Wednesday, August 31, 2005
I'm Home!
A quick note cuz I'm slammed at work, but I'm home from Wisconsin. Great trip, glad to be home though. I missed Chance and my Kittens tremendously, wonderful to see his warm and loving smile and snuggle the sweet black fur of my babies! Gotta run for now, peace out g's ;-P
Monday, August 22, 2005
Um, Mom...we're still moving...
Yes and at Warp Speed Lil' Captain.
The Little Man started Junior High today. I am anxious and a little nervous, but equally excited for him and eager for this to be a positive educational experience. I can't imagine how he must be feeling. He's been bouncing around the house all weekend, seemingly calm and collected about the whole thing but I know he's feeling a little antsy at least. I think the new cell phone, clothes he picked out and hair cut pushed the confidence factor up a bit, that's always a bonus.
He seemed so small getting out of the car with that huge back pack full of books and loose leaf paper and 24 #2 pencils. I keep thinking of lockers and PE, and how many more kids there seems to be and the work load. I am a touch worried about the demands of his class schedule and am hoping it will be managable for him, I remember being overwhelemed by Junior High in those first few days, but it doesn't take long to acclimate. I wish to ease that sense of being overwhelmed, clearly identify the expectations in terms of performance and give him the appropriate freedoms to enjoy the onset of young adulthood.
The Little Man is an exceptional child, he continues to shock and astound me with his natural sense of compassion and humor. As he ages I expect he will turn more inward and move through the motions of self-exploration that occurr during the teen years, I hope that in that process he will maintain his warm heart and sensetive mind and find his own balance in how he will approach life.
My heart sheds tears in reflection of the years that have past and cannot be recaptured, when he would jump into my lap and still loved to snuggle. The time we spent gazing at one antoher when he was born and his first trip to the park where he could crawl on the grass and then tried to eat it. The years in which we spent many hours bonding, reading together and walking through the wilderness. The moments when I needed him just as much as he needed me and the comfort we provided one another during the hard times, even if he didn't know they were 'hard' times. I hope not. I am allowed to have a selfish moment and let the tears flow for the memories, I am a mother and mothers feel for their children in a manner that a word like 'love' cannot truly capture.
My heart rejoices as I bear witness to his metamorphasis. His mind is keen and open, his spirit is curious and wild, his body healthy and strong, his heart full of empathy and determination. He seems to change almost daily, bigger feet and squeaky voices. Much like a baby learning to crawl and then walk, he is growing into his physical self and experimenting and testing it as he catches up with his own body. He eats and sleeps more and more. He is becoming a Little Man at lightening speed, it's really quite amazing. He makes me laugh alot, I think he enjoys making others laugh. I think he likes to be helpful and busy with his hands. Quite outstanding.
I cannot know what is it come for the Little Man, but we are fortunate in the discovery of his personal experience together.
I am very quickly learning to be happy and content in hanging out on the sidelines until he needs me and letting him play the field. As nature would dictate I suppose, I am learning to breathe and trust in his ability. It requires a lot of silent worry and biting of the tongue. This is the Mother's Mantra I suppose.
Best of luck on your first day of Junior High Maxter and don't worry, everyone else there is new to. You'll find your classes ok. Don't fret, just run and be free and take the opportunity to learn while you are young and your mind absorbs everything. Stay safe and be patient with others. I love you Little Man, you are a blessing and I got your back always, no matter what.
The Little Man started Junior High today. I am anxious and a little nervous, but equally excited for him and eager for this to be a positive educational experience. I can't imagine how he must be feeling. He's been bouncing around the house all weekend, seemingly calm and collected about the whole thing but I know he's feeling a little antsy at least. I think the new cell phone, clothes he picked out and hair cut pushed the confidence factor up a bit, that's always a bonus.
He seemed so small getting out of the car with that huge back pack full of books and loose leaf paper and 24 #2 pencils. I keep thinking of lockers and PE, and how many more kids there seems to be and the work load. I am a touch worried about the demands of his class schedule and am hoping it will be managable for him, I remember being overwhelemed by Junior High in those first few days, but it doesn't take long to acclimate. I wish to ease that sense of being overwhelmed, clearly identify the expectations in terms of performance and give him the appropriate freedoms to enjoy the onset of young adulthood.
The Little Man is an exceptional child, he continues to shock and astound me with his natural sense of compassion and humor. As he ages I expect he will turn more inward and move through the motions of self-exploration that occurr during the teen years, I hope that in that process he will maintain his warm heart and sensetive mind and find his own balance in how he will approach life.
My heart sheds tears in reflection of the years that have past and cannot be recaptured, when he would jump into my lap and still loved to snuggle. The time we spent gazing at one antoher when he was born and his first trip to the park where he could crawl on the grass and then tried to eat it. The years in which we spent many hours bonding, reading together and walking through the wilderness. The moments when I needed him just as much as he needed me and the comfort we provided one another during the hard times, even if he didn't know they were 'hard' times. I hope not. I am allowed to have a selfish moment and let the tears flow for the memories, I am a mother and mothers feel for their children in a manner that a word like 'love' cannot truly capture.
My heart rejoices as I bear witness to his metamorphasis. His mind is keen and open, his spirit is curious and wild, his body healthy and strong, his heart full of empathy and determination. He seems to change almost daily, bigger feet and squeaky voices. Much like a baby learning to crawl and then walk, he is growing into his physical self and experimenting and testing it as he catches up with his own body. He eats and sleeps more and more. He is becoming a Little Man at lightening speed, it's really quite amazing. He makes me laugh alot, I think he enjoys making others laugh. I think he likes to be helpful and busy with his hands. Quite outstanding.
I cannot know what is it come for the Little Man, but we are fortunate in the discovery of his personal experience together.
I am very quickly learning to be happy and content in hanging out on the sidelines until he needs me and letting him play the field. As nature would dictate I suppose, I am learning to breathe and trust in his ability. It requires a lot of silent worry and biting of the tongue. This is the Mother's Mantra I suppose.
Best of luck on your first day of Junior High Maxter and don't worry, everyone else there is new to. You'll find your classes ok. Don't fret, just run and be free and take the opportunity to learn while you are young and your mind absorbs everything. Stay safe and be patient with others. I love you Little Man, you are a blessing and I got your back always, no matter what.
Sunday, August 14, 2005
What I Learned This Week
What I learned This Week
· There really is no excuse for being impatient and/or short with others just because you are having a particularly foul moment. Sincere apologies and a very real effort to avoid reactionary behaviors is the only option. Being hurtful, disrespectful or sarcastic is not a behavior I wish to propagate.
