Mary has received some very good news from the cancer center and I can’t go into to much detail, but the bottom line is that her chances are very very high, considering the type of cancer she has. She will get to be an “old” woman after all This was probably the best news I’ve heard in a while. Let’s all vibe out the good ju ju in her direction because it never hurts to have people rooting for you.
I should have my car back tomorrow. I am not going to discuss the cost involved with this repair. I’m not even going to put energy into that facet of it. I AM going to put energy into the various people in my life without whom I would probably struggle more than is nessisary and spend double what this bill is estimated to be. I appreciate them more than they ever seem to know.
Paula is going to be here in a few days. I feel like there is a little springy firecracker in my belly, just waiting to go off. I can’t wait.
I miss my girlfriends. I feel like I’ve been so consumed with my mom and Max being gone and what not that I really have no time (or money, like every any more which I can’t figure out why) to see my friends.
Max is not coming for Thanksgiving. I suspected as much and again, I am choosing not to put much energy into the negative thoughts I feel washing over me regarding this subject. It IS disappointing, but I have to accept that life is changing and my delusions of control are crumbling. I have to be patient, work through it and realize that Princess Sarah does not always get what she wants, in spite of all her wishing and hoping. It’s just life and all in all, I really should not be wasting a second complaining.
Sean is suing me for child support and so far, seems he will win. Let’s briefly consider that I make probably double of what Sean does and therefore he will receive considerabley more than I EVER did from him, not to mention the fact that I raised Max on my own with help from no one for 14 years, but apparently that does not matter to the courts. I could be a bitch and tie this up in litigation for a while, but I can’t see me doing that. I’m just not built that way. I’m considering the karmic implications of this and have yet to fully understand what it could be other than to simply accept it and move on, knowing that I’m doing the “right” thing in the eyes of the law, which is suspect to me to begin with, but hey…whatever.
My cousin Krista had her baby on Saturday. Her name is Sophie and she’s the cutest little darling ever. Sophie is the first girl since Max to be born in that generation. Including Max, there were 7 boys before her. The generation before them was all girls. Just like on my dad’s side of the family. Genetics is fascinating stuff, isn’t it? DNA quandaries aside, this baby girl is a precious little monkey, just like her mommy was at that age. Babies are SO cool.
Matty is on the mend. I am grateful for that and I am eager to see what path his adventure sends him down next. It’s always an interesting one, that’s for sure.
My mom is fairing well. Everything in life with her is on hold and last minute in nature. Obviously this affects me directly to some degree and I’m doing my best to manage it, so far, so good. It is taking up a great deal of my time and emotional/physical energy, no question there…but all in all, I am quite impressed with us as a whole.
I am so looking forward to a weekend of good food, my nearest and dearest (who I am lucky enough to share it with anyway) and a little R&R. 4 day weekends are always something to look forward to.
That is all…oh wait, did I mention that my dog is the sweetest, most adorable little puppy that ever was? She is and I am thankful for her EVERY single day. I also got some fantastic pictures of Gaia chilling around my Harvest decorations, which are quite stunning in contrast because of her blue/black shades and the colors/shapes of the gourds. She is a stunning animal, truly.
Love to you all!
Monday, November 23, 2009
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Rough week. Problems with Baby Jetta again. Not sure how much it’s going to cost to have it repaired or when that will happen. I love my car, it’s one of my favorite material things I’ve ever owned. The cost of ownership is excessive at times it seems, but such is life I suppose. It’s just the timing is always shit, of course. But when is a good time to drop a few hundred bucks? One could easily argue it wouldn’t be right before the holidays. Nice.
Thank goodness Dave can let me use his Jeep for a few days. He also came over last night and fixed up of little stuff around the house I’ve been whining about and made me dinner. I’m not quite sure why he’s so nice to me all the time, but I’m not going to complain. He’s a keeper I’m thinking.
Back to the grind, worked from home yesterday which = getting about half done of what I normally do due to the VPN that gives me hell at the most inconvenient hour. I’m so glad it’s almost Friday. Blah.
Thank goodness Dave can let me use his Jeep for a few days. He also came over last night and fixed up of little stuff around the house I’ve been whining about and made me dinner. I’m not quite sure why he’s so nice to me all the time, but I’m not going to complain. He’s a keeper I’m thinking.
