The current political climate is challenging enough, yet here we are faced with another hurdle brought to light by Hurricane GWB: The Economy.
We’ve all been whispering to ourselves and/or each other about the state of our financial security as a country for some time. At least in my home town it’s quite the topic for discussion, considering that Denver has held one of the top 10 spots in the country for the past 5 years for BOTH foreclosure and unemployment rates. Let’s just say I’m not the only one loosing my house on my block. But, way before it ever really hit home for me (and we all know my situation is more likely based on shitty decision making on my end then the economy so no need to rub salt in the wound please) I began noticing commentary on Alternet.org and other sites that I frequent about the possible financial fallout of this administration. I remember a time when it was predicted that the economy wouldn’t go to hell in a hand basket for at least another 3 – 5 years (IF we didn’t go to war with Iran first) and that it might just still be salvageable if x, y and z were to happen. Well kids, it’s about that time!
What’s sad to me is that it also really wasn’t that long ago that the 6 O’clock talking heads began openly reporting the actual cost of our deficit (the largest in history by one single president), what the financial repercussions of the war in Iraq are (the most expensive in history) and finally in recent months how severely shit could potentially hit the fan. This, of course, is only based on about how far you can throw that guy reporting the news because most of the time I know most of question what is being reported and that’s partly why I still can’t decide if we should be panicking yet. It’s always so hard to pick and choose what to listen to, what to base decisions on in this day and age. But that’s another blog.
So, my question to you all is: Clearly, the results of our times are evident, I mean it’s some scary stuff what’s going on with the stock market and housing these days. But is anyone else truly concerned about the economy in terms of cataclysmic events? People are starting to scream “Depression” and that sort of thing and it’s hard not to think “Huh, that would be bad!” and “Hrm, what can be done about this?” or “These people are all full of crap, over reacting and we are going to be fine!” or somewhere in the middle? Many of the people in my life are in the financial biz and I’d be curious to hear what some of you all have to say on the subject?
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Thursday, September 25, 2008
*yawn*
No one said this getting back to work thing would be easy.....my whole body is screaming at me today, I don't even know why. Just know that I am over the top tired and am looking forward to the weekend, except I have to work Saturday because I am behind on hours. Poo.
In other news, my son has a date this weekend. wow. Amy is her name. By default, she seems scandelous and untrustworthy. Her tank top was about the size of my pinky. Crap.
I keep remdinding myself that a date doesn't nessisarily equate to a pregnancy, that he'll be smarter then all that and end up a virgin for at least another 10 years at which point he'll fall madly in love with the love of his life, marry and have children having only loved her. The love of his life, not Amy.
Alas, sadly I am not as naive as would be convenient in these scenarios. I know all to well what's going on here. This girl is aggressive, dresses in a manner that is obviously appealing to 16 year old boys and has an older sister with a 'reputation' as I've heard from my little spy (Bethany) at Max's school I know, I know...say what you want, I don't solicit this behavior from Bethany, she just spills it cuz she is a teenage girl and likes to gossip and if you think my ears aren't going to perk up when it comes to the subject of my child and who he's hanging out with well you are wrong. It's hard NOT to keep an open ear in such scenario's, no? And certainely I am not going to judge Amy based on what she's wearing or who her sister is, jeez that's not even fair. But it's her assertiveness that alarms me more then anything. I don't think we are dealing with an innocent.
Takes one to know one I guess one could say. laugh.
Oh well, it had to happen some time....this infatuation with girls and sex and all things hormonal driven. I'd say we've been lucky having gotten this far with him being more into soccer and cars.
In other news, my son has a date this weekend. wow. Amy is her name. By default, she seems scandelous and untrustworthy. Her tank top was about the size of my pinky. Crap.
I keep remdinding myself that a date doesn't nessisarily equate to a pregnancy, that he'll be smarter then all that and end up a virgin for at least another 10 years at which point he'll fall madly in love with the love of his life, marry and have children having only loved her. The love of his life, not Amy.
Alas, sadly I am not as naive as would be convenient in these scenarios. I know all to well what's going on here. This girl is aggressive, dresses in a manner that is obviously appealing to 16 year old boys and has an older sister with a 'reputation' as I've heard from my little spy (Bethany) at Max's school I know, I know...say what you want, I don't solicit this behavior from Bethany, she just spills it cuz she is a teenage girl and likes to gossip and if you think my ears aren't going to perk up when it comes to the subject of my child and who he's hanging out with well you are wrong. It's hard NOT to keep an open ear in such scenario's, no? And certainely I am not going to judge Amy based on what she's wearing or who her sister is, jeez that's not even fair. But it's her assertiveness that alarms me more then anything. I don't think we are dealing with an innocent.
Takes one to know one I guess one could say. laugh.
Oh well, it had to happen some time....this infatuation with girls and sex and all things hormonal driven. I'd say we've been lucky having gotten this far with him being more into soccer and cars.
Monday, September 22, 2008
Happy Solstice!
My sorrow, when she's here with me,
Thinks these dark days of autumn rain,
Are beautiful as days can be;
She loves the bare, the withered tree;
She walks the sodden pasture lane.
Robert Frost
My November Guest.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
It's A Mad,Mad World
Reflections from today's first big adventure out in the populace of working professionals:
This is why I got hurt. To slow my ass down, not just a little to gain some insight. Oh hell no, this was the grandest kind of intervention....it was the kind that made me literally STOP my entire life long enough to sit down and examine how truly maddening everything around me had become. I've spent months, being forced to rest so that my body may heal and in that time, the steps I have been taking in the months previous to my injury to heal the rest of me were reiterated. It's like oh yeah, your not gonna get it on your own? Well here you go sister! Take that and call me in the morning!
I can't go back to living that way now, not ever. To busy, tired, unfulfilled, unhappy, lonely, sad, depressed, dark, secluded, directionless, motionless, lacking priority and judgement.
I'll screw up again most certainly, but while I am grateful for all that I've learned in this past 18 months about life and love and how experience forms us...I am over it. So over it, meaning that I am not going to contribute any more to it and "it' in this scenario is a heavy, hulking, lurking monster inside of me that needs to be freed to thrive and no longer so easily distracted.
I don't know exactly what that this looks like yet, what this all means...but I know this for sure: quiet time, reading, being outside, spending time with the people I value and who value me, listening to the music that moves me, playing and dancing, turning off my stupid cell phone, being me even when people don't like it, working hard on my goals (whatever those end up being, tho I have a fairly good idea) and giving something back are all a really good start. Oh and living simply....let's start there actually. One day at a time.
If nothing else, I know for sure I have to find away to manage this seemingly endless barrage of external noise that I now realize, literally sucks out my life source and can get dangerously low if not replenished properly. I honestly, never saw it for what it was before today and you may expect this....sure she's been couped up in a house for 3 months, it's certain to be a little alarming out there in the world. Yep, I'll agree with that....it is another big transition and it IS going to be overwhelming at first....but I can't deny what I saw today, for maybe the first time ever. I can't do it anymore, I am just not that interested in feeding the madness, not mine or anyone elses.
Stick that in your pipe and smoke it sensory overloading, energy sucking, pot stirring, mind altering, crazy making vampires. You are no longer wanted here, we've had some good times but I am bailing out on you. Sorry, I can't be your lunch today. And hopefully not tomorrow either.
The world is noisy.
Today, all of my senses felt bombarded. Traffic felt much to fast, my office seemed much to bright, the radio seemed much to loud, cell phones ringing everywhere you go, I noticed how much people talk just to talk.
I feel a little overwhelmed today by the external world that exists out of my little cocoon I've built up at home. And when I got home from being out in the mad, mad world with all of it's energy that seems determined to "ATTACK!" I come home to a 16 year old ball of some of the strongest energy available to human kind with the tv blaring, chasing the cats around the house and whinning about what we are having for dinner.
Wow, now I get it!
It's like the last 14 years of working, parenting, learning, surviving, struggling, cooking, cleaning, meetings, pagers & cell phones, loving, hurting, nurturing, computer screens, keyboards, mouses, servers, email, magazines, books, coding, writing, singing, dancing, crying, aching, tv screens, people with idea's of who I should or shouldn't be, searching, wanting, needing, trying to understand and just trying to get through the day sometimes flashed in front of me atomically.
