Funkalicious

I’m in a funky haze these past few weeks. It’s partly my own doing and partly outside influences out of my control. Work has me on edge. I’m concerned about the future and well being of my son. My mother and I aren’t speaking and as much as I’d like to just wash my hands of her and the whole situation, she is my mother and sometimes I feel sentiment about that. It is only natural. Dave and are trying a “dry run” on the home-front and so far it’s ok, but that is yet another change to acclimate to. The fur babies are wonderful but demanding these past few weeks with all the big changes. I spend a lot of time cleaning up puke, pee and poo lately. The house never feels clean and there are pincer bugs everywhere and I mean EVERYWHERE despite our best efforts to get them under control. Yik.

These are all real things…yes. However, in and of themselves or even collectively do not a crisis make. Surely we can identify what constitutes actual cause for crisis mode and drama management? It’s not as if I don’t have a fairly accurate historical check list to compare to.

Regardless, I find myself in full on funk mode for about two weeks now. This was after such a wonderful beginning to the summer and what has been a seemingly mild year in the personal soap opera department, for which I am truly thankful.

But I know this: In everyone’s life doth some funk fall.

At least now I can pretty clearly pinpoint my patterns and for whatever reason, the mid and later summer months tend to be big triggers or at the very least, I can look back in time and see a very clear cycle. I even looked back at my blogs of the past several years and sure enough, you will see a pretty large spike in the “oh woe is me” entries from roughly July – September and then again, around the holidays between late November into early January.

So luckily instead of getting all up in arms over the subject, I am now often able to achieve the “ah ha” moment within a week or so of the funkiness and get a handle on it rather then letting it become it’s own raging monster that creates more crisis and drama to be managed. It’s sort of a self-fulfilling prophecy in a way when the stuff gets in motion, it’s nuts how it can take me over and all I can say is that I am really appreciative of whatever it is (experience, maturity, education?) that has helped me to identify and try to heal the symptoms before full on disease sets in.

While I am congratulating myself for more self-awareness and growth in this arena, I can’t help but look back and wonder what really is the root cause here? A sort of physiological chicken and the egg theory for myself.

The situations/experiences (environmental or “nurture” in the child care realm) or the biological/chemical (nature)?

Environmental:
The situations and experience from the past (some of which I don’t remember but I instinctively know SOMETHING is there) that cause these great emotional up-heavels a few times per year no matter the current status of my life, that feel a lot like an emotional muscle memory type of thing.

Nature:
Chemical, emotional, biological factors that are cycling along with what has been labeled a number of things throughout my life time but never really have been determined to be one thing or another. Borderline bi-polar? Sure! Clinically depressed? Why not! Chemical imbalance of some unknown region in the brain? Well, duh!

Meaning, it’s certainly no coincidence that during these times of the year I am feeling the funk regardless of what’s going on my life AND it is often during the summer and holiday months there have historically been truly traumatic or consisted of facing extremely challenging life experiences, typically associated with a great deal of loss. Obviously the trauma’s from a younger age were out of my control, but looking back as far back as my early teen years I can clearly see the pattern, some of which I can now see I was responsible for, even if inadvertently so.

Whichever came first, it is something I am getting better at managing over time but it’s during these times when I am clearly “in cycle” that I want to do the work to avoid creating drama’s or feeding potential ones and simply acknowledge it is what it is…emotional, hormonal, chemical, biological. However annoying it might be (feels a little like my body is pushing back on me, which pisses me off because if you can’t trust yourself who CAN you trust *kidding*).

I also know when it is more the physiological stuff is because I become inexplicably apathetic bored, uninspired and generally devoid of any real energy or excitement for life. This once caused me to spiral into a full on depression which would result in self-medication, wreck-less behaviors and being so blue I could barely function.

Right now, real life stuff is occurring all around me but it’s nothing like what the past few years have been like or the traumas from my teen and early childhood years. There is no survival mode at the moment, things are OK. I am safe and loved and the people I love are safe and loved.

Today, as of right now, I am managing it considerably better than I have in past years and this feels like a minor victory, albeit a slightly tiresome one. Some days, when I’m in this place, I wish and wish upon stars that I was one of those “always together” types of women. Perfect hair and body, always on point, capable, brilliant and not burdened with the betrayals of my past or my own body. Even if it is all bullshit and that woman doesn’t really exist, I still want to be her some times.

Then I think about that a bit more carefully and remind myself that I am exactly who I am supposed to be, right now, right here. That thought makes it more tolerable. That and knowing I am with good company on the “awesomely neurotic women” front :