Guilt & Inadequacies...yup

I'm not sure I even know why
Why I've been given this gift
So much I cannot understand
Even more for which I do not feel deserving

Made mistakes and erred often
Taken when I should've given
Wronged when I should've righted
Cried when I should've laughed
Raged when I should've loved

I should be more.
A better mother, women, spirit, friend,
daughter, sister, grand-daughter, neice,
lover, partner, giver, receiver, activist,
optimist, realist, macro thinker,
micro thinker, child of peace, student of earth.

I should be more spiritual.
Gain more knowledge, consume less, more indepandant, less vulnerable.
Minimal emotion, more logic.
Pick a side of the fence instead of the forever gray area?
Care for my body, heart, mind, soul.
Embrace more magic and state of mind.

Not strong, smart, or honest enough.
More integrity, naive little child.
Drug addict, poverty stricken welfare recipeint.
Not pretty enough, thin enough, nurturing enough.
Lazy days and no energy.
Not living my passion in my job, in life education.
I'm not living up to my potential.

These voices argue with guilt and thoughts of inadequacies.
They tell me I've done wrong.
That I owe them, I've gone astray.
I should be more of this and less of that.
I am simply not enough.

I've forced some of this unto myself, it's true.
My own worst enemy. Harsher on my own heart than any other.
What a cliche. I know why I do it. Now tell me why you do it.
Even more, some outsiders have tried to force this unto me.
They see that I am, but an open book.
Where every symbol of my self-development and growth and identity,
Become topic for gossipy discussion and attempts at manipulation.
Comical that I now scoff at this sort of attempt and judgements.

Not because I am not open to growth or the wisdom of others or myself.
Not becuase I do not see the value of accepting all perspectives.
Allowing the patience, space, tolerance and love I wish for us all.
Not because I do not appreciate all that I have been given, in flesh and in vital force.
No, it is not because I am NOT open.

It is becuase, through experience I have come to find a place.
A place in which I've found self-worth.
Fine line between self-worth and ego. Careful now.
Bigger difference between self-worth and arrogance. Ugh, none of want to think we are arrogant?
Huge difference between self-worth and becoming condescending of others in that conciousness.
I pray the Universe gently whispers to me should I cross the line.

So easy to fall victim, to ourselves and society.
To succomb to guilt and inadequacies.
You should be more to me and I more to you.
And if you are not, I will guilt you into submission.
And if I am not enough for me, I will analyze until I am more.
More. More pain. Less forgiveness. More torture.

I'm not sure I even know why.
It is that I've found this blessed place.
Where, in spite of my human fault, I am perfect.
Perfect in every way, in where I should be.
Just as you are. Just as we all are.
At this very moment. In simplicity. In infinity.
Within omnipresence and magnanimous design.
Designed by a bigger "big" than us, you OR me.
And I know that we will love and be loved.
Why is this so hard to see?

Dire Reflections

What of that man on the street
Broken down as he deflects our frown
Hard miles under his feet
Ever the jester of this no name town
Hollowed darkness in his eyes
Wild and untamed
Glossed over with tears and lies
Benumbed and unclaimed

Casually glancing in his direction
An uncomfortable moment
Breeding forever the misconception
Our rejection so fluent
A small part of us hopes he will just go away
Our ignorance of this is pursuant
Casting off yet another unwanted stray
As we ignore him the filthy truant

Hardships of a stomachs growling
Remember the pain of too much hunger
Attacking winds harsh and howling
Mental state broken asunder
Memories of wounds that would not heal
Justify the need to plunder
Shame in forced hands that will surely steal
To stay sheltered and fed in the gutter down under

We ignore the disgrace he must suffer
As we harden our hearts to reality
Relieved for once a sociological buffer
As we perpetuate the unfeeling brutality
Not even a thought for the worry of his mother
Who was absent of her inherited morality
Or ever the ache within the heart of his brother
Ever revealing the sacred finality