· Genuine interactions with everyone in ones life goes a long way. A simple and real “Thank You” or “I Understand” may be all it takes to make another persons day, in turn, I have found that an authentic compliment or warm hug from another is all it takes to make my own.
· Reminiscing on your experiences and what you’ve learned from those who have profoundly touched your life and making time when you can for those who have influenced you and that you love is important, it speaks volumes. It says to that person, “I value you, I appreciate you and I am thankful for your presence in my life.” We all need to know that about our relationships with others at least some of the time.
· You don’t have to be 100% present in the lives of others to share in their experiences and to let them know that they live in your heart with every moment.
· An image of a woman who has become a dear friend to me sleeping with her newborn son brings such complete warmth and love to my spirit that I am overcome. The beauty of that moment captured portrays the very gift of the journey they are about to embark upon together, not only as Mother and Son, but also as a bonded unit in the face of the world.
· While mundane and excruciatingly boring and obnoxious some days, domestic chores are a necessary element in daily life. I am slow to accept that the dishes must be done every day, that the laundry will pile up and require washing again once again and that tidiness is a fundamental aspect of organization that must exist in order to function. This is not only a minor irritation, it so completely boggles me that I must submit my energy and time to this ridiculousness when I’d much rather be writing in my blogg or journal or playing outside. The feminist voice in my head screams at the idea that no matter how far the concept of what women personify in our very existence, it falls on us to create a home and maintain a household, even when working a full time job. Then I look at the opportunities I have, the love and color of my environment and realize that much of it is what I create and that if I wish for it be, I must make it so. I really have no room to whine or complain, life has been good to me and when I consider what it is that I give out to the Universe and the grandness of what it gives to me, I hardly feel I can get snippy about scrubbing the bath tub or picking up socks. Not to mention it is a gentle lesson in humbleness, I certainly am above no other and what makes me so special that I should not be subject to such things? Nothing. I could be working in a Brothel of the Red Light District of Calcutta, or forced into submission because I was born into culture that says it is so. This is not to say that I do not respect other cultures and belief systems, it is not for me to judge, only to reflect on and know that when I wake up in the morning, my life is not a struggle to simply exist or feed my child. So I will continue perform these duties with love in my heart and a smile on my face.
· Formal education does not begin in Kindergarten or end upon the completion of a University degree. It is a life long process and requires ongoing effort. If I am to further my career and excel in who I am, it is my responsibility to pursue additional skills and information out side of my existing knowledge base. Formal education is not the basis of who I am, nor do I praise it as being the be all-end all to an educated mind, I do not choose it because it is expected of me or because it is a trophy of ones achievements. But it is a tool and it is something I have the opportunity to explore. I must do so, much as I see others in my immediate surroundings do so. I am proud of them and eager to see the fruits of their labors as the years pass.
· Engaging a soon to be 13 year old boy in every argument, power struggle or clash of wills that presents itself in any given day is hardly something worth expending one’s energy on. Nor is it healthy for either one of us. Besides, I will not “win”, it’s not about winning. My stubbornness does not need to supercede his need to grow. He has to know what it is to succeed and make his own choices out side of me and my opinion. He has to know WHO he is out side of me. I cannot control his growth, experiences, nature or choices. I can only guide and be there when he thrives and when he falls down. I must trust in who he is and who I am and know that his own voyage is only beginning and I cannot protect him from it or inflict my irrational fears on him. This is a hard lesson, I want so badly to protect him and know that he is safe. I feel selfish in it. That selfishness is not going to propagate his success, only push him into a very unhealthy cycle. Walking outside of my own selfish need for this child is my only option as an individual and as his mother.
· The individuals in my life are so totally outstanding in there very being that I often marvel at their ability to just be who they are. I love them all with such fever that I can hardly express it with words. We are all so fortunate, in our encounters with one another.
· Worry about much of anything is completely useless. Holding anxiety internally does not change something that may or may not be. I have the ability to change some things, but not all things. Even if I could, what would I do with it and would I want to? That is doubtful. Really. It is not how the cycle is intended to work. If I truly believe that you create your own existence, I must live this in my thought and heart songs without making attempts to control the minutia. I have made remarkable strides in doing so, but am still fighting a beast that was born before I was. The negativity that is anxiety and worry is not something I choose.
· Somewhere along the line the idea that I am unworthy, that others are peering down their noses at me and that I am a lesser being wormed it’s way into my thought process. I could easily name the sources and lay all sorts of blame, but know that ultimately, it is my choice to perceive myself in this manner. This, in itself, creates a self-fulfilling prophecy. I have let go and healed through of much of the rage and pain that once existed in my spirit, but it I know my ability to envision myself, as a lovable, capable and unique individual is not something that comes naturally. Again, a self-fulfilling prophecy. Gaining this does not come from external realms; no matter how much I am loved, nurtured and cared for the change begins with me. It is a change I strive for.
· When my body speaks to me, I must listen. This is not rocket science. If my tummy tells me I am full, I no longer need to eat. If my internal clocks says I am tired, it is time to sleep. If my ankles cry out to be stretched and back aches from sitting in cube-hell all day long, perhaps some Yoga is in order. If my mind speaks of solitude and nurturing of my spirit, I cannot feel guilty for doing so or wonder if others in my life will abandon me or feel anger toward me for caring for myself. If my soul begs for nutriment, I must willingly yield to that need. I’ve spent a lot of my life seeking instant gratification of mental, spiritual and physical well being. It cannot be gained from food, or sex, or alcohol or drugs or because I read a book. It is a combination of internal dialogue and thought, openly giving and receiving love, practicing the teachings of my belief systems, physical exploration of my body and nature and supplying myself the nutritional foundation to do partake in all of these activities. It’s so easy to identify the fundamentals here, but much more difficult to practice.
