Sigh…what is a mother to do? He is clearly ill equipped for the ways of the world, he can’t even figure out how to send a money order. I know I need to be patient and tolerant but is it messed up that part of me feels like saying “Hey, you made this choice bit man, you deal with the details.” I can’t do that I know, I just need to listen and apply suggestions gently, rinse and repeat. It’s just hard, he seems SO young still. I know it’s not fair to base his situation on my own but it makes me really nervous that he’s out in the world, supposedly more on his “own” and he doesn’t seem to have the first clue about how to even cash his paycheck. This worries me. I feel it really leaves him open to being taken advantage of. By his dad for one.
It’s really hard to watch your baby learn things the hard way when you have so much information that could save them the grief and only a handful of it they are actually going to listen to. It’s just like sending him off to kindergarten for the first time, except..you know, real adult grown up kindergarten now. The bullies in this class aren’t exactly harmless, teachers can be false in their message or intent and crushes can result in babies.
Let’s all say a prayer for the boy, life can be cruel but I do trust he’ll figure out the basics soon enough.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Funkalicious
I’m in a funky haze these past few weeks. It’s partly my own doing and partly outside influences out of my control. Work has me on edge. I’m concerned about the future and well being of my son. My mother and I aren’t speaking and as much as I’d like to just wash my hands of her and the whole situation, she is my mother and sometimes I feel sentiment about that. It is only natural. Dave and are trying a “dry run” on the home-front and so far it’s ok, but that is yet another change to acclimate to. The fur babies are wonderful but demanding these past few weeks with all the big changes. I spend a lot of time cleaning up puke, pee and poo lately. The house never feels clean and there are pincer bugs everywhere and I mean EVERYWHERE despite our best efforts to get them under control. Yik.
These are all real things…yes. However, in and of themselves or even collectively do not a crisis make. Surely we can identify what constitutes actual cause for crisis mode and drama management? It’s not as if I don’t have a fairly accurate historical check list to compare to.
Regardless, I find myself in full on funk mode for about two weeks now. This was after such a wonderful beginning to the summer and what has been a seemingly mild year in the personal soap opera department, for which I am truly thankful.
But I know this: In everyone’s life doth some funk fall.
At least now I can pretty clearly pinpoint my patterns and for whatever reason, the mid and later summer months tend to be big triggers or at the very least, I can look back in time and see a very clear cycle. I even looked back at my blogs of the past several years and sure enough, you will see a pretty large spike in the “oh woe is me” entries from roughly July – September and then again, around the holidays between late November into early January.
So luckily instead of getting all up in arms over the subject, I am now often able to achieve the “ah ha” moment within a week or so of the funkiness and get a handle on it rather then letting it become it’s own raging monster that creates more crisis and drama to be managed. It’s sort of a self-fulfilling prophecy in a way when the stuff gets in motion, it’s nuts how it can take me over and all I can say is that I am really appreciative of whatever it is (experience, maturity, education?) that has helped me to identify and try to heal the symptoms before full on disease sets in.
While I am congratulating myself for more self-awareness and growth in this arena, I can’t help but look back and wonder what really is the root cause here? A sort of physiological chicken and the egg theory for myself.
The situations/experiences (environmental or “nurture” in the child care realm) or the biological/chemical (nature)?
Environmental:
The situations and experience from the past (some of which I don’t remember but I instinctively know SOMETHING is there) that cause these great emotional up-heavels a few times per year no matter the current status of my life, that feel a lot like an emotional muscle memory type of thing.
Nature:
Chemical, emotional, biological factors that are cycling along with what has been labeled a number of things throughout my life time but never really have been determined to be one thing or another. Borderline bi-polar? Sure! Clinically depressed? Why not! Chemical imbalance of some unknown region in the brain? Well, duh!
Meaning, it’s certainly no coincidence that during these times of the year I am feeling the funk regardless of what’s going on my life AND it is often during the summer and holiday months there have historically been truly traumatic or consisted of facing extremely challenging life experiences, typically associated with a great deal of loss. Obviously the trauma’s from a younger age were out of my control, but looking back as far back as my early teen years I can clearly see the pattern, some of which I can now see I was responsible for, even if inadvertently so.
Whichever came first, it is something I am getting better at managing over time but it’s during these times when I am clearly “in cycle” that I want to do the work to avoid creating drama’s or feeding potential ones and simply acknowledge it is what it is…emotional, hormonal, chemical, biological. However annoying it might be (feels a little like my body is pushing back on me, which pisses me off because if you can’t trust yourself who CAN you trust *kidding*).
I also know when it is more the physiological stuff is because I become inexplicably apathetic bored, uninspired and generally devoid of any real energy or excitement for life. This once caused me to spiral into a full on depression which would result in self-medication, wreck-less behaviors and being so blue I could barely function.
Right now, real life stuff is occurring all around me but it’s nothing like what the past few years have been like or the traumas from my teen and early childhood years. There is no survival mode at the moment, things are OK. I am safe and loved and the people I love are safe and loved.
Today, as of right now, I am managing it considerably better than I have in past years and this feels like a minor victory, albeit a slightly tiresome one. Some days, when I’m in this place, I wish and wish upon stars that I was one of those “always together” types of women. Perfect hair and body, always on point, capable, brilliant and not burdened with the betrayals of my past or my own body. Even if it is all bullshit and that woman doesn’t really exist, I still want to be her some times.
