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I guess it's time to write. I don't really feel like it this morning, but I know I should as I've not had a thoughtful blogg in several few days. It's funny how I can go from bouncy spunk to sullen moodiness within only a day or two. It's sort of frustrating and though I'm sure it's mostly just due to the "gifts" of being a woman, I'd still rather be in bed sleeping warmly and quietly. Getting up this morning was harder than expected and I've still not really pulled the sleep from my eyes or mind for that matter.

The New House is really blooming, I love it. It feels like it might take us months to unpack and really settle in, but everyone works and has lives...moving in addition to "life" is probably not ideal, but people do it all the time so I'm sure we'll find a way. We are all moved out of the other house, it is a relief to say the least. I was not saddened in any way to say goodbye to that location, it holds many memories....some very bright and some very dark. It served it's purpose for Max and I at that particular time in our lives, but departure is long since over due and I am grateful that the opportunity to move forward presented itself and allowed us to see it to fruition. The New House, like the New Year is a rejuvenation of spirit and though I feel down and tired today, I feel much less overwhelmed or exhausted by day to day life just by being there each day. The New House is very bright and welcoming, I know it will bring us many happy years and to that I look forward to tremendously. I trust the financing will come to make the decorative changes happen, as well as the functional. It will all come full circle, we are hoping in about a year we will what we need to make the house "ours."

New Years weekend was relatively quiet over all, for which I am thankful. Trust me. In addition to The Move and The Holidays, we've had endless weekends of friends over, functions and events and I am totally wiped out. We spent about half of it cleaning up the New House and clearing out The Old House and being happy about it all. The remaining half was devoted primarily to Chance and I reconnecting with one another and our choices as a unit and respective individuals. It was sorely needed I think and like many other aspects of our lives, our relationship has gone unnoticed in the hustle and bustle of the events of the past several months. Chance and I have many details to work through, as I suppose relationships of all sorts do. I think the question is one of balance and how to achieve that balance with one another and each others need, while meeting our own personal needs and desires as individuals. We both have unique physical, mental, spiritual and emotional needs and wants. I suspect how and if those mesh together will be an ongoing source of discussion, quandary and the foundation in which we will build our love and life together.

In any event, The New Years came in quietly and we spent the next day lounging about not doing a whole lot of anything and simply enjoying one another's company. A delightful day:)

Monday, Maxter came home from being up and Grandma & Grandpas (his Dad's parents) for a whole week. He typically spends a week with them during the Holidays and week in the Summer. This time, his father was there for about 3 of those days. It sounds like they had a great deal of fun and Max has talked about him regularly since the visit. Max is showing quite an interest in developing a relationship with his father, he's a very lucky young man that he has the opportunity to do so and though hesitant, I am excited about the idea that Max may be able to form a bond with this person who helped to create him. Fathers are special beings, something I may not be able to know directly from experience as my memories of my father are strange and fuzzy, but it seems common sense that Max deserves any opportunity possible to know and understand his Dad.
How ever eager Max is about getting to know his Dad, there will probably always be some hesitation from my side. I am working hard not to openly display this to Max, but he's pretty intuitive. I have a range of emotion about the issue, from rage and anger to fear. How dare Sean just pop up all the sudden after I've worked so hard to create a good life for Max? Has everyone forgotten about the abuse and drugs and all the crap he brought into my life? I am accountable for much of it, but him beating the shit out of me isn't my fault and it still really pisses me off that at that time in his life, he seemed to think this was an acceptable way to treat a female. More specifically the Mother of his child. He threw Max on the couch trying to get to me and that was it, and it got bad. I went to the hospital that day with a concussion and required several stitches to a head wound on the back of my head and forehead. Sitting in that emergency room for the 3rd time in so many months put a rage into me that I've not felt since. I left him to protect Max and I later realized, to protect myself too. I didn't know I was better than that, I didn't know that "love" from men was NOT supposed to include some sort of abuse...I just did not know that, I did it cuz I could NOT stand the idea that he might hurt Max. Max doesn't know any of this. Max does not know that I have reasons to be hesitant and concerned and quite frankly, have days where I just wish Sean would go away and find somewhere else to be a pain in someone's ass.

I am slowly acclimating to the idea though in reality I have little choice and ultimately, I must remember that this isn't about me. This about supporting the one thing I cherish more than anything in the world, supporting him in venturing out and checking out this guy that's his Dad. Supporting Max. This isn't about how much it stings me that his Dad gets to play "The Cool Guy" once every three months and I get to be the disciplinarian, and work crazy hours to support this child and make sure he's fed and warm and loved. This isn't about how I think that Max secretly wants to live with his Dad because he thinks there are no rules and doesn't seem to care all that much about school and it irritates me that Max doesn't seem as invested in himself as the rest of us. This isn't about how hard it's been raising Max without an OUNCE of child support and until now, I've left it alone because I'd rather do this alone and struggle than deal with his father who makes me nauseas when I think of him.
This isn't about me because if it were about me, that would be completely inappropriate at this point. It would be a selfish train of thought, certain levels of selfish behavior is abuse...the very cycle I am working desperately to break.

As long as Max's safety is not an issue, I am left with little choice and at this point I know that he is safe in the manner in which they are spending time together as it is monitored by Max's grandparents. Though I have my concerns about them to. But that is for another day.

Breathe. The fact remains that Max is home and that is good. When he is away from me I do not feel ok. At all. The time he is away from me will likely increase as he becomes more like a teenager (which is happening very quickly) and if visitation is granted to Sean. I expect a court case in the coming months.

Ok, moving on. Work has settled a touch. I really have tons to do and have had a hard time focusing these past few days, but there's not as much heat as in the past few weeks. I am really out of it today. Some days I just don't' want to work. I guess that's not a sin to say out loud. But it is what it is and I am by default, required to work. My question is...how in the bloody hell will my generation EVER be allowed to retire? Really?

I am feeling very motivated to write some poetry and am hoping for some more time to do that soon, maybe tonight. I am also getting back to my normal state of reading, something I've lacked for several months now. No time. Now is the time. I miss words. I like them, I like to absorb them. I like to say them. I like to place them in sentences and think of them as variable conditions to a thought.

I really should get back to work. I feel my entry today sounds rather moody short in tone, that is not my intention. Even the Bubble Princess has days where she feels plain and indifferent and unimportant. Freaking hormones. These are the days when I struggle to embrace the beauty of woman hood. Not because I do not love being female, because it is a gift and one I happen to be blessed with. Yay me:) Nope, it's mostly that I just wish I had a little more control over my body and it's behaviors. Some day I will, probably not in this life time...but I imagine through space and time if I am lucky, my little spirit will evolve into quite a powerful one and I will be able to acknowledge the stupid cramps and body that feels foreign rather than familiar as an important part of my progression. In the immediate moment though, I feel like curling up in a ball and going to sleep with a warm blankey and my kitty. Meow.