It's no wonder I sometimes feel so detached from myself, like I am watching myself live my own life. I am being assaulted by constant demands on my attention, time, energy and resources by things that simply don't matter.
And I mean CONSTANTLY.....
It's no wonder I don't know who I am at 32 years old.
This is why I got hurt. To slow my ass down, not just a little to gain some insight. Oh hell no, this was the grandest kind of intervention....it was the kind that made me literally STOP my entire life long enough to sit down and examine how truly maddening everything around me had become. I've spent months, being forced to rest so that my body may heal and in that time, the steps I have been taking in the months previous to my injury to heal the rest of me were reiterated. It's like oh yeah, your not gonna get it on your own? Well here you go sister! Take that and call me in the morning!
I can't go back to living that way now, not ever. To busy, tired, unfulfilled, unhappy, lonely, sad, depressed, dark, secluded, directionless, motionless, lacking priority and judgement.
I'll screw up again most certainly, but while I am grateful for all that I've learned in this past 18 months about life and love and how experience forms us...I am over it. So over it, meaning that I am not going to contribute any more to it and "it' in this scenario is a heavy, hulking, lurking monster inside of me that needs to be freed to thrive and no longer so easily distracted.
I don't know exactly what that this looks like yet, what this all means...but I know this for sure: quiet time, reading, being outside, spending time with the people I value and who value me, listening to the music that moves me, playing and dancing, turning off my stupid cell phone, being me even when people don't like it, working hard on my goals (whatever those end up being, tho I have a fairly good idea) and giving something back are all a really good start. Oh and living simply....let's start there actually. One day at a time.
If nothing else, I know for sure I have to find away to manage this seemingly endless barrage of external noise that I now realize, literally sucks out my life source and can get dangerously low if not replenished properly. I honestly, never saw it for what it was before today and you may expect this....sure she's been couped up in a house for 3 months, it's certain to be a little alarming out there in the world. Yep, I'll agree with that....it is another big transition and it IS going to be overwhelming at first....but I can't deny what I saw today, for maybe the first time ever. I can't do it anymore, I am just not that interested in feeding the madness, not mine or anyone elses.
Stick that in your pipe and smoke it sensory overloading, energy sucking, pot stirring, mind altering, crazy making vampires. You are no longer wanted here, we've had some good times but I am bailing out on you. Sorry, I can't be your lunch today. And hopefully not tomorrow either.
Monday, September 15, 2008
An Eeyore Kind Of Day.....
I have been in a funk for a few days and I finally figured it out, I am going through a lonely spell.
I used to think there was something really wrong with me, why can't I be strong enough not to feel loneliness? I'm a strong, capable, independent woman. It used to (and still does sometimes) make me feel really weak and pathetically needy.
Then, after many years and conversations with other fragile humans just like myself, I realized...we all have lonely times. That like many other complex emotions and situations, the symptom isn't always directly related to the obvious.
When I am lonely, it is not for a lack of love, that's for certain. It's usually something inside me that is off kilter, though I've never been able to quite pinpoint it 100%. The reasons probably change as I do, but I always seemed to have thought that there was some specific reason why I go through these phases where I feel this intense, immense overwhelming loneliness.
I'd dare say I actually have identified a plausible reason for this current round. In the past 3 months, I have had someone with me more often then I have not. I went through a period of such intense solitude from June of last year until around February/March of this year and then boom!!! I am spending time with my beloved friends and family in WA, to come home to my friends and mother who basically spent the better half of each and every week since I've been hurt (except for one full week) up until last Wednesday. A girl gets used to having someone around who loves her, who cars about her well being, who just enjoys her company. When you go from having all of that to having none of that and being left totally to your own devices, it makes sense that a girl might end up feeling a little lonely doesn't it?
At least now I am able to have the foresight to acknowledge what it might be, to take a breathe and try to work through it rather then go into this "woe is me" mania. To me it feels like progress, though it doesn't negate the feelings nor does it dissipate them, it only makes me feel a little less insane.
It also feels like progress that I am not running to some man, a wine bottle, a pack of cigarettes or the refrigerator to fill me up. To make it go away, this pain and vulnerability that loneliness carries with it. Hey hey, what do you know.....we DO evolve in a life time, even if it IS at a snails pace.
A glaring moment of clarity regarding my previous "outlets" for these feelings arrived when I was with Chance and felt more hopelessly alone then I had felt in over a decade. I knew then, that nothing outside of me could ever fill it up and if it did, it was only temporary and quite possibly even more detrimental to my health then my own insanity.
The baby steps of this work have helped me to see that as I face my life going from one extreme (pain, immobility, vulnerability, anxiety & fear) to something hopefully less tragically embarrassing (new rental property, job/education/family in order, body & mind closer to the girl we all know and love) I am feeling like I often do during transition and change: alone, apprehensive and very VERY anxious. This is the "norm" for me, though I can safely say, less and less so with time and experience.
Tentatively, I wonder if I am allowed to ask for more? To ask for the answers, even though I know they are going to hurt and probably point to something or someone I can already identify deeply embedded inside that I keep tiptoeing around all together. It's hard to deny that I DO want to share my life with people. My friends and family, my spiritual space, my mountains, a potential life partner, what I know is good and right out there. I realize that I must reach out when that is needed, that I need to put it out to the world that I AM needing love, support, friendship, companionship. I'm not shy about these things, but sometimes (I am learning) I DO need time to formulate what exactly it is that I am seeking before I put it out there. Perhaps that is part of what these seemingly lonely periods are about....my inner self needing to be "alone" figuratively and literally to process how I need to proceed, what it is I need or want to ask for, to put my efforts into.
Right now I don't know, but I have some direction. Some idea. This funk might be a real thing that I may face my whole life, but I ultimately know I am not alone. If nothing else, I know we all face these times at certain points in our existence. It must serve a purpose and it's up to me to work through it instead of fearing it and running from it. Time to get out those big girl panties again and ask my broccoli what's up?
I used to think there was something really wrong with me, why can't I be strong enough not to feel loneliness? I'm a strong, capable, independent woman. It used to (and still does sometimes) make me feel really weak and pathetically needy.
Then, after many years and conversations with other fragile humans just like myself, I realized...we all have lonely times. That like many other complex emotions and situations, the symptom isn't always directly related to the obvious.
When I am lonely, it is not for a lack of love, that's for certain. It's usually something inside me that is off kilter, though I've never been able to quite pinpoint it 100%. The reasons probably change as I do, but I always seemed to have thought that there was some specific reason why I go through these phases where I feel this intense, immense overwhelming loneliness.
I'd dare say I actually have identified a plausible reason for this current round. In the past 3 months, I have had someone with me more often then I have not. I went through a period of such intense solitude from June of last year until around February/March of this year and then boom!!! I am spending time with my beloved friends and family in WA, to come home to my friends and mother who basically spent the better half of each and every week since I've been hurt (except for one full week) up until last Wednesday. A girl gets used to having someone around who loves her, who cars about her well being, who just enjoys her company. When you go from having all of that to having none of that and being left totally to your own devices, it makes sense that a girl might end up feeling a little lonely doesn't it?
At least now I am able to have the foresight to acknowledge what it might be, to take a breathe and try to work through it rather then go into this "woe is me" mania. To me it feels like progress, though it doesn't negate the feelings nor does it dissipate them, it only makes me feel a little less insane.
It also feels like progress that I am not running to some man, a wine bottle, a pack of cigarettes or the refrigerator to fill me up. To make it go away, this pain and vulnerability that loneliness carries with it. Hey hey, what do you know.....we DO evolve in a life time, even if it IS at a snails pace.
A glaring moment of clarity regarding my previous "outlets" for these feelings arrived when I was with Chance and felt more hopelessly alone then I had felt in over a decade. I knew then, that nothing outside of me could ever fill it up and if it did, it was only temporary and quite possibly even more detrimental to my health then my own insanity.
The baby steps of this work have helped me to see that as I face my life going from one extreme (pain, immobility, vulnerability, anxiety & fear) to something hopefully less tragically embarrassing (new rental property, job/education/family in order, body & mind closer to the girl we all know and love) I am feeling like I often do during transition and change: alone, apprehensive and very VERY anxious. This is the "norm" for me, though I can safely say, less and less so with time and experience.
