Friday: Mary & Howard treated C & I to my favorite Sushi at Sushi SaSa's in LoDo. It is the freshest, most beautifully prepared and generally outstanding Sushi I've ever had. We've eaten there only twice, but each time I've left there wondering what it might be like to eat food like that every day? I always feel perfectly satisfied, comforted and not the least bit guilty when we eat there. SaSa's was a hit, Mary & Howard are amazing. Our conversation was outstanding and every moment I have with them feels like a gift as they are unlike anyone else in my life. They presented me with a gorgeous choker for my birthday, I know the store from which it was purchased and all the jewerly is handmade and unique. It is a celctic knotwork of some sort of metal, I'm not sure, but it's really stunning and I feel proud to wear it. I am a choker fan, as most in my life know but often they can look a little trampy sometimes so I avoid the uber cheap sort. This is not cheap, nor trampy looking and is quite elegant and I can't wait to wear it. I adore it. I am very pecular about jewerly so they took a bit of a risk on this one, but it is really lovely and I keep eyeballing it and wondering if I can get away with wearing it all the time:)
Max was in a mood before Sushi and I decided to send him with Colleen for a few hours while we were downtown. I am learning that some times it is best for us to take breaks from each other when he's moody or else the tension escelates. We went to pick up Max and Colleen and I decided to go bowling and have a little girls night out fun. Matt & Rhi met up with us and I also had the pleasure of talking to a "2 Martini's and no dinner Crystal", laugh. She was hillarious and promised that she would eat something after we got off the phone. I hope so Crys ~ Shakes Finger ~
It was a fun night over all but after Sushi, we should've just gone home and called it a night. I intended to do so but next thing I know we are at our house at 2 AM. I don't know how many more times I have to explain that I don't have the money, energy or interest in making those evenings last far past their prime. It's not any one persons fault, but needless to say, it's a conversation that's been had too many times and I'm done with it and I know also that Chance will draw boundaries if I cannot, he is pretty upset with me right now and I will not live with his anger on my concsious for a few hours of partying with my friends. I love him and I love what we have. I am happily looking forward to a quiet weekend with Max, Chance and myself and many many many more to come.
Saturday I was worthless and layed around all day with Max, snuggling and watching movies and sleeping on the futon. ouch. We did have Twinkie Dog for a puppy sleep over, that was fun. Twinkie is my friends Weeny Dog. She is not shy about kissing:) She slept tucked under my right knee most of the night and that was very sweet. She also managed to completely piss Gaia Cat off, Gaia Cat was in a constant state of POOF for the entire 24 hours and probably hates us now. Pumpkin Cat is used to dawgs, but still has a strong distaste for them, she swatted Twinkie at least twice, but Pumpkin has like 2 teeth and no claws (Mom had her declawed when she was born) so I don't think Twinkie was to upset.
Sunday we went crazy and cleaned the entire house, pretty spic and span and there is much more to do. I managed to make everyone mad by being in my "cleaning mode" which I am still paying for, but wish everyone wouldn't take it so personal. Max and Chance work hard and help alot, it's a united effort...but there are just some things that have to be done my way or I am not happy. Like the bathroom, bedrooms and kitchen. I like things to be neat and clean and when I'm in the mode, it's best to just stay out of my way and let me be in my little cleaning frenzy. Neurotic or not, it's the way I am. As Mary pointed out, I am a very aesthetic person (more on that later) and I like things a certain way. Sue me, cripes.
And then we went even more crazy and financed ourselves into some gorgeous furniture and a whole lot more debt! WOO HOO. I've managed to go from virtually NO debt to mega debt (mostly the house) in the past 3 months! Ahh, it's the American Dream right (said Sarah, dripping with sarcasm.) We may have to take some back, I'm not sure (I am waiting for Chance to start yelling at me) but it's sure going to look nice and we keep trying to reason that all people need decent furniture and we are all covered sans the items we bought and we really shouldn't have to get any more now for years to come. A bit of buyers remorse I think, but I really think it was the right thing to do. If we are focused on our home and making it our home, this shouldn't be a problem.
So the weekend was good, great Sushi and some fun shopping. I made the 1st payment on our mortgage today, it felt really good. The house is beginning to feel more and more like "us" every day. Max has a cold :( BOOOO! I hope he feels better and doesn't pass it around the house!
Monday, January 30, 2006
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
I Don't Feel A Day Over 29 :)
Today is the big day. I will spend the day in celebration of my birth into this physical body and the progressive growth of my spirit.
Today represents the turn of a decade. Certainly not something one does every day, and while I have that very real sense that I am but a wee little cherub bouncing my way through sublime design; I also very gratefully acknowledge The Universe in it's kindness for giving me the opportunity to live 30 years in this life, the last 10 being quite potent in their own unique manner. I also acknowledge myself for achieving year 30 with prosperity, vigor, beauty and landing myself here in such fine condition.
This is not say that I have not bumped into things along the way and fallen. Fallen down hard. Sort of like a shiny little toddler, diligently climbing the stairs and landing straight on my arse when missing that one critical step.
And a lot of falling on her arse, Sarah did do! Oh my.
My 20's have been powerful; brimming with activity, progress and development. Both internally and externally. The world seems a very different place to me than 10 years ago, I am not sure if this true or just my naive mind expanding enough to allow the many sources of reality in. I am quite sure that then too, wars were waging, people were starving to death and dying from rampant diseases, hatred and intolerance and the Super-Powers clashing over greed and resources. Obviously these examples are not new, but the world that exists today's seems in drastic contrast to 1996 at age 20 and even more so, 1986 when I was 10. But even with that all the negative connotations I've made here about how the world has changed, I would also say that I see the revolutions of Progress (this is one of my favorite words, I use it often and it fills my spirit with light) everywhere, with all this change moving forward our collective horizons will continue to brighten and broaden.
However, internally speaking, I can easily state that my 20's were by far the most Progressive for me personally thus far. Through extensive trial and error, I gained a clearer sense of my varying degrees of "self" throughout this time period.
10 years cannot be summed up by a mere list of bullet points, but it seems a good start.
I have very little regret and many profound memories and experiences. Some positive, some very painful, some so completely rewarding that I doubt it's something one can recapture in words.
I remember moments when I thought my life was over, my heart wrenched so badly, I couldn't speak or move. If I could find a way to go back in time and console myself on those days and to let myself then know that my future self is very happy; completely loved and closer to a whole person than she was the day before...I wish I could, but then I wouldn't be me now.
I remember moments when I felt so completely alive and vibrant and lucid, I never wanted them to end. But they do end because none of us feel that way in every moment of every life. Took me a while to figure that one out and be ok with it.
With this reflection, I send a fond farewell to my 20 something self(s) - thanks for the glitter AND the glare.
What my 30's bring are a mystery, but I'm not nearly as fearful of that thought as I might've been once. Luckily, this IS one of those moments where I feel completely alive because I did make it and I am proud of myself. I can take stock and know that I did some thing, I lived and can breathe deeply and soundly in knowing that. I can then look wide eyed and with a warm heart toward the days to come.
Happy Birthday To Me.
Today represents the turn of a decade. Certainly not something one does every day, and while I have that very real sense that I am but a wee little cherub bouncing my way through sublime design; I also very gratefully acknowledge The Universe in it's kindness for giving me the opportunity to live 30 years in this life, the last 10 being quite potent in their own unique manner. I also acknowledge myself for achieving year 30 with prosperity, vigor, beauty and landing myself here in such fine condition.
This is not say that I have not bumped into things along the way and fallen. Fallen down hard. Sort of like a shiny little toddler, diligently climbing the stairs and landing straight on my arse when missing that one critical step.
And a lot of falling on her arse, Sarah did do! Oh my.
My 20's have been powerful; brimming with activity, progress and development. Both internally and externally. The world seems a very different place to me than 10 years ago, I am not sure if this true or just my naive mind expanding enough to allow the many sources of reality in. I am quite sure that then too, wars were waging, people were starving to death and dying from rampant diseases, hatred and intolerance and the Super-Powers clashing over greed and resources. Obviously these examples are not new, but the world that exists today's seems in drastic contrast to 1996 at age 20 and even more so, 1986 when I was 10. But even with that all the negative connotations I've made here about how the world has changed, I would also say that I see the revolutions of Progress (this is one of my favorite words, I use it often and it fills my spirit with light) everywhere, with all this change moving forward our collective horizons will continue to brighten and broaden.
