I get it now, soooo many more things are becoming clearer.
You know how something can make sense in your mind, it is logical and is real to you. You can reference it when your brain receives information, you use it to calculate accordingly.
But sometimes, these facts, this knowledge, it does not become concrete until a certain event or thought or emotion brings it to the forefront of your daily experience. At this point, I suppose, you have no other choice but to acknowledge this piece of information as true, and even more so...the gravity of what it means.
Here is the fact: Max, from the very depths of his inner self, wants so very badly to have a relationship with this unknown figure...his Father. He would go to almost any lengths to make it happen and has. He see's me, The Mother, as the one who is withholding The Father from him. Max must satisfy his curiosity with his ideas of what The Father is and will not relent until his thirst has been quenched.
In part, this explains much of his behavior as of the past 6 months or so. So very much. The other part is that he's just 13 and it's really hard to be 13 in a lot of ways. But I've been attributing far too much of his behavior to his age and not taking into account (perhaps out of denial) the reality of this little man's world.
As Max's behavior continues to peak and valley, I am seeing a pattern. As he continues to see counselor's at school, through discussions with friends (his and mine) and as we begin to embark on a path of family and individual therapy, I am able to see so much more than I did several months ago. My heart aches for having these blinders on, that I've been so wrapped up in myself and my life to really be able to see that my son needs me and I am not doing my job as well as I could.
You couple Max's state of mind with the sum of all the unique parts in our current equation and how it is that they got there, and you've got one pretty mixed up little guy. Anyone would be. Let's consider the following:
a) About 2.5 years ago, Dad pops in Max's life after 0 (ZERO) contact with Max since Max can remember.
b) The visits are minimal at best, but they do exist.
c) Since then, Max has started Junior High.
e) Also since then, Mom's life has taken a drastic turn in many ways.
d) Theses changes have been positive and healthier moves, but are changes nonetheless.
f) It's always just been Max and Mom for the most part, enter Chance who Max has expressed to Mom and many others that he thinks is great, but it is a change and Max is no longer the ONLY man in Mom's life, at least not the only man Mom is close to.
g) Mom starts a new job.
h) Everyone picks up and moves into a new house.
I) The stress of the last year, has been high even though everyone has been relatively happy in it all.
j) Clearly, every aspect of the above is going to impact Max tremendously. More than any of us can really know.
I am so angry at myself for being so hard on him as of late, this kid is dealing with the whole gambit of issues and I am not making it any easier on him. This does not excuse his behavior, but it realizing what is going on does make me accountable for mine and how I am approaching things with him.
I am very confident with the direction I am taking with him and the decisions being made about his Father and his Father's side of the family. I will move forward accordingly with child support action, visitation issues and standing my ground about what I believe is to be in Max's best interest. I will be the one to face their anger and accusations, not Max. In case you don't know, his Father's side of the family is so not happy that I am being putting my foot down and going against their desires, they have become increasingly manipulative and inappropriate. It's getting ugly, it could get worse.
At this point though, I must do what ever I can to help Max build a healthy relationship with his Dad. I can only do so much, much of his rests on his Father but I will do what I can to help him through it and if it doesn't go according to the idea Max has built in his head, I will hold him when he is hurting over it. This is a very complicated situation unfortunately, something Max cannot really understand. Court and jurisdiction issues are going to make this process seem like an eternity to him, but I will do my best to encourage written and verbal communications between Max and his Dad in the interim.
As the Dad issue progresses, we will need to continue to work on our relationship as Mom and Kiddo and of course, at some point, the relationship between Chance & Max will build and I think Max does want this with time. I know C will handle it well and I think ultimately they will both find the interaction beneficial. Mom can see many things that can be done differently, one of them being that I could learn to listen more proactively and perhaps learn some communication skills with this "new" Max.
This is only the beginning I think really. But it is where we need to start and I feel hopeful about it. School is also a huge issue obviously, I am not quite sure where that one will go...but it's on the radar screen for sure.
There is already much in the way of progress in this situation, Max is a fantastic individual. He has such a warm heart, he is kind and giving and loves to build relationships and have interactions with others. He is a social being, a little shy I think, but does really enjoy engaging with others. He is also very bright and intuitive, he knows that things aren't as great as they could be between he and I at the moment AND that school is an issue, I think he is willing to work with me to a degree...as much as he is capable of at 13 I suppose.
Anyway, I have a great deal of hope that this Little Man will grow into a healthy Big Man...but I do have some shifting of my own mentality to do about what it means to be the parent. I suspect it is going to be a test of patience unlike I've ever known, but he is worth it...he is everything to me and I, like every other Mother on the planet, only want him to be happy, healthy and safe. Let's all pray he stays that way.
Monday, February 27, 2006
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
Wanton Wednesday's
Wanton
Wanton, a.
1. Wandering or roving in gaiety or sport; sportive; frolicsome; darting aside, or one way and the other.
2. Moving or flying loosely; playing in the wind.
3. Wandering from moral rectitude; licentious; dissolute; indulging in sensuality without restraint.
4. More appropriately, deviating from the rules of chastity; lewd; lustful; lascivious; libidinous.
5. Disposed to unchastity; indicating wantonness. Isaiah 3.
6. Loose; unrestrained; running to excess.
7. Luxuriant; overgrown.
8. Extravagant; as wanton dress.
9. Not regular; not turned or formed with regularity.
Wanton, n.
1. A lewd person; a lascivious man or woman.
2. A trifler; an insignificant flutterer.
3. A word of slight endearment.
Wanton, v,t.
1. To rove and ramble without restraint, rule or limit; to revel; to play loosely.
2. To ramble in lewdness; to play lasciviously.
3. To move briskly and irregularly.
~ Evile Grin ~
Wohahahaaaaaaaaw - this sounds about right on certain days! Tis true, tis true....
Feeling a bit impish and naughty today, I'd say. Started out the morning on not such a great note with some mild bickering and fussing with CMan AND Max, but that's the way it goes when you live with two guys who are generally pretty wonderful, but are naturally resistant, for which I am their favorite target to resist! So with a skip and a hop, I'm off to explore my day and choose not to pout about the sunny hours of my day or propagate the drama of the morning, though I HAVE officially been dubbed a "Drama Queen" so I think I shall don my shiny new crown gloriously and rain drama down across the land, soaking my loyal subjects severely and harshly - buwahaha - take that ya little goobers!
ha. Whew, now doesn't that feel better? Even the Sweet Mango has moments of Wicked Witchyness and she doesn't feel all that guilty about it either....cackle cackle....I'll get you my pretties and your little bratty cat to!
