Grocery Shopping Day...arghghghghg

It's an overcast and rather chilly morning here, it's very cloudy outside my window here at work which means that most likely there is weather coming in from the North. Apparently we have a cool front moving in with snow showers off and on for the next week, we so desperately need the moisture. It's always a little depressing to me when Colorado winter comes and goes and we've had minimal snow fall. Not only out of fears for summer drought but also that the landscape itself seems so sullen, everything is hibernating and there is no snow to blanket the Earth until Spring. Hopefully, these next few days will bring a little white to our remaining winter months.

I have yet to wipe the sleep from my eyes this morning and I am now waiting for my green tea to cool so I can get the morning started. The drive in was normal, I expect the drive home slower. I am hoping to get a work out in this evening before we go grocery shopping. Shopping is not exactly my favorite event, I find grocery stores a little obnoxious and I don't like being bombarded with sales tactics. But, it has to be done as there is almost nothing in the refrigerator or cupboards. So after a busy day, I plan to get to the Gym and round up the fellas for a trip to spend a boatload of money on groceries.

Max is on my list at the moment, he has managed to earn himself a full day of in-school detention for harassing another 7th grade girl and throwing her binder (with her house key) in a ditch. Apparently this young lady was practically begging him not to do it and was freaking out about loosing her house key. This was witnessed by a student aide and Max acted fairly heartlessly from what the aide said. Chance made the point that it's probably a little girl that he likes and he was probably just showing off and most likely was not intending to be hurtful. But if this little girl was in tears and making it very clear that her house key was in that binder and she needed it to get into her house later and he STILL did something so cold, I think that's out of line. So does his school apparently, thus the detention. The principal indicated that if Max repeats the behavior, there will be a suspension. What a brat, I could just shake the crap out of him for being so disrespectful and rude. I am pretty sure I did not raise him to treat ANYONE like that, especially a female. Max is generally a pretty wonderful young man, but he does have a streak in him I do not understand. He just doesn't think about his behavior or how it might effect others. I know, I know, he's 13 right? Well, that's a bit of an excuse if you ask me. There are 300 + 11, 12 and 13 year olds in Max's grade. Certainly they are not ALL in detention on a regular basis, so obviously we've got a certain percentage of children who CAN control themselves and keep their hands to themselves. Max isn't one of those children.

Of course, I'd be an idiot to think that Max isn't going to be that kid that challenges everything and tests the boundaries of any opportunity. His is genetically encoded to do so, it is engrained in him in some inherent way. And don't everyone go pointing their fingers at me all at once as let's not forget that his father didn't exactly follow the "rules" either and both sets of Max's grandparents did their fair share of rebelling. Rebellion breeds rebellion one could easily argue I suppose. Doesn't mean it's a whole lot of fun to deal with AND it doesn't mean I don't want more for him. I am concerned about him and not all that sure about what to do with him, though mostly I fantasize about planting him on some remote island where he can get through these next several years in a healthy and safe manner. I could come visit him on the days he's not stomping around in a moody mess or speaking hardly a word to me, and when he emerges he will be a well adjusted, educated, adoring son. Yeah right.

After re-reading that last paragraph it did just occur to me that perhaps it is possible to guide Max's rebellions and testing into something positive, if I could just figure out how? I would think it has ALOT to do with my approach, what that would be I am not entirely sure. We all want our kids to succeed and do well, it is a natural aspect of being a parent. But maybe I need to stop doing exactly as I've accused the school system of doing to him all these years...maybe I need to stop trying to fit his ever changing shape into a perfectly square slot. He's not going to be what I want him to be, he must be who HE is going to be and I'm not sure how that works. My mother certainly didn't encourage me to have any sort of sense of self at his age. No one did, no one really cared. Well, there were members of my family that cared but there was only so much they could do. I just want Max to be ok, I don't want him to go the same routes I did. They are hard and painful and frustrating, he has no idea of what he's in for if he continues down this path. His lack of interest and investment in his education is concerning, his lack of accountability for ANYTHING is so frustrating, the way he looks at me when I am trying to talk with him....he is a foreign creature to me at this point.

Couple this with the fact that our house feels overwhelming to me at this moment. There's so much that needs to be done. Organization in the basement, there are walls that need to be repainted and look like shit because of some damage done during the move, the floor in the kitchen needs scrubbing badly, the tile in the bathrooms need scrubbing, the laundry room is a disaster etc...etc.... There are only so many hours in a day and I am only one person, I only have so much energy. Plus, I am forcing the exercise issue for my own sanity and it works out well for me, but this means less gets done around the house and it just sort of piles up. I am met with alot of resistance when I bring up what needs to be done, alot of blank stares and heavy sighing. I am trying to manage an efficient household and I am finding that this means I pretty much have to do it on my own. That is pretty frustrating, but some thing I realize is common. A very long time ago I learned that if you have certain expectations about how things are supposed to be, you'd better be prepared to just do it yourself. Whatever "it" may be.

In spite of my frustrations this morning, I feel very positive and healthy. I suspect this is because I am making more of an effort to care for myself and my own needs. We all KNOW we need to take care of ourselves in order to care for others...but we don't always do it until we are left with no other choice. I have a very busy day at work ahead of me and I am ready to tackle a new development project, something different is always nice. I am also looking forward to a long weekend this coming weekend, you just can't beat a 3 day weekend! Wish it was more common than it is, 2 days hardly ever seems enough time off between work weeks. Maybe some day 3 day weekends will be the norm!

Happy Wednesday all, keep ya head up!