John Mayer - Wheel Lyrics
People have the right to fly
And when it gets compromised
Their hearts say "Move along"
Their minds say "Gotcha heart"
Let's move it along
Let's move it along
And airports
See it all the time
With someone's last goodbye
Blends in with someone's sigh
Cause someone's coming home
In hand a single rose
And that's the way this wheel keeps working now
That's the way this wheel keeps working now
And I won't be the last
No I won't be the last,
To love her
And you can't build a house of leaves
And live like it's an evergreen
It's just a season thing
It's just this thing that seasons do
And that's the way this wheel keeps working now
That's the way this wheel keeps working now
And you won't be the first
No you won't be the first
To love me
You can find me, if you ever want to give
I'll be around the bend
I'll be around the bend
I'll be around,
I'll be around
And if you never stop when you wave goodbye
You just might find if you give it time
You will wave hello again
You just might wave hello again
And that's the way this wheel keeps working now
That's the way this wheel keeps working now
You can't love too much, one part of it (repeat then fade)
I believe that my life's gonna see
The love I give
Return to me
I believe that my life's gonna see
The love I give
Return to me
I believe that my life's gonna see
The love I give
Return to me [repeat 1x]
YouTube = Wheel John Mayer
Monday, December 31, 2007
Friday, December 28, 2007
Holiday Update
mmmmmm, someone is making fresh coffee in the kitchen at my office. Smells delish, alas, I haven't had coffee in quite some time but even if I wanted it, I'm cut off. I am no longer allowed coffee, tea or other caffeinated beverages until my next check up. And no over the counter cold or sinus medications that aren't specifically for those with high blood pressure. No cigarettes (duh, nasty anyway!) and less salt (dammit!) and more exercise. High blood pressure is a bitch. Before anyone gets all up in arms and starts cussing me about my health, this was discovered when I went in for the antibiotics to kill this nasty crud I've had for weeks. But, the high blood pressure could also very well be a symptom of the Alports (the heditary kidney disease in my family which I have) progressing. My grandmother requires blood pressure meds and has since her late 30's. There's a certain amount I can do with diet, etc, but eventually, I'll probably have to start taking actual medications to lower my blood pressure. It's a known side effect in women. Guess that's not really any less alarming. Mostly, I just have to do what I'm doing and focus on getting well. On many levels.
Max is off w/ the grandparents for about a week. Not much to really say there, he'll come home with the usual attitude about chores and what not, but it will fade. He's getting a new bed this weekend, so I know he's looking forward to that.
Sans the raging upper respitory infection I have, our Holiday Break was nice together. Max seems happy with his gifts and I mostly rested and slept and avoided all things social if at all possible. Except I had a lovely dinner with Mary & Family, cut short by the hacking cough and my feeling of general nastiness. I also visited with H's family on Christmas Eve and that was fun, they are an interesting group. Matt's in the right spot, that's for sure. Good, nice girl. Can't go wrong there:) Anyway, I made it about 3/4's the way through that dinner and we had to go. After Helen and I spilled our drinks all over the place and made a mess like a couple of grammar schoolers. To bad, we couldn't blame it on Matt like usual :)
Mary & Howard totally spoiled me as always, maybe that new vacuum with the Hepa filter will filter all the nastiness out of my life! I LOVE LOVE LOVE the purse they got me, it's so cute and definitely me. She totally nailed it, I was impressed. Guess she knows me pretty well:) My aunty MB also sent this amazing piece of art that I can't wait to hang, which is good timing b/c after solstice/xmas decorations come down, I am totally revamping the placing of my art work and the general look and feel of my home. It's very scattered at the moment, I've not had the energy I guess. But I have just the place. Oh and the thoughtful wind chime that Matt & Helen got for me, I don't what it is about wind chimes. They just make me happy. The way they look and sound. Not high chimey ones, the lower, metal and wood tones. Anywhoozle, my home will be getting some thing like a make over in the coming months.
It's been snowing off and on here for over a week, we got like 15 or 20 inches out of these past two storms, I love it. Especially when I can be home in bed. Which I was on both days it went nuts outside. It's cold though, that bitter January/February air is settling in.
My internal thoughts are of great reflection with the New Year approaching. I keep thinking to this time last year and how unhappy I was, but I couldn't really see it yet. Though, this time last year we were buried in 3 feet of snow, so that part was ok:) There was also an event that occurred during this time last year that began tipping the scales between Chance and I in a major way and it sort of went down hill from there. Quickly. Man hindsight stings like a mother.
I think of how trying this year has been, how mostly there have been deep deep lows, but with those lows I am able to see how far I've already come from a pretty devastating experience. I still find myself filled with a certain kind of very strong emotion because of that man. The lies, the deceit, the total betrayal. My own inability to really clue in on the wool being pulled over my eyes and my own poor choices and how they will be affecting me for many many years to come. It does, upset me. Naturally. I still, just cannot grasp the concept of how someone can think it's ok to behave in such a manner and do absolutely nothing to rectify the situation. It boggles my mind, but I know that questioning the person I thought I knew and the person he actually is totally pointless. What comes out of my processing this information is mostly that while this year has been incredibly painful, it has also been undeniably the most educational in my life for some time. I think I learned some very core life pieces, important things that I may not have learned as a young woman for whatever reason. Mostly my personal strength, which faltered greatly during my time with Chance, and ability to persevere has been affirmed. I also realized that as we age, we aren't quite as resilient as we once were. Perhaps we feel we have more to loose, perhaps we are not as energetic or maybe it's just that with time, you are able to see forward in ways you can't when you are a young and inexperienced 20 something. I've emerged from this situation a far stronger individual than I went into it. I learned a lot, about love, about who you let into your life, about how easy it is to get lost in things that don't matter, about trust, compassion and humility. Let me not stutter on that word! H-U-M-I-L-I-T-Y!
Don't let me forget either, to mention the incredible support system I am surrounded by; which also became startlingly clear this year. This year, whether by choice or default, has narrowed my relationships down to the very select few who've always been there. Have loved and honored me and who I am. As a woman, as a mother, as a friend, as a loved one. Though my relationships have suffered, the healing is progressing. As am I :)
I could probably ramble on for hours, and may as the mood strikes, about this past year. It's been one for the record books, no doubt.
2008: It's going to take a lot of hard work, that work is just beginning. I envision this coming year being about continuing on my journey of growth, making attempts at it anyway. Filling up the all that's been drained from me. Financially, spiritually, physically. Tentatively, I know I'll begin to socialize again, though I don't know when or what that looks like. I am not sure I'll even have much time. I am happily surrounded by a loving group of people, I really don't have the energy or time to add to that pot any time soon, but I think at some point, I will begin branching out again. I'm just to extroverted not to, I like people. I like spending time with interesting new people. I enjoy doing things, going to movies and spending time outside. Alot of these were things that were hampered this past year and during my time in the oblivion. I totally lost myself. I predict that will change in 2008.
I also predict that this time next year, I will have grown another olive branch and I will be an even sweeter tree fruit than today.
Yay Tree Fruits:)
Max is off w/ the grandparents for about a week. Not much to really say there, he'll come home with the usual attitude about chores and what not, but it will fade. He's getting a new bed this weekend, so I know he's looking forward to that.
Sans the raging upper respitory infection I have, our Holiday Break was nice together. Max seems happy with his gifts and I mostly rested and slept and avoided all things social if at all possible. Except I had a lovely dinner with Mary & Family, cut short by the hacking cough and my feeling of general nastiness. I also visited with H's family on Christmas Eve and that was fun, they are an interesting group. Matt's in the right spot, that's for sure. Good, nice girl. Can't go wrong there:) Anyway, I made it about 3/4's the way through that dinner and we had to go. After Helen and I spilled our drinks all over the place and made a mess like a couple of grammar schoolers. To bad, we couldn't blame it on Matt like usual :)
Mary & Howard totally spoiled me as always, maybe that new vacuum with the Hepa filter will filter all the nastiness out of my life! I LOVE LOVE LOVE the purse they got me, it's so cute and definitely me. She totally nailed it, I was impressed. Guess she knows me pretty well:) My aunty MB also sent this amazing piece of art that I can't wait to hang, which is good timing b/c after solstice/xmas decorations come down, I am totally revamping the placing of my art work and the general look and feel of my home. It's very scattered at the moment, I've not had the energy I guess. But I have just the place. Oh and the thoughtful wind chime that Matt & Helen got for me, I don't what it is about wind chimes. They just make me happy. The way they look and sound. Not high chimey ones, the lower, metal and wood tones. Anywhoozle, my home will be getting some thing like a make over in the coming months.
It's been snowing off and on here for over a week, we got like 15 or 20 inches out of these past two storms, I love it. Especially when I can be home in bed. Which I was on both days it went nuts outside. It's cold though, that bitter January/February air is settling in.
