I am feeling exceptionally exposed and vulnerable this morning. This is not to say that I don't walk around already knowing I wear my heart on my sleeve, that I emit complete transparency. Crying easily, laughing boisterously and reacting with honest, raw emotion is really the only way I know how to exist. I am not shy about this nor do I make any attempt to conceal this aspect of my spirit. An open book indeed.
This is a very different sort of exposure, this is about the intricate details of my neurosis and shame. I hadn't realized I had so much shame left, I thought I'd escaped that trap. Unfortunately, this does not seem to be the case.
Sharing my life and every aspect of my daily existence with this man whom I adore, love and respect beyond what I thought was possible to share with another person has brought this issue to the surface in a frightening way. He see's me in the starkest, ugliest light; completely naked and at my crudest. He see's my hair stringy and hanging in my face when I cannot look him in the eye, my own eyes filled with tears that might drown the world. He bares witness to the true depths of my injuries and I find myself filled with absolute shame and embarrassment.
The shame I feel is not because of my history or due to the mistreatment from others, I refuse anyone else the satisfaction of shaming me. I am past playing the victim. It is a personal shame that is based on my own inabilities to persevere through some of that pain and my high expectations of myself to reach almost total perfection within the emotional realm. To stand tall against the past and those who took from me and cultivate this being that exists outside of those experiences. The embarrassment comes from that struggle and this sense that this struggle is on display to those closest to me. Not to mention how that struggle impacts those experiencing daily life with me in those moments when I don't have it together so well, which is more than I'd like to admit.
It is a little uncomfortable to feel my underbelly exposed so completely. To know that someone else is present at my very best and worst and wondering what he must be thinking of me. What of this women who is always pulled in one direction or another, not a whole lot of balance. Purely extreme in every sense of that word? I would confuse the hell out of me. It's got to be pretty difficult some days.
My concern for his opinion is not out of need for his approval or because I fear this man's actions or that I distrust him. Quite the opposite, it is more because I wish only to give so completely to him as he does to me and sometimes I feel I am simply not able and he see's that. That bothers me. It does not feel fair or even. Every time I fall apart over something I thought I'd healed from long ago, he's the lucky guy that gets to hold my hand and wipe the tears. I'm not sure I'd call that luck by any means.
It has also occurred to me that it is quite possible that I am experiencing true emotional intimacy with someone for the very first time in my life and that maybe I am not quite as insane as I think I am, only moving through the phases of allowing another individual total access to my authentic self. Obviously I'm talking outside of the parent/child bond, that's a very different sort of emotional attachment. In my adult life I have been surrounded by warm and wonderful individuals for the most part and I feel very genuine in my interactions with most of them, but the reality is that I have been primarily on my own and while I've often consulted with others for support when I've needed it, in reflection it is quite possible I've relied mostly on myself to nurture my emotional, spiritual and intellectual self. Exposing the very depths of all of those 'selves' to another person is new to me to some degree, at least to this level. And very often, I am completely overcome at how he some how continues to extend his love for me without any question or judgments. He IS always there to hold my hand and wipe my tears and only fosters compassion and tolerance in our relationship.
We are learning from each other, there's no question about that.
I told him last night after an episode 'Someday I might be normal.'
He just laughed at me, gave me a squeeze and told me he loved me.
Someday I might be normal *giggles* yeah. ok. What fun is it to be normal anyway?
Thursday, July 28, 2005
Tuesday, July 26, 2005
Shiny Disco Dancing Fruit-Balls
Yeeehaw, what a weekend!!!! Wowzers, I think we are feeling very warm and fuzzy after such a great release!!!!
Friday night was quiet, went with CMan to dinner at what used to be a restaurant I was fond of...La Fonda, no longer I am sad to report. Food and service was decent at best, I always try to frequent local, family owned restaurants if possible. They can be quite declivous and unique experiences and had up until now thought this to be a fun local spot to hit now and then. We were a little disappointed but didn't let that ruin our night, we were tired and ready to chill. Watched some comedy and I was more than ready for bed. Woke up to find CMan had passed out on the couch. I've been giving him a hard time about it all weekend, I miss him when he's not in bed with me and wake up feeling like something is wrong...yes, I AM strange, just the way I ams man!