Despite the before mentioned squabbling, I am quite happy and content with life. Chance and I had a wondrous weekend as we celebrated our Valentines Day on Friday night, his ever increasing culinary skills are spoiling me tremendously. We were supposed to go do something together alone and have "us" time, but we essentially fell asleep. I'm not sure what that says...but I'd say it mostly just means we were tired from a long, hard work week. Nonetheless, C was very sweet and made me a happy happy girl - he's a good guy and I think we are very lucky to be in love with each other! We spent the remainder of the weekend eating yet more food, babysitting Evan (aw) and cleaning. Colleen came over for "game night" and we ended up staying focused for a whole 20 minutes before we started playing and talking and giggling. She's a lot of fun and I like her baby a lot too, so that helps:)
In the midst of all the fun, I've managed to throw my back out pretty badly and am quite uncomfortable but am baring it and mostly just ignoring it so I can continue with my happiness. I am sure it's from sleeping on the futon for a few nights in the row with the baby, picking up the baby and all his stuff and not getting exercise for a few days. Danget, I've really been on track with all that...and then I blew it. Hoping to get in a work out tonight before Max and I go to our first committee meeting. We will be volunteering together for http://www.starlight-colorado.org/, working on a scavenger hunt event for this coming June. I am excited about getting involved personally as I miss volunteering tremendously, but am also hoping the experience will be positive for Max in numerous different ways. I think a little hands on community involvement might serve him well at this point. Max has a kind spirit and generous heart and he loves to help, I sense he will find reward even if he doesn't display it externally.
CMan is up for a promotion at his work, which we are all thinking positive thoughts and sending out vibe in that direction. Not only will the be an advance in his career, but it will be one that he'd come upon only a year into his this position. His focus and ability to follow through once he sets his mind on something is quite impressive, he really works hard when it's important. I am so proud of him, I hope it all comes to fruition for him...promotions are extremely reaffirming of ones performance.
Mr. Man should also be starting school in the comings month and has a birthday tomorrow (02/23) so he's got quite a bit of changes occurring, as do we all. Also dinner with C's Mom and Jeff for his birthday! She's such a dear, seems like she's been gone for an eternity. She missed the really frigid cold and snow here, so that parts good...but otherwise, things are about the same as when she left in Colorado. Any who, C seems happy, I like it when he smiles and I've seen more of them since the move.
MJ....awww Little Man, you know, he's doing pretty good over all. I have been discussing with several folks in our lives the idea of putting Max in private or alternative school. He's just not doing well academically in his existing environment, even though he is clearly capable. Much of this shows by the way his grades work out, there are two combinations that ultimately determine the outcome. The teacher and the subject. The two classes in which he has the highest grades currently, are taught by very patient and reasonable teachers that clearly out line their expectations of his behavior and performance, yet maintain a consistent level of flexibility about things like talking with partners, changing seats, allowing Max to move about the classroom if needed,etc...basically the the "right" amount of structure AND liberal policy. Neither of these classes are his favorite subjects, but he is doing well in them. At that point, it all digresses. Max does not respond to arbitrary control or rules, he just doesn't care unless he can logically find a rational point in his own mind for it. Unfortunately, this is how many teachers teach in traditional public schools because it is basically the norm. Thing is, Max is surrounded by good teachers (in spite of what he'd say) and goes to a pretty good school in our district....I just thinks he's got a level of intelligence that's different than (not necessarily higher or better) allot of kids, he learns differently and responds differently.....I'd dare say in some ways he's more mature than many children his age and much less capable than others. Much of this is my fault I now realize, for coddling him and often not being firm in my boundaries with him....in my "Mother's" mind, he's not given me much reason until now to really enforce allot of discipline, he's generally just been a pretty good kid over all. He is still a wonderful person and I adore him more than anyone, but the fact remains that a change must occur in how I am raising him, he's a teenager after all. I do feel confident that we'll work through them together....Chance has been a huge support and though I think they often do not know what to do with one another, the daily interactions are becoming more fluid and comfortable. Max and I will be starting counseling next week, I think this will help us both work through many things. I also think, as we all settle into a routine in our new home, school/work and what not...AND soccer coming up...I think the ups and downs of this past 3 - 6 months will settle into a comfortable existence. A very sweet side note about Little Man: he has grown man feet. I noticed it the other day. Gone are the cute little boy feet, replaced by big huge M.A.N. feet! Probably to support his quickly developing M.A.N. body and voice (~ squeak ~)
Let's see...what else. Oh...the remainder of our furniture will be here this weekend sans the bookshelves. So we've got almost everything now! Woo woo...I can't wait to see it and get it down stairs. I think I will finally feel like I can really nest, this really should be all we need for a while Next will be getting my poor plants repotted and pictures hung with care.
I am supposed to go on the infamous Ladies Night 2006 this Saturday night Kim & Sandy, but no dice as I am beeeeeeeeeeerokedy broke! I'm bummed cuz these are fun, usually about 25 - 50 girls all dolled up and out on the town raising hell - it's a blast!! I'm also bummed as I don't see them much and I appreciate their company tremendously, but I know they'll understand and we'll reschedule. However, Rhi & I have decided that the following weekend after she returns from Seattle will be time for some fun. Since we are all poor these days because we are all trying to make a life for ourselves, this may consist of cheap wine and board games and our house or at "The Bachelor Pad" as Rhi likes to call her place with Sam ha ha ha~ I am looking forward to it, it's been a bit since we got together. Oh yes and speaking of Rhea's trip to Seattle....please do the speed limit woman and stay awake! I can't afford to bail you out of jail! Call if you need me, should have my phone by then.
Other things on my mind: My relationship with Pam is tense right now to say the least. It has been for quite some time, really since last summer's Wisconsin trip and even before hand. I have days where I am tired of caring and others where I want to work it out so we can be friends again. I know we are very different people and I can accept those differences, what I cannot accept is the negativity and manipulations that seem to surround our interactions consistently, it has become increasingly difficult to be respectful and not lash out at her comments, insults and insuiations. It has become increasingly difficult to find the forgiveness and patience in my heart for someone who simply cannot find it within her own heart to appreciate my worth and just be happy for me and all my accomplishments. I could go off on this rant for pages and there are two sides of every story, but there's just alot of unresolved history and a serious clash in belief systems between us. My response to this is to simply avoid conflict or contact really, which certainly won't resolve anything but does keep me from unleashing the harshness that can live within me unto her and causing the World War III to ensue. I am a very happy Mango at this point in my life, happier than I've been in years, I am loved and healthy...I just don't need all that insanity that surrounds that situation.
This proving to be an exciting year already and there is much to come...trips out of town and visits from loved ones, school and summer's acomin'.....how I love those summer nights!!! More updates and info to come.....
~ peace ~
Wanton, a.
1. Wandering or roving in gaiety or sport; sportive; frolicsome; darting aside, or one way and the other.
2. Moving or flying loosely; playing in the wind.
3. Wandering from moral rectitude; licentious; dissolute; indulging in sensuality without restraint.
4. More appropriately, deviating from the rules of chastity; lewd; lustful; lascivious; libidinous.
5. Disposed to unchastity; indicating wantonness. Isaiah 3.
6. Loose; unrestrained; running to excess.
7. Luxuriant; overgrown.
8. Extravagant; as wanton dress.
9. Not regular; not turned or formed with regularity.
Wanton, n.
1. A lewd person; a lascivious man or woman.
2. A trifler; an insignificant flutterer.
3. A word of slight endearment.
Wanton, v,t.
1. To rove and ramble without restraint, rule or limit; to revel; to play loosely.
2. To ramble in lewdness; to play lasciviously.
3. To move briskly and irregularly.
~ Evile Grin ~
Wohahahaaaaaaaaw - this sounds about right on certain days! Tis true, tis true....
