I know that a lot of my friends and family are frustrated or concerned by my lack of communication in recent weeks and I will do my best to respond to emails and phone calls personally, but I also know it's time for me to update externally as only a blog allows.
These past few weeks have elicited a variety of emotional experiences and mental provocation. I am not really sure where to begin in terms of processing much of this, but I suppose as is standard Sarah behavior, I'll just jump in and tackle it one thing at a time while multi-tasking the rest.
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Matt:
Many of you know Matt or have heard me reference him conversation, blog or otherwise. Matt is one of my closest friends and all though the relationship between us has had it's bumpy moments, it's always been a friendship based on laughter and a unique bond that I've not shared with many other people.
In recent months, Matt has been battling a number of serious health problems including major surgery which involved the removal of a kidney and the tumor surrounding it and his adrenal gland. In the past two weeks his condition worsened significantly, then improved slightly only to worsen again. In the name of privacy, I won't go into to much detail but I can tell you that these are the times in life that you must be prepared for a middle of the night phone call at any time indicating that you need to get down to the hospital immediately. There have been many tears shed, night sat up worrying and a number of other questions, frustrations and concerns that arise when you are helplessly watching someone you love fight for his life.
I will see him Thursday, and do my best not to cry in front of him and put on my happiest Tree Fruit face and then come home and sob. This experience with Matt has prompted some deep thought about who I am and wondering if I am truly living my life's purpose. Not just because witnessing struggle of this kind triggers this naturally within us on the human level, but also because this isn't even close to the first time I've walked this mile, nor I suspect will it be the last. It cannot be. People get sick, get in car accidents, can't take any more and self destruct. And I can't help but feel that this life is teaching me about that brutality and how to manage it without loosing myself in the process. In my own voice, I can hear the words of someone how knows how to manage crisis, pain, suffering. Sometimes I wonder if I am to be doing more with that ability, giving back more? I don't know...
All I do know is that right now, this isn't about me, it's about Matt and supporting his friends and family to the best of my ability, which isn't at all easy because there is a certain amount of tension and conflict that naturally arises during these times because people want to be angry and blame and find distractions. It all feels to big.
In the meantime, I have started a campaign of intentional positive thought and love in Matt's direction. I believe in the power of love and asking for guidance and assistance.
Max:
Kids have impeccable timing. Seriously. There must be this internal radar that when it's time, the alarm is sounded and it's time to start acting out. Perhaps it's the "I am uncomfortable but I am not sure why so I am going to do something to get your attention so I know you are still here for me." alarm.
Or maybe it's the "Your not paying me the attention I think I am entitled to and therefore you are a sucky mom, so I think I'll do so something get your attention so I know you are still here for me." alarm.
Or, it could be simply be the "My hormones are raging and I don't know how I feel about a lot of things but I definitely know when I am not getting what I want so I'll act like a jerk until I DO get what I want, but you'd better still be there for me even if I act like I hate you." alarm.
All I know is that it is like clock work that this kid instinctively knows when I am juggling one too many balls and he loves to throw a bowling pin in there just to make it that much more interesting. I am kidding, I highly doubt it's intentional, but I do notice that when I am managing big stuff Max tends to act out. I think it's mostly that he feels my attention diverted otherwise. Max may be a 16 year old man-child, but there is no doubt in my mind that he still believes the entire world revolves around him and I think Max is far more sensitive to the reality of life then most kids his age, but he still wants most, if not ALL of my attention. Sometimes I think it's very lucky for him that he never had a sibling, other times I think if he HAD had a sibling, he'd likely be less needy.
Regardless of the reason WHY the kid acts out, he does and he did a doosey this time. School suspension for fighting. WOOOPSIES! Apparently some kid came up and tried to smoosh a piece of carrot cake in Max's face and Max went bollistic and punched the kid in the nose, complete with blood/black eye and all. Grrrrreeeeaaaaaaaat. Understand that we live in Jefferson County Colorado. We all know that what happened at Columbine was truly horrific and there is no doubt in my mind about why the school district made the choices that they made. There was no choice and what this means is that there is a ZERO tolerance policy toward violence amongst students, any forms of violence or threats and that leaves things like punching a kid in the nose totally out of the question. No matter WHAT, it's not an option unless you want to face the consequences. Argue all you want about the policy (and trust me, I've heard more than my share of reactions to Max's suspension from friends) but it is what it is. It IS the policy in no uncertain terms. Max knows that. ALL kids in this school district know that, it's not a big secret trust me. So, while I've heard the argument that maybe the kid deserved it (over a piece of cake? hrrrmmm, that is suspect to me but I am not a 16 year old boy with an image to uphold and raging hormones) or that this is ridiculous, that kids fight and so on and so forth the fact is that Max made a choice that will ultimately affect him a good portion of this school year. He is on suspension from the soccer team. That's a negative. He will get behind in school work and have to work twice as hard from the very get go of the year to catch up. Which, is exactly what Max DOES NOT need, I assure you. And finally, he now has a reputation which subjects him to more of this nonsense.
