I am taking a quick moment to blog to a) inform everyone of what a wonderful trip we had in WA and b) to also let everyone know that I broke my fibula in 3 places falling down Crystl's stairs (hard wood, socks, bad combo) and have been instructed not to fly for at least another full day, so we won't be back to Colorado until Tuesday, July 1st 2008.
More to come soon, have some great pics and stories to share, but until then I am going to ice the heck out of my shin/ankle and try not to worry to much about what life on crutches for four weeks is going to be like.
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Brought To You By The Letter....YAY!
My vocabulary actually contains a letter "YAY" so it works for me. I doubt I'll be blogging much while out in WA, but I may try to if I can. In the meantime, here's one of my all time favorite songs EVER for your enjoyment:) I heard it on the way in to work, it seemed the whole world was on a mission to bring happiness my way this morning. A favorite song played, the gas station attendant gave me a free iced tea when I paid for my gas and in spite of traffic, it only took me 17 minutes to get to work today. Not a bad deal!
Loves to you all, I shall return.....
Loves to you all, I shall return.....
Friday, June 13, 2008
I treated myself today at lunch and got the little sampler platter thing from the deli up the street. It costs $5.99 and it has 3 types of cheese, walnuts, grapes and a mini hoagie with some kind of honey drizzled on it that makes a scrumptious base for the before mentioned items all smooshed on top of it. It also comes with a small desert of green apples/strawberries and vanilla yogurt. swooon.
They say that food shouldn't be used to change your mood, but I can't help it. It comes to me both naturally whenever I eat and even when I buy that gluttonous jar of peanut butter that I know will be devoured within 24 hours if it's in my home. And on a Friday such as this, that seems longer then it should considering I'm leaving at 2:30 to face the music, this little treat made me happy and really, what can the harm in that be?
The harm in that is, when you are an instant gratification monger such as myself, it's pretty easy to use food as a crutch rather than as something that should YES be enjoyed, but only in moderation as much as ones body requires for fuel. I've never been able to be that person, who simply only eats when I am hungry. I'm not big on moderation, guess I'm not a very good quitter HA!
Someone told me that once, I shit you not. Years ago when they were trying to quit smoking "I'm not a quitter!" as if it some how implied that this person was fanatically unable to quite ANYTHING and was achieving the utmost success for it, other than the nasty smoking that is.
If I'd never been a smoker, I might make one of those smug comments that some people who never have smoked do like "Just stop!" or "Don't you know how bad that is for you? It's KILLING YOU!"
But I wasn't even tempted, I just thought it was hilarious and filed it away for another day. I understand all to well how hard it is to quite and I assure you, any comments that you friends or family might make aren't going to do anything except make you feel like shit and really, who wants to make their loved ones feel bad on purpose? Not moi.
They say quitting smoking is like quitting heroin. Good gawd that's a horrible thought. I knew a junkie in CA, he lived downstairs in the hotel we lived at for a while with 2 other guys. He was a nice enough guy, but I knew he was messed up. One day I saw him sitting outside on the fire escape just wretching and wretching, I literally thought he was dying, he was kind of green. Sean explained to me that he was detoxing and that people actually do die during heroin withdrawals. Silly Sarah, so youung and naive. I don't see how THAT can be anything like quitting cigarettes, but that's what they say.
I think it's more of folks quitting for the long term, heroin relapse is pretty high I guess as is smoking. Most everyone I know in my own generation has quite umpteen times only to start up again, including myself in little intervals. I was die hard no smoker there for about two years, but now....the weekends creep on me and I have a glass of wine or play video games or talk with Crystal on the phone and that sneaky little bastard practical lights itself and forces me to inhale.
Food and cigarettes, whatya gonna do? My anxiety level has reached it's pique for the day I think. I HATE meeting w/ my attorney and today feels like the big big scary appointment. Once I turn this stuff in and sign some paper work, that's it. It's on. Something about this makes me want to vomit. blech. And then eat and smoke.
Lucky for me, I have some thing very fun to look forward to. One week from now, I'll be in a spa with Crystal & Heather. Doing nothing but.....RELAXING? I won't even know how probably, Crystal will have to talk me down from a few episodes of panic brought on by the residual panic I've been experiencing on a daily basis for over a year now. Nothing like a little fight or flight to get those juices pumping boy....I tell you what!