Feeling a bit impish and naughty today, I'd say. Started out the morning on not such a great note with some mild bickering and fussing with CMan AND Max, but that's the way it goes when you live with two guys who are generally pretty wonderful, but are naturally resistant, for which I am their favorite target to resist! So with a skip and a hop, I'm off to explore my day and choose not to pout about the sunny hours of my day or propagate the drama of the morning, though I HAVE officially been dubbed a "Drama Queen" so I think I shall don my shiny new crown gloriously and rain drama down across the land, soaking my loyal subjects severely and harshly - buwahaha - take that ya little goobers!
ha. Whew, now doesn't that feel better? Even the Sweet Mango has moments of Wicked Witchyness and she doesn't feel all that guilty about it either....cackle cackle....I'll get you my pretties and your little bratty cat to!
Despite the before mentioned squabbling, I am quite happy and content with life. Chance and I had a wondrous weekend as we celebrated our Valentines Day on Friday night, his ever increasing culinary skills are spoiling me tremendously. We were supposed to go do something together alone and have "us" time, but we essentially fell asleep. I'm not sure what that says...but I'd say it mostly just means we were tired from a long, hard work week. Nonetheless, C was very sweet and made me a happy happy girl - he's a good guy and I think we are very lucky to be in love with each other! We spent the remainder of the weekend eating yet more food, babysitting Evan (aw) and cleaning. Colleen came over for "game night" and we ended up staying focused for a whole 20 minutes before we started playing and talking and giggling. She's a lot of fun and I like her baby a lot too, so that helps:)
In the midst of all the fun, I've managed to throw my back out pretty badly and am quite uncomfortable but am baring it and mostly just ignoring it so I can continue with my happiness. I am sure it's from sleeping on the futon for a few nights in the row with the baby, picking up the baby and all his stuff and not getting exercise for a few days. Danget, I've really been on track with all that...and then I blew it. Hoping to get in a work out tonight before Max and I go to our first committee meeting. We will be volunteering together for http://www.starlight-colorado.org/, working on a scavenger hunt event for this coming June. I am excited about getting involved personally as I miss volunteering tremendously, but am also hoping the experience will be positive for Max in numerous different ways. I think a little hands on community involvement might serve him well at this point. Max has a kind spirit and generous heart and he loves to help, I sense he will find reward even if he doesn't display it externally.
CMan is up for a promotion at his work, which we are all thinking positive thoughts and sending out vibe in that direction. Not only will the be an advance in his career, but it will be one that he'd come upon only a year into his this position. His focus and ability to follow through once he sets his mind on something is quite impressive, he really works hard when it's important. I am so proud of him, I hope it all comes to fruition for him...promotions are extremely reaffirming of ones performance.
Mr. Man should also be starting school in the comings month and has a birthday tomorrow (02/23) so he's got quite a bit of changes occurring, as do we all. Also dinner with C's Mom and Jeff for his birthday! She's such a dear, seems like she's been gone for an eternity. She missed the really frigid cold and snow here, so that parts good...but otherwise, things are about the same as when she left in Colorado. Any who, C seems happy, I like it when he smiles and I've seen more of them since the move.
MJ....awww Little Man, you know, he's doing pretty good over all. I have been discussing with several folks in our lives the idea of putting Max in private or alternative school. He's just not doing well academically in his existing environment, even though he is clearly capable. Much of this shows by the way his grades work out, there are two combinations that ultimately determine the outcome. The teacher and the subject. The two classes in which he has the highest grades currently, are taught by very patient and reasonable teachers that clearly out line their expectations of his behavior and performance, yet maintain a consistent level of flexibility about things like talking with partners, changing seats, allowing Max to move about the classroom if needed,etc...basically the the "right" amount of structure AND liberal policy. Neither of these classes are his favorite subjects, but he is doing well in them. At that point, it all digresses. Max does not respond to arbitrary control or rules, he just doesn't care unless he can logically find a rational point in his own mind for it. Unfortunately, this is how many teachers teach in traditional public schools because it is basically the norm. Thing is, Max is surrounded by good teachers (in spite of what he'd say) and goes to a pretty good school in our district....I just thinks he's got a level of intelligence that's different than (not necessarily higher or better) allot of kids, he learns differently and responds differently.....I'd dare say in some ways he's more mature than many children his age and much less capable than others. Much of this is my fault I now realize, for coddling him and often not being firm in my boundaries with him....in my "Mother's" mind, he's not given me much reason until now to really enforce allot of discipline, he's generally just been a pretty good kid over all. He is still a wonderful person and I adore him more than anyone, but the fact remains that a change must occur in how I am raising him, he's a teenager after all. I do feel confident that we'll work through them together....Chance has been a huge support and though I think they often do not know what to do with one another, the daily interactions are becoming more fluid and comfortable. Max and I will be starting counseling next week, I think this will help us both work through many things. I also think, as we all settle into a routine in our new home, school/work and what not...AND soccer coming up...I think the ups and downs of this past 3 - 6 months will settle into a comfortable existence. A very sweet side note about Little Man: he has grown man feet. I noticed it the other day. Gone are the cute little boy feet, replaced by big huge M.A.N. feet! Probably to support his quickly developing M.A.N. body and voice (~ squeak ~)
Let's see...what else. Oh...the remainder of our furniture will be here this weekend sans the bookshelves. So we've got almost everything now! Woo woo...I can't wait to see it and get it down stairs. I think I will finally feel like I can really nest, this really should be all we need for a while Next will be getting my poor plants repotted and pictures hung with care.
I am supposed to go on the infamous Ladies Night 2006 this Saturday night Kim & Sandy, but no dice as I am beeeeeeeeeeerokedy broke! I'm bummed cuz these are fun, usually about 25 - 50 girls all dolled up and out on the town raising hell - it's a blast!! I'm also bummed as I don't see them much and I appreciate their company tremendously, but I know they'll understand and we'll reschedule. However, Rhi & I have decided that the following weekend after she returns from Seattle will be time for some fun. Since we are all poor these days because we are all trying to make a life for ourselves, this may consist of cheap wine and board games and our house or at "The Bachelor Pad" as Rhi likes to call her place with Sam ha ha ha~ I am looking forward to it, it's been a bit since we got together. Oh yes and speaking of Rhea's trip to Seattle....please do the speed limit woman and stay awake! I can't afford to bail you out of jail! Call if you need me, should have my phone by then.
Other things on my mind: My relationship with Pam is tense right now to say the least. It has been for quite some time, really since last summer's Wisconsin trip and even before hand. I have days where I am tired of caring and others where I want to work it out so we can be friends again. I know we are very different people and I can accept those differences, what I cannot accept is the negativity and manipulations that seem to surround our interactions consistently, it has become increasingly difficult to be respectful and not lash out at her comments, insults and insuiations. It has become increasingly difficult to find the forgiveness and patience in my heart for someone who simply cannot find it within her own heart to appreciate my worth and just be happy for me and all my accomplishments. I could go off on this rant for pages and there are two sides of every story, but there's just alot of unresolved history and a serious clash in belief systems between us. My response to this is to simply avoid conflict or contact really, which certainly won't resolve anything but does keep me from unleashing the harshness that can live within me unto her and causing the World War III to ensue. I am a very happy Mango at this point in my life, happier than I've been in years, I am loved and healthy...I just don't need all that insanity that surrounds that situation.
