I Don't Feel A Day Over 29 :)

Today is the big day. I will spend the day in celebration of my birth into this physical body and the progressive growth of my spirit.

Today represents the turn of a decade. Certainly not something one does every day, and while I have that very real sense that I am but a wee little cherub bouncing my way through sublime design; I also very gratefully acknowledge The Universe in it's kindness for giving me the opportunity to live 30 years in this life, the last 10 being quite potent in their own unique manner. I also acknowledge myself for achieving year 30 with prosperity, vigor, beauty and landing myself here in such fine condition.

This is not say that I have not bumped into things along the way and fallen. Fallen down hard. Sort of like a shiny little toddler, diligently climbing the stairs and landing straight on my arse when missing that one critical step.

And a lot of falling on her arse, Sarah did do! Oh my.

My 20's have been powerful; brimming with activity, progress and development. Both internally and externally. The world seems a very different place to me than 10 years ago, I am not sure if this true or just my naive mind expanding enough to allow the many sources of reality in. I am quite sure that then too, wars were waging, people were starving to death and dying from rampant diseases, hatred and intolerance and the Super-Powers clashing over greed and resources. Obviously these examples are not new, but the world that exists today's seems in drastic contrast to 1996 at age 20 and even more so, 1986 when I was 10. But even with that all the negative connotations I've made here about how the world has changed, I would also say that I see the revolutions of Progress (this is one of my favorite words, I use it often and it fills my spirit with light) everywhere, with all this change moving forward our collective horizons will continue to brighten and broaden.

However, internally speaking, I can easily state that my 20's were by far the most Progressive for me personally thus far. Through extensive trial and error, I gained a clearer sense of my varying degrees of "self" throughout this time period.

• I tried to be a "good" Mother, some days I tried harder than others and some times less than I probably could've.
  
• My definitions of Motherhood changed.
  
• I learned, I graduated from College.
  
• I learned the world does not stop when you feel your life has fallen apart.
  
• I worked, I worked hard. Real hard.
  
• I had everything and almost lost it, several times.
  
• I spent hours upon hours pouring over any and all information I could get my hands on about the World Religions.
  
• I learned that no one religion would ever satisfy my spirit, but they ALL hold value and meaning.
  
• I accepted myself as a loveable and spiritual being.
  
• I accepted love from others, begrudgingly at first.
  
• I played, I loved, I loved to play.
  
• My heart broke for numerous reasons, numerous times.
  
• I danced and giggled with my buddies and partied alot.
  
• I learned that I can sing, with my voice and with my heart.
  
• I was single, involved, and had a myriad of relationships and interactions that cannot be labeled.
  
• I learned the true meaning of abstinence.
  
• I hurt people, they hurt me, there was a lot of hurting.
  
• My family and I struggled to repair the relationship that I all but shattered in my teens.
  
• I was sick, I saw sickness and more death than I care to remember.
  
• I healed, my heart, my body, mind, my spirit.
  
• I abused my heart, body, mind and spirit.
  
• I cried, I laughed, I raged, I panicked, I fear, I blossomed.
  
• I gave and I lost.
  
• I moved around few times, went through a few cars. Got a few speeding tickets.
  
• I realized how rewarding it was to push my physical limits.
  
• I traveled, I hiked, camped, did some boating and tubing and wake boarding.
  
• I enjoyed My Mountains and My Washington and even Wisconsin.
  
• I finally figured out that I am capable AND responsible.
  
• I acknowledged the child in me and loved her....and forgave her.
  
• I lived alot.
  

10 years cannot be summed up by a mere list of bullet points, but it seems a good start.

I have very little regret and many profound memories and experiences. Some positive, some very painful, some so completely rewarding that I doubt it's something one can recapture in words.

I remember moments when I thought my life was over, my heart wrenched so badly, I couldn't speak or move. If I could find a way to go back in time and console myself on those days and to let myself then know that my future self is very happy; completely loved and closer to a whole person than she was the day before...I wish I could, but then I wouldn't be me now.

I remember moments when I felt so completely alive and vibrant and lucid, I never wanted them to end. But they do end because none of us feel that way in every moment of every life. Took me a while to figure that one out and be ok with it.

With this reflection, I send a fond farewell to my 20 something self(s) - thanks for the glitter AND the glare.

What my 30's bring are a mystery, but I'm not nearly as fearful of that thought as I might've been once. Luckily, this IS one of those moments where I feel completely alive because I did make it and I am proud of myself. I can take stock and know that I did some thing, I lived and can breathe deeply and soundly in knowing that. I can then look wide eyed and with a warm heart toward the days to come.

Happy Birthday To Me.