Sigh, someone made ass-coffee again this morning and it's so bitter I can barely stomach it. Is it that hard people? Cripes!
A quick entry, it's been sort of a crazy week.
Monday was one of those days in which the world felt as if it was crashing down on me and I was not coping well with it at all. I learned that making an error in some manner or another does not necessarily mean that one is not worthy of self-respect, success, love or approval. It simply means that I, like everyone else on this planet, am prone to mistakes and just because I make 1 or 15 doesn't mean that I have managed "to completely ruin everything" or that I will be harshly judged and therefore abused in some manner or another. I am not incapable as was suggested all of those years, I am loveable in all my imperfect glory and I will not be abandoned simply because I did something "wrong." I also learned that instead of over-reacting about something I think I might be "in trouble" for and creating grandiose doomsday scenarios about the outcomes of my f*ck ups; perhaps it is time for ME to accept MY faults, move on and take it as a lesson learned. This seems a much healthier approach than the enormous amount of guilt I inflict upon myself every time I fall down.
C has gotten me addicted to Tiger Woods 2005 Pro Golf on XBox. You can customize until your hearts content. My character is a Hottie named Mango76, she's also becoming quite the little golfer. I'm not a naturally competitive person, but this game is a lot of fun and C is fun to play it with:) Lil' Man's ready to take a shot at it. I expect a lot of hooting and hollering over the comings weeks on this one.
Other big news, I am looking at buying a house or condo. We are just getting started on the logistics of it all and I am trying not to jump out of my skin with excitement and feeling a little overwhelmed at the idea that sort of responsibility....it seems to adult and I am not sure when I became one of those, but it's sort of creeping up on me. I keep having visions of hard wood floors and big open spaces, lots of light, a garage to park my Baby Jetta in and hopefully a back yard for my Baby Pug that I will name Poopsie...or something equally annoying to get a rise out of C. ;-P We are having quite a brawl over what sort of dog to get and I have my heart set on a Pug, Black Lab, maybe a Saint Bernard? Or a Husky? Or I English Bulldog? I love them all, I highly doubt I can will myself to contribute to breeding practices I greatly disagree with and we'll end up with a Lil' Pound Puppy but I admit that I would like a Pug very very much. A little black one, that has a big ole back yard to play in and can chase the cats. I also love the idea of an office and of course I want Max to have a lot more space, it would be nice if we had a finished basement so he can be loud and that sort of obnoxious that only teenage boys seems to be. And a big closet to lock him in if nessisity:)
Finally a piece of political news that is so completely encouraging I can hardly stand it. Tom DeLay's indictment. I believe this case will have a domino effect, one which will expose many others whom the majority of the Republican Party has been in bed with. Starting with Ellis and Frist. I think there will be lots of 'scandals' and 'developments' on the going-on's of several departments in Texas and otherwise. Texas, hm...I think that's where my Not-So-Favorite-Wanna-Be-Cowboy likes to vacation. Very interesting, yes? I don't want to get my hopes up that this motion predicts change, but they are anyway.
!!!! Stop Mad Cowboy Disease !!!!
Thursday, September 29, 2005
Sunday, September 25, 2005
Gluey Goodness
I am still learning, but already knew
That we are the sparkly, glitterly glue
Glue that binds us so tight
To the very fabric of all life
One simple gesture can make it all right
For them, we may just exist and 'be'
Exist in the backdrop, The Giving Tree
A special few are capable, some even comfortable
Capable of not only seeing, but comfortabley believing
A womb, open arms, an exceptional smile
Without us, there would be no tomorrow or another mile
Not another beating heart or brilliant mind
Without us, the sun would not shine
And without 'them' WE would no be
We rely on each other in the biology
But it is the warmth of a mother's embrace
A Mango's fruitful taste, nurturing goodness
That makes us vibrant with gorgeous inception
For we are the gift that creates conception
And it wasn't by accident or with ugly vengeance
That we were born unto this green green Earth
With great burden and great great berth
Our hearts may guide us with uneven smiles
Through cold dark days and trying times
But it is our love that sings with lovely chimes
To the warm bond of the tie that does not bind
That we are the sparkly, glitterly glue
Glue that binds us so tight
To the very fabric of all life
One simple gesture can make it all right
For them, we may just exist and 'be'
Exist in the backdrop, The Giving Tree
A special few are capable, some even comfortable
Capable of not only seeing, but comfortabley believing
A womb, open arms, an exceptional smile
Without us, there would be no tomorrow or another mile
Not another beating heart or brilliant mind
Without us, the sun would not shine
And without 'them' WE would no be
We rely on each other in the biology
But it is the warmth of a mother's embrace
A Mango's fruitful taste, nurturing goodness
That makes us vibrant with gorgeous inception
For we are the gift that creates conception
And it wasn't by accident or with ugly vengeance
That we were born unto this green green Earth
With great burden and great great berth
Our hearts may guide us with uneven smiles
Through cold dark days and trying times
But it is our love that sings with lovely chimes
To the warm bond of the tie that does not bind
Friday, September 23, 2005
Friday Morning Random Thoughts
It took more creamer than normal to cream my coffee to it's desired texture and color this morning, this is concerning. This means one of two things, either a) someone made it ass-strong or b) someone made it with the ass-water that comes out of the tap in the Office Kitchen instead of the water cooler...both will make it ass-coffee. But I will drink it either way because I am a coffee junkie and cannot officially start my day without. That and a shower.
There can never be enough salsa in my refrigerator, I like to scoop it up with pretzels...yum. Salty, spicy. Excellent. I think I am going to ask CMom to pick up 5 gallon jug for me during her next Costco visit.
Max's mood swings are interesting, one moment he is smiling and the tone in his voice is pleasant and his normal self, the next he is sulking and hardly speaks. I'm sure it's just as confusing for him as it is for me.
The guy in the cube next to me sleeps half the day, I wonder how he gets away with that? I'm not joking either, I walk by and it's sort of hard NOT to notice...you know? He's a very nice fella, very intelligent. but I don't get how one can sleep during work hours and it not be an issue? Perhaps he and our supervisor have an arrangement? It wouldn't surprise me, while she's not the most communicative supervisor I've had, she is way cool over all. Speaking of which, I've not seen her assertive-managerly personality come out to strong yet, I did last night boy and she's no joke. It was not directed at me, but there was straight up tension in the office and she wasn't even letting people leave until the job got done. I offered to help, she's like...nope, it's their project, they have to finish. I was like allllrighty then, I'll go on back over here to my cube and code away and listen to the music and stay out of it.
I have so much to do, I feel a little overwhelmed by it. Work, clean house, get dr. appointments made, dentist appointments, get Max's saxaphone..loose 20 lbs....etc.etc...buy a house? Yeah, I'm thinking sooner rather than later. I dunno, maybe. I'd like to not have a car payment AND a house payment, but we'll see. It's fun to think about it anyway:)
I really can't complain about a damn thing and I know it, I feel like a selfish little brat when I read over this and then read the stories and articles of world news and events...displaced Katrina survivors and Rita evacuees trying to save themselves and their important possessions, this idiot Roberts Bush appointed, UGH. There is much going on. Sometimes I don't know how to trust and hold love in my heart when I see so much hatred and violence and ignorance. I suppose it to is part of the cycle, working through the internal and external balances. sigh.
Should get to work, got in early for a reason...peace out all.
There can never be enough salsa in my refrigerator, I like to scoop it up with pretzels...yum. Salty, spicy. Excellent. I think I am going to ask CMom to pick up 5 gallon jug for me during her next Costco visit.
Max's mood swings are interesting, one moment he is smiling and the tone in his voice is pleasant and his normal self, the next he is sulking and hardly speaks. I'm sure it's just as confusing for him as it is for me.