This proving to be an exciting year already and there is much to come...trips out of town and visits from loved ones, school and summer's acomin'.....how I love those summer nights!!! More updates and info to come.....
~ peace ~
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
Grocery Shopping Day...arghghghghg
It's an overcast and rather chilly morning here, it's very cloudy outside my window here at work which means that most likely there is weather coming in from the North. Apparently we have a cool front moving in with snow showers off and on for the next week, we so desperately need the moisture. It's always a little depressing to me when Colorado winter comes and goes and we've had minimal snow fall. Not only out of fears for summer drought but also that the landscape itself seems so sullen, everything is hibernating and there is no snow to blanket the Earth until Spring. Hopefully, these next few days will bring a little white to our remaining winter months.
I have yet to wipe the sleep from my eyes this morning and I am now waiting for my green tea to cool so I can get the morning started. The drive in was normal, I expect the drive home slower. I am hoping to get a work out in this evening before we go grocery shopping. Shopping is not exactly my favorite event, I find grocery stores a little obnoxious and I don't like being bombarded with sales tactics. But, it has to be done as there is almost nothing in the refrigerator or cupboards. So after a busy day, I plan to get to the Gym and round up the fellas for a trip to spend a boatload of money on groceries.
Max is on my list at the moment, he has managed to earn himself a full day of in-school detention for harassing another 7th grade girl and throwing her binder (with her house key) in a ditch. Apparently this young lady was practically begging him not to do it and was freaking out about loosing her house key. This was witnessed by a student aide and Max acted fairly heartlessly from what the aide said. Chance made the point that it's probably a little girl that he likes and he was probably just showing off and most likely was not intending to be hurtful. But if this little girl was in tears and making it very clear that her house key was in that binder and she needed it to get into her house later and he STILL did something so cold, I think that's out of line. So does his school apparently, thus the detention. The principal indicated that if Max repeats the behavior, there will be a suspension. What a brat, I could just shake the crap out of him for being so disrespectful and rude. I am pretty sure I did not raise him to treat ANYONE like that, especially a female. Max is generally a pretty wonderful young man, but he does have a streak in him I do not understand. He just doesn't think about his behavior or how it might effect others. I know, I know, he's 13 right? Well, that's a bit of an excuse if you ask me. There are 300 + 11, 12 and 13 year olds in Max's grade. Certainly they are not ALL in detention on a regular basis, so obviously we've got a certain percentage of children who CAN control themselves and keep their hands to themselves. Max isn't one of those children.
Of course, I'd be an idiot to think that Max isn't going to be that kid that challenges everything and tests the boundaries of any opportunity. His is genetically encoded to do so, it is engrained in him in some inherent way. And don't everyone go pointing their fingers at me all at once as let's not forget that his father didn't exactly follow the "rules" either and both sets of Max's grandparents did their fair share of rebelling. Rebellion breeds rebellion one could easily argue I suppose. Doesn't mean it's a whole lot of fun to deal with AND it doesn't mean I don't want more for him. I am concerned about him and not all that sure about what to do with him, though mostly I fantasize about planting him on some remote island where he can get through these next several years in a healthy and safe manner. I could come visit him on the days he's not stomping around in a moody mess or speaking hardly a word to me, and when he emerges he will be a well adjusted, educated, adoring son. Yeah right.
After re-reading that last paragraph it did just occur to me that perhaps it is possible to guide Max's rebellions and testing into something positive, if I could just figure out how? I would think it has ALOT to do with my approach, what that would be I am not entirely sure. We all want our kids to succeed and do well, it is a natural aspect of being a parent. But maybe I need to stop doing exactly as I've accused the school system of doing to him all these years...maybe I need to stop trying to fit his ever changing shape into a perfectly square slot. He's not going to be what I want him to be, he must be who HE is going to be and I'm not sure how that works. My mother certainly didn't encourage me to have any sort of sense of self at his age. No one did, no one really cared. Well, there were members of my family that cared but there was only so much they could do. I just want Max to be ok, I don't want him to go the same routes I did. They are hard and painful and frustrating, he has no idea of what he's in for if he continues down this path. His lack of interest and investment in his education is concerning, his lack of accountability for ANYTHING is so frustrating, the way he looks at me when I am trying to talk with him....he is a foreign creature to me at this point.
Couple this with the fact that our house feels overwhelming to me at this moment. There's so much that needs to be done. Organization in the basement, there are walls that need to be repainted and look like shit because of some damage done during the move, the floor in the kitchen needs scrubbing badly, the tile in the bathrooms need scrubbing, the laundry room is a disaster etc...etc.... There are only so many hours in a day and I am only one person, I only have so much energy. Plus, I am forcing the exercise issue for my own sanity and it works out well for me, but this means less gets done around the house and it just sort of piles up. I am met with alot of resistance when I bring up what needs to be done, alot of blank stares and heavy sighing. I am trying to manage an efficient household and I am finding that this means I pretty much have to do it on my own. That is pretty frustrating, but some thing I realize is common. A very long time ago I learned that if you have certain expectations about how things are supposed to be, you'd better be prepared to just do it yourself. Whatever "it" may be.
In spite of my frustrations this morning, I feel very positive and healthy. I suspect this is because I am making more of an effort to care for myself and my own needs. We all KNOW we need to take care of ourselves in order to care for others...but we don't always do it until we are left with no other choice. I have a very busy day at work ahead of me and I am ready to tackle a new development project, something different is always nice. I am also looking forward to a long weekend this coming weekend, you just can't beat a 3 day weekend! Wish it was more common than it is, 2 days hardly ever seems enough time off between work weeks. Maybe some day 3 day weekends will be the norm!
Happy Wednesday all, keep ya head up!
I have yet to wipe the sleep from my eyes this morning and I am now waiting for my green tea to cool so I can get the morning started. The drive in was normal, I expect the drive home slower. I am hoping to get a work out in this evening before we go grocery shopping. Shopping is not exactly my favorite event, I find grocery stores a little obnoxious and I don't like being bombarded with sales tactics. But, it has to be done as there is almost nothing in the refrigerator or cupboards. So after a busy day, I plan to get to the Gym and round up the fellas for a trip to spend a boatload of money on groceries.