Surely, he must hold some accountability
Recognizing his faults and past deviant dealings
Identifying the need for the illusion of stability
But it matters not when it comes to his feelings
To never know the comfort of love unconditional
And to pay too much a night for a room with a ceiling
For a solution we consider traditional

And some how still with the dollars upon dollars
That we pour unto the wars
Of egotistical martyrs
We find no solution to our uncaring plan
There are no obvious answers
For the quandaries of this man
That he may starve and die
In this system we apply
In the excessively diseased wealth of his very own land

None of us truly know how to respond
Some realize his existence and are compelled into action
But others just laugh and move right along
Some find comfort in complacency and give but a fraction
They blame his appearance and the broken down box near the wall
Where he suffers at night from apathetic inaction
Never thinking for once that he could very well be
In places too dark where frightened he crawls
With his unshaven face and his earned felony...

...The simple yet harsh reflection of us all

Going At It Again...

A little background....
I wrote this during a time of great suffering and equally great healing. I realize it is a bit harsh and probably doesn't make a whole lot of sense. I actually have a rought draft of it recorded somewhere, I worked on this song with a friend of mine for over a year, but it never quite got "there." Maybe it wasn't supposed to?

I lost my father when I was very young, he died 2 days after my 8th birthday and my mother told me about it the day after my birthday party. My step-mother (ugh) blamed my mother and me for his death, there was huge drama in the family over this as you can imagine. I was not allowed to attend his funeral. His passing was not spoken of often in my family, it is an element I feel overshadowed much of my young life. I felt guilted into silence and introversion regarding this topic.

I do not blame my mother, she had way too much to deal with as it was in regards to her relationship with him, not to mention trying to raise a pretty mixed up little girl on her own. Though I will not lie, I went through a period of enormous anger with her becuz of this very issue. But with time and a lot of painful discussion, I have learned more about the situation and hold nothing but respect for her, even on the days when I am still angry. I thank her for her honesty and attribute much of who I am today to her refusal to be unconventional in raising me.

At the point when I wrote this, I was mourning. Not only becuase I felt the loss of not having a father in my life growing up, but the memories I have of my biological father are exceptionally painful and life altering. His impact on me is forever a part of me, but I choose not to allow it to be a negative. Though it took me some time to work all of that out. Unfortunately, he was an abusive and dark individual, he was sick and very willingly inflicted his sickness unto others. I am still mourning in some ways, when I see my girlfriends with their fathers - to be loved by someone THAT unconditionally! When I think of my sons relationship with his father, when I witness so much in our culture around parenthood I do not understand, when I worry about our children. The cycle IS still being propegated and it saddens me tremendously. But, in spite of all of this...I have love and forgiveness for the man that is my father and truly hope that he has found peace wherever his soul has landed. I worry about it, wondering if his karma from this life may have caught up with him in some other life. I truly hope not. I hope that it is understood that he is not tied to us in a negative way, the our hearts hold love for him. I pray the Universe is forgiving and nurturing him through his own period of healing.

There you go again, your sorry
Moving me carelessly through your emotions
Always with such disregard, “Don’t worry baby girl, you’ll get there in time”
Until then shelved for another convenient day
Maybe then you would allow me to know who you are

Didn’t you ever just beg the question?
Seeking truth without consuming the lie
Didn’t you ever just want to let it go?
Not needing to claim… that YOU know the why

There I go again, I’m sorry
Speaking out of my turn and walking out of my line
I guess I should’ve remembered my place
How could I even possibly defy you,
Your own cryptic design?
Didn’t I already know the eager consequence?

Didn’t you ever just beg the question?
Seeking truth without consuming the lie
Didn’t you ever just want to let it go?
Not needing to claim… that YOU know the why

Here we are again, don’t apologize
Please just don’t do it again
I can’t bare another moment of rage
I wonder at your loyalty
Declarations of fact and relentless doubting
That I could be valid or contain a single wisdom
Action negates your insistent speeches
How to medicate these injuries?