Back to the grind, worked from home yesterday which = getting about half done of what I normally do due to the VPN that gives me hell at the most inconvenient hour. I’m so glad it’s almost Friday. Blah.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
It's OK for me to not be a bubble puss!
Ok, I get it. Others are used to me being this kind if happy, breezy person and by nature, this IS where my personality sits most of the time. But even I have days where I just don’t feel like interacting and want to be left alone and I don’t think this is cause for alarm. This doesn’t nessisarily make me moody or depressed, sometimes I just need to decompress and need the space to do so. I don’t see what the big deal is? I too, am allowed to have days where I’m not the picture of a shiny disposition and that’s OK, it’s not about YOU or anything YOU did. In fact, when you turn it around on you, it exhausts me even more because then I feel the need to soothe and make it “ok” for you.
This is not to say that I am not a moody person because the reality is that I am and it can change in the space of a day several different times, but for the most part, I work hard to ensure my moodiness does not directly affect others and if does, I’d simply like to ask “If my mood is bothering YOU, think of how it effects me? YOU try living with range of emotions and energies I experience in any time period and see if you feel like Miss Bubble Puss every second of every day?” We ALL have days where we are quieter or more withdrawn than others, what I can’t understand is why it’s not ok for me and why people start firing 20 questions at me if I’m not walking around with a giant grin on my face and giggling all the time. I LOVE that there are those people in my life who appreciate me for me, but that has to include all of me and all of me isn’t always a freaking ray of sunshine and that’s ok dammit.
I’m sure some of this is acclimating to living with another adult again, specifically the one adult I’ve always “taken care of” more than any other. It’s astonishing how quickly I can go from being really frustrated to being the caretaker with little or no room in the middle of that to even feel how I’m feeling, which later turns into resentment. I know it’s not intentional, some people just are who they are, but I am VERY sensitive to this one particular person and her needs and regardless of what I know, old habits die hard. Boundaries can be a real bitch sometimes.
That said, I am absolutely exhausted at the moment and I need a few moments to myself to manage that exhaustion. Not at work, not in my car….in my home, my sanctuary…to breathe and be alone with my breath. Me and my breath. I need that for a few minutes each day without being hassled about “what’s wrong” or feeling like I have to “fix” something. There’s nothing to fix, I’m fine….but I need space to be fine or else I will loose it and no one wants that. And if others aren’t fine in my life that’s 100% ok with me, let me know how I can help and love you and support you, but please understand that sometimes this isn’t all about you. I have a lot of people in my life that I care for and all of them have life challenges they are facing in some manner or another at the moment and sometimes I need time to process not only my own head space, but how I can be of support to them and you and myself and everyone involved.
Sigh.
Vent over. That is all.
This is not to say that I am not a moody person because the reality is that I am and it can change in the space of a day several different times, but for the most part, I work hard to ensure my moodiness does not directly affect others and if does, I’d simply like to ask “If my mood is bothering YOU, think of how it effects me? YOU try living with range of emotions and energies I experience in any time period and see if you feel like Miss Bubble Puss every second of every day?” We ALL have days where we are quieter or more withdrawn than others, what I can’t understand is why it’s not ok for me and why people start firing 20 questions at me if I’m not walking around with a giant grin on my face and giggling all the time. I LOVE that there are those people in my life who appreciate me for me, but that has to include all of me and all of me isn’t always a freaking ray of sunshine and that’s ok dammit.
I’m sure some of this is acclimating to living with another adult again, specifically the one adult I’ve always “taken care of” more than any other. It’s astonishing how quickly I can go from being really frustrated to being the caretaker with little or no room in the middle of that to even feel how I’m feeling, which later turns into resentment. I know it’s not intentional, some people just are who they are, but I am VERY sensitive to this one particular person and her needs and regardless of what I know, old habits die hard. Boundaries can be a real bitch sometimes.
That said, I am absolutely exhausted at the moment and I need a few moments to myself to manage that exhaustion. Not at work, not in my car….in my home, my sanctuary…to breathe and be alone with my breath. Me and my breath. I need that for a few minutes each day without being hassled about “what’s wrong” or feeling like I have to “fix” something. There’s nothing to fix, I’m fine….but I need space to be fine or else I will loose it and no one wants that. And if others aren’t fine in my life that’s 100% ok with me, let me know how I can help and love you and support you, but please understand that sometimes this isn’t all about you. I have a lot of people in my life that I care for and all of them have life challenges they are facing in some manner or another at the moment and sometimes I need time to process not only my own head space, but how I can be of support to them and you and myself and everyone involved.
