Internal workings…..
Somewhere along the line, in my youth or since, I’ve learned to hold myself accountable for everyone else’s happiness, sadness, general state of well being, safety and experiences except my own. Drama with the momma? Drama with the man child? My partner or friend isn’t the absolute picture of sunshine while interacting with me? A coworker smarts off at another coworker? The dogs aren’t getting along? Bella keeps peeing on my favorite towel? The cat pukes up the new food I bought her? These must all be signs somehow that I have failed the person(s) or relationship in question. Surely, it must be right? After all, I’m the epitome of sunshiny happiness, the all-knowing momma bear and would NEVER puke up a free meal! That’s just rude! I’m the absolute perfect model martyr. Right down to my sad droopy tears and restless nights agonizing over such things.
~ GAG ~
Good grief, not only is this totally exhausting and somewhat pathetic (perhaps I ought to get to focusing on my OWN life and stop worrying about everyone else’s so much?) it is totally unnecessary! The world surely isn’t doing me the same favor by agonizing over such things and some how relieving me of these anxieties. I’m the only one responsible for these things for myself (as a very wise Aunty recently pointed out) so it’s on me to treat myself kindly and with respect and take care of myself. Why then, is it or has it become some how, my responsibility to do so for everyone else?
My inner child is literally crying to be free of what feels like a life time of babysitting everyone else’s feelings and needs and wanting someone to babysit me for a minute. Uhm, inner child…hello, that would be YOU little girl. You have to babysit yourself because no one else is going to. Which isn’t totally true, evident by the number of loving souls so willing to nurture all aspects of me, even the totally goofy immature and not so always-loveable ones. It’s much to fun to play the martyr tho, jeez.
The mother in me wants to keep giving unselfishly with not ever a consideration for my own energy and well being because that’s what “good” mothers do. (more gagging)
My inner assertive realist says LET IT GO! Not your problem, everyone lives their own life and you are not responsible or accountable for their behavior, actions, outcomes or personal needs. AND you can’t fix it either.
There’s also a pretty squeaky wheel in there somewhere that just feels generally whiney about the whole damn state of affairs and gets all panicky along with the bats in the belfry…it goes something like this:
“You aren’t going to be loved, appreciated or respected if you aren’t constantly giving of yourself to others.”
~ or ~
“You aren’t loveable or desirable unless you are giving something of yourself to others.”
~ or ~
“You just aren’t enough, all by yourself without some kind of gift to offer others, you just aren’t enough.”
Some other inner working wants to remain compassionate and loving and not lose myself to the plight of the selfish little screaming child inside that is throwing tantrums because it’s not been or being heard or the self-loathing voice that always whispers that what I have to offer the world in and of myself, isn’t enough. I don’t want to become bitter or off putting or isolating or lose my belief in the power of love.
Man, I wish my voices would all start playing nicely together. They are seriously giving me a headache. Until then, I AM using my big girl voice and putting the boundary down about putting any energy into perfectly grown adults whose job it is to take care of them-selves (and always has been) and not mine. That much, at least I can do.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Head Full Of Doubt, Road Full Of Promise - Avett Brothers
There's a darkness upon me that's flooded in light
In the fine print they tell me what's wrong and what's right
And it comes in black and it comes in white
And I'm frightened by those that don't see it
When nothing is owed or deserved or expected
And your life doesn't change by the man that's elected
If you're loved by someone, you're never rejected
Decide what to be and go be it
There was a dream and one day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid with a head full of doubt
So I'll scream til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out
There's a darkness upon you that's flooded in light
And in the fine print they tell you what's wrong and what's right
And it flies by day and it flies by night
And I'm frightened by those that don't see it
There was a dream and one day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid with a head full of doubt
So I'll scream til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out
There was a dream and one day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid with a head full of doubt
So I'll scream til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out
There's a darkness upon me that's flooded in light
In the fine print they tell me what's wrong and what's right
There's a darkness upon me that's flooded in light
And I'm frightened by those that don't see it
In the fine print they tell me what's wrong and what's right
And it comes in black and it comes in white
And I'm frightened by those that don't see it
When nothing is owed or deserved or expected
And your life doesn't change by the man that's elected
If you're loved by someone, you're never rejected
Decide what to be and go be it
There was a dream and one day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid with a head full of doubt
So I'll scream til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out
There's a darkness upon you that's flooded in light
And in the fine print they tell you what's wrong and what's right
And it flies by day and it flies by night
And I'm frightened by those that don't see it
There was a dream and one day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid with a head full of doubt
So I'll scream til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out
There was a dream and one day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid with a head full of doubt
So I'll scream til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out
There's a darkness upon me that's flooded in light
In the fine print they tell me what's wrong and what's right
There's a darkness upon me that's flooded in light
And I'm frightened by those that don't see it
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Ouch.