Saturday was running around, buying kitty thingys and a new vacuum cleaner....it's nice to have on that works, we've not had a good one around for a few years now. Now those straggler hairballs cannot escape me HA HA!!!!!
CMan went to a function during the day and I spent the afternoon in the bathtub drinking wine and relaxing. I needed it very badly, very badly. I am learning a lot about putting boundaries down with the people I love, I am remembering that sometimes I really do have to put myself first and that's ok, the world is not going to fall apart and my loved ones are not going to instantly hate my guts cuz I said...'This is what I need for me, just for right now.' Anyway, the bath, quiet house and wine was wonderful!
After relaxing and what nots, CMan was home. Pimp Daddy Matt made his way over, informed me we had an extra ticket, I coerced my friend Jessica into joining us (twisted her arm really really hard...ha, yeah right!) we rounded up, collected ourselves and were all off to Rave On The Rocks. It's officially been declared that this event will forever be (as long as it's legal) a annual experience for all of us.
It was a total blast! All these excellent wild thumping beats - beautiful people every where - excellent vibe and plenty of available alcohol for the weekend/out partying lush in me. Jessica and I danced and talked, the boys played with glow sticks and got nice and drunk. Matt enjoyed all the eye candy...Ok, I'm sure CMan did to, but he kept his hands to himself, even when being fondled by an obviously completely intoxicated little enchantress...her intentions were good I think, she was just giving him a show. It was actually quite funny, she was just LOVING HIM UP and he had his hands out and kept looking at me like 'I'm not touching her!' I just laughed at them both, as if he has to prove that he's faithful??? LOL. Please! Ok ok, so the gesture is totally appreciated and I was like 'Awwww, that's my baby!'
There was totally insanity all around us, even with the obvious and obligatory undercover coppers lurking about, but it was all relatively contained and safe. Maybe there should be more opportunities like that for kids to get together and party and dance their assess off in a beautiful outdoor setting???? We stayed until 1 am, our ride had to get home. We went home, chatted about the night and hit they hay. Sunday we recouped. I will admit to a hefty hang over and not enough sleep, we all slept all day, watched movies and ate veggie pizza.
Sometimes a little crazy club kid fun is all one needs to refocus, reenergize and release. If I were a doctor, I'd likely prescribe it to my patients. Thanks to CMan for being him, as always I am ever amazed at who you are. Good Call Mr. Matt *smooch* Big thanks to Jessica for keeping herself relatively under control and driving, someone had to be the voice of reason. Hey and thanks to me for letting my hair down and getting my groovy groove on!
Max will be home this Friday. He's up at his Grandma's for their summer week thiny. I really miss him, more on all that later.
Friday night was quiet, went with CMan to dinner at what used to be a restaurant I was fond of...La Fonda, no longer I am sad to report. Food and service was decent at best, I always try to frequent local, family owned restaurants if possible. They can be quite declivous and unique experiences and had up until now thought this to be a fun local spot to hit now and then. We were a little disappointed but didn't let that ruin our night, we were tired and ready to chill. Watched some comedy and I was more than ready for bed. Woke up to find CMan had passed out on the couch. I've been giving him a hard time about it all weekend, I miss him when he's not in bed with me and wake up feeling like something is wrong...yes, I AM strange, just the way I ams man!
Saturday was running around, buying kitty thingys and a new vacuum cleaner....it's nice to have on that works, we've not had a good one around for a few years now. Now those straggler hairballs cannot escape me HA HA!!!!!
CMan went to a function during the day and I spent the afternoon in the bathtub drinking wine and relaxing. I needed it very badly, very badly. I am learning a lot about putting boundaries down with the people I love, I am remembering that sometimes I really do have to put myself first and that's ok, the world is not going to fall apart and my loved ones are not going to instantly hate my guts cuz I said...'This is what I need for me, just for right now.' Anyway, the bath, quiet house and wine was wonderful!
After relaxing and what nots, CMan was home. Pimp Daddy Matt made his way over, informed me we had an extra ticket, I coerced my friend Jessica into joining us (twisted her arm really really hard...ha, yeah right!) we rounded up, collected ourselves and were all off to Rave On The Rocks. It's officially been declared that this event will forever be (as long as it's legal) a annual experience for all of us.