Till next time, wish me good luck today....
They say that food shouldn't be used to change your mood, but I can't help it. It comes to me both naturally whenever I eat and even when I buy that gluttonous jar of peanut butter that I know will be devoured within 24 hours if it's in my home. And on a Friday such as this, that seems longer then it should considering I'm leaving at 2:30 to face the music, this little treat made me happy and really, what can the harm in that be?
The harm in that is, when you are an instant gratification monger such as myself, it's pretty easy to use food as a crutch rather than as something that should YES be enjoyed, but only in moderation as much as ones body requires for fuel. I've never been able to be that person, who simply only eats when I am hungry. I'm not big on moderation, guess I'm not a very good quitter HA!
Someone told me that once, I shit you not. Years ago when they were trying to quit smoking "I'm not a quitter!" as if it some how implied that this person was fanatically unable to quite ANYTHING and was achieving the utmost success for it, other than the nasty smoking that is.
If I'd never been a smoker, I might make one of those smug comments that some people who never have smoked do like "Just stop!" or "Don't you know how bad that is for you? It's KILLING YOU!"
But I wasn't even tempted, I just thought it was hilarious and filed it away for another day. I understand all to well how hard it is to quite and I assure you, any comments that you friends or family might make aren't going to do anything except make you feel like shit and really, who wants to make their loved ones feel bad on purpose? Not moi.
They say quitting smoking is like quitting heroin. Good gawd that's a horrible thought. I knew a junkie in CA, he lived downstairs in the hotel we lived at for a while with 2 other guys. He was a nice enough guy, but I knew he was messed up. One day I saw him sitting outside on the fire escape just wretching and wretching, I literally thought he was dying, he was kind of green. Sean explained to me that he was detoxing and that people actually do die during heroin withdrawals. Silly Sarah, so youung and naive. I don't see how THAT can be anything like quitting cigarettes, but that's what they say.
I think it's more of folks quitting for the long term, heroin relapse is pretty high I guess as is smoking. Most everyone I know in my own generation has quite umpteen times only to start up again, including myself in little intervals. I was die hard no smoker there for about two years, but now....the weekends creep on me and I have a glass of wine or play video games or talk with Crystal on the phone and that sneaky little bastard practical lights itself and forces me to inhale.
Food and cigarettes, whatya gonna do? My anxiety level has reached it's pique for the day I think. I HATE meeting w/ my attorney and today feels like the big big scary appointment. Once I turn this stuff in and sign some paper work, that's it. It's on. Something about this makes me want to vomit. blech. And then eat and smoke.
Lucky for me, I have some thing very fun to look forward to. One week from now, I'll be in a spa with Crystal & Heather. Doing nothing but.....RELAXING? I won't even know how probably, Crystal will have to talk me down from a few episodes of panic brought on by the residual panic I've been experiencing on a daily basis for over a year now. Nothing like a little fight or flight to get those juices pumping boy....I tell you what!
Till next time, wish me good luck today....
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Love Is All Around You
There's a radio station in Colorado called "Jack FM 105.5" which is an all encompessing, "play what we want" type of station. And they, quite literally do play whatever one can think of. I've heard everything from 60's & 70's arena rock, classic rock, 80's/90's everything and even some more recent hip hop and pop classics from the past 8 years. I love it, I feel like I can almost always find something on that station if I've grown tired of everything else and my iPod is at home charging.
Today on that station, I heard "Love Song" by Tesla and my eyes welled up instantly.