The guy in the cube next to me sleeps half the day, I wonder how he gets away with that? I'm not joking either, I walk by and it's sort of hard NOT to notice...you know? He's a very nice fella, very intelligent. but I don't get how one can sleep during work hours and it not be an issue? Perhaps he and our supervisor have an arrangement? It wouldn't surprise me, while she's not the most communicative supervisor I've had, she is way cool over all. Speaking of which, I've not seen her assertive-managerly personality come out to strong yet, I did last night boy and she's no joke. It was not directed at me, but there was straight up tension in the office and she wasn't even letting people leave until the job got done. I offered to help, she's like...nope, it's their project, they have to finish. I was like allllrighty then, I'll go on back over here to my cube and code away and listen to the music and stay out of it.
I have so much to do, I feel a little overwhelmed by it. Work, clean house, get dr. appointments made, dentist appointments, get Max's saxaphone..loose 20 lbs....etc.etc...buy a house? Yeah, I'm thinking sooner rather than later. I dunno, maybe. I'd like to not have a car payment AND a house payment, but we'll see. It's fun to think about it anyway:)
I really can't complain about a damn thing and I know it, I feel like a selfish little brat when I read over this and then read the stories and articles of world news and events...displaced Katrina survivors and Rita evacuees trying to save themselves and their important possessions, this idiot Roberts Bush appointed, UGH. There is much going on. Sometimes I don't know how to trust and hold love in my heart when I see so much hatred and violence and ignorance. I suppose it to is part of the cycle, working through the internal and external balances. sigh.
Should get to work, got in early for a reason...peace out all.
Thursday, September 22, 2005
Autumn Equinox
Today is in celebration of Earth and all she bares to share with us, to honor Demeter and The Muses, Green Man and Hermes.
As the Spring Equinox is a breathe into sleeping spirits and hibernating life, the Fall Equinox is a time of preparation for the cooler months to come. To give thanks for the harvests of the Earth and recognize the need to share and secure the blessings of the Goddess and God during the months known as Winter. To observe and participate in felicitating the cycle of birth, life, death and re-birth.
Autumn often brings a sense of sadness for me, perhaps it is simply the increasingly over-cast skies and my beloved tree's and flowers beginning their own unique cycle. It may be my psyche preparing for knowledge that my body will be forced inside more and more in the coming months or it could be something completely different. Luckily, the impact doesn't last long as Halloween soon approaches (which I seem to enjoy more than the kids these days) and I settle into the loving warmth that is snuggling on the couch under the blankets while it snows and cooking soups and drinking tea's, surrounded by loved ones and four-legged, furry tailed black kittens.
I welcome with open arms the cycles of Mother Earth and feel tears swell in my heart and eyes in my love for Her. My personal blessings are many and I can hardly give thanks for them without acknowledging Her first. I have great hope for the protection, prosperity, security, and health of those in need or harms ways. And wish of harmony and balance for all of us.
Blessed Be.
As the Spring Equinox is a breathe into sleeping spirits and hibernating life, the Fall Equinox is a time of preparation for the cooler months to come. To give thanks for the harvests of the Earth and recognize the need to share and secure the blessings of the Goddess and God during the months known as Winter. To observe and participate in felicitating the cycle of birth, life, death and re-birth.
Autumn often brings a sense of sadness for me, perhaps it is simply the increasingly over-cast skies and my beloved tree's and flowers beginning their own unique cycle. It may be my psyche preparing for knowledge that my body will be forced inside more and more in the coming months or it could be something completely different. Luckily, the impact doesn't last long as Halloween soon approaches (which I seem to enjoy more than the kids these days) and I settle into the loving warmth that is snuggling on the couch under the blankets while it snows and cooking soups and drinking tea's, surrounded by loved ones and four-legged, furry tailed black kittens.
I welcome with open arms the cycles of Mother Earth and feel tears swell in my heart and eyes in my love for Her. My personal blessings are many and I can hardly give thanks for them without acknowledging Her first. I have great hope for the protection, prosperity, security, and health of those in need or harms ways. And wish of harmony and balance for all of us.
Blessed Be.
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
In Spite Of....
It really was a great weekend, really. However, in spite of the warm feelings from the weekend, I am a touch stressed and feeling a little anxious. Mom's who work full time jobs and are soley responsible for the care and nurturing of a 13 year old boy, 1 very needy and whiney control freak client who makes my life hell every 2 weeks or so and a household isn't really allowed to be ill for any extended period of time, or down for a day apparently.
About 6 hours after I submitted my last blogg, I came down with what we believe to be food poisoning. My body didn't want whatever it was that it was bothering it, in there...at all. So it all came up until there was nothing left, until mid morning on Monday. It was violent and uncomfortable and I'm really glad it's over. Luckily, CMan stayed home with me yesterday and took care of me all day. He brought me my favorite ice cream treat, took care of Maxter for the day and bought me medicine for mah achin' belly. Did I mention I really love this guy? Jeesh.
I am still coughing like I've got croup or something from last weeks bug that's been more than a minor irritation in my life and my work has suffered to say the least, it's been hard to focus and concentrate feeling that way all week last week.
Said whiney client has really irritated me today, constantly hashing out hours with my boss...like she doesn't have anything better to do, plus if they don't like how we do things, they really can find someone else to manage their piece of crap application. Good luck finding someone who will touch it! I really want to provide these folks with quality services and support, but there is such a thing as working relationship that needs to be respected on both ends...ah well, N (my boss) handles all that, I just get sick of justifying work that is created because of the clients ignorance and techno-weeniness.
Max is also on my last nerve with his inability to hold himself accountable for his actions, I don't do well with that sort of thing from anyone and it irritates me that he's gotten into this habit of acting like it's everyone else fault when his homework doesn't get turned in or there's an evil plot against him from his educators to give him 0's for ALL of his assignments cuz HE TURNS THEM IN (insert blatant big fat lie here) MOM GAWD!!!! But I realize this is a moment when I must collect myself and my thoughts and be the one to guide him, I cannot expect him to just know it...that's what I am here for, sometimes...I think?
Sigh, all is well...I'm just working it through. I really have nothing more than the average bear to handle, am just having one of those days that is overwhelming. Have some poetry to post soon and have been meaning to blogg my Wisconsin trip...I'll get there eventually I guess:)
About 6 hours after I submitted my last blogg, I came down with what we believe to be food poisoning. My body didn't want whatever it was that it was bothering it, in there...at all. So it all came up until there was nothing left, until mid morning on Monday. It was violent and uncomfortable and I'm really glad it's over. Luckily, CMan stayed home with me yesterday and took care of me all day. He brought me my favorite ice cream treat, took care of Maxter for the day and bought me medicine for mah achin' belly. Did I mention I really love this guy? Jeesh.
I am still coughing like I've got croup or something from last weeks bug that's been more than a minor irritation in my life and my work has suffered to say the least, it's been hard to focus and concentrate feeling that way all week last week.
Said whiney client has really irritated me today, constantly hashing out hours with my boss...like she doesn't have anything better to do, plus if they don't like how we do things, they really can find someone else to manage their piece of crap application. Good luck finding someone who will touch it! I really want to provide these folks with quality services and support, but there is such a thing as working relationship that needs to be respected on both ends...ah well, N (my boss) handles all that, I just get sick of justifying work that is created because of the clients ignorance and techno-weeniness.
Max is also on my last nerve with his inability to hold himself accountable for his actions, I don't do well with that sort of thing from anyone and it irritates me that he's gotten into this habit of acting like it's everyone else fault when his homework doesn't get turned in or there's an evil plot against him from his educators to give him 0's for ALL of his assignments cuz HE TURNS THEM IN (insert blatant big fat lie here) MOM GAWD!!!! But I realize this is a moment when I must collect myself and my thoughts and be the one to guide him, I cannot expect him to just know it...that's what I am here for, sometimes...I think?
