Our development environment is basically down at work today and what happens when an application development shop doesn't have access to it's development files? Yep, you guessed it: No work gets done! Not a lick and I feel for our network admins, because they have to rebuild the servers and reinstall everything and then pull from the back up to re-establish all the network files and shares. What a pain. SOMEONE is going to pulling long hours this weekend. Poor guys.
This happens about twice a year here. Last time we were down for about 3 business days, this time it's looking like more of the same. There's really nothing that can be done, it happens all the time, all over cyber space. Servers go down, hardware blows up and users unwittingly corrupted code/data/files. It happens. What can you do? *shrug*
And, on top of this technical issue, we have about half of our staff out this afternoon. It's not uncommon around here, I tend to leave pretty early on Fridays also unless I'm wickedly busy. So it's ultra quiet in here. And what do the bored remaining employee's do with their time? Play Suduko online, chat with friends and co-workers, clean out their desks/desktops, etc....I'd prefer to just go home, but I can't yet. Waiting for the one issue I could work on today to be moved to production.
In the midst of all of this downtime and silence, the co-worker to co-worker chatting has begun. I work with a man named Vadim, his Russian accent is thick and like me, he is very very white, stocky and light hair/eyes. He joked with me that if I didn't speak (western accent) I could easily pass for Russian if I were to visit. I told him that might be hard, I speak. Sarah speak alot :)
Anyway, he stopped by my cube and we started blabbing on about what not and life and out of nowhere he said "Sarah, you deserve and award or a medal or something." I nervously giggled (when I receive compliments, I become VERY uncomfortable and turn red and play with my hair and laugh nervously, this has been pointed out more than once) and said "Ok. Sure. Why?" Giggle giggle. Face feeling red and flushed. He proceeded to share with me that he's never met a single mom who seems to have it together so well, that he doesn't know how I do it, how Max and I've come so far alone, how do I work so hard all day and go home and do the mom thing and finally how is that I'm still single because I seem so social and bubbly and in his opinion, I'm a very pretty girl.
Face burning up, hot, beyond flushed. I'm certain I am visibly blushing now.
And since his accent is SO thick, it was like I had to listen extra carefully and really allow the words to permeate through me to clearly get a picture of what he was trying to say to me. So when he stopped speaking, I was still absorbing it all and as it was all sinking in I really just felt like I wanted to end the conversation immediately. Not because he'd done anything wrong, but because.....what do you say to that?
Talk about red red red. I know, I know....most of you are going "Ok, the Sarah I know doesn't embarrass or offend easily, what gives?"
I'm not embarrassed or offended, but to have a co-worker be so forward with me and out of the blue, it just really took me by surprise. So once I screamed in my head to cut the blushing off already and I gave him the answers to why I think things are the way they are for Max and I. We've had an incredible support system almost since the moment we set foot back in Colorado. I have a best friend who's never lived more than 10 minutes from me and has, in essence co-parented Max in a way through all these years. Kristen's love for Max is immense, and my love for her daughter the same. We are, a smalll family all our own of sorts. I have many trustworthy resources. I have witnessed how Mary has raised her children through the years and she is there to advise and gently encourages me (which she does perfectly) and nurtures me when I fall apart. The Conlee aspect of our family tree is quite powerful, much love and unending support emanating from that source. Max and I are surrounded by those who only want the best for us. My close friends have offered up their time, energy, even money through the years to help Max and I survive. Consistently for all this time. Crystal has always been there at the drop of a dime for anything, I know if I need her all I have to do is call. Matt will always help me in a pinch if it's an emergency. P and I have gotten closer this past year and I would easily add her to my list of confidants. This doesn't even go into the countless others, Kim & Sandy and Stacy and people I've worked with through the years who have supported us both.
I've been incredibly lucky in the range of employers I've had also, sans TNT, I couldn't ask for any better. They are all flexible and trusting of my abilities. I am a loyal employee and work hard. It all works out in the wash really. But I believe this to be an equally contributing factor in addition to our existing support systems. Without a flexible, tolerant and otherwise family friendly work environment, we would NEVER be where we are now. It is not to say that I demand special treatment, but kids get sick, get bit by dogs at the dog run, fall off bikes and need stitches, plumbing events occur, Moms get the flu, relationships explode and lives go into turmoil. This is the just the reality of life and when you are a single parent, you can't just call your partner to say "Hey, I'm in the middle of a huge project here that has to go live by the end of the day, can you go pick up Max, he just stuck a bead up his nose and needs to go to the ER again?" Nope, that's not how it works.
I explained this all to him as briefly as possible, but he wasn't letting me get away with it. He said "This may be true and you are fortunate to have so much support, but none of this would be without you. Max is a lucky kid to have such a strong mother."
Freaking eyeballs betrayed me and I started to tear up quickly, lip began quivering. I swallowed hard, took a deep breath and simply said "Thank you." and let it be what it was. The guy was congratulating me on managing to raise a great kid, work hard and make a life for myself and my family. What's the harm in taking the compliment and owning it? And just saying "Thank you" and being done with it?
Not so hard really, once you get through the tears and blushing and stuff. Why I don't think I deserve it, I'll never know. I think my guilt as a mother is massive. The flashbacks to the times I was selfish or made poor decisions that have affected Max. I have guilt about things I can't even control, like his Dad or the fact that Max was born to a relatively inexperienced human, let alone someone who could scarcely call herself a mother at 16. I can't change of these things, but I still feel anxiety over them sometimes. I'm sure that has something to do with it. But even guilt, can't kill the feeling that if a relative stranger (who has met Max and sits near me so I'm sure he hears a lot) can come up to me and say, "Hey....your doing alright! Hang in there!" that maybe I should just accept that and believe him?
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