Didn’t you ever just beg the question?
Seeking truth without consuming the lie
Didn’t you ever just want to let it go?
Not needing to claim… that YOU know the why

Stop wondering if I’ll ever be saved
Stop worrying about me when I just couldn’t behave
Stop willing me to allow your diagnosis
Come on now you bastard, I’m begging you to give me some space

I’ve got no reasons to wonder why, you never even gave me the chance to say goodbye

Personal Agenda's & Universal Experience

Being that I am this incredibly fortunate individual and have an inordinate amount of autonomous beings whom I share a closeness with, I cannot help but wonder at the personal agenda's I see being fought for within my circles. Understand, that I do not necessarily connotate the term "personal agenda" with a negative tone, though it is not a stretch to embody that concept within the confines of an adverse political, psychological and sociological environment. Admittedly, I too sometimes use the term "personal agenda" to be condescending, dictating and self-righteous of another. Even though consciously that may not be my intent. I am but an infantile human being and know that I am guilty of that which I am arguing against, and this, by defualt, makes me hypocritical.

However, when I analyze more thoroughly and am cognizant of my reactions, "personal agenda" describes each individuals passion and basis for that passion within the Universal Experience. In whatever form that may come to be, each of us have a passion in which we strongly agree or disagree. Is it not our responsibility, to investigate and exhaust every aspect of another's perspective? To take it in and absorb, absorb every aspect of their reality? The reality of their hearts and the very life force of their own balance? Into our own hearts? By taking it in, we create experience? Even if the experience permeates through another? Biologically or otherwise? I think so!

But, it seems to me that so many get caught up in defense mechanisms and forced belief systems that possibly they are unable to be truly analytical and logical? And what of unifying humaneness and emotion in their responses to said personal agenda's? Thus seemingly completely and utterly closed to the beauty that is the very scope of another's passion?

I know that while I would like to think I am an open individual, I have my own breaking point. My own fine line, in which I become defensive, feel attacked. Regardless of another's intention. I know it exists within my being. Again, hypocrisy. I struggle with it, I know I am guilty and I am not sure how to accept it, becuz it truly goes against everything I am passionate about. My belief system. My personal agenda.

In S's ideal world there would be no hypocricy, complete openness to another's passion as well as her own passions (and faults?) without impending guilt. A world in which we would embrace each another, give and recieve selflessly and with an integrity. I speak often about integrity, not something I am sure I have any sort of right to discuss with another. Who am I to speak of integrity with all that I have done unto this planet? To my loved ones? To myself? But it is something written on my heart. That we are to live, with integrity, amongst one another. Not just to co-habitate, but to embrace. Not just to idly pass by, but to observe and integrate.

And with integrity, comes the respect of anothers fight? The fight of a womens right to choose? The fight of a child's right not to be abused? The fight to live without global violence? The fight to live without governmental benevolance? The fight to hear the sounds of our universe? The fight of a father to participate? The fight of a mother who has mourned? The fight of a siser who is lost? The fight of a brother baring the burden? The fight of our earth and all of it's cosmos? The fight of one to live their own unique purpose? The fight to love whom we are born to love? The fight to give and receive? The fight to speak? The fight to be heard? The fight to live. To live!

Within the fight, within the battle, within the struggle...we learn. We collectively obtain knowledge, experience. We contribute and embrace through personal agenda's. We acknowledge the plight of another and accordinlgy personify that plight? Contribute to the generous Universal Experience. Familiarizing Universal Law with the human condition so that it may in return, familiarize us. With each other. With love. With tolerance. With diversity. With magnanimous self-awareness! How glorious!!!!