Sigh.
Vent over. That is all.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Monday, November 09, 2009
"Ohana" means family and family means no one gets left behind....
We watched “Lilo & Stitch” this weekend because a) It makes me laugh hysterically. I’m talking the full on, can’t help myself laughter that sometimes annoys people because it’s so high pitched and b) I insisted my mother see it immediately.
A common theme throughout this movie is that family is intended to be a safe, secure haven in which you can retreat from the sometimes harsh nature of the world outside and all of its challenges. Your family might include an alien life form with a soft interior and crusty outer shell to your biological family members to the fur-babies we gladly bring into our homes to your best human friends who you can’t go longer then a day or two without checking in with via phone, text, chat or email. There is no one formula for the perfect family, but all of them are beautiful in their own ways, no matter how “dysfunctional” or “untraditional” they may be and every family has its share of disputes, black sheep (achem) and trials to face along the way as we all do our best to grow into the people we are to become in this lifetime.
This and a good, solid dose of humor and sillyness are the lessons I learned from this movie when I first took Max to see it in theatre all those years ago, plus I thought it might be of benefit to share it with those I thought might get a similar message. She didn’t laugh once, Dave and I rolled around in fits of laughter and buttery popcorn kernels and I realized in that moment that she’s just in too much pain right now and that’s ok. Sometimes laughing is harder and more painful then it’s worth. I understand that all too well, though I rarely give up the opportunity bust a gut over an animated film.
I then got the news that my nephew was born on Saturday morning and I feel so much emotion about all of it that I’m not really sure how to manage it all. Rose seems so young to me, but then I realize it’s been some time since I’ve seen her and she’s well into her 20’s now. She’s not that 19 year old kid who stayed at my house with her college girlfriends that weekend. She’s well on her way to being a grown up, she’s married and has a baby now. She has a family all her own and this sort of boggles the mind and gives me little stabs of sadness over not having had a closer relationship with her. Because now that she’s got a baby and I have a nephew, I feel this really strong sort of primal urge to be near her and see the little critter. It’s like some deep intuition in me from my long distant cave dwelling relatives tells me I need to run to her side and protect her and help her with that baby. I suddenly feel I MUST see the baby before he magically grows up and I never get a chance to know meet him or know him. Part of me wonders if it’s ok for me to feel this way. Rose and I have never been close. I think we’ve sort of gotten comfortable with the fact that we are very different and we will keep in touch a few times a year, but other then that it just is what it is and that’s been ok with me and I gather with her as well. To be truthful, I’ve never thought of her as my sister. We did not grow up together, we barely know each other now and as stated before, we are such vastly different people, I’m not sure how much we have in common. Of course I love her and care for her, I have since the first day I heard from her and have enjoyed getting to know what I do know about her. She’s a lovely young lady, but we just haven’t really ever gotten past the formalities of it all and I’ve been ok with that on all levels. But now that there’s this baby, I feel this really strong desire to be closer to her and him. What is that all about?
Then there is the fact that the baby’s middle name is named after our father. Surely, this must have been an intentional thing? They didn’t randomly pull the name “William” out of the air, right? Unless there’s someone on her husband’s side, which is possible but I can’t help but feel sort of amazed and awed that she chose this name for her first-borns middle name. What does this mean? She must know I noticed, that we all (Conlee’s) “noticed” and I feel like asking her about it might be to tender of a subject, but the thought of it is burning a hole in my head. Mostly, I just want to know if she did that in honor of our father or if it was for some other reason. Obviously, if that wasn’t her intention, asking her might make her feel insulted or guilty or something. If it was her intention, well then I guess I want to thank her and let her know how sweet I think it is that she did that to carry on our father’s namesake. It’s all kind of confusing for me, something I probably won’t get a lot of answers to, so I should probably just leave it alone.