· Stereotypes are ugly, ugly notions. For every label we put on one another, one is being forced unto us and this pattern of judgment upon one another is so completely horrible and hostile to me. From a sociological aspect, stereotypes exist to identify how we participate in society and what each of our perceived “roles” are. These identified “roles” are also designed to not only group us into classes of some sort BUT also segregate us from one another in the process. Be it as it may, I am a firm believer in many Sociological ideologies and principals in many ways as it addresses the world society at large on a macro level and this is critical in the very fact that we cohabitate with millions of people and the science of this is fascinating. Not to mention the spiritual implications of macro level thought and how it pertains to all of us in its process. We are all but busy bee’s in the grander hive. Many see this as cold and or callous. I don’t think so. It is reality. At least to me. But the practice of purely Sociological thought does not account for individuality, unique thought or the sacred entities that exist within each and every one of us. I am shocked at how quickly I see people cast a stereotype unto one another. Fat, skinny. Ugly, gorgeous. Intelligent, stupid. Silly, elegant. Promiscuous, chaste. Black, brown, yellow, white. Wealthy, middle class, poor white trash, redneck. Straight, bi-sexual, fag, dyke. Social drinker, alcoholic. Casual drug user, drug addict. Homeless. Republican, Democrat, Libertain, Green Party. Horrifying or not, our culture openly and willingly jokes about these labels and for whatever reason, take great satisfaction and pleasure in calling each other names. But we all identify with this game playing because stereotypes call to all of us, whether we engage in it willingly or not. It is forced upon us. A word is taken and applied it to an aspect of our personality, physical being, lifestyle choices or even worse, some aspect of who and/or what we were born to be and then mocked quaintly to the rest of the world. What do we do about it? If we even care enough to notice? I know to many this may sound overly idealistic or impossible or even impractical, but I can’t help but feel that much of the hate and frustrations built into a burning fire in our culture would subside to some degree if we all took a second look at one another and moved past the images created and fed to us from external sources. It starts with us. It is up to us to remember the uniqueness and value of all and not give into the stereotypes.
I guess I didn’t learn this all on one week, but this is my week in a nutshell.
· There really is no excuse for being impatient and/or short with others just because you are having a particularly foul moment. Sincere apologies and a very real effort to avoid reactionary behaviors is the only option. Being hurtful, disrespectful or sarcastic is not a behavior I wish to propagate.
· Genuine interactions with everyone in ones life goes a long way. A simple and real “Thank You” or “I Understand” may be all it takes to make another persons day, in turn, I have found that an authentic compliment or warm hug from another is all it takes to make my own.
· Reminiscing on your experiences and what you’ve learned from those who have profoundly touched your life and making time when you can for those who have influenced you and that you love is important, it speaks volumes. It says to that person, “I value you, I appreciate you and I am thankful for your presence in my life.” We all need to know that about our relationships with others at least some of the time.
· You don’t have to be 100% present in the lives of others to share in their experiences and to let them know that they live in your heart with every moment.
· An image of a woman who has become a dear friend to me sleeping with her newborn son brings such complete warmth and love to my spirit that I am overcome. The beauty of that moment captured portrays the very gift of the journey they are about to embark upon together, not only as Mother and Son, but also as a bonded unit in the face of the world.
· While mundane and excruciatingly boring and obnoxious some days, domestic chores are a necessary element in daily life. I am slow to accept that the dishes must be done every day, that the laundry will pile up and require washing again once again and that tidiness is a fundamental aspect of organization that must exist in order to function. This is not only a minor irritation, it so completely boggles me that I must submit my energy and time to this ridiculousness when I’d much rather be writing in my blogg or journal or playing outside. The feminist voice in my head screams at the idea that no matter how far the concept of what women personify in our very existence, it falls on us to create a home and maintain a household, even when working a full time job. Then I look at the opportunities I have, the love and color of my environment and realize that much of it is what I create and that if I wish for it be, I must make it so. I really have no room to whine or complain, life has been good to me and when I consider what it is that I give out to the Universe and the grandness of what it gives to me, I hardly feel I can get snippy about scrubbing the bath tub or picking up socks. Not to mention it is a gentle lesson in humbleness, I certainly am above no other and what makes me so special that I should not be subject to such things? Nothing. I could be working in a Brothel of the Red Light District of Calcutta, or forced into submission because I was born into culture that says it is so. This is not to say that I do not respect other cultures and belief systems, it is not for me to judge, only to reflect on and know that when I wake up in the morning, my life is not a struggle to simply exist or feed my child. So I will continue perform these duties with love in my heart and a smile on my face.
· Formal education does not begin in Kindergarten or end upon the completion of a University degree. It is a life long process and requires ongoing effort. If I am to further my career and excel in who I am, it is my responsibility to pursue additional skills and information out side of my existing knowledge base. Formal education is not the basis of who I am, nor do I praise it as being the be all-end all to an educated mind, I do not choose it because it is expected of me or because it is a trophy of ones achievements. But it is a tool and it is something I have the opportunity to explore. I must do so, much as I see others in my immediate surroundings do so. I am proud of them and eager to see the fruits of their labors as the years pass.
· Engaging a soon to be 13 year old boy in every argument, power struggle or clash of wills that presents itself in any given day is hardly something worth expending one’s energy on. Nor is it healthy for either one of us. Besides, I will not “win”, it’s not about winning. My stubbornness does not need to supercede his need to grow. He has to know what it is to succeed and make his own choices out side of me and my opinion. He has to know WHO he is out side of me. I cannot control his growth, experiences, nature or choices. I can only guide and be there when he thrives and when he falls down. I must trust in who he is and who I am and know that his own voyage is only beginning and I cannot protect him from it or inflict my irrational fears on him. This is a hard lesson, I want so badly to protect him and know that he is safe. I feel selfish in it. That selfishness is not going to propagate his success, only push him into a very unhealthy cycle. Walking outside of my own selfish need for this child is my only option as an individual and as his mother.
· The individuals in my life are so totally outstanding in there very being that I often marvel at their ability to just be who they are. I love them all with such fever that I can hardly express it with words. We are all so fortunate, in our encounters with one another.
· Worry about much of anything is completely useless. Holding anxiety internally does not change something that may or may not be. I have the ability to change some things, but not all things. Even if I could, what would I do with it and would I want to? That is doubtful. Really. It is not how the cycle is intended to work. If I truly believe that you create your own existence, I must live this in my thought and heart songs without making attempts to control the minutia. I have made remarkable strides in doing so, but am still fighting a beast that was born before I was. The negativity that is anxiety and worry is not something I choose.
· Somewhere along the line the idea that I am unworthy, that others are peering down their noses at me and that I am a lesser being wormed it’s way into my thought process. I could easily name the sources and lay all sorts of blame, but know that ultimately, it is my choice to perceive myself in this manner. This, in itself, creates a self-fulfilling prophecy. I have let go and healed through of much of the rage and pain that once existed in my spirit, but it I know my ability to envision myself, as a lovable, capable and unique individual is not something that comes naturally. Again, a self-fulfilling prophecy. Gaining this does not come from external realms; no matter how much I am loved, nurtured and cared for the change begins with me. It is a change I strive for.