My internal thoughts are of great reflection with the New Year approaching. I keep thinking to this time last year and how unhappy I was, but I couldn't really see it yet. Though, this time last year we were buried in 3 feet of snow, so that part was ok:) There was also an event that occurred during this time last year that began tipping the scales between Chance and I in a major way and it sort of went down hill from there. Quickly. Man hindsight stings like a mother.
I think of how trying this year has been, how mostly there have been deep deep lows, but with those lows I am able to see how far I've already come from a pretty devastating experience. I still find myself filled with a certain kind of very strong emotion because of that man. The lies, the deceit, the total betrayal. My own inability to really clue in on the wool being pulled over my eyes and my own poor choices and how they will be affecting me for many many years to come. It does, upset me. Naturally. I still, just cannot grasp the concept of how someone can think it's ok to behave in such a manner and do absolutely nothing to rectify the situation. It boggles my mind, but I know that questioning the person I thought I knew and the person he actually is totally pointless. What comes out of my processing this information is mostly that while this year has been incredibly painful, it has also been undeniably the most educational in my life for some time. I think I learned some very core life pieces, important things that I may not have learned as a young woman for whatever reason. Mostly my personal strength, which faltered greatly during my time with Chance, and ability to persevere has been affirmed. I also realized that as we age, we aren't quite as resilient as we once were. Perhaps we feel we have more to loose, perhaps we are not as energetic or maybe it's just that with time, you are able to see forward in ways you can't when you are a young and inexperienced 20 something. I've emerged from this situation a far stronger individual than I went into it. I learned a lot, about love, about who you let into your life, about how easy it is to get lost in things that don't matter, about trust, compassion and humility. Let me not stutter on that word! H-U-M-I-L-I-T-Y!
Don't let me forget either, to mention the incredible support system I am surrounded by; which also became startlingly clear this year. This year, whether by choice or default, has narrowed my relationships down to the very select few who've always been there. Have loved and honored me and who I am. As a woman, as a mother, as a friend, as a loved one. Though my relationships have suffered, the healing is progressing. As am I :)
I could probably ramble on for hours, and may as the mood strikes, about this past year. It's been one for the record books, no doubt.
2008: It's going to take a lot of hard work, that work is just beginning. I envision this coming year being about continuing on my journey of growth, making attempts at it anyway. Filling up the all that's been drained from me. Financially, spiritually, physically. Tentatively, I know I'll begin to socialize again, though I don't know when or what that looks like. I am not sure I'll even have much time. I am happily surrounded by a loving group of people, I really don't have the energy or time to add to that pot any time soon, but I think at some point, I will begin branching out again. I'm just to extroverted not to, I like people. I like spending time with interesting new people. I enjoy doing things, going to movies and spending time outside. Alot of these were things that were hampered this past year and during my time in the oblivion. I totally lost myself. I predict that will change in 2008.
I also predict that this time next year, I will have grown another olive branch and I will be an even sweeter tree fruit than today.
Yay Tree Fruits:)
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Happy Holidays!
Happy Holidays all. Please forgive my lack of phone calls and emails, I am quite ill this year and am taking it as easy as possible. I love you all.
Xo,
S
Xo,
S
Friday, December 21, 2007
Happy Yule!
Happy Solstice All!
It is time to celebrate the return of the sun's warmth and our many blessed loved ones!
Love you to all:)
It is time to celebrate the return of the sun's warmth and our many blessed loved ones!
Love you to all:)
http://www.circlesanctuary.org/pholidays/SolsticeArticle.html
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Kind of yuck today
I'm a little yuck today, both physically and emotionally. I've got a cold of sorts I think, sinus thing maybe. It's either going to get a lot worse or a lot better, I'm just letting it take it's course and drinking gallons of water and orange juice and taking my EmergenC, which actually does seem to have an affect on the severity and length of my colds. A free commercial for the makers of EmergenC.
Emotionally, I'm a little run down I think because the holidays are a time for friends and family and I feel incredibly isolated at the moment. Which isn't a negative thing necessarily as solitude has been my preference these past months. However, I feel a slight tug on the heart strings as my inner circle provides me with the details about their plans for the long holiday weekend, which mostly involved a lot of time with their significant others and their families. This year, Max and I will be spending time with Mary & Howard as is our tradition and that will be quite enjoyable and I am feel allot of joy about the idea that hits holiday season will be very, very quiet for us. Consider that the previous year was not so great for me, it wasn't terrible, but it was filled with a fair amount of turmoil and unhappiness in my home. The previous year before that we were moving into the house and I had a houseful of people, who, quite frankly, were not exactly respectful of the fact that Chance and I just moved into our first house together and essentially spent the entire weekend partying at my house while I was trying to move in and get my house set up. I participated one of those nights for sure, we had lots of fun, but I know I felt pretty frustrated with everyone by the time it was all said and done. Including Chance. So, to say that I am NOT looking forward to a quiet weekend ahead would be a lie and it pleases me that it will be just Max and I. On many levels, Max and I are still working to regain some time that has been lost between us and I am happy for that. I feel no envy for all the hustle and bustle I see about me, my minimal shopping is done, my cards are sent and I won't be going from house to house trying to squeeze in time with everyone. Max and I will be mostly at home and that idea, does sit quite well with me.
What does sting a little, is that as I watch the world in chaos around me, I'm left wondering what it is that prompts such feelings of loneliness and the not so great kind of isolation I've been feeling these past few weeks. Sometimes I think Holidays are designed to serve as reminder of all the things you don't have, or the things society wants you to feel guilty for not having. And the reality is that your close friends and families do have their own lives. Max and I have been invited to a number of 'orphan' Christmas Eve & Christmas day parties. Maybe we'll go, I'll consult with Max. We aren't orphans, but are, in some ways too. And I'm going to stop feeling yucky, b/c I there is so much to be thankful for this year! So very very much, more than in years past it seems. Becuase this year, I have my sanity, my amazing family and close close friend AND while I may feel depressed and lonely, it makes sense and it's ok and I can honor that and let it be what it is.
I also know that I am feeling a bit of cabin fever at home and that might have something to do with the funk. Don't mistake this comment as lack of love for my baby, but he is, TOTALLY driving me up the wall this past week. He's not being nasty or negative or difficult at all. No, it's the opposite - he just wants to 'play' with me. All the time. I MEAN ALL the time. It is much like having a 2 year old at the moment. By this I mean that he essentially doesn't seem interested in doing anything but hanging out at home, with me and thus, seems to expect me to entertain him. Which while I appreciate the time with him dearly and of anyone, I'd prefer time with him, but I also enjoy some level of physical space on occasion and he seems quite offended when I ask for it. I am doing my best to enjoy this time with him because I know it's bound to change eventually, but I sometimes get the feeling that he's purposefully following me around the house and throwing his pillow at me and trying to tickle me and teasing me relentlessly to get a rise out of me and nothing more. Perhaps, because he is bored and finds me entertaining. Again, this behavior seems pretty juvenile and I can't quite put my finger on it, but I think also think he's feeling extra clingy lately, maybe because he just wants to feel like everything is solid. So I can do that, but have you ever tried to read a book with your 6'2" teenager peering over your shoulder and snapping his gum? Or, take a bath or shower with him knocking on the door and wanting to know when I'll be done b/c he has a question for me? Or trying to hang out with him and watch a movie, yet the entire time he's kicking and poking me with his toes. And those nasty toenails?
This probably all sounds hilarious and your wondering what's the big deal? It's been this way for months, it's not new. The short of it is that I think I need a little adult time. OUTSIDE of the house. With actual people. AND Max, needs to go do dude things with kids his age. This will all happen soon enough, I know. So I'll enjoy this weekend while he pokes at me the entire time and doesn't give me a moments rest unless he's sleeping :)
Emotionally, I'm a little run down I think because the holidays are a time for friends and family and I feel incredibly isolated at the moment. Which isn't a negative thing necessarily as solitude has been my preference these past months. However, I feel a slight tug on the heart strings as my inner circle provides me with the details about their plans for the long holiday weekend, which mostly involved a lot of time with their significant others and their families. This year, Max and I will be spending time with Mary & Howard as is our tradition and that will be quite enjoyable and I am feel allot of joy about the idea that hits holiday season will be very, very quiet for us. Consider that the previous year was not so great for me, it wasn't terrible, but it was filled with a fair amount of turmoil and unhappiness in my home. The previous year before that we were moving into the house and I had a houseful of people, who, quite frankly, were not exactly respectful of the fact that Chance and I just moved into our first house together and essentially spent the entire weekend partying at my house while I was trying to move in and get my house set up. I participated one of those nights for sure, we had lots of fun, but I know I felt pretty frustrated with everyone by the time it was all said and done. Including Chance. So, to say that I am NOT looking forward to a quiet weekend ahead would be a lie and it pleases me that it will be just Max and I. On many levels, Max and I are still working to regain some time that has been lost between us and I am happy for that. I feel no envy for all the hustle and bustle I see about me, my minimal shopping is done, my cards are sent and I won't be going from house to house trying to squeeze in time with everyone. Max and I will be mostly at home and that idea, does sit quite well with me.