Don't even get me started on Max's totally smug attitude about the whole thing either. Acting as if he was completely entitled to pop some kid in the face and practically break the poor kids nose over a piece of freaking carrot cake. When I responded by grounding him for one week for each day he was suspended, he acted as if I was over reacting totally and like he didn't even give a shit at all. Basically challenging me, daring me to go any further with it. As soon as I saw that look on his face, I knew exactly what it was and decided to stop talking and let his actions and choices work themselves out and I stated terms of his discipline clearly and that was the end of it from me. By day 3 of being grounded, he was whinning about when he was going to have privileges back and acting as if I'd really gone to far this time. I told him we'd revisit the situation this coming Thursday, one week into the whole ordeal. Stomp stomp stomp slam goes the bedroom door.
Ahhhhh, the joys of motherhood. I wouldn't trade this kid for anything, he keeps it to interesting! Luckily, I am able to have slight sense of humor about the whole thing. I find myself giggling about it all in private. Why does mother nature make this whole teenager/parent experience so obtrusive and difficult for all parties? I will tell you this, I know I've grown as a parent significantly in the past several months. It's like Max and I went from mother and boy to mother and man-child in an instant. My accident and the circumstances surrounding it I know was part of that and the fact that he's also growing up, and I mean UP UP UP in the literal sense, but also he's becoming a man very quickly and I have no choice but to respond to that accordingly. It's strange that the more I see him becoming his own person, the more I see him making his choices knowing full well that now those choices will become more and more real, I feel less stressed out about managing it all and therefore, able to be more of a guiding force rather than the hard core disciplinarian. I feel much less of an urge to try and control it. Though, obviously I had to do SOMETHING about the whole school suspension, that's my job is to let him know when it's not ok. But, I sense a real shift in how I managed this situation now versus how I might have handled it a year ago. Kids, they are truly an indicator of progress on all levels. To bad we have to experiment on them to figure stuff out.
Broken Femurs & Ankle Aches
I am healing well, I can't complain at all other then that I am beginning to feel impatient with my progress. Right now, I am hobbling around and ever so slightly putting a little bit of weight on my boot. The boot makes it a little easier, but it's going to be a few more weeks before I am actually walking without the crutches. My leg looks alien from the knee down on the right side. Thin, a funky color/texture and it's hard to ignore the glaring 6 inch incision (that is still totally scabbed up) running vertically up and down my ankle. I long for the day when that incision is simply a shiny pink scar that will serve as a reminder of many things, too many to even list here.
One strange side effect of this whole situation are the dreams. Dreams of falling and breaking my left leg, the searing pain, the humiliation and fear. Dreams of my current injury never totally healing and walking around with a cast or a boot or an scabbed up incision for ever, complete with peoples stares and questioning glances. Dreams where my ankles roll up under me (like this one would often before the surgery) and me just acting like it's fine, don't worry. Dreams tell us so much about our fears and what's lying just underneath the surface. It's hard to ignore them, though sometimes I'd rather they weren't SO brutally honest. Damn them.
On this front, I just continue to plod along, slowly slowly slowly. But getting there, one day at a time.
Friendships, Relationships & The Transitions That Occur Within Them
There have been some fundamental shifts in both old and new friendships/relationships in recent months.
First and foremost, the change between my mother and I is noteworthy. She has been my rock through this experience, giving me the support and attention that only mothers can, especially during the first month or so after my surgery. This experience has bridged a gap between us and I am grateful for that. She really stepped up to the plate and frankly, surprised us all. It worked out for her as well, she has been in between jobs and it was summer time so getting down the mountain was a non issue. I also know that this was something she may have needed to do for her own sense of healing, the opportunity to mother me. It's been a long, long time since I've needed someone in such a basic way and while I think I've needed her before, this may have been the first time it was tangible to her. Or maybe it was the first she was able to do anything about it really.
However, I will say this....I am not at all used to this new interaction between us. I am not used to talking with her every day and I will say that I feel the need to let her know that I need a little space. I think I have sent that message and she is respecting it, which is great and appreciated. I can tell that we have yet another transition to explore between us based on the fact that my need is less intense now, that we now must begin developing a relationship around something besides my injury. I wondered the other day if that is really possible, but I am willing to take this as an opportunity to explore that possibility totally.