Then I think about that a bit more carefully and remind myself that I am exactly who I am supposed to be, right now, right here. That thought makes it more tolerable. That and knowing I am with good company on the “awesomely neurotic women” front :
These are all real things…yes. However, in and of themselves or even collectively do not a crisis make. Surely we can identify what constitutes actual cause for crisis mode and drama management? It’s not as if I don’t have a fairly accurate historical check list to compare to.
Regardless, I find myself in full on funk mode for about two weeks now. This was after such a wonderful beginning to the summer and what has been a seemingly mild year in the personal soap opera department, for which I am truly thankful.
But I know this: In everyone’s life doth some funk fall.
At least now I can pretty clearly pinpoint my patterns and for whatever reason, the mid and later summer months tend to be big triggers or at the very least, I can look back in time and see a very clear cycle. I even looked back at my blogs of the past several years and sure enough, you will see a pretty large spike in the “oh woe is me” entries from roughly July – September and then again, around the holidays between late November into early January.
So luckily instead of getting all up in arms over the subject, I am now often able to achieve the “ah ha” moment within a week or so of the funkiness and get a handle on it rather then letting it become it’s own raging monster that creates more crisis and drama to be managed. It’s sort of a self-fulfilling prophecy in a way when the stuff gets in motion, it’s nuts how it can take me over and all I can say is that I am really appreciative of whatever it is (experience, maturity, education?) that has helped me to identify and try to heal the symptoms before full on disease sets in.
While I am congratulating myself for more self-awareness and growth in this arena, I can’t help but look back and wonder what really is the root cause here? A sort of physiological chicken and the egg theory for myself.
The situations/experiences (environmental or “nurture” in the child care realm) or the biological/chemical (nature)?
Environmental:
The situations and experience from the past (some of which I don’t remember but I instinctively know SOMETHING is there) that cause these great emotional up-heavels a few times per year no matter the current status of my life, that feel a lot like an emotional muscle memory type of thing.
Nature:
Chemical, emotional, biological factors that are cycling along with what has been labeled a number of things throughout my life time but never really have been determined to be one thing or another. Borderline bi-polar? Sure! Clinically depressed? Why not! Chemical imbalance of some unknown region in the brain? Well, duh!
Meaning, it’s certainly no coincidence that during these times of the year I am feeling the funk regardless of what’s going on my life AND it is often during the summer and holiday months there have historically been truly traumatic or consisted of facing extremely challenging life experiences, typically associated with a great deal of loss. Obviously the trauma’s from a younger age were out of my control, but looking back as far back as my early teen years I can clearly see the pattern, some of which I can now see I was responsible for, even if inadvertently so.
Whichever came first, it is something I am getting better at managing over time but it’s during these times when I am clearly “in cycle” that I want to do the work to avoid creating drama’s or feeding potential ones and simply acknowledge it is what it is…emotional, hormonal, chemical, biological. However annoying it might be (feels a little like my body is pushing back on me, which pisses me off because if you can’t trust yourself who CAN you trust *kidding*).
I also know when it is more the physiological stuff is because I become inexplicably apathetic bored, uninspired and generally devoid of any real energy or excitement for life. This once caused me to spiral into a full on depression which would result in self-medication, wreck-less behaviors and being so blue I could barely function.
Right now, real life stuff is occurring all around me but it’s nothing like what the past few years have been like or the traumas from my teen and early childhood years. There is no survival mode at the moment, things are OK. I am safe and loved and the people I love are safe and loved.
Today, as of right now, I am managing it considerably better than I have in past years and this feels like a minor victory, albeit a slightly tiresome one. Some days, when I’m in this place, I wish and wish upon stars that I was one of those “always together” types of women. Perfect hair and body, always on point, capable, brilliant and not burdened with the betrayals of my past or my own body. Even if it is all bullshit and that woman doesn’t really exist, I still want to be her some times.
Then I think about that a bit more carefully and remind myself that I am exactly who I am supposed to be, right now, right here. That thought makes it more tolerable. That and knowing I am with good company on the “awesomely neurotic women” front :
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Work Moods
Feeling uber moody about work today.
The meeting with my new supervisor was less than encouraging. Not because of her, I think she’s going to be a good fit as a whole. More so because I had hoped using that meeting as an opportunity to get some of my questions answered gave me the answers I didn’t want to hear.
Let me state, once again for the record that I wasn’t offered this position. I was not asked if I wanted to change career directions completely. It was presented to me more as a “this is what the team needs right now and you are a good fit so this is what you’ll be doing” type of situation and I chose to look at as a step forward, because regardless of title or pay or any of that, I am and have learned a great deal and have realized some strengths I did not know existed within little ole me.
Back to the meeting with R, from what I gather, she was completely unaware of this. Apparently, she was under the impression that “development was not my passion anyway” and that I had applied for the new position. When I mentioned that my title (and associated pay scale) still hadn’t formally changed (which was my way of asking WTF, it’s been almost 6 months) and a job description for this new position hasn’t been identified, I received the standard non-committal manager response: “let’s give it a few more months and make decisions then.”
Nice. De ja vue all over again.