However, internally speaking, I can easily state that my 20's were by far the most Progressive for me personally thus far. Through extensive trial and error, I gained a clearer sense of my varying degrees of "self" throughout this time period.
- I tried to be a "good" Mother, some days I tried harder than others and some times less than I probably could've.
- My definitions of Motherhood changed.
- I learned, I graduated from College.
- I learned the world does not stop when you feel your life has fallen apart.
- I worked, I worked hard. Real hard.
- I had everything and almost lost it, several times.
- I spent hours upon hours pouring over any and all information I could get my hands on about the World Religions.
- I learned that no one religion would ever satisfy my spirit, but they ALL hold value and meaning.
- I accepted myself as a loveable and spiritual being.
- I accepted love from others, begrudgingly at first.
- I played, I loved, I loved to play.
- My heart broke for numerous reasons, numerous times.
- I danced and giggled with my buddies and partied alot.
- I learned that I can sing, with my voice and with my heart.
- I was single, involved, and had a myriad of relationships and interactions that cannot be labeled.
- I learned the true meaning of abstinence.
- I hurt people, they hurt me, there was a lot of hurting.
- My family and I struggled to repair the relationship that I all but shattered in my teens.
- I was sick, I saw sickness and more death than I care to remember.
- I healed, my heart, my body, mind, my spirit.
- I abused my heart, body, mind and spirit.
- I cried, I laughed, I raged, I panicked, I fear, I blossomed.
- I gave and I lost.
- I moved around few times, went through a few cars. Got a few speeding tickets.
- I realized how rewarding it was to push my physical limits.
- I traveled, I hiked, camped, did some boating and tubing and wake boarding.
- I enjoyed My Mountains and My Washington and even Wisconsin.
- I finally figured out that I am capable AND responsible.
- I acknowledged the child in me and loved her....and forgave her.
- I lived alot.
10 years cannot be summed up by a mere list of bullet points, but it seems a good start.
I have very little regret and many profound memories and experiences. Some positive, some very painful, some so completely rewarding that I doubt it's something one can recapture in words.
I remember moments when I thought my life was over, my heart wrenched so badly, I couldn't speak or move. If I could find a way to go back in time and console myself on those days and to let myself then know that my future self is very happy; completely loved and closer to a whole person than she was the day before...I wish I could, but then I wouldn't be me now.
I remember moments when I felt so completely alive and vibrant and lucid, I never wanted them to end. But they do end because none of us feel that way in every moment of every life. Took me a while to figure that one out and be ok with it.
With this reflection, I send a fond farewell to my 20 something self(s) - thanks for the glitter AND the glare.
What my 30's bring are a mystery, but I'm not nearly as fearful of that thought as I might've been once. Luckily, this IS one of those moments where I feel completely alive because I did make it and I am proud of myself. I can take stock and know that I did some thing, I lived and can breathe deeply and soundly in knowing that. I can then look wide eyed and with a warm heart toward the days to come.
Happy Birthday To Me.
Monday, January 23, 2006
Monday Marvels
I am tired but in good spirits, though the events from Friday evening are lingering and I am thrilled we could give Matty one last hooo-rah at Ecks I am also VERY ready for a break from the festivities as of late. Very.
We'll miss you Matty, be good...but not too good cuz that's no fun right? :)
We had baby Evan most of the weekend which is always a really enjoyable experience for me, he is so special and there is no question that he gets the Mommy side of my brain thinking very hard about whether I want another baby or not. BUT....it is only a fleeting thought of grandeur as while the urge is there the logic overrules it. Mostly. Besides, C and I did agree that children of our own are most likely NOT part of our future together so it's something we both agree on, even Evan does some how start manipulating that thought process for us. I've never seen a baby that smiles so much, he smiles when you pick him up...he smiles if he sees you walk into a room, his feet are pretty fascinating right now and he's almost sitting up on his own. Not quite though, he's doing that drunken fall to the right side thing that all babies do. The idea of being a part of his life is really exciting to me, I am eager to see what the future has to bring for him but also so totally content to just enjoy him in the moment. This is something I am trying very hard to remind his Momma and Poppa of. Like all parents, they can't wait until he walks and talks and does this or that, but I am trying to very gently convey the message that this time goes sooner than you ever even thought possible and babies are a unique and fantastic experience, no reason to rush it. And like all of us who would nod and smile and THINK we know that cliché is true about children being grown before you now it...but you don't really know until your son walks up to you one day and tells you he can bench press 150 lbs and he's the strongest kid in his school he thinks. Babies cannot bench press 150 lbs, babies sit in your lap and play peek a boo and that's a whole lot of fun. My son is having visions of trying to bench press me, he is not sitting in my lap drooling and giggling at me. Max is totally great though, even if he's isn't drooling and hanging on my like a monkey...but I do miss those days. sigh.
Update on Travel Plans for 2006:
We are likely looking at mid-late summer for our visit to WA. This is because Max (if grades are consistent) will probably be on vacation over Spring Break in Oregon with his Dad's parents. It is a good incentive for him to keep his grades up and I think it's a great opportunity to travel, he's an adventurous little booger so we need to feed that need for adventure in positive ways. It was a hard choice for me as I would MUCH prefer to spend Spring Break in Washington State with my fabulous family and visit Crys & Dane in Seattle...but sometimes what I want and what he needs don't mesh so evenly. Plus this way we can come in the summer (we are thinking late July/early August) and maybe get to spend an extra few days. It is very exciting to think of and I will keep everyone updated on plans as we proceed. Please don't hesitate to let me know if there is anything that needs considering for our visit this time of year, if it doesn't work...please let me know.
In other news my dreams have been horrendous lately and I am quite sure that Chance's suggestion about grounding energy is a wise idea. I also think we need to cleanse the house, we've been putting it off as we wanted to wait until we were all settled and had a good balance in the house but that is taking longer than expected. So it's time, because my dreams and the house seem related in some manner. Most likely it's all the change forcing my mind into overdrive, I also think that every horror film I've ever seen is somehow trying to replay itself now...because a) we have stairs and the WORST horror movie I've ever seen has the creepiest stair scene (i.e.The Grudge) and b) we have a basement now and basements are just a little creepy no matter what, the movies with awful basement scenes are endless. Seems all these years of loving to watch films that freak me out are catching up with me. That's real nice, thank you Stephen King.
Max is doing great, he's got a very demanding (but stunning!) girlfriend named Kayla. Let me for the record, just state that the 7th Graders of 2005/2006 in no way resemble the 7th Graders of 1988/89. I always thought I'd be that "cool" mom that wouldn't get all worked up at how her kids generation is dressing...and really I am not, what's more astonishing is how ADULT in nature they look and dress. Kayla's features are very much that of a young woman, not a 13 year old. Most of the girls in Max's class look like they are closer to 18 or 19 then 12 and 13. Not to mention that the women of this generation are openly independent thinkers and very clear about what they want and that they will get what they want, whatever that may be. It is exciting to see these young ladies kicking ass and going after what they want, but these poor boys have their hands full. Plus, I think it's a LITTLE unbalanced...our culture is so slow to learn the balance and the roles of men and women are still so completely subject to interpretation/belief systems and cultural status that these kids have no clue how to find the balance because we've yet to demonstrate it accurately. Anyway, Max is doing good and seems very happy about the house. And oh yes, in case you missed it...he can bench press 150 lbs. And he really likes Baby Evan and Baby Evan adores Max, which is very sweet for Max's Momma to see her special mid-sized kiddo doing so well with a very small little person. Max is so gentle with Evan, it's really astonishing. He just gets this baby thing and it really makes me wonder what goes on his head about babies, he genuinely seems to enjoy them. I don't remember liking babies at all when I was 13. I'm not sure if I should be thrilled or very nervous about becoming a Grandmother WAY too young.
Ok, I should get to work and finish up this day so I can go home!