Max is on my list at the moment, he has managed to earn himself a full day of in-school detention for harassing another 7th grade girl and throwing her binder (with her house key) in a ditch. Apparently this young lady was practically begging him not to do it and was freaking out about loosing her house key. This was witnessed by a student aide and Max acted fairly heartlessly from what the aide said. Chance made the point that it's probably a little girl that he likes and he was probably just showing off and most likely was not intending to be hurtful. But if this little girl was in tears and making it very clear that her house key was in that binder and she needed it to get into her house later and he STILL did something so cold, I think that's out of line. So does his school apparently, thus the detention. The principal indicated that if Max repeats the behavior, there will be a suspension. What a brat, I could just shake the crap out of him for being so disrespectful and rude. I am pretty sure I did not raise him to treat ANYONE like that, especially a female. Max is generally a pretty wonderful young man, but he does have a streak in him I do not understand. He just doesn't think about his behavior or how it might effect others. I know, I know, he's 13 right? Well, that's a bit of an excuse if you ask me. There are 300 + 11, 12 and 13 year olds in Max's grade. Certainly they are not ALL in detention on a regular basis, so obviously we've got a certain percentage of children who CAN control themselves and keep their hands to themselves. Max isn't one of those children.
Of course, I'd be an idiot to think that Max isn't going to be that kid that challenges everything and tests the boundaries of any opportunity. His is genetically encoded to do so, it is engrained in him in some inherent way. And don't everyone go pointing their fingers at me all at once as let's not forget that his father didn't exactly follow the "rules" either and both sets of Max's grandparents did their fair share of rebelling. Rebellion breeds rebellion one could easily argue I suppose. Doesn't mean it's a whole lot of fun to deal with AND it doesn't mean I don't want more for him. I am concerned about him and not all that sure about what to do with him, though mostly I fantasize about planting him on some remote island where he can get through these next several years in a healthy and safe manner. I could come visit him on the days he's not stomping around in a moody mess or speaking hardly a word to me, and when he emerges he will be a well adjusted, educated, adoring son. Yeah right.
After re-reading that last paragraph it did just occur to me that perhaps it is possible to guide Max's rebellions and testing into something positive, if I could just figure out how? I would think it has ALOT to do with my approach, what that would be I am not entirely sure. We all want our kids to succeed and do well, it is a natural aspect of being a parent. But maybe I need to stop doing exactly as I've accused the school system of doing to him all these years...maybe I need to stop trying to fit his ever changing shape into a perfectly square slot. He's not going to be what I want him to be, he must be who HE is going to be and I'm not sure how that works. My mother certainly didn't encourage me to have any sort of sense of self at his age. No one did, no one really cared. Well, there were members of my family that cared but there was only so much they could do. I just want Max to be ok, I don't want him to go the same routes I did. They are hard and painful and frustrating, he has no idea of what he's in for if he continues down this path. His lack of interest and investment in his education is concerning, his lack of accountability for ANYTHING is so frustrating, the way he looks at me when I am trying to talk with him....he is a foreign creature to me at this point.
Couple this with the fact that our house feels overwhelming to me at this moment. There's so much that needs to be done. Organization in the basement, there are walls that need to be repainted and look like shit because of some damage done during the move, the floor in the kitchen needs scrubbing badly, the tile in the bathrooms need scrubbing, the laundry room is a disaster etc...etc.... There are only so many hours in a day and I am only one person, I only have so much energy. Plus, I am forcing the exercise issue for my own sanity and it works out well for me, but this means less gets done around the house and it just sort of piles up. I am met with alot of resistance when I bring up what needs to be done, alot of blank stares and heavy sighing. I am trying to manage an efficient household and I am finding that this means I pretty much have to do it on my own. That is pretty frustrating, but some thing I realize is common. A very long time ago I learned that if you have certain expectations about how things are supposed to be, you'd better be prepared to just do it yourself. Whatever "it" may be.
In spite of my frustrations this morning, I feel very positive and healthy. I suspect this is because I am making more of an effort to care for myself and my own needs. We all KNOW we need to take care of ourselves in order to care for others...but we don't always do it until we are left with no other choice. I have a very busy day at work ahead of me and I am ready to tackle a new development project, something different is always nice. I am also looking forward to a long weekend this coming weekend, you just can't beat a 3 day weekend! Wish it was more common than it is, 2 days hardly ever seems enough time off between work weeks. Maybe some day 3 day weekends will be the norm!
Happy Wednesday all, keep ya head up!
Monday, February 13, 2006
Unconditional Love: Loving Others, Loving Ourselves
The concept of unconditional love is one of great interest and curiosity for me and; I am quite sure, I am not the first mind to ponder the emotional logistics of the very idea of what it means to love unconditionally.
I think love, however miraculous, can be a very confusing experience. We experience throughout our lives, varying degrees of love. Emotional love, spiritual love, physical love, intellectual love, etc. Sometimes these many degrees of love vary in temperature, ranging from explosive and passionate to utter detriment and dysfunction. There are also so many different ways to experience love, which we all define differently.
But for however confusing it might be, we all hold great capacity for love. I believe it to be at the intrinsic core of humanity and this is based on how we love one another, within daily life, strangers and best friends alike. We are driven to love one another, to bond, to hold passion and affection and contentment for one another. We thrive when we are supported, loved and nurtured. Thriving promotes success and we are all driven to succeed, or in other words, survive.
As children, we learn first learn how to love from our families. We absorb how our parents love one another or their respective partners if that parental partnership has ceased. We unconsciously takes stock of how our parents, grandparents, siblings, friends and other various sources love one another and how they love us directly. We learn how to give love in return, what it means to hold emotional attachment to another individual. We learn what it means to feel a sense of compassion and connection with someone we love and often, we learn what it means to feel pain and/or disappointment from that source of love.
Many of us also learn a great sense of love for the Earth and all it's inhabitants when we are small and this love is just as sacred and real as the love that two people hold for one another. Unfortunately, I am not convinced that this is widely accepted in our culture, the idea of teaching children to love and respect the Earth in the same way that we teach them to love and respect us as their parents or primary caregivers. My hope is that with time, our children will be highly encouraged to explore their feelings and emotions about the Earth, perhaps this will motivate each generation to care for it more completely?
I believe that our senses, from the moment we are conceived, are flooded with numerous concepts of love and relationships. We are innodated with messages about attachments, relationships, giving and receiving affections, and so on. Some times these interactions are exceptionally complex from their inception and other times, we get just get along well with this person or that person and there is little, if any strife. Though, I've yet to find any one single relationship in my life that does not carry some measure of conflict. I'd say this is also due to the fact that with all of our capacity for love, we also have a great capacity for ego. Besides, conflict resolution is also an important life skill and I think we learn much about this from our relationships with others, at least when we are younger and haven't yet attended our first professional "Conflict Resolution" training:)
So into adulthood, we create bonds and relationships and continue to pursue our biological need for connection. As adults, our need for love transitions in all sorts of different fashions, of which I believe are mostly formed by our attachment and love experiences from our youth. At least initially, how else do we know how to have relationships other than what has already been demonstrated to us? Some of us are very capable of giving and being content within our adult relationships and many of must learn or retrain ourselves to love in a healthy manner for all involved.
I also think that as adults, we can begin to contemplate the idea of unconditional love. Meaning a love that has no specific outcome in mind, it simply is what it is. I think we all crave this and some of us search our whole lives, looking desperately for something we hold within our very selves. I think it is not until we are adults that we can begin exploring the notion that unconditional love is possible. When we are children and very young adults, we are naturally self-absorbed. It takes us all a while to figure out that the Universe, do not in fact, revolved directly around us. For some of us, it is a spiritual journey that begins the internal investigations about what love really means to us, for others it is a union of some sort, for me it was the birth of my son. Loving something else so completely that I would sacrifice anything and everything, knowing that love is what began teaching me and prompted my own internal journey on the subject.