Sigh, all is well...I'm just working it through. I really have nothing more than the average bear to handle, am just having one of those days that is overwhelming. Have some poetry to post soon and have been meaning to blogg my Wisconsin trip...I'll get there eventually I guess:)
Sunday, September 18, 2005
Weekend Warriors
We just got done eating dinner, we had fish tacos with Chance's homemade tartar sauce. Kick ass stuff yo! Jessie is diligently cleaning herself on the floor next to me and I am diligently enjoying my last alcoholic beverage of the weekend. And what a weekend it was!
Max and I had been sick all last week and Friday he and I were starting to sort-of feel better, so by the time I got off work I am ready to cut loose a little and relax. CMan thought we should take Maxter out for Crab (Max's fav) and bowling (cuz I'm really getting good at it and Max likes it too!) for his 2nd consecutive weekend of Birthday Festivities. Well, I was in a bit of a foul mood as much as I tried to curb it. I just couldn't turn "Crabby Sarah" off and turn "Go With The Flow, Pretty Mellow For The Most Part Sarah" on. I guess even us Cool Chicks have our moments, eh? Ok, whatever. I was not being very flexible or tolerant. After much to do about nothing, we ended up at the 'Brazilian Cafe' which doesn't have Crab, but does have some of the most delicious food I've eaten in ages. CMan treated us to an incredible meal of totally decadent foods and drink, which I know poor Max sort of struggled though, but being his wonderful self, he enjoyed it to the best of his ability and we then went in search of an open lane at our local bowling alley. To no avail unfortunately, all was full. League night. But, we did grab some movies from Blockbuster and decided just to chill at home.
After Max was fast asleep, CMan and I spent some time enjoying boisterous laughter from some of favorite stand up comedians and settled in for a night of discussion and giggling and warmth. We had one of "those" discussions which I know all couples have, what does this all mean and looking at the bigger picture. I left that discussion knowing that in spite of my occasional frustrations, this man does appreciate and love me and is completely committed. I could not ask for more and I find nothing but joy in this person, he is the one for me. Sure we spat and fiddle and poke fun at one another, but it is all done in love and I've never felt so bonded, like this person truly knows me in a way that few others can or do. Blessed be.
Saturday morning we awoke to face the day and participate in Max's paintball party for his 13th birthday. Let me first just say that I was pleasantly surprised by this experience. I guess it sort of taught me that when a group of men get together and down and dirty, they are not always (ok, a little of Sarah's baggage here) going to act like hedonistic a-holes and I sensed a real comradery amongst all involved. Everyone was there was all about having fun and the organizers/owners of this establishment partake and encourage the fun with great enthusiasm. Admittedly, I have a hard time understanding the appeal of going into a building and shooting one another with little plastic balls filled with paint. Which stings like the dickens if hit in the right place from what I can tell, but I saw something this day that I've never witnessed before. Dudes having dude fun and it gave me a whole new respect for the scenario.
The Birthday Boy, Cousin Owen, Matt, Daniel and Chance all participated in the days events. Max knows all about this, he's done it before and he acted the pro in my eyes. One thing I noticed during the games was how grown up he seems, he is developing man hands and definitely has an aire about him these days. It's pretty neat to witness this transition. He is developing into a little person right before my eyes and I was so proud of him as he was eager to be strategic in his methods and had it all planned out, all the while making sure everyone was having fun and ever being the caretaker if someone was injured. Ok, and a little Mom Glory in the fact that he kept thanking me for a good time, yay me...I somehow managed to make my baby happy!
I was pleased that CMan chose to participate as he was not feeling well (he caught our cold/flu bug) and was having a hard time even functioning really, but he was a trooper and did it for Max. Thanks babe, cool stuff! Matt, poor guy, had a rough time getting there and seemed in a bit agro mood when he first got there but was definitely having fun by the end of it all. Daniel who is always astonishing to me, I am ever amazed at this kiddo. He is such a brave and unique individual and I adore him completely. And Max and Big Man Owen were all over it, completely slimed and ready for more by the end of it all. BTW: There is nothing sanitary or comfortable about paintball. All males walked out with some sort of injury (which proudly had to be displayed and discussed several times over after the fact) and tales to tell about the experience. Not to mention that everything in the paintball arena is greasy an slimy, even the chairs! Paintballs are designed to be bio-degradable Mat informed me, which is why they are so gross. So the paint just eventually fades. I spent a good portion of the afternoon outside, so as not to impede on the fun. I found myself saying "Max, are you ok?" and "OMEGA, are you oK?" to so many of the players so many times that I decided my exit was probably necessary. I don't do well when I see my child being pummeled by ouchie-things, or the men/boys I love with huge welts all over their bodies. Not to mention the exuberant amount of testosterone, which a part of me craves, but the other part of me is just like...."Ok, this girl who has hung out with Frat Boys her whole life is ready to go outside!"
Afterward, boys were starving so we went for all-you-can eat-pizza. I tremendously enjoyed watching these boys all together, eating pizza with excited discussions. CMan and Matt went to play Golf (video game) and Owen & Max went to play pool after everyone was full. CMan and Matt are forever adorable in their competition, which I know is all in fun and I love to throw them both for a loop with it sometimes by playing cheer-leader for one side or the other. Jeez, if I got REALLY excited and started jumping and down, who knows what would happen!!! LOL. Gets their blood pumping! The kind-of little ones were attempting to play pool, Max loves it but it still learning how. Owen is actually a pretty good shot for a 13 year old! I was really touched by Matt's attempts to show Max how to play, to give him some advice. I thought it was really cool how Matt said, quietly like not to embarrass Max, "Max, you want some pointers?" instead of just barging in and acting like he knows everything and giving Max the opportunity to make a decision, I thought it was a very respectful thing to do. The whole pizza thing was very sweet for me, watching the boys I love having a great time and I just sat there drinking water with lemon and enjoying it all.
We came home, CMan was playing with the computer, Owen was helping. Max and I were so tired and Matt was off to have Man-Fun at the big boys club. Saturday was a good day.
This morning, CMan and I got up and were snuggling warmly in bed talking about this and that and the other thing. We were talking about kids, the night before Matt & Chance were talking about how "scary" babies are. "What if I drop the baby!" they both said, almost in unison. I couldn't believe it! You don't just DROP a baby, I know this all sounds sort of weird, guess you had to be there. Especially with these guys, they are some of the most wonderful and compassionate men! I know neither one of these men would ever take a baby lightly and would be loving if given the opportunity, but still, I couldn't help but laugh at them. Silly boys. Like I would ever let either of them drop the baby! Just joking:)
But, I am happy that CMan and I are on the same page about kids. It's not something that's going to happen for us, I mean unless by accident. I think we are both really ok with that, not just as individuals but also as a partnership. CMan loves Max, he is such a gift to us and I am forever amazed how willing he is to take on all that it means to be involved with a Single Mother. He does it with such respect and grace, more than anyone I've ever known, it just sort of fits. Max and I are both profoundly blessed by CMan's love, probably more than he knows and which he gives of so willingly. But CMan also knows that I am probably not going to have any more children, I've been a parent longer then I've been an adult and while I am grateful for every moment I have with my child, I know that if I could, I would've had another one along time ago, now is not the time for either of us and I highly doubt as the both of us push into our 30's, it's is something we will want. And of course, we were discussing what a wonderful father Matt will make if given the opportunity and of course, after he's had his time to play. I watch him with my Boy and am forever pleased that Uncle Mat is part of my Childs life. It sort of just comes naturally for Matt, whether the thinks so or not. He is wonderful with many people, not just my child and I hope he knows he is always welcome in our home. Family is a strange thing, it's not always blood that binds. I know this with many in my life and you know who you are:) Twinkle Twinkle!