Hope all is well, much love
peace
We'll miss you Matty, be good...but not too good cuz that's no fun right? :)
We had baby Evan most of the weekend which is always a really enjoyable experience for me, he is so special and there is no question that he gets the Mommy side of my brain thinking very hard about whether I want another baby or not. BUT....it is only a fleeting thought of grandeur as while the urge is there the logic overrules it. Mostly. Besides, C and I did agree that children of our own are most likely NOT part of our future together so it's something we both agree on, even Evan does some how start manipulating that thought process for us. I've never seen a baby that smiles so much, he smiles when you pick him up...he smiles if he sees you walk into a room, his feet are pretty fascinating right now and he's almost sitting up on his own. Not quite though, he's doing that drunken fall to the right side thing that all babies do. The idea of being a part of his life is really exciting to me, I am eager to see what the future has to bring for him but also so totally content to just enjoy him in the moment. This is something I am trying very hard to remind his Momma and Poppa of. Like all parents, they can't wait until he walks and talks and does this or that, but I am trying to very gently convey the message that this time goes sooner than you ever even thought possible and babies are a unique and fantastic experience, no reason to rush it. And like all of us who would nod and smile and THINK we know that cliché is true about children being grown before you now it...but you don't really know until your son walks up to you one day and tells you he can bench press 150 lbs and he's the strongest kid in his school he thinks. Babies cannot bench press 150 lbs, babies sit in your lap and play peek a boo and that's a whole lot of fun. My son is having visions of trying to bench press me, he is not sitting in my lap drooling and giggling at me. Max is totally great though, even if he's isn't drooling and hanging on my like a monkey...but I do miss those days. sigh.
Update on Travel Plans for 2006:
We are likely looking at mid-late summer for our visit to WA. This is because Max (if grades are consistent) will probably be on vacation over Spring Break in Oregon with his Dad's parents. It is a good incentive for him to keep his grades up and I think it's a great opportunity to travel, he's an adventurous little booger so we need to feed that need for adventure in positive ways. It was a hard choice for me as I would MUCH prefer to spend Spring Break in Washington State with my fabulous family and visit Crys & Dane in Seattle...but sometimes what I want and what he needs don't mesh so evenly. Plus this way we can come in the summer (we are thinking late July/early August) and maybe get to spend an extra few days. It is very exciting to think of and I will keep everyone updated on plans as we proceed. Please don't hesitate to let me know if there is anything that needs considering for our visit this time of year, if it doesn't work...please let me know.
In other news my dreams have been horrendous lately and I am quite sure that Chance's suggestion about grounding energy is a wise idea. I also think we need to cleanse the house, we've been putting it off as we wanted to wait until we were all settled and had a good balance in the house but that is taking longer than expected. So it's time, because my dreams and the house seem related in some manner. Most likely it's all the change forcing my mind into overdrive, I also think that every horror film I've ever seen is somehow trying to replay itself now...because a) we have stairs and the WORST horror movie I've ever seen has the creepiest stair scene (i.e.The Grudge) and b) we have a basement now and basements are just a little creepy no matter what, the movies with awful basement scenes are endless. Seems all these years of loving to watch films that freak me out are catching up with me. That's real nice, thank you Stephen King.
Max is doing great, he's got a very demanding (but stunning!) girlfriend named Kayla. Let me for the record, just state that the 7th Graders of 2005/2006 in no way resemble the 7th Graders of 1988/89. I always thought I'd be that "cool" mom that wouldn't get all worked up at how her kids generation is dressing...and really I am not, what's more astonishing is how ADULT in nature they look and dress. Kayla's features are very much that of a young woman, not a 13 year old. Most of the girls in Max's class look like they are closer to 18 or 19 then 12 and 13. Not to mention that the women of this generation are openly independent thinkers and very clear about what they want and that they will get what they want, whatever that may be. It is exciting to see these young ladies kicking ass and going after what they want, but these poor boys have their hands full. Plus, I think it's a LITTLE unbalanced...our culture is so slow to learn the balance and the roles of men and women are still so completely subject to interpretation/belief systems and cultural status that these kids have no clue how to find the balance because we've yet to demonstrate it accurately. Anyway, Max is doing good and seems very happy about the house. And oh yes, in case you missed it...he can bench press 150 lbs. And he really likes Baby Evan and Baby Evan adores Max, which is very sweet for Max's Momma to see her special mid-sized kiddo doing so well with a very small little person. Max is so gentle with Evan, it's really astonishing. He just gets this baby thing and it really makes me wonder what goes on his head about babies, he genuinely seems to enjoy them. I don't remember liking babies at all when I was 13. I'm not sure if I should be thrilled or very nervous about becoming a Grandmother WAY too young.
Ok, I should get to work and finish up this day so I can go home!
Hope all is well, much love
peace
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Wednesday's Word Of The Day
"castrophany"
(See today's Ballad Of Baby Fish update!)
Let's see...random middle of the week thoughts....
- The house is a mess and needs more work than I have energy for, but everyone keeps telling me that "it will be there tomorrow" and this is what I keep trying to calm C with when he starts getting worked up about the house. I just want our home to be gorgeous and neat and perfect, no one but C and I can make that happen so we need to stop being lazy and get on it danget!
- It REALLY irritates me when Max flat out ignores me when I ask him to do something. It makes me want to wring his little neck, I want to believe this is normal teenage boy behavior, but it just seems like such blatant disrespect and what can I do about it? I can't force him to do anything, but I can make his life miserable if needed I guess. Which I just don't want to do and really, things like removing privileges don't have a whole lot of effect on him...he just goes up to his room and goes to sleep. Note to those of you with out kids: When you discipline your child, it often feels a punishment to you. No fun, but necessary. I am, however, researching a method in which I can lock him the closet and keep him safe and focused for the next 5 years or so and he will emerge into a beautiful butterfly of a man from his cocoon. I think this might be illegal, I'm not sure...but I am trying to find a way to produce such a method and than market it to the other parents I know, cuz I KNOW I am not the only one who wants to pull my hair out over their kid.
- I am feeling anxious about the weekend because we have far to much to do, very little money and numerous social obligations all of which are important. I am just generally overwhelmed by all of it and wish to hide out in my house and set up knick-knacks and play with my new cd's.
- Speaking of cd's, on a cd buying binge. Amazon.com has some fab deals and often has access to the more obscure music that is hard to find.
- I really need to write my family, I haven't written or spoken to RoseBud (my half-sis) in months and my sweet cousin Kenari has written some fantastic letters that I keep thinking on but need the time to reply. I think in addition to the Kid-Kakkoon mentioned above, I should look into additional limbs and possibly another head to manage my current existence without feeling guilty.
- Chance has been such a dear as of late, he is such an amazing person and each day I find renewed love for him in my heart.
- I have been having absolutely awful dreams the kind I don't even want to describe...last night was good though, probably cuz I talked about my freaky dreams and had a good talking to with my subconscious about said dreams.
I should run to work...in spite of how this may sound I am not complaining...life is amazing and good and healthy and I love it. But I am not making apologies either, needed to rant for a moment so I did. And now I feel better:)
Ta ta all, peace.
(See today's Ballad Of Baby Fish update!)
Let's see...random middle of the week thoughts....
- The house is a mess and needs more work than I have energy for, but everyone keeps telling me that "it will be there tomorrow" and this is what I keep trying to calm C with when he starts getting worked up about the house. I just want our home to be gorgeous and neat and perfect, no one but C and I can make that happen so we need to stop being lazy and get on it danget!
- It REALLY irritates me when Max flat out ignores me when I ask him to do something. It makes me want to wring his little neck, I want to believe this is normal teenage boy behavior, but it just seems like such blatant disrespect and what can I do about it? I can't force him to do anything, but I can make his life miserable if needed I guess. Which I just don't want to do and really, things like removing privileges don't have a whole lot of effect on him...he just goes up to his room and goes to sleep. Note to those of you with out kids: When you discipline your child, it often feels a punishment to you. No fun, but necessary. I am, however, researching a method in which I can lock him the closet and keep him safe and focused for the next 5 years or so and he will emerge into a beautiful butterfly of a man from his cocoon. I think this might be illegal, I'm not sure...but I am trying to find a way to produce such a method and than market it to the other parents I know, cuz I KNOW I am not the only one who wants to pull my hair out over their kid.