Tentatively, I wonder if I am allowed to ask for more? To ask for the answers, even though I know they are going to hurt and probably point to something or someone I can already identify deeply embedded inside that I keep tiptoeing around all together. It's hard to deny that I DO want to share my life with people. My friends and family, my spiritual space, my mountains, a potential life partner, what I know is good and right out there. I realize that I must reach out when that is needed, that I need to put it out to the world that I AM needing love, support, friendship, companionship. I'm not shy about these things, but sometimes (I am learning) I DO need time to formulate what exactly it is that I am seeking before I put it out there. Perhaps that is part of what these seemingly lonely periods are about....my inner self needing to be "alone" figuratively and literally to process how I need to proceed, what it is I need or want to ask for, to put my efforts into.
Right now I don't know, but I have some direction. Some idea. This funk might be a real thing that I may face my whole life, but I ultimately know I am not alone. If nothing else, I know we all face these times at certain points in our existence. It must serve a purpose and it's up to me to work through it instead of fearing it and running from it. Time to get out those big girl panties again and ask my broccoli what's up?
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Happy Birthday Max!
Wow, 16 huh kiddo? You've reached a milestone, that's for sure. I hope you like the cake and dinner, I had wanted to make this a big one for you. A big big big one. But such is life, circumstances do not allow for it right now. What matters is that I love you, that there is this huge network of people who love you and are proud of you. Hang in there kid, these next few years might be trying, but you'll get through it. Happy Happy Birthday Baby!
Monday, September 08, 2008
Monday's
It's rainy and chilly here today. Getting out of bed for physical therapy was harder then normal. Partly because this weather makes me want to snuggle up under the covers and sleep in late. Not to mention that physical therapy isn't what I look forward to in general....however, my session this morning was fantastic. It felt great, all that bending and stretching and massage. A girl could way to used to that sort of thing. My physical therapist said I am healing incredibly, I wonder if this is the standard line of doctors and physical therapists in my situation. But I don't think so, I believe them because in all reality, I've spent the past 2 months doing nothing but healing and focusing on myself. I can't help but think how I could've never healed up so well without not having to work AND all of the support from my friends and family. Truly, this entire experience (while difficult, painful and frustrating on some days) really couldn't have gone any better all things considered. It makes me think that perhaps my gift from this has been received well.
This weather also makes me really miss my peeps in the Pacific Northwest. I know, I know cliche cliche...what with the weather and all (which btw I hear from certain sources is a bit of a myth, that there is actual sun on alot of days in Seattle.) I woke up this morning with this awful ache for a Crystal hug (one of my favorite people ever to hug) and my Aunty MB's sparkly eyes, soothing nature and sweet sweet smile. A phone call will have to suffice with each of them for now I guess, I can't feel to greedy. After all, it was less then 3 months ago that I was visiting one of my favorite places ever, I love that city and I love Washington, in a perfect world I'd probably already be there. It would feel almost gluttonous in a way, to spend a lifetime surrounded by the people I love and reliving that time when Max and I were sitting with my Aunt on her beautiful farm. Visiting my amazing Grandparents in Anacortes. Watching whales, swinging my hips to the beat of parade. Gasping at what beautiful and cool people my cousins have grown into, wrapping my head around how my Uncle & Aunt live in that beautiful environment every day. And all the time I spent with Crystal, which while some of it was really hard for various reasons, I know now it was the universe getting involved on my behalf.
Kristen and I spent Saturday in her back yard surrounded by the environment she puts so much energy into creating. Flowers, plants, tiki torches, good music, animals every where and occasionally....a VERY good margaritas Which is funny because she doesn't drink often at all, but she knows how to make one (with a little coaching lol.) I sat there as it got dark, watching the moon over head pop out, Boo (the newest kitty) up on my lap purring up a storm, reminiscing with my best friend of 17 years and drinking a fahhhhbulous margarita and I thought "How could I ever leave this? How could I ever leave her? How would Max deal without Kristen & Bethany in our lives. OMG Bethany, how could I leave Bethany?" It would be kind of like leaving Max. The love I feel for Kristen is too complex to document. The ease in which we communicate. How we can read others moods, facial expressions, tone of voice & body language like it's almost second nature. There really isn't anyone else in my life that I share that with, it's almost like we've lived together for 17 years (which we have in a way we have off and on for years, we are never more than a few miles from each other.) I didn't grow up with a sibling, I don't really know what the experience is like but both of our mothers say we are a lot like sisters with each other. We seem closer then sisters to me, but since I don't know what that relationship is I am fine with putting that label on what our friendship is and call it good.
Bethany is a whole other issue. Our children are like "our" children, as in the collective sense. Kristen and Max are more close then Bethany and I on the surface. When Max was a young boy, he totally saw Kristen as another momma in a way, Bethany mostly saw me as draw on her mother's attention when she was a young girl, she was jealous of ANYONE that took away her mother's attention from the sweet princess Bethany :)
It's only been in recent years that Bethany has warmed up to me, as I knew she would. Her and I, we have a lot in common. I've never, ever once thought that the fact that Bethany and I share the same birthday was an accident. Ever. Bethany will talk my ear off for hours if we are in the right circumstances, we've shared secrets and she confided in me about a boyfriend pressuring her to have sex. We've talked about our dads and what it is to be the child of a single parent, she is after all, a girl and likes to talk. I usually take her out for a girls day with me on our birthdays, to get our nails done and if it's ok with her mom, hair cut and style. This year I'd like to take her to a sushi lunch down town. I think she'd greatly enjoy the experience.
Max and Bethany are teenagers now and don't really acknowledge one another, even though they once bathed together. I babysat them both for an entire summer when they were 2 and 2 1/2 and let me tell you, WHOA! They used run through the sprinklers in their underwear and locked Kristen and I out of the house together and threw toilet paper all of the house. There were scraped knee's and bloody noses and chicken pox and flu's. There were drama's where their respective fathers came back into their lives and then left again, only to return again in confusing ways. Kristen and I grew up together, and in a sense, we grew up a lot while OUR kids were growing up. They don't really talk about it much, but we know that they WILL remember the Halloween and birthday parties we went all out for, and ensured that the other was always in attendance. Or the countless Easters that Kristen and I would drain and dry out eggs and paint them by hand while the kids dyed their eggs (there was usually a little wine involved for moms and the kids being done with their dying and in bed by the time we were done with our eggs.) The Christmas's and Thanksgivings. Or the few times we tried to take them camping by ourselves when they were little and mostly they just fought the whole time and we decided after only 2 tries that camping with two 8 year olds was just not going to work out well. In short, Kristen and I have always shared the reality of being 2 very young, single mother's just trying to cut a path in a great big world. Our personal situations are very different, unique in and of themselves, but at the end of the day....talking about our kids, about our families, the people in our lives and the countless crazy ass experiences that come along with being a single mom never leave us short of conversation topic. We talk, pretty much every day even now. After all this time. And trust me, it's not like we always get along. Kristen is somewhat conservative, but not in the way you might think. She is a devoted, intensely traditionally maternal woman. She would tell you herself, that of the two of us, she is the introverted, shy and slightly more "old fashioned" in terms of family values and she quietly takes in the world and mulls it over intensely. Whereas, I am more the free spirited, let's talk about it openly, loving and affectionate in an open way and very, very direct with my child type of mother/person. We've questioned whether we are polar opposites often, but really, I don't think we are. We live our lives, independently of each other, but at the end of the day, reunite in a strange sort of synchronicity. We joke that we are the epitome of bringing out the best in each other, the respective ying to ones yang. And I'd say, even through a lot of the hiccups, that this is totally true.