So much lately swirling around in my mind about the concept of “family” and what it means. I spent so many years in my youth being out in the world and feeling like I had no grounding, no home base really. That it was me and Max against the world. In the last several years it’s been made abundantly clear to me that this isn’t true at all and now that a core piece of my family unit is not there any more and I have all this other family surrounding me who both suddenly need me and I those that I want very badly to be involved in their lives and support them, I don’t really know what to do or how to do it. My relationship skills are sub-par you see and I am not all that familiar with how to be available, but not suffocating and give space without disappearing. What a strange balance. Help.
A common theme throughout this movie is that family is intended to be a safe, secure haven in which you can retreat from the sometimes harsh nature of the world outside and all of its challenges. Your family might include an alien life form with a soft interior and crusty outer shell to your biological family members to the fur-babies we gladly bring into our homes to your best human friends who you can’t go longer then a day or two without checking in with via phone, text, chat or email. There is no one formula for the perfect family, but all of them are beautiful in their own ways, no matter how “dysfunctional” or “untraditional” they may be and every family has its share of disputes, black sheep (achem) and trials to face along the way as we all do our best to grow into the people we are to become in this lifetime.
This and a good, solid dose of humor and sillyness are the lessons I learned from this movie when I first took Max to see it in theatre all those years ago, plus I thought it might be of benefit to share it with those I thought might get a similar message. She didn’t laugh once, Dave and I rolled around in fits of laughter and buttery popcorn kernels and I realized in that moment that she’s just in too much pain right now and that’s ok. Sometimes laughing is harder and more painful then it’s worth. I understand that all too well, though I rarely give up the opportunity bust a gut over an animated film.
I then got the news that my nephew was born on Saturday morning and I feel so much emotion about all of it that I’m not really sure how to manage it all. Rose seems so young to me, but then I realize it’s been some time since I’ve seen her and she’s well into her 20’s now. She’s not that 19 year old kid who stayed at my house with her college girlfriends that weekend. She’s well on her way to being a grown up, she’s married and has a baby now. She has a family all her own and this sort of boggles the mind and gives me little stabs of sadness over not having had a closer relationship with her. Because now that she’s got a baby and I have a nephew, I feel this really strong sort of primal urge to be near her and see the little critter. It’s like some deep intuition in me from my long distant cave dwelling relatives tells me I need to run to her side and protect her and help her with that baby. I suddenly feel I MUST see the baby before he magically grows up and I never get a chance to know meet him or know him. Part of me wonders if it’s ok for me to feel this way. Rose and I have never been close. I think we’ve sort of gotten comfortable with the fact that we are very different and we will keep in touch a few times a year, but other then that it just is what it is and that’s been ok with me and I gather with her as well. To be truthful, I’ve never thought of her as my sister. We did not grow up together, we barely know each other now and as stated before, we are such vastly different people, I’m not sure how much we have in common. Of course I love her and care for her, I have since the first day I heard from her and have enjoyed getting to know what I do know about her. She’s a lovely young lady, but we just haven’t really ever gotten past the formalities of it all and I’ve been ok with that on all levels. But now that there’s this baby, I feel this really strong desire to be closer to her and him. What is that all about?
Then there is the fact that the baby’s middle name is named after our father. Surely, this must have been an intentional thing? They didn’t randomly pull the name “William” out of the air, right? Unless there’s someone on her husband’s side, which is possible but I can’t help but feel sort of amazed and awed that she chose this name for her first-borns middle name. What does this mean? She must know I noticed, that we all (Conlee’s) “noticed” and I feel like asking her about it might be to tender of a subject, but the thought of it is burning a hole in my head. Mostly, I just want to know if she did that in honor of our father or if it was for some other reason. Obviously, if that wasn’t her intention, asking her might make her feel insulted or guilty or something. If it was her intention, well then I guess I want to thank her and let her know how sweet I think it is that she did that to carry on our father’s namesake. It’s all kind of confusing for me, something I probably won’t get a lot of answers to, so I should probably just leave it alone.
So much lately swirling around in my mind about the concept of “family” and what it means. I spent so many years in my youth being out in the world and feeling like I had no grounding, no home base really. That it was me and Max against the world. In the last several years it’s been made abundantly clear to me that this isn’t true at all and now that a core piece of my family unit is not there any more and I have all this other family surrounding me who both suddenly need me and I those that I want very badly to be involved in their lives and support them, I don’t really know what to do or how to do it. My relationship skills are sub-par you see and I am not all that familiar with how to be available, but not suffocating and give space without disappearing. What a strange balance. Help.