On another note, I had met someone of interest before leaving for Washington. We talked and texted basically through this whole situation, until after my surgery and then he would do nice things like bring dinner over and hang out and watch a movie with me. Or bring flowers, his guitar and just sit with me for the afternoon. He really has been very sweet to me and it's been nice to have a little adult male company while I've been sort of dealing with all this other big stuff in my life, it was nice to share that passion for music and talk about everything BUT this other big stuff in my life and his as well.
Then, suddenly the opportunity came up for him to move up to the mountains and work at a local ski resort for the winter until next spring when he's supposed to go back to school. I was really excited for him. I knew he was unhappy with his living situation in Denver (sloppy roommate who chain smokes, ew) and wasn't exactly thrilled with his job either as it was basically something to pay the bills until he's done with school. So, I was like DOOD what an amazing opportunity! He was excited too, but I would be lying if I said that both of us were like ummmm okay well I guess this changes things up a little in terms of our "hanging out." Neither of us are in any kind of hurry to get involved romantically, at least not heavily involved...but I know that we enjoyed one anothers company very much and have a tremendous amount in common. It was beginning to get hard to ignore the connection and the chemistry there, but I know we were both trying pretty hard to do so. I will admit, that tension was kind of fun :)
Anyway, obviously he decided to take the job. That really wasn't up for debate, though I know in my heart he struggled with it. Whether he should stay here and maybe get to know this girl more and see where it goes, or take a great job opportunity that ultimately benefits his long term quality of life. I did appreciate that he actually acknowledged that he was disappointed that life got in the way of a possibly budding relationship. I also appreciated that he is mature enough to know that there are times when you HAVE to do what is right for you. Certainly he and I are not on the level in which you would really agonize over such a decision, but I appreciate his thoughtfulness in at least acknowledging how he felt. He's got feelings, wow what a concept!
We agreed to stay in touch and he said he'd come down to visit when he could, but I am not counting on it. I generally find myself to be a little cynical about such things and I don't really know him well enough to predict one way or the other, but again, I appreciate the thought.
Actually, the bottom line is that I appreciate the experience very much. Just meeting someone that I have so much in common with, seeing that I can have a connection with a guy again without it feeling to scary or overwhelming. I am not ready to get out there and date again by any means, I have much to focus on in my life right now without the distraction of "love." But I won't deny that the afternoons and evenings I shared with this person were special and I greatly appreciate him for that, even if I never see him again. It reiterated to me that relationships change and transition, that people come in and out of your life always....and it's a good thing. I can never stop connecting with people, it's just not in who I am and I see no reason to deny it.
Which brings me to my final topic.....
Chance
Many new developments on this front have come to pass, none of which I will list because I no longer have the energy to rehash the detail. What I can tell you is that it is finally, over a year later, almost over. And while I will never, ever forget what I learned, I will some day forgive. Probably not anytime to soon though, my heart has not yet healed and I am comfortable giving it as much time as it needs to do so. I am in no rush, I know it will come with time. But finally, maybe it can be over. We will move by the end of the year, the bike is in the banks possession and I go to bankruptcy court in early October.
Buh bye Chance, I have not much more to say to you then Good Luck. Based on what I've seen these past weeks, you are going to need it.
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This feels like an adequate update. There is more, filing for bankruptcy is pretty damn stress full that's one thing I can tell you. But really, that's it. You don't need all the detail. It's not that interesting.
Other than these things, which as I detail them out seem as big as they've felt to me in the past month, I am reading a lot. I've missed books, how they encourage thought and emotion. I've always read at least a little each night on most nights, but lately, I've been reading whole books in a few days. Partly because I am still not sleeping well which gives adequate time for reading but also because I feel I have the actual energy to do so. Reading prompts thought on my end, to the extent that I often can't books down or must journal on what I am thinking/feeling immediately which then brings me into a whole other method of procesesing that can take hours upon hours. Plus, it keeps me out of the refridgerator. Which actually, you will all be pleased to know that I have managed not to put on any weight. Though, I FEEL flabby and bloated. I cringe at the amount of muscle tone I've probably lost during all this...but I am pleased that I have managed to mostly stay out of the fridge and peanut butter. I will tell you one thing I've learned for sure is that there IS a huge difference between actual hunger and emotional eating, not being able to perform a simple act like walking up or down the stairs to get into the peanut butter jar or have left overs from dinner makes this fact very real. For this, I am thankful. And since I burn very few calories right now, I am not hungry a lot. Thirsty, yes cuz it's summer in Colorado, but not hungry.
I should go. I am trying to cook simple meals each night now, though I still need a fair amount of help from Max. He might be a hormonal teenager, but I will tell you that he IS such a cool person. Which you all know anyway:)
Until next time, my love to you all.
xo
SLC
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