35

Who knew I’d even make it this far? The specters from my teens would probably tell you it’s really only by accident that I survived at all, the manic moods of my 20’s would tell you that it’s a miracle I’ve learned to sing songs that don’t involve the long blue pining away hopelessly after unobtainable loves and grieving morosely about all I didn’t have or know as a child, and my early 30’s would tell you that it was just around that I started to feel a bit more like someone I could relate to when I looked into the mirror, even though I was a goddamned mess in those early years. I might have been a mess and screwed my (and my son’s) life up righteously, but I was doing so authentically at least because one is quite raw in the throws of a mid-life crisis. Which I finally realized is exactly how you learn about who you really are, which is sometimes a frightening experience.

Here I am though, somewhat worse for wear. My health isn’t in the greatest condition (more abnormal tests, this time “women” related. Gawwh, that’s the LAST time I get an annual physical - KIDDING) and as much as I hate to admit it, it’s my own doing. Not intentionally of course, but lifestyle and the stress of recent years have taken their toll and now it’s time to pay the bill. Let’s cross our fingers and hope it can all be managed, with minimal discomfort at least.

That bothersome physical stuff aside, what I wonder is what do the next 5 years of life have in store for me before another big birthday – the big 40? Let’s make it a good stretch shall we? I’ve learned not to plan for anything and expect everything and to try and not be disappointed OR cocky about a given circumstance because life always has a sooprize in store for you, and you probably won’t see it coming. Even if you try to control everything, it’s still waiting around the corner. So why try? It’s exhausting. It might just be more exciting to roll with it on it’s own terms anyway and remain content and grateful, ever think of that? I have, but old habits die hard. I’m getting there.

I have some things I’d like to experience. Reconcilliation with Pam would be nice. I’m not going to undercut or go to great lengths to sacrifice myself in the process of attempting to do so either. I am open and willing, in time. I’d really like to do a little traveling and see more of my family and friends who live out of state. Lose some weight. Spend as much time as with Max as possible. Maybe I'll get married and run off to some other country? HA, that would be nice. The other country part *giggle*! Get the health back on track (which in spite of recent events, I feel is possible) and maybe, if I am really lucky, find my next calling in life? I don’t feel lost so much right now as I feel the winds are hinting at redirection, which they do from time to time.

We’ll see I suppose, something in me feels excited for another phase in my life. I can tell you I don’t feel 35 at all. Somehow, I doubt I will feel 40 or 45 or 50 when/if I get there either because we are all children in side. Let’s hope huh?

CHEERS TO ANOTHER YEAR!