Bunch of questions
http://thingstobehappyabout.com
• Are you capable of telling a good joke at a moment's notice?
Not in the formal sense….like “Guy walks into a bar and blah blah…” but I think I am to sarcastic and goofy to actually let something obviously funny slip by with out jumpin on it.
• If you could have a different point of view, how would you like to see the world?
I would like to see the world from the eyes of companion animals. I often wonder what our cats, dogs, etc are thinking about.
• How do we acquire reliable knowledge of the world?
Experience.
• How many hours per week do you volunteer your time?
That depends on your perspective, I volunteer myself to the world as much as possible. To friends, family, the lady with 3 kids who forgets her wallet at the check out counter. I try to volunteer something positive every day, even if it’s just in thought.
• Who was the one person who inspired you to become who you are today?
I refuse to answer this question, the list is to long and complex to wrap up into a single response.
• What is the city but the people? (Shakespeare)
Duh, he was saying that a quality city (community) cannot exist without effort and support from its people.
• Can nurses do doctors' work?
I’d dare say that many nurses probably know the medical field better then the doctors they work with.
• Ever see a XXX movie?
*blush*
• What is the best classic Christmas movie?
Hands Down: A Christmas Story, 1983.
• When you arrive late, are you honest or do you make up an excuse?
It’s kind of rare that I have to be somewhere by a certain time. In every day life, I’m sort of on my own schedule, but if I have a doctors appointment or am supposed to be meeting someone at a certain time, I almost always on time. I have made excuses to my boss before tho for coming in later then is normal for me which would sort of be a lie I suppose. Like this morning, I just could not get out of bed, it was so warm and cozy and Bailey was snuggling me….purrrrrr.
• Recite a favorite nursery rhyme.
The itsy bitsy spider went up the water spout
Down came the rain and washed the spider out
Out came the sun and dried up all the rain
And the itsy bitsy spider went up the spout again
*Note: It is imperative that you do this with the appropriate hand motions.
• Do you sleep with one or two pillows?
I sleep with 3.
• Do you pick your nose?
Everyone picks there nose, come on!
• What is a good person?
Hmmm, I’m not convinced that I believe in “good” or “evil.” People are just people, trying to get through their lives and grow and learn. I make jokes all the time about “bad poo poo’s” and “good poo poo’s” but it’s mostly in fun. I’ve done some things in my life some people might consider “bad” but I don’t think those things make me a bad person. I’ve seen people do some pretty wretched things to others, to me and I don’t think they are good or bad, just messed up. Stumbling around like the rest of us, trying to find their way. AND, I DO believe strongly in the concept of karma, so the Universe doles out it’s due diligence as it sees fit and all we can do is try to be the best people we can be with the tools we are given. Of course, some of us are just tools to begin with and are going to go around spreading their toolery to the world, but even those poor souls must figure it out in time that they can’t act like that? If they don’t’, they come back as slugs or ameba’s and have to start all over again. Man, I hope I don’t come back as a slug…I at least I hope I come back as something slightly more advanced and social like a dolphin.
• Are you capable of telling a good joke at a moment's notice?
Not in the formal sense….like “Guy walks into a bar and blah blah…” but I think I am to sarcastic and goofy to actually let something obviously funny slip by with out jumpin on it.
• If you could have a different point of view, how would you like to see the world?
I would like to see the world from the eyes of companion animals. I often wonder what our cats, dogs, etc are thinking about.
• How do we acquire reliable knowledge of the world?
Experience.
• How many hours per week do you volunteer your time?
That depends on your perspective, I volunteer myself to the world as much as possible. To friends, family, the lady with 3 kids who forgets her wallet at the check out counter. I try to volunteer something positive every day, even if it’s just in thought.
• Who was the one person who inspired you to become who you are today?
I refuse to answer this question, the list is to long and complex to wrap up into a single response.
• What is the city but the people? (Shakespeare)
Duh, he was saying that a quality city (community) cannot exist without effort and support from its people.
• Can nurses do doctors' work?
I’d dare say that many nurses probably know the medical field better then the doctors they work with.
• Ever see a XXX movie?
*blush*
• What is the best classic Christmas movie?
Hands Down: A Christmas Story, 1983.
• When you arrive late, are you honest or do you make up an excuse?