The man child and I have been trying to figure out the holidays visit schedule for about a month now. It’s like now that he’s on his own (in his eyes) he doesn’t have any obligations to spend time with family for Turkey Turkey Day or the Christmas Holiday. Correction, me. His dad and his dad’s side of the family are getting plenty of time with him. Which, I know is partly because a) He lives less than a mile from his dad and b) His dad, naturally, comes to Colorado to see his parents and Max comes along to see them. I’m basically left with working around what they are doing even though I offered to buy him a bus ticket out here or give him gas money or, come to see him if he didn’t feel he was able to get here.
Yesterday, M texted me and said “Good news, looks like we are coming to CO for Thanksgiving after all and I’ll have a few hours on Friday to go to lunch or something.”
My immediate response is total glee at the thought of spending some time with him. Then I think, “Wait a minute, just a few days ago he said he couldn’t come out at all?” But I ignored that and just let myself be happy about getting to spend a little time with him.
As we start discussing our plans, he seemed excited about seeing if we could find a way for him to spend one of the 3 nights he’ll be in Colorado at my place so he could see the dogs and we could all do a Thanksgiving together. I offered to drive him the 2 hour round trip Friday afternoon and Saturday morning back and forth to his Grandparents and ensuring he was able to get back up the mountain in time for him and his dad to head back to WY. He said he’d talk to his dad and see what was up, but he didn’t see a problem with that.
Lots of planning goes into all this and we leave it at that, with my coming to pick him up Friday noon and bringing him back early Saturday morning.
Five hours later it’s a totally different story. I get all this himming and hawwwing about how I need to share and he needs to spend time with his Grandparents and his dad for Thanksgiving because he spent his entire summer with me (4 weeks, most of which he spent with his friends) *blink* Huh? I’m not “sharing”? Excuse me. First of all, I’m his MOTHER. Secondly, he’s living with his dad over a year now and has seen his grandparents a number of times in between. Thirdly, I’m HIS MOTHER! Hello.
Then it hits me. And prepare yourselves because this is some real sad woe-is-me crap about to happen: He doesn’t really want to spend any time with me. In his eyes, he’s doing me a favor by conceding to a lunch date because no matter what I do, he doesn’t budge. It’s lunch. That’s it, that’s all you get. Be happy with that.
I was crushed and spent the rest of the evening fighting back the tears and feeling very depressed. I couldn’t figure out a) Why it was hurting me so bad, after all, at least he wants to see me, right? I should be happy he’s at least there, right? and b) I figure that at least some of this is his fathers influence, that much is apparent.
So what, I’m left to just deal with it I suppose. That’s the way it is now and I should be happy for the table scraps I am given? This, somehow, doesn’t feel at all ok to me. In general, I feel totally disrespected. It’s funny, because it’s not just with M. It’s at work, in many of my relationships. I just don’t feel taken seriously or all that respected as a person.
On the M front though, I can’t decide what is sparking all this deep hurt over this subject. I think I feel totally rejected on some level, as if my role as mother just isn’t all that important to anyone in the situation. Then it hits me that perhaps that is what this is really about, mother role affirmation. I am taking it pretty personally too, some might argue that it would be hard NOT to. Other’s would argue that he’s a teenage boy who is not only conflicted but most likely being pulled in numerous directions and it is my job, my responsibility to handle all of this with compassion and remember that yes, it hurts, but he’s growing up and trying to figure a lot of stuff out. This often leaves moms and dads in the lurch. I guess I just didn’t expect it to hurt this much. It sort of feels like we are going backward after a year plus of working toward a relationship that is healing and full of love.
I’m trying to dig through all this pain and rejection I’m feeling and figure out the best way to handle it. Most likely, it’s just to be the solid and suck it up butter cup. Damn it hurts like hell though.
In other and really exciting news, I may have the opportunity to hook up with Rose, Micheal and Clark William during a layover they’ll have in Denver on Saturday, November 27th. We are still working out the details, I haven’t heard anything back but I’m hoping it can happen. This opportunity reminds me that life throws you a bone every now and then and jumping on it without questioning it and feeling deflated because it’s not how the situation might have panned out according to your own personal desires.
Work is plugging along and I’m feeling more hopeful regarding a healthy progression. In spite of the fact that we’ve had a developer already resign and another I suspect, will be doing so relatively soon, it does feel like an opportunity of sorts. For all involved, the folks leaving and the folks remaining, to find a healthy balance. I believe some humbling is occurring in the upper ranks, which will bode well with those of us who catch all the crap that runs down the hill. There’s definitely a more appreciative and respectful attitude in daily interactions and while I’m still very concerned about some thing’s, I do sense that perhaps this recent turn of events will set the tone for the future. If nothing else, it’s been made clear that my work is valued. Cross those fingers for a raise!