Max is loved by so many wonderful people. Sometimes I get freaked about his future, and then look at the male influence he has....Grandfathers, CMan, Bryan, Justin, Matt & Dane...all really outstanding men. And even outside of that, Max is an outstanding individual on his own...sigh. Wow. AND...Consider the female influences...My Goddess! As a mother, I watched my child this weekend and knew that he was going to be ok, he is a being outside of anything I've ever known and probably outside of anything many of the people in his life will ever know, he will make a difference, he will be loved. Not that this will influence his destiny, but this Kid has hope, more than a lot of us has ever had. And I am so happy for the reality of that! Bless us these next several years!
So, I guess out of everything I learned this weekend...which I feel sort of takes away from Max's fun, which is not my intention at all...the men/boys in my life are forever teaching me lessons about love, respect, honor and integrity. Not one of them is a disappointment to me and whether they know it or not, it speaks volumes of my trust and love.
Happy Birthday Max, you are getting to be a Big Guy now and know that I love you and am here for you with every breathe and beyond, but respect your space cuz your doing good stuff with it! Most of luck to you baby, life is short and long at the same time, but Gawd Damn if it isn't beautiful!
Max and I had been sick all last week and Friday he and I were starting to sort-of feel better, so by the time I got off work I am ready to cut loose a little and relax. CMan thought we should take Maxter out for Crab (Max's fav) and bowling (cuz I'm really getting good at it and Max likes it too!) for his 2nd consecutive weekend of Birthday Festivities. Well, I was in a bit of a foul mood as much as I tried to curb it. I just couldn't turn "Crabby Sarah" off and turn "Go With The Flow, Pretty Mellow For The Most Part Sarah" on. I guess even us Cool Chicks have our moments, eh? Ok, whatever. I was not being very flexible or tolerant. After much to do about nothing, we ended up at the 'Brazilian Cafe' which doesn't have Crab, but does have some of the most delicious food I've eaten in ages. CMan treated us to an incredible meal of totally decadent foods and drink, which I know poor Max sort of struggled though, but being his wonderful self, he enjoyed it to the best of his ability and we then went in search of an open lane at our local bowling alley. To no avail unfortunately, all was full. League night. But, we did grab some movies from Blockbuster and decided just to chill at home.
After Max was fast asleep, CMan and I spent some time enjoying boisterous laughter from some of favorite stand up comedians and settled in for a night of discussion and giggling and warmth. We had one of "those" discussions which I know all couples have, what does this all mean and looking at the bigger picture. I left that discussion knowing that in spite of my occasional frustrations, this man does appreciate and love me and is completely committed. I could not ask for more and I find nothing but joy in this person, he is the one for me. Sure we spat and fiddle and poke fun at one another, but it is all done in love and I've never felt so bonded, like this person truly knows me in a way that few others can or do. Blessed be.
Saturday morning we awoke to face the day and participate in Max's paintball party for his 13th birthday. Let me first just say that I was pleasantly surprised by this experience. I guess it sort of taught me that when a group of men get together and down and dirty, they are not always (ok, a little of Sarah's baggage here) going to act like hedonistic a-holes and I sensed a real comradery amongst all involved. Everyone was there was all about having fun and the organizers/owners of this establishment partake and encourage the fun with great enthusiasm. Admittedly, I have a hard time understanding the appeal of going into a building and shooting one another with little plastic balls filled with paint. Which stings like the dickens if hit in the right place from what I can tell, but I saw something this day that I've never witnessed before. Dudes having dude fun and it gave me a whole new respect for the scenario.
The Birthday Boy, Cousin Owen, Matt, Daniel and Chance all participated in the days events. Max knows all about this, he's done it before and he acted the pro in my eyes. One thing I noticed during the games was how grown up he seems, he is developing man hands and definitely has an aire about him these days. It's pretty neat to witness this transition. He is developing into a little person right before my eyes and I was so proud of him as he was eager to be strategic in his methods and had it all planned out, all the while making sure everyone was having fun and ever being the caretaker if someone was injured. Ok, and a little Mom Glory in the fact that he kept thanking me for a good time, yay me...I somehow managed to make my baby happy!
I was pleased that CMan chose to participate as he was not feeling well (he caught our cold/flu bug) and was having a hard time even functioning really, but he was a trooper and did it for Max. Thanks babe, cool stuff! Matt, poor guy, had a rough time getting there and seemed in a bit agro mood when he first got there but was definitely having fun by the end of it all. Daniel who is always astonishing to me, I am ever amazed at this kiddo. He is such a brave and unique individual and I adore him completely. And Max and Big Man Owen were all over it, completely slimed and ready for more by the end of it all. BTW: There is nothing sanitary or comfortable about paintball. All males walked out with some sort of injury (which proudly had to be displayed and discussed several times over after the fact) and tales to tell about the experience. Not to mention that everything in the paintball arena is greasy an slimy, even the chairs! Paintballs are designed to be bio-degradable Mat informed me, which is why they are so gross. So the paint just eventually fades. I spent a good portion of the afternoon outside, so as not to impede on the fun. I found myself saying "Max, are you ok?" and "OMEGA, are you oK?" to so many of the players so many times that I decided my exit was probably necessary. I don't do well when I see my child being pummeled by ouchie-things, or the men/boys I love with huge welts all over their bodies. Not to mention the exuberant amount of testosterone, which a part of me craves, but the other part of me is just like...."Ok, this girl who has hung out with Frat Boys her whole life is ready to go outside!"
Afterward, boys were starving so we went for all-you-can eat-pizza. I tremendously enjoyed watching these boys all together, eating pizza with excited discussions. CMan and Matt went to play Golf (video game) and Owen & Max went to play pool after everyone was full. CMan and Matt are forever adorable in their competition, which I know is all in fun and I love to throw them both for a loop with it sometimes by playing cheer-leader for one side or the other. Jeez, if I got REALLY excited and started jumping and down, who knows what would happen!!! LOL. Gets their blood pumping! The kind-of little ones were attempting to play pool, Max loves it but it still learning how. Owen is actually a pretty good shot for a 13 year old! I was really touched by Matt's attempts to show Max how to play, to give him some advice. I thought it was really cool how Matt said, quietly like not to embarrass Max, "Max, you want some pointers?" instead of just barging in and acting like he knows everything and giving Max the opportunity to make a decision, I thought it was a very respectful thing to do. The whole pizza thing was very sweet for me, watching the boys I love having a great time and I just sat there drinking water with lemon and enjoying it all.
We came home, CMan was playing with the computer, Owen was helping. Max and I were so tired and Matt was off to have Man-Fun at the big boys club. Saturday was a good day.
This morning, CMan and I got up and were snuggling warmly in bed talking about this and that and the other thing. We were talking about kids, the night before Matt & Chance were talking about how "scary" babies are. "What if I drop the baby!" they both said, almost in unison. I couldn't believe it! You don't just DROP a baby, I know this all sounds sort of weird, guess you had to be there. Especially with these guys, they are some of the most wonderful and compassionate men! I know neither one of these men would ever take a baby lightly and would be loving if given the opportunity, but still, I couldn't help but laugh at them. Silly boys. Like I would ever let either of them drop the baby! Just joking:)
But, I am happy that CMan and I are on the same page about kids. It's not something that's going to happen for us, I mean unless by accident. I think we are both really ok with that, not just as individuals but also as a partnership. CMan loves Max, he is such a gift to us and I am forever amazed how willing he is to take on all that it means to be involved with a Single Mother. He does it with such respect and grace, more than anyone I've ever known, it just sort of fits. Max and I are both profoundly blessed by CMan's love, probably more than he knows and which he gives of so willingly. But CMan also knows that I am probably not going to have any more children, I've been a parent longer then I've been an adult and while I am grateful for every moment I have with my child, I know that if I could, I would've had another one along time ago, now is not the time for either of us and I highly doubt as the both of us push into our 30's, it's is something we will want. And of course, we were discussing what a wonderful father Matt will make if given the opportunity and of course, after he's had his time to play. I watch him with my Boy and am forever pleased that Uncle Mat is part of my Childs life. It sort of just comes naturally for Matt, whether the thinks so or not. He is wonderful with many people, not just my child and I hope he knows he is always welcome in our home. Family is a strange thing, it's not always blood that binds. I know this with many in my life and you know who you are:) Twinkle Twinkle!