It was a total blast! All these excellent wild thumping beats - beautiful people every where - excellent vibe and plenty of available alcohol for the weekend/out partying lush in me. Jessica and I danced and talked, the boys played with glow sticks and got nice and drunk. Matt enjoyed all the eye candy...Ok, I'm sure CMan did to, but he kept his hands to himself, even when being fondled by an obviously completely intoxicated little enchantress...her intentions were good I think, she was just giving him a show. It was actually quite funny, she was just LOVING HIM UP and he had his hands out and kept looking at me like 'I'm not touching her!' I just laughed at them both, as if he has to prove that he's faithful??? LOL. Please! Ok ok, so the gesture is totally appreciated and I was like 'Awwww, that's my baby!'
There was totally insanity all around us, even with the obvious and obligatory undercover coppers lurking about, but it was all relatively contained and safe. Maybe there should be more opportunities like that for kids to get together and party and dance their assess off in a beautiful outdoor setting???? We stayed until 1 am, our ride had to get home. We went home, chatted about the night and hit they hay. Sunday we recouped. I will admit to a hefty hang over and not enough sleep, we all slept all day, watched movies and ate veggie pizza.
Sometimes a little crazy club kid fun is all one needs to refocus, reenergize and release. If I were a doctor, I'd likely prescribe it to my patients. Thanks to CMan for being him, as always I am ever amazed at who you are. Good Call Mr. Matt *smooch* Big thanks to Jessica for keeping herself relatively under control and driving, someone had to be the voice of reason. Hey and thanks to me for letting my hair down and getting my groovy groove on!
Max will be home this Friday. He's up at his Grandma's for their summer week thiny. I really miss him, more on all that later.
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
Sticky Situations...
Max and I left his father when I was 18; Max was about 20 months old. Though Sean was several years older than me, at the time he was pretty immature. So was I. We were both very young to have a child and he wasn't ready to be a father or a partner. There was no love between us (if there ever really was) only this very abusive and dysfunctional existence, to say the least. Leaving him was the only option and I have never questioned my decision.
Since Max and I have done wonderfully all things considered. I had to be on public assistance for a while, went to college and established a career that supports Max and I fairly comfortably for the most part. Max is a well adjusted little man for having a somewhat whacked out mother and we’ve definitely had our hard times, but over all life has been pretty good to us and a word like ‘grateful’ hardly describes what I feel for how the past 12 years have treated us both.
Sean has had minimal if no contact at all for most of Max’s childhood. He has never paid child support and continued his self-indulgent and irresponsible behaviors for the duration of Max’s young life. Up until two years ago, he only saw Max twice and was extremely difficult when I filed for full custody of our child, though I ultimately won without dispute. He had ample opportunity to contest, he did not, only threatened and belittled my efforts to be parent the life we created together. When I think of the custody suite, I am overwhelmed at Sean’s treatment of the situation; I’ve never understood but again, had very little choice. If something were to ever happen to me, I did not want Sean to be the default for Max’s care and being that Sean threatened several times to kill me, at this time, the idea that something may happen to me wasn’t entirely out of the realm of possibility. Not to mention that life throws us a curve ball every now and then and I had to know that my wishes would be respected if that curve ball were to come my way.
Two years ago Sean moved to Wyoming where his sister, her husband and her several children live. Until then it is my understanding that he lived in California, but do not really know the detail. Sean’s parents have been very active in Max’s life since we moved back here from California and they go to visit their other grandchildren in Wyoming regularly. In their eyes, it was also an opportunity for Max and Sean to begin establishing a relationship when Sean moved to Wyoming. At first, I was very hesitant and still have moments of total frustration, but have allowed the visits, as ultimately, I know it is the right thing for my son to put a face with the name of the man that is his father. I had no idea how long Sean would be around and whether or not these visits would continue, so until now we have played out the entire scenario by ear. The way the visits are structured now are ok with me, they are very informal and often consist of brief interactions at the hotel they are staying at or Sean’s house for a bbq, whatever the context, what ultimately matters to me is that they are supervised and I believe my wishes are respected, though I do not know that for sure.