D and I are doing well. Though, I’ve been pretty moody these past few days. I had an experience recently that triggered some of the PTSD stuff I’ve been working through for a while and that can throw me into a funk pretty easily. It must be very confusing for anyone who’s been in my general vincinity when this occurs. I don’t want to be touched or talked to or anything. I just want to be alone, I simply don’t have the energy to interact or explain what I’m feeling and I don’t want to take it out any one else, it’s not their fault these things happened to me and I’m still trying to deal. That could also be why I’m so sensitive to the stuff with Mj. I’m already a bit unbalanced at the moment, so anything is going to feel like the end of the world.
D handles it all well though, he’s so tolerant and understanding and gives me a wide berth and comes to me when I need him.
Off for now. There’s much to be done. I am cooking for Turkey Day, I’m sure I’ll go crazy and make a huge meal that D and I won’t be able to eat all of. In between now and then I’ve got a lot to do to prepare and some very good friends of mine are moving across country next Monday. This weekend will be taken up with all of that, goodbye parties and helping them pack the truck. I’ll miss them, they’ve been good to Max and I. However, I’ve learned to accept that this is life. You have moments where you are close close close to someone and then they can be gone, in a flash, out living their own lives. It’s important to remain grateful for what little time life affords us with those we connect.
Love you all!
XO
S
Yesterday, M texted me and said “Good news, looks like we are coming to CO for Thanksgiving after all and I’ll have a few hours on Friday to go to lunch or something.”
My immediate response is total glee at the thought of spending some time with him. Then I think, “Wait a minute, just a few days ago he said he couldn’t come out at all?” But I ignored that and just let myself be happy about getting to spend a little time with him.
As we start discussing our plans, he seemed excited about seeing if we could find a way for him to spend one of the 3 nights he’ll be in Colorado at my place so he could see the dogs and we could all do a Thanksgiving together. I offered to drive him the 2 hour round trip Friday afternoon and Saturday morning back and forth to his Grandparents and ensuring he was able to get back up the mountain in time for him and his dad to head back to WY. He said he’d talk to his dad and see what was up, but he didn’t see a problem with that.
Lots of planning goes into all this and we leave it at that, with my coming to pick him up Friday noon and bringing him back early Saturday morning.
Five hours later it’s a totally different story. I get all this himming and hawwwing about how I need to share and he needs to spend time with his Grandparents and his dad for Thanksgiving because he spent his entire summer with me (4 weeks, most of which he spent with his friends) *blink* Huh? I’m not “sharing”? Excuse me. First of all, I’m his MOTHER. Secondly, he’s living with his dad over a year now and has seen his grandparents a number of times in between. Thirdly, I’m HIS MOTHER! Hello.
Then it hits me. And prepare yourselves because this is some real sad woe-is-me crap about to happen: He doesn’t really want to spend any time with me. In his eyes, he’s doing me a favor by conceding to a lunch date because no matter what I do, he doesn’t budge. It’s lunch. That’s it, that’s all you get. Be happy with that.
I was crushed and spent the rest of the evening fighting back the tears and feeling very depressed. I couldn’t figure out a) Why it was hurting me so bad, after all, at least he wants to see me, right? I should be happy he’s at least there, right? and b) I figure that at least some of this is his fathers influence, that much is apparent.
So what, I’m left to just deal with it I suppose. That’s the way it is now and I should be happy for the table scraps I am given? This, somehow, doesn’t feel at all ok to me. In general, I feel totally disrespected. It’s funny, because it’s not just with M. It’s at work, in many of my relationships. I just don’t feel taken seriously or all that respected as a person.
On the M front though, I can’t decide what is sparking all this deep hurt over this subject. I think I feel totally rejected on some level, as if my role as mother just isn’t all that important to anyone in the situation. Then it hits me that perhaps that is what this is really about, mother role affirmation. I am taking it pretty personally too, some might argue that it would be hard NOT to. Other’s would argue that he’s a teenage boy who is not only conflicted but most likely being pulled in numerous directions and it is my job, my responsibility to handle all of this with compassion and remember that yes, it hurts, but he’s growing up and trying to figure a lot of stuff out. This often leaves moms and dads in the lurch. I guess I just didn’t expect it to hurt this much. It sort of feels like we are going backward after a year plus of working toward a relationship that is healing and full of love.
I’m trying to dig through all this pain and rejection I’m feeling and figure out the best way to handle it. Most likely, it’s just to be the solid and suck it up butter cup. Damn it hurts like hell though.
