Monday's

It's rainy and chilly here today. Getting out of bed for physical therapy was harder then normal. Partly because this weather makes me want to snuggle up under the covers and sleep in late. Not to mention that physical therapy isn't what I look forward to in general....however, my session this morning was fantastic. It felt great, all that bending and stretching and massage. A girl could way to used to that sort of thing. My physical therapist said I am healing incredibly, I wonder if this is the standard line of doctors and physical therapists in my situation. But I don't think so, I believe them because in all reality, I've spent the past 2 months doing nothing but healing and focusing on myself. I can't help but think how I could've never healed up so well without not having to work AND all of the support from my friends and family. Truly, this entire experience (while difficult, painful and frustrating on some days) really couldn't have gone any better all things considered. It makes me think that perhaps my gift from this has been received well.

This weather also makes me really miss my peeps in the Pacific Northwest. I know, I know cliche cliche...what with the weather and all (which btw I hear from certain sources is a bit of a myth, that there is actual sun on alot of days in Seattle.) I woke up this morning with this awful ache for a Crystal hug (one of my favorite people ever to hug) and my Aunty MB's sparkly eyes, soothing nature and sweet sweet smile. A phone call will have to suffice with each of them for now I guess, I can't feel to greedy. After all, it was less then 3 months ago that I was visiting one of my favorite places ever, I love that city and I love Washington, in a perfect world I'd probably already be there. It would feel almost gluttonous in a way, to spend a lifetime surrounded by the people I love and reliving that time when Max and I were sitting with my Aunt on her beautiful farm. Visiting my amazing Grandparents in Anacortes. Watching whales, swinging my hips to the beat of parade. Gasping at what beautiful and cool people my cousins have grown into, wrapping my head around how my Uncle & Aunt live in that beautiful environment every day. And all the time I spent with Crystal, which while some of it was really hard for various reasons, I know now it was the universe getting involved on my behalf.

Kristen and I spent Saturday in her back yard surrounded by the environment she puts so much energy into creating. Flowers, plants, tiki torches, good music, animals every where and occasionally....a VERY good margaritas Which is funny because she doesn't drink often at all, but she knows how to make one (with a little coaching lol.) I sat there as it got dark, watching the moon over head pop out, Boo (the newest kitty) up on my lap purring up a storm, reminiscing with my best friend of 17 years and drinking a fahhhhbulous margarita and I thought "How could I ever leave this? How could I ever leave her? How would Max deal without Kristen & Bethany in our lives. OMG Bethany, how could I leave Bethany?" It would be kind of like leaving Max. The love I feel for Kristen is too complex to document. The ease in which we communicate. How we can read others moods, facial expressions, tone of voice & body language like it's almost second nature. There really isn't anyone else in my life that I share that with, it's almost like we've lived together for 17 years (which we have in a way we have off and on for years, we are never more than a few miles from each other.) I didn't grow up with a sibling, I don't really know what the experience is like but both of our mothers say we are a lot like sisters with each other. We seem closer then sisters to me, but since I don't know what that relationship is I am fine with putting that label on what our friendship is and call it good.

Bethany is a whole other issue. Our children are like "our" children, as in the collective sense. Kristen and Max are more close then Bethany and I on the surface. When Max was a young boy, he totally saw Kristen as another momma in a way, Bethany mostly saw me as draw on her mother's attention when she was a young girl, she was jealous of ANYONE that took away her mother's attention from the sweet princess Bethany :)

It's only been in recent years that Bethany has warmed up to me, as I knew she would. Her and I, we have a lot in common. I've never, ever once thought that the fact that Bethany and I share the same birthday was an accident. Ever. Bethany will talk my ear off for hours if we are in the right circumstances, we've shared secrets and she confided in me about a boyfriend pressuring her to have sex. We've talked about our dads and what it is to be the child of a single parent, she is after all, a girl and likes to talk. I usually take her out for a girls day with me on our birthdays, to get our nails done and if it's ok with her mom, hair cut and style. This year I'd like to take her to a sushi lunch down town. I think she'd greatly enjoy the experience.

