hate that I’m still scared of him, I hate that I’m not “better” in this regard, I’m 33 years old after all. I should have better coping skills then this right? Cripes.
Anyway, I think things are “ok” between Max and I. I’ve gotten a few emails from him, strangley though, all asking me for money. I’m undecided on how to handle the money thing. On the one hand, I think Sean should be responsible for all of Max’s financial needs. I did it for 15 years without a dime from Sean, surely he can figure it out for the next 11 months until Max turns 18? On the other hand, I don’t want my son to suffer for it either. Though, it has been pointed out to me that maybe Max needs to see the results of his choices just as I have to bare the burden of my own. That maybe bailing him out right now isn’t the best thing, even though my little mommy heart strings are all a flutter and full of worry.
Ugh. Well, at least I know Sean is consistently and ass. My rational side says he’s feeling threatened too, he’s probably overwhelmed also, he has zero ability to have conflict resolution in any kind of way and even less ability to parent and manage his own stress. The other side of me, the part that is tired of letting him intimidate me, just says “He’s an ASS, that’s just the way it is and when someone acts that way, you treat them that way.” It’s like dealing with a big giant toddler throwing a fit. Kristen said: “You know Sarah, all you can do is live your life and do the best you can. Sean is going to be an asshole today and tomorrow and the day after that.” That made me laugh, gawd I love that woman. She has a fair amount of experience in this department, her baby daddy and Sean used to be best friends. So you can imagine what kind of guy Bethany’s dad is, just as bad, worse in some ways. Kristen always handles it with a lot of grace and strength, so I shall look to her and my many other resources when I feel overcome by the madness of all of this.
Sigh. Glad that day is over. Cheers to the many more to come. Not.
M’s surgery is tomorrow. Of course, I’m trying not to worry or panic because she’s really freaking tough and brave. But I love her and I won’t feel ok until she’s out of surgery and safe and sound. So, extra big ju ju out for her tomorrow.
I miss Crystal, I am pissed I still haven’t seen her. What a sucky friend I am right now. To everyone it feels like. I’m just sort of floating through the days. Sometimes it goes by so fast I’m like WHOA, it’s what day already? Other times, it drags and I feel like I’m living in slow motion. I feel much more clear headed today though, for the first time in a few weeks now so that’s good.
I’m very nervous about my review coming up. This summer wasn’t exactly kind in terms of hours and my ability to focus. I’ve had better summers, that’s for sure. Cross your fingers on that review, probably some time in November. Nancy is on vacation next week and that’s when she’s doing them. I told her I’d give her rum money if she promised to drink it will doing my review.
That’s all for now. Love to you all.
S
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