What does sting a little, is that as I watch the world in chaos around me, I'm left wondering what it is that prompts such feelings of loneliness and the not so great kind of isolation I've been feeling these past few weeks. Sometimes I think Holidays are designed to serve as reminder of all the things you don't have, or the things society wants you to feel guilty for not having. And the reality is that your close friends and families do have their own lives. Max and I have been invited to a number of 'orphan' Christmas Eve & Christmas day parties. Maybe we'll go, I'll consult with Max. We aren't orphans, but are, in some ways too. And I'm going to stop feeling yucky, b/c I there is so much to be thankful for this year! So very very much, more than in years past it seems. Becuase this year, I have my sanity, my amazing family and close close friend AND while I may feel depressed and lonely, it makes sense and it's ok and I can honor that and let it be what it is.
I also know that I am feeling a bit of cabin fever at home and that might have something to do with the funk. Don't mistake this comment as lack of love for my baby, but he is, TOTALLY driving me up the wall this past week. He's not being nasty or negative or difficult at all. No, it's the opposite - he just wants to 'play' with me. All the time. I MEAN ALL the time. It is much like having a 2 year old at the moment. By this I mean that he essentially doesn't seem interested in doing anything but hanging out at home, with me and thus, seems to expect me to entertain him. Which while I appreciate the time with him dearly and of anyone, I'd prefer time with him, but I also enjoy some level of physical space on occasion and he seems quite offended when I ask for it. I am doing my best to enjoy this time with him because I know it's bound to change eventually, but I sometimes get the feeling that he's purposefully following me around the house and throwing his pillow at me and trying to tickle me and teasing me relentlessly to get a rise out of me and nothing more. Perhaps, because he is bored and finds me entertaining. Again, this behavior seems pretty juvenile and I can't quite put my finger on it, but I think also think he's feeling extra clingy lately, maybe because he just wants to feel like everything is solid. So I can do that, but have you ever tried to read a book with your 6'2" teenager peering over your shoulder and snapping his gum? Or, take a bath or shower with him knocking on the door and wanting to know when I'll be done b/c he has a question for me? Or trying to hang out with him and watch a movie, yet the entire time he's kicking and poking me with his toes. And those nasty toenails?
This probably all sounds hilarious and your wondering what's the big deal? It's been this way for months, it's not new. The short of it is that I think I need a little adult time. OUTSIDE of the house. With actual people. AND Max, needs to go do dude things with kids his age. This will all happen soon enough, I know. So I'll enjoy this weekend while he pokes at me the entire time and doesn't give me a moments rest unless he's sleeping :)
Monday, December 17, 2007
I Just Thought Of Something....
Oh.....I DID manage to get Christmas cards out before it was too late. This may seem minor, but it is a feat I am quite proud of as I've not been able to make that happen in at least 3 years. I am such a good good Tree Fruit and I know my Conlee clan will be especially proud of me and I will earn mega brownie points for doing so.
Yay Me!
Ok, that's SOMETHING positive I accomplished this past week.
WOO HOO!
Yay Me!
Ok, that's SOMETHING positive I accomplished this past week.
WOO HOO!
Not Much On This Side Of The Planet....
Nothing much to report, nothing eventful really going on. Had kind of a rough day on Saturday, I saw K & S for an early breakfeast at Lucille's (oh man, creole food rocks!) and got some news that sort of startled me and threw me into a funk for most of the rest of the day. It was that kind of day when I could've really used a hug or a little comfort, but it just wasn't in the stars. Max and I consulted Deep Thought (So Long & Thanks For All The Fish! http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0371724/quotes) and rented Shrek The Third, which was totally uplifting. I must have them all on DVD, I'm sure they'll release a box set now.
Sunday we went out for breakfast and off to "I Am Legend" as I've been promising Max for at least 2 weeks. After a few failed attempts to reschedule with M & H, I figured they were probably pissed at me so Max and I planned our day accordingly. M will enjoy the movie very much, Will Smith aint' bad to look at either, so it's got something for everyone I guess:) I won't give it away, but I do think it was typical Hollywood cliché' hooplah, but for the kind of movie that it was, it wasn't the worst way I could spend an hour and a half. Plus, Max loved it. So that's what really counts.
Back is really hurting today, I kind of messed it up last week. I've been read the riot act by my physician to loose 20 lbs before my next physical in April 2008. She claims I will feel a lot better for doing so that and that 4 months is plenty of time to do it in. Yeah, yeah. Ok fine. I'm tired of feeling like a stranger in my own body anyway.
Really looking forward to this coming weekend, nice long weekend. Nothing planned, except dinner with Mary & Howard. Otherwise, Max and I will be spending a quiet, warm and comfy holiday together just he and I. New Years is rapidly approaching also, not sure what I'll be doing for that. Max will be at his grandparents, it may just be another day. Who knows. I have to work on News Year's Eve day which seems ridiculous, my company didn't think that one out very well me thinks. Oh well. I won't be going out, I know that for sure. News Year is amateaur night in Denver, so I'll pass there. If I do go anywhere, I'll be staying there. But who knows, I may just take the night to chill at home and be in stillness. I may also be ready to cut it a little loose, I've not been out in a long long time.
splah. ho hum. I feel like Eeyore today kind of, can you tell?
Sunday we went out for breakfast and off to "I Am Legend" as I've been promising Max for at least 2 weeks. After a few failed attempts to reschedule with M & H, I figured they were probably pissed at me so Max and I planned our day accordingly. M will enjoy the movie very much, Will Smith aint' bad to look at either, so it's got something for everyone I guess:) I won't give it away, but I do think it was typical Hollywood cliché' hooplah, but for the kind of movie that it was, it wasn't the worst way I could spend an hour and a half. Plus, Max loved it. So that's what really counts.
Back is really hurting today, I kind of messed it up last week. I've been read the riot act by my physician to loose 20 lbs before my next physical in April 2008. She claims I will feel a lot better for doing so that and that 4 months is plenty of time to do it in. Yeah, yeah. Ok fine. I'm tired of feeling like a stranger in my own body anyway.
Really looking forward to this coming weekend, nice long weekend. Nothing planned, except dinner with Mary & Howard. Otherwise, Max and I will be spending a quiet, warm and comfy holiday together just he and I. New Years is rapidly approaching also, not sure what I'll be doing for that. Max will be at his grandparents, it may just be another day. Who knows. I have to work on News Year's Eve day which seems ridiculous, my company didn't think that one out very well me thinks. Oh well. I won't be going out, I know that for sure. News Year is amateaur night in Denver, so I'll pass there. If I do go anywhere, I'll be staying there. But who knows, I may just take the night to chill at home and be in stillness. I may also be ready to cut it a little loose, I've not been out in a long long time.
splah. ho hum. I feel like Eeyore today kind of, can you tell?
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Good Morning!
What a gorgeous snowy morning! Driving in the weather is a lot easier with proper tires, now isn't it? One might think by now that would be second nature, living in Wisconsin and Colorado for most of my life, but let me remind you that no matter what type of car you have, new tires are costly. My drive was fairly low stress for this kind of snowy morning in Colorado, one where the side roads require you to travel 1/2 to 1/3 the normal speed and the high ways move at a crawl, even with all those horrid chemicals they lay down to melt the snow. The drive home may be a bit more challenging, we are expected to get another 3 - 6" at work and 5 - 10" on my side of town. I suspect they'll let us out early.
I'm fighting a bit of an internal work issue and am not quite sure how to handle it. It's a long complicated story but it has to do with a web admin who's girlfriend is about to have their first (and unplanned) baby and the amount of work unfairly thrust upon him before he takes leave and my being told to redirect an issue back on him that he wasn't able to handle adequately, but some how now I am taking the heat for it not being completed properly. Even though I communicated the detail to both my supervisor AND the web admin quite clearly, but my supervisor insisted I put it back on his plate. I may just end up eating it on this one, taking one for the team as it were. Oh well, there are worst things in life then letting something go that I can't control, right?
Last night I spent some time considering my long term professional goals. My heart is speaking wildly to me about giving my time and energies to the environment and the protection of animals. It feels stronger all the time and my dilemma is that I cannot quite determine what that really means or what to do with it? Would I work directly with neglected and abused animals? Can I really work with animals who have been abused? My emotional capacity may not be strong enough to withstand that on a regular basis. My heart is so sensitive to suffering, it engulfs me and fills me with grief as if I were experiencing it myself. Could I work patiently with pet owners to educate them about how to better care for their pets? That's a huge part of advocacy for the SPCA, besides the protection of these animals that need help, it's also working with their families to teach them how to better meet the needs of their companion and/or farm animals. I don't know if I can be in direct contact with those accused of abusing their animals, though working to bring them to justice seems part of the job and I think it's something I'd have to learn to deal with it. And how can I also advocate for the protection of the environment and educate the government about ways in which we can cohabitate with the earth and not continue to steadily defile it?