I first heard this song on ZRock in 1990 I want to say, or there abouts. It was this horrible quality AM station that you could only listen to between the hours of 10 PM and 6 AM, I could also only get reception if my radio was in the farthest corner of my room, next to the window. I listened religiously, loosing lots of sleep just waiting to hear what was going on in the rock scene. The first time I heard bands like GNR, Metallica, Slayer (ick) and Motley Crue were on that station and I was hooked immediately. They also played all the old Black Sabbath, AC/DC and Led Zeppelin from back in the day so that was a bonus since I was into all that then too. The hair bands hadn't quite been accepted at that point into this more hard core metal, so Poison and the likes were kind of shunned and made fun of. "POSERS!" sigh. That makes me laugh to even say that now. However, someone on that station must've seen some value in Tesla's music, even though they were considerably softer and being played on standard radio pretty regularly. And one night, they played the entire "The Great Radio Controversy" at about 2 in the morning and I recorded it on cassette tape. The sound quality was atrocious, wickedly bad, but it became my tape of the hour and it was in my walkman for quite some time after that first night.
Fast forward about a year, Kristen and I become good friends instantly and music was a way in which we bonded. One night, a little drunk and being bad (sorry whomever is reading this might be offended by that) we went down in her mom's basement and drank and started going through all of our collective tapes. We had at least 10 of the same tapes, including the original "Purple Rain" by Prince and "She Bop" by Cindy Lauper, which by then we'd been hiding from our friends and boyfriends, because that was too uncool at that point. Tesla's "Love Song" came on ZRock at exactly the right moment and we both (again, pretty drunk by this point) began singing this at the top of our lungs. The bond was sealed forever more :)
Ever since, I can tell you that when I hear it I smile. And cry also. Because the irony of this song is that it's one that holds a message I could relate to at 15 years old and again at 20 something and again now at 32. At 15, it was that I was getting over whatever boy at the time I'd decided wasn't cool enough to hang out with "us" then (we were SO shallow it's embarrassing now) at 20 something it just reminded me of that night with Kristen and how much I cherish it and her and now, it's hard for me to ignore this very universal message:
"Love is all around you"
"Love will find it's way back to you"
It's hard for me not to cry over the simplicity of that and how good it feels to hear those words again. I thought I'd lost them. I thought I'd lost that part of me that practically worships the idea of universal love and compassion. Thank you Jack FM! You made my whole day.
Lyrics
Song
Today on that station, I heard "Love Song" by Tesla and my eyes welled up instantly.
I first heard this song on ZRock in 1990 I want to say, or there abouts. It was this horrible quality AM station that you could only listen to between the hours of 10 PM and 6 AM, I could also only get reception if my radio was in the farthest corner of my room, next to the window. I listened religiously, loosing lots of sleep just waiting to hear what was going on in the rock scene. The first time I heard bands like GNR, Metallica, Slayer (ick) and Motley Crue were on that station and I was hooked immediately. They also played all the old Black Sabbath, AC/DC and Led Zeppelin from back in the day so that was a bonus since I was into all that then too. The hair bands hadn't quite been accepted at that point into this more hard core metal, so Poison and the likes were kind of shunned and made fun of. "POSERS!" sigh. That makes me laugh to even say that now. However, someone on that station must've seen some value in Tesla's music, even though they were considerably softer and being played on standard radio pretty regularly. And one night, they played the entire "The Great Radio Controversy" at about 2 in the morning and I recorded it on cassette tape. The sound quality was atrocious, wickedly bad, but it became my tape of the hour and it was in my walkman for quite some time after that first night.
Fast forward about a year, Kristen and I become good friends instantly and music was a way in which we bonded. One night, a little drunk and being bad (sorry whomever is reading this might be offended by that) we went down in her mom's basement and drank and started going through all of our collective tapes. We had at least 10 of the same tapes, including the original "Purple Rain" by Prince and "She Bop" by Cindy Lauper, which by then we'd been hiding from our friends and boyfriends, because that was too uncool at that point. Tesla's "Love Song" came on ZRock at exactly the right moment and we both (again, pretty drunk by this point) began singing this at the top of our lungs. The bond was sealed forever more :)
Ever since, I can tell you that when I hear it I smile. And cry also. Because the irony of this song is that it's one that holds a message I could relate to at 15 years old and again at 20 something and again now at 32. At 15, it was that I was getting over whatever boy at the time I'd decided wasn't cool enough to hang out with "us" then (we were SO shallow it's embarrassing now) at 20 something it just reminded me of that night with Kristen and how much I cherish it and her and now, it's hard for me to ignore this very universal message:
"Love is all around you"
"Love will find it's way back to you"
It's hard for me not to cry over the simplicity of that and how good it feels to hear those words again. I thought I'd lost them. I thought I'd lost that part of me that practically worships the idea of universal love and compassion. Thank you Jack FM! You made my whole day.