Max is loved by so many wonderful people. Sometimes I get freaked about his future, and then look at the male influence he has....Grandfathers, CMan, Bryan, Justin, Matt & Dane...all really outstanding men. And even outside of that, Max is an outstanding individual on his own...sigh. Wow. AND...Consider the female influences...My Goddess! As a mother, I watched my child this weekend and knew that he was going to be ok, he is a being outside of anything I've ever known and probably outside of anything many of the people in his life will ever know, he will make a difference, he will be loved. Not that this will influence his destiny, but this Kid has hope, more than a lot of us has ever had. And I am so happy for the reality of that! Bless us these next several years!
So, I guess out of everything I learned this weekend...which I feel sort of takes away from Max's fun, which is not my intention at all...the men/boys in my life are forever teaching me lessons about love, respect, honor and integrity. Not one of them is a disappointment to me and whether they know it or not, it speaks volumes of my trust and love.
Happy Birthday Max, you are getting to be a Big Guy now and know that I love you and am here for you with every breathe and beyond, but respect your space cuz your doing good stuff with it! Most of luck to you baby, life is short and long at the same time, but Gawd Damn if it isn't beautiful!
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
Blogg Bog
My blogg has apparently become it's only living, breathing organism that hates me.
The Hitchikers Guide To The Universe - 2005
Marvin: I've been talking to the main computer.
Arthur: And?
Marvin: It hates me.
Woe Is Me
The Hitchikers Guide To The Universe - 2005
Marvin: I've been talking to the main computer.
Arthur: And?
Marvin: It hates me.
Woe Is Me
Monday, September 12, 2005
http://www.34millionfriends.org/
http://www.34millionfriends.org/
Jane Roberts and Lois Abraham established 34 Million Friends of UNFPA in 2002 when the Bush Administration announced they would withhold the $34 million that Congress allocated to UNFPA. Today the total amount of blocked funds stands at over $125 million.
The idea behind this project is to ask 34 million Americans to donate at least $1 and in turn, send a message to our government. As Jane often says, "When the world takes care of women, women take care of the world."
UNFPA helps the most vulnerable women in the world plan their families, give birth safely, and protect themselves from HIV/AIDS. It promotes the rights of women by encouraging equal access to food, education, and healthcare. UNFPA works worldwide to eliminate gender-based violence including female genital mutilation and rape used as weapons of war. Show American support by becoming one of the 34 Million Friends and getting involved. Jane and Lois urge you to find out more about Americans for UNFPA and 34 Million Friends at www.americansforunfpa.org.
Jane Roberts and Lois Abraham established 34 Million Friends of UNFPA in 2002 when the Bush Administration announced they would withhold the $34 million that Congress allocated to UNFPA. Today the total amount of blocked funds stands at over $125 million.
The idea behind this project is to ask 34 million Americans to donate at least $1 and in turn, send a message to our government. As Jane often says, "When the world takes care of women, women take care of the world."
UNFPA helps the most vulnerable women in the world plan their families, give birth safely, and protect themselves from HIV/AIDS. It promotes the rights of women by encouraging equal access to food, education, and healthcare. UNFPA works worldwide to eliminate gender-based violence including female genital mutilation and rape used as weapons of war. Show American support by becoming one of the 34 Million Friends and getting involved. Jane and Lois urge you to find out more about Americans for UNFPA and 34 Million Friends at www.americansforunfpa.org.
Weekends Wonders - 09/12/2005
A hug from my "little" boy, who is now officially 13 makes me smile in a way no one else can see. Even though the Hormone Monster has bitten, I still catch moments of sweetness from him when he thinks no one is looking. Secretly, he still loves me and thinks I'm "ok", even if the rest of the world can't know that for right now. I guess there is a comfort in knowing that the bond created between us through all of these years (which some say the bond between single parents and their children holds an entirely different dynamic then the typical mother/child relationship, with both challenges and many assets) cannot be broken so easily.
Max is loved tremendously and is blessed in ways he cannot fully comprehend right now. I am so happy for all the people in his life who adore him and take the time out to let him know it. Birthday cakes, hugs and well wishing go far. Taking the time to let a kid know that you love them is bigger than simple words may seem.
I am a much better bowler than I remember and enjoy it much more than I ever thought I would, I kicked the guys butts all 3 games. YAY Sarah. I think it might be fun to play more often, we spent $40 total on an entire evening of lots of fun, including a few beers and video games for the "kids." You can't beat good, cheap and fairly clean (sans the bowling shoes) fun!
Some times the people you love are going to hurt you, it is a fact. One can hardly expect complete anonymity from such things, though it always stings a little when it does occur. For the most part, these little snafus in the human condition gone awry are forgivable and easily recognized for what it is, humans being humans. No one is perfect after all, no matter how much he or she may wish to portray him or herself as such and it is also natural that our loved ones may become subject to our suffering and frustrations and own internal pain or doubts. In most cases, these sorts of things are forgivable and something that can be reconciled. Interactions and relationships of all sorts require tolerance, patience and forgiveness. I suppose I am learning this just as much as the next person, but I am an extroverted Aquarius...I spend a lot of time processing everything, listening to my heart and feeling things through. I used to believe this was a curse, I know now it is a blessing when embraced by myself and those around me.
I spend a lot of time working through my fears and insecurities in my dreams, to the point where there are moments when my very dreams become painful. And often, just when I believe I've worked through something nagging at me, a simple comment or suggestion can send my dream cycle into chaos. Perhaps I am simply to sensitive to others or my maybe my subconscious energies from each day are overwhelmed. I am not fearful of my dreams themselves, it's just they are so real and vivid sometimes that I find myself waking up in a panic and feeling lost. I also often question whether my dreams are prophetic or they create the reality the envision. Either way, that's a lot to consider.
On the Anniversary of 9/11 each year, the spin by the media is so completely frustrating. Every year it's something different, some "new" piece of information is "exposed." I find myself speechless at the lengths the media will go to capitalize on death.
We watched a movie last night called "Crash." I would highly recommend it, very compelling and thought provoking. It has a Spike Lee, "Do The Right Thing" edge to it, or at least that's what it sort of reminded me of.
Doing some research on Attachment Disorders and the impacts from infancy to adulthood. It is a fascinating project and I am learning a lot, will share more as time permits.
More later...
Max is loved tremendously and is blessed in ways he cannot fully comprehend right now. I am so happy for all the people in his life who adore him and take the time out to let him know it. Birthday cakes, hugs and well wishing go far. Taking the time to let a kid know that you love them is bigger than simple words may seem.
I am a much better bowler than I remember and enjoy it much more than I ever thought I would, I kicked the guys butts all 3 games. YAY Sarah. I think it might be fun to play more often, we spent $40 total on an entire evening of lots of fun, including a few beers and video games for the "kids." You can't beat good, cheap and fairly clean (sans the bowling shoes) fun!
Some times the people you love are going to hurt you, it is a fact. One can hardly expect complete anonymity from such things, though it always stings a little when it does occur. For the most part, these little snafus in the human condition gone awry are forgivable and easily recognized for what it is, humans being humans. No one is perfect after all, no matter how much he or she may wish to portray him or herself as such and it is also natural that our loved ones may become subject to our suffering and frustrations and own internal pain or doubts. In most cases, these sorts of things are forgivable and something that can be reconciled. Interactions and relationships of all sorts require tolerance, patience and forgiveness. I suppose I am learning this just as much as the next person, but I am an extroverted Aquarius...I spend a lot of time processing everything, listening to my heart and feeling things through. I used to believe this was a curse, I know now it is a blessing when embraced by myself and those around me.