Sometimes I feel like an 18 year old, facing my options like it is an open book and really, it IS an open book. I'll take it, there is something exceptional about this time for me. I have committed myself to some short term goals, but the longer term ones...what I do in 3 - 5 years from now, seems wide open and that's pretty exciting stuff!
I'm fighting a bit of an internal work issue and am not quite sure how to handle it. It's a long complicated story but it has to do with a web admin who's girlfriend is about to have their first (and unplanned) baby and the amount of work unfairly thrust upon him before he takes leave and my being told to redirect an issue back on him that he wasn't able to handle adequately, but some how now I am taking the heat for it not being completed properly. Even though I communicated the detail to both my supervisor AND the web admin quite clearly, but my supervisor insisted I put it back on his plate. I may just end up eating it on this one, taking one for the team as it were. Oh well, there are worst things in life then letting something go that I can't control, right?
Last night I spent some time considering my long term professional goals. My heart is speaking wildly to me about giving my time and energies to the environment and the protection of animals. It feels stronger all the time and my dilemma is that I cannot quite determine what that really means or what to do with it? Would I work directly with neglected and abused animals? Can I really work with animals who have been abused? My emotional capacity may not be strong enough to withstand that on a regular basis. My heart is so sensitive to suffering, it engulfs me and fills me with grief as if I were experiencing it myself. Could I work patiently with pet owners to educate them about how to better care for their pets? That's a huge part of advocacy for the SPCA, besides the protection of these animals that need help, it's also working with their families to teach them how to better meet the needs of their companion and/or farm animals. I don't know if I can be in direct contact with those accused of abusing their animals, though working to bring them to justice seems part of the job and I think it's something I'd have to learn to deal with it. And how can I also advocate for the protection of the environment and educate the government about ways in which we can cohabitate with the earth and not continue to steadily defile it?
Sometimes I feel like an 18 year old, facing my options like it is an open book and really, it IS an open book. I'll take it, there is something exceptional about this time for me. I have committed myself to some short term goals, but the longer term ones...what I do in 3 - 5 years from now, seems wide open and that's pretty exciting stuff!
Monday, December 10, 2007
Quote From "For One More Day"
"A child who is ashamed of his mother hasn't lived long enough."
So true, isn't it. Rang so to me anyhow.
So true, isn't it. Rang so to me anyhow.
Ha ha - YOU SUCK VICK!
That'll teach you, you smarmy little bastard.
http://blog.peta.org/archives/vick/
The basic rule for the knuckleheads out there who can't figure it out on their own is if you wouldn't do it to a human, don't even consider doing it to an animal. EVER. What you put those dogs through is nothing short of an absolute atrocity. How you thought you could get away with being so awful to one of this earth's great creatures is beyond me. Dogs are kind, loyal and loving animals that we humans have domesticated for various reasons, with that we have a great responsibility to these animals. You are lucky your only going to prison. If I were that judge you'd spend some time in the pit with those very dogs you trained to maul and kill one another. Or how about with a pack of starving, feral dogs who's owners abandoned them? Though, from what I hear, prison won't be much kinder to you. Except that you are a football star, so you'll probably get away with murder in there too, but that's another issue all together and I'll leave that argument for another day.
If I believed in hell, I'd remind you that there is probably a special place there for humans who do awful things to beings of such innocence and loyalty. The same goes for child molesters and rapists. Some might say comparing animal abusers and neglecters to child molesters overly harsh, not to me. You are dealing with a complete innocent, when you take that into your hands it is your responsibility to be kind and compassionate, not violent and hateful. There is nothing you could say that would justify hanging an animal from a tree, simply because it did not meet your 'criteria.' Nothing. Ever.
All the while you were pumping up yourself as a "man" and taking pleasure in teaching those poor dogs to rip each other's throats out; how it excited you to see them go at it after being starved half to death, like some mini-gladiator event, you were sealing your fate as a monster. Regardless of the fact that you are getting off easy IMO, at the very least your image has been tarnished past the point of recovery. It's a start and it is my hope that this will serve as a strong warning, if not maybe a deterrent to the rest of you little (expletive) that think it's funny or entertaining to abuse and neglect animals, animals you've brought into your care and are now your responsibility, only to turn on them and toy with their lives.
I hope your prison terms serves you well. I would never condone violence, but the darker side of me would not object to a little street justice in this situation. Along with the other offenders I've listed in this rant, you and people like you who do things like this to any form of innocence should not go unpunished and simply getting your ass beat down is merely small penance for the lives of at least 6 dogs, but he rage this puts into me makes me understand why people beat the living crap out of each other.
http://blog.peta.org/archives/vick/
The basic rule for the knuckleheads out there who can't figure it out on their own is if you wouldn't do it to a human, don't even consider doing it to an animal. EVER. What you put those dogs through is nothing short of an absolute atrocity. How you thought you could get away with being so awful to one of this earth's great creatures is beyond me. Dogs are kind, loyal and loving animals that we humans have domesticated for various reasons, with that we have a great responsibility to these animals. You are lucky your only going to prison. If I were that judge you'd spend some time in the pit with those very dogs you trained to maul and kill one another. Or how about with a pack of starving, feral dogs who's owners abandoned them? Though, from what I hear, prison won't be much kinder to you. Except that you are a football star, so you'll probably get away with murder in there too, but that's another issue all together and I'll leave that argument for another day.
If I believed in hell, I'd remind you that there is probably a special place there for humans who do awful things to beings of such innocence and loyalty. The same goes for child molesters and rapists. Some might say comparing animal abusers and neglecters to child molesters overly harsh, not to me. You are dealing with a complete innocent, when you take that into your hands it is your responsibility to be kind and compassionate, not violent and hateful. There is nothing you could say that would justify hanging an animal from a tree, simply because it did not meet your 'criteria.' Nothing. Ever.
All the while you were pumping up yourself as a "man" and taking pleasure in teaching those poor dogs to rip each other's throats out; how it excited you to see them go at it after being starved half to death, like some mini-gladiator event, you were sealing your fate as a monster. Regardless of the fact that you are getting off easy IMO, at the very least your image has been tarnished past the point of recovery. It's a start and it is my hope that this will serve as a strong warning, if not maybe a deterrent to the rest of you little (expletive) that think it's funny or entertaining to abuse and neglect animals, animals you've brought into your care and are now your responsibility, only to turn on them and toy with their lives.
I hope your prison terms serves you well. I would never condone violence, but the darker side of me would not object to a little street justice in this situation. Along with the other offenders I've listed in this rant, you and people like you who do things like this to any form of innocence should not go unpunished and simply getting your ass beat down is merely small penance for the lives of at least 6 dogs, but he rage this puts into me makes me understand why people beat the living crap out of each other.
Weekend Recap 12/07 - 12/09 2007
Friday Night:
My company holiday party, what a fun night! It's good to spend time with your coworkers out of the office and cut it loose a little, 109 in all with family was our turn out. That's pretty massive for our little office, but when you consider all the kids ands partners, it grows quickly. The snow came in about 7ish though and that got some of us moving sooner rather than later. Max and I were home by 9, happy and content with the nights festivities.
Saturday:
It snowed. All day. And was cold, bitterly cold actually. Max and I are broke folk so we weren't able to make to H's bday party, which is a drag, but I think my friends understand. So, we mostly just watched movies, napped and pushed Kasha outside to use the potty occasionally. Snow does not a happy Kasha make, though she's getting better. Gaia, on the other hand, seems eager to be outside until she takes those first tentative steps through the wetness to determine it's depth and finds that she's in over her head. Silly kitty. We watched Pirates Of The Caribbean: At World's End, which I highly recommend of course. I *heart* Johnny Depp, I love that he's a little effeminate and completely off his rocker in his character as Captain Jack Sparrow. It just makes me desire him all the more:) It doesn't matter that he's 13 years my senior, not at all!
Sunday:
Something about below freezing temps and steadily falling snow makes sleep an incredibly comfortable place to be. Waking up doesn't seem necessary when your all snuggled up. Max and I fell asleep together on the couch down stairs Saturday night in a mountain of blankets, pillows and sleeping bags. Kind of a sleep over with Kasha and Gaia wrapped up in the middle of all of it somewhere. Kasha was in a state of total bliss, she kept making her noises and stretching and peeking out at us from under the covers. Max was feeling quite cuddly that night, he's a strange one sometimes. Leave me alone, love me. Go away, I hate you...come hug me, I love you. ???? Oh well, I love him no matter how strange he is:) And he I, so it works out. We slept until roughly 10 am and awoke to yet more snow and a really cold morning.
Made breakfast, have convinced Max that turkey sausage is a fine compromise between pork sausage (blech) and my veggie sausage (which he refuses to even consider eating) and we spent most of the morning munching, reading the paper (poor paper boy!) and throwing Kasha out in the snow against her wishes. We are mean parents!