I also asked how my work will be measured this year because my 2009 employee evaluation has goals and a job description on it for 2010 that was for my “developer” skin, not my “build/configuration manager” self and since we have no job description to base my performance on for this year, what will be used as a measuring tool? She said “We’ll evaluate you from this point on” meaning since her start date. Which is not only completely unfair, but doesn’t even make any sense? Does this imply that all of my hard work from the past 6 months, which included a major issue tracking software configuration/migration, a new wiki config/migration and learning how to manage the builds don’t matter? That is complete bullshit. I have to believe that can’t be true, that these things MUST be taken into consideration because they are HUGE for our department. And not once, not even once did I complain about the long hours or the constant bitching and moaning from all staff (trust me, these new apps are not kitten like when it comes to configuration, talking to other applications and not at all intuitive when it comes to end user product) and having to chase down the project managers on a regular basis to get them to follow up with what they say they are going to do so we can get a damn build put together. Or having to train, remind, and generally babysit most of the staff with regards to this process over and over and over again.
I sure as hell am not getting paid like a manager, why should I have to behave like one?
Sorry…..that was childish. I am feeling childish today, like I want to throw a tantrum.
Not to mention I was told that development would be completely taken off my plate?
Huh? WHAT?
*chirp chirp*
I expected this to some degree, but completely 100%? Excuse me? Does anyone give a flying EFF about what I think or how I might feel about the last 10 years of my career being completely null and void at this point because I’ve been taken SO far out of the development loop by this transition in my position that if I wanted to return to development, I would have to go back to school and hello, if you don’t use it, you loose it. Programming is very much like that, you forget syntax and formulas and standards. This is a big deal to me, even if my company could give a crap.
RAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWR
That said, let me allow my more diplomatic, team player side take over for a minute and put the selfish, impatient child on the back burner for a minute…..
1) This position needed to be filled for the sake of the team and I do work with a solid group of people, so when you are called on, you step up to the plate. I am not the first or last to take one for the team in this group.
2) I am gaining valuable experience and in theory, I am being groomed to be a manager in some capacity.
3) These things take time. Of course the company wants to see how it all fits because such a change in my title will be reflected in my paycheck as clearly the increase in responsibility is significant. Let’s not forget, this is Corporate America people, what matters first and foremost is their bottom line and they have to be cautious.
4) Doing development on top of my current job duties would be not only distracting but I’m not sure how realistic it is to expect this position to turn over issues in a timely manner. As it stands, this position is very demanding.
5) The training and all that, it’s part of the deal and there are worse things then being the knowledge bank for a specific aspect of your team’s process. I am replaceable yes, but they would be hard-pressed to fill the position as quickly as it would need to be in order to continue functioning normally.
6) I am good at this. It is a fact. My technical background that has spanned 15 years or so now gives me the background I need to do this job well. I am attentive to detail. I play well with others. I am a task master that is comfortable chasing people down to get what I need from them to do my job, which in turn keeps everyone involved accountable. I can see the big picture and am becoming very adept at managing the micro to the macro and back again in relation to how this company operates and what the needs of its customers are. I am loyal, I work hard and I care about the quality of my work and my team-members. Blah blah blah.
I think the question now is how do I navigate this effectively? Right now, I am totally pissed off. Pissed off at the company for putting me in this position. Pissed of that my new manager and I have to stumble through this together. The uncertainty makes me crazy. The feeling like there is no acknowledgement of any kind, one way or the other. I have days where I know I should probably be updating my resume and looking and others where I feel like I’d be a fool to leave the company over something that is probably resolveable. I just don’t know how to go about resolving it.
First, I probably need to identify what the real issue is here. I can’t just go to my superiors and say “Hey, I feel like I am being totally jacked around here, wtf!”
I’ll think on that for a while. Suggestions, are more than welcome.
The meeting with my new supervisor was less than encouraging. Not because of her, I think she’s going to be a good fit as a whole. More so because I had hoped using that meeting as an opportunity to get some of my questions answered gave me the answers I didn’t want to hear.
Let me state, once again for the record that I wasn’t offered this position. I was not asked if I wanted to change career directions completely. It was presented to me more as a “this is what the team needs right now and you are a good fit so this is what you’ll be doing” type of situation and I chose to look at as a step forward, because regardless of title or pay or any of that, I am and have learned a great deal and have realized some strengths I did not know existed within little ole me.
Back to the meeting with R, from what I gather, she was completely unaware of this. Apparently, she was under the impression that “development was not my passion anyway” and that I had applied for the new position. When I mentioned that my title (and associated pay scale) still hadn’t formally changed (which was my way of asking WTF, it’s been almost 6 months) and a job description for this new position hasn’t been identified, I received the standard non-committal manager response: “let’s give it a few more months and make decisions then.”
Nice. De ja vue all over again.