In other and really exciting news, I may have the opportunity to hook up with Rose, Micheal and Clark William during a layover they’ll have in Denver on Saturday, November 27th. We are still working out the details, I haven’t heard anything back but I’m hoping it can happen. This opportunity reminds me that life throws you a bone every now and then and jumping on it without questioning it and feeling deflated because it’s not how the situation might have panned out according to your own personal desires.
Work is plugging along and I’m feeling more hopeful regarding a healthy progression. In spite of the fact that we’ve had a developer already resign and another I suspect, will be doing so relatively soon, it does feel like an opportunity of sorts. For all involved, the folks leaving and the folks remaining, to find a healthy balance. I believe some humbling is occurring in the upper ranks, which will bode well with those of us who catch all the crap that runs down the hill. There’s definitely a more appreciative and respectful attitude in daily interactions and while I’m still very concerned about some thing’s, I do sense that perhaps this recent turn of events will set the tone for the future. If nothing else, it’s been made clear that my work is valued. Cross those fingers for a raise!
D and I are doing well. Though, I’ve been pretty moody these past few days. I had an experience recently that triggered some of the PTSD stuff I’ve been working through for a while and that can throw me into a funk pretty easily. It must be very confusing for anyone who’s been in my general vincinity when this occurs. I don’t want to be touched or talked to or anything. I just want to be alone, I simply don’t have the energy to interact or explain what I’m feeling and I don’t want to take it out any one else, it’s not their fault these things happened to me and I’m still trying to deal. That could also be why I’m so sensitive to the stuff with Mj. I’m already a bit unbalanced at the moment, so anything is going to feel like the end of the world.
D handles it all well though, he’s so tolerant and understanding and gives me a wide berth and comes to me when I need him.
Off for now. There’s much to be done. I am cooking for Turkey Day, I’m sure I’ll go crazy and make a huge meal that D and I won’t be able to eat all of. In between now and then I’ve got a lot to do to prepare and some very good friends of mine are moving across country next Monday. This weekend will be taken up with all of that, goodbye parties and helping them pack the truck. I’ll miss them, they’ve been good to Max and I. However, I’ve learned to accept that this is life. You have moments where you are close close close to someone and then they can be gone, in a flash, out living their own lives. It’s important to remain grateful for what little time life affords us with those we connect.
Love you all!
XO
S
Thursday, November 11, 2010
It was an ah ha moment alright…
Last Thursday, on the way to work, I came to the stark realization that 35 is the age that both my mother became a grandmother and approximately the same age my mother made her parents a grandparents. I have reason to believe that Max will break this cycle, he’s far to engulfed in striking the path to independence and is, therefore, totally into having “his” time at the moment.
A brief mommy interlude here: I have some fears that the boy is directly avoiding young women since living with his dad and that now, his relationship skills are going to be twice as jacked up as a result. I didn’t exactly lay down a good foundation for what a quality intimate adult relationship looks like and I still don’t know what I’m doing, so he didn’t get much help from me there. Way to go ma! His father, on the other hand, is just as detrimental in that he has the attitude that “women are not worth the trouble” so of course this mom is a bit on the concerned side about Max’s perception of women and what that looks like in his potential relationships. I don’t doubt that the boy respects women, I know that he does. I mean, how could he not? He’s been surrounded by a solid crew of really responsible, independent kick-ass women for 17 years. Kristen and I have been breaking the walls down about what moms (let alone single moms) are SUPPOSED to be doing since he or Bethany can remember. But, I do sense that he’s very conflicted (or not at all aware of the source, but it’s still writhing around in there just waiting to be discovered) and not showing any interest in girls as a result. He seems perfectly content to hang out with a bunch of dudes playing Xbox and riding BMX bikes all the time and sigh, drinking beer I’m thinking. This strikes me as slightly odd for 18, but I don’t know? Is it? I long ago pondered the possibility that he might be gay or just totally asexual and have no desires, which I assured him a number of times that this would be totally welcomed and accepted in my home if that were the case and he ought not fear such discussions with ole mom, to which he replied something like “Mom, please don’t talk to me about this right now..or ever.” Apparently, it’s still much to awkward an age to discuss sex with mom. Fair enough. However, based on some intercepted text messages and various articles moms aren’t supposed to discover, I am pretty sure he’s at least physically attracted to girls, but who knows. His hormones are still aligning themselves and I am convinced that guys don’t fully mature until after 40 anyway, so he’s got a ways to go and nothing would surprise me along the way.
now…back to the program…….
