I have a friend who is in the midst of a custody/visitation dispute that is all too familiar to this gal. It is, almost identical in nature to that of my own with my son and his biological father. It’s so similar in fact, that I can’t help but feel that this person and I are in each other’s lives to support one another through these types of things for a reason.
He’s been such a support to me in regards to my own baby daddy drama and given me great insights on the thought process of a teen age boy of a single mom as his mom was a single mother of 3 children for the duration of his childhood - brave woman! I honestly am not sure where I’d be now emotionally on the subject with out his valuable and most appreciated support.
Now, here we are, 15 months later, facing what I suspected all along would come along some day as it is the natural progression in these situations. Boy wants more interaction with father, father wants more interaction with boy, and mother is hesitant and controlling. Sound familiar? Scarily so. Mother and father in this scenario had a terribly ugly divorce, on all levels, including financially. Everyone got screwed in the situation and of course, everyone involved feels wronged in some fundamentally deep way.
It is ironic that I can now empathize with both the father and the mother in this situation. She says and does all the same things I did, motivated by protecting her bear cub. I gather that she’s grown considerably since the divorce (as 10+ years will do to a person) and only wants what is best for the kiddo. My friend constantly questions her motives (naturally, as they don’t even know each other any more) and is most certainly on the defensive. Meanwhile, boy child is in limbo while mom and dad hash it out. Good times for everyone involved. Blech.
Thankfully, I also know that my friend is a wonderfully solid and loving person. He isn’t the person she knew 10 years ago either. Certainly more stable and experienced and most definitely more disconnected from the situation between the two of them and more focused on his relationship with his son. He’s been doing his best to keep the communication open, but I know it’s been met with a lot of resistance until now. Because now, man child wants to get to know his papa more and mom is left with no choice but to give the situation a chance and see where it goes from there. All the while trying to manager her own fears. How I know difficult this is, it’s some of the most challenging situations I think life can throw at us.
This situation isn’t exactly as it was in my own in the sense that there aren’t safety issues involved here, there was never any abuse or 10 years or more at a time with zero contact and/or no child support agreements. But I can see that it doesn’t make the pain or sensitive nature of the situation any less intense. There is so much history here; so much residual hurt that it is clear that everyone involved is on edge regarding the subject.
I wish I could wave my magic wand and instill the knowledge in all parties involved that some how, it is very likely that everything will work out ok in the long run, but not without a certain degree of growing pains and agony so get ready because it’s not easy at all, but SOOOO worth it! Kids need to know where they come from, whether you agree with how things are or not, it is what it is and denying them that gets nobody anywhere. Not anywhere good anyway.
Wish him (us) luck.
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