Lyrics
Song
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
My Accidental Genius Amazes Even ME!
So, I'm sitting here, coding along and an AH HA moment came up and smacked right upside the head......
We have a 4 day work week/long weekend after we get back from Vacation because it's 4th of July! YEAAAAH BUDDY:)
Damn I'm good!
Xo,
S
PS: I finally was able to listen to Bruce Cockburn with out sobbing and feeling nauseas today. Tears sill, yes....but it's major progress. I'd better slow down, to much at once might confuse me.
We have a 4 day work week/long weekend after we get back from Vacation because it's 4th of July! YEAAAAH BUDDY:)
Damn I'm good!
Xo,
S
PS: I finally was able to listen to Bruce Cockburn with out sobbing and feeling nauseas today. Tears sill, yes....but it's major progress. I'd better slow down, to much at once might confuse me.
Monday, June 09, 2008
OH AND.....
I paid $51.39 for gas this morning. Annnnnnnnnnnd that's just regular, 85 grade....Baby Jetta is supposed to ONLY have 87 or 91 grade. Yeah right, these days my car isn't the only thing getting less quality. Anyone seen how much a loaf of bread costs these days? Max eats at least 2 loaves of bread and 2 gallons of milk each week, it's like $20 a week just to keep him in that. That's twice what it was this time last year.
damn!
damn!
"Controlled" Chaos
Life is slightly chaotic on this end of the universe right now, the lull before the storm has dissapated. The next days before our trip to WA are going to be beyond busy, I may be exhuasted by the time we get there.
I'm finalizing the bankruptcy, which I can tell you is no simple task. Apparently the change in laws has made it substantially more painful for folks to get this thing moving. I have to have this all in my by Friday, which there are still a number of things that have to happen in order to make that happen, primarily getting all my paperwork ducks in a row, which has more to do with me begging my debtors for copies of everything. Most are being helpful, some give me the run around. I spend more time on the phone dealing with this then I ever imagined. It will be a relief to have this thing filed and moving on. Once it's filed, it doesn't mean it's all done, but this is the bulk of it from what I understand.
Everything else is mostly normal, but I think the deadline of the bankruptcy paperwork is making me anxious. It's been like having a second job, seriously!
Oh well, this Friday evening I *should* be able to just breathe and start thinking about getting ready for our trip.
Love to you all, will blogg when time permits.
Xo,
S
I'm finalizing the bankruptcy, which I can tell you is no simple task. Apparently the change in laws has made it substantially more painful for folks to get this thing moving. I have to have this all in my by Friday, which there are still a number of things that have to happen in order to make that happen, primarily getting all my paperwork ducks in a row, which has more to do with me begging my debtors for copies of everything. Most are being helpful, some give me the run around. I spend more time on the phone dealing with this then I ever imagined. It will be a relief to have this thing filed and moving on. Once it's filed, it doesn't mean it's all done, but this is the bulk of it from what I understand.
Everything else is mostly normal, but I think the deadline of the bankruptcy paperwork is making me anxious. It's been like having a second job, seriously!
Oh well, this Friday evening I *should* be able to just breathe and start thinking about getting ready for our trip.
Love to you all, will blogg when time permits.
Xo,
S
Wednesday, June 04, 2008
Whooooopeeeeeeeeeee
Season 3 of Weeds came out today and I just watched the first episode. It is up there on my favorites list with SITC, The Soprano's, Dexter and Boston Legal.
http://www.sho.com/site/weeds/home.do
http://www.sho.com/site/weeds/home.do
Tuesday, June 03, 2008
Monday, June 02, 2008
A Shift In The Tide
Something significant has shifted within me, just in these past few days and weeks. I find myself randomly smiling. Joy seems less fleeting. Things don't feel as hard some days.
I am borrowing Crystal's blogg topic and reflecting on what things were like a year ago, but I don't really need to spend too much energy reflecting because the answers are clear and I can sum it up in a few paragraphs.
