Sticky Situations...

Max and I left his father when I was 18; Max was about 20 months old. Though Sean was several years older than me, at the time he was pretty immature. So was I. We were both very young to have a child and he wasn't ready to be a father or a partner. There was no love between us (if there ever really was) only this very abusive and dysfunctional existence, to say the least. Leaving him was the only option and I have never questioned my decision.

Since Max and I have done wonderfully all things considered. I had to be on public assistance for a while, went to college and established a career that supports Max and I fairly comfortably for the most part. Max is a well adjusted little man for having a somewhat whacked out mother and we’ve definitely had our hard times, but over all life has been pretty good to us and a word like ‘grateful’ hardly describes what I feel for how the past 12 years have treated us both.

Sean has had minimal if no contact at all for most of Max’s childhood. He has never paid child support and continued his self-indulgent and irresponsible behaviors for the duration of Max’s young life. Up until two years ago, he only saw Max twice and was extremely difficult when I filed for full custody of our child, though I ultimately won without dispute. He had ample opportunity to contest, he did not, only threatened and belittled my efforts to be parent the life we created together. When I think of the custody suite, I am overwhelmed at Sean’s treatment of the situation; I’ve never understood but again, had very little choice. If something were to ever happen to me, I did not want Sean to be the default for Max’s care and being that Sean threatened several times to kill me, at this time, the idea that something may happen to me wasn’t entirely out of the realm of possibility. Not to mention that life throws us a curve ball every now and then and I had to know that my wishes would be respected if that curve ball were to come my way.

Two years ago Sean moved to Wyoming where his sister, her husband and her several children live. Until then it is my understanding that he lived in California, but do not really know the detail. Sean’s parents have been very active in Max’s life since we moved back here from California and they go to visit their other grandchildren in Wyoming regularly. In their eyes, it was also an opportunity for Max and Sean to begin establishing a relationship when Sean moved to Wyoming. At first, I was very hesitant and still have moments of total frustration, but have allowed the visits, as ultimately, I know it is the right thing for my son to put a face with the name of the man that is his father. I had no idea how long Sean would be around and whether or not these visits would continue, so until now we have played out the entire scenario by ear. The way the visits are structured now are ok with me, they are very informal and often consist of brief interactions at the hotel they are staying at or Sean’s house for a bbq, whatever the context, what ultimately matters to me is that they are supervised and I believe my wishes are respected, though I do not know that for sure.

My frustrations about how easy it is for Sean lately to spend time with Max without any of the responsibility aside, the fact remains that raising a soon to be teenager is costly. I have never went after Sean out of fear and the thought that I saw no reason to invite him to our lives, I could do this on my own and didn’t need the stress something as simple going after him for child support would likely bring about. But as the years pass and the debt builds up and Max’s educational expenses, sport fee’s and summer camp tuition increase, I am feeling stronger and stronger about pursuing some sort of assistance from Sean for Max’s expenses. It is my understanding that he is doing well, has a stable job and is making his own ends meet. I see no reason why he cannot begin helping to support his child. I feel I have been reasonable about their visits and have been anything but demanding in terms of money, or even buying him a pair of shoes. Christmas and birthday gifts, a phone call…all of these things have been conveniently eluded by Sean for years.

Now the time has come to face the realities of asking Sean for help with Max’s expenses, it seems the right time, but I still have some fears about doing so. Perhaps it is my own residual anxiety over the abuse we suffered from Max’s early years and never wanting to revisit any of those experiences. Perhaps it is that I just do not do well with conflict of any sort, some have accused me of continuing to see myself as a victim, as much as that hurts me to think about, maybe it is true. I don’t know exactly what sparks the anxiety, but it is very real. I have many in my life who support me in this venture in many different ways and I think have gotten to a point of frustration with me over the situation as I have spoke of it before only to back down or just ‘let it go.’ Comments and accusations have been made and this hurts me, but I know the comments only bear the truth of the situation and that is that it is my responsibility to remain strong. Some times I do not feel strong. Some times I feel selfish and wonder why it is always I who has no choice but to remain the vision of strength, but I know this is petty and unwarranted.

All of this aside, I have simply grown tired of asking others for help because I cannot make ends meet, making requests of people who have no responsibility to me or my family at all, but continue to give of themselves endlessly and without question. I often fear I have disappointed them by not being stronger and can only hope that they understand as I work through any internal conflicts I may have about moving forward with pushing for child support. The bottom line is that my internal conflicts do not matter, this is about Max. My child. Who deserves everything that I can give him and if I can aid in pursuing opportunities that cannot be funded primarily by me, that is definitely something I must do everything in my power to help materialize. In part, this is where Sean’s assistance in raising this child comes into play.

I have drafted a letter of intent and am going to be working with my attorney to ensure that I do nothing that compromises our current legal situation in terms of visitation or asking for to little in terms of dollars. I plan to only ask for $200.00 per month to start, am willing to give Sean the option of receipts and proof of the expenses I am applying his dollars toward and will allow the supervised visitations to continue. I will also begin keeping a record of every payment so that if the state were ever to come after him, those payments would be applied. In all reality, the state would go after him for much much more per month and would ask him for the thousands he owes in back support. I am open to start from the right here and now, but cannot guarantee the actions of the state and intend to be very open with him about this possibility.

That really is my bottom line, $200.00 extra a month goes a very long way when it comes to raising a 13 year old child. His fees for Junior High alone are $200.00. Not to mention Soccer fee’s for the fall. I am willing to work with Sean and have no intent on starting a war with this man, though in my heart, I feel it is likely that Sean will feel very put out by this motion. My requests are not unreasonable nor are they irrational in any manner and I also know that while Sean may have his faults, he is not an unintelligent individual. No matter how you slice it, logically this all makes a lot of sense and I know HE knows it is undisputable. I will do every thing in my power to ensure the situation is fair to all involved, not out of fear but because it is what I feel is right. I cannot condemn a man I no longer know, it seems likely to me he is no longer the individual I knew many years ago and while I want absolutely nothing to do with this person on a personal level and would be just as happy to NOT have him in our lives, he is here. That is the way it is and I have to move on that reality, not ideally stand by with out at least some effort on my part.

I refuse to speculate on any potential outcomes of this motion; it’s very hard to say what the next steps will be. But as I move through the thought process I am coming to a place of understanding and strength. Max and I am empowered, loved and nurtured. The cards must now fall where they may.