There is much here besides Kristen and her family that draw me to Colorado, but I would tell you that I could leave most of it behind except for her and Bethany, ....and my mountains. Leaving Mary would be hard to, she is a life boat to me in a sense. And my mother. But I've lived a lot of different places, Colorado is where I've felt most at home. But, I have grown weary of Denver and the Metro Area and I think that Washington calls to me and, always has since the first day I stepped foot there when I was 12 years old. It's hard to deny that kind of calling, it's like this deep, core piece of me instinctively knows that if I end up there, I will have answered many questions. Part of it is the water, I've known that from the get go. Except, there is also the draw of the people that I love there. Some of them, I think, I should've been with all along and when Crystal & Dane moved there, it somehow made it all seem more real for me. I can't deny that there is this part of me that feels like I belong there. It's hard to pretend like it's not there, so much so that I often find myself feeling very sad that I am NOT there. I think it would be good for Max too, which he's totally down with. That's really a non issue, in case anyone is wondering why I am not factoring Max more into this conversation. Max would go with me, in a heart beat. I think he knows it too, it's in him too. Or maybe he feels it from me, I am not sure. Hard to say, but regardless.....
I really didn't mean to get on this topic, I actually had a whole other topic in mind for blogging today and I ended up spewing out all this emotion that I am feeling about being torn. Torn between Colorado, which feels like my past in some ways. A past that I am loyal to, a past I am grateful to. And what seems like often, my future. A future that I can't predict, but am somehow so strongly drawn to that I think about it pretty frequently. Like it almost, lives within me, quietly boding it's time until the right situation presents itself.
It's hard to choose between the loyalty to your past and the fear and excitement of a potentialally amazing, but unknown future.
This weather also makes me really miss my peeps in the Pacific Northwest. I know, I know cliche cliche...what with the weather and all (which btw I hear from certain sources is a bit of a myth, that there is actual sun on alot of days in Seattle.) I woke up this morning with this awful ache for a Crystal hug (one of my favorite people ever to hug) and my Aunty MB's sparkly eyes, soothing nature and sweet sweet smile. A phone call will have to suffice with each of them for now I guess, I can't feel to greedy. After all, it was less then 3 months ago that I was visiting one of my favorite places ever, I love that city and I love Washington, in a perfect world I'd probably already be there. It would feel almost gluttonous in a way, to spend a lifetime surrounded by the people I love and reliving that time when Max and I were sitting with my Aunt on her beautiful farm. Visiting my amazing Grandparents in Anacortes. Watching whales, swinging my hips to the beat of parade. Gasping at what beautiful and cool people my cousins have grown into, wrapping my head around how my Uncle & Aunt live in that beautiful environment every day. And all the time I spent with Crystal, which while some of it was really hard for various reasons, I know now it was the universe getting involved on my behalf.
Kristen and I spent Saturday in her back yard surrounded by the environment she puts so much energy into creating. Flowers, plants, tiki torches, good music, animals every where and occasionally....a VERY good margaritas Which is funny because she doesn't drink often at all, but she knows how to make one (with a little coaching lol.) I sat there as it got dark, watching the moon over head pop out, Boo (the newest kitty) up on my lap purring up a storm, reminiscing with my best friend of 17 years and drinking a fahhhhbulous margarita and I thought "How could I ever leave this? How could I ever leave her? How would Max deal without Kristen & Bethany in our lives. OMG Bethany, how could I leave Bethany?" It would be kind of like leaving Max. The love I feel for Kristen is too complex to document. The ease in which we communicate. How we can read others moods, facial expressions, tone of voice & body language like it's almost second nature. There really isn't anyone else in my life that I share that with, it's almost like we've lived together for 17 years (which we have in a way we have off and on for years, we are never more than a few miles from each other.) I didn't grow up with a sibling, I don't really know what the experience is like but both of our mothers say we are a lot like sisters with each other. We seem closer then sisters to me, but since I don't know what that relationship is I am fine with putting that label on what our friendship is and call it good.
Bethany is a whole other issue. Our children are like "our" children, as in the collective sense. Kristen and Max are more close then Bethany and I on the surface. When Max was a young boy, he totally saw Kristen as another momma in a way, Bethany mostly saw me as draw on her mother's attention when she was a young girl, she was jealous of ANYONE that took away her mother's attention from the sweet princess Bethany :)
It's only been in recent years that Bethany has warmed up to me, as I knew she would. Her and I, we have a lot in common. I've never, ever once thought that the fact that Bethany and I share the same birthday was an accident. Ever. Bethany will talk my ear off for hours if we are in the right circumstances, we've shared secrets and she confided in me about a boyfriend pressuring her to have sex. We've talked about our dads and what it is to be the child of a single parent, she is after all, a girl and likes to talk. I usually take her out for a girls day with me on our birthdays, to get our nails done and if it's ok with her mom, hair cut and style. This year I'd like to take her to a sushi lunch down town. I think she'd greatly enjoy the experience.
Max and Bethany are teenagers now and don't really acknowledge one another, even though they once bathed together. I babysat them both for an entire summer when they were 2 and 2 1/2 and let me tell you, WHOA! They used run through the sprinklers in their underwear and locked Kristen and I out of the house together and threw toilet paper all of the house. There were scraped knee's and bloody noses and chicken pox and flu's. There were drama's where their respective fathers came back into their lives and then left again, only to return again in confusing ways. Kristen and I grew up together, and in a sense, we grew up a lot while OUR kids were growing up. They don't really talk about it much, but we know that they WILL remember the Halloween and birthday parties we went all out for, and ensured that the other was always in attendance. Or the countless Easters that Kristen and I would drain and dry out eggs and paint them by hand while the kids dyed their eggs (there was usually a little wine involved for moms and the kids being done with their dying and in bed by the time we were done with our eggs.) The Christmas's and Thanksgivings. Or the few times we tried to take them camping by ourselves when they were little and mostly they just fought the whole time and we decided after only 2 tries that camping with two 8 year olds was just not going to work out well. In short, Kristen and I have always shared the reality of being 2 very young, single mother's just trying to cut a path in a great big world. Our personal situations are very different, unique in and of themselves, but at the end of the day....talking about our kids, about our families, the people in our lives and the countless crazy ass experiences that come along with being a single mom never leave us short of conversation topic. We talk, pretty much every day even now. After all this time. And trust me, it's not like we always get along. Kristen is somewhat conservative, but not in the way you might think. She is a devoted, intensely traditionally maternal woman. She would tell you herself, that of the two of us, she is the introverted, shy and slightly more "old fashioned" in terms of family values and she quietly takes in the world and mulls it over intensely. Whereas, I am more the free spirited, let's talk about it openly, loving and affectionate in an open way and very, very direct with my child type of mother/person. We've questioned whether we are polar opposites often, but really, I don't think we are. We live our lives, independently of each other, but at the end of the day, reunite in a strange sort of synchronicity. We joke that we are the epitome of bringing out the best in each other, the respective ying to ones yang. And I'd say, even through a lot of the hiccups, that this is totally true.
There is much here besides Kristen and her family that draw me to Colorado, but I would tell you that I could leave most of it behind except for her and Bethany, ....and my mountains. Leaving Mary would be hard to, she is a life boat to me in a sense. And my mother. But I've lived a lot of different places, Colorado is where I've felt most at home. But, I have grown weary of Denver and the Metro Area and I think that Washington calls to me and, always has since the first day I stepped foot there when I was 12 years old. It's hard to deny that kind of calling, it's like this deep, core piece of me instinctively knows that if I end up there, I will have answered many questions. Part of it is the water, I've known that from the get go. Except, there is also the draw of the people that I love there. Some of them, I think, I should've been with all along and when Crystal & Dane moved there, it somehow made it all seem more real for me. I can't deny that there is this part of me that feels like I belong there. It's hard to pretend like it's not there, so much so that I often find myself feeling very sad that I am NOT there. I think it would be good for Max too, which he's totally down with. That's really a non issue, in case anyone is wondering why I am not factoring Max more into this conversation. Max would go with me, in a heart beat. I think he knows it too, it's in him too. Or maybe he feels it from me, I am not sure. Hard to say, but regardless.....
I really didn't mean to get on this topic, I actually had a whole other topic in mind for blogging today and I ended up spewing out all this emotion that I am feeling about being torn. Torn between Colorado, which feels like my past in some ways. A past that I am loyal to, a past I am grateful to. And what seems like often, my future. A future that I can't predict, but am somehow so strongly drawn to that I think about it pretty frequently. Like it almost, lives within me, quietly boding it's time until the right situation presents itself.
It's hard to choose between the loyalty to your past and the fear and excitement of a potentialally amazing, but unknown future.