Turned on the tube to watch Jericho per M's suggestion (Not convinced on that one yet M, it's a little too tv drama for my taste though the Skeet Ulrich I can handle!) and had it on CNN only to discover the church shootings, less than 3 miles from where I live. As I am trying to find out more info on this, movie time is postponed and the shootings in Co Springs occur as I'm searching the net for more information on the Arvada shootings from the previous night. Sigh. I don't really know what to say except that it is very sad, but I am not totally surprised any more. I really don't understand people in this world sometimes, I don't understand how someone can take the life of another so casually. That's someone's child! It is horrifying, but I know it happens every day, across the planet. Yet, you could flip through every cable news channel last night and this story was pretty much the main one of the day. Is it any less shocking to us when a mosque is bombed in Iraq and 19 people are murdered? Or another 50 thousand people are forced into refugee camps in Sudan (Darfur) and of those 50 thousand, at least half are not expected to survive due to starvation and if they do survive what will they look forward to? Or a plane crashes somewhere and all on board die? Sometimes I think I've become increasingly callous through these past years and that weighs on me. After 911 and now a war in which the human cost at the hands of American's is more than I can stomach to consider to deeply. The number of shootings in schools (in my own backyard, more than once) and the men who murder their pregnant wives or the children who suffer at the hands of their own parents. It's all too much some days and I suppose any perceived callousness may be a direct result of the horrific things we do to each other in the name of religion and politics and selfishness and sickness, simply my body's way of allowing me to function every day without becoming overly consumed with things I cannot control. It's no wonder this country has become so apathetic, it's the easiest way to get through the day and goodness knows we like the easy way out.
I'm sure more detail will come out as time passes in these coming days and weeks about the Sunday events in CO. I'm just glad more people weren't hurt. It really could've been a lot worse I'm thinking.
This morning I'm dragging arse a little, I've been kind of fighting a cold or something. Sinuses. Just the way things are for me lately. I did decide to do a little detoxing these next few weeks. Did you know that you need to eat the right kinds of food to feel good and stay healthy? Huh, there's a thought! Food isn't just about tasting good and comfort, oh no! It has all kinds of important functions otherwise. Fascinating. AND, if you are a lazy sloth all weekend it will make your energy level sloth like. Hrm. Interesting.....
My company holiday party, what a fun night! It's good to spend time with your coworkers out of the office and cut it loose a little, 109 in all with family was our turn out. That's pretty massive for our little office, but when you consider all the kids ands partners, it grows quickly. The snow came in about 7ish though and that got some of us moving sooner rather than later. Max and I were home by 9, happy and content with the nights festivities.
Saturday:
It snowed. All day. And was cold, bitterly cold actually. Max and I are broke folk so we weren't able to make to H's bday party, which is a drag, but I think my friends understand. So, we mostly just watched movies, napped and pushed Kasha outside to use the potty occasionally. Snow does not a happy Kasha make, though she's getting better. Gaia, on the other hand, seems eager to be outside until she takes those first tentative steps through the wetness to determine it's depth and finds that she's in over her head. Silly kitty. We watched Pirates Of The Caribbean: At World's End, which I highly recommend of course. I *heart* Johnny Depp, I love that he's a little effeminate and completely off his rocker in his character as Captain Jack Sparrow. It just makes me desire him all the more:) It doesn't matter that he's 13 years my senior, not at all!
Sunday:
Something about below freezing temps and steadily falling snow makes sleep an incredibly comfortable place to be. Waking up doesn't seem necessary when your all snuggled up. Max and I fell asleep together on the couch down stairs Saturday night in a mountain of blankets, pillows and sleeping bags. Kind of a sleep over with Kasha and Gaia wrapped up in the middle of all of it somewhere. Kasha was in a state of total bliss, she kept making her noises and stretching and peeking out at us from under the covers. Max was feeling quite cuddly that night, he's a strange one sometimes. Leave me alone, love me. Go away, I hate you...come hug me, I love you. ???? Oh well, I love him no matter how strange he is:) And he I, so it works out. We slept until roughly 10 am and awoke to yet more snow and a really cold morning.
Made breakfast, have convinced Max that turkey sausage is a fine compromise between pork sausage (blech) and my veggie sausage (which he refuses to even consider eating) and we spent most of the morning munching, reading the paper (poor paper boy!) and throwing Kasha out in the snow against her wishes. We are mean parents!
Turned on the tube to watch Jericho per M's suggestion (Not convinced on that one yet M, it's a little too tv drama for my taste though the Skeet Ulrich I can handle!) and had it on CNN only to discover the church shootings, less than 3 miles from where I live. As I am trying to find out more info on this, movie time is postponed and the shootings in Co Springs occur as I'm searching the net for more information on the Arvada shootings from the previous night. Sigh. I don't really know what to say except that it is very sad, but I am not totally surprised any more. I really don't understand people in this world sometimes, I don't understand how someone can take the life of another so casually. That's someone's child! It is horrifying, but I know it happens every day, across the planet. Yet, you could flip through every cable news channel last night and this story was pretty much the main one of the day. Is it any less shocking to us when a mosque is bombed in Iraq and 19 people are murdered? Or another 50 thousand people are forced into refugee camps in Sudan (Darfur) and of those 50 thousand, at least half are not expected to survive due to starvation and if they do survive what will they look forward to? Or a plane crashes somewhere and all on board die? Sometimes I think I've become increasingly callous through these past years and that weighs on me. After 911 and now a war in which the human cost at the hands of American's is more than I can stomach to consider to deeply. The number of shootings in schools (in my own backyard, more than once) and the men who murder their pregnant wives or the children who suffer at the hands of their own parents. It's all too much some days and I suppose any perceived callousness may be a direct result of the horrific things we do to each other in the name of religion and politics and selfishness and sickness, simply my body's way of allowing me to function every day without becoming overly consumed with things I cannot control. It's no wonder this country has become so apathetic, it's the easiest way to get through the day and goodness knows we like the easy way out.
I'm sure more detail will come out as time passes in these coming days and weeks about the Sunday events in CO. I'm just glad more people weren't hurt. It really could've been a lot worse I'm thinking.
This morning I'm dragging arse a little, I've been kind of fighting a cold or something. Sinuses. Just the way things are for me lately. I did decide to do a little detoxing these next few weeks. Did you know that you need to eat the right kinds of food to feel good and stay healthy? Huh, there's a thought! Food isn't just about tasting good and comfort, oh no! It has all kinds of important functions otherwise. Fascinating. AND, if you are a lazy sloth all weekend it will make your energy level sloth like. Hrm. Interesting.....
Thursday, December 06, 2007
Anxiety with a side of frustration
I've made some stupid decisions, I mean that's clear. However, just HOW stupid remains to be seen. I have been fighting with my home equity line bank for a month now, and let me tell you, never ever EVER use HFC. For anything. I've found them nothing but unresponsive, irresponsible in their lending practices and 100% unprofessional. It's like working with a bunch of 2 year old turkey's.
sigh.
I am currently on Max's list, I get tired of that sometimes. Being the only one to bare the brunt of tirades, attitudes and frustrations. Especially when I say "No" to him, oh boy, it's pathetic. He acts just like you know who and I've pointed this out to him. He pouts, he rants, he raves, he makes accusations and worse, he tries to rationalize and manipulate.
Case in point:
In my house, if you don't have at least a C average, you don't get a drivers permit. Period. Not to sound like every other parent of a teenager on the planet, but driving is a privilege. If you can't handle the responsibility of doing the bare minimum of school work required to keep your grades up, how can you handle the responsibility of driving? That's pretty much the argument anyway.
This guide line was laid down the day he turned 15 and he's had almost an entire semester to take it into consideration. Unfortunately, he's not been able to pull it together in time for the end of the semester and now, he won't be allowed to get his permit until the end of next school semester and then, it still will only be if he has AT LEAST all C's. I am not a stickler for grades, grades don't necessarily measure intelligence as we all know. But, I DO expect him to at least give enough effort to maintain a C average. C's = average. I think this is a fair expectation and stand behind it 100%.
He, of course, thinks I'm being a total hard ass. And continues to test it. So, he asks me if for Christmas, instead of presents, can he get his permit? It was a total set up, he KNOWS I'm going to say no. He's got 2 D's for cripes sake, hello! But I guess he just had to ask anyway. In the immediate moment, I tell him I'll think about it and table the discussion for another day.
I approach him last night as follows:
- The agreement, from day one has been that if your grades are not to par, you don't get a permit.
- You've had a minimum of one 2 D's since Oct 1st and I see little effort being made to correct that.
(A side not here, Max refuses to study, he doesn't think he has to. Except when quizzes and tests come around, he can't figure out why he bombs them and we all know that in High School, quiz's and tests are about 1/3 - 1/5 of the final grade - so if he studied a little more, he'd probably have high C's if not B's in his classes. However, when I attempt to work with him on this issue, he becomes incredibly defiant and arbitrary. Basically I don't know what I'm talking about and frankly, it's gotten to the point where I'm just like...ok, what else can I do? Short of holding his hand and sitting with him in class, taking notes for him and preparing mock tests for all of his classes....hello? Come on, he's 15 years old and thinks he can handle driving but can't take the time to take a basic note and study it each night?)