My frustrations about how easy it is for Sean lately to spend time with Max without any of the responsibility aside, the fact remains that raising a soon to be teenager is costly. I have never went after Sean out of fear and the thought that I saw no reason to invite him to our lives, I could do this on my own and didn’t need the stress something as simple going after him for child support would likely bring about. But as the years pass and the debt builds up and Max’s educational expenses, sport fee’s and summer camp tuition increase, I am feeling stronger and stronger about pursuing some sort of assistance from Sean for Max’s expenses. It is my understanding that he is doing well, has a stable job and is making his own ends meet. I see no reason why he cannot begin helping to support his child. I feel I have been reasonable about their visits and have been anything but demanding in terms of money, or even buying him a pair of shoes. Christmas and birthday gifts, a phone call…all of these things have been conveniently eluded by Sean for years.
Now the time has come to face the realities of asking Sean for help with Max’s expenses, it seems the right time, but I still have some fears about doing so. Perhaps it is my own residual anxiety over the abuse we suffered from Max’s early years and never wanting to revisit any of those experiences. Perhaps it is that I just do not do well with conflict of any sort, some have accused me of continuing to see myself as a victim, as much as that hurts me to think about, maybe it is true. I don’t know exactly what sparks the anxiety, but it is very real. I have many in my life who support me in this venture in many different ways and I think have gotten to a point of frustration with me over the situation as I have spoke of it before only to back down or just ‘let it go.’ Comments and accusations have been made and this hurts me, but I know the comments only bear the truth of the situation and that is that it is my responsibility to remain strong. Some times I do not feel strong. Some times I feel selfish and wonder why it is always I who has no choice but to remain the vision of strength, but I know this is petty and unwarranted.
All of this aside, I have simply grown tired of asking others for help because I cannot make ends meet, making requests of people who have no responsibility to me or my family at all, but continue to give of themselves endlessly and without question. I often fear I have disappointed them by not being stronger and can only hope that they understand as I work through any internal conflicts I may have about moving forward with pushing for child support. The bottom line is that my internal conflicts do not matter, this is about Max. My child. Who deserves everything that I can give him and if I can aid in pursuing opportunities that cannot be funded primarily by me, that is definitely something I must do everything in my power to help materialize. In part, this is where Sean’s assistance in raising this child comes into play.
I have drafted a letter of intent and am going to be working with my attorney to ensure that I do nothing that compromises our current legal situation in terms of visitation or asking for to little in terms of dollars. I plan to only ask for $200.00 per month to start, am willing to give Sean the option of receipts and proof of the expenses I am applying his dollars toward and will allow the supervised visitations to continue. I will also begin keeping a record of every payment so that if the state were ever to come after him, those payments would be applied. In all reality, the state would go after him for much much more per month and would ask him for the thousands he owes in back support. I am open to start from the right here and now, but cannot guarantee the actions of the state and intend to be very open with him about this possibility.
That really is my bottom line, $200.00 extra a month goes a very long way when it comes to raising a 13 year old child. His fees for Junior High alone are $200.00. Not to mention Soccer fee’s for the fall. I am willing to work with Sean and have no intent on starting a war with this man, though in my heart, I feel it is likely that Sean will feel very put out by this motion. My requests are not unreasonable nor are they irrational in any manner and I also know that while Sean may have his faults, he is not an unintelligent individual. No matter how you slice it, logically this all makes a lot of sense and I know HE knows it is undisputable. I will do every thing in my power to ensure the situation is fair to all involved, not out of fear but because it is what I feel is right. I cannot condemn a man I no longer know, it seems likely to me he is no longer the individual I knew many years ago and while I want absolutely nothing to do with this person on a personal level and would be just as happy to NOT have him in our lives, he is here. That is the way it is and I have to move on that reality, not ideally stand by with out at least some effort on my part.
I refuse to speculate on any potential outcomes of this motion; it’s very hard to say what the next steps will be. But as I move through the thought process I am coming to a place of understanding and strength. Max and I am empowered, loved and nurtured. The cards must now fall where they may.
Since Max and I have done wonderfully all things considered. I had to be on public assistance for a while, went to college and established a career that supports Max and I fairly comfortably for the most part. Max is a well adjusted little man for having a somewhat whacked out mother and we’ve definitely had our hard times, but over all life has been pretty good to us and a word like ‘grateful’ hardly describes what I feel for how the past 12 years have treated us both.