I spend a lot of time working through my fears and insecurities in my dreams, to the point where there are moments when my very dreams become painful. And often, just when I believe I've worked through something nagging at me, a simple comment or suggestion can send my dream cycle into chaos. Perhaps I am simply to sensitive to others or my maybe my subconscious energies from each day are overwhelmed. I am not fearful of my dreams themselves, it's just they are so real and vivid sometimes that I find myself waking up in a panic and feeling lost. I also often question whether my dreams are prophetic or they create the reality the envision. Either way, that's a lot to consider.
On the Anniversary of 9/11 each year, the spin by the media is so completely frustrating. Every year it's something different, some "new" piece of information is "exposed." I find myself speechless at the lengths the media will go to capitalize on death.
We watched a movie last night called "Crash." I would highly recommend it, very compelling and thought provoking. It has a Spike Lee, "Do The Right Thing" edge to it, or at least that's what it sort of reminded me of.
Doing some research on Attachment Disorders and the impacts from infancy to adulthood. It is a fascinating project and I am learning a lot, will share more as time permits.
More later...
Friday, September 09, 2005
Groundhogs, Grasshoppers & Sun Flowers Oh My....
Close to my work there are many hidden paths that peruse the local business district and farther out, developing neighborhoods. My favorite, is a nice 20 - 30 minute little jaunt that gives me some good cardio in spots and includes a brief tour of a local stream bed. There's also a child care center behind the stream, I hear alot of giggling and explosive exclamations about balls and swings and 'tag'. Little voices are always pleasant.
Since I started working here, I've exploring more and more but tend to go back to my old favorite. The summer months were a bit to hot to walk and now, well, it's still hot....but it's not the SAME kind of hot. Fall is approaching in Colorado and even though it's still 90 degrees some days, it's not the same sort of heat as 90 degrees in July or early August. September months bring cooler mornings and evenings, it's not quite so stifling or dry during the day but still pretty warm. Leaves are beginning to fall quietly, not necessarily in a noticeable way just yet, but you see them here and there. By October, we'll definitely know Fall is here. Considerably cooler temperatures and leaves will blanket the streets and back yards with lots of crinkly and colorful goodness. I've even spent several Halloweens trying to keep my costume (and now Max's) dry from unexpected snow on Halloween night. These subtle differences are some of my favorite things about the changes in season, thus one of my favorite things about Colorado. Mother Nature makes absolutely no bones about the fact that it is Summer or Winter or Fall or Spring in Colorado, it is quite clear. No question about it. It is one of the biggest aspects of living in Colorado that I missed in California, though California certainly has it's appeal. The draw of the Ocean is strong for me, possibly stronger than the changes in season I love so much here...but doubtful I'd land in California again to follow it. Most likely Washington State or Oregon, but that's not secret to anyone who might be reading this.
Anyway, back on subject....during the really hot summer months I've not been walking during lunch hours much because it is simply to hot in the mid-day hours. But now that's it "cooling" a bit, I can get out more and enjoy it. I miss those walks desperately when I do not get them, it is often the only time I have to myself that is uninterrupted. Even with vehicles and sounds of the city, I still find myself in those walks and that is very important not only for me but for everyone around me as well, a Happy and Balanced Sarah is a much more patient, healthy, loving and giving individual.
In this area, there are prairie dogs everywhere. I think they are one of the cutest little critter on the list, they look like little fluffy teddy bears with muscles and lots of whiskers. Many see them as pests, but like many animals considered 'pests' by our culture, it is only that way because we created it so. Rats have always been scavengers, but so are we. And if human beings hadn't some how managed to completely overpopulate the Earth and fill it with waste, then rats wouldn't overpopulate either. Or at least I see it that way. I'm not sure what the solution is, but I wish there were a kinder way then to kill animals thought of as annoyance. Out here, the local animal control push the little prairie dogs out of their homes with soap suds and then grab them and supposedly relocate them, but I've heard that's questionable. I guess that's nicer then prairie dog traps?
The prairie dogs have created their own community with about a 1 mile radius and I am certain they all begin signaling each other when I approach. The chirp and bark at me and stand up and act defiant, but as soon as I get to close, POP...back into the hole. Little do they know that I would never harm even a single one of them, but their attempts at standing up for what's theirs, protecting their babies and warning one another is really interesting to watch and very sweet. I see babies all the time. Today I noticed them running back and forth, back and forth between several holes...something was definitely going on. A party perhaps? Maybe a new baby? Something exciting was definitely going on. Maybe it was me?
I approached an area filled with sun flowers. All sizes, teeny teeny tiny to pretty big...one about as big as my head, and that's pretty big! I picked one and it's sitting in my cup holder, I feel bad for killing it, but I told the plant thank you for sharing with me...I hardly ever pick flowers, but there were so many and I couldn't help myself. It's making me very happy if it's any consolation to it's mommy. Sun flowers are so beautiful to me, they seem so perfect. Bright bright yellow with that dark brown furry middle, it's like they know they are gorgeous but are totally content to just reach toward the sky and shine right along with the sun, no questions asked. I love them.
In the sun flower field there were grasshoppers bounding and hopping about everywhere. They kept smacking into me and I began laughing at them. They were either letting me have it, or I totally disrupted something important cuz there was grasshopper madness all around me. It was so funny, I'm not mocking their efforts...but it was cute I guess more than anything. "Watch out, grasshoppers will pee on you!" I always tell Max, and they do. I should know, I was a grasshopper farmer when I was 10. I had tiny shed in the back of our house, filled with weeds and other random plants. And grasshoppers. Lots of them. I've not seen that many again until today. What a wonderful memory, playing in the late summer afternoon with grasshoppers bouncing all around me and me giggling up a storm for whatever reason may have struck me at the time, not even one single care in the world. Damn, those are such good thoughts.
I guess it's pretty easy to get lost in 1/2 an hour:)
Since I started working here, I've exploring more and more but tend to go back to my old favorite. The summer months were a bit to hot to walk and now, well, it's still hot....but it's not the SAME kind of hot. Fall is approaching in Colorado and even though it's still 90 degrees some days, it's not the same sort of heat as 90 degrees in July or early August. September months bring cooler mornings and evenings, it's not quite so stifling or dry during the day but still pretty warm. Leaves are beginning to fall quietly, not necessarily in a noticeable way just yet, but you see them here and there. By October, we'll definitely know Fall is here. Considerably cooler temperatures and leaves will blanket the streets and back yards with lots of crinkly and colorful goodness. I've even spent several Halloweens trying to keep my costume (and now Max's) dry from unexpected snow on Halloween night. These subtle differences are some of my favorite things about the changes in season, thus one of my favorite things about Colorado. Mother Nature makes absolutely no bones about the fact that it is Summer or Winter or Fall or Spring in Colorado, it is quite clear. No question about it. It is one of the biggest aspects of living in Colorado that I missed in California, though California certainly has it's appeal. The draw of the Ocean is strong for me, possibly stronger than the changes in season I love so much here...but doubtful I'd land in California again to follow it. Most likely Washington State or Oregon, but that's not secret to anyone who might be reading this.
Anyway, back on subject....during the really hot summer months I've not been walking during lunch hours much because it is simply to hot in the mid-day hours. But now that's it "cooling" a bit, I can get out more and enjoy it. I miss those walks desperately when I do not get them, it is often the only time I have to myself that is uninterrupted. Even with vehicles and sounds of the city, I still find myself in those walks and that is very important not only for me but for everyone around me as well, a Happy and Balanced Sarah is a much more patient, healthy, loving and giving individual.
In this area, there are prairie dogs everywhere. I think they are one of the cutest little critter on the list, they look like little fluffy teddy bears with muscles and lots of whiskers. Many see them as pests, but like many animals considered 'pests' by our culture, it is only that way because we created it so. Rats have always been scavengers, but so are we. And if human beings hadn't some how managed to completely overpopulate the Earth and fill it with waste, then rats wouldn't overpopulate either. Or at least I see it that way. I'm not sure what the solution is, but I wish there were a kinder way then to kill animals thought of as annoyance. Out here, the local animal control push the little prairie dogs out of their homes with soap suds and then grab them and supposedly relocate them, but I've heard that's questionable. I guess that's nicer then prairie dog traps?