I do believe that Max is going to have the skills to avoid an unintentional pregnancy and can see the value in doing so from the 50 foot view, hopefully for at least 10 – 15 years. So, I’m not totally panicking about this as the predetermined destiny him before he grows out of the years starting with 1 OR for my 35 year old self, but the thought did spark some red hot feelings and emotions I’m not quite sure how to manage. Clearly, it is ones of mortality and sense of self. I keep thinking to myself “I am not sure I really know who the heck I am or how I feel about things and it’s a well documented fact that I’ve got all kinds of unresolved stuff that’s had to take a back seat to being a mother and other demanding relationships, so now what?’
I certainly haven’t been doing much in the way of soul searching in the past year that Max has been out of the house either. I suppose I’ve been grieving in a way, and adjusting to the newness of this phase in my life. In some ways, I also feel there has been some crisis management as a result of all this change, because that is how I roll. Change occurs, I manage, I recover, I come back to life and it’s amazing how long it can take me to adjust to change. It’s also amazing how when the time is right, it all comes bubbling up to the surface and cries out “Ok, you are doing ok and safe, now let’s deal with BLAH and BLAH and don’t forget BLAH!”
I am sensing a possible mid-life crisis approaching. Kristen keeps telling me to wait till at least 40 to start going all whack-job on her. I keep telling her that if I could ensure that I’d live until the beautiful age of 80 then I’d be happy to but there are no guarantees so I don’t really intend on putting it off if it wants to rear its annoyingly inconvenient head before then. I’ve put off enough things in my life to know that ignoring it won’t make it go away.
Life has a way of reminding you every so often in really really big ways that you don’t always get a second chance. In not so obvious ways on the daily, I can’t help but feel that it screams to me to have fun where I can and live and experiment and try everything at least once and rebel rebel rebel. But I have chosen not to act on a lot of those impulse because I’ve been trying to behave in at least partly a responsible way in terms of mothering the man boy and here I am now, feeling kind of conditioned to live life a certain way and frankly, feeling a little resentful. I sometimes feel like I am only now fully realizing the full gravity of what it means to be a mother at such a young age because now that I can see it from the other side, I’m saying “whoa! No shit Sherlock, this has been hard and I’m freaking tired and worn out at 34!”
I realize there are no rules. I can change my direction at any time I so chose it. Sadly, experience has taught me to fear change and unknown. Besides, what would people THINK *GASP*
Of course, this also forces the issues of various relationships in my life. D, of course, being one of them. I often wonder if it’s fair to to be involved with me at the moment because I rebel against the idea of being responsible to anyone else right now pretty hard core OR, I just try to control everything which is TONS o fun for all of us. Sometimes, I feel so selfish for just doing the things I want to do and I resent that a little. I am not totally sure I want to have to think about someone else’s feelings and needs all the time. I’m not totally sure I want to have to answer to anyone else or worry about whether or not my actions or behavior are going to affect them. I’m freaking worn out man, I’ve been giving all of myself to everyone else for a long, long time without giving myself a whole lot of time to take care of myself. I’m drained of the undying affection and devotion I’ve lavished upon lovers, family and friends.
Then other times, he feels like a solid, grounding source. He’s sane. He is very balancing to my wild child. Sometimes too sane. Sometimes I wish he’d cry about something or laugh hysterically over nothing. He’s always so…so…mellow.,
This is all big stuff that has to be worked out I know. Because the reality is, whether I want it or not, here it is and it was partly my doing. The situation with D is a real one. I do love him, in that way that feels like a good, solid, safe choice. “Is that ok, is that enough?” my brain asks. My heart loves the love and feeling safe with him and being able to trust him and a good portion of the time feeling like we are a good match, lord knows I haven’t had a whole lot of that with men in my life. But every now and then, the wild child in me longs for constant excitement! Passion! Some days, we already feel like a married couple of 20 years and I’m not there yet. Do I want that eventually? Of course, I do. Maybe even with D. But right now, I don’t know if I’m ready to be an established married couple after a year + of dating. And no, I don’t equate marriage with monontony, but I wouldn’t mind a little bit more woo-ing and fun times together that don’t involve routine already.
This is why I wonder if it’s really fair for him. I doubt that highly. He’s already lived a life full of playing, living for himself and doing as he pleases, when he pleases. He’s ready to settle a little, I think he sees me as a good source for that. I can see that, my wild child is tempered by the most annoyingly responsible and Type A adult you’ve ever met. But that doesn’t mean I want to be treated that way every day.
Course, I couldn’t imagine my life without him any more. He’s pretty rooted in there these days and the more I talk these things over with him, the more I am relieved to find that he seems pretty aware of where I’m at and seems to understand well and, even better, wants to see how he can help to give me both the space and freedom I need (and am sort of demanding right now) while still helping to grow our relationship. Which, I have to say, I appreciate that tremendously and gives me hope that there can in fact, be a healthy sense of self within a relationship without loosing sight of either.