- I am feeling anxious about the weekend because we have far to much to do, very little money and numerous social obligations all of which are important. I am just generally overwhelmed by all of it and wish to hide out in my house and set up knick-knacks and play with my new cd's.
- Speaking of cd's, on a cd buying binge. Amazon.com has some fab deals and often has access to the more obscure music that is hard to find.
- I really need to write my family, I haven't written or spoken to RoseBud (my half-sis) in months and my sweet cousin Kenari has written some fantastic letters that I keep thinking on but need the time to reply. I think in addition to the Kid-Kakkoon mentioned above, I should look into additional limbs and possibly another head to manage my current existence without feeling guilty.
- Chance has been such a dear as of late, he is such an amazing person and each day I find renewed love for him in my heart.
- I have been having absolutely awful dreams the kind I don't even want to describe...last night was good though, probably cuz I talked about my freaky dreams and had a good talking to with my subconscious about said dreams.
I should run to work...in spite of how this may sound I am not complaining...life is amazing and good and healthy and I love it. But I am not making apologies either, needed to rant for a moment so I did. And now I feel better:)
Ta ta all, peace.
Friday, January 13, 2006
Ladies, Say Goodbye To Your Reproductive Rights!
Looks like Alito will be confirmed, I can hardly contain my joy.
GWB sure did a good job finding another feller to get up there and follow up where his last nominee fell off, ah well, that shouldn't be entirely surprising right? Boo!!!! Alito is notorious for picking apart abortion laws to an absurd degree in an effort to avoid ruling on them, then ruling in favor of contraception and then very openly demonizing gay marriage. Where's the logic here? This scares me due to the shear fact that this man is no longer simply deemed honorable of RULING based on a Supreme Court Law, he now has the ability create and pass them...and of course, amend current laws. Like Roe V. Wade.
Even more than this, his obvious partialness to conservative, right-wing "traditional values" is completely terrifying to me. Is a judge not supposed to be an impartial voice? How can a decision be made with such clear leanings toward the right? I guess that doesn't matter since the entire United States Government is leaning to the right so far it's practically tumbling over with "traditional values", the spin is incredible. I believe this will change with time, but it is what it is for at least another 2 years.
I could easily rant about how it is so completely ridiculous that a MAN is even in the position to make decisions about what I do with or to my body or who I do it with; that these wealthy, upper crust white-bread men have no idea what it means to be a young pregnant teenager, a rape victim, an incest survivor. I could easily argue that it shouldn't matter if Woman A is a carrying an unwanted pregnancy due to some awful circumstance and decides to have an abortion and Woman B is a married housewife with 3 children and decides to have her second abortion, it doesn't matter. What matter's is that Woman A AND B is indeed capable of her own thought and making choices about her life. I am feeling a rant heavily brewing and I choose to slow it down for the mere fact that I am trying to make a point.
That point is that Reproductive Rights isn't just about abortion. The ability to make choices about our reproductive health impacts our entire lives as women. Future plans, education, partnerships, goals, expectations, our physical bodies, our emotional bodies, our spiritual bodies. Women's roles as mother is a far more complex one then many seem to think and I believe that most of us inherently know this in some manner or another. Just because I can have a child does not mean I should. Controlling my Reproductive Rights is like controlling me.
If men like Alito continue to come into power, the kind of power that gives them open permission to make decisions and pass laws, I think it is a huge threat to something I hold so very dear to my heart. And that is that I am a women in 2006 in The United States Of America. It is by shear luck that I was born here, I am grateful to have all my natural-born body parts in tact, that I have the opportunity to become educated and have openly free thought. It is a blessing that I live in a place where I am not required to be married and can be a Single Mother and I am supported in this venture. I can practice whatever idea's or thought processes I may have about spirituality, the idea that women should be honored and treated with respect is a very real one in our culture and is growing in strength every day by women and men alike. I want very desperately for our daughters and sisters and mothers and grandmothers and aunties to continue to have the opportunities of progress. Because we all deserve it as human beings, in every country, everywhere. I can hardly support a man who wholeheartedly works to defeat this progress. I just can't.
GWB sure did a good job finding another feller to get up there and follow up where his last nominee fell off, ah well, that shouldn't be entirely surprising right? Boo!!!! Alito is notorious for picking apart abortion laws to an absurd degree in an effort to avoid ruling on them, then ruling in favor of contraception and then very openly demonizing gay marriage. Where's the logic here? This scares me due to the shear fact that this man is no longer simply deemed honorable of RULING based on a Supreme Court Law, he now has the ability create and pass them...and of course, amend current laws. Like Roe V. Wade.
Even more than this, his obvious partialness to conservative, right-wing "traditional values" is completely terrifying to me. Is a judge not supposed to be an impartial voice? How can a decision be made with such clear leanings toward the right? I guess that doesn't matter since the entire United States Government is leaning to the right so far it's practically tumbling over with "traditional values", the spin is incredible. I believe this will change with time, but it is what it is for at least another 2 years.
I could easily rant about how it is so completely ridiculous that a MAN is even in the position to make decisions about what I do with or to my body or who I do it with; that these wealthy, upper crust white-bread men have no idea what it means to be a young pregnant teenager, a rape victim, an incest survivor. I could easily argue that it shouldn't matter if Woman A is a carrying an unwanted pregnancy due to some awful circumstance and decides to have an abortion and Woman B is a married housewife with 3 children and decides to have her second abortion, it doesn't matter. What matter's is that Woman A AND B is indeed capable of her own thought and making choices about her life. I am feeling a rant heavily brewing and I choose to slow it down for the mere fact that I am trying to make a point.
That point is that Reproductive Rights isn't just about abortion. The ability to make choices about our reproductive health impacts our entire lives as women. Future plans, education, partnerships, goals, expectations, our physical bodies, our emotional bodies, our spiritual bodies. Women's roles as mother is a far more complex one then many seem to think and I believe that most of us inherently know this in some manner or another. Just because I can have a child does not mean I should. Controlling my Reproductive Rights is like controlling me.
If men like Alito continue to come into power, the kind of power that gives them open permission to make decisions and pass laws, I think it is a huge threat to something I hold so very dear to my heart. And that is that I am a women in 2006 in The United States Of America. It is by shear luck that I was born here, I am grateful to have all my natural-born body parts in tact, that I have the opportunity to become educated and have openly free thought. It is a blessing that I live in a place where I am not required to be married and can be a Single Mother and I am supported in this venture. I can practice whatever idea's or thought processes I may have about spirituality, the idea that women should be honored and treated with respect is a very real one in our culture and is growing in strength every day by women and men alike. I want very desperately for our daughters and sisters and mothers and grandmothers and aunties to continue to have the opportunities of progress. Because we all deserve it as human beings, in every country, everywhere. I can hardly support a man who wholeheartedly works to defeat this progress. I just can't.
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
Woooosh
My gosh, it's the middle of the month already. WTH?
Trying to comprehend time right now seems almost impossible, I have lots of moments where life just doesn't feel real. It's not a scary feeling, but definitely pronounced. I notice it regularly, daily almost as of late. I suspect it's due to all the changes, I read somewhere that our minds become very lazy with routine. Spicing up something you do daily like alternating where you put your socks and pajamas in dresser drawers or talking a different route to work stimulates the left brain more, thus causing more creative and dynamic thought in daily life. My routine has definitely been spiced up a little, holy wowzers yo!
My brain crinkles are all sort of stimulated, in such glorious ways.
