Max left Saturday July 3rd. It wasn’t as traumatic sending him off this time around, admittedly a tear was shed and his absence is notable but it all feels ok. I learned from this visit that Max is searching and developing into the man he’s going to be and I like him a whole more than I did this time last year. His company is much more appreciated when he is not acting out against every thing I do and though there were a few insults hurled, I learned they are only used in case of emergency, when he feels on the defense (a gift from dad no doubt) and cornered. Which naturally, any 17 year old becomes when he receives unsolicited comments/thoughts/suggestions from a mother he no longer believes has any kind of influence over him. Silly child, doesn’t he know how a mother’s love endures the passage of time and distance alike? So does all the dysfunction, but hey no one said motherhood was designed for perfection, even if society demands something that cannot exist in one singular human being.
I also learned that Max believes he is now an adult and on his own and is making decisions accordingly. He’s not going to return to high school for his senior year. Apparently he’s got a job waiting for him in WY with a company truck and making a decent wage for that kind of work even by CO standards and WY pays crap so I’m not 100% sure I am buying this story. He has grand plans of saving money to move into his own place by the end of summer and much of what I heard was him still defending his choices (even though I’ve long since stopped asking him too) and trying to get it across to me how much better everything is for him there. Sometimes it feels like a dig, sometimes I KNOW it is a dig at me with some of the things he says and I nod and listen and ask questions in the appropriate spots because the reality is here people, the boy is going to be 18 in about 2 months and after that, not much can be done in the eyes of the law. So pleading with him to finish his senior year or even letting him know the obvious (that I am not exactly pleased with his choice, but I’m not surprised either) isn’t going to do anyone any good and would mostly serve to irritate us both. I am not helpless in the situation and I know that, but I also believe it is best to give him space and time to figure this out. I let him know I don’t totally understand his choice to drop out of school and begin working right away without at least getting his GED and starting some kind of vocational training. He then went right into how he’s planning on coming to CO and going to Red Rocks for big diesel and getting an apartment here and so on and so forth. So it really depends on the time of day you talk to him and how much sleep he got the night before because he’s so scatter brained about the whole thing he doesn’t know WHAT he’s doing, he just knows what he wants (a running vehicle, his own cash, his own place, etc..) and he see’s a way to achieve that in the short term. Youth is SO wasted on the young.
There may have been a time when I would be up in arms over this decision and gotten pretty heated in these discussions with him but it’s amazing what kind of perspective a mom might gain from some time apart from her offspring. Enough to fully realize that he is a person full of his own thoughts and dreams and hopes and aspirations, even in all of its short sightedness. For now anyway, he’ll figure it all out eventually and the biggest, most important piece for me is that I find myself not worried about him. Of course I worry that he’s not getting his kidney’s checked regularly or going to the dentist or who knows what exactly he’s consuming on a regular basis (more on that in a minute) but I can see it, he’s going to be ok and I know my nagging him or giving him the disapproving lecture about his future and all that crap that adults do to kids isn’t going to change a thing. He’s struggling to mature and learn who he is.
I see him, for the first time ever, as someone completely separate from me. It’s clear he also feels this way about me as I don’t feel nearly as harshly judged by him either. We almost seem to mirror each other’s feelings and behaviors toward each other in the respect department and I tell you, it is liberation of spirit and years of pent up energy. Sadly, it took us being separated so violently for this to be discovered so clearly, but here it is now and I’m going to embrace it for what it is now and let the rest go.
Apart from a few nights and lunches together, I saw very little of him but enough to know that he’s doing ok in this new skin and life of his. And so am I.
He is still a bit of a man boy though, I mean he still needs me to buy him board shorts and shoes for cripes sake, but Mom’s….they are good for SOME things right J
I also had the opportunity to meet several of his friends whom I find to be a pretty fine group of youngsters. Ranging in age from 17 – 21, they are all interesting and communicative and testing the waters in their own lives and I enjoyed them allowing me a small glimpse into their lives.
That said, the boy came home hungover more than once and is open about smoking cigarettes and pot. The pot, I could care less about. Who hasn’t hit the ganja at least a few times in their life time? The cigarettes I could do without and I took the hangovers as opportunity to discuss with him the addiction issues on both sides of his family (did my best not to lecture him) and shared with him my own experiences in this area as well as the food stuff (it’s all related) which he’s no dummy, he already knew all this and I think it was a really good conversation. He was very receptive to the discussion and I felt some sense of relief in knowing that the dialogue is open between us as I suspect he’s going to keep experimenting and I want their to be an openness between us on the subject so I can keep an eye on him in that regard. I have a keen sense and enough experience to know if he’s taking things to far.
Physically he’s definitely all “dood” now. Hairy and sweaty and big vein arms and hands. He’s also extremely tan because he’s taken to his father’s propensity for avoiding wearing a shirt whenever possible. The hair is also ultra blonde from all the sun exposure. I always told him he’s a California boy to the core and he would giggle, but now he tells everyone the same thing which makes me laugh.
And to answer everyone’s questions, yes…he asked to stay with me should he move back to Colorado. It would be a short term thing, though I am realistic about what “short term” means. He is not I don’t think, but I think it’s good for him to know that he needs to be on task and focused. I flat out told him that I will be happy to help him while he’s in school, but I’m not sure what my “help” looks like otherwise. I reassured him that obviously, if he’s in a dire situation I’m going to help him out and he’s always got a place to stay and a hot meal at my house, but I did kinda draw the line otherwise. I think he needs to know I am here for him always, but I’m not going to coddle him through all of this either. What a funny balance that is going to be! We’ll see, I believe in my heart he and I will work through all of this quite well. I have a lot of faith and hope in the boy, he’s done me proud and while I’m not 100% cool with some of his choices, I am 100% PROUD of who he is.
More soon about the pupps!
LOVE YOU ALL
S
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