As I've gotten older and my idea's about love, relationships and attachments have evolved, I find myself blooming and able to promote genuine authentic love. Not only for others, but for myself, for life. I'd like to think that I have made the conscious decisions to choose the love that fills me for all things as a path in my spiritual travels. Daily, I am taking time to reflect on this choice and it is beautifully exciting. One subject that does continually present itself to me regarding this topic is "boundaries." How can I love others unconditionally and selflessly without sacrificing my own sense of boundary? I do not believe that unconditional love is giving of yourself to someone, no matter their behavior. But I do believe unconditional love is free of judgment. It is a slippery slope. I struggle with the balance as I know that sometimes, in caring deeply for others, one MUST draw boundaries for the sake of sanity and personal mental health. Allowing others to bring negativity into ones life is not benign, that negativity does have a huge impact. However, I am very invested in the idea that the boundaries drawn are rational, appropriate and fair and not based on personal judgment of another's behaviors/choices OR simply reactionary behaviors. I think we should all be a little more invested in how we love one another, how we treat each other in our daily interactions.
I wonder often about Universal love and how the energies of the world affect our ability to love one another and the Earth. I wonder why my heart can ache in one moment and then filled with such great joy, all in the name of love. I struggle with my attachments for my loved ones as I believe very strongly that attachments can be selfish and needy, co-dependant behavior I wish desperately to avoid. This topic, how I love the world and each unique individual in it is a constant in my mind. I am blessed at this time in my life and I wish to immerse myself in every moment and be able to reflect when I am older about what I've learned.
“The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.”
Thomas Merton
I think love, however miraculous, can be a very confusing experience. We experience throughout our lives, varying degrees of love. Emotional love, spiritual love, physical love, intellectual love, etc. Sometimes these many degrees of love vary in temperature, ranging from explosive and passionate to utter detriment and dysfunction. There are also so many different ways to experience love, which we all define differently.
But for however confusing it might be, we all hold great capacity for love. I believe it to be at the intrinsic core of humanity and this is based on how we love one another, within daily life, strangers and best friends alike. We are driven to love one another, to bond, to hold passion and affection and contentment for one another. We thrive when we are supported, loved and nurtured. Thriving promotes success and we are all driven to succeed, or in other words, survive.
As children, we learn first learn how to love from our families. We absorb how our parents love one another or their respective partners if that parental partnership has ceased. We unconsciously takes stock of how our parents, grandparents, siblings, friends and other various sources love one another and how they love us directly. We learn how to give love in return, what it means to hold emotional attachment to another individual. We learn what it means to feel a sense of compassion and connection with someone we love and often, we learn what it means to feel pain and/or disappointment from that source of love.
Many of us also learn a great sense of love for the Earth and all it's inhabitants when we are small and this love is just as sacred and real as the love that two people hold for one another. Unfortunately, I am not convinced that this is widely accepted in our culture, the idea of teaching children to love and respect the Earth in the same way that we teach them to love and respect us as their parents or primary caregivers. My hope is that with time, our children will be highly encouraged to explore their feelings and emotions about the Earth, perhaps this will motivate each generation to care for it more completely?
I believe that our senses, from the moment we are conceived, are flooded with numerous concepts of love and relationships. We are innodated with messages about attachments, relationships, giving and receiving affections, and so on. Some times these interactions are exceptionally complex from their inception and other times, we get just get along well with this person or that person and there is little, if any strife. Though, I've yet to find any one single relationship in my life that does not carry some measure of conflict. I'd say this is also due to the fact that with all of our capacity for love, we also have a great capacity for ego. Besides, conflict resolution is also an important life skill and I think we learn much about this from our relationships with others, at least when we are younger and haven't yet attended our first professional "Conflict Resolution" training:)
So into adulthood, we create bonds and relationships and continue to pursue our biological need for connection. As adults, our need for love transitions in all sorts of different fashions, of which I believe are mostly formed by our attachment and love experiences from our youth. At least initially, how else do we know how to have relationships other than what has already been demonstrated to us? Some of us are very capable of giving and being content within our adult relationships and many of must learn or retrain ourselves to love in a healthy manner for all involved.
I also think that as adults, we can begin to contemplate the idea of unconditional love. Meaning a love that has no specific outcome in mind, it simply is what it is. I think we all crave this and some of us search our whole lives, looking desperately for something we hold within our very selves. I think it is not until we are adults that we can begin exploring the notion that unconditional love is possible. When we are children and very young adults, we are naturally self-absorbed. It takes us all a while to figure out that the Universe, do not in fact, revolved directly around us. For some of us, it is a spiritual journey that begins the internal investigations about what love really means to us, for others it is a union of some sort, for me it was the birth of my son. Loving something else so completely that I would sacrifice anything and everything, knowing that love is what began teaching me and prompted my own internal journey on the subject.
As I've gotten older and my idea's about love, relationships and attachments have evolved, I find myself blooming and able to promote genuine authentic love. Not only for others, but for myself, for life. I'd like to think that I have made the conscious decisions to choose the love that fills me for all things as a path in my spiritual travels. Daily, I am taking time to reflect on this choice and it is beautifully exciting. One subject that does continually present itself to me regarding this topic is "boundaries." How can I love others unconditionally and selflessly without sacrificing my own sense of boundary? I do not believe that unconditional love is giving of yourself to someone, no matter their behavior. But I do believe unconditional love is free of judgment. It is a slippery slope. I struggle with the balance as I know that sometimes, in caring deeply for others, one MUST draw boundaries for the sake of sanity and personal mental health. Allowing others to bring negativity into ones life is not benign, that negativity does have a huge impact. However, I am very invested in the idea that the boundaries drawn are rational, appropriate and fair and not based on personal judgment of another's behaviors/choices OR simply reactionary behaviors. I think we should all be a little more invested in how we love one another, how we treat each other in our daily interactions.
I wonder often about Universal love and how the energies of the world affect our ability to love one another and the Earth. I wonder why my heart can ache in one moment and then filled with such great joy, all in the name of love. I struggle with my attachments for my loved ones as I believe very strongly that attachments can be selfish and needy, co-dependant behavior I wish desperately to avoid. This topic, how I love the world and each unique individual in it is a constant in my mind. I am blessed at this time in my life and I wish to immerse myself in every moment and be able to reflect when I am older about what I've learned.
“The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.”
Thomas Merton
Monday, February 06, 2006
Monday Moods
Today is a little gloomy, though I generally feel pretty good. I think like everyone, I just have days where I have so much swirling about in my brain I'm not always so sure what to do with it. These are the days when I must ground my energy and reconsider why my heart may feel heavy or my mind filled with worry. Old patterns and cycles, however dysfunctional, have been faithful companions to me and it takes time for those thought processes to be retrained. In the interim, I am pretty good at confusing others in my life, but hopefully they all can continue to find patience and love within themselves.