I also asked how my work will be measured this year because my 2009 employee evaluation has goals and a job description on it for 2010 that was for my “developer” skin, not my “build/configuration manager” self and since we have no job description to base my performance on for this year, what will be used as a measuring tool? She said “We’ll evaluate you from this point on” meaning since her start date. Which is not only completely unfair, but doesn’t even make any sense? Does this imply that all of my hard work from the past 6 months, which included a major issue tracking software configuration/migration, a new wiki config/migration and learning how to manage the builds don’t matter? That is complete bullshit. I have to believe that can’t be true, that these things MUST be taken into consideration because they are HUGE for our department. And not once, not even once did I complain about the long hours or the constant bitching and moaning from all staff (trust me, these new apps are not kitten like when it comes to configuration, talking to other applications and not at all intuitive when it comes to end user product) and having to chase down the project managers on a regular basis to get them to follow up with what they say they are going to do so we can get a damn build put together. Or having to train, remind, and generally babysit most of the staff with regards to this process over and over and over again.
I sure as hell am not getting paid like a manager, why should I have to behave like one?
Sorry…..that was childish. I am feeling childish today, like I want to throw a tantrum.
Not to mention I was told that development would be completely taken off my plate?
Huh? WHAT?
*chirp chirp*
I expected this to some degree, but completely 100%? Excuse me? Does anyone give a flying EFF about what I think or how I might feel about the last 10 years of my career being completely null and void at this point because I’ve been taken SO far out of the development loop by this transition in my position that if I wanted to return to development, I would have to go back to school and hello, if you don’t use it, you loose it. Programming is very much like that, you forget syntax and formulas and standards. This is a big deal to me, even if my company could give a crap.
RAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWR
That said, let me allow my more diplomatic, team player side take over for a minute and put the selfish, impatient child on the back burner for a minute…..
1) This position needed to be filled for the sake of the team and I do work with a solid group of people, so when you are called on, you step up to the plate. I am not the first or last to take one for the team in this group.
2) I am gaining valuable experience and in theory, I am being groomed to be a manager in some capacity.
3) These things take time. Of course the company wants to see how it all fits because such a change in my title will be reflected in my paycheck as clearly the increase in responsibility is significant. Let’s not forget, this is Corporate America people, what matters first and foremost is their bottom line and they have to be cautious.
4) Doing development on top of my current job duties would be not only distracting but I’m not sure how realistic it is to expect this position to turn over issues in a timely manner. As it stands, this position is very demanding.
5) The training and all that, it’s part of the deal and there are worse things then being the knowledge bank for a specific aspect of your team’s process. I am replaceable yes, but they would be hard-pressed to fill the position as quickly as it would need to be in order to continue functioning normally.
6) I am good at this. It is a fact. My technical background that has spanned 15 years or so now gives me the background I need to do this job well. I am attentive to detail. I play well with others. I am a task master that is comfortable chasing people down to get what I need from them to do my job, which in turn keeps everyone involved accountable. I can see the big picture and am becoming very adept at managing the micro to the macro and back again in relation to how this company operates and what the needs of its customers are. I am loyal, I work hard and I care about the quality of my work and my team-members. Blah blah blah.
I think the question now is how do I navigate this effectively? Right now, I am totally pissed off. Pissed off at the company for putting me in this position. Pissed of that my new manager and I have to stumble through this together. The uncertainty makes me crazy. The feeling like there is no acknowledgement of any kind, one way or the other. I have days where I know I should probably be updating my resume and looking and others where I feel like I’d be a fool to leave the company over something that is probably resolveable. I just don’t know how to go about resolving it.
First, I probably need to identify what the real issue is here. I can’t just go to my superiors and say “Hey, I feel like I am being totally jacked around here, wtf!”
I’ll think on that for a while. Suggestions, are more than welcome.
Friday, July 09, 2010
Bailey & Bella
A few things I can tell you about Bella:
- She was born on May 12th 2010.
- She is a faun "Chug" mix puppy with the same parents as Bailey.
- As of her 10th week, she weight 5.5 lbs, she weighed about 1 lb at birth.
- Bella & Bailey are approximately 15 months apart in age.
- I think Bella will end up being a bigger dog then Bailey, she is already growing very fast and has much bigger paws then Bailey did at this age.
- Her appetite is ravenous and she will climb over hell and high-water for a nibble of anything. Yes, she’s being fed enough and no, she does not have worms.
- Bella is proof that pugs are born moochers. We’ve considered renaming her “Minnie the Moocher” – The fridge opens, they are both there. If I am cooking they are patiently waiting for anything and everything that might fall in the process. If we are eating anything out of a bowl, it is fair game and you’d better watch out if they are on the couch next to you. This goes for anything that MIGHT be food as well, when I am washing dishes, cleaning the kitchen, dusting, brushing my teeth… all of these things are apparently cause for begging. Makes sense to me.
- Bella is also proof that pugs are about the most curious dogs I’ve ever known. They want to know where I am, what I am doing and how long it will be before I be feeding/playing/snuggling them.
- She doesn’t like it when I leave the room. Period. She follows me everywhere and hates being left in her crate alone. I have considered leaving them in Bailey’s big girl “house” while I am gone to help soothe Bella since they sleep in there together at night, but I am firm on the crate training individually thing. They need some sense of independence and separation and frankly, Bailey needs a break from the constant demands of her little sister.
- Bella does not quite know what to think about the cats. She tilts her head in wonderment and awe. Meanwhile, Pumpkin absolutely hates her (and everyone else except me, so it’s not personal) and Gaia glares and disapproves silently from her perch.