In many ways, I feel more alive than I have in years. I am sure it has much to do with the ever-changing hormones of the truly magnificent Maxter, the unconditional love and support from the man I adore and the house where I intend to create a positive and nurturing environment for years to come. Plus, I work at the best job I've had since CORRA and that in and of itself is a blessing. You should not despise the environment in which you spend 8 - 10 of your working hours, not at all. My annual review this morning went well, it was quite a relief actually as I tend to worry alot about my job performance. Actually, I just don't like to fail. Seems I am not, I received a glowing review and happy to know that my supervisor and company is quite pleased with having me on board. Helps me to relax a little. My position is very solitary in comparison to others in the office and rarely requires little if any contact between myself and other staff members, I tend to feel isolated sometimes. Most of the time, I like it cuz I am used to it...but with such little feedback, I find myself questioning my ability and performance. I wish I were more self sufficient, but I need an occasional pat on the back or "Good work!" I might create my own star chart and give myself a star for every day I did good and then buy myself a toy at the end of the week if I've been good. LOL. So anyway, life feels really good today and I am happy to report that I am beginning to feel less anxiety each day about so many things, the idea that I may find myself in a life that feels complete and whole and really positive is pretty overwhelming, I cannot let the opportunity presented to me be The Universe pass.
On a sadder note, Mathew is leaving us to venture off to Reno Nevada to make good money and meet women:) Matt is one of my closest male friends, I trust him and love him very sincerely. He has a good heart and a warm hug and we were all but instant friends. This will not change with distance, but I will take it upon myself to tsk him and nag him if he doesn't write and post to his blogg REGULARLY so we have updates and know that he is safe and happy. And if/when he is done sowing his wild oats he may return and life might seem different, but we'll be here waiting with open arms and a big frosty beer:) Love you Matt, it's been fun...it's been real...it's been real fun. Take damn good care of yourself and be safe.
sigh.
The house is coming together, we have so much to do still but it starting to feel like a real house. I've never had so much fun shopping in my life and since my amazingly generous GramE and Grandpa John (thank you soooo much) gave me extra to play with I can now buy the things I so desperately wanted and needed really. We've got new bedding, new bath stuff....new dishes, new silverware and glasses. This weekend we are buying a gorgeous kitchen table, GORGEOUS! I am working on Chance about putting "hardwood" in the kitchen (it's pretend but looks great for the price) as the kitchen linoleum is a little...um, well it bugs me. I don't know why, it just does. It's brand new and clean, but I think it's the patterns. I am learning in all my shopping that I just don't like most patterns all that much. I like some, symmetrical and geometrical are cool..otherwise, flowers and such sort of bug me. And the linoleum bugs me, so it's got to go. And it's MY house to do whatever I want so I am having ALOT of fun playing with ideas. The only problem is getting carried away, I want everything right now, I don't like to wait to much really. I'm not the most patient person in the world, but I am working on it.
The only thing I am feeling even remotely agitated about is my weight. I keep trying to tell myself that in the past year, I've moved in with my boyfriend, started a new job, quite smoking, bought a house and became a parent of a teenager. But those all feel like excuses and now the holidays have come and gone and I am chubbier than ever, it's depressing...but not as much today cuz I've managed to be fairly good today. I am looking forward to getting back to the GYM though, I miss it very much. Now if I could just stay out of the Peanut Butter Fudge that Ginger & Carl gave me for Christmas that I KNOW I should take to work to share but am feeling toooo selfish to do such a thing!
I ~ promise ~ to get pictures posted soon, sorry gang. Now that I can posted photos to my blogg it is time to do so. I will get some of the house and Max so everyone can see how ginormous he really is. I will also post some of Chance for those of you who haven't met or seen him yet. Both my men are absolutely adorable! I'm a lucky lady.
I should get, love to you all.
~ peace ~
Trying to comprehend time right now seems almost impossible, I have lots of moments where life just doesn't feel real. It's not a scary feeling, but definitely pronounced. I notice it regularly, daily almost as of late. I suspect it's due to all the changes, I read somewhere that our minds become very lazy with routine. Spicing up something you do daily like alternating where you put your socks and pajamas in dresser drawers or talking a different route to work stimulates the left brain more, thus causing more creative and dynamic thought in daily life. My routine has definitely been spiced up a little, holy wowzers yo!
My brain crinkles are all sort of stimulated, in such glorious ways.
In many ways, I feel more alive than I have in years. I am sure it has much to do with the ever-changing hormones of the truly magnificent Maxter, the unconditional love and support from the man I adore and the house where I intend to create a positive and nurturing environment for years to come. Plus, I work at the best job I've had since CORRA and that in and of itself is a blessing. You should not despise the environment in which you spend 8 - 10 of your working hours, not at all. My annual review this morning went well, it was quite a relief actually as I tend to worry alot about my job performance. Actually, I just don't like to fail. Seems I am not, I received a glowing review and happy to know that my supervisor and company is quite pleased with having me on board. Helps me to relax a little. My position is very solitary in comparison to others in the office and rarely requires little if any contact between myself and other staff members, I tend to feel isolated sometimes. Most of the time, I like it cuz I am used to it...but with such little feedback, I find myself questioning my ability and performance. I wish I were more self sufficient, but I need an occasional pat on the back or "Good work!" I might create my own star chart and give myself a star for every day I did good and then buy myself a toy at the end of the week if I've been good. LOL. So anyway, life feels really good today and I am happy to report that I am beginning to feel less anxiety each day about so many things, the idea that I may find myself in a life that feels complete and whole and really positive is pretty overwhelming, I cannot let the opportunity presented to me be The Universe pass.
On a sadder note, Mathew is leaving us to venture off to Reno Nevada to make good money and meet women:) Matt is one of my closest male friends, I trust him and love him very sincerely. He has a good heart and a warm hug and we were all but instant friends. This will not change with distance, but I will take it upon myself to tsk him and nag him if he doesn't write and post to his blogg REGULARLY so we have updates and know that he is safe and happy. And if/when he is done sowing his wild oats he may return and life might seem different, but we'll be here waiting with open arms and a big frosty beer:) Love you Matt, it's been fun...it's been real...it's been real fun. Take damn good care of yourself and be safe.
sigh.
The house is coming together, we have so much to do still but it starting to feel like a real house. I've never had so much fun shopping in my life and since my amazingly generous GramE and Grandpa John (thank you soooo much) gave me extra to play with I can now buy the things I so desperately wanted and needed really. We've got new bedding, new bath stuff....new dishes, new silverware and glasses. This weekend we are buying a gorgeous kitchen table, GORGEOUS! I am working on Chance about putting "hardwood" in the kitchen (it's pretend but looks great for the price) as the kitchen linoleum is a little...um, well it bugs me. I don't know why, it just does. It's brand new and clean, but I think it's the patterns. I am learning in all my shopping that I just don't like most patterns all that much. I like some, symmetrical and geometrical are cool..otherwise, flowers and such sort of bug me. And the linoleum bugs me, so it's got to go. And it's MY house to do whatever I want so I am having ALOT of fun playing with ideas. The only problem is getting carried away, I want everything right now, I don't like to wait to much really. I'm not the most patient person in the world, but I am working on it.
The only thing I am feeling even remotely agitated about is my weight. I keep trying to tell myself that in the past year, I've moved in with my boyfriend, started a new job, quite smoking, bought a house and became a parent of a teenager. But those all feel like excuses and now the holidays have come and gone and I am chubbier than ever, it's depressing...but not as much today cuz I've managed to be fairly good today. I am looking forward to getting back to the GYM though, I miss it very much. Now if I could just stay out of the Peanut Butter Fudge that Ginger & Carl gave me for Christmas that I KNOW I should take to work to share but am feeling toooo selfish to do such a thing!
I ~ promise ~ to get pictures posted soon, sorry gang. Now that I can posted photos to my blogg it is time to do so. I will get some of the house and Max so everyone can see how ginormous he really is. I will also post some of Chance for those of you who haven't met or seen him yet. Both my men are absolutely adorable! I'm a lucky lady.
I should get, love to you all.
~ peace ~
Friday, January 06, 2006
Have a yucky day!
Hello, many of you know me as Oscar The Grouch from the famed television show Sesame Street. What most of you probably do not know is that I am Sarah's favorite Muppet!
Sarah has the fondest memories of watching The Muppet Show as a child with her Mother, Pam. Sarah loved to smile and giggle at the Muppets and always thought Pigs In Space was good comedy, even if she never understood most of it because it was more for her Mom than her, but that's ok. She also always thought Mrs. Piggy was quite the beautiful actress and found her temperament enchanting. Sarah never understood why Mrs. Piggy was quick to react and yell at her beloved Kermie, but any Pig that knew how to 'K-A-R-A-T-E CHOP!' her opponents must be a clever Pig indeed.