Thursday, September 04, 2008
Worn Down
My visit with Matt went as well as can be expected. It is the most alert I've seen him in some time and he was able to conversate comfortably for a good hour or so. I miss him. I miss planning fun stuff with him and joking around on the phone. He has chemo on Monday, blech. I know it's horrible. I've seen what it does to people, how it takes them down a notch every time. Matty shaved his head in rebellion against his hair falling out, way to go yo! When it grows back, I think we should color it blue or purple or something. I am worried about his eyebrows this next chemo, I know loosing facial/body hair can be really traumatic for some patients. I sometimes wonder if anyone is talking to him about this stuff. If he knows anyone in his immediate, close circle who might be able to warn him about how food won't taste the same for a while, but it will taste good again. About how he can drink chamomile tea for the chills and the shaking or how massage is proven to be effective in over all treatment and does his insurance cover that? I mostly just wish I were more available to him, hopefully my availability will increase as my mobility does.
My son is rebelling. Sometimes I wish he'd just want to run out and pierce something or dye his hair purple and gel it into spikes. Or wear ratty clothes or wear eyeliner. Or listen to music that might be considered obnoxious by others. Or even have a bad attiude, but still manage his school work/life appropriately. These are things I could totally tolerate and probably even enjoy secretly. Because these are forms of rebellion that seem healthy to me, seem like what he SHOULD be doing. But not Max, nope. He really wants to act like I don't effect him, that I don't matter and neither does school or any other realm of responsibility that is applicable to his very young lif. Which is also fairly limited, I must often refrain from saying "When I was your age I had to raise an infant, work and deal with a man who beat the shit out of me." But obviously I don't, that's the immature selfish Sarah that wants to scream out in a rage at how he really can't seem to manage the simplest of things without being babysat. He is not taking this suspension at school at all seriously. Today he pushed me over the edge, you know....to that "I am so calm because if I am not calm I am going to loose it on you and then you'll really be shocked." phase. It's such a long story, I don't have the energy for it except to say this: Communicating with teen age boys is like talking to an arbitrary wall of hormonal confusion and ignorance. Quite possibley one of the most frustrating things on record.
My son is rebelling. Sometimes I wish he'd just want to run out and pierce something or dye his hair purple and gel it into spikes. Or wear ratty clothes or wear eyeliner. Or listen to music that might be considered obnoxious by others. Or even have a bad attiude, but still manage his school work/life appropriately. These are things I could totally tolerate and probably even enjoy secretly. Because these are forms of rebellion that seem healthy to me, seem like what he SHOULD be doing. But not Max, nope. He really wants to act like I don't effect him, that I don't matter and neither does school or any other realm of responsibility that is applicable to his very young lif. Which is also fairly limited, I must often refrain from saying "When I was your age I had to raise an infant, work and deal with a man who beat the shit out of me." But obviously I don't, that's the immature selfish Sarah that wants to scream out in a rage at how he really can't seem to manage the simplest of things without being babysat. He is not taking this suspension at school at all seriously. Today he pushed me over the edge, you know....to that "I am so calm because if I am not calm I am going to loose it on you and then you'll really be shocked." phase. It's such a long story, I don't have the energy for it except to say this: Communicating with teen age boys is like talking to an arbitrary wall of hormonal confusion and ignorance. Quite possibley one of the most frustrating things on record.
sigh.
I will admit to feeling the nudges of depression trying to worm it's way in on me. Right now, I am ignoring it. I really don't think I have the energy to battle it tonight and I know better then to try and predict it after the "right now" part. It could get worse or better in the coming days, it could be the change in seasons or the fact that I am stuck in the house mostly alone and when I am not alone I am being leered at by the one person in this world that I love so unconditionally I can hardly bare it some days. It could be that I am deeply concerned about a close friend whom I know is going through a difficult time herself. It could be that Max has worn me down to a nub of my former fairly patient self or that I can't stop thinking about Matt. Or hormones which peanut butter and chocolate would most certainly help my mood but not my ass, which I would REALLY like to avoid that getting any bigger than it already is.
I am eager to return to work, start driving myself around so I can be outside, living. Thriving. I am nervous about driving, but actually think the more I put weight on my foot the more it COULD be possible for me to drive sooner then I think. We'll see. I was on it a lot today and it doesn't even hurt or ache, yet. I've found that tends to happen when I lay down and try to fake myself into sleeping and by the way....a lot of people have asked....can you feel it in there? Does it feel weird....yes and yes. It feels like just what it is, an object that was once foreign to my body is now a part of my body and when you spend 32 years without something and suddenly it's there, it feels a little strange. I definitely don't go poking around it (cuz there's still that big ole nasty incision mark) I can sometimes feel it poking at me though when I lay on it a certain way at night. Poke poke poke. Not painful, just weird. Strangely enough, it doesn't hurt at all where the plate/screws are....it aches and bugs me every where else in that vicinity but there. Like my bones/tendons all around it are reacting to this new intruding thing. The body is a fascinating thing.
We'll see what the physical therapist says tomorrow.
Off for now kids, I am thinking of eating some peanut butter and honey. I figure if I do, that's ok. There are worse things.
Tuesday, September 02, 2008
Time For An Update
I know that a lot of my friends and family are frustrated or concerned by my lack of communication in recent weeks and I will do my best to respond to emails and phone calls personally, but I also know it's time for me to update externally as only a blog allows.
These past few weeks have elicited a variety of emotional experiences and mental provocation. I am not really sure where to begin in terms of processing much of this, but I suppose as is standard Sarah behavior, I'll just jump in and tackle it one thing at a time while multi-tasking the rest.
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Matt:
Many of you know Matt or have heard me reference him conversation, blog or otherwise. Matt is one of my closest friends and all though the relationship between us has had it's bumpy moments, it's always been a friendship based on laughter and a unique bond that I've not shared with many other people.
In recent months, Matt has been battling a number of serious health problems including major surgery which involved the removal of a kidney and the tumor surrounding it and his adrenal gland. In the past two weeks his condition worsened significantly, then improved slightly only to worsen again. In the name of privacy, I won't go into to much detail but I can tell you that these are the times in life that you must be prepared for a middle of the night phone call at any time indicating that you need to get down to the hospital immediately. There have been many tears shed, night sat up worrying and a number of other questions, frustrations and concerns that arise when you are helplessly watching someone you love fight for his life.
I will see him Thursday, and do my best not to cry in front of him and put on my happiest Tree Fruit face and then come home and sob. This experience with Matt has prompted some deep thought about who I am and wondering if I am truly living my life's purpose. Not just because witnessing struggle of this kind triggers this naturally within us on the human level, but also because this isn't even close to the first time I've walked this mile, nor I suspect will it be the last. It cannot be. People get sick, get in car accidents, can't take any more and self destruct. And I can't help but feel that this life is teaching me about that brutality and how to manage it without loosing myself in the process. In my own voice, I can hear the words of someone how knows how to manage crisis, pain, suffering. Sometimes I wonder if I am to be doing more with that ability, giving back more? I don't know...
All I do know is that right now, this isn't about me, it's about Matt and supporting his friends and family to the best of my ability, which isn't at all easy because there is a certain amount of tension and conflict that naturally arises during these times because people want to be angry and blame and find distractions. It all feels to big.
In the meantime, I have started a campaign of intentional positive thought and love in Matt's direction. I believe in the power of love and asking for guidance and assistance.
Max:
Kids have impeccable timing. Seriously. There must be this internal radar that when it's time, the alarm is sounded and it's time to start acting out. Perhaps it's the "I am uncomfortable but I am not sure why so I am going to do something to get your attention so I know you are still here for me." alarm.
Or maybe it's the "Your not paying me the attention I think I am entitled to and therefore you are a sucky mom, so I think I'll do so something get your attention so I know you are still here for me." alarm.
Or, it could be simply be the "My hormones are raging and I don't know how I feel about a lot of things but I definitely know when I am not getting what I want so I'll act like a jerk until I DO get what I want, but you'd better still be there for me even if I act like I hate you." alarm.