- She is friendly, loves everyone, but has a bit of trepidation about strangers and new comers. She loves Dave, her tail wags so hard when she gives him kisses it’s kind of pathetic. I think she’s a big ole suck up personally.
- She likes to play with squeaky toys (with no fluff, very dangerous for pugs, especially puppies) sticks, chewy bones, carrots, my flip flops, my fingers, my nose, my hair and Dave’s sunglasses.
- Bella is not scared of loud noises like thunderstorms or firecrackers but if the cat meows, Dave is on the phone or if I say something to her in my “Pug Voice”, she stops in her tracks and tilts her head for a better listen.
- Potty training is slow go, but we are getting there. What I want to know is how much can that little body poo and pee in a day? I mean really, it’s like a constant flow.
- Bella trots like a show dog. Very happy bounce in that one’s step at all times.
I’m sure more will present itself in time, for now though I will move onto the interactions amongst the two critters:
- Bella follows Bailey every where.
- Bailey follows me every where and has since day one.
- If Bailey is out of range for any reason at all, she’s immediately on the scene if Gaia gets to close to the puppy.
- Bailey is unexpectedly maternal and nurturing. I am not surprised because she is kind and sweet, but she really has taken a shine to this little Bella and wants to be sure she’s got her eye on the little one at all times. For example, Bella was trying desperately to retrieve a toy from her crate through the side of the crate, via the bars that separate the door and crate liner. Bella gave this a few tries and began whining because she couldn’t reach it, Bailey watching her the whole time. After several minutes of this nonsense, Bailey calmly went into the crate (through the door, DUH PUPPY HELLO!) picked up the toy with her teeth, walked out of the crate and dropped it in front of Bella, looked at the toy, looked at Bella and barked. I was SHOCKED, not only because I was like holy crap Bailey is SMART but also b/c it was obviously a “hey, this is how you do it” or “awww baby, I will take care of you” - so I’ve been watching for more of this behavior and let me tell you, it is heavily engrained in their interaction. Bailey momming Bella and Bella watching everything Bailey does for guidance and cues on how to behave.
- I’ve also noticed a more protective stance from Bailey when it comes to other dog SOUNDS, not actually meeting other dogs because they both do great with other dogs after the appropriate amount of sniffing and sizing each other up. However, if there are disembodied dog sounds or a dog on the TV, Bailey flips her top. Example: If we are watching a movie with dogs on it, barking or what have you, she stands in front of Bella, poofs up in her “I’m going to kick your ass” posture (which is not at all the threatening, poor thing) and does this gruff sounding RRRRRFRFFFFFFFF RRRRRRRRRRFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF. Same goes for dogs walking by the house that may bark or pant to loudly.
- They lay exactly the same. They tilt their heads exactly the same time at the same sounds. Their tails curl and uncurl depending on their emotions and energy levels and almost in synchronicity depending on what’s happening. They both hate the water and there is nothing, and I mean NOTHING, they won’t do for food or lots of praise from momma. Praise works great, but they are always looking for the food while I’m praising
- Amongst other things, Bailey uses her rear end as a means of enforcement. If Bella is on her last nerve, Bailey will sit on her. If they are on the couch and she’s had enough puppy for one day, she pushes Bella off the couch with her rear end. If Bella is horning in on Bailey’s love time with Mom, rear-end in the face. Thus the reason they can’t sleep in the bed yet, I have visions of puppies being pushed off the bed in the middle of the night. Once Bella is big enough to use the puppy stairs, we’ll be alright but until then, I think it is in everyone’s best interest if I make sure no one is “accidentally” booted off the bed/couch. How’s that for passive aggressive.
I think the most important thing I can say about my baby girls is that I’m in love with them and adding Bella to our family has had exactly the outcomes I’d hoped for. Bailey is more stimulated, getting more exercise and seems to be taking this job very seriously and Bella is soft and awesome as puppies generally are. As for me, I get nothing but joy from the whole experience (sans the excessive poo wiping) and I make sure to get time with both of them together and individually. I will say, I do miss my lazy quiet naps with Bailey cuddled up on me. I do feel a little disconnected from her, but it will come through in time I am sure of it.
More pics soon to come.
XO
- She was born on May 12th 2010.
- She is a faun "Chug" mix puppy with the same parents as Bailey.
- As of her 10th week, she weight 5.5 lbs, she weighed about 1 lb at birth.
- Bella & Bailey are approximately 15 months apart in age.
- I think Bella will end up being a bigger dog then Bailey, she is already growing very fast and has much bigger paws then Bailey did at this age.
- Her appetite is ravenous and she will climb over hell and high-water for a nibble of anything. Yes, she’s being fed enough and no, she does not have worms.
- Bella is proof that pugs are born moochers. We’ve considered renaming her “Minnie the Moocher” – The fridge opens, they are both there. If I am cooking they are patiently waiting for anything and everything that might fall in the process. If we are eating anything out of a bowl, it is fair game and you’d better watch out if they are on the couch next to you. This goes for anything that MIGHT be food as well, when I am washing dishes, cleaning the kitchen, dusting, brushing my teeth… all of these things are apparently cause for begging. Makes sense to me.
- Bella is also proof that pugs are about the most curious dogs I’ve ever known. They want to know where I am, what I am doing and how long it will be before I be feeding/playing/snuggling them.
