As predicted, this past month or so is a complete blur. Between Max’s visit, the holidays, work and some health issues Dave has been having, life feels a little more like a speeding train then the ambling, but focused railway car I’m attempting to emulate. I suppose I should start with Max because I know all will want an update on the subject and I can quite honestly say that I’ve not processed the visit yet. I do that, I sort of put the idea of “Max” in the back of my mind and try not to dwell on it too deeply because let’s face it, it’s a painful subject at times and living in that headspace can become debilitating for me. For some time now, I’ve been rolling with the punches and doing my best to continue to move onward and upward. But of course, having Max here for a week certainly made the reality of our separation a real one and while I do find myself missing him at times, frankly, a week long visit is probably just about the perfect amount right now. There is still a fair amount of tension between us and I think it’s going to take time and space to heal for both of us. We hurt each other, that’s the bottom line and based on how tightly joined we’ve been for his entire life; I knew the invedible separation of our respective lives would be a trying one on us both. I can also see now, that a lot of this WAS about his dad. Needing that connection, seeing dad as a way out of his responsibilities he had here with me and the expectations I had for his behavior. I can see a lot now that I could not that then and some of it is still pretty painful. Some of it makes more sense too.
So back to the detail of Max’s visit. I was feeling a lot of anxiety about it the week before. It all happened very quickly and I had little time to prepare. So getting grocerys in the house, etc…had to be done before he got there. Not to mention we had several other holiday events going on that same week, so it was a little chaotic. The holidays have their value, but I’m a bit overwhelmed by them always. Too much to do, to much food, to much wine…my whole schedule gets all jacked up! Blah.
Plus, I was uber stressed because I was getting no where with making the bus thing happen. Sean had it planted in Max’s head that a bus ride would be obscenely long and I should definitely be the one to have to drive to Casper and back to Denver in the same day if I want Max to visit so badly. It’s an 8 hour drive btw, round trip. And BORING. So boring. Sean refused to meet me Chugwater (a good halfway point for us both) and I just didn’t feel comfortable driving for a number of reasons, so the bus was the only option as far as I was concerned. I figured hey, if I’m willing to pay for it (not cheap) then Max should be willing to get on the damn thing. Meet halfway so to speak. Except Sean really wasn’t going to let up, he kept saying he wouldn’t drive Max to the bus depot the day he was supposed to leave and blah blah. Yeah, it’s like that people. Pretty petty behavior, huh? BUT, I held firm and it was finally agreed that Sean WOULD take Max to the bus station and that the bus was the best option for everyone involved. Both on a financial level, but also, considering the amount of time Max had off for the holiday break, I had a hard time buying it that he couldn’t sit on a bus for 6 hours. boo hoo. Get over it kiddo. You made the choice, this is how it is.
There were other antagonizing factors. I was wondering what it would be like between us? What if we just cannot get along? What if he pulls the BS he was pulling before he left. Staying out all night, clearly partying, etc….it’s enough to put any mom into a spin I suppose. Then I realized. I’m not just going to suddenly forget how to do this mom thing….but I wouldn’t exactly say that’s the nature of our relationship any more. He’s grown. Considerabley. At least 2 inches taller, he’s about 10 lbs thinner…but that could be from growing upwards. I think he’s being fed, though it sounds like he eats a lot of junk food and highly processed/instant stuff. Two men living alone together, that seems understandable I suppose. He’s a young man now though, for sure. He is far more independent than he was when he left here in every way it seems. He DID end up going to a party the first night he was here and did spend a fair amount of time with his bro’s, but what was impressive was it wasn’t like he was relying on me to make sure he got to/fro and that he had money. I think Max may have gotten a pretty intense shell shock when he moved to Casper and realized that it WAS ok for him to get himself around and I’m not such a horrible mother for expecting him to begin making that happen. He also seems really determined to get a job. Max is used to have spending money, yes it’s MY money, but I gave him an allowance or if he needed something, he got it. He wasn’t totally spoiled, but he wasn’t in a position where he needed a job to buy his own clothes and school supplies. Now he is. Sean doesn’t buy him clothes. Or school supplies. Or shoes or vitamins or the stuff he needs for his acne. I don’t know if it’s because Sean doesn’t have the money or if he simply doesn’t get it that you are supposed to do this for your kid, but as much as it bothered me in the moment when I found all this out, I realized that all I can do is help Max have those things when he’s with me and when he’s with Sean, he’s WITH Sean. These are the outcomes of the choices Max has made and I am hard pressed to feel sorry for him. I feel a twinge of rage with Sean when I think about this (who doesn’t buy their kids shoes?) but I keep that to myself, say nothing and do my best to let the man child experience the situation without injecting too much of my emotion into it. So, I took the kid to the mall and bought him a bunch of clothes (he literally came with all the clothes he had and for a 17 year old boy, it was hardly sufficient) and he got as much as he could for the money I had and even though he had a crappy attitude for a moment (apparently, it’s STILL my responsibility to make sure he has nice things and I was clean out of cash and he wanted this hat and almost literally started throwing a fit…like a toddler. It was kind of upsetting to watch him act like that.) he was very appreciative after the fact and I could tell he genuinely was happy to have a few pairs of new jeans, a new pair of shoes, a bunch of hats and about 5 new shirts.