Then, however, Sarah discovered Sesame Street and was immediately enchanted. Kermit and The Count were truly special creatures and Sarah always listened closely to what they had to say as they were in fact, the wisest of all Muppets on all of Sesame Street. Yet, when Sarah and I were introduced I knew the bond was Grouchily sacred. No Muppet on the planet made her eyes gleam with amusement or could capture her attention like I could. She was a disgustingly adorable little girl. Very bouncy and lots of blonde hair, usually in pig tails. I always thought she needed a little more slime, but that's just me.
Sarah's complete and unconditional love for me grew through the years, one birthday she received a stuffed (but not very Grouchy!) version of me. "I" never left her side, we hung out a lot and had tea parties. We used to play with another friend named Tigger, but I didn't like him as much because he was pretty annoying for a Grouch. All that bouncing, besides I was a little jealous at how much Sarah liked him. I was even there when Sarah and her Mom were in a terrible care accident and her Mom's blood got all over me. But I comforted Sarah and she knew I loved her and would protect her. And I did. After I got a good washing, Sarah and I were reunited and we spent many happy years together after.
Then it happened one day that Sarah could not find me. Perhaps unknowingly, perhaps not, Sarah's Mom had put me in the box planned for Good Will. Sarah was traumatized, but decided it was best to share because she just knew some other little girl out there would find me and we would become the best of friends. Even though Sarah was very sad, and I am sure she must've cried for quite some time and missed me tremendously (especially at night when I would keep her safe), she knew it was ok because Good Will gave things to kids who didn't have stuffed animals and all kids should have stuffed animals.
In all the years that passed, I knew I never left Sarah's mind and her memories of me were fond and I of her. No other little girl in the world made me smile as much as she did, we were the best of buddies and I know she still smiles when she thinks of me. She always used to ask me why I got so mad, because getting mad and being Grouchy wasn't very much fun...silly girl, because I am Grouch I would say and that's what Grouch's do! I smile when I think of her too.
Now Sarah is a grown-up and has a little boy of her own. When her little boy starting watching Sesame Street together, I would catch her smiling and I knew those smiles and giggles were just for me. Her little boy doesn't care much for Muppets now that he thinks he's all growed up he also likes cars and stuff, cars aren't very Grouchy. But I know Sarah still sings "I Love Trash" under her breath and thinks I am special even if I am a Grouch. It makes me not-so-Grouchy to know that a little girl out there in a big grown up body thinks of Old Oscar on occasion, I still think that Tigger fella a total loser though. I just do not understand what she see's in that guy?????
Have a yucky day and don't bother stopping by!!!!
Not-So-Sincerely-Yours,
Oscar T. Grouch
****************************************************
Oscar Facts:
- Oscar's favorite food is sardine and spinach sundaes.
- His favorite drink is pickle juice.
- His favorite pet is Slimey the Worm.
- His best friend on TV is Grungetta Grouch.
- His favorite activities are disagreeabable order of grouches meetings, writing for The Daily Grouch newspaper, reporting on WORM-TV.
- His favorite vacation is two weeks at the Mudville City Dump.
- His favorite weather is cold and nasty, gray sky, and with occasional rain and sleet.
- His pet peeve is cheerful people.
- He is of the Grouch species, but he is very smart and clever
- Oscar thinks numbers are silly and sings "Knock 3 times" to prove it.
In Oscar's trashcan
- Slimey, Oscar's pet worm
- Fluffy, Oscar's pet elephant, only his trunk is ever shown
- Rosie the Hippopotamus
- A fire breathing dragon
- Farm animals, the existence of a goat and a pig is confirmed
Thursday, January 05, 2006
It Lives....It LIVES!!!!!
I am happy to report that today feels a much brighter and softer day compared to yesterdays darker and harsher coldness. I really am a sensitive little bird, not only to my own emotions and internal shifts but also very much so to those of others. Like everything, there is a balance to this. Aspects of my sensitivity and intuitiveness that are greatly appreciated and days where I wish my feelers didn't get tickled so easily. Ah well, such is the world of the Aquaria female. See her scurry and scamper!!!
I slept about 11 hours last night, there is such a thing as too much sleep and in my normal schedule this would be too much sleep. But the past 4 weeks have been anything but "normal." Actually, I'd find it hard to describe any of my days as "normal"...but normal is relative, like all things. Moving on.
I woke up this morning still reluctant to get moving as I really like being warm and cuddling Chance in our bed, except this morning he had all pillows sans the one I was using covering his head and had managed to mummify himself with the comforter in his sleep. He wasn't exactly available for snuggling. So I bounced up and got into the shower and carefully took notice of my poor body that I've been abusing off and on my whole life in some manner or another and looked at my tubby little tummy and vowed to make changes in how I treat and view my body and self. In exactly 20 days I will turn 30 years old. Farther in life than I had ever expected to make it and many of the things I once desired so greatly have found me some how. If in the past I had not been able to take heed to gifts given to me, no time like the present to get on board with the idea of appreciating this life even one degree more.
I've been binging on food for about 2 days straight, the kind that makes me sick to think of and also the very kind that damages your pancreas, liver and kidney in the same ways as drinking to much alcohol. Self medication of one form or another it seems, I really am a pro at comforting myself in the most detrimental manner. Again it's all relative and for me, the change needs to come in finding the balance in myself within daily life but also when big changes occur. Though, I will give myself permission to acknowledge that the past several months have been full of the kind of changes that would throw any one off kilter at least a little. But I am ready to bounce back and find the balance again. Apparently, the theme of this blogg should be "balance"...moreover, perhaps the theme of this year will be Balance. Indeed.
Max and I are eager to get his room organized, his is sort of the last one to get into "functional" mode. I feel terrible that he's been sleeping on the couch, but he's been gone for some time and only been home a few days since we moved in really. He commented last night that he didn't feel the house was really ours just yet. I know how feels. Sometimes when I get into bed I feel like I am staying at a hotel, a very comfortable hotel with my belongings strewn about. I told him it will take time to feel like it is "ours", but rest assured...it is in fact our house and we aren't going any where for a while. He laughed and said he hoped not. That made me smile given his behavior of the past weeks, perhaps he likes the idea of life with Mom after all? I hope so.
Mary & Howard have some furniture for us, which is a life saver at this point since we have very little...well, very little that want in the new house. Most of what he have looks sort of trashy and tacky in the New House. Neither C nor I have bought new furniture in many many MANY years. So now we'll have an actual bedroom set!!! SCORE!
In reading the bloggs of my fellow bloggers and friends, it seems there is a general shift for all of us. Perhaps it is a sign of things to come. It certainly seems a more positive direction than I've seen for quite some time and it pleases me tremendously to see my fellow females finding personal growth, health and happiness. Yay us!. We've all grown older and wiser and maybe are learning the value of caring for ourselves first so we can be better friends to one another....???? Things that make you go hmmmm.
And finally, my site recommendation of the day is:
http://www.wickedsunshine.com/WagePeace
For me, this site provides and outlet of humor in conjunction with the idea's many of us share about our current government, the war in Iraq and human rights. My particular favorites are:
"The Presidents Prayer"
"Start A Revolution, Stop Hating Your Body!"
"United States Of Texas"
Work beckons....more to come.
I slept about 11 hours last night, there is such a thing as too much sleep and in my normal schedule this would be too much sleep. But the past 4 weeks have been anything but "normal." Actually, I'd find it hard to describe any of my days as "normal"...but normal is relative, like all things. Moving on.
I woke up this morning still reluctant to get moving as I really like being warm and cuddling Chance in our bed, except this morning he had all pillows sans the one I was using covering his head and had managed to mummify himself with the comforter in his sleep. He wasn't exactly available for snuggling. So I bounced up and got into the shower and carefully took notice of my poor body that I've been abusing off and on my whole life in some manner or another and looked at my tubby little tummy and vowed to make changes in how I treat and view my body and self. In exactly 20 days I will turn 30 years old. Farther in life than I had ever expected to make it and many of the things I once desired so greatly have found me some how. If in the past I had not been able to take heed to gifts given to me, no time like the present to get on board with the idea of appreciating this life even one degree more.