Sean has had minimal if no contact at all for most of Max’s childhood. He has never paid child support and continued his self-indulgent and irresponsible behaviors for the duration of Max’s young life. Up until two years ago, he only saw Max twice and was extremely difficult when I filed for full custody of our child, though I ultimately won without dispute. He had ample opportunity to contest, he did not, only threatened and belittled my efforts to be parent the life we created together. When I think of the custody suite, I am overwhelmed at Sean’s treatment of the situation; I’ve never understood but again, had very little choice. If something were to ever happen to me, I did not want Sean to be the default for Max’s care and being that Sean threatened several times to kill me, at this time, the idea that something may happen to me wasn’t entirely out of the realm of possibility. Not to mention that life throws us a curve ball every now and then and I had to know that my wishes would be respected if that curve ball were to come my way.
Two years ago Sean moved to Wyoming where his sister, her husband and her several children live. Until then it is my understanding that he lived in California, but do not really know the detail. Sean’s parents have been very active in Max’s life since we moved back here from California and they go to visit their other grandchildren in Wyoming regularly. In their eyes, it was also an opportunity for Max and Sean to begin establishing a relationship when Sean moved to Wyoming. At first, I was very hesitant and still have moments of total frustration, but have allowed the visits, as ultimately, I know it is the right thing for my son to put a face with the name of the man that is his father. I had no idea how long Sean would be around and whether or not these visits would continue, so until now we have played out the entire scenario by ear. The way the visits are structured now are ok with me, they are very informal and often consist of brief interactions at the hotel they are staying at or Sean’s house for a bbq, whatever the context, what ultimately matters to me is that they are supervised and I believe my wishes are respected, though I do not know that for sure.
My frustrations about how easy it is for Sean lately to spend time with Max without any of the responsibility aside, the fact remains that raising a soon to be teenager is costly. I have never went after Sean out of fear and the thought that I saw no reason to invite him to our lives, I could do this on my own and didn’t need the stress something as simple going after him for child support would likely bring about. But as the years pass and the debt builds up and Max’s educational expenses, sport fee’s and summer camp tuition increase, I am feeling stronger and stronger about pursuing some sort of assistance from Sean for Max’s expenses. It is my understanding that he is doing well, has a stable job and is making his own ends meet. I see no reason why he cannot begin helping to support his child. I feel I have been reasonable about their visits and have been anything but demanding in terms of money, or even buying him a pair of shoes. Christmas and birthday gifts, a phone call…all of these things have been conveniently eluded by Sean for years.
Now the time has come to face the realities of asking Sean for help with Max’s expenses, it seems the right time, but I still have some fears about doing so. Perhaps it is my own residual anxiety over the abuse we suffered from Max’s early years and never wanting to revisit any of those experiences. Perhaps it is that I just do not do well with conflict of any sort, some have accused me of continuing to see myself as a victim, as much as that hurts me to think about, maybe it is true. I don’t know exactly what sparks the anxiety, but it is very real. I have many in my life who support me in this venture in many different ways and I think have gotten to a point of frustration with me over the situation as I have spoke of it before only to back down or just ‘let it go.’ Comments and accusations have been made and this hurts me, but I know the comments only bear the truth of the situation and that is that it is my responsibility to remain strong. Some times I do not feel strong. Some times I feel selfish and wonder why it is always I who has no choice but to remain the vision of strength, but I know this is petty and unwarranted.
All of this aside, I have simply grown tired of asking others for help because I cannot make ends meet, making requests of people who have no responsibility to me or my family at all, but continue to give of themselves endlessly and without question. I often fear I have disappointed them by not being stronger and can only hope that they understand as I work through any internal conflicts I may have about moving forward with pushing for child support. The bottom line is that my internal conflicts do not matter, this is about Max. My child. Who deserves everything that I can give him and if I can aid in pursuing opportunities that cannot be funded primarily by me, that is definitely something I must do everything in my power to help materialize. In part, this is where Sean’s assistance in raising this child comes into play.
I have drafted a letter of intent and am going to be working with my attorney to ensure that I do nothing that compromises our current legal situation in terms of visitation or asking for to little in terms of dollars. I plan to only ask for $200.00 per month to start, am willing to give Sean the option of receipts and proof of the expenses I am applying his dollars toward and will allow the supervised visitations to continue. I will also begin keeping a record of every payment so that if the state were ever to come after him, those payments would be applied. In all reality, the state would go after him for much much more per month and would ask him for the thousands he owes in back support. I am open to start from the right here and now, but cannot guarantee the actions of the state and intend to be very open with him about this possibility.