And all the while - it may be dark. Witnessing the agenda of another may be bewildering and bring coldness to our very core. We hold brashness in our own hearts, out of rage and frustration and simple raw human emotion. It is a clash of wills. We encounter that in which we disagree and we choose our passion, our passion to fight with further dilligance. However painful it might be for us an individual level, we must maintain hope and resolve. We must stand up - stand up for our own personal agenda's and of those for whom which we show support. We must give and recieve, hear and embrace love selflessly, becuz even in the face of carelessness, we must contribue to Universal Experience. And with this, we humbly become. We become Universal.

Whisperings In The Wind

It is a blustery day outside my office window. I find this sort of wind a little unsettling. I love soft breezes and how the leaves talk in the fall, but this wind has a curious fierceness to it.

Perhaps it is Mother Earth reiderating whisperings to me of the winds of change. Life all around me is quite active right now, but more with others I am close to in my life than my own. Seems a large number of people in my life are experiencing major life-altering events. Babies, job changes, deaths in the family, moving out of state, marriages..etc...I feel like it just must be in the air right now and I am quite fascinated by it all. Interesting to watch the dynamic as people work through managing all of their respective changes. It is all very exciting and kind of intoxicating, I can only help but wonder what changes may be a'comin' my way?

Perhaps it is trying to remind me to take some down time, which I think I must do this weekend. I had hoped to get to Boulder tomorrow, I miss it terribley and feel the need to reconnect. But this wind may prevent that, we'll see. All I wish to do is a little gift shopping, drink some wine, do some snuggling on the couch, maybe watch a movie and enjoy the lights.

In any event, this wind is speaking to me regardless of it's intention and making itself quite known.

Boys & Toys

His hair and skin are getting darker
His shoulders and face more angular

He literally seems to grow over night
He already thinks he's always right

He teaches me about boys
Why they are obsessed with toys

I am ever fascinated by him and trying to understand
What might just become of this young man

I don't really know what I am doing
He makes faces at me while he is mooing

See, he's always doing that!
Making me laugh when we are having a spat

I'm "supposed" to be the "parent", it's true
Words like discipline and guidance are used

I laugh a lot when I'm not "supposed" too and do silly things
Outside of the barriers, away from the strings

But more often than not
He is the one too soothe me when I am distraught

Just by smiling and being his own little guy
I am blessed just to know him and never wonder why

Just A Little Longer Mom, Please?

Wretched device designed to angrily yank me from my warm and safe place. I wish to meet it's inventor, discuss with him or her why this action must be so violent; with all of it's incessant beeping and obnoxious distractions and had they even once considered a gentler, kinder way in
which to rouse an innocently sleeping individual?

I think this must be what it would be like if we could consciously recall our birth, thrust out into the cold and brash world without our permission. Eyes still closed with despair and wishing ourselves back to the beauty of our mothers womb, all the while wailing and carrying on about the injustice of it all. However, when we are born we are then given to the comforting arms of our parents.

Not in this case. In this particular situation, we are not allowed to huddle up to our mother for protection. No no no, we must get up to face the injustice alone. Boooo.

So this morning, I took a stand against this evil. I very irresponsibly and carelessly ignored the horrible beeping and finally shut it up, permanently. Not out of rage, I simply removed the object from my environment and have decided it does not belong there any more. I smiled to myself as I climbed back into my warm and safe place and was truly and ultimately and totally...content. For however a brief moment and it was good.

And as I laid there taking in every moment of that warmth; the warmth from my body, from my sleep, from me; I began to reminisce, yet again, about the beauty that is simplicity. The simplicity of resting my heart, my mind, my body, my spirit. Surrounded by softness and physical comforts. The simplicity that is laying in bed longer than you "should." About something so valuable as being warm and how that warmth can make you feel so alive. And how safe I feel in that bed, it does not judge me. It does not care about my moments of weaknesses, insecurities and neediness. It does not mind my imperfections and neurosis. It is not cold or unforgiving, only welcoming and inviting. Selflessly allowing my rest, expecting nothing in return. And did I mention warm? Yes. Warm.