The prairie dogs have created their own community with about a 1 mile radius and I am certain they all begin signaling each other when I approach. The chirp and bark at me and stand up and act defiant, but as soon as I get to close, POP...back into the hole. Little do they know that I would never harm even a single one of them, but their attempts at standing up for what's theirs, protecting their babies and warning one another is really interesting to watch and very sweet. I see babies all the time. Today I noticed them running back and forth, back and forth between several holes...something was definitely going on. A party perhaps? Maybe a new baby? Something exciting was definitely going on. Maybe it was me?
I approached an area filled with sun flowers. All sizes, teeny teeny tiny to pretty big...one about as big as my head, and that's pretty big! I picked one and it's sitting in my cup holder, I feel bad for killing it, but I told the plant thank you for sharing with me...I hardly ever pick flowers, but there were so many and I couldn't help myself. It's making me very happy if it's any consolation to it's mommy. Sun flowers are so beautiful to me, they seem so perfect. Bright bright yellow with that dark brown furry middle, it's like they know they are gorgeous but are totally content to just reach toward the sky and shine right along with the sun, no questions asked. I love them.
In the sun flower field there were grasshoppers bounding and hopping about everywhere. They kept smacking into me and I began laughing at them. They were either letting me have it, or I totally disrupted something important cuz there was grasshopper madness all around me. It was so funny, I'm not mocking their efforts...but it was cute I guess more than anything. "Watch out, grasshoppers will pee on you!" I always tell Max, and they do. I should know, I was a grasshopper farmer when I was 10. I had tiny shed in the back of our house, filled with weeds and other random plants. And grasshoppers. Lots of them. I've not seen that many again until today. What a wonderful memory, playing in the late summer afternoon with grasshoppers bouncing all around me and me giggling up a storm for whatever reason may have struck me at the time, not even one single care in the world. Damn, those are such good thoughts.
I guess it's pretty easy to get lost in 1/2 an hour:)
Thursday, September 08, 2005
The Hormone Monster Has Attacked
Max's birthday is rapidly approaching, he'll be 13. Consider the following:
A) According to my Grandma Barbie who has raised 4 of them, it's best to just lock them in a closet for about 5 - 7 years and then *presto* you've got a fully acclimated, matured and a healthy young man/woman who loves you again.
B) According to my GramE who has raised 5 of them, while there were many difficult times with her children, she has some of the fondest memories of her kids during their teen years and she did not lock them in a closet.
I choose Option B, but right now Option A sounds much more appealing. I'm sure they both have excellent points, but would it really be so bad if my baby just went quietly into adult hood without becoming a little butt head in the process? I really like him the way he is, he is exceptionally sweet and kind and used to really like me. Until about the last month or so.
However, there must be some magical switch because true to form...he is turning into one of THEM! Yes folks, the ones you hear about on Television and see walking the Mall with their parents...it's my 2 year old trapped in a 13 year old body! More whine for your buck! All the temper tantrums you can't handle! And within just a few months, more like weeks really. All for the low low price of "Mom I need _____ !" and "Mom can I have _____ ?" and don't forget "Mom can you take me _____ ?"
I thought this all to be just an ugly rumor, a fable, perhaps a hoax or urban legend, but no. It's true. They are Little Monsters, a mere imposter of the sweet little baby you once knew. And don't let the fact that you changed their diapers, and held them screaming in the middle of the night when they had colicky, took them to their first day of kindergarten, washed and kissed every owie, went to every Soccer game and snuggled them for hours on the couch for 13 years fool you...those days are over. All I have left are the memories *sniff*
I now know that my child is going to be a strange little bird for the next several years. I am now (by default) She Who Must Be Tested Constantly. Boy does this seem familiar? I thought we already went through this when Max was like 2 and 4 and 8...sigh. Ok, so I got lucky, he's been a great kid over all and still is, I know it. It's not his fault he's in Hormone Hell and apt to travel the landscape speaking in tongues and shape shifting.
It's ok, I will be there with him to battle the strangeness and awkwardness of this new experience. Through the snarling, high pitches outbursts and moody wanderings about the house; new memories will emerge. I embrace it and am finding a great amount of humor in the whole situation, because from what I can see, a good sense of humor and a strong backbone are going to be essential in this situation.
Yesterday afternoon as he was stomping about the house and really carrying on whenever I asked him to do something, it all clicked in my head and heart. Just as when he was a toddler, learning to walk and shoveling grass in his mouth to see what that was all about; he is now facing the challenges of becoming increasingly independent and forming who he is as an individual. And just as like when he was a toddler, it is my job to patiently and consistently create a firm, but flexible and adaptable structure. A structure allowing him space and freedom within reason, all the while waiting in the wings should he need me.
I have to excuse myself, Little Man just phoned and has apparently managed to smack his head hard enough on the locker above him to establish a goose-egg size lump on the top of his forehead. For those of you who don't know, this is yet another symptom. His body is growing faster then his senses and cognitive ability can keep up with. Now he's 10 times as likely to bang his head, trip over his own sweet little feet and randomly catch his fingers in the cupboards or refrigerator door, I feel bad for him. How frustrating for him! It's almost painful to watch and hard not to giggle sometimes too, I guess I can't really laugh at him but I am thinking of investing in a full body suit with padding an a helmet, just in case.
A) According to my Grandma Barbie who has raised 4 of them, it's best to just lock them in a closet for about 5 - 7 years and then *presto* you've got a fully acclimated, matured and a healthy young man/woman who loves you again.
B) According to my GramE who has raised 5 of them, while there were many difficult times with her children, she has some of the fondest memories of her kids during their teen years and she did not lock them in a closet.
I choose Option B, but right now Option A sounds much more appealing. I'm sure they both have excellent points, but would it really be so bad if my baby just went quietly into adult hood without becoming a little butt head in the process? I really like him the way he is, he is exceptionally sweet and kind and used to really like me. Until about the last month or so.
However, there must be some magical switch because true to form...he is turning into one of THEM! Yes folks, the ones you hear about on Television and see walking the Mall with their parents...it's my 2 year old trapped in a 13 year old body! More whine for your buck! All the temper tantrums you can't handle! And within just a few months, more like weeks really. All for the low low price of "Mom I need _____ !" and "Mom can I have _____ ?" and don't forget "Mom can you take me _____ ?"
I thought this all to be just an ugly rumor, a fable, perhaps a hoax or urban legend, but no. It's true. They are Little Monsters, a mere imposter of the sweet little baby you once knew. And don't let the fact that you changed their diapers, and held them screaming in the middle of the night when they had colicky, took them to their first day of kindergarten, washed and kissed every owie, went to every Soccer game and snuggled them for hours on the couch for 13 years fool you...those days are over. All I have left are the memories *sniff*
I now know that my child is going to be a strange little bird for the next several years. I am now (by default) She Who Must Be Tested Constantly. Boy does this seem familiar? I thought we already went through this when Max was like 2 and 4 and 8...sigh. Ok, so I got lucky, he's been a great kid over all and still is, I know it. It's not his fault he's in Hormone Hell and apt to travel the landscape speaking in tongues and shape shifting.
It's ok, I will be there with him to battle the strangeness and awkwardness of this new experience. Through the snarling, high pitches outbursts and moody wanderings about the house; new memories will emerge. I embrace it and am finding a great amount of humor in the whole situation, because from what I can see, a good sense of humor and a strong backbone are going to be essential in this situation.