That really is my bottom line, $200.00 extra a month goes a very long way when it comes to raising a 13 year old child. His fees for Junior High alone are $200.00. Not to mention Soccer fee’s for the fall. I am willing to work with Sean and have no intent on starting a war with this man, though in my heart, I feel it is likely that Sean will feel very put out by this motion. My requests are not unreasonable nor are they irrational in any manner and I also know that while Sean may have his faults, he is not an unintelligent individual. No matter how you slice it, logically this all makes a lot of sense and I know HE knows it is undisputable. I will do every thing in my power to ensure the situation is fair to all involved, not out of fear but because it is what I feel is right. I cannot condemn a man I no longer know, it seems likely to me he is no longer the individual I knew many years ago and while I want absolutely nothing to do with this person on a personal level and would be just as happy to NOT have him in our lives, he is here. That is the way it is and I have to move on that reality, not ideally stand by with out at least some effort on my part.
I refuse to speculate on any potential outcomes of this motion; it’s very hard to say what the next steps will be. But as I move through the thought process I am coming to a place of understanding and strength. Max and I am empowered, loved and nurtured. The cards must now fall where they may.
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
08/15/2005 Weekend Reflections
I ended up having a wonderful weekend, in spite of my reluctance about not having any 'down' time so to speak. I hardly feel I can justify a complaint about not having enough time with the boys, at home or to myself when I consider the life events of those all around me. A large majority of my immediate circle are probably running on empty at this point as it is and most of them are just getting started! Course, I certainly have my own very welcome life changes to contend with, but I'm finding it less challenging and more rewarding as my control freak nature subsides and take the time to be introspective about behaviors, ideals and ego's in the process. A time of great change for us all.
Friday night we went to C's mom, had pizza, wine and ping pong. I really adore her, she's so sweet and nurturing. Very much the maternal unit. We all adore her, she's enjoyable to spend time with. She will play with Max more than any adult I know (except C when it comes to the whole video game aspect of 'play') and seems to genuinely enjoy him. C and I have this theory, when one gets older they have more capacity to truly appreciate children thus reminding us (primarily me) to also reflect on that appreciate and consider it's power in terms of the Little Man.
Saturday we all got up early and were quite productive. Spent the day shopping mostly, but for fun stuff. Bought two Vegetarian cook books for sooooper low prices, we were all happy about that. Max got some new comic books, I got a new fun stuff or me (clothes/jewelry/candles) and we all spent too much money but had lots of fun. Our refrigerator is now packed with lots of green, red, yellow wholesome goodness. I love it! C is an amazing cook, I've never met a dude that could cook so well. I'd like to blame him for the extra lbs., but can't really do so honestly, though it IS part of it. We eat A LOT of food, but it is all very healthy and I love the fact that C will explore a Vegetarian life style, another check on the 'Why I Love C' list.
Saturday night was Crys's going away party. C hung out with Little Man and drove me to and fro the festivities in order to avoid a ticket and I cut it loose with the girls. There was bowling, drinks, hanging out in the infamous 'Highlands Ranch Geeerageee' and time with Crys & Rhi that was sorely needed by all of us. As we were all sitting at dinner, I looked around and realized there were 3 things I would miss most as Crystal & Dane embark on their new lives together, Crystal, Dane and the diverse elements included in our fun together. I will not miss the guys in that group who have become increasingly creepy and uncomfortable to even be around, I guess my tolerance for certain sorts of behavior isn't quite as readily available as it once was. Not out of judgment, more out of a general respect for myself and those around me and my own choices. I look forward to a new dawning in the lives of my much beloved friends, our sweet Rhi is also considering a gigantic move I know she's holding off on any final decisions and moving forward with such things until Crys and Dane are safely in WA. I applaud her unselfish behavior in being available to Crys for any assistance she may need as the days go by.
Hats off to our sweet Sam who kindly and patiently cared for us silly girls as he always does, I sense a very real and genuine friendship between him, Rhi and Crys. I like it, friendships like that are empowering and affirming, however brief or brilliant they may be.