· When my body speaks to me, I must listen. This is not rocket science. If my tummy tells me I am full, I no longer need to eat. If my internal clocks says I am tired, it is time to sleep. If my ankles cry out to be stretched and back aches from sitting in cube-hell all day long, perhaps some Yoga is in order. If my mind speaks of solitude and nurturing of my spirit, I cannot feel guilty for doing so or wonder if others in my life will abandon me or feel anger toward me for caring for myself. If my soul begs for nutriment, I must willingly yield to that need. I’ve spent a lot of my life seeking instant gratification of mental, spiritual and physical well being. It cannot be gained from food, or sex, or alcohol or drugs or because I read a book. It is a combination of internal dialogue and thought, openly giving and receiving love, practicing the teachings of my belief systems, physical exploration of my body and nature and supplying myself the nutritional foundation to do partake in all of these activities. It’s so easy to identify the fundamentals here, but much more difficult to practice.
· Stereotypes are ugly, ugly notions. For every label we put on one another, one is being forced unto us and this pattern of judgment upon one another is so completely horrible and hostile to me. From a sociological aspect, stereotypes exist to identify how we participate in society and what each of our perceived “roles” are. These identified “roles” are also designed to not only group us into classes of some sort BUT also segregate us from one another in the process. Be it as it may, I am a firm believer in many Sociological ideologies and principals in many ways as it addresses the world society at large on a macro level and this is critical in the very fact that we cohabitate with millions of people and the science of this is fascinating. Not to mention the spiritual implications of macro level thought and how it pertains to all of us in its process. We are all but busy bee’s in the grander hive. Many see this as cold and or callous. I don’t think so. It is reality. At least to me. But the practice of purely Sociological thought does not account for individuality, unique thought or the sacred entities that exist within each and every one of us. I am shocked at how quickly I see people cast a stereotype unto one another. Fat, skinny. Ugly, gorgeous. Intelligent, stupid. Silly, elegant. Promiscuous, chaste. Black, brown, yellow, white. Wealthy, middle class, poor white trash, redneck. Straight, bi-sexual, fag, dyke. Social drinker, alcoholic. Casual drug user, drug addict. Homeless. Republican, Democrat, Libertain, Green Party. Horrifying or not, our culture openly and willingly jokes about these labels and for whatever reason, take great satisfaction and pleasure in calling each other names. But we all identify with this game playing because stereotypes call to all of us, whether we engage in it willingly or not. It is forced upon us. A word is taken and applied it to an aspect of our personality, physical being, lifestyle choices or even worse, some aspect of who and/or what we were born to be and then mocked quaintly to the rest of the world. What do we do about it? If we even care enough to notice? I know to many this may sound overly idealistic or impossible or even impractical, but I can’t help but feel that much of the hate and frustrations built into a burning fire in our culture would subside to some degree if we all took a second look at one another and moved past the images created and fed to us from external sources. It starts with us. It is up to us to remember the uniqueness and value of all and not give into the stereotypes.
I guess I didn’t learn this all on one week, but this is my week in a nutshell.
Monday, August 08, 2005
Star Dust
Yes, boys and girls the wondrous day has arrived and little baby Evan Cain Mundt was born at 1:55 PM, Saturday, August 6th 2005 to Justin & Colleen Mundt, proud parents of the a most precious little pink bundle of sweetness.
Here's a little detail:
Momma was due August 5th. Momma went into labor about 10ish Friday night (August 5th) and went to the hospital about 3 AM Saturday morning (August 6th) after her water broke on the potty, for any of you WHO don't realize the truly magnificent aspect of this little detail, just take heart in knowing that this is a miracle and a very lucky one at that. I am sure she doesn't want me sharing this with the world, but I couldn't help it. Pretty lucky for her and Dad! Anyway, Momma and Poppa made their way to the hospital (which is gorgeous BTW and totally state of the art) and she went into hard labor about 11:30 and the little dude was right on time at 1:55 PM! It sounds like Colleen did great and had a bit of a hard time during part of the delivery, but over all did wonderfully. I am not surprised, she is a steadfast one if I say so myself, ornery as hell but damit if she doesn't put it down when necessary. This child is going be VERY clear about where his boundaries are;)
I went to the hospital about 4PM, imagine...holding a 2 hour old infant! Astonishing. Certainly, I've held my share of infants (Max was defiantly the pinkest and cutest with his big ole blue eyes staring me down) but each and every time I get one of those little souls in my arms I am completely shocked at how EVERY SINGLE time I see a brand new baby I am overcome by the experience. The tiny little everything, the eyes registering the light and detail, the squeals and squeaks, the warmth of their little swaddled bodies, the very newness of their existence. It's so overwhelming, it's like you have the answer to every quandary and conundrum in your very hands and it comes from the body of The Goddess Mother. 'We are all made of the same stuff, star dust.' I don't remember who said it, but it was a quote used during a Planetarium show we attended a few months ago. Breathing in this new little life form reminded me of that quote, he is made of the same stuff as I am and that you are, we all have the answers within us and we all come from the same place, made of the same stuff. I saw The Goddess Creator that was Colleen in that moment, I saw her often very stern and determined face soften considerably and the brightness of her eyes in holding her baby. Mother and child, bonding, staring at one another, learning every intricate detail of one another. I saw Love and how it moved me, Love in it's most complete and purest form.
As always, the birth of a new baby also brings my experiences with Little Man to the surface. That in spite of great adversity, this child came to be and we flourished. Maybe I will pull together the entire story some day, it would likely be a painful but rewarding endeavor, but there is one detail that stands out to me when I think of my child's birth. I became very ill after having Max, within hours I had a temperature exceeding 103 and was basically delirious from pain and medications. It turned out to be a Staph infection. I remember the hospital staff taking Max to clean him up after I had a moment with him, then a very fuzzy flash forward to trying to see him in the nursery and the nurse escorting me back to my room because I was in no condition to stand. I remember being very upset, I wanted to see him so badly. The nurse said she'd bring him to our room. Flash forward to the next morning, I woke up and was in such pain, my body felt like it has been split open and everything in my middle section felt like it was on fire. My body knew that something was missing and some thing about that was very unnerving. I was laying on the hospital bed, IV's and fluids pumping through me. I was laying on my side, something like a fetal position and I opened my eyes. I opened my eyes to these two enormous brilliant blue eyes just gazing at me, we stared at each other for a very long time. It seemed like hours, it may have been. I don't know. Neither of us moved or motioned, just stared. I believe in that moment Max and I had some sort of telepathic experience, even if only in a very core manner. The intensity of that experience and his sweet sweet eyes are very strong memories, ones that are so completely engrained my mind, carthedic in nature. I had no idea at all, what this child would bring to my life. Not a clue, in any way could I even begin to comprehend.