So I am feeling gratitude once again for something so simple in my life, that snuggly wonderful place that is my bed. Where I spend a lot of time in it resting all that I am and allowing my poor unconscious to regroup as I dream through whatever topic it happens to be that night and sometimes I spend time in it NOT resting at all and enjoying myself tremendously and sometimes I just lay in it and cover up and hide from everything that is outside, rejuvenating myself and giggling wildly at all it is that I find there in my solitude.

Grandma's & Goodbyes

It's not fair to say goodbyes
For it was you who sang to me all those lullabies

But your journey here has ended
It was indeed splendid

A generation, two and now even three
Through you, has come to be

You are a diligent soul I've seen
Witnessed all through which you've bared and been

What you've seen come to fruition
Can only enlighten my intuition

We are saddened in our own loss
But all to clearly know your cause

96 years you've roamed this earth
Your insight and wisdom has given birth

Reminded me should I ever forget
All that there is here for me yet

My child's smile and might
Always to nurture and never out of spite

A selfless universal spirit to perpetuate
Only humbly can I participate

The heart of a soul - sister
It is true that I too, miss her

A lovers touch
In which I revel so much

The green and the wild
I am merely but this earths child

So much you know of being a women
In this place of love ever interwoven

I am so sorry to see you go
However much sorrow I may know

It's not for me to explain
This real and true pain

Only to tread gently in the imprint
That is my grandmothers footprint

Love Saga's & Happy Endings

My dear B phoned this morning to inform me of a most eventful weekend in his world. After much deliberation, deep thought and soul searching the 2 have reunited to find one another again and K has accepted B's proposal of marriage. I am flattered to be kept so closely in their loop and to enjoy meaningful friendships with each of them. Each has impacted me personally tremendously and know that their impact is far reaching. I have been lucky to bare witness - witness to their growth as individuals as well as partners. All the tears, difficult days and equally joyous and wondrous ones. Days of compassion and deep love for one another, leading to the beauty that is this day.

I am proud of you both. Proud of you for loving each other unconditionally and giving each other the space to grow as individuals and as life partners. Proud of your will. Proud of your courage. I am proud of your integrity. Congratulations K & B! I look forward to all that is to come your way.
I feel a bit selfish in my joy over this news. Possibly because I have been rooting for them for years and am quite invested in each of them as individuals also. Or maybe it is because I know I'll soon be attending a ceremony to honor their love (that will kick some major ass - K is the most amazing event planner I've ever seen!) where there will be wine and good spirits and I'm all about that.

Mostly though, I am overcome that love has once again found it's way. This particular situation reminds my eternal romantic optimist that love can triumph and succeed and flourish, in spite of life's hardships. A shinning example of all that I believe in and am goodheartedly (and often relentlessly) teased for by my peers.

Their love is not purely lustful or petty or accommodating or convenient or conventional just for the sake of convention or needy or all the things that we've all done at one time or another, in the name of "love." It is based on friendship and mutual respect, it is forgiving and tolerant. It is growing, it is breathing, it is nurturing, it is alive. What they share does not simply speak the concept of romantic love - it is universal love and this is what gives me hope and makes my soul smile.

Pettiness and snickering
Amongst ourselves, selfishly bickering

Much more to loose
We have to choose

People are dying
Relatives are crying

No one is listening
Yet we keep persisting

Going about our daily life
Forgetting of the strife

Stuck on subjects of the trite
Senseless and loosing sight

My heart, it holds sorrow
For all I wish wasn't so hollow

I cannot rhyme or reason
This dissention in season

Anger and violence
What of our benevolence?

Have we ignored our ability
Now left only with a liability

Can we not conceive
A life of tolerance and reprieve

I may be naive
In my desire to believe

In mankind and love
In big picture plans above

We must spread messages of hope
And continue to cope

With conflicts outweighing our own
Unite together to face the unknown