- However, if you can pull together your studies for your finals on December 20th and you have B and C's on all of your finals (which he can TOTALLY do) I will sign a work permit for you, allowing you to work 10 - 15 hours per week.
- This will allow you to begin saving money for your driving school and insurance AND show that you are able to manage responsibilities outside of school effectively.
- Again, if grades aren't maintained at C level through your second semester, there will be no permit and we may have to re-evaluate your hours if your grades fall to low.
- Target and Safeway are hiring right now, if you'd like I'll be happy to take you there and help you to fill out an application.
This was met with total stony silence. I asked him what he thought about this idea. He just stared at me and then proceeded to pout the entire night and not speak to me. I let it alone, I suspect he'll come to his sense and realize he's getting a good deal here, but had to get over the initial brattiness of not getting what he wants. poor poor Max. Life IS hard.
The irony of this? He's been BEGGING me to let him get a job, I mean BEGGING. He makes comments all the time about how he could have this or that "If I'd only let him get a job" or "If I had a job _____" This is several times a week and the comments are sometimes dripping with challenging sarcasm.
So, I'm left a little confused by his reaction. I did think he'd jump at the chance and see it as a fair compromise, but I realized quickly that he had to throw that manipulation in there and see if it got him anywhere. I'm not sure where he gets this from really, I have my suspicions. After all he lived with someone who got away with and is STILL getting away with a helluva lot and manipulated the women in his life quite efficiently for 2 years. Kids aren't stupid, they pick that stuff up and Max wasn't blinded with love for Chance, so he probably had Chance's number earlier on then I did.
But, that can't be all of it. Some of it must be standard teenager crap, he certainly is full of himself at the moment I have to say. And I felt a little anxious about his reaction to my proposal, why? Because I feel it's a risk, allowing him to get a job when he's having a hard time managing his job. My fear of course is that it'll be to much or that he'll think, hey I can just get a job and drop out of school! There's an idea! yuck.
On the other hand, I'm wondering if he'll even go after it. He really didn't seem thrilled about it last night. Interesting that when confronted with the option he gets all pissy. I don't know if he really has it in him right now for all the crap he talks. And if he does, my hope is that maybe having a small part time job will give him a sense of success, capability and maybe, just maybe, motivate him to that next level in school. Sometimes, when you are given more responsibility, you rise to the occasion. Sometimes you don't, but it can't hurt to try in my book.
In any event, he's got this whole attitude right now that makes him rather unpleasant to be around and it's all thrown right in my direction. I know that's a terrible thing to say and there can never be any question that I love my son with all my heart, but the growing pains make me tired some days.
These are the times when I feel like I might go bat-shit at any moment and run screeming down the street in my underwear in 30 degree weather!
sigh.
I am currently on Max's list, I get tired of that sometimes. Being the only one to bare the brunt of tirades, attitudes and frustrations. Especially when I say "No" to him, oh boy, it's pathetic. He acts just like you know who and I've pointed this out to him. He pouts, he rants, he raves, he makes accusations and worse, he tries to rationalize and manipulate.
Case in point:
In my house, if you don't have at least a C average, you don't get a drivers permit. Period. Not to sound like every other parent of a teenager on the planet, but driving is a privilege. If you can't handle the responsibility of doing the bare minimum of school work required to keep your grades up, how can you handle the responsibility of driving? That's pretty much the argument anyway.
This guide line was laid down the day he turned 15 and he's had almost an entire semester to take it into consideration. Unfortunately, he's not been able to pull it together in time for the end of the semester and now, he won't be allowed to get his permit until the end of next school semester and then, it still will only be if he has AT LEAST all C's. I am not a stickler for grades, grades don't necessarily measure intelligence as we all know. But, I DO expect him to at least give enough effort to maintain a C average. C's = average. I think this is a fair expectation and stand behind it 100%.
He, of course, thinks I'm being a total hard ass. And continues to test it. So, he asks me if for Christmas, instead of presents, can he get his permit? It was a total set up, he KNOWS I'm going to say no. He's got 2 D's for cripes sake, hello! But I guess he just had to ask anyway. In the immediate moment, I tell him I'll think about it and table the discussion for another day.
I approach him last night as follows:
- The agreement, from day one has been that if your grades are not to par, you don't get a permit.
- You've had a minimum of one 2 D's since Oct 1st and I see little effort being made to correct that.
(A side not here, Max refuses to study, he doesn't think he has to. Except when quizzes and tests come around, he can't figure out why he bombs them and we all know that in High School, quiz's and tests are about 1/3 - 1/5 of the final grade - so if he studied a little more, he'd probably have high C's if not B's in his classes. However, when I attempt to work with him on this issue, he becomes incredibly defiant and arbitrary. Basically I don't know what I'm talking about and frankly, it's gotten to the point where I'm just like...ok, what else can I do? Short of holding his hand and sitting with him in class, taking notes for him and preparing mock tests for all of his classes....hello? Come on, he's 15 years old and thinks he can handle driving but can't take the time to take a basic note and study it each night?)
- However, if you can pull together your studies for your finals on December 20th and you have B and C's on all of your finals (which he can TOTALLY do) I will sign a work permit for you, allowing you to work 10 - 15 hours per week.
- This will allow you to begin saving money for your driving school and insurance AND show that you are able to manage responsibilities outside of school effectively.
- Again, if grades aren't maintained at C level through your second semester, there will be no permit and we may have to re-evaluate your hours if your grades fall to low.
- Target and Safeway are hiring right now, if you'd like I'll be happy to take you there and help you to fill out an application.
This was met with total stony silence. I asked him what he thought about this idea. He just stared at me and then proceeded to pout the entire night and not speak to me. I let it alone, I suspect he'll come to his sense and realize he's getting a good deal here, but had to get over the initial brattiness of not getting what he wants. poor poor Max. Life IS hard.
The irony of this? He's been BEGGING me to let him get a job, I mean BEGGING. He makes comments all the time about how he could have this or that "If I'd only let him get a job" or "If I had a job _____" This is several times a week and the comments are sometimes dripping with challenging sarcasm.
So, I'm left a little confused by his reaction. I did think he'd jump at the chance and see it as a fair compromise, but I realized quickly that he had to throw that manipulation in there and see if it got him anywhere. I'm not sure where he gets this from really, I have my suspicions. After all he lived with someone who got away with and is STILL getting away with a helluva lot and manipulated the women in his life quite efficiently for 2 years. Kids aren't stupid, they pick that stuff up and Max wasn't blinded with love for Chance, so he probably had Chance's number earlier on then I did.
But, that can't be all of it. Some of it must be standard teenager crap, he certainly is full of himself at the moment I have to say. And I felt a little anxious about his reaction to my proposal, why? Because I feel it's a risk, allowing him to get a job when he's having a hard time managing his job. My fear of course is that it'll be to much or that he'll think, hey I can just get a job and drop out of school! There's an idea! yuck.
On the other hand, I'm wondering if he'll even go after it. He really didn't seem thrilled about it last night. Interesting that when confronted with the option he gets all pissy. I don't know if he really has it in him right now for all the crap he talks. And if he does, my hope is that maybe having a small part time job will give him a sense of success, capability and maybe, just maybe, motivate him to that next level in school. Sometimes, when you are given more responsibility, you rise to the occasion. Sometimes you don't, but it can't hurt to try in my book.
In any event, he's got this whole attitude right now that makes him rather unpleasant to be around and it's all thrown right in my direction. I know that's a terrible thing to say and there can never be any question that I love my son with all my heart, but the growing pains make me tired some days.
These are the times when I feel like I might go bat-shit at any moment and run screeming down the street in my underwear in 30 degree weather!
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
Ode To Hummus
Oh hummus, beautiful glorious hummus!
You bring such happiness to my tummus!
With your smooth elegant texture
And your bursting olive oil goodness
Whether accompanying my favorite falafel and tahini
Or in pleasurable simplicity, with olives and pita
There would be mass consumption if I could
In all your vegetarian delight, certainly I would
Alas it is sad but oh unmistakingly true
That I am often separated from you
Fortunately for you and I, oh cherished friend
Kabob Station is where we rendezvous weekly
So until next time, my little chick pea
Think of your biggest fan, for she is me
Oh hummus, beautiful glorious hummus!
You bring such happiness to my tummus!
You bring such happiness to my tummus!
With your smooth elegant texture
And your bursting olive oil goodness
Whether accompanying my favorite falafel and tahini
Or in pleasurable simplicity, with olives and pita
There would be mass consumption if I could
In all your vegetarian delight, certainly I would
Alas it is sad but oh unmistakingly true
That I am often separated from you
Fortunately for you and I, oh cherished friend
Kabob Station is where we rendezvous weekly
So until next time, my little chick pea
Think of your biggest fan, for she is me
Oh hummus, beautiful glorious hummus!
You bring such happiness to my tummus!