And then I think of the challenges this new Momma and Poppa are facing. I am so proud of both of them and my heart swells with adoration as they face the challenges and embracing the gift. Parenting is confusing stuff, it has moments that are so trying it's a wonder people continue to populate and submit themselves to that insanity, but it's all the other moments when you see the Universe in your child's eyes and are completely soothed by their laughter and want nothing but to dry the tears and comfort their sadness. When you think of it like that, it's no wonder at all. The financial struggles, the moments of utter frustration, the days when you want to pull your hair out, it is all very real, but I have a faith in these two and their abilities to love this child. Kids that are loved grow up to give love and succeed, they have a head start, Justin & Colleen are giving him that head start just by being the wonderful people that they are. All children deserve this 'head start', I wish there were more I could do to see that each and every one of them have it.
And I think of Colleen and wonder what shifts will occur in her spirit as this child grows and her inner Momma Bear grows as well. Motherhood has a way of changing a girl, I am always fascinated by the transition, however subtle. I suspect Justin's colors will also transform and change with this experience, I believe they will be fantastic parents. I think of me and wonder if I will be sane after Max's teen years. I think I don't want to think about it right now:)
And I think of how all Women are The Goddess Creator, physical birth does not define this. Our wombs and warm hearts make us Mothers. Our spirits and ability to nurture and give make us Mothers. Our gorgeous bodies, designed to not only give and sustain life, but equally designed to give and sustain great pleasure and knowledge, this makes us Mothers. And Creators. And Goddesses.
'We are all made of the same stuff, star dust.'
Here's a little detail:
Momma was due August 5th. Momma went into labor about 10ish Friday night (August 5th) and went to the hospital about 3 AM Saturday morning (August 6th) after her water broke on the potty, for any of you WHO don't realize the truly magnificent aspect of this little detail, just take heart in knowing that this is a miracle and a very lucky one at that. I am sure she doesn't want me sharing this with the world, but I couldn't help it. Pretty lucky for her and Dad! Anyway, Momma and Poppa made their way to the hospital (which is gorgeous BTW and totally state of the art) and she went into hard labor about 11:30 and the little dude was right on time at 1:55 PM! It sounds like Colleen did great and had a bit of a hard time during part of the delivery, but over all did wonderfully. I am not surprised, she is a steadfast one if I say so myself, ornery as hell but damit if she doesn't put it down when necessary. This child is going be VERY clear about where his boundaries are;)
I went to the hospital about 4PM, imagine...holding a 2 hour old infant! Astonishing. Certainly, I've held my share of infants (Max was defiantly the pinkest and cutest with his big ole blue eyes staring me down) but each and every time I get one of those little souls in my arms I am completely shocked at how EVERY SINGLE time I see a brand new baby I am overcome by the experience. The tiny little everything, the eyes registering the light and detail, the squeals and squeaks, the warmth of their little swaddled bodies, the very newness of their existence. It's so overwhelming, it's like you have the answer to every quandary and conundrum in your very hands and it comes from the body of The Goddess Mother. 'We are all made of the same stuff, star dust.' I don't remember who said it, but it was a quote used during a Planetarium show we attended a few months ago. Breathing in this new little life form reminded me of that quote, he is made of the same stuff as I am and that you are, we all have the answers within us and we all come from the same place, made of the same stuff. I saw The Goddess Creator that was Colleen in that moment, I saw her often very stern and determined face soften considerably and the brightness of her eyes in holding her baby. Mother and child, bonding, staring at one another, learning every intricate detail of one another. I saw Love and how it moved me, Love in it's most complete and purest form.
As always, the birth of a new baby also brings my experiences with Little Man to the surface. That in spite of great adversity, this child came to be and we flourished. Maybe I will pull together the entire story some day, it would likely be a painful but rewarding endeavor, but there is one detail that stands out to me when I think of my child's birth. I became very ill after having Max, within hours I had a temperature exceeding 103 and was basically delirious from pain and medications. It turned out to be a Staph infection. I remember the hospital staff taking Max to clean him up after I had a moment with him, then a very fuzzy flash forward to trying to see him in the nursery and the nurse escorting me back to my room because I was in no condition to stand. I remember being very upset, I wanted to see him so badly. The nurse said she'd bring him to our room. Flash forward to the next morning, I woke up and was in such pain, my body felt like it has been split open and everything in my middle section felt like it was on fire. My body knew that something was missing and some thing about that was very unnerving. I was laying on the hospital bed, IV's and fluids pumping through me. I was laying on my side, something like a fetal position and I opened my eyes. I opened my eyes to these two enormous brilliant blue eyes just gazing at me, we stared at each other for a very long time. It seemed like hours, it may have been. I don't know. Neither of us moved or motioned, just stared. I believe in that moment Max and I had some sort of telepathic experience, even if only in a very core manner. The intensity of that experience and his sweet sweet eyes are very strong memories, ones that are so completely engrained my mind, carthedic in nature. I had no idea at all, what this child would bring to my life. Not a clue, in any way could I even begin to comprehend.
And then I think of the challenges this new Momma and Poppa are facing. I am so proud of both of them and my heart swells with adoration as they face the challenges and embracing the gift. Parenting is confusing stuff, it has moments that are so trying it's a wonder people continue to populate and submit themselves to that insanity, but it's all the other moments when you see the Universe in your child's eyes and are completely soothed by their laughter and want nothing but to dry the tears and comfort their sadness. When you think of it like that, it's no wonder at all. The financial struggles, the moments of utter frustration, the days when you want to pull your hair out, it is all very real, but I have a faith in these two and their abilities to love this child. Kids that are loved grow up to give love and succeed, they have a head start, Justin & Colleen are giving him that head start just by being the wonderful people that they are. All children deserve this 'head start', I wish there were more I could do to see that each and every one of them have it.
And I think of Colleen and wonder what shifts will occur in her spirit as this child grows and her inner Momma Bear grows as well. Motherhood has a way of changing a girl, I am always fascinated by the transition, however subtle. I suspect Justin's colors will also transform and change with this experience, I believe they will be fantastic parents. I think of me and wonder if I will be sane after Max's teen years. I think I don't want to think about it right now:)
And I think of how all Women are The Goddess Creator, physical birth does not define this. Our wombs and warm hearts make us Mothers. Our spirits and ability to nurture and give make us Mothers. Our gorgeous bodies, designed to not only give and sustain life, but equally designed to give and sustain great pleasure and knowledge, this makes us Mothers. And Creators. And Goddesses.
'We are all made of the same stuff, star dust.'