It’s kind of rare that I have to be somewhere by a certain time. In every day life, I’m sort of on my own schedule, but if I have a doctors appointment or am supposed to be meeting someone at a certain time, I almost always on time. I have made excuses to my boss before tho for coming in later then is normal for me which would sort of be a lie I suppose. Like this morning, I just could not get out of bed, it was so warm and cozy and Bailey was snuggling me….purrrrrr.
• Recite a favorite nursery rhyme.
The itsy bitsy spider went up the water spout
Down came the rain and washed the spider out
Out came the sun and dried up all the rain
And the itsy bitsy spider went up the spout again
*Note: It is imperative that you do this with the appropriate hand motions.
• Do you sleep with one or two pillows?
I sleep with 3.
• Do you pick your nose?
Everyone picks there nose, come on!
• What is a good person?
Hmmm, I’m not convinced that I believe in “good” or “evil.” People are just people, trying to get through their lives and grow and learn. I make jokes all the time about “bad poo poo’s” and “good poo poo’s” but it’s mostly in fun. I’ve done some things in my life some people might consider “bad” but I don’t think those things make me a bad person. I’ve seen people do some pretty wretched things to others, to me and I don’t think they are good or bad, just messed up. Stumbling around like the rest of us, trying to find their way. AND, I DO believe strongly in the concept of karma, so the Universe doles out it’s due diligence as it sees fit and all we can do is try to be the best people we can be with the tools we are given. Of course, some of us are just tools to begin with and are going to go around spreading their toolery to the world, but even those poor souls must figure it out in time that they can’t act like that? If they don’t’, they come back as slugs or ameba’s and have to start all over again. Man, I hope I don’t come back as a slug…I at least I hope I come back as something slightly more advanced and social like a dolphin.
Friday, November 06, 2009
Thursday, November 05, 2009
Settling Dust
Now that the dust is settling a little and I am able to think a bit more clearly I am seeing many positive and rewarding opportunities as these next few months play out. As follows:
1. There are times in life when you must simply step up and do what is right, even when it is scary or uncomfortable. ESPECIALLY when it is scary or uncomfortable because that means it has become an opportunity for growth and personal development. This is one of those times and instead of resisting, I find myself more able to cope and manage it rather than feeling as if I want to crawl into a hole and avoid it.
2. When I serve as a support system for another woman, I find myself feeling more empowered and stronger as well. It’s an odd sort of energy. I sometimes forget how independent I am now. I too, once let someone rob me of that independence and make me feel less than the woman that I am. It’s painful to see it happening to someone else from the outside. None of us deserve to be treated any less than humanely and I won’t reject her if she needs my support to start a life that brings her happiness, whatever that means.
3. We all need a little help from our friends sometimes. If I counted the amount of times that the women in my life loved, nurtured and bailed me out of heartbreak I’d be counting for an eternity.
4. It is ok for me to feel selfish about loosing some of the privacy I’d recently gained. It is ok for me to feel concern about maintaining a sense of boundary and self. It is ok for me to express this and I have and it has been heard and that is all one can hope for. Certainly, this isn’t an ideal situation and there is bound to be conflict, but I know we’ll get through it.
5. I am nothing if not loyal and she is my mother. She gave birth to me, she tried to love me the best she could, she took care of me last year when my leg was broken and she has been trying to take care of me for a long time and I’ve pushed her away because I’ve been rebelling against her for so long that I haven’t known how to let her in. In spite of our faults, we love each other and have been through hell and back together. What’s a few more months of working through the mud?
6. Changes take time. They are swift to come into action and happen when you aren’t even looking, but rebuilding after major life changes take the most amount of time of anything I know. She’ll need time. She’ll need time to mend herself and decide what she wants for her life, whether that means going back up the mountain or staying in Denver or something else all together, I don’t know. Regardless, she’ll need time and I have to be patient as she figures out her own life while going on living my own.
7. She really has no other choice and I’m not going to do anything to shame her further or hold it over her head. It’s hard enough to ask for help, let alone ask for help in the situation she’s in. I know how it feels to be humbled to such a degree and its pretty tough stuff.
8. I intend to make the best of this situation and enjoy it. I’d be stupid of me not to, you just never know how long you have with the people you love.
