I treated myself today at lunch and got the little sampler platter thing from the deli up the street. It costs $5.99 and it has 3 types of cheese, walnuts, grapes and a mini hoagie with some kind of honey drizzled on it that makes a scrumptious base for the before mentioned items all smooshed on top of it. It also comes with a small desert of green apples/strawberries and vanilla yogurt. swooon.

They say that food shouldn't be used to change your mood, but I can't help it. It comes to me both naturally whenever I eat and even when I buy that gluttonous jar of peanut butter that I know will be devoured within 24 hours if it's in my home. And on a Friday such as this, that seems longer then it should considering I'm leaving at 2:30 to face the music, this little treat made me happy and really, what can the harm in that be?

The harm in that is, when you are an instant gratification monger such as myself, it's pretty easy to use food as a crutch rather than as something that should YES be enjoyed, but only in moderation as much as ones body requires for fuel. I've never been able to be that person, who simply only eats when I am hungry. I'm not big on moderation, guess I'm not a very good quitter HA!

Someone told me that once, I shit you not. Years ago when they were trying to quit smoking "I'm not a quitter!" as if it some how implied that this person was fanatically unable to quite ANYTHING and was achieving the utmost success for it, other than the nasty smoking that is.

If I'd never been a smoker, I might make one of those smug comments that some people who never have smoked do like "Just stop!" or "Don't you know how bad that is for you? It's KILLING YOU!"

But I wasn't even tempted, I just thought it was hilarious and filed it away for another day. I understand all to well how hard it is to quite and I assure you, any comments that you friends or family might make aren't going to do anything except make you feel like shit and really, who wants to make their loved ones feel bad on purpose? Not moi.

They say quitting smoking is like quitting heroin. Good gawd that's a horrible thought. I knew a junkie in CA, he lived downstairs in the hotel we lived at for a while with 2 other guys. He was a nice enough guy, but I knew he was messed up. One day I saw him sitting outside on the fire escape just wretching and wretching, I literally thought he was dying, he was kind of green. Sean explained to me that he was detoxing and that people actually do die during heroin withdrawals. Silly Sarah, so youung and naive. I don't see how THAT can be anything like quitting cigarettes, but that's what they say.

I think it's more of folks quitting for the long term, heroin relapse is pretty high I guess as is smoking. Most everyone I know in my own generation has quite umpteen times only to start up again, including myself in little intervals. I was die hard no smoker there for about two years, but now....the weekends creep on me and I have a glass of wine or play video games or talk with Crystal on the phone and that sneaky little bastard practical lights itself and forces me to inhale.

Food and cigarettes, whatya gonna do? My anxiety level has reached it's pique for the day I think. I HATE meeting w/ my attorney and today feels like the big big scary appointment. Once I turn this stuff in and sign some paper work, that's it. It's on. Something about this makes me want to vomit. blech. And then eat and smoke.

Lucky for me, I have some thing very fun to look forward to. One week from now, I'll be in a spa with Crystal & Heather. Doing nothing but.....RELAXING? I won't even know how probably, Crystal will have to talk me down from a few episodes of panic brought on by the residual panic I've been experiencing on a daily basis for over a year now. Nothing like a little fight or flight to get those juices pumping boy....I tell you what!

Till next time, wish me good luck today....