Thursday, August 04, 2005
Rainy Day Random Reflections
It's a generally quiet week here at PDC, some minor work here and there but relatively calm with little to do. I cannot complain, I do not mind really, besides it's given me ample opportunity to blogg a little more then usual I just love blabbering.
I've managed to hurt my wrists, I think I slept on them strangely last night. I didn't sleep well last night, kept hearing bumps, thumps and other unidentified sounds. I've always thought my house might have spirits with unfinished business here, but I am not sure it had anything to do with that. In other bedtime news, The Buffalo I normally snuggle was replaced by The Momma Leopard & Her Cub, but she is a little bulky and awkward so The Buffalo will remain my favorite cuddle toy for sleep. I like to cuddle CMan too, but he is not very pliable and has bones, you can clearly see the challenges there.
It's rainy today, I love it. Perhaps the Pacific Northwest would be a good place for me after all, I really enjoy weather of all kinds. I always wondered if the cloudy rain would get to me if I were to head up North, but I'm not so sure. I would miss the snow though, if I moved away from Colorado. I like the 'snow-vibe.' I like being cozied up in bed and wake up to the snow and then go back to sleep or choose to put my pajama's and slippers on and waddle over to the couch and then watching the snow from there and then going back to bed and being warm and watching the snow from there too...I would miss that. I also like the way it looks against the street lamps as it falls a night, I have many memories of being outside in the snow at night, sometimes just a few flakes, other times a straight out blizzard. I would miss that a lot.
This is a strange odor in the office right now, I'm not sure I am very comfortable with it and am thinking of pursuing the source but am nervous about the whole 'You smelt it, you dealt it' aspect of walking around the office sniffing and asking 'What is that smell?'
I do hope work doesn't all dump on me right before I am to leave for Wisconsin the end of this month? I am a little nervous about visiting my family in that direction, it's been a very long time and I've changed tremendously. My Grandparents won't even know what to think as they have a knowledge of me the rest of my family does not, I am certainly no longer a little innocent lass, though I play one very well should I choose to *wink* Anyhow, if memory serves I am facing some large differences politically and in food choices, but otherwise we all like beer and to laugh a lot, a Universal Common Ground. Works for me. Can't wait to show the Little Man off, I am quite proud of what a wonderful spirit he is, I think they will all agree.
Even thought it has been a quiet week, I am looking forward to the weekend. I can't wait to sleep in on Saturday morning and hang out with Little Man all weekend. CMan and I are thinking of taking him to the drive in this weekend. I think he'd dig the whole idea, maybe we'll make a picnic out of it?
I keep reading all this hype on the internet about Al Quaida's supposed 'threats' to America & London......fear is a powerful weapon, especially in the hands of a huge super power with millions of tax payers. I wonder what this will all look like 20 years from now, what Max will remember and what changes in culture will be attributed to this time period in history, mostly I think it will just be embarrassing for all of us.
Getting ready to head out for the day, go hang out with Little Man for the afternoon.
Peace.
"This whole world's wild at heart and weird on top."
~Lula
*Wild At Heart.
I've managed to hurt my wrists, I think I slept on them strangely last night. I didn't sleep well last night, kept hearing bumps, thumps and other unidentified sounds. I've always thought my house might have spirits with unfinished business here, but I am not sure it had anything to do with that. In other bedtime news, The Buffalo I normally snuggle was replaced by The Momma Leopard & Her Cub, but she is a little bulky and awkward so The Buffalo will remain my favorite cuddle toy for sleep. I like to cuddle CMan too, but he is not very pliable and has bones, you can clearly see the challenges there.
It's rainy today, I love it. Perhaps the Pacific Northwest would be a good place for me after all, I really enjoy weather of all kinds. I always wondered if the cloudy rain would get to me if I were to head up North, but I'm not so sure. I would miss the snow though, if I moved away from Colorado. I like the 'snow-vibe.' I like being cozied up in bed and wake up to the snow and then go back to sleep or choose to put my pajama's and slippers on and waddle over to the couch and then watching the snow from there and then going back to bed and being warm and watching the snow from there too...I would miss that. I also like the way it looks against the street lamps as it falls a night, I have many memories of being outside in the snow at night, sometimes just a few flakes, other times a straight out blizzard. I would miss that a lot.
This is a strange odor in the office right now, I'm not sure I am very comfortable with it and am thinking of pursuing the source but am nervous about the whole 'You smelt it, you dealt it' aspect of walking around the office sniffing and asking 'What is that smell?'
I do hope work doesn't all dump on me right before I am to leave for Wisconsin the end of this month? I am a little nervous about visiting my family in that direction, it's been a very long time and I've changed tremendously. My Grandparents won't even know what to think as they have a knowledge of me the rest of my family does not, I am certainly no longer a little innocent lass, though I play one very well should I choose to *wink* Anyhow, if memory serves I am facing some large differences politically and in food choices, but otherwise we all like beer and to laugh a lot, a Universal Common Ground. Works for me. Can't wait to show the Little Man off, I am quite proud of what a wonderful spirit he is, I think they will all agree.
Even thought it has been a quiet week, I am looking forward to the weekend. I can't wait to sleep in on Saturday morning and hang out with Little Man all weekend. CMan and I are thinking of taking him to the drive in this weekend. I think he'd dig the whole idea, maybe we'll make a picnic out of it?
I keep reading all this hype on the internet about Al Quaida's supposed 'threats' to America & London......fear is a powerful weapon, especially in the hands of a huge super power with millions of tax payers. I wonder what this will all look like 20 years from now, what Max will remember and what changes in culture will be attributed to this time period in history, mostly I think it will just be embarrassing for all of us.
Getting ready to head out for the day, go hang out with Little Man for the afternoon.
Peace.
"This whole world's wild at heart and weird on top."
~Lula
*Wild At Heart.
Wednesday, August 03, 2005
Becuase It Is The Right Thing....For Me...It's Not About You.
Let me just state the obvious: My life style, method of thought, decisions and choices are all based on what is right for me and embody the very essence of my (MY!) belief system.
I do not pass judgment unto others who do not hold the same beliefs as I do, I welcome the unique perspective of others. I do not expect you to agree, concede, accept, participate, adapt or even consider my perspective and choices; I do not seek your validation. If your position differs from my own, I do not require justifications from you. If my very presence some how brings forth thoughts and/or feelings of guilt for your own decisions and/or life style, I do not need a lengthy explanation as to why you make the decisions that you do. It's really ok. Really.
I am not personally offended by you or your way of life, why are you by mine?