Sunday morning C came to my rescue and took me home to a wonderful meal, some snugglies and I spent the majority of the day on the couch with him and the Little Man. I am a spoiled rotten little brat and I am loving every minute of it. I'm not sure what drives him to be so gentle, patient, kind and loving toward me but he does so without question or hesitation. Not to just me either, all those in his life. His family, myself and my child, his dear friends....some day I will find a way to articulate my thoughts more effectively, until then I just say 'Thank You' alot and try to love him the best that I can, which sometimes is conveyed in strange and probably irritating ways, but he accepts my quirkiness too, so I am learning not to apologize for being a freak cuz some people love the Freak That Is Me:)
Friday night we went to C's mom, had pizza, wine and ping pong. I really adore her, she's so sweet and nurturing. Very much the maternal unit. We all adore her, she's enjoyable to spend time with. She will play with Max more than any adult I know (except C when it comes to the whole video game aspect of 'play') and seems to genuinely enjoy him. C and I have this theory, when one gets older they have more capacity to truly appreciate children thus reminding us (primarily me) to also reflect on that appreciate and consider it's power in terms of the Little Man.
Saturday we all got up early and were quite productive. Spent the day shopping mostly, but for fun stuff. Bought two Vegetarian cook books for sooooper low prices, we were all happy about that. Max got some new comic books, I got a new fun stuff or me (clothes/jewelry/candles) and we all spent too much money but had lots of fun. Our refrigerator is now packed with lots of green, red, yellow wholesome goodness. I love it! C is an amazing cook, I've never met a dude that could cook so well. I'd like to blame him for the extra lbs., but can't really do so honestly, though it IS part of it. We eat A LOT of food, but it is all very healthy and I love the fact that C will explore a Vegetarian life style, another check on the 'Why I Love C' list.
Saturday night was Crys's going away party. C hung out with Little Man and drove me to and fro the festivities in order to avoid a ticket and I cut it loose with the girls. There was bowling, drinks, hanging out in the infamous 'Highlands Ranch Geeerageee' and time with Crys & Rhi that was sorely needed by all of us. As we were all sitting at dinner, I looked around and realized there were 3 things I would miss most as Crystal & Dane embark on their new lives together, Crystal, Dane and the diverse elements included in our fun together. I will not miss the guys in that group who have become increasingly creepy and uncomfortable to even be around, I guess my tolerance for certain sorts of behavior isn't quite as readily available as it once was. Not out of judgment, more out of a general respect for myself and those around me and my own choices. I look forward to a new dawning in the lives of my much beloved friends, our sweet Rhi is also considering a gigantic move I know she's holding off on any final decisions and moving forward with such things until Crys and Dane are safely in WA. I applaud her unselfish behavior in being available to Crys for any assistance she may need as the days go by.
Hats off to our sweet Sam who kindly and patiently cared for us silly girls as he always does, I sense a very real and genuine friendship between him, Rhi and Crys. I like it, friendships like that are empowering and affirming, however brief or brilliant they may be.
Sunday morning C came to my rescue and took me home to a wonderful meal, some snugglies and I spent the majority of the day on the couch with him and the Little Man. I am a spoiled rotten little brat and I am loving every minute of it. I'm not sure what drives him to be so gentle, patient, kind and loving toward me but he does so without question or hesitation. Not to just me either, all those in his life. His family, myself and my child, his dear friends....some day I will find a way to articulate my thoughts more effectively, until then I just say 'Thank You' alot and try to love him the best that I can, which sometimes is conveyed in strange and probably irritating ways, but he accepts my quirkiness too, so I am learning not to apologize for being a freak cuz some people love the Freak That Is Me:)
Friday, July 08, 2005
Hi, My Name Is Sarah & I Am A Sushi Addict....
I can't stop eating Sushi, some one might have to intervene. My spending on this little habit has increased significantly. I feel such enormous satisfaction when I pop a Californa or Dragon roll in my mouth I almost burst. It's a rush. I yearn for the sting of wasabi and salty brown goodness of soy sauce. It is my secret addiction and I cannot stop. I crave this food like a drug, I think about it a lot and feel guilty when I sneak around to buy it at lunch. I cannot afford it, but I keep doing it. I can't stop. Please help. I just ate my last Californa Roll for today and am already thinking about it again.
Help.
Help.
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