There was also an incident with Pumpkin. She had a seizure while I wasn’t there. Max called me and berated me for half an hour about how I should have “taken care” of Pumpkin a long time ago and what’s wrong with me for not “putting her out of her misery.” He sounded JUST like his father. Disrespectful, totally arrogant and painfully insensitive. He insisted I leave work immediately and come take Pumpkin to the vet. I expliained to him that wasn’t an option, she’s been to the vet, we know she’s having seizures and I don’t expect her to be with us very long, but it’s MY decision and he needs to drop it because he really has no say in the matter. I know that sounds harsh, but if any of you heard how he was talking to me….you’d be proud of me for being firm. He was acting like an ass and the simple truth is, I don’t have to put up with it and I will not.
In spite of the few bumps we had making it all happen and some of the attitude and behaviors (he smokes cigarettes now, openly, that’s kind of akward) we ended up having a wonderful time. We had lots of good interactions and talks. He’s a good person and there is a big part of me that felt relieved to see that he hasn’t transformed completely into some unrecognizable being. He’s still Max, his eyes still sparkle when he laughs, he’s still polite and considerate (mostly) and I see a young person trying to find himself. We don’t talk much about how he interacts with Sean, I try to stay off that subject as much as possible. Even though I’m desperately curious about it, I don’t think I’d get any satisfying information by probing. I figure that will come out in time and when the opportunity presents itself, I think Max will open up more. He did tell me that they going hiking and 4wheeling a lot together and that seems to be of great enjoyment to Max. So, that’s a plus. Max did also share some disturbing things, but I just try not to think about it because it will eat me up inside if I do. There’s not much I can do. Besides, Sean is just digging himself into a hole by drinking in excess around Max and talking such ugliness (and mostly untrue, grrrr) about me. Sean has to know that’s not going to go anywhere good, but to be perfectly blunt....this is the Sean I know. It’s his pathetic attempt to get Max on “his” side and perhaps try to redirect any accountability for his own actions in the past. I don’t know, but it really is a very sad act. I try not to linger here, it gets me upset.
Another interesting outcome of this visit was that Max asked me very directly if I might considering allowing him to move back in after he’s finished high school in Casper so he can attend Warren Tech here in 2011 for auto and big diesel mechanics. He’s a young male, his mind will change 8 different times and who knows what might happen between now and then, but mainly…I was just thrilled to hear him actually talking about persuing some kind of technical/vocational training. I think he’s getting it that these days, you really do have to have SOME kind of skill or trade to support yourself. I don’t care what he does or how much money he makes, I just want him to be happy and I know he would be happy tinkering around in engine grease. My answer you wonder? I told him I’d think about it, but that he would have to have a job and we’d have to establish some pretty basic ground rules for living together again. Think of it kids, he’d be 19 or even 20 depending on when he started. What would THAT be like? I honestly don’t know and I can’t actually promise I would allow him back home. I just don’t know right now, it’s a while from now, we have time…but it was something to ponder for sure. People often ask me what I would say if Max asked me right now to move home. I would have to say no. That might be surprising for many to hear, but I just know it in my heart. This is one of those places where he’s got to live out his choices. I can’t bail him out on this one. Obviously if there was some kind of abuse or physical danger, I’d help him, but just to come back b/c he doesn’t want to deal with it any more.....nope, I don’t think so. And can you blame me? That child has been putting me through the wringer for 3 or 4 years now and it’s always something. I’m so over that kind of chaos. I will always be his mother and love him very deeply, but the little fledgling is out in the world now and I feel pretty strongly about him having to account for his actions and choices. I certainly have and do, its just how life works.
Soooo, I’m kind of emotionally depleted now so I promise to post some pics and get back to blogging regularly again this week. More to come soon….love you all.
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