A Shift In The Tide

Something significant has shifted within me, just in these past few days and weeks. I find myself randomly smiling. Joy seems less fleeting. Things don't feel as hard some days.

I am borrowing Crystal's blogg topic and reflecting on what things were like a year ago, but I don't really need to spend too much energy reflecting because the answers are clear and I can sum it up in a few paragraphs.

About a year ago, I had days where I felt I would die. Literally. I had already been experiencing a fairly serious depression with Chance in the moths previous to our separation because I felt trapped, abandoned, deceived and somewhere inside my intuition was trying to break out of the fort I had built over it. Then, the inevitable came and I can tell you that while I wasn't surprised, I was still devastated. Because, the fact is that I had loved this man and there was a lot invested in our relationship on many levels. We were intensely passionate at times, while others I felt like we were strangers. It was very real for me, even though I knew it should end for at least a year before it did and I'd say he is the first man that I loved so madly and made myself totally vulnerable too and this clouded my judgment tremendously. When that vulnerability is betrayed, it hurts and stings and burns through you like a cattle prod.

After the initial shock and he finally moved out (those few weeks were torture), waves of drama passed over me for at least 3 or 4 months afterward. Chance was cold and hateful toward me when we did speak, as if I'd somehow betrayed him. He left me in a terrible predicament one night that about put me over the edge and I found myself screaming at him and he scared me a little and I realized I never wanted to see him again and I didn't. Or speak to him except for once. Then, the bounced checks which ended up costing me and my family thousands of dollars that was never repayed. Confirmation of Chance's affair with a considerably younger woman that someone I trusted and was close to me knew about and kept from me. Chance literally breaking into my house to get Max's XBox that he was supposed to pay Max for and never did. Chance's total lack of acknowledgement of the money he owed me and my family, of coming to get his things, etc...basically completely ignoring any attempts I was making to get things resolved and most importantly, the slow realization of just what my financial reality was and how completely stupid I'd been. Especially, when it became clear that there would be no follow through (again, big surprise) to all of his promises to pay on the bike and help me each month and repay me for the thousands of dollars he had owed me for things like the furniture and my car and other bounced checks that had never been resolved properly.

It took months for the haze that surrounded my mind to begin to lift. In that time I lost and then began gaining weight. I began abusing myself basically, eating total crap, drinking heavily at times, totally isolating myself from everyone and sort of just disappearing. And then I felt nothing. For a long, long time. I floated through days that blurred together and Max started school and some kind of normalcy began to return and I sort of lifted out of the funk. Sort of.

Since, there have been some periodic inflammations of Chance-itis. Christmas brought another round of depression. I was also quiet ill from the damage I'd done to my body and struggling to stay healthy. Gaia's illness and subsequent surgery also brought a bout of rage to the surface. Making the decision to take Kasha to rescue forced me to spend a few days in solitary confinement. Learning of Chance's shenanigans on a motorcycle that isn't even his and literally begging the Universe to make sure he doesn't kill someone on that bike. And finally, foreclosing on the house, that one is still unresolved and will likely follow me for a few months until we actually move. It's pretty difficult to continue to clean up this man's mess and the price I've paid is severe. My closest relationships are wounded, I am wounded and still bleeding profusely in some area's.

Except the difference now is that I'm am on the other side of it all now, that place I knew then WOULD return to me. This moment is what kept me going some days, the knowing that things would get better, I would be happy again, I wouldn't feel like death forever. I'm done with it all and as I sit here and relive this period in my life, there are no tears. There aren't any left. That's the short answer.

The long answer is more that I believe a shift has occurred within me that is notable. My broccoli tells me it may be the beginning of a new phase of forgiveness. Forgiving myself and finding peace and joy in my life again, being a mother to my only son and getting my life back in order is something that seems obtainable now. Another layer of dead skin being shed I suppose and it feels good. Dead skin is irritating and itchy. When it sloughs off, it hurts like a mother. The new, pink skin underneath is exposed, tender and must be protected until it's safe. Certainly a little thicker than it was the year before, but it will likely soften with time and some TLC.

I will wear a band aid for a while. Wrap myself up, find safe warmth and comfort where I can. Find myself again. Certainly this chapter in my life isn't completed yet, there are still outstanding issues in the plot to be resolved. The difference from a year ago is that now, I can nurse my own wounds a bit more effectively. And those wounds don't feel fatal. That part is good too.