We had a good weekend, got to show off the new house a little, had some friends over for dinner Saturday evening and Chance made us a delicious meal. It's always a joy to see this group of folks in our lives, like all of our friends they are very special and unique and I enjoy their company tremendously. It was nice to have some down time yesterday. Max and I watched the Superbowl together, not exactly my favorite event on the planet but Mj is 13 and needs someone to do that sort of thing with, I try. It was a pitiful game though, we were disappointed in our Seahawks as we were rooting for them naturally:) Das alright, they can make it up next time. It was their first trip the Big Game, so you can't blame them for being a little nervous. I felt bad for them, it's a good thing I don't play football...I would've been balling my eyes out after the second half.
This weeks plans:
a) Gym Time
Yep, it's time to get back in the habit and start getting my butt to the gym. I know me and once I really get into it, it's easier to make it part of my routine. It's just getting to that place. I am hoping to get in 1.5 - 2 hours in 3 days a week, plus what I do at home and my daily walks at lunch. A few people have pointed out to me how my weight is having an impact on my self-esteem, or how I view my weight I should say, thus how I view myself over all. It's funny because even when I've been thin, I beat the crap out of myself for being "fat." I was NOT fat then, I look at those pictures from my mid 20's and I look pretty hot. I miss those days and that jean size, but have to wrestle with myself about the idea that I may never be a size 8/9/10 again. I'll settle for a 10/11 though! I also have some idea's on why this obsession exists within me in the first place, I think if I spend some time on myself and working on my health the obsessive will become more sane and I will feel more grounded generally. We'll see, any who...I am sure Chance and Max will support me in the venture and if that means I am not around as much in the evenings, I'm not so sure that's a bad thing. A little space seems in order.
b) Post Photos Of The House To My Blogg
The good news is that I know where the digital camera is, but not the power source. As we learned this weekend, we really are still in the midst of unpacking. It seems it might never end. But it sure is a lot of fun and I am happy to finally feel like we have a "home." We went nutso at Bad, Bath & Beyond this weekend. Really, like crazy. But it's so worth it as it's just adding those final touches to certain area's that make all the difference.
c) Dr.s Appointments
Dentist, Eye, OBGYN (NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!)
I'm not a huge fan of any of these doctors, I'd rather just avoid it all together as I am not a shy individual but I despise being uncomfortable. Yes, I am a big baby. How I ever even had a baby in the first place is beyond me and the fact that I can tolerate a tattoo or piercing but flat out refused to get a tetanus shot during my last major owie (about 5 years ago) is completely irrational. Doc made me do it anyway by the way, he totally pulled a guilt trip and reminded me that dying from something awful like tetanus is not nessisity in this day and age. I still gave him every dirty look in the book when the nurse was sticking that thing in my arm and I also made sure he saw that I was crying and totally traumatized. He just laughed at me and gave me a hug...I laughed later at how pouty I'd behaved.
d) Keep Up On The House
I am determined to keep our house in order, laundry, dishes all that crap. It doesn't feel nearly as overwhelming as at the old place. The new place is just easier to keep clean, but still requires effort.
e) Library
I swap books with my friends and family generally, but I am looking forward to a lot more reading time so I'm going to get Max and I down to the library this week and get back in that habit to. We used to go a lot when he was younger, we both like it and it's something we can do together. Not sure how cool that is for a 13 year old, but we'll see.
f) School
Think about school and which class I'd like to take this coming semester, my work reimburses....gotta jump on that!
Doh, I need to get back to work...I have several issues in the queue that need attending and I just got what I needed from our lead developer to get started. Talk to you all soon, much love.
~ peace ~
S
We had a good weekend, got to show off the new house a little, had some friends over for dinner Saturday evening and Chance made us a delicious meal. It's always a joy to see this group of folks in our lives, like all of our friends they are very special and unique and I enjoy their company tremendously. It was nice to have some down time yesterday. Max and I watched the Superbowl together, not exactly my favorite event on the planet but Mj is 13 and needs someone to do that sort of thing with, I try. It was a pitiful game though, we were disappointed in our Seahawks as we were rooting for them naturally:) Das alright, they can make it up next time. It was their first trip the Big Game, so you can't blame them for being a little nervous. I felt bad for them, it's a good thing I don't play football...I would've been balling my eyes out after the second half.
This weeks plans:
a) Gym Time
Yep, it's time to get back in the habit and start getting my butt to the gym. I know me and once I really get into it, it's easier to make it part of my routine. It's just getting to that place. I am hoping to get in 1.5 - 2 hours in 3 days a week, plus what I do at home and my daily walks at lunch. A few people have pointed out to me how my weight is having an impact on my self-esteem, or how I view my weight I should say, thus how I view myself over all. It's funny because even when I've been thin, I beat the crap out of myself for being "fat." I was NOT fat then, I look at those pictures from my mid 20's and I look pretty hot. I miss those days and that jean size, but have to wrestle with myself about the idea that I may never be a size 8/9/10 again. I'll settle for a 10/11 though! I also have some idea's on why this obsession exists within me in the first place, I think if I spend some time on myself and working on my health the obsessive will become more sane and I will feel more grounded generally. We'll see, any who...I am sure Chance and Max will support me in the venture and if that means I am not around as much in the evenings, I'm not so sure that's a bad thing. A little space seems in order.
b) Post Photos Of The House To My Blogg
The good news is that I know where the digital camera is, but not the power source. As we learned this weekend, we really are still in the midst of unpacking. It seems it might never end. But it sure is a lot of fun and I am happy to finally feel like we have a "home." We went nutso at Bad, Bath & Beyond this weekend. Really, like crazy. But it's so worth it as it's just adding those final touches to certain area's that make all the difference.
c) Dr.s Appointments
Dentist, Eye, OBGYN (NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!)
I'm not a huge fan of any of these doctors, I'd rather just avoid it all together as I am not a shy individual but I despise being uncomfortable. Yes, I am a big baby. How I ever even had a baby in the first place is beyond me and the fact that I can tolerate a tattoo or piercing but flat out refused to get a tetanus shot during my last major owie (about 5 years ago) is completely irrational. Doc made me do it anyway by the way, he totally pulled a guilt trip and reminded me that dying from something awful like tetanus is not nessisity in this day and age. I still gave him every dirty look in the book when the nurse was sticking that thing in my arm and I also made sure he saw that I was crying and totally traumatized. He just laughed at me and gave me a hug...I laughed later at how pouty I'd behaved.
d) Keep Up On The House
I am determined to keep our house in order, laundry, dishes all that crap. It doesn't feel nearly as overwhelming as at the old place. The new place is just easier to keep clean, but still requires effort.
e) Library
I swap books with my friends and family generally, but I am looking forward to a lot more reading time so I'm going to get Max and I down to the library this week and get back in that habit to. We used to go a lot when he was younger, we both like it and it's something we can do together. Not sure how cool that is for a 13 year old, but we'll see.
f) School
Think about school and which class I'd like to take this coming semester, my work reimburses....gotta jump on that!
Doh, I need to get back to work...I have several issues in the queue that need attending and I just got what I needed from our lead developer to get started. Talk to you all soon, much love.