Tired, But Better
Up till midnight writing last night, it's been a while since I've done that. It was a desperately needed release. I wrote letters I'll never send, half a poem and responded to some long over due emails. This morning I am wearing Carin's sweater and feeling warm and fuzzy, it's chilly out, not frigid, but cool. Flurries supposed to set in tonight and forecast says freezing temps for the next several days. I enjoy the cooler weather. It gives me a reason to dress in cozy things and go to bed early.
Busy day ahead, at least this morning so I'm off to work. Did anyone see McCain on MTV the other night? Interesting way to converse with the public and campaign. I found him to be pretty much the standard politician, humble he is not. Sigh. In about a year, we will have a new president and while I am looking forward to the transition and the subsequent changes, I am still fearful of what may or may not happen in the interim. This thing with Iran weighs on me heavily, there's something brewing there. Meanwhile, in Colorado, Mike Jones (who outed Ted Haggard, New Life Church in CO Springs) is claiming to have escorted Larry Craig on a number of occasions. This is the news in my town, not detail about pending drought this winter or the 1 in 6 children in CO without health care or the reported rise in elder abuse in Jefferson County. Nope, the biggest debate in town is about who's having sex with who and whether it's ethical. It seriously is time for this country to get over itself and it's sexual morality issues. Humans have sex, in all of it's forms, always have, always will. We are driven sexual beings. Gay, straight, bi, whatever....sexuality is a fundamental aspect of our identities, and like all ways in which we grow, we may explore it in more detail or know from birth what our sexual orientation is without question. Attempting to repress that is both futile and oppressive in the most basic form. People are who they are, they will have sex with whom they wish, whether it is deemed 'acceptable' or not and it's high time for us to freaking move past this and start focusing on saving our planet, making sure everyone is fed and healthy and stop trying to blow each other up. The fact that this issue is still up for debate totally boggles my mind. WHO CARES? It's two consenting adults, they are big boys, they can make their own decisions. Besides the fact that outing a pastor or a senator points out the total dysfunction of our culture sexually, I really could care less who's having sex with who and why. And if people really want to focus on the issues of sex in our culture, they should consider the bigger picture regarding the protection of sex workers or the sexual exploitation of children. THAT is some horrifying stuff and is where people should be focusing their energies, protecting women and children. But debating whether it's ethically acceptable for a United States Senator to engage in homosexual activity is a moot point. It's already a done deal. I'm tired of living in a homophobic state, I'm tired of people reporting what is essentially gossip as news and I'm really tired of the endless debate about what people are doing in their bedrooms. Get over it America!
Busy day ahead, at least this morning so I'm off to work. Did anyone see McCain on MTV the other night? Interesting way to converse with the public and campaign. I found him to be pretty much the standard politician, humble he is not. Sigh. In about a year, we will have a new president and while I am looking forward to the transition and the subsequent changes, I am still fearful of what may or may not happen in the interim. This thing with Iran weighs on me heavily, there's something brewing there. Meanwhile, in Colorado, Mike Jones (who outed Ted Haggard, New Life Church in CO Springs) is claiming to have escorted Larry Craig on a number of occasions. This is the news in my town, not detail about pending drought this winter or the 1 in 6 children in CO without health care or the reported rise in elder abuse in Jefferson County. Nope, the biggest debate in town is about who's having sex with who and whether it's ethical. It seriously is time for this country to get over itself and it's sexual morality issues. Humans have sex, in all of it's forms, always have, always will. We are driven sexual beings. Gay, straight, bi, whatever....sexuality is a fundamental aspect of our identities, and like all ways in which we grow, we may explore it in more detail or know from birth what our sexual orientation is without question. Attempting to repress that is both futile and oppressive in the most basic form. People are who they are, they will have sex with whom they wish, whether it is deemed 'acceptable' or not and it's high time for us to freaking move past this and start focusing on saving our planet, making sure everyone is fed and healthy and stop trying to blow each other up. The fact that this issue is still up for debate totally boggles my mind. WHO CARES? It's two consenting adults, they are big boys, they can make their own decisions. Besides the fact that outing a pastor or a senator points out the total dysfunction of our culture sexually, I really could care less who's having sex with who and why. And if people really want to focus on the issues of sex in our culture, they should consider the bigger picture regarding the protection of sex workers or the sexual exploitation of children. THAT is some horrifying stuff and is where people should be focusing their energies, protecting women and children. But debating whether it's ethically acceptable for a United States Senator to engage in homosexual activity is a moot point. It's already a done deal. I'm tired of living in a homophobic state, I'm tired of people reporting what is essentially gossip as news and I'm really tired of the endless debate about what people are doing in their bedrooms. Get over it America!
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
I reserve the right to be grumpy, pissy, cranky and otherwise grouchy if I feel like it. I'm having a hard day and that's ok. I don't HAVE to be sweet as pie at all times and sometimes I just want to be left alone and this is one of those times. As long as I am not scowling, cussing or otherwise spitting my current state directly at you, I don't see how it's any of anyone else's business if I am in a bad mood, unless I want to share it.
My coworkers are nice people, I have nothing against them and this has nothing to do with them. However, in real life there is something to be said for respecting the space of others. I realize I am generally inviting, pleasant and professional. I will listen attentively to the stories about your wife or your kids or your dog, because that is the type of dynamic we have here. We do a lot of joking around here, it's an almost nessisary evil so that we can all function without exceeding the maximum stress allotment allowed for one very small space and 20 employee's squeezed into our one side of the office.
But today, I have my headphones have been on ALL day which is a clear signal that I am:
a) Very busy
b) Wish to be left alone
c) Don't have the energy to engage
d) All of the above
I choose D and hopefully that can be respected without someone getting all butt hurt about it.
Today I am Tree Fruit The Grouch, please close the lid on my garbage can on your way out.
Thank you very much,
The Management
My coworkers are nice people, I have nothing against them and this has nothing to do with them. However, in real life there is something to be said for respecting the space of others. I realize I am generally inviting, pleasant and professional. I will listen attentively to the stories about your wife or your kids or your dog, because that is the type of dynamic we have here. We do a lot of joking around here, it's an almost nessisary evil so that we can all function without exceeding the maximum stress allotment allowed for one very small space and 20 employee's squeezed into our one side of the office.
But today, I have my headphones have been on ALL day which is a clear signal that I am:
a) Very busy
b) Wish to be left alone
c) Don't have the energy to engage
d) All of the above
I choose D and hopefully that can be respected without someone getting all butt hurt about it.
Today I am Tree Fruit The Grouch, please close the lid on my garbage can on your way out.
Thank you very much,
The Management
Monday, December 03, 2007
Nov 30th - Dec 2nd Weekend Highlights
I am absolutely exhausted this morning, literally fighting to keep my head up and my eyes open. Kasha and I both spent a lot of time groaning and stretching this morning while getting out of bed. She is so cute, I love my doggeh!
Friday:
After several interesting phone calls, a lot of errands and at least two failed attempts to get my ass motivated enough to take the dog for a walk, I finally just gave up and started making dinner for Tammy. She showed up about 4:15 and we got to chatting, eating and hair cutting! Almost 6 inches of those long blonde locks ended up on the floor that night and while I'm still adjusting and it is shorter than I'd plan to go, it is totally liberating. Sort of like shedding skin. Metamorphosis. Like sunflowers and butterfly's:)
Update:
My Aunty made me post some pics, this is the best I can do at the moment with my camera phone, at work in the bathroom so my coworkers don't have funny thoughts about me.....
Saturday:
Ran errands all morning with Max. Correction, chauffeured Max around all morning to and fro all over town. After all that hubbubb, we spent the remainder of the day at Kristen's. First working on her resume. That was pretty fun actually, I was happy to help remind her of what a valuable individual she is. "Rock Band" became to distracting and we played for 5 straight hours! I foresee this game being in most homes across the states with families, it is a blast to play with others and addictive in the way that only a video game can be. It's not simple either, it's an actual game that requires a certain level of commitment when you start it to actually complete the levels. Kristen played guitar, Max was on drums and I sang. I now know why vocalists loose their voices often and have to take great care with them. 5 hours of belting out tunes pretty much wiped me out. Max was impressive on those drums, he may very well need his own kit. I may consider it for his bday this next year. Matt & Helen came over after and we spent a pretty mellow night just chillin' after all that.
Sunday:
Up bright and early to meet up with Helen's folks for the Christmas Town event in Georgetown. Our first year, a lot of fun! Sans the frigid temperatures and strong winds, it's something I'd like to do again next year with Max. Helen's family is very sweet, just good people and you can't deny that when you engage with people on that level. The interaction between her father and his family was quite moving for me, he has a smile that lights up a room, is soft spoken and clearly is a gentle man. Sometimes the sadness of not having had a father of my own to love me in that way is quite overpowering. I sometimes wonder what I might be like now if I'd had a kind and compassionate man to guide me through this life and help to shape my views on men and love. How I may be a different person and who she might be? I learned long ago that wondering about the past is mostly futile, rather I'd expend my energy in the direction of healing from the voids than focusing on them. What I can take from the interactions I see between fathers like Charlie and their children is the love that radiates from that and the incredible happiness I feel for the kids out there who are loved and cared for so deeply by their fathers. And mothers. Children are such a blessing, they deserve all the light life can offer them.