All I know is that it is like clock work that this kid instinctively knows when I am juggling one too many balls and he loves to throw a bowling pin in there just to make it that much more interesting. I am kidding, I highly doubt it's intentional, but I do notice that when I am managing big stuff Max tends to act out. I think it's mostly that he feels my attention diverted otherwise. Max may be a 16 year old man-child, but there is no doubt in my mind that he still believes the entire world revolves around him and I think Max is far more sensitive to the reality of life then most kids his age, but he still wants most, if not ALL of my attention. Sometimes I think it's very lucky for him that he never had a sibling, other times I think if he HAD had a sibling, he'd likely be less needy.
Regardless of the reason WHY the kid acts out, he does and he did a doosey this time. School suspension for fighting. WOOOPSIES! Apparently some kid came up and tried to smoosh a piece of carrot cake in Max's face and Max went bollistic and punched the kid in the nose, complete with blood/black eye and all. Grrrrreeeeaaaaaaaat. Understand that we live in Jefferson County Colorado. We all know that what happened at Columbine was truly horrific and there is no doubt in my mind about why the school district made the choices that they made. There was no choice and what this means is that there is a ZERO tolerance policy toward violence amongst students, any forms of violence or threats and that leaves things like punching a kid in the nose totally out of the question. No matter WHAT, it's not an option unless you want to face the consequences. Argue all you want about the policy (and trust me, I've heard more than my share of reactions to Max's suspension from friends) but it is what it is. It IS the policy in no uncertain terms. Max knows that. ALL kids in this school district know that, it's not a big secret trust me. So, while I've heard the argument that maybe the kid deserved it (over a piece of cake? hrrrmmm, that is suspect to me but I am not a 16 year old boy with an image to uphold and raging hormones) or that this is ridiculous, that kids fight and so on and so forth the fact is that Max made a choice that will ultimately affect him a good portion of this school year. He is on suspension from the soccer team. That's a negative. He will get behind in school work and have to work twice as hard from the very get go of the year to catch up. Which, is exactly what Max DOES NOT need, I assure you. And finally, he now has a reputation which subjects him to more of this nonsense.
Don't even get me started on Max's totally smug attitude about the whole thing either. Acting as if he was completely entitled to pop some kid in the face and practically break the poor kids nose over a piece of freaking carrot cake. When I responded by grounding him for one week for each day he was suspended, he acted as if I was over reacting totally and like he didn't even give a shit at all. Basically challenging me, daring me to go any further with it. As soon as I saw that look on his face, I knew exactly what it was and decided to stop talking and let his actions and choices work themselves out and I stated terms of his discipline clearly and that was the end of it from me. By day 3 of being grounded, he was whinning about when he was going to have privileges back and acting as if I'd really gone to far this time. I told him we'd revisit the situation this coming Thursday, one week into the whole ordeal. Stomp stomp stomp slam goes the bedroom door.
Ahhhhh, the joys of motherhood. I wouldn't trade this kid for anything, he keeps it to interesting! Luckily, I am able to have slight sense of humor about the whole thing. I find myself giggling about it all in private. Why does mother nature make this whole teenager/parent experience so obtrusive and difficult for all parties? I will tell you this, I know I've grown as a parent significantly in the past several months. It's like Max and I went from mother and boy to mother and man-child in an instant. My accident and the circumstances surrounding it I know was part of that and the fact that he's also growing up, and I mean UP UP UP in the literal sense, but also he's becoming a man very quickly and I have no choice but to respond to that accordingly. It's strange that the more I see him becoming his own person, the more I see him making his choices knowing full well that now those choices will become more and more real, I feel less stressed out about managing it all and therefore, able to be more of a guiding force rather than the hard core disciplinarian. I feel much less of an urge to try and control it. Though, obviously I had to do SOMETHING about the whole school suspension, that's my job is to let him know when it's not ok. But, I sense a real shift in how I managed this situation now versus how I might have handled it a year ago. Kids, they are truly an indicator of progress on all levels. To bad we have to experiment on them to figure stuff out.
Broken Femurs & Ankle Aches
I am healing well, I can't complain at all other then that I am beginning to feel impatient with my progress. Right now, I am hobbling around and ever so slightly putting a little bit of weight on my boot. The boot makes it a little easier, but it's going to be a few more weeks before I am actually walking without the crutches. My leg looks alien from the knee down on the right side. Thin, a funky color/texture and it's hard to ignore the glaring 6 inch incision (that is still totally scabbed up) running vertically up and down my ankle. I long for the day when that incision is simply a shiny pink scar that will serve as a reminder of many things, too many to even list here.
One strange side effect of this whole situation are the dreams. Dreams of falling and breaking my left leg, the searing pain, the humiliation and fear. Dreams of my current injury never totally healing and walking around with a cast or a boot or an scabbed up incision for ever, complete with peoples stares and questioning glances. Dreams where my ankles roll up under me (like this one would often before the surgery) and me just acting like it's fine, don't worry. Dreams tell us so much about our fears and what's lying just underneath the surface. It's hard to ignore them, though sometimes I'd rather they weren't SO brutally honest. Damn them.
On this front, I just continue to plod along, slowly slowly slowly. But getting there, one day at a time.
Friendships, Relationships & The Transitions That Occur Within Them
There have been some fundamental shifts in both old and new friendships/relationships in recent months.
First and foremost, the change between my mother and I is noteworthy. She has been my rock through this experience, giving me the support and attention that only mothers can, especially during the first month or so after my surgery. This experience has bridged a gap between us and I am grateful for that. She really stepped up to the plate and frankly, surprised us all. It worked out for her as well, she has been in between jobs and it was summer time so getting down the mountain was a non issue. I also know that this was something she may have needed to do for her own sense of healing, the opportunity to mother me. It's been a long, long time since I've needed someone in such a basic way and while I think I've needed her before, this may have been the first time it was tangible to her. Or maybe it was the first she was able to do anything about it really.
However, I will say this....I am not at all used to this new interaction between us. I am not used to talking with her every day and I will say that I feel the need to let her know that I need a little space. I think I have sent that message and she is respecting it, which is great and appreciated. I can tell that we have yet another transition to explore between us based on the fact that my need is less intense now, that we now must begin developing a relationship around something besides my injury. I wondered the other day if that is really possible, but I am willing to take this as an opportunity to explore that possibility totally.
On another note, I had met someone of interest before leaving for Washington. We talked and texted basically through this whole situation, until after my surgery and then he would do nice things like bring dinner over and hang out and watch a movie with me. Or bring flowers, his guitar and just sit with me for the afternoon. He really has been very sweet to me and it's been nice to have a little adult male company while I've been sort of dealing with all this other big stuff in my life, it was nice to share that passion for music and talk about everything BUT this other big stuff in my life and his as well.
Then, suddenly the opportunity came up for him to move up to the mountains and work at a local ski resort for the winter until next spring when he's supposed to go back to school. I was really excited for him. I knew he was unhappy with his living situation in Denver (sloppy roommate who chain smokes, ew) and wasn't exactly thrilled with his job either as it was basically something to pay the bills until he's done with school. So, I was like DOOD what an amazing opportunity! He was excited too, but I would be lying if I said that both of us were like ummmm okay well I guess this changes things up a little in terms of our "hanging out." Neither of us are in any kind of hurry to get involved romantically, at least not heavily involved...but I know that we enjoyed one anothers company very much and have a tremendous amount in common. It was beginning to get hard to ignore the connection and the chemistry there, but I know we were both trying pretty hard to do so. I will admit, that tension was kind of fun :)
Anyway, obviously he decided to take the job. That really wasn't up for debate, though I know in my heart he struggled with it. Whether he should stay here and maybe get to know this girl more and see where it goes, or take a great job opportunity that ultimately benefits his long term quality of life. I did appreciate that he actually acknowledged that he was disappointed that life got in the way of a possibly budding relationship. I also appreciated that he is mature enough to know that there are times when you HAVE to do what is right for you. Certainly he and I are not on the level in which you would really agonize over such a decision, but I appreciate his thoughtfulness in at least acknowledging how he felt. He's got feelings, wow what a concept!
We agreed to stay in touch and he said he'd come down to visit when he could, but I am not counting on it. I generally find myself to be a little cynical about such things and I don't really know him well enough to predict one way or the other, but again, I appreciate the thought.