1. There are times in life when you must simply step up and do what is right, even when it is scary or uncomfortable. ESPECIALLY when it is scary or uncomfortable because that means it has become an opportunity for growth and personal development. This is one of those times and instead of resisting, I find myself more able to cope and manage it rather than feeling as if I want to crawl into a hole and avoid it.
2. When I serve as a support system for another woman, I find myself feeling more empowered and stronger as well. It’s an odd sort of energy. I sometimes forget how independent I am now. I too, once let someone rob me of that independence and make me feel less than the woman that I am. It’s painful to see it happening to someone else from the outside. None of us deserve to be treated any less than humanely and I won’t reject her if she needs my support to start a life that brings her happiness, whatever that means.
3. We all need a little help from our friends sometimes. If I counted the amount of times that the women in my life loved, nurtured and bailed me out of heartbreak I’d be counting for an eternity.
4. It is ok for me to feel selfish about loosing some of the privacy I’d recently gained. It is ok for me to feel concern about maintaining a sense of boundary and self. It is ok for me to express this and I have and it has been heard and that is all one can hope for. Certainly, this isn’t an ideal situation and there is bound to be conflict, but I know we’ll get through it.
5. I am nothing if not loyal and she is my mother. She gave birth to me, she tried to love me the best she could, she took care of me last year when my leg was broken and she has been trying to take care of me for a long time and I’ve pushed her away because I’ve been rebelling against her for so long that I haven’t known how to let her in. In spite of our faults, we love each other and have been through hell and back together. What’s a few more months of working through the mud?
6. Changes take time. They are swift to come into action and happen when you aren’t even looking, but rebuilding after major life changes take the most amount of time of anything I know. She’ll need time. She’ll need time to mend herself and decide what she wants for her life, whether that means going back up the mountain or staying in Denver or something else all together, I don’t know. Regardless, she’ll need time and I have to be patient as she figures out her own life while going on living my own.
7. She really has no other choice and I’m not going to do anything to shame her further or hold it over her head. It’s hard enough to ask for help, let alone ask for help in the situation she’s in. I know how it feels to be humbled to such a degree and its pretty tough stuff.
8. I intend to make the best of this situation and enjoy it. I’d be stupid of me not to, you just never know how long you have with the people you love.
Tuesday, November 03, 2009
much to report, limited time.....
The party was great, until my crazy family took it to another level and the bumble bee turned into a killer bee and had to kick some ass. I’m so over it. That said, shout out to Mandy and Matt Fox for showing up with my new best friends Eric and Nick (smooch), Tammy & Thomas, Kristen & Bethany, Justin & Colleen & cutie little Evan and Paula for assisting with a bomb enchilada recipe that left not a crumb of leftovers for the next day. And a mighty mighty thanks to Dave for cleaning up the next day, I am rather impressed and pleased. He may have contributed somewhat to the assery of the night before, but at least the guy knows when to apologize and how to make it up to a girl.
An unfortunate result of this weekend is that it turns out my mom will be staying with me for a while. I have mixed feelings. On the one hand, I know I have to help her. She is my mother after all, she did come to California to rescue me from the grips of evil and I mean, come on….the woman gave life to me. On the other hand, I’m very nervous about the length of time she may be sharing a home with me and the potential impacts on our relationship and my sanity. Seems I’m being sent yet another round of challenges to manage. I really have no more comment on the subject then that at the moment as I suspect things will change…she is a whirlwind unto herself and the season will inevidabley change between today and tomorrow.
Will post pics of the Bailey Bee and the Sarah Bee as time permits. I have a lot going on at home at the moment so my time outside of work is limited at the moment. BEE well my friends, love to you all.
S
An unfortunate result of this weekend is that it turns out my mom will be staying with me for a while. I have mixed feelings. On the one hand, I know I have to help her. She is my mother after all, she did come to California to rescue me from the grips of evil and I mean, come on….the woman gave life to me. On the other hand, I’m very nervous about the length of time she may be sharing a home with me and the potential impacts on our relationship and my sanity. Seems I’m being sent yet another round of challenges to manage. I really have no more comment on the subject then that at the moment as I suspect things will change…she is a whirlwind unto herself and the season will inevidabley change between today and tomorrow.
Will post pics of the Bailey Bee and the Sarah Bee as time permits. I have a lot going on at home at the moment so my time outside of work is limited at the moment. BEE well my friends, love to you all.
S
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