Never Again

I just got done taking my dog to the animal rescue because I can no longer meet her needs. I just got done taking my dog to a rescue where she's going to be spayed, operated on and sent to a new home and she'll be doing all of this without her momma. She's going to be scared and alone. I couldn't even look at her on the way down there because I feel a very strong need to remain composed in this situation and acknowledging her would crumble any remaining ability I have to do so. I've been trying to avoid her for days because when I look her in the eyes I fall apart. I didn't even get to say goodbye and she was so overwhelmed that she immediately went into insane mode and she was isolated immediately. It may very well be one of the coldest and most heartless things I feel I've ever done.

I will miss her so much. I feel I've faced more than my share of "unfair" things in the past 9 months of my life and this ranks up there in the top 10, that's for sure. I loved this dog. Everyone knows why I feel this thing with Kasha was incredibly unfair, no need to rehash the gory details. And everyone knows why she is where she is and it is not because I am irresponsible. If anything, it's because I am responsible enough to do the right thing even when it hurts like freaking hell. I could just throttle somebody though, sometimes I wonder how much suffering one person can endure based on things that are totally out of that persons control. For how long will this linger?

I keep telling myself Kasha is going to find a great home, that this is the right thing for everyone, that Gaia and Pumpkin will no longer be terrorized and attacked and that Kasha will be getting the medical care she needs to have a long and happy life. I will repeat it like a mantra until I believe it and this hole in my soul fills up again. Because right now I feel sick, like I might throw up sick.

I will keep her in a vision of a white protective circle around her and know that the outcomes will be positive for all of us.