~ peace ~
S
Friday, February 03, 2006
Um....yeah.
It's Friday and this feels like THE most unproductive week in history. But I'm not feeling anxious about it, it is what it is.
The furniture situation is laughable. Let me first just say that the increasingly obvious way in which mega corporations seem to hold contempt for product quality and customer service is alarming and frankly, insulting. It's almost as if we shouldn't be surprised that we've received faulty or incomplete product and rude sales personnel for our dollar, our many dollars actually. I would go on a rant but I just don't have the energy and it's really not worth it, again...it is what it is.
We are, however, beginning to fill up the house with our booty (Pirates Lingo for Treasure, Aye Matey!) and each room is beginning to glow with the desired effect. The kitchen table is huge with the leaf, but without it, it's perfect for every day dining. It is a beautiful wood and I love the style, very masculine and weathered looking. The family room furniture is coming together nicely, I am pleased with our choices. We still have to wait until March/April/May for the remainder of our items as everything is on back order. Something we were not told until AFTER our purchases were rung up. That's convenient isn't? Doesn't really matter though as I'd rather wait for what I want then have my second or third choice right away. Really all that's left is new dishes, and we've managed to stock up the house nicely.
I realize this all sounds very materialistic, or perhaps it is I who feels a little greedy in spending money on such things. There is a certain guilt associated with buying things simply because I want them or because they will look "nice" in our house. Then again, there is also a certain satisfaction in it. I've worked hard and I've never had a space to come home to every day that felt sacred and this is what I wish to create. A sacred spot. But people are suffering and life is cruel and I've got so much and I don't always know if I deserve it or not. I become tortured when I think this sort of thing through to thoroughly. One of my favorite lyrics of all time:
"If we have so much why do some people have nothing still?"
Alanis Morissette - These Are The Thoughts Lyrics
Maybe this is why I've started volunteering again, out of guilt or maybe it's just because I miss the work and feeling like I am doing SOME THING instead of sitting idly while so much negative breeds around me. Someday I will be able to reconcile the concept of my own success with the knowledge that so many are struggling and not find guilt. Maybe. In the interim, I will do my best to enjoy the fruits of my labors and be comfortable with my choices.
Our whole household has fallen ill with some crappy cold making it's way through Max's school, that's the way it works. All those little germ monsters running around, infecting one another and they go home and infect their families and their families take it to work and infect everyone there and so and so forth. I am bracing myself because if this is anything like what Max has been dealing with this past week, it doesn't look like too much fun. Chance and I are totally exhausted and this week has seemed very busy, but I couldn't tell you why exactly. We are looking forward to a very quiet weekend, we have some plans with friends but we are looking forward to seeing them as it's been some months since we've all gotten together. Tonight we will wrap up a few things around the house and watch a movie and go to sleep. Max is still not feeling so well so I imagine he'll be fine with this plan.
So much on my mind really, just not the energy to type it up and put it into words which probably says something as I can talk about anything and everything all the time. I really just want to go home and go to sleep, my body is definitely trying to fight this cold and it's wearing me down in the process. So, I'll bid you all ado and until next time, peace and love and cuddly bugs!
PS: P (AKA Mean_Girl) I promise to get on the MeMe's when I can, that sort of thing requires quite a bit of thought and concentration, both of which have escaped me as of late. I DO however, promise to post some pics soon for the gallery and this should make everyone happy:) But I will try, I promise!!!!!!!!!
PPS: I invite everyone to try this http://intelligence-test.net/part1 - my boss sent it on Wednesday, this is the sort of material that gets passed around at my work and we all love it. We ARE nerds!
PPPS: This is sort of how I feel today.....
Note: No kitties were harmed in the making of this blogg.
The furniture situation is laughable. Let me first just say that the increasingly obvious way in which mega corporations seem to hold contempt for product quality and customer service is alarming and frankly, insulting. It's almost as if we shouldn't be surprised that we've received faulty or incomplete product and rude sales personnel for our dollar, our many dollars actually. I would go on a rant but I just don't have the energy and it's really not worth it, again...it is what it is.
We are, however, beginning to fill up the house with our booty (Pirates Lingo for Treasure, Aye Matey!) and each room is beginning to glow with the desired effect. The kitchen table is huge with the leaf, but without it, it's perfect for every day dining. It is a beautiful wood and I love the style, very masculine and weathered looking. The family room furniture is coming together nicely, I am pleased with our choices. We still have to wait until March/April/May for the remainder of our items as everything is on back order. Something we were not told until AFTER our purchases were rung up. That's convenient isn't? Doesn't really matter though as I'd rather wait for what I want then have my second or third choice right away. Really all that's left is new dishes, and we've managed to stock up the house nicely.
I realize this all sounds very materialistic, or perhaps it is I who feels a little greedy in spending money on such things. There is a certain guilt associated with buying things simply because I want them or because they will look "nice" in our house. Then again, there is also a certain satisfaction in it. I've worked hard and I've never had a space to come home to every day that felt sacred and this is what I wish to create. A sacred spot. But people are suffering and life is cruel and I've got so much and I don't always know if I deserve it or not. I become tortured when I think this sort of thing through to thoroughly. One of my favorite lyrics of all time:
"If we have so much why do some people have nothing still?"
Alanis Morissette - These Are The Thoughts Lyrics
Maybe this is why I've started volunteering again, out of guilt or maybe it's just because I miss the work and feeling like I am doing SOME THING instead of sitting idly while so much negative breeds around me. Someday I will be able to reconcile the concept of my own success with the knowledge that so many are struggling and not find guilt. Maybe. In the interim, I will do my best to enjoy the fruits of my labors and be comfortable with my choices.
Our whole household has fallen ill with some crappy cold making it's way through Max's school, that's the way it works. All those little germ monsters running around, infecting one another and they go home and infect their families and their families take it to work and infect everyone there and so and so forth. I am bracing myself because if this is anything like what Max has been dealing with this past week, it doesn't look like too much fun. Chance and I are totally exhausted and this week has seemed very busy, but I couldn't tell you why exactly. We are looking forward to a very quiet weekend, we have some plans with friends but we are looking forward to seeing them as it's been some months since we've all gotten together. Tonight we will wrap up a few things around the house and watch a movie and go to sleep. Max is still not feeling so well so I imagine he'll be fine with this plan.
So much on my mind really, just not the energy to type it up and put it into words which probably says something as I can talk about anything and everything all the time. I really just want to go home and go to sleep, my body is definitely trying to fight this cold and it's wearing me down in the process. So, I'll bid you all ado and until next time, peace and love and cuddly bugs!
PS: P (AKA Mean_Girl) I promise to get on the MeMe's when I can, that sort of thing requires quite a bit of thought and concentration, both of which have escaped me as of late. I DO however, promise to post some pics soon for the gallery and this should make everyone happy:) But I will try, I promise!!!!!!!!!
PPS: I invite everyone to try this http://intelligence-test.net/part1 - my boss sent it on Wednesday, this is the sort of material that gets passed around at my work and we all love it. We ARE nerds!
PPPS: This is sort of how I feel today.....
Note: No kitties were harmed in the making of this blogg.
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