I hardly understand why it is my responsibility to defend MY choices to you if they make YOU uncomfortable. I have not made the decisions I've made to be difficult, embarrass, harass or some how guilt you in to my belief system. I love you. All.
This is my life path and I am walking it as gracefully and thoughtfully as is possible for me. I know what is written on my heart and I follow it to the best of my ability. I do not always succeed, sometimes I switch gears and explore other options but I know I am but a little babe in these great big woods and exploring them just as everyone else does.
If my behaviors, actions, ideals, interests, aura, if I as a human being in some way come across as self-righteous to you, I apologize, it is not my intention. But I will not feel guilt or allow you to chastise me for your lack of tolerance and understanding for my choices.
If I choose to refrain from eating flesh, it is because I disagree with the senseless torture, mutilation and murder of millions of animals and the utter lack of respect for our fellow souls NOT because I think you are some barbarian or condemn you for doing so.
If I choose to refrain from participating in any specific organized religion, it is because I disagree with the methods, ideologies and brainwashing mind control that I see...not because I am disrespecting your freedom to practice any religion you choose or casting a judgment on your belief in Allah, Jesus Christ, Gaia, Green Man Or Your Pet Hampster.
If I choose to refrain from spanking my child, it is not because I think you are a 'bad' parent if that is your method of discipline.
If I choose to party till the wee hours of the morning, engage in 'premarital' sex and run naked through the sprinklers at 3:00 AM, it does NOT mean I think you are a 'party-pooper', 'stuck-up' or a 'tight-ass.'
I do not make these choices out of self-important prideful ego or with motives to quantify my existence, I make my life choices as I move through these motions the best that I can based on what my spirit and heart speak. I do not walk about with a microphone and an amp preaching and touting my thoughts and beliefs to others, it exists within me, if you ask, I will answer. If you find my answer unacceptable or concerned of what others might think of you by associating with me, then YOU have the choice to disagree and kindly be on your way. I will not stop you and I will not hold it in my heart as I would hope you would not in yours.
Nameste
I do not pass judgment unto others who do not hold the same beliefs as I do, I welcome the unique perspective of others. I do not expect you to agree, concede, accept, participate, adapt or even consider my perspective and choices; I do not seek your validation. If your position differs from my own, I do not require justifications from you. If my very presence some how brings forth thoughts and/or feelings of guilt for your own decisions and/or life style, I do not need a lengthy explanation as to why you make the decisions that you do. It's really ok. Really.
I am not personally offended by you or your way of life, why are you by mine?
I hardly understand why it is my responsibility to defend MY choices to you if they make YOU uncomfortable. I have not made the decisions I've made to be difficult, embarrass, harass or some how guilt you in to my belief system. I love you. All.
This is my life path and I am walking it as gracefully and thoughtfully as is possible for me. I know what is written on my heart and I follow it to the best of my ability. I do not always succeed, sometimes I switch gears and explore other options but I know I am but a little babe in these great big woods and exploring them just as everyone else does.
If my behaviors, actions, ideals, interests, aura, if I as a human being in some way come across as self-righteous to you, I apologize, it is not my intention. But I will not feel guilt or allow you to chastise me for your lack of tolerance and understanding for my choices.
If I choose to refrain from eating flesh, it is because I disagree with the senseless torture, mutilation and murder of millions of animals and the utter lack of respect for our fellow souls NOT because I think you are some barbarian or condemn you for doing so.
If I choose to refrain from participating in any specific organized religion, it is because I disagree with the methods, ideologies and brainwashing mind control that I see...not because I am disrespecting your freedom to practice any religion you choose or casting a judgment on your belief in Allah, Jesus Christ, Gaia, Green Man Or Your Pet Hampster.
If I choose to refrain from spanking my child, it is not because I think you are a 'bad' parent if that is your method of discipline.
If I choose to party till the wee hours of the morning, engage in 'premarital' sex and run naked through the sprinklers at 3:00 AM, it does NOT mean I think you are a 'party-pooper', 'stuck-up' or a 'tight-ass.'
I do not make these choices out of self-important prideful ego or with motives to quantify my existence, I make my life choices as I move through these motions the best that I can based on what my spirit and heart speak. I do not walk about with a microphone and an amp preaching and touting my thoughts and beliefs to others, it exists within me, if you ask, I will answer. If you find my answer unacceptable or concerned of what others might think of you by associating with me, then YOU have the choice to disagree and kindly be on your way. I will not stop you and I will not hold it in my heart as I would hope you would not in yours.
Nameste
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
Spork Part Deux
I am a Class A Dumbass this morning. Max was scheduled for summer camp today, I completely screwed up the next two weeks in my mind's schedule. He's going this week and next week but was supposed to go M, T, W & F THIS week and M, W, F NEXT week....damit, what a waste of money and now he's at all bored n' stuff. Obviously things need to slow down a little, I can't keep things straight. Time to make use of my Unicorn Calendar again me thinks. Slooooow it down sister!
I am getting conflicting reports on my Grandmother, I talked to Mom last night and she said everything seemed fine. The first email from my Grandfather this morning said the same and then the second indicated she had a fever, was feeling very run down and they were looking at more tests. That says infection to me, I don't know for sure, but that's what my gut says and that makes me nervous. Thanks to all of your good wishes, all of that positive energy and thought in her direction is definitely all we can do right now. I will keep you posted as we move forward.
Had a wonderful evening with CMan last night, we do so good. I'm not sure how or why I do it, but sometimes I forget how compatible and loving we are with one another and rarely tend to stay upset with each other at all and neither of us hold grudges (I'm too lazy to hold a grudge? Rhi???? LOL!) We are taking this weekend as an opportunity for a VERY quiet weekend at home and have decided this weekend has to be about us and chilling at the house. I am already looking forward to it. Besides, Little Man is starting school sooner than he thinks, he's gonna need some down time too. Sigh, is it Friday yet????
Work is a little hectic today, one of the managers at our main client is pregnant for the first time and they've had all sorts of upheaval...she's a sweetheart, but one of those folks who doesn't handle any kind of stress so well. So EVERYTHING is a big deal and EVERYDAY the sky is falling....she's chasing her tail and I'm just doing my best to get her what she needs all the while refusing to allow myself to get consumed by her insanity. I am doing pretty good at it, after working at a place like TNT for 2 years, a girl develops pretty thick skin to such things.
Oh yes and a trivia question.....I made it up all by myself, hee hee:)
What movie musical has several scenes in which the key players and performers are consuming Absinth in great volume and the Absinth itself plays a crucial role within the over all plot?