About a year ago, I had days where I felt I would die. Literally. I had already been experiencing a fairly serious depression with Chance in the moths previous to our separation because I felt trapped, abandoned, deceived and somewhere inside my intuition was trying to break out of the fort I had built over it. Then, the inevitable came and I can tell you that while I wasn't surprised, I was still devastated. Because, the fact is that I had loved this man and there was a lot invested in our relationship on many levels. We were intensely passionate at times, while others I felt like we were strangers. It was very real for me, even though I knew it should end for at least a year before it did and I'd say he is the first man that I loved so madly and made myself totally vulnerable too and this clouded my judgment tremendously. When that vulnerability is betrayed, it hurts and stings and burns through you like a cattle prod.
After the initial shock and he finally moved out (those few weeks were torture), waves of drama passed over me for at least 3 or 4 months afterward. Chance was cold and hateful toward me when we did speak, as if I'd somehow betrayed him. He left me in a terrible predicament one night that about put me over the edge and I found myself screaming at him and he scared me a little and I realized I never wanted to see him again and I didn't. Or speak to him except for once. Then, the bounced checks which ended up costing me and my family thousands of dollars that was never repayed. Confirmation of Chance's affair with a considerably younger woman that someone I trusted and was close to me knew about and kept from me. Chance literally breaking into my house to get Max's XBox that he was supposed to pay Max for and never did. Chance's total lack of acknowledgement of the money he owed me and my family, of coming to get his things, etc...basically completely ignoring any attempts I was making to get things resolved and most importantly, the slow realization of just what my financial reality was and how completely stupid I'd been. Especially, when it became clear that there would be no follow through (again, big surprise) to all of his promises to pay on the bike and help me each month and repay me for the thousands of dollars he had owed me for things like the furniture and my car and other bounced checks that had never been resolved properly.
It took months for the haze that surrounded my mind to begin to lift. In that time I lost and then began gaining weight. I began abusing myself basically, eating total crap, drinking heavily at times, totally isolating myself from everyone and sort of just disappearing. And then I felt nothing. For a long, long time. I floated through days that blurred together and Max started school and some kind of normalcy began to return and I sort of lifted out of the funk. Sort of.
Since, there have been some periodic inflammations of Chance-itis. Christmas brought another round of depression. I was also quiet ill from the damage I'd done to my body and struggling to stay healthy. Gaia's illness and subsequent surgery also brought a bout of rage to the surface. Making the decision to take Kasha to rescue forced me to spend a few days in solitary confinement. Learning of Chance's shenanigans on a motorcycle that isn't even his and literally begging the Universe to make sure he doesn't kill someone on that bike. And finally, foreclosing on the house, that one is still unresolved and will likely follow me for a few months until we actually move. It's pretty difficult to continue to clean up this man's mess and the price I've paid is severe. My closest relationships are wounded, I am wounded and still bleeding profusely in some area's.
Except the difference now is that I'm am on the other side of it all now, that place I knew then WOULD return to me. This moment is what kept me going some days, the knowing that things would get better, I would be happy again, I wouldn't feel like death forever. I'm done with it all and as I sit here and relive this period in my life, there are no tears. There aren't any left. That's the short answer.
The long answer is more that I believe a shift has occurred within me that is notable. My broccoli tells me it may be the beginning of a new phase of forgiveness. Forgiving myself and finding peace and joy in my life again, being a mother to my only son and getting my life back in order is something that seems obtainable now. Another layer of dead skin being shed I suppose and it feels good. Dead skin is irritating and itchy. When it sloughs off, it hurts like a mother. The new, pink skin underneath is exposed, tender and must be protected until it's safe. Certainly a little thicker than it was the year before, but it will likely soften with time and some TLC.
I will wear a band aid for a while. Wrap myself up, find safe warmth and comfort where I can. Find myself again. Certainly this chapter in my life isn't completed yet, there are still outstanding issues in the plot to be resolved. The difference from a year ago is that now, I can nurse my own wounds a bit more effectively. And those wounds don't feel fatal. That part is good too.
