Exposure

I am feeling exceptionally exposed and vulnerable this morning. This is not to say that I don't walk around already knowing I wear my heart on my sleeve, that I emit complete transparency. Crying easily, laughing boisterously and reacting with honest, raw emotion is really the only way I know how to exist. I am not shy about this nor do I make any attempt to conceal this aspect of my spirit. An open book indeed.

This is a very different sort of exposure, this is about the intricate details of my neurosis and shame. I hadn't realized I had so much shame left, I thought I'd escaped that trap. Unfortunately, this does not seem to be the case.

Sharing my life and every aspect of my daily existence with this man whom I adore, love and respect beyond what I thought was possible to share with another person has brought this issue to the surface in a frightening way. He see's me in the starkest, ugliest light; completely naked and at my crudest. He see's my hair stringy and hanging in my face when I cannot look him in the eye, my own eyes filled with tears that might drown the world. He bares witness to the true depths of my injuries and I find myself filled with absolute shame and embarrassment.

The shame I feel is not because of my history or due to the mistreatment from others, I refuse anyone else the satisfaction of shaming me. I am past playing the victim. It is a personal shame that is based on my own inabilities to persevere through some of that pain and my high expectations of myself to reach almost total perfection within the emotional realm. To stand tall against the past and those who took from me and cultivate this being that exists outside of those experiences. The embarrassment comes from that struggle and this sense that this struggle is on display to those closest to me. Not to mention how that struggle impacts those experiencing daily life with me in those moments when I don't have it together so well, which is more than I'd like to admit.

It is a little uncomfortable to feel my underbelly exposed so completely. To know that someone else is present at my very best and worst and wondering what he must be thinking of me. What of this women who is always pulled in one direction or another, not a whole lot of balance. Purely extreme in every sense of that word? I would confuse the hell out of me. It's got to be pretty difficult some days.

My concern for his opinion is not out of need for his approval or because I fear this man's actions or that I distrust him. Quite the opposite, it is more because I wish only to give so completely to him as he does to me and sometimes I feel I am simply not able and he see's that. That bothers me. It does not feel fair or even. Every time I fall apart over something I thought I'd healed from long ago, he's the lucky guy that gets to hold my hand and wipe the tears. I'm not sure I'd call that luck by any means.

It has also occurred to me that it is quite possible that I am experiencing true emotional intimacy with someone for the very first time in my life and that maybe I am not quite as insane as I think I am, only moving through the phases of allowing another individual total access to my authentic self. Obviously I'm talking outside of the parent/child bond, that's a very different sort of emotional attachment. In my adult life I have been surrounded by warm and wonderful individuals for the most part and I feel very genuine in my interactions with most of them, but the reality is that I have been primarily on my own and while I've often consulted with others for support when I've needed it, in reflection it is quite possible I've relied mostly on myself to nurture my emotional, spiritual and intellectual self. Exposing the very depths of all of those 'selves' to another person is new to me to some degree, at least to this level. And very often, I am completely overcome at how he some how continues to extend his love for me without any question or judgments. He IS always there to hold my hand and wipe my tears and only fosters compassion and tolerance in our relationship.

We are learning from each other, there's no question about that.

I told him last night after an episode 'Someday I might be normal.'

He just laughed at me, gave me a squeeze and told me he loved me.

Someday I might be normal *giggles* yeah. ok. What fun is it to be normal anyway?