Certainly there must be simple answers to life big questions? Perhaps I should consult a magic 8 ball or the cootie catchers of my youth?
Who knows? Until then, work beckons and life never stops being interesting.
PS: I am having pics done of Bella, Bailey & Myself. Yes, I am “THAT” person. Nice huh? Now, what to dress us in?
Last Thursday, on the way to work, I came to the stark realization that 35 is the age that both my mother became a grandmother and approximately the same age my mother made her parents a grandparents. I have reason to believe that Max will break this cycle, he’s far to engulfed in striking the path to independence and is, therefore, totally into having “his” time at the moment.
A brief mommy interlude here: I have some fears that the boy is directly avoiding young women since living with his dad and that now, his relationship skills are going to be twice as jacked up as a result. I didn’t exactly lay down a good foundation for what a quality intimate adult relationship looks like and I still don’t know what I’m doing, so he didn’t get much help from me there. Way to go ma! His father, on the other hand, is just as detrimental in that he has the attitude that “women are not worth the trouble” so of course this mom is a bit on the concerned side about Max’s perception of women and what that looks like in his potential relationships. I don’t doubt that the boy respects women, I know that he does. I mean, how could he not? He’s been surrounded by a solid crew of really responsible, independent kick-ass women for 17 years. Kristen and I have been breaking the walls down about what moms (let alone single moms) are SUPPOSED to be doing since he or Bethany can remember. But, I do sense that he’s very conflicted (or not at all aware of the source, but it’s still writhing around in there just waiting to be discovered) and not showing any interest in girls as a result. He seems perfectly content to hang out with a bunch of dudes playing Xbox and riding BMX bikes all the time and sigh, drinking beer I’m thinking. This strikes me as slightly odd for 18, but I don’t know? Is it? I long ago pondered the possibility that he might be gay or just totally asexual and have no desires, which I assured him a number of times that this would be totally welcomed and accepted in my home if that were the case and he ought not fear such discussions with ole mom, to which he replied something like “Mom, please don’t talk to me about this right now..or ever.” Apparently, it’s still much to awkward an age to discuss sex with mom. Fair enough. However, based on some intercepted text messages and various articles moms aren’t supposed to discover, I am pretty sure he’s at least physically attracted to girls, but who knows. His hormones are still aligning themselves and I am convinced that guys don’t fully mature until after 40 anyway, so he’s got a ways to go and nothing would surprise me along the way.
now…back to the program…….
I do believe that Max is going to have the skills to avoid an unintentional pregnancy and can see the value in doing so from the 50 foot view, hopefully for at least 10 – 15 years. So, I’m not totally panicking about this as the predetermined destiny him before he grows out of the years starting with 1 OR for my 35 year old self, but the thought did spark some red hot feelings and emotions I’m not quite sure how to manage. Clearly, it is ones of mortality and sense of self. I keep thinking to myself “I am not sure I really know who the heck I am or how I feel about things and it’s a well documented fact that I’ve got all kinds of unresolved stuff that’s had to take a back seat to being a mother and other demanding relationships, so now what?’
I certainly haven’t been doing much in the way of soul searching in the past year that Max has been out of the house either. I suppose I’ve been grieving in a way, and adjusting to the newness of this phase in my life. In some ways, I also feel there has been some crisis management as a result of all this change, because that is how I roll. Change occurs, I manage, I recover, I come back to life and it’s amazing how long it can take me to adjust to change. It’s also amazing how when the time is right, it all comes bubbling up to the surface and cries out “Ok, you are doing ok and safe, now let’s deal with BLAH and BLAH and don’t forget BLAH!”
I am sensing a possible mid-life crisis approaching. Kristen keeps telling me to wait till at least 40 to start going all whack-job on her. I keep telling her that if I could ensure that I’d live until the beautiful age of 80 then I’d be happy to but there are no guarantees so I don’t really intend on putting it off if it wants to rear its annoyingly inconvenient head before then. I’ve put off enough things in my life to know that ignoring it won’t make it go away.
Life has a way of reminding you every so often in really really big ways that you don’t always get a second chance. In not so obvious ways on the daily, I can’t help but feel that it screams to me to have fun where I can and live and experiment and try everything at least once and rebel rebel rebel. But I have chosen not to act on a lot of those impulse because I’ve been trying to behave in at least partly a responsible way in terms of mothering the man boy and here I am now, feeling kind of conditioned to live life a certain way and frankly, feeling a little resentful. I sometimes feel like I am only now fully realizing the full gravity of what it means to be a mother at such a young age because now that I can see it from the other side, I’m saying “whoa! No shit Sherlock, this has been hard and I’m freaking tired and worn out at 34!”