Actually, the bottom line is that I appreciate the experience very much. Just meeting someone that I have so much in common with, seeing that I can have a connection with a guy again without it feeling to scary or overwhelming. I am not ready to get out there and date again by any means, I have much to focus on in my life right now without the distraction of "love." But I won't deny that the afternoons and evenings I shared with this person were special and I greatly appreciate him for that, even if I never see him again. It reiterated to me that relationships change and transition, that people come in and out of your life always....and it's a good thing. I can never stop connecting with people, it's just not in who I am and I see no reason to deny it.
Which brings me to my final topic.....
Chance
Many new developments on this front have come to pass, none of which I will list because I no longer have the energy to rehash the detail. What I can tell you is that it is finally, over a year later, almost over. And while I will never, ever forget what I learned, I will some day forgive. Probably not anytime to soon though, my heart has not yet healed and I am comfortable giving it as much time as it needs to do so. I am in no rush, I know it will come with time. But finally, maybe it can be over. We will move by the end of the year, the bike is in the banks possession and I go to bankruptcy court in early October.
Buh bye Chance, I have not much more to say to you then Good Luck. Based on what I've seen these past weeks, you are going to need it.
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This feels like an adequate update. There is more, filing for bankruptcy is pretty damn stress full that's one thing I can tell you. But really, that's it. You don't need all the detail. It's not that interesting.
Other than these things, which as I detail them out seem as big as they've felt to me in the past month, I am reading a lot. I've missed books, how they encourage thought and emotion. I've always read at least a little each night on most nights, but lately, I've been reading whole books in a few days. Partly because I am still not sleeping well which gives adequate time for reading but also because I feel I have the actual energy to do so. Reading prompts thought on my end, to the extent that I often can't books down or must journal on what I am thinking/feeling immediately which then brings me into a whole other method of procesesing that can take hours upon hours. Plus, it keeps me out of the refridgerator. Which actually, you will all be pleased to know that I have managed not to put on any weight. Though, I FEEL flabby and bloated. I cringe at the amount of muscle tone I've probably lost during all this...but I am pleased that I have managed to mostly stay out of the fridge and peanut butter. I will tell you one thing I've learned for sure is that there IS a huge difference between actual hunger and emotional eating, not being able to perform a simple act like walking up or down the stairs to get into the peanut butter jar or have left overs from dinner makes this fact very real. For this, I am thankful. And since I burn very few calories right now, I am not hungry a lot. Thirsty, yes cuz it's summer in Colorado, but not hungry.
I should go. I am trying to cook simple meals each night now, though I still need a fair amount of help from Max. He might be a hormonal teenager, but I will tell you that he IS such a cool person. Which you all know anyway:)
Until next time, my love to you all.
xo
SLC
These past few weeks have elicited a variety of emotional experiences and mental provocation. I am not really sure where to begin in terms of processing much of this, but I suppose as is standard Sarah behavior, I'll just jump in and tackle it one thing at a time while multi-tasking the rest.
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Matt:
Many of you know Matt or have heard me reference him conversation, blog or otherwise. Matt is one of my closest friends and all though the relationship between us has had it's bumpy moments, it's always been a friendship based on laughter and a unique bond that I've not shared with many other people.
In recent months, Matt has been battling a number of serious health problems including major surgery which involved the removal of a kidney and the tumor surrounding it and his adrenal gland. In the past two weeks his condition worsened significantly, then improved slightly only to worsen again. In the name of privacy, I won't go into to much detail but I can tell you that these are the times in life that you must be prepared for a middle of the night phone call at any time indicating that you need to get down to the hospital immediately. There have been many tears shed, night sat up worrying and a number of other questions, frustrations and concerns that arise when you are helplessly watching someone you love fight for his life.
I will see him Thursday, and do my best not to cry in front of him and put on my happiest Tree Fruit face and then come home and sob. This experience with Matt has prompted some deep thought about who I am and wondering if I am truly living my life's purpose. Not just because witnessing struggle of this kind triggers this naturally within us on the human level, but also because this isn't even close to the first time I've walked this mile, nor I suspect will it be the last. It cannot be. People get sick, get in car accidents, can't take any more and self destruct. And I can't help but feel that this life is teaching me about that brutality and how to manage it without loosing myself in the process. In my own voice, I can hear the words of someone how knows how to manage crisis, pain, suffering. Sometimes I wonder if I am to be doing more with that ability, giving back more? I don't know...
All I do know is that right now, this isn't about me, it's about Matt and supporting his friends and family to the best of my ability, which isn't at all easy because there is a certain amount of tension and conflict that naturally arises during these times because people want to be angry and blame and find distractions. It all feels to big.
In the meantime, I have started a campaign of intentional positive thought and love in Matt's direction. I believe in the power of love and asking for guidance and assistance.
Max:
Kids have impeccable timing. Seriously. There must be this internal radar that when it's time, the alarm is sounded and it's time to start acting out. Perhaps it's the "I am uncomfortable but I am not sure why so I am going to do something to get your attention so I know you are still here for me." alarm.
Or maybe it's the "Your not paying me the attention I think I am entitled to and therefore you are a sucky mom, so I think I'll do so something get your attention so I know you are still here for me." alarm.
Or, it could be simply be the "My hormones are raging and I don't know how I feel about a lot of things but I definitely know when I am not getting what I want so I'll act like a jerk until I DO get what I want, but you'd better still be there for me even if I act like I hate you." alarm.
All I know is that it is like clock work that this kid instinctively knows when I am juggling one too many balls and he loves to throw a bowling pin in there just to make it that much more interesting. I am kidding, I highly doubt it's intentional, but I do notice that when I am managing big stuff Max tends to act out. I think it's mostly that he feels my attention diverted otherwise. Max may be a 16 year old man-child, but there is no doubt in my mind that he still believes the entire world revolves around him and I think Max is far more sensitive to the reality of life then most kids his age, but he still wants most, if not ALL of my attention. Sometimes I think it's very lucky for him that he never had a sibling, other times I think if he HAD had a sibling, he'd likely be less needy.
Regardless of the reason WHY the kid acts out, he does and he did a doosey this time. School suspension for fighting. WOOOPSIES! Apparently some kid came up and tried to smoosh a piece of carrot cake in Max's face and Max went bollistic and punched the kid in the nose, complete with blood/black eye and all. Grrrrreeeeaaaaaaaat. Understand that we live in Jefferson County Colorado. We all know that what happened at Columbine was truly horrific and there is no doubt in my mind about why the school district made the choices that they made. There was no choice and what this means is that there is a ZERO tolerance policy toward violence amongst students, any forms of violence or threats and that leaves things like punching a kid in the nose totally out of the question. No matter WHAT, it's not an option unless you want to face the consequences. Argue all you want about the policy (and trust me, I've heard more than my share of reactions to Max's suspension from friends) but it is what it is. It IS the policy in no uncertain terms. Max knows that. ALL kids in this school district know that, it's not a big secret trust me. So, while I've heard the argument that maybe the kid deserved it (over a piece of cake? hrrrmmm, that is suspect to me but I am not a 16 year old boy with an image to uphold and raging hormones) or that this is ridiculous, that kids fight and so on and so forth the fact is that Max made a choice that will ultimately affect him a good portion of this school year. He is on suspension from the soccer team. That's a negative. He will get behind in school work and have to work twice as hard from the very get go of the year to catch up. Which, is exactly what Max DOES NOT need, I assure you. And finally, he now has a reputation which subjects him to more of this nonsense.
Don't even get me started on Max's totally smug attitude about the whole thing either. Acting as if he was completely entitled to pop some kid in the face and practically break the poor kids nose over a piece of freaking carrot cake. When I responded by grounding him for one week for each day he was suspended, he acted as if I was over reacting totally and like he didn't even give a shit at all. Basically challenging me, daring me to go any further with it. As soon as I saw that look on his face, I knew exactly what it was and decided to stop talking and let his actions and choices work themselves out and I stated terms of his discipline clearly and that was the end of it from me. By day 3 of being grounded, he was whinning about when he was going to have privileges back and acting as if I'd really gone to far this time. I told him we'd revisit the situation this coming Thursday, one week into the whole ordeal. Stomp stomp stomp slam goes the bedroom door.