Max and Bethany are teenagers now and don't really acknowledge one another, even though they once bathed together. I babysat them both for an entire summer when they were 2 and 2 1/2 and let me tell you, WHOA! They used run through the sprinklers in their underwear and locked Kristen and I out of the house together and threw toilet paper all of the house. There were scraped knee's and bloody noses and chicken pox and flu's. There were drama's where their respective fathers came back into their lives and then left again, only to return again in confusing ways. Kristen and I grew up together, and in a sense, we grew up a lot while OUR kids were growing up. They don't really talk about it much, but we know that they WILL remember the Halloween and birthday parties we went all out for, and ensured that the other was always in attendance. Or the countless Easters that Kristen and I would drain and dry out eggs and paint them by hand while the kids dyed their eggs (there was usually a little wine involved for moms and the kids being done with their dying and in bed by the time we were done with our eggs.) The Christmas's and Thanksgivings. Or the few times we tried to take them camping by ourselves when they were little and mostly they just fought the whole time and we decided after only 2 tries that camping with two 8 year olds was just not going to work out well. In short, Kristen and I have always shared the reality of being 2 very young, single mother's just trying to cut a path in a great big world. Our personal situations are very different, unique in and of themselves, but at the end of the day....talking about our kids, about our families, the people in our lives and the countless crazy ass experiences that come along with being a single mom never leave us short of conversation topic. We talk, pretty much every day even now. After all this time. And trust me, it's not like we always get along. Kristen is somewhat conservative, but not in the way you might think. She is a devoted, intensely traditionally maternal woman. She would tell you herself, that of the two of us, she is the introverted, shy and slightly more "old fashioned" in terms of family values and she quietly takes in the world and mulls it over intensely. Whereas, I am more the free spirited, let's talk about it openly, loving and affectionate in an open way and very, very direct with my child type of mother/person. We've questioned whether we are polar opposites often, but really, I don't think we are. We live our lives, independently of each other, but at the end of the day, reunite in a strange sort of synchronicity. We joke that we are the epitome of bringing out the best in each other, the respective ying to ones yang. And I'd say, even through a lot of the hiccups, that this is totally true.

There is much here besides Kristen and her family that draw me to Colorado, but I would tell you that I could leave most of it behind except for her and Bethany, ....and my mountains. Leaving Mary would be hard to, she is a life boat to me in a sense. And my mother. But I've lived a lot of different places, Colorado is where I've felt most at home. But, I have grown weary of Denver and the Metro Area and I think that Washington calls to me and, always has since the first day I stepped foot there when I was 12 years old. It's hard to deny that kind of calling, it's like this deep, core piece of me instinctively knows that if I end up there, I will have answered many questions. Part of it is the water, I've known that from the get go. Except, there is also the draw of the people that I love there. Some of them, I think, I should've been with all along and when Crystal & Dane moved there, it somehow made it all seem more real for me. I can't deny that there is this part of me that feels like I belong there. It's hard to pretend like it's not there, so much so that I often find myself feeling very sad that I am NOT there. I think it would be good for Max too, which he's totally down with. That's really a non issue, in case anyone is wondering why I am not factoring Max more into this conversation. Max would go with me, in a heart beat. I think he knows it too, it's in him too. Or maybe he feels it from me, I am not sure. Hard to say, but regardless.....

I really didn't mean to get on this topic, I actually had a whole other topic in mind for blogging today and I ended up spewing out all this emotion that I am feeling about being torn. Torn between Colorado, which feels like my past in some ways. A past that I am loyal to, a past I am grateful to. And what seems like often, my future. A future that I can't predict, but am somehow so strongly drawn to that I think about it pretty frequently. Like it almost, lives within me, quietly boding it's time until the right situation presents itself.

It's hard to choose between the loyalty to your past and the fear and excitement of a potentialally amazing, but unknown future.