I've been binging on food for about 2 days straight, the kind that makes me sick to think of and also the very kind that damages your pancreas, liver and kidney in the same ways as drinking to much alcohol. Self medication of one form or another it seems, I really am a pro at comforting myself in the most detrimental manner. Again it's all relative and for me, the change needs to come in finding the balance in myself within daily life but also when big changes occur. Though, I will give myself permission to acknowledge that the past several months have been full of the kind of changes that would throw any one off kilter at least a little. But I am ready to bounce back and find the balance again. Apparently, the theme of this blogg should be "balance"...moreover, perhaps the theme of this year will be Balance. Indeed.
Max and I are eager to get his room organized, his is sort of the last one to get into "functional" mode. I feel terrible that he's been sleeping on the couch, but he's been gone for some time and only been home a few days since we moved in really. He commented last night that he didn't feel the house was really ours just yet. I know how feels. Sometimes when I get into bed I feel like I am staying at a hotel, a very comfortable hotel with my belongings strewn about. I told him it will take time to feel like it is "ours", but rest assured...it is in fact our house and we aren't going any where for a while. He laughed and said he hoped not. That made me smile given his behavior of the past weeks, perhaps he likes the idea of life with Mom after all? I hope so.
Mary & Howard have some furniture for us, which is a life saver at this point since we have very little...well, very little that want in the new house. Most of what he have looks sort of trashy and tacky in the New House. Neither C nor I have bought new furniture in many many MANY years. So now we'll have an actual bedroom set!!! SCORE!
In reading the bloggs of my fellow bloggers and friends, it seems there is a general shift for all of us. Perhaps it is a sign of things to come. It certainly seems a more positive direction than I've seen for quite some time and it pleases me tremendously to see my fellow females finding personal growth, health and happiness. Yay us!. We've all grown older and wiser and maybe are learning the value of caring for ourselves first so we can be better friends to one another....???? Things that make you go hmmmm.
And finally, my site recommendation of the day is:
http://www.wickedsunshine.com/WagePeace
For me, this site provides and outlet of humor in conjunction with the idea's many of us share about our current government, the war in Iraq and human rights. My particular favorites are:
"The Presidents Prayer"
"Start A Revolution, Stop Hating Your Body!"
"United States Of Texas"
Work beckons....more to come.
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
Insert Clever Title Here
I guess it's time to write. I don't really feel like it this morning, but I know I should as I've not had a thoughtful blogg in several few days. It's funny how I can go from bouncy spunk to sullen moodiness within only a day or two. It's sort of frustrating and though I'm sure it's mostly just due to the "gifts" of being a woman, I'd still rather be in bed sleeping warmly and quietly. Getting up this morning was harder than expected and I've still not really pulled the sleep from my eyes or mind for that matter.
The New House is really blooming, I love it. It feels like it might take us months to unpack and really settle in, but everyone works and has lives...moving in addition to "life" is probably not ideal, but people do it all the time so I'm sure we'll find a way. We are all moved out of the other house, it is a relief to say the least. I was not saddened in any way to say goodbye to that location, it holds many memories....some very bright and some very dark. It served it's purpose for Max and I at that particular time in our lives, but departure is long since over due and I am grateful that the opportunity to move forward presented itself and allowed us to see it to fruition. The New House, like the New Year is a rejuvenation of spirit and though I feel down and tired today, I feel much less overwhelmed or exhausted by day to day life just by being there each day. The New House is very bright and welcoming, I know it will bring us many happy years and to that I look forward to tremendously. I trust the financing will come to make the decorative changes happen, as well as the functional. It will all come full circle, we are hoping in about a year we will what we need to make the house "ours."
New Years weekend was relatively quiet over all, for which I am thankful. Trust me. In addition to The Move and The Holidays, we've had endless weekends of friends over, functions and events and I am totally wiped out. We spent about half of it cleaning up the New House and clearing out The Old House and being happy about it all. The remaining half was devoted primarily to Chance and I reconnecting with one another and our choices as a unit and respective individuals. It was sorely needed I think and like many other aspects of our lives, our relationship has gone unnoticed in the hustle and bustle of the events of the past several months. Chance and I have many details to work through, as I suppose relationships of all sorts do. I think the question is one of balance and how to achieve that balance with one another and each others need, while meeting our own personal needs and desires as individuals. We both have unique physical, mental, spiritual and emotional needs and wants. I suspect how and if those mesh together will be an ongoing source of discussion, quandary and the foundation in which we will build our love and life together.
In any event, The New Years came in quietly and we spent the next day lounging about not doing a whole lot of anything and simply enjoying one another's company. A delightful day:)
Monday, Maxter came home from being up and Grandma & Grandpas (his Dad's parents) for a whole week. He typically spends a week with them during the Holidays and week in the Summer. This time, his father was there for about 3 of those days. It sounds like they had a great deal of fun and Max has talked about him regularly since the visit. Max is showing quite an interest in developing a relationship with his father, he's a very lucky young man that he has the opportunity to do so and though hesitant, I am excited about the idea that Max may be able to form a bond with this person who helped to create him. Fathers are special beings, something I may not be able to know directly from experience as my memories of my father are strange and fuzzy, but it seems common sense that Max deserves any opportunity possible to know and understand his Dad.
How ever eager Max is about getting to know his Dad, there will probably always be some hesitation from my side. I am working hard not to openly display this to Max, but he's pretty intuitive. I have a range of emotion about the issue, from rage and anger to fear. How dare Sean just pop up all the sudden after I've worked so hard to create a good life for Max? Has everyone forgotten about the abuse and drugs and all the crap he brought into my life? I am accountable for much of it, but him beating the shit out of me isn't my fault and it still really pisses me off that at that time in his life, he seemed to think this was an acceptable way to treat a female. More specifically the Mother of his child. He threw Max on the couch trying to get to me and that was it, and it got bad. I went to the hospital that day with a concussion and required several stitches to a head wound on the back of my head and forehead. Sitting in that emergency room for the 3rd time in so many months put a rage into me that I've not felt since. I left him to protect Max and I later realized, to protect myself too. I didn't know I was better than that, I didn't know that "love" from men was NOT supposed to include some sort of abuse...I just did not know that, I did it cuz I could NOT stand the idea that he might hurt Max. Max doesn't know any of this. Max does not know that I have reasons to be hesitant and concerned and quite frankly, have days where I just wish Sean would go away and find somewhere else to be a pain in someone's ass.
I am slowly acclimating to the idea though in reality I have little choice and ultimately, I must remember that this isn't about me. This about supporting the one thing I cherish more than anything in the world, supporting him in venturing out and checking out this guy that's his Dad. Supporting Max. This isn't about how much it stings me that his Dad gets to play "The Cool Guy" once every three months and I get to be the disciplinarian, and work crazy hours to support this child and make sure he's fed and warm and loved. This isn't about how I think that Max secretly wants to live with his Dad because he thinks there are no rules and doesn't seem to care all that much about school and it irritates me that Max doesn't seem as invested in himself as the rest of us. This isn't about how hard it's been raising Max without an OUNCE of child support and until now, I've left it alone because I'd rather do this alone and struggle than deal with his father who makes me nauseas when I think of him.
This isn't about me because if it were about me, that would be completely inappropriate at this point. It would be a selfish train of thought, certain levels of selfish behavior is abuse...the very cycle I am working desperately to break.
As long as Max's safety is not an issue, I am left with little choice and at this point I know that he is safe in the manner in which they are spending time together as it is monitored by Max's grandparents. Though I have my concerns about them to. But that is for another day.
Breathe. The fact remains that Max is home and that is good. When he is away from me I do not feel ok. At all. The time he is away from me will likely increase as he becomes more like a teenager (which is happening very quickly) and if visitation is granted to Sean. I expect a court case in the coming months.
Ok, moving on. Work has settled a touch. I really have tons to do and have had a hard time focusing these past few days, but there's not as much heat as in the past few weeks. I am really out of it today. Some days I just don't' want to work. I guess that's not a sin to say out loud. But it is what it is and I am by default, required to work. My question is...how in the bloody hell will my generation EVER be allowed to retire? Really?