Ahhhhh, the joys of motherhood. I wouldn't trade this kid for anything, he keeps it to interesting! Luckily, I am able to have slight sense of humor about the whole thing. I find myself giggling about it all in private. Why does mother nature make this whole teenager/parent experience so obtrusive and difficult for all parties? I will tell you this, I know I've grown as a parent significantly in the past several months. It's like Max and I went from mother and boy to mother and man-child in an instant. My accident and the circumstances surrounding it I know was part of that and the fact that he's also growing up, and I mean UP UP UP in the literal sense, but also he's becoming a man very quickly and I have no choice but to respond to that accordingly. It's strange that the more I see him becoming his own person, the more I see him making his choices knowing full well that now those choices will become more and more real, I feel less stressed out about managing it all and therefore, able to be more of a guiding force rather than the hard core disciplinarian. I feel much less of an urge to try and control it. Though, obviously I had to do SOMETHING about the whole school suspension, that's my job is to let him know when it's not ok. But, I sense a real shift in how I managed this situation now versus how I might have handled it a year ago. Kids, they are truly an indicator of progress on all levels. To bad we have to experiment on them to figure stuff out.
Broken Femurs & Ankle Aches
I am healing well, I can't complain at all other then that I am beginning to feel impatient with my progress. Right now, I am hobbling around and ever so slightly putting a little bit of weight on my boot. The boot makes it a little easier, but it's going to be a few more weeks before I am actually walking without the crutches. My leg looks alien from the knee down on the right side. Thin, a funky color/texture and it's hard to ignore the glaring 6 inch incision (that is still totally scabbed up) running vertically up and down my ankle. I long for the day when that incision is simply a shiny pink scar that will serve as a reminder of many things, too many to even list here.
One strange side effect of this whole situation are the dreams. Dreams of falling and breaking my left leg, the searing pain, the humiliation and fear. Dreams of my current injury never totally healing and walking around with a cast or a boot or an scabbed up incision for ever, complete with peoples stares and questioning glances. Dreams where my ankles roll up under me (like this one would often before the surgery) and me just acting like it's fine, don't worry. Dreams tell us so much about our fears and what's lying just underneath the surface. It's hard to ignore them, though sometimes I'd rather they weren't SO brutally honest. Damn them.
On this front, I just continue to plod along, slowly slowly slowly. But getting there, one day at a time.
Friendships, Relationships & The Transitions That Occur Within Them
There have been some fundamental shifts in both old and new friendships/relationships in recent months.
First and foremost, the change between my mother and I is noteworthy. She has been my rock through this experience, giving me the support and attention that only mothers can, especially during the first month or so after my surgery. This experience has bridged a gap between us and I am grateful for that. She really stepped up to the plate and frankly, surprised us all. It worked out for her as well, she has been in between jobs and it was summer time so getting down the mountain was a non issue. I also know that this was something she may have needed to do for her own sense of healing, the opportunity to mother me. It's been a long, long time since I've needed someone in such a basic way and while I think I've needed her before, this may have been the first time it was tangible to her. Or maybe it was the first she was able to do anything about it really.
However, I will say this....I am not at all used to this new interaction between us. I am not used to talking with her every day and I will say that I feel the need to let her know that I need a little space. I think I have sent that message and she is respecting it, which is great and appreciated. I can tell that we have yet another transition to explore between us based on the fact that my need is less intense now, that we now must begin developing a relationship around something besides my injury. I wondered the other day if that is really possible, but I am willing to take this as an opportunity to explore that possibility totally.
On another note, I had met someone of interest before leaving for Washington. We talked and texted basically through this whole situation, until after my surgery and then he would do nice things like bring dinner over and hang out and watch a movie with me. Or bring flowers, his guitar and just sit with me for the afternoon. He really has been very sweet to me and it's been nice to have a little adult male company while I've been sort of dealing with all this other big stuff in my life, it was nice to share that passion for music and talk about everything BUT this other big stuff in my life and his as well.
Then, suddenly the opportunity came up for him to move up to the mountains and work at a local ski resort for the winter until next spring when he's supposed to go back to school. I was really excited for him. I knew he was unhappy with his living situation in Denver (sloppy roommate who chain smokes, ew) and wasn't exactly thrilled with his job either as it was basically something to pay the bills until he's done with school. So, I was like DOOD what an amazing opportunity! He was excited too, but I would be lying if I said that both of us were like ummmm okay well I guess this changes things up a little in terms of our "hanging out." Neither of us are in any kind of hurry to get involved romantically, at least not heavily involved...but I know that we enjoyed one anothers company very much and have a tremendous amount in common. It was beginning to get hard to ignore the connection and the chemistry there, but I know we were both trying pretty hard to do so. I will admit, that tension was kind of fun :)
Anyway, obviously he decided to take the job. That really wasn't up for debate, though I know in my heart he struggled with it. Whether he should stay here and maybe get to know this girl more and see where it goes, or take a great job opportunity that ultimately benefits his long term quality of life. I did appreciate that he actually acknowledged that he was disappointed that life got in the way of a possibly budding relationship. I also appreciated that he is mature enough to know that there are times when you HAVE to do what is right for you. Certainly he and I are not on the level in which you would really agonize over such a decision, but I appreciate his thoughtfulness in at least acknowledging how he felt. He's got feelings, wow what a concept!
We agreed to stay in touch and he said he'd come down to visit when he could, but I am not counting on it. I generally find myself to be a little cynical about such things and I don't really know him well enough to predict one way or the other, but again, I appreciate the thought.
Actually, the bottom line is that I appreciate the experience very much. Just meeting someone that I have so much in common with, seeing that I can have a connection with a guy again without it feeling to scary or overwhelming. I am not ready to get out there and date again by any means, I have much to focus on in my life right now without the distraction of "love." But I won't deny that the afternoons and evenings I shared with this person were special and I greatly appreciate him for that, even if I never see him again. It reiterated to me that relationships change and transition, that people come in and out of your life always....and it's a good thing. I can never stop connecting with people, it's just not in who I am and I see no reason to deny it.
Which brings me to my final topic.....
Chance
Many new developments on this front have come to pass, none of which I will list because I no longer have the energy to rehash the detail. What I can tell you is that it is finally, over a year later, almost over. And while I will never, ever forget what I learned, I will some day forgive. Probably not anytime to soon though, my heart has not yet healed and I am comfortable giving it as much time as it needs to do so. I am in no rush, I know it will come with time. But finally, maybe it can be over. We will move by the end of the year, the bike is in the banks possession and I go to bankruptcy court in early October.
Buh bye Chance, I have not much more to say to you then Good Luck. Based on what I've seen these past weeks, you are going to need it.
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This feels like an adequate update. There is more, filing for bankruptcy is pretty damn stress full that's one thing I can tell you. But really, that's it. You don't need all the detail. It's not that interesting.
Other than these things, which as I detail them out seem as big as they've felt to me in the past month, I am reading a lot. I've missed books, how they encourage thought and emotion. I've always read at least a little each night on most nights, but lately, I've been reading whole books in a few days. Partly because I am still not sleeping well which gives adequate time for reading but also because I feel I have the actual energy to do so. Reading prompts thought on my end, to the extent that I often can't books down or must journal on what I am thinking/feeling immediately which then brings me into a whole other method of procesesing that can take hours upon hours. Plus, it keeps me out of the refridgerator. Which actually, you will all be pleased to know that I have managed not to put on any weight. Though, I FEEL flabby and bloated. I cringe at the amount of muscle tone I've probably lost during all this...but I am pleased that I have managed to mostly stay out of the fridge and peanut butter. I will tell you one thing I've learned for sure is that there IS a huge difference between actual hunger and emotional eating, not being able to perform a simple act like walking up or down the stairs to get into the peanut butter jar or have left overs from dinner makes this fact very real. For this, I am thankful. And since I burn very few calories right now, I am not hungry a lot. Thirsty, yes cuz it's summer in Colorado, but not hungry.
I should go. I am trying to cook simple meals each night now, though I still need a fair amount of help from Max. He might be a hormonal teenager, but I will tell you that he IS such a cool person. Which you all know anyway:)
Until next time, my love to you all.
xo
SLC
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