I am borrowing Crystal's blogg topic and reflecting on what things were like a year ago, but I don't really need to spend too much energy reflecting because the answers are clear and I can sum it up in a few paragraphs.
About a year ago, I had days where I felt I would die. Literally. I had already been experiencing a fairly serious depression with Chance in the moths previous to our separation because I felt trapped, abandoned, deceived and somewhere inside my intuition was trying to break out of the fort I had built over it. Then, the inevitable came and I can tell you that while I wasn't surprised, I was still devastated. Because, the fact is that I had loved this man and there was a lot invested in our relationship on many levels. We were intensely passionate at times, while others I felt like we were strangers. It was very real for me, even though I knew it should end for at least a year before it did and I'd say he is the first man that I loved so madly and made myself totally vulnerable too and this clouded my judgment tremendously. When that vulnerability is betrayed, it hurts and stings and burns through you like a cattle prod.
After the initial shock and he finally moved out (those few weeks were torture), waves of drama passed over me for at least 3 or 4 months afterward. Chance was cold and hateful toward me when we did speak, as if I'd somehow betrayed him. He left me in a terrible predicament one night that about put me over the edge and I found myself screaming at him and he scared me a little and I realized I never wanted to see him again and I didn't. Or speak to him except for once. Then, the bounced checks which ended up costing me and my family thousands of dollars that was never repayed. Confirmation of Chance's affair with a considerably younger woman that someone I trusted and was close to me knew about and kept from me. Chance literally breaking into my house to get Max's XBox that he was supposed to pay Max for and never did. Chance's total lack of acknowledgement of the money he owed me and my family, of coming to get his things, etc...basically completely ignoring any attempts I was making to get things resolved and most importantly, the slow realization of just what my financial reality was and how completely stupid I'd been. Especially, when it became clear that there would be no follow through (again, big surprise) to all of his promises to pay on the bike and help me each month and repay me for the thousands of dollars he had owed me for things like the furniture and my car and other bounced checks that had never been resolved properly.
It took months for the haze that surrounded my mind to begin to lift. In that time I lost and then began gaining weight. I began abusing myself basically, eating total crap, drinking heavily at times, totally isolating myself from everyone and sort of just disappearing. And then I felt nothing. For a long, long time. I floated through days that blurred together and Max started school and some kind of normalcy began to return and I sort of lifted out of the funk. Sort of.
Since, there have been some periodic inflammations of Chance-itis. Christmas brought another round of depression. I was also quiet ill from the damage I'd done to my body and struggling to stay healthy. Gaia's illness and subsequent surgery also brought a bout of rage to the surface. Making the decision to take Kasha to rescue forced me to spend a few days in solitary confinement. Learning of Chance's shenanigans on a motorcycle that isn't even his and literally begging the Universe to make sure he doesn't kill someone on that bike. And finally, foreclosing on the house, that one is still unresolved and will likely follow me for a few months until we actually move. It's pretty difficult to continue to clean up this man's mess and the price I've paid is severe. My closest relationships are wounded, I am wounded and still bleeding profusely in some area's.
Except the difference now is that I'm am on the other side of it all now, that place I knew then WOULD return to me. This moment is what kept me going some days, the knowing that things would get better, I would be happy again, I wouldn't feel like death forever. I'm done with it all and as I sit here and relive this period in my life, there are no tears. There aren't any left. That's the short answer.
The long answer is more that I believe a shift has occurred within me that is notable. My broccoli tells me it may be the beginning of a new phase of forgiveness. Forgiving myself and finding peace and joy in my life again, being a mother to my only son and getting my life back in order is something that seems obtainable now. Another layer of dead skin being shed I suppose and it feels good. Dead skin is irritating and itchy. When it sloughs off, it hurts like a mother. The new, pink skin underneath is exposed, tender and must be protected until it's safe. Certainly a little thicker than it was the year before, but it will likely soften with time and some TLC.
I will wear a band aid for a while. Wrap myself up, find safe warmth and comfort where I can. Find myself again. Certainly this chapter in my life isn't completed yet, there are still outstanding issues in the plot to be resolved. The difference from a year ago is that now, I can nurse my own wounds a bit more effectively. And those wounds don't feel fatal. That part is good too.
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