Speaking of blessings, my own son and I have been nit picking with one another off an on a lot lately. Last night however, he seemed more interested in snuggling and eating candy then bickering with me. Ah the gift of quiet time with your only child. We both fell asleep for a few hours as we were extremely physically drained from the day, with Kasha in between and our favorite warm blanket, it was a lovely nap. To which we were awoken to the bang bang bang of a distinct knock at the door. The "cop" knock is what most of you will know it as, the one where they bang on the door with their flashlight. The kind that will startle you right out of your skin if it is silent in your house. I went to investigate, only to not find an actual police officer (of which I've had my share recently) but rather a tall (and good looking) man at my door with a tow truck idling loudly in front of me house. Looking for you know who of course. I explained (again) the situation. In an obviously irritated voice, I asked this guy why he needed yet another explanation of this situation as I've given at least 7 different people the same information and back ground scenario many times that I may cough up hairballs if I have to go over it one more single time. He didn't have a good answer for me. I question just how coordinated this effort is, but it is out of my hands and I am so over it. Ready to move on. The tall, cute repo dude handed me a card and made me promise to give him a call if I heard anything he gracefully excused himself and bid me a good night. Meanwhile, Max had been holding Kasha, who seemed threatened by the entire situation, and was standing behind me giving this poor guy the stink eye the whole time. Max is protective of his momma, that's for certain. He directly asked me the other day if you know who had ever laid a hand on me, I told him of course not. That while it IS true that Chance's behaviors resemble that of some alien form of slime, probably related to the bottom feeder, pond scum variety, but that he was never violent with me physically. And if he had ever been, he'd be rolling around on the cement of our front walk way in agony from the precise and effective groin kick I'd deliver the moment he touched me in that way and begging me to call off the troops once they arrived. That made Max laugh, which was kind of the goal. He needs to feel confident that I can take care of myself and would NEVER allow that sort of thing, but I wondered what prompted that question from him. It seemed to take a lot of energy for him to even pose the question. How I'd wish to spare him from these kinds of drama's so young, somehow I thought I'd make better decisions than these and might be able to protect him. My hope is that it will help him to realize that life simply doesn't allow for utter and complete irresponsibility, that you ARE accountable for your actions and how they affect others. No matter how much I may try to convey to him this message in all my motherly glory, he is 15 after all and mostly thinks I'm completely full of it. Maybe from this he will have learned something valuable, at the very least he is learning about boundaries and limits. We are learning that one together I'm afraid.
Please take a moment to look through this site:
http://www.cnn.com/SPECIALS/2007/planet.in.peril/
While I'm generally unimpressed with CCN as it reeks of Fox-Lite, I was pleased to see this program last night on The Animal Planet. It's painful, to watch and absorb this information and we all know it's happening, but my hope is that the more infromation that is shared with the masses, that maybe it is possible for a difference to be made. I have a strong urges often to quite my job, sell everything and join Green Peace or the Peace Corps so I can stop feeling like so helpless. I know though, that first I must raise my own son and start with the changes at home while trying to affect change globally. Some how. I don't know how yet, I struggle with it b/c it never feels like enough. Anyway, please see the above mentioned link and consider the ways in which we can all commit our internal environmentalists and animal rights activists to something greater than ourselves.
Friday:
After several interesting phone calls, a lot of errands and at least two failed attempts to get my ass motivated enough to take the dog for a walk, I finally just gave up and started making dinner for Tammy. She showed up about 4:15 and we got to chatting, eating and hair cutting! Almost 6 inches of those long blonde locks ended up on the floor that night and while I'm still adjusting and it is shorter than I'd plan to go, it is totally liberating. Sort of like shedding skin. Metamorphosis. Like sunflowers and butterfly's:)
Update:
My Aunty made me post some pics, this is the best I can do at the moment with my camera phone, at work in the bathroom so my coworkers don't have funny thoughts about me.....
Saturday:
Ran errands all morning with Max. Correction, chauffeured Max around all morning to and fro all over town. After all that hubbubb, we spent the remainder of the day at Kristen's. First working on her resume. That was pretty fun actually, I was happy to help remind her of what a valuable individual she is. "Rock Band" became to distracting and we played for 5 straight hours! I foresee this game being in most homes across the states with families, it is a blast to play with others and addictive in the way that only a video game can be. It's not simple either, it's an actual game that requires a certain level of commitment when you start it to actually complete the levels. Kristen played guitar, Max was on drums and I sang. I now know why vocalists loose their voices often and have to take great care with them. 5 hours of belting out tunes pretty much wiped me out. Max was impressive on those drums, he may very well need his own kit. I may consider it for his bday this next year. Matt & Helen came over after and we spent a pretty mellow night just chillin' after all that.
Sunday:
Up bright and early to meet up with Helen's folks for the Christmas Town event in Georgetown. Our first year, a lot of fun! Sans the frigid temperatures and strong winds, it's something I'd like to do again next year with Max. Helen's family is very sweet, just good people and you can't deny that when you engage with people on that level. The interaction between her father and his family was quite moving for me, he has a smile that lights up a room, is soft spoken and clearly is a gentle man. Sometimes the sadness of not having had a father of my own to love me in that way is quite overpowering. I sometimes wonder what I might be like now if I'd had a kind and compassionate man to guide me through this life and help to shape my views on men and love. How I may be a different person and who she might be? I learned long ago that wondering about the past is mostly futile, rather I'd expend my energy in the direction of healing from the voids than focusing on them. What I can take from the interactions I see between fathers like Charlie and their children is the love that radiates from that and the incredible happiness I feel for the kids out there who are loved and cared for so deeply by their fathers. And mothers. Children are such a blessing, they deserve all the light life can offer them.
Speaking of blessings, my own son and I have been nit picking with one another off an on a lot lately. Last night however, he seemed more interested in snuggling and eating candy then bickering with me. Ah the gift of quiet time with your only child. We both fell asleep for a few hours as we were extremely physically drained from the day, with Kasha in between and our favorite warm blanket, it was a lovely nap. To which we were awoken to the bang bang bang of a distinct knock at the door. The "cop" knock is what most of you will know it as, the one where they bang on the door with their flashlight. The kind that will startle you right out of your skin if it is silent in your house. I went to investigate, only to not find an actual police officer (of which I've had my share recently) but rather a tall (and good looking) man at my door with a tow truck idling loudly in front of me house. Looking for you know who of course. I explained (again) the situation. In an obviously irritated voice, I asked this guy why he needed yet another explanation of this situation as I've given at least 7 different people the same information and back ground scenario many times that I may cough up hairballs if I have to go over it one more single time. He didn't have a good answer for me. I question just how coordinated this effort is, but it is out of my hands and I am so over it. Ready to move on. The tall, cute repo dude handed me a card and made me promise to give him a call if I heard anything he gracefully excused himself and bid me a good night. Meanwhile, Max had been holding Kasha, who seemed threatened by the entire situation, and was standing behind me giving this poor guy the stink eye the whole time. Max is protective of his momma, that's for certain. He directly asked me the other day if you know who had ever laid a hand on me, I told him of course not. That while it IS true that Chance's behaviors resemble that of some alien form of slime, probably related to the bottom feeder, pond scum variety, but that he was never violent with me physically. And if he had ever been, he'd be rolling around on the cement of our front walk way in agony from the precise and effective groin kick I'd deliver the moment he touched me in that way and begging me to call off the troops once they arrived. That made Max laugh, which was kind of the goal. He needs to feel confident that I can take care of myself and would NEVER allow that sort of thing, but I wondered what prompted that question from him. It seemed to take a lot of energy for him to even pose the question. How I'd wish to spare him from these kinds of drama's so young, somehow I thought I'd make better decisions than these and might be able to protect him. My hope is that it will help him to realize that life simply doesn't allow for utter and complete irresponsibility, that you ARE accountable for your actions and how they affect others. No matter how much I may try to convey to him this message in all my motherly glory, he is 15 after all and mostly thinks I'm completely full of it. Maybe from this he will have learned something valuable, at the very least he is learning about boundaries and limits. We are learning that one together I'm afraid.
Please take a moment to look through this site:
http://www.cnn.com/SPECIALS/2007/planet.in.peril/
While I'm generally unimpressed with CCN as it reeks of Fox-Lite, I was pleased to see this program last night on The Animal Planet. It's painful, to watch and absorb this information and we all know it's happening, but my hope is that the more infromation that is shared with the masses, that maybe it is possible for a difference to be made. I have a strong urges often to quite my job, sell everything and join Green Peace or the Peace Corps so I can stop feeling like so helpless. I know though, that first I must raise my own son and start with the changes at home while trying to affect change globally. Some how. I don't know how yet, I struggle with it b/c it never feels like enough. Anyway, please see the above mentioned link and consider the ways in which we can all commit our internal environmentalists and animal rights activists to something greater than ourselves.
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