- She doesn’t like it when I leave the room. Period. She follows me everywhere and hates being left in her crate alone. I have considered leaving them in Bailey’s big girl “house” while I am gone to help soothe Bella since they sleep in there together at night, but I am firm on the crate training individually thing. They need some sense of independence and separation and frankly, Bailey needs a break from the constant demands of her little sister.
- Bella does not quite know what to think about the cats. She tilts her head in wonderment and awe. Meanwhile, Pumpkin absolutely hates her (and everyone else except me, so it’s not personal) and Gaia glares and disapproves silently from her perch.
- She is friendly, loves everyone, but has a bit of trepidation about strangers and new comers. She loves Dave, her tail wags so hard when she gives him kisses it’s kind of pathetic. I think she’s a big ole suck up personally.
- She likes to play with squeaky toys (with no fluff, very dangerous for pugs, especially puppies) sticks, chewy bones, carrots, my flip flops, my fingers, my nose, my hair and Dave’s sunglasses.
- Bella is not scared of loud noises like thunderstorms or firecrackers but if the cat meows, Dave is on the phone or if I say something to her in my “Pug Voice”, she stops in her tracks and tilts her head for a better listen.
- Potty training is slow go, but we are getting there. What I want to know is how much can that little body poo and pee in a day? I mean really, it’s like a constant flow.
- Bella trots like a show dog. Very happy bounce in that one’s step at all times.
I’m sure more will present itself in time, for now though I will move onto the interactions amongst the two critters:
- Bella follows Bailey every where.
- Bailey follows me every where and has since day one.
- If Bailey is out of range for any reason at all, she’s immediately on the scene if Gaia gets to close to the puppy.
- Bailey is unexpectedly maternal and nurturing. I am not surprised because she is kind and sweet, but she really has taken a shine to this little Bella and wants to be sure she’s got her eye on the little one at all times. For example, Bella was trying desperately to retrieve a toy from her crate through the side of the crate, via the bars that separate the door and crate liner. Bella gave this a few tries and began whining because she couldn’t reach it, Bailey watching her the whole time. After several minutes of this nonsense, Bailey calmly went into the crate (through the door, DUH PUPPY HELLO!) picked up the toy with her teeth, walked out of the crate and dropped it in front of Bella, looked at the toy, looked at Bella and barked. I was SHOCKED, not only because I was like holy crap Bailey is SMART but also b/c it was obviously a “hey, this is how you do it” or “awww baby, I will take care of you” - so I’ve been watching for more of this behavior and let me tell you, it is heavily engrained in their interaction. Bailey momming Bella and Bella watching everything Bailey does for guidance and cues on how to behave.
- I’ve also noticed a more protective stance from Bailey when it comes to other dog SOUNDS, not actually meeting other dogs because they both do great with other dogs after the appropriate amount of sniffing and sizing each other up. However, if there are disembodied dog sounds or a dog on the TV, Bailey flips her top. Example: If we are watching a movie with dogs on it, barking or what have you, she stands in front of Bella, poofs up in her “I’m going to kick your ass” posture (which is not at all the threatening, poor thing) and does this gruff sounding RRRRRFRFFFFFFFF RRRRRRRRRRFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF. Same goes for dogs walking by the house that may bark or pant to loudly.
- They lay exactly the same. They tilt their heads exactly the same time at the same sounds. Their tails curl and uncurl depending on their emotions and energy levels and almost in synchronicity depending on what’s happening. They both hate the water and there is nothing, and I mean NOTHING, they won’t do for food or lots of praise from momma. Praise works great, but they are always looking for the food while I’m praising
- Amongst other things, Bailey uses her rear end as a means of enforcement. If Bella is on her last nerve, Bailey will sit on her. If they are on the couch and she’s had enough puppy for one day, she pushes Bella off the couch with her rear end. If Bella is horning in on Bailey’s love time with Mom, rear-end in the face. Thus the reason they can’t sleep in the bed yet, I have visions of puppies being pushed off the bed in the middle of the night. Once Bella is big enough to use the puppy stairs, we’ll be alright but until then, I think it is in everyone’s best interest if I make sure no one is “accidentally” booted off the bed/couch. How’s that for passive aggressive.
I think the most important thing I can say about my baby girls is that I’m in love with them and adding Bella to our family has had exactly the outcomes I’d hoped for. Bailey is more stimulated, getting more exercise and seems to be taking this job very seriously and Bella is soft and awesome as puppies generally are. As for me, I get nothing but joy from the whole experience (sans the excessive poo wiping) and I make sure to get time with both of them together and individually. I will say, I do miss my lazy quiet naps with Bailey cuddled up on me. I do feel a little disconnected from her, but it will come through in time I am sure of it.
More pics soon to come.
XO
Wednesday, July 07, 2010
Baby Boys Turn Into Big Boys
Max left Saturday July 3rd. It wasn’t as traumatic sending him off this time around, admittedly a tear was shed and his absence is notable but it all feels ok. I learned from this visit that Max is searching and developing into the man he’s going to be and I like him a whole more than I did this time last year. His company is much more appreciated when he is not acting out against every thing I do and though there were a few insults hurled, I learned they are only used in case of emergency, when he feels on the defense (a gift from dad no doubt) and cornered. Which naturally, any 17 year old becomes when he receives unsolicited comments/thoughts/suggestions from a mother he no longer believes has any kind of influence over him. Silly child, doesn’t he know how a mother’s love endures the passage of time and distance alike? So does all the dysfunction, but hey no one said motherhood was designed for perfection, even if society demands something that cannot exist in one singular human being.