I realize there are no rules. I can change my direction at any time I so chose it. Sadly, experience has taught me to fear change and unknown. Besides, what would people THINK *GASP*
Of course, this also forces the issues of various relationships in my life. D, of course, being one of them. I often wonder if it’s fair to to be involved with me at the moment because I rebel against the idea of being responsible to anyone else right now pretty hard core OR, I just try to control everything which is TONS o fun for all of us. Sometimes, I feel so selfish for just doing the things I want to do and I resent that a little. I am not totally sure I want to have to think about someone else’s feelings and needs all the time. I’m not totally sure I want to have to answer to anyone else or worry about whether or not my actions or behavior are going to affect them. I’m freaking worn out man, I’ve been giving all of myself to everyone else for a long, long time without giving myself a whole lot of time to take care of myself. I’m drained of the undying affection and devotion I’ve lavished upon lovers, family and friends.
Then other times, he feels like a solid, grounding source. He’s sane. He is very balancing to my wild child. Sometimes too sane. Sometimes I wish he’d cry about something or laugh hysterically over nothing. He’s always so…so…mellow.,
This is all big stuff that has to be worked out I know. Because the reality is, whether I want it or not, here it is and it was partly my doing. The situation with D is a real one. I do love him, in that way that feels like a good, solid, safe choice. “Is that ok, is that enough?” my brain asks. My heart loves the love and feeling safe with him and being able to trust him and a good portion of the time feeling like we are a good match, lord knows I haven’t had a whole lot of that with men in my life. But every now and then, the wild child in me longs for constant excitement! Passion! Some days, we already feel like a married couple of 20 years and I’m not there yet. Do I want that eventually? Of course, I do. Maybe even with D. But right now, I don’t know if I’m ready to be an established married couple after a year + of dating. And no, I don’t equate marriage with monontony, but I wouldn’t mind a little bit more woo-ing and fun times together that don’t involve routine already.
This is why I wonder if it’s really fair for him. I doubt that highly. He’s already lived a life full of playing, living for himself and doing as he pleases, when he pleases. He’s ready to settle a little, I think he sees me as a good source for that. I can see that, my wild child is tempered by the most annoyingly responsible and Type A adult you’ve ever met. But that doesn’t mean I want to be treated that way every day.
Course, I couldn’t imagine my life without him any more. He’s pretty rooted in there these days and the more I talk these things over with him, the more I am relieved to find that he seems pretty aware of where I’m at and seems to understand well and, even better, wants to see how he can help to give me both the space and freedom I need (and am sort of demanding right now) while still helping to grow our relationship. Which, I have to say, I appreciate that tremendously and gives me hope that there can in fact, be a healthy sense of self within a relationship without loosing sight of either.
Certainly there must be simple answers to life big questions? Perhaps I should consult a magic 8 ball or the cootie catchers of my youth?
Who knows? Until then, work beckons and life never stops being interesting.
PS: I am having pics done of Bella, Bailey & Myself. Yes, I am “THAT” person. Nice huh? Now, what to dress us in?
Wednesday, November 03, 2010
Well, I’ve managed to make it through three whole days of work. All of which have been exhausting and much more demanding then expected! I finally realized last night - after my second night in a row where I came home and literally passed out for an hour on the bed with the dogs sniffing and barking at my feet – that I’m going to have to take it real easy for a while. It’s only been 3 weeks and the doc told me I’m going to feel kinda tired, run down and with all the strange soreness/dryness that I’m definitely experiencing until about 6 weeks post op. Really? Damn. Let’s pray this is the last of these types of things for a while, shall we?
The good news, is that my employers have gone to great lengths to give me this week to ease back into the day to day demands of my job, which after performing my self-appraisal yesterday, I realized I do a helluva lot around here and I was told that my absence was noticed. Which made me feel pretty good. I’m curious about how my annual review will go with R, it’s been a tense relationship off and on as you all know and it’s gotten better in some ways and not so much in others, but we are all hanging in there and I think we are making progress. In any event, I am looking for a raise of some substance this year and a title and job description revision. I will be curious if my employers believe that I am worthy of such things, I have a feeling they will meet me somewhere in the middle of “You Rawk” and “Good Job”. Cross your fingers!
Max and I have been in touch quite a lot since he moved into his apartment. He called me Monday when he received his package and we talked for solid hour about real stuff and he’s been texting me regularly since. I also wrote him a letter saying something along the following, in a half joking way:
1) Don’t drink and drive.
2) Stay away from the hard stuff.
3) Always use a condom.