I am feeling very motivated to write some poetry and am hoping for some more time to do that soon, maybe tonight. I am also getting back to my normal state of reading, something I've lacked for several months now. No time. Now is the time. I miss words. I like them, I like to absorb them. I like to say them. I like to place them in sentences and think of them as variable conditions to a thought.
I really should get back to work. I feel my entry today sounds rather moody short in tone, that is not my intention. Even the Bubble Princess has days where she feels plain and indifferent and unimportant. Freaking hormones. These are the days when I struggle to embrace the beauty of woman hood. Not because I do not love being female, because it is a gift and one I happen to be blessed with. Yay me:) Nope, it's mostly that I just wish I had a little more control over my body and it's behaviors. Some day I will, probably not in this life time...but I imagine through space and time if I am lucky, my little spirit will evolve into quite a powerful one and I will be able to acknowledge the stupid cramps and body that feels foreign rather than familiar as an important part of my progression. In the immediate moment though, I feel like curling up in a ball and going to sleep with a warm blankey and my kitty. Meow.
The New House is really blooming, I love it. It feels like it might take us months to unpack and really settle in, but everyone works and has lives...moving in addition to "life" is probably not ideal, but people do it all the time so I'm sure we'll find a way. We are all moved out of the other house, it is a relief to say the least. I was not saddened in any way to say goodbye to that location, it holds many memories....some very bright and some very dark. It served it's purpose for Max and I at that particular time in our lives, but departure is long since over due and I am grateful that the opportunity to move forward presented itself and allowed us to see it to fruition. The New House, like the New Year is a rejuvenation of spirit and though I feel down and tired today, I feel much less overwhelmed or exhausted by day to day life just by being there each day. The New House is very bright and welcoming, I know it will bring us many happy years and to that I look forward to tremendously. I trust the financing will come to make the decorative changes happen, as well as the functional. It will all come full circle, we are hoping in about a year we will what we need to make the house "ours."
New Years weekend was relatively quiet over all, for which I am thankful. Trust me. In addition to The Move and The Holidays, we've had endless weekends of friends over, functions and events and I am totally wiped out. We spent about half of it cleaning up the New House and clearing out The Old House and being happy about it all. The remaining half was devoted primarily to Chance and I reconnecting with one another and our choices as a unit and respective individuals. It was sorely needed I think and like many other aspects of our lives, our relationship has gone unnoticed in the hustle and bustle of the events of the past several months. Chance and I have many details to work through, as I suppose relationships of all sorts do. I think the question is one of balance and how to achieve that balance with one another and each others need, while meeting our own personal needs and desires as individuals. We both have unique physical, mental, spiritual and emotional needs and wants. I suspect how and if those mesh together will be an ongoing source of discussion, quandary and the foundation in which we will build our love and life together.
In any event, The New Years came in quietly and we spent the next day lounging about not doing a whole lot of anything and simply enjoying one another's company. A delightful day:)
Monday, Maxter came home from being up and Grandma & Grandpas (his Dad's parents) for a whole week. He typically spends a week with them during the Holidays and week in the Summer. This time, his father was there for about 3 of those days. It sounds like they had a great deal of fun and Max has talked about him regularly since the visit. Max is showing quite an interest in developing a relationship with his father, he's a very lucky young man that he has the opportunity to do so and though hesitant, I am excited about the idea that Max may be able to form a bond with this person who helped to create him. Fathers are special beings, something I may not be able to know directly from experience as my memories of my father are strange and fuzzy, but it seems common sense that Max deserves any opportunity possible to know and understand his Dad.
How ever eager Max is about getting to know his Dad, there will probably always be some hesitation from my side. I am working hard not to openly display this to Max, but he's pretty intuitive. I have a range of emotion about the issue, from rage and anger to fear. How dare Sean just pop up all the sudden after I've worked so hard to create a good life for Max? Has everyone forgotten about the abuse and drugs and all the crap he brought into my life? I am accountable for much of it, but him beating the shit out of me isn't my fault and it still really pisses me off that at that time in his life, he seemed to think this was an acceptable way to treat a female. More specifically the Mother of his child. He threw Max on the couch trying to get to me and that was it, and it got bad. I went to the hospital that day with a concussion and required several stitches to a head wound on the back of my head and forehead. Sitting in that emergency room for the 3rd time in so many months put a rage into me that I've not felt since. I left him to protect Max and I later realized, to protect myself too. I didn't know I was better than that, I didn't know that "love" from men was NOT supposed to include some sort of abuse...I just did not know that, I did it cuz I could NOT stand the idea that he might hurt Max. Max doesn't know any of this. Max does not know that I have reasons to be hesitant and concerned and quite frankly, have days where I just wish Sean would go away and find somewhere else to be a pain in someone's ass.
I am slowly acclimating to the idea though in reality I have little choice and ultimately, I must remember that this isn't about me. This about supporting the one thing I cherish more than anything in the world, supporting him in venturing out and checking out this guy that's his Dad. Supporting Max. This isn't about how much it stings me that his Dad gets to play "The Cool Guy" once every three months and I get to be the disciplinarian, and work crazy hours to support this child and make sure he's fed and warm and loved. This isn't about how I think that Max secretly wants to live with his Dad because he thinks there are no rules and doesn't seem to care all that much about school and it irritates me that Max doesn't seem as invested in himself as the rest of us. This isn't about how hard it's been raising Max without an OUNCE of child support and until now, I've left it alone because I'd rather do this alone and struggle than deal with his father who makes me nauseas when I think of him.
This isn't about me because if it were about me, that would be completely inappropriate at this point. It would be a selfish train of thought, certain levels of selfish behavior is abuse...the very cycle I am working desperately to break.
As long as Max's safety is not an issue, I am left with little choice and at this point I know that he is safe in the manner in which they are spending time together as it is monitored by Max's grandparents. Though I have my concerns about them to. But that is for another day.
Breathe. The fact remains that Max is home and that is good. When he is away from me I do not feel ok. At all. The time he is away from me will likely increase as he becomes more like a teenager (which is happening very quickly) and if visitation is granted to Sean. I expect a court case in the coming months.
Ok, moving on. Work has settled a touch. I really have tons to do and have had a hard time focusing these past few days, but there's not as much heat as in the past few weeks. I am really out of it today. Some days I just don't' want to work. I guess that's not a sin to say out loud. But it is what it is and I am by default, required to work. My question is...how in the bloody hell will my generation EVER be allowed to retire? Really?
I am feeling very motivated to write some poetry and am hoping for some more time to do that soon, maybe tonight. I am also getting back to my normal state of reading, something I've lacked for several months now. No time. Now is the time. I miss words. I like them, I like to absorb them. I like to say them. I like to place them in sentences and think of them as variable conditions to a thought.
I really should get back to work. I feel my entry today sounds rather moody short in tone, that is not my intention. Even the Bubble Princess has days where she feels plain and indifferent and unimportant. Freaking hormones. These are the days when I struggle to embrace the beauty of woman hood. Not because I do not love being female, because it is a gift and one I happen to be blessed with. Yay me:) Nope, it's mostly that I just wish I had a little more control over my body and it's behaviors. Some day I will, probably not in this life time...but I imagine through space and time if I am lucky, my little spirit will evolve into quite a powerful one and I will be able to acknowledge the stupid cramps and body that feels foreign rather than familiar as an important part of my progression. In the immediate moment though, I feel like curling up in a ball and going to sleep with a warm blankey and my kitty. Meow.
Sunday, January 01, 2006
What A Long Strange Trip It's Been...
Ha, or so the song goes right? One of my favs by the way...
So I updated my song lyrics blogg, check it out on your right. I should've posted Kanye months ago, but the message is the same and one I sense many many of us are starting to really be able to hear.
Happy New Year Gang....CMan and I are settling in for a night of movies and chilling out for the remainder of our time off for the long weekend.
Love to you all:)
Will write more soon.
So I updated my song lyrics blogg, check it out on your right. I should've posted Kanye months ago, but the message is the same and one I sense many many of us are starting to really be able to hear.
Happy New Year Gang....CMan and I are settling in for a night of movies and chilling out for the remainder of our time off for the long weekend.
Love to you all:)
Will write more soon.
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