I also learned that Max believes he is now an adult and on his own and is making decisions accordingly. He’s not going to return to high school for his senior year. Apparently he’s got a job waiting for him in WY with a company truck and making a decent wage for that kind of work even by CO standards and WY pays crap so I’m not 100% sure I am buying this story. He has grand plans of saving money to move into his own place by the end of summer and much of what I heard was him still defending his choices (even though I’ve long since stopped asking him too) and trying to get it across to me how much better everything is for him there. Sometimes it feels like a dig, sometimes I KNOW it is a dig at me with some of the things he says and I nod and listen and ask questions in the appropriate spots because the reality is here people, the boy is going to be 18 in about 2 months and after that, not much can be done in the eyes of the law. So pleading with him to finish his senior year or even letting him know the obvious (that I am not exactly pleased with his choice, but I’m not surprised either) isn’t going to do anyone any good and would mostly serve to irritate us both. I am not helpless in the situation and I know that, but I also believe it is best to give him space and time to figure this out. I let him know I don’t totally understand his choice to drop out of school and begin working right away without at least getting his GED and starting some kind of vocational training. He then went right into how he’s planning on coming to CO and going to Red Rocks for big diesel and getting an apartment here and so on and so forth. So it really depends on the time of day you talk to him and how much sleep he got the night before because he’s so scatter brained about the whole thing he doesn’t know WHAT he’s doing, he just knows what he wants (a running vehicle, his own cash, his own place, etc..) and he see’s a way to achieve that in the short term. Youth is SO wasted on the young.
There may have been a time when I would be up in arms over this decision and gotten pretty heated in these discussions with him but it’s amazing what kind of perspective a mom might gain from some time apart from her offspring. Enough to fully realize that he is a person full of his own thoughts and dreams and hopes and aspirations, even in all of its short sightedness. For now anyway, he’ll figure it all out eventually and the biggest, most important piece for me is that I find myself not worried about him. Of course I worry that he’s not getting his kidney’s checked regularly or going to the dentist or who knows what exactly he’s consuming on a regular basis (more on that in a minute) but I can see it, he’s going to be ok and I know my nagging him or giving him the disapproving lecture about his future and all that crap that adults do to kids isn’t going to change a thing. He’s struggling to mature and learn who he is.
I see him, for the first time ever, as someone completely separate from me. It’s clear he also feels this way about me as I don’t feel nearly as harshly judged by him either. We almost seem to mirror each other’s feelings and behaviors toward each other in the respect department and I tell you, it is liberation of spirit and years of pent up energy. Sadly, it took us being separated so violently for this to be discovered so clearly, but here it is now and I’m going to embrace it for what it is now and let the rest go.
Apart from a few nights and lunches together, I saw very little of him but enough to know that he’s doing ok in this new skin and life of his. And so am I.
He is still a bit of a man boy though, I mean he still needs me to buy him board shorts and shoes for cripes sake, but Mom’s….they are good for SOME things right J
I also had the opportunity to meet several of his friends whom I find to be a pretty fine group of youngsters. Ranging in age from 17 – 21, they are all interesting and communicative and testing the waters in their own lives and I enjoyed them allowing me a small glimpse into their lives.
That said, the boy came home hungover more than once and is open about smoking cigarettes and pot. The pot, I could care less about. Who hasn’t hit the ganja at least a few times in their life time? The cigarettes I could do without and I took the hangovers as opportunity to discuss with him the addiction issues on both sides of his family (did my best not to lecture him) and shared with him my own experiences in this area as well as the food stuff (it’s all related) which he’s no dummy, he already knew all this and I think it was a really good conversation. He was very receptive to the discussion and I felt some sense of relief in knowing that the dialogue is open between us as I suspect he’s going to keep experimenting and I want their to be an openness between us on the subject so I can keep an eye on him in that regard. I have a keen sense and enough experience to know if he’s taking things to far.
Physically he’s definitely all “dood” now. Hairy and sweaty and big vein arms and hands. He’s also extremely tan because he’s taken to his father’s propensity for avoiding wearing a shirt whenever possible. The hair is also ultra blonde from all the sun exposure. I always told him he’s a California boy to the core and he would giggle, but now he tells everyone the same thing which makes me laugh.
And to answer everyone’s questions, yes…he asked to stay with me should he move back to Colorado. It would be a short term thing, though I am realistic about what “short term” means. He is not I don’t think, but I think it’s good for him to know that he needs to be on task and focused. I flat out told him that I will be happy to help him while he’s in school, but I’m not sure what my “help” looks like otherwise. I reassured him that obviously, if he’s in a dire situation I’m going to help him out and he’s always got a place to stay and a hot meal at my house, but I did kinda draw the line otherwise. I think he needs to know I am here for him always, but I’m not going to coddle him through all of this either. What a funny balance that is going to be! We’ll see, I believe in my heart he and I will work through all of this quite well. I have a lot of faith and hope in the boy, he’s done me proud and while I’m not 100% cool with some of his choices, I am 100% PROUD of who he is.