I am getting conflicting reports on my Grandmother, I talked to Mom last night and she said everything seemed fine. The first email from my Grandfather this morning said the same and then the second indicated she had a fever, was feeling very run down and they were looking at more tests. That says infection to me, I don't know for sure, but that's what my gut says and that makes me nervous. Thanks to all of your good wishes, all of that positive energy and thought in her direction is definitely all we can do right now. I will keep you posted as we move forward.
Had a wonderful evening with CMan last night, we do so good. I'm not sure how or why I do it, but sometimes I forget how compatible and loving we are with one another and rarely tend to stay upset with each other at all and neither of us hold grudges (I'm too lazy to hold a grudge? Rhi???? LOL!) We are taking this weekend as an opportunity for a VERY quiet weekend at home and have decided this weekend has to be about us and chilling at the house. I am already looking forward to it. Besides, Little Man is starting school sooner than he thinks, he's gonna need some down time too. Sigh, is it Friday yet????
Work is a little hectic today, one of the managers at our main client is pregnant for the first time and they've had all sorts of upheaval...she's a sweetheart, but one of those folks who doesn't handle any kind of stress so well. So EVERYTHING is a big deal and EVERYDAY the sky is falling....she's chasing her tail and I'm just doing my best to get her what she needs all the while refusing to allow myself to get consumed by her insanity. I am doing pretty good at it, after working at a place like TNT for 2 years, a girl develops pretty thick skin to such things.
Oh yes and a trivia question.....I made it up all by myself, hee hee:)
What movie musical has several scenes in which the key players and performers are consuming Absinth in great volume and the Absinth itself plays a crucial role within the over all plot?
Monday, August 01, 2005
Oatmeal With A Fork?
Sans Friday evening with my girls, which was a blast, this has not been the best of weekends. Actually, mostly just Sunday was upsetting and frustrating. Because I got absolutely nothing done on Saturday, I spent my Sunday morning working. Doing dishes, cleaning, grocery shopping and trying to get some level of organization back. Our house is small, one little thing out of place makes the whole house look like a disaster. This made me grumpy, I wanted to sleep. I wanted to lay in bed with CMan and snuggle. No dice.
My Grandma Barbie (Mom's Mom) is in the hospital. Has had surgery to implant a pace maker and her body is rejecting it. She spent a full year getting off of the Morphine she's been taking for chronic, debilitating arthritis which she's suffered from since her early 20's and they pumped her full of it again yesterday after the surgery. I could just strangle that doctor, what an insensitive jerk. She didn't even have the option to protest and was not given an option otherwise. He has no idea what she has been through in terms of withdrawal with this drug, everyone knows how addictive it. She is not doing well, they had to reinsert her chest tube twice (cringe) as they are trying to open up the air waves to her lungs. The pacemaker is squishing her lungs basically and since her body is rejecting it as well, her lungs need all the air they can get. I really don't know how to feel right now, neither does my Mom. What do we do? The idea of my Grandfather having to go through this on his own (no immediate family there) and the image of my Grandmother laying in that hospital bed alone is unbearable. They live in Tennessee, Mom and I already talked about going if the need arises. My job will understand, I have to be there for them if necessary. All we can do now is wait and that's the worst.
CMan and I had an ugly fight last night. I am hurt and frustrated. Besides my child, he is the closest person to me. He is my best friend and when we are hurtful to one another it resonates to the very core of my being. I said mean things, so did he. He was grumpy all day yesterday and I know he is upset about something. But he is choosing not to share with me, this hurts me, though he keeps insisting it has nothing to do with me. Maybe not, but it still hurts that I am being excluded from whatever it is that's going on internally, yet feeling all of the impact externally. I understand the need for space and gladly give it to him as we are both very independent individuals and need a lot of personal space, but this isn't about space.....sigh....I love him, he'd better know that and not be sitting at work fuming, which he probably is. He is upset about our fight, he is probably as sad as I am about it.
I am sad today. And now I am eating oatmeal with a fork cuz I don't have a spoon. Where's a spork when you need one? Can I get a spork over here????
The good news is that Max is home and I am so grateful to see his sweet smile and get some of that warm 12 year old kid hug love:) He is such an outstand person, he truly is. The other good news is that two of my girls are about to mommies for the first time, I am thrilled. I can't wait for these babies...both are due this week, so expect to hear more details on that. I cannot wait to have those little ones in my arms.
Spork?
My Grandma Barbie (Mom's Mom) is in the hospital. Has had surgery to implant a pace maker and her body is rejecting it. She spent a full year getting off of the Morphine she's been taking for chronic, debilitating arthritis which she's suffered from since her early 20's and they pumped her full of it again yesterday after the surgery. I could just strangle that doctor, what an insensitive jerk. She didn't even have the option to protest and was not given an option otherwise. He has no idea what she has been through in terms of withdrawal with this drug, everyone knows how addictive it. She is not doing well, they had to reinsert her chest tube twice (cringe) as they are trying to open up the air waves to her lungs. The pacemaker is squishing her lungs basically and since her body is rejecting it as well, her lungs need all the air they can get. I really don't know how to feel right now, neither does my Mom. What do we do? The idea of my Grandfather having to go through this on his own (no immediate family there) and the image of my Grandmother laying in that hospital bed alone is unbearable. They live in Tennessee, Mom and I already talked about going if the need arises. My job will understand, I have to be there for them if necessary. All we can do now is wait and that's the worst.
CMan and I had an ugly fight last night. I am hurt and frustrated. Besides my child, he is the closest person to me. He is my best friend and when we are hurtful to one another it resonates to the very core of my being. I said mean things, so did he. He was grumpy all day yesterday and I know he is upset about something. But he is choosing not to share with me, this hurts me, though he keeps insisting it has nothing to do with me. Maybe not, but it still hurts that I am being excluded from whatever it is that's going on internally, yet feeling all of the impact externally. I understand the need for space and gladly give it to him as we are both very independent individuals and need a lot of personal space, but this isn't about space.....sigh....I love him, he'd better know that and not be sitting at work fuming, which he probably is. He is upset about our fight, he is probably as sad as I am about it.
I am sad today. And now I am eating oatmeal with a fork cuz I don't have a spoon. Where's a spork when you need one? Can I get a spork over here????
The good news is that Max is home and I am so grateful to see his sweet smile and get some of that warm 12 year old kid hug love:) He is such an outstand person, he truly is. The other good news is that two of my girls are about to mommies for the first time, I am thrilled. I can't wait for these babies...both are due this week, so expect to hear more details on that. I cannot wait to have those little ones in my arms.
Spork?
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