4) Try to wait till you are least 25 to make me a grandma, preferably 30 would be a more suitable age in my very humble opinion.
6) Don’t forget that I’m always in your corner, I might not be able to “fix” whatever is going on, but I’m always here if you need me and love and respect you no matter what life throws at us.
7) Remember who that awesome guy is that I always knew you’d grow up to be!
He promised he’d adhere to 1 – 3, couldn’t guarantee the rest. Darn, I was hoping for a sealed and certified contract.
He went on to inform me of how hard work is and what a jerk his boss is for not giving him time off to let the gas guy in so he could turn it on so they were without gas for a few days, thus no hot water, heat or warm food! Oh the perils of responsibility! Apparently, the package of warm things arrived just in time then I told him. “Ha Mom, that’s hysterical!” We both got a good giggle out of that.
He’s supposed to come for Thanksgiving, I sure hope so. I miss that boy. His hugs are the best, how ever brief they may be, they are the most coveted. Because they are brief, perhaps? Hmmm, this seems very chicken or the egg-ish?
In other news, the “dry run” with Dave has gone over well on some days and kind of annoying on others. We are now faced with the reality of actually moving in February, so of course the whole thing is becoming more real. As much as I despise moving, I am going to regardless of whether he and I co-habitate or not. My current home is really run down and while it has many charming aspects to it, it really needs a lot of work and my renters aren’t willing to do the work I would want to stay in the place for another year. Namely, the back yard needs to be landscaped and they need to seriously invest in a proper fumigation b/c the ear wig situation is rather unpleasant and I’m not going to go through all that again next July – October (this year it’s November the little stragglers are still here and there.)
So, it does pose the question of whether we should move in together for reals and of course, I will cover thine own ass as we’ve learned that lesson a few times now, so it’s engrained in there pretty good by now, one would hope anyway.
Doh, time to head home to the puggies.
More soon
Love you all
The good news, is that my employers have gone to great lengths to give me this week to ease back into the day to day demands of my job, which after performing my self-appraisal yesterday, I realized I do a helluva lot around here and I was told that my absence was noticed. Which made me feel pretty good. I’m curious about how my annual review will go with R, it’s been a tense relationship off and on as you all know and it’s gotten better in some ways and not so much in others, but we are all hanging in there and I think we are making progress. In any event, I am looking for a raise of some substance this year and a title and job description revision. I will be curious if my employers believe that I am worthy of such things, I have a feeling they will meet me somewhere in the middle of “You Rawk” and “Good Job”. Cross your fingers!
Max and I have been in touch quite a lot since he moved into his apartment. He called me Monday when he received his package and we talked for solid hour about real stuff and he’s been texting me regularly since. I also wrote him a letter saying something along the following, in a half joking way:
1) Don’t drink and drive.
2) Stay away from the hard stuff.
3) Always use a condom.
4) Try to wait till you are least 25 to make me a grandma, preferably 30 would be a more suitable age in my very humble opinion.
6) Don’t forget that I’m always in your corner, I might not be able to “fix” whatever is going on, but I’m always here if you need me and love and respect you no matter what life throws at us.
7) Remember who that awesome guy is that I always knew you’d grow up to be!
He promised he’d adhere to 1 – 3, couldn’t guarantee the rest. Darn, I was hoping for a sealed and certified contract.
He went on to inform me of how hard work is and what a jerk his boss is for not giving him time off to let the gas guy in so he could turn it on so they were without gas for a few days, thus no hot water, heat or warm food! Oh the perils of responsibility! Apparently, the package of warm things arrived just in time then I told him. “Ha Mom, that’s hysterical!” We both got a good giggle out of that.
He’s supposed to come for Thanksgiving, I sure hope so. I miss that boy. His hugs are the best, how ever brief they may be, they are the most coveted. Because they are brief, perhaps? Hmmm, this seems very chicken or the egg-ish?
In other news, the “dry run” with Dave has gone over well on some days and kind of annoying on others. We are now faced with the reality of actually moving in February, so of course the whole thing is becoming more real. As much as I despise moving, I am going to regardless of whether he and I co-habitate or not. My current home is really run down and while it has many charming aspects to it, it really needs a lot of work and my renters aren’t willing to do the work I would want to stay in the place for another year. Namely, the back yard needs to be landscaped and they need to seriously invest in a proper fumigation b/c the ear wig situation is rather unpleasant and I’m not going to go through all that again next July – October (this year it’s November the little stragglers are still here and there.)
So, it does pose the question of whether we should move in together for reals and of course, I will cover thine own ass as we’ve learned that lesson a few times now, so it’s engrained in there pretty good by now, one would hope anyway.
Doh, time to head home to the puggies.
More soon
Love you all
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