Yesterday afternoon as he was stomping about the house and really carrying on whenever I asked him to do something, it all clicked in my head and heart. Just as when he was a toddler, learning to walk and shoveling grass in his mouth to see what that was all about; he is now facing the challenges of becoming increasingly independent and forming who he is as an individual. And just as like when he was a toddler, it is my job to patiently and consistently create a firm, but flexible and adaptable structure. A structure allowing him space and freedom within reason, all the while waiting in the wings should he need me.
I have to excuse myself, Little Man just phoned and has apparently managed to smack his head hard enough on the locker above him to establish a goose-egg size lump on the top of his forehead. For those of you who don't know, this is yet another symptom. His body is growing faster then his senses and cognitive ability can keep up with. Now he's 10 times as likely to bang his head, trip over his own sweet little feet and randomly catch his fingers in the cupboards or refrigerator door, I feel bad for him. How frustrating for him! It's almost painful to watch and hard not to giggle sometimes too, I guess I can't really laugh at him but I am thinking of investing in a full body suit with padding an a helmet, just in case.
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
***Long Weekends Rock***
I could get used to 3-day weekends. At some point in my career, I look forward to the idea of work 30 hours a week, possibly with Friday's off. I realize that's probably 20 years away at the rate I'm going, but maybe some day I'll be able to work part time and have Friday's off. However, there are currently many little whispers in my ear about what figuring out what I want to be when I grow up and focusing energies on increasing my skill set may be something to delve into sooner rather than later.
I am a huge procrastinator. Procrastinator? Maybe, maybe not...can I help it that having fun and enjoying my loved ones and doing what I want to do is more appealing then working 60 hours a week and spending arduous hours organizing my photo albums? I only have so many moments on this planet in my current existence, I'd rather cherish and consume each morsel with the flavor that suites me then struggle against a grain I do not understand or appreciate.
Mild weekend overall. I saw Evan Baby, he's so cute and snuggly. I love babies, they are warm in a way that nothing else is. You can feel the warmth of their bodies in you arms long after you set them down. We took Maxter to Water World on Sunday morning. FYI: Choice time to go! It was relatively quiet, not nearly as many people as usual. Plus it wasn't so hot. Other than that we mostly hung out around the house, good food and good spirits. Txt messaged the girls Sunday night, Matty came over after the non-existent foam party and became Matt Of The Couch afterward. Enjoyable weekend overall, though I spent a chunk of it feeling like I should be working and getting things accomplished. Damn Lazy-Ass Procrastinator!
To Do This Week:
- Blogg Wisconsin Trip
- Thank You Cards to Wisconsinites
- Develop Film
- Grocery Shop (BLECH!)
- Eye Doc/Primary Care Doc Appointments
- House Hunting
- ECCAD Donor Links
- Domestic Crap (BLECH!)
Off to make my 'To Do List' for work, have a wonderful Tuesday that feels like a Monday:-)
I am a huge procrastinator. Procrastinator? Maybe, maybe not...can I help it that having fun and enjoying my loved ones and doing what I want to do is more appealing then working 60 hours a week and spending arduous hours organizing my photo albums? I only have so many moments on this planet in my current existence, I'd rather cherish and consume each morsel with the flavor that suites me then struggle against a grain I do not understand or appreciate.
Mild weekend overall. I saw Evan Baby, he's so cute and snuggly. I love babies, they are warm in a way that nothing else is. You can feel the warmth of their bodies in you arms long after you set them down. We took Maxter to Water World on Sunday morning. FYI: Choice time to go! It was relatively quiet, not nearly as many people as usual. Plus it wasn't so hot. Other than that we mostly hung out around the house, good food and good spirits. Txt messaged the girls Sunday night, Matty came over after the non-existent foam party and became Matt Of The Couch afterward. Enjoyable weekend overall, though I spent a chunk of it feeling like I should be working and getting things accomplished. Damn Lazy-Ass Procrastinator!
To Do This Week:
- Blogg Wisconsin Trip
- Thank You Cards to Wisconsinites
- Develop Film
- Grocery Shop (BLECH!)
- Eye Doc/Primary Care Doc Appointments
- House Hunting
- ECCAD Donor Links
- Domestic Crap (BLECH!)
Off to make my 'To Do List' for work, have a wonderful Tuesday that feels like a Monday:-)
Friday, September 02, 2005
Disbelief
The sense I get from most is a state of total disbelief about the events in New Orleans and the Gulf Region. It's really difficult to digest this reality, I don't think Americans have ever witnessed something so incomprehensible in this region. Though I think it's safe to say that many of us are able to acknowledge that natural disasters, violence, rapes, hunger and lack of medical care are a daily occurrences for a large chunk of the World and as Americans, we are fairly spoiled and ignorant to these struggles.
Possibly that is why it is so shocking. Going about ones typical activities with the knowledge that children starve to death every single day may be upsetting for some, but easily dismissed when it's Ocean's away. But when it's in their own back yard, it is pretty frightening and difficult to fathom which I think has a paralyzing effect on communities and decisions makers as a whole. As I often say, fear is powerful. Perhaps this accounts for the lack of coordination and immediate response measures? I don't know and I choose not to speculate as I don't know all of the facts, I doubt any of us truly know the depths of this situation as we are still in reactionary mode and will be for some time.
What I do know is that while I believe the media in it's true-to-form nature has sensationalized the horrors of the past week to the general public, I think what is happening is real and people are suffering.
Mother Earth is powerful and our respect for Her should supercede our greed for Her resources. Quite possibly our impact as humans beings on our environment have much to do with the climatic extremities we've witnessed in the past several years, but I do not believe the increasing severity of this situation stems purely from the weather and climate that are part of the cyclical nature of our dear planet. No question there would've been loss due to the hurricane itself, but my heart whispers of something much more sinister.
Seems the chaos has much more to do with the ravages of shear poverty and frustrations over the clearly biased sociological lines that still exist in America, especially the South. Not to mention the declining funds for emergency preparedness and relief efforts in that part of the country. The lack of response and ability to take a leadership role in a time of crisis? That award would go to our famed President and his administration which never ceases to disappoint.
Time will tell. But in the interim, my thoughts and heart are with every women attempting to quiet a hungry baby; every looter consumed with hate or greed; every elderly woman needing immediate medical attention. Please stay safe, stay out of the water as much as possible and choose your actions wisely, what you do today may have more impact then you know tomorrow.
Possibly that is why it is so shocking. Going about ones typical activities with the knowledge that children starve to death every single day may be upsetting for some, but easily dismissed when it's Ocean's away. But when it's in their own back yard, it is pretty frightening and difficult to fathom which I think has a paralyzing effect on communities and decisions makers as a whole. As I often say, fear is powerful. Perhaps this accounts for the lack of coordination and immediate response measures? I don't know and I choose not to speculate as I don't know all of the facts, I doubt any of us truly know the depths of this situation as we are still in reactionary mode and will be for some time.
What I do know is that while I believe the media in it's true-to-form nature has sensationalized the horrors of the past week to the general public, I think what is happening is real and people are suffering.
Mother Earth is powerful and our respect for Her should supercede our greed for Her resources. Quite possibly our impact as humans beings on our environment have much to do with the climatic extremities we've witnessed in the past several years, but I do not believe the increasing severity of this situation stems purely from the weather and climate that are part of the cyclical nature of our dear planet. No question there would've been loss due to the hurricane itself, but my heart whispers of something much more sinister.
Seems the chaos has much more to do with the ravages of shear poverty and frustrations over the clearly biased sociological lines that still exist in America, especially the South. Not to mention the declining funds for emergency preparedness and relief efforts in that part of the country. The lack of response and ability to take a leadership role in a time of crisis? That award would go to our famed President and his administration which never ceases to disappoint.
Time will tell. But in the interim, my thoughts and heart are with every women attempting to quiet a hungry baby; every looter consumed with hate or greed; every elderly woman needing immediate medical attention. Please stay safe, stay out of the water as much as possible and choose your actions wisely, what you do today may have more impact then you know tomorrow.
Thursday, September 01, 2005
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