More soon about the pupps!
LOVE YOU ALL
S
I also learned that Max believes he is now an adult and on his own and is making decisions accordingly. He’s not going to return to high school for his senior year. Apparently he’s got a job waiting for him in WY with a company truck and making a decent wage for that kind of work even by CO standards and WY pays crap so I’m not 100% sure I am buying this story. He has grand plans of saving money to move into his own place by the end of summer and much of what I heard was him still defending his choices (even though I’ve long since stopped asking him too) and trying to get it across to me how much better everything is for him there. Sometimes it feels like a dig, sometimes I KNOW it is a dig at me with some of the things he says and I nod and listen and ask questions in the appropriate spots because the reality is here people, the boy is going to be 18 in about 2 months and after that, not much can be done in the eyes of the law. So pleading with him to finish his senior year or even letting him know the obvious (that I am not exactly pleased with his choice, but I’m not surprised either) isn’t going to do anyone any good and would mostly serve to irritate us both. I am not helpless in the situation and I know that, but I also believe it is best to give him space and time to figure this out. I let him know I don’t totally understand his choice to drop out of school and begin working right away without at least getting his GED and starting some kind of vocational training. He then went right into how he’s planning on coming to CO and going to Red Rocks for big diesel and getting an apartment here and so on and so forth. So it really depends on the time of day you talk to him and how much sleep he got the night before because he’s so scatter brained about the whole thing he doesn’t know WHAT he’s doing, he just knows what he wants (a running vehicle, his own cash, his own place, etc..) and he see’s a way to achieve that in the short term. Youth is SO wasted on the young.
There may have been a time when I would be up in arms over this decision and gotten pretty heated in these discussions with him but it’s amazing what kind of perspective a mom might gain from some time apart from her offspring. Enough to fully realize that he is a person full of his own thoughts and dreams and hopes and aspirations, even in all of its short sightedness. For now anyway, he’ll figure it all out eventually and the biggest, most important piece for me is that I find myself not worried about him. Of course I worry that he’s not getting his kidney’s checked regularly or going to the dentist or who knows what exactly he’s consuming on a regular basis (more on that in a minute) but I can see it, he’s going to be ok and I know my nagging him or giving him the disapproving lecture about his future and all that crap that adults do to kids isn’t going to change a thing. He’s struggling to mature and learn who he is.
I see him, for the first time ever, as someone completely separate from me. It’s clear he also feels this way about me as I don’t feel nearly as harshly judged by him either. We almost seem to mirror each other’s feelings and behaviors toward each other in the respect department and I tell you, it is liberation of spirit and years of pent up energy. Sadly, it took us being separated so violently for this to be discovered so clearly, but here it is now and I’m going to embrace it for what it is now and let the rest go.
Apart from a few nights and lunches together, I saw very little of him but enough to know that he’s doing ok in this new skin and life of his. And so am I.
He is still a bit of a man boy though, I mean he still needs me to buy him board shorts and shoes for cripes sake, but Mom’s….they are good for SOME things right J
I also had the opportunity to meet several of his friends whom I find to be a pretty fine group of youngsters. Ranging in age from 17 – 21, they are all interesting and communicative and testing the waters in their own lives and I enjoyed them allowing me a small glimpse into their lives.
That said, the boy came home hungover more than once and is open about smoking cigarettes and pot. The pot, I could care less about. Who hasn’t hit the ganja at least a few times in their life time? The cigarettes I could do without and I took the hangovers as opportunity to discuss with him the addiction issues on both sides of his family (did my best not to lecture him) and shared with him my own experiences in this area as well as the food stuff (it’s all related) which he’s no dummy, he already knew all this and I think it was a really good conversation. He was very receptive to the discussion and I felt some sense of relief in knowing that the dialogue is open between us as I suspect he’s going to keep experimenting and I want their to be an openness between us on the subject so I can keep an eye on him in that regard. I have a keen sense and enough experience to know if he’s taking things to far.
Physically he’s definitely all “dood” now. Hairy and sweaty and big vein arms and hands. He’s also extremely tan because he’s taken to his father’s propensity for avoiding wearing a shirt whenever possible. The hair is also ultra blonde from all the sun exposure. I always told him he’s a California boy to the core and he would giggle, but now he tells everyone the same thing which makes me laugh.
And to answer everyone’s questions, yes…he asked to stay with me should he move back to Colorado. It would be a short term thing, though I am realistic about what “short term” means. He is not I don’t think, but I think it’s good for him to know that he needs to be on task and focused. I flat out told him that I will be happy to help him while he’s in school, but I’m not sure what my “help” looks like otherwise. I reassured him that obviously, if he’s in a dire situation I’m going to help him out and he’s always got a place to stay and a hot meal at my house, but I did kinda draw the line otherwise. I think he needs to know I am here for him always, but I’m not going to coddle him through all of this either. What a funny balance that is going to be! We’ll see, I believe in my heart he and I will work through all of this quite well. I have a lot of faith and hope in the boy, he’s done me proud and while I’m not 100% cool with some of his choices, I am 100% PROUD of who he is.
More soon about the pupps!
LOVE YOU ALL
S
Sunday, July 04, 2010
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