Bailey Boo Boo:
Monday, January 25, 2010
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Babies
Babies
Rose is far more efficient at sending out pictures of Clark than I ever was with Max. Although, I would like to point out that the technology available to do so today wasn’t really around when Max was that age, or at the very least, I was far less accessible and affordable. But I won’t hold that against her
This Clark thing gets me thinking a lot about biology and how babies do this weird thing to me. My baby makin’ days are long over, unless by some miracle of the Universe (because it really would take one at this point and I would have to hope that the powers that be might be extra kind at this stage in the game), I am 100% sure I won’t be having any more babies, even if I wanted to. Which, I definitely do not. I like other people’s babies just fine, especially when I can give them back.
Now that THAT is clarified, these images of Clark spark strong biological stirrings to be closer to him and his momma. I simply cannot deny that it’s real and it happens every time I see his little soft baby face and Rose smiling like a shiny new momma right next time. The pics I have of him on my fridge remind me that I have a sister and a nephew out there and she’s the only sister I’ve got and who knows, there might be more nephews/nieces, but man…this thing feels really big to me sometimes.
So I ponder the basics like, “Well it’s not that far to Texas from CO“ and “Theoretically I could drive there over long weekends.“ and “I have to hurry, he’s going to be all grown up before I see him!” because you know that’s how it works right? Babies? They grow up over night. If you don’t catch them while they are cute and wrinkly and soft and smell good, they grow up into teenagers who are still cute, but don’t always smell so good and are definitely NOT soft or wrinkly. The clock is a’tickin’ me thinks!
This doesn’t happen with everyone’s babies. I have several friends with brand spanking new babies and I like to hold them and look at them watch them do their little baby thing, but I’m not longing to hold them or hear all the details about childbirth and what it’s like for the new momma to have an infant. Nope, that only happens when I think of Rose and Clark. I mean, all the sudden I want to knit him a blanket and buy him baby clothes and when I see baby stuff in the store I’m oohing and ahhing.
Kristen and I talked about this at length recently as her brother and his wife were pregnant (lost the baby sadly) but we were all very excited and she mentioned she was having similar reaction. So, I don’t think I’m like completely crazy or needy or anything for feeling this way. I am just not sure how to manage it. Because we aren’t close (in all ways, physically tangible or otherwise) and the truth is that it might seem a bit odd to her if I was suddenly trying to be all up in her business after all this time. Thing is, I don’t care any more. That’s the crazy part. Something about this baby makes me want to be there, in her life, in his life, to hear the details and be there when the challenges strike. It feels like a calling of sorts.
Maybe I have aspirations of being a rockin’ Aunty like mine are, because goodness knows I have about the best examples on the planet on how to “Aunty” someone. Perhaps now that I AM someone’s Aunt, I can look at the amazing role MY Aunts have played in my life and want to strive to be that for someone else. Maybe not now nessisarly, but some day.
I keep thinking of how cool it is to know a child from the time they are infants until they are grown. Case in point, Kristen’s daughter Bethany. That little girl has grown into a lovely young woman, her birthday is next week (17 gasp) and I feel honored to know her and to have such history with her. After all, I literally did change her diapers, feed her baby food, burp her and let her puke all over me. I’ve seen her cry, laugh, grow, test all of us (she’s an Aquariaus just like me, same day and everything…she comes by it honestly) and now she is a sweet, beautiful young woman and I can look at her and still see what she was like as a child. We all practically lived together, while the kids were between 6 and 11 or so and Max and Bethany are bonded. We do family things together, birthday parties, holidays, etc every year. Bethany calls me when she needs computer help or wants me to help her with her computer lab homework. I cannot predict what the future holds for any of us, but I cannot fathom a reason why I wouldn’t at least be privy to what’s going on B’s life via Kristen over the years. I like that. I’m growing up and seeing the children I’ve loved grow up too.
Maybe all these reasons are why I want to be closer to Rose and Clark. Now, how to go about seeing what I can do about it? Finances could prove problematic (traveling is SOOOO expensive) but I can’t let that be a deterrent. We’ll see, it’ll come to me I’m sure. Always does.
Rose is far more efficient at sending out pictures of Clark than I ever was with Max. Although, I would like to point out that the technology available to do so today wasn’t really around when Max was that age, or at the very least, I was far less accessible and affordable. But I won’t hold that against her
This Clark thing gets me thinking a lot about biology and how babies do this weird thing to me. My baby makin’ days are long over, unless by some miracle of the Universe (because it really would take one at this point and I would have to hope that the powers that be might be extra kind at this stage in the game), I am 100% sure I won’t be having any more babies, even if I wanted to. Which, I definitely do not. I like other people’s babies just fine, especially when I can give them back.
Now that THAT is clarified, these images of Clark spark strong biological stirrings to be closer to him and his momma. I simply cannot deny that it’s real and it happens every time I see his little soft baby face and Rose smiling like a shiny new momma right next time. The pics I have of him on my fridge remind me that I have a sister and a nephew out there and she’s the only sister I’ve got and who knows, there might be more nephews/nieces, but man…this thing feels really big to me sometimes.
So I ponder the basics like, “Well it’s not that far to Texas from CO“ and “Theoretically I could drive there over long weekends.“ and “I have to hurry, he’s going to be all grown up before I see him!” because you know that’s how it works right? Babies? They grow up over night. If you don’t catch them while they are cute and wrinkly and soft and smell good, they grow up into teenagers who are still cute, but don’t always smell so good and are definitely NOT soft or wrinkly. The clock is a’tickin’ me thinks!
This doesn’t happen with everyone’s babies. I have several friends with brand spanking new babies and I like to hold them and look at them watch them do their little baby thing, but I’m not longing to hold them or hear all the details about childbirth and what it’s like for the new momma to have an infant. Nope, that only happens when I think of Rose and Clark. I mean, all the sudden I want to knit him a blanket and buy him baby clothes and when I see baby stuff in the store I’m oohing and ahhing.
Kristen and I talked about this at length recently as her brother and his wife were pregnant (lost the baby sadly) but we were all very excited and she mentioned she was having similar reaction. So, I don’t think I’m like completely crazy or needy or anything for feeling this way. I am just not sure how to manage it. Because we aren’t close (in all ways, physically tangible or otherwise) and the truth is that it might seem a bit odd to her if I was suddenly trying to be all up in her business after all this time. Thing is, I don’t care any more. That’s the crazy part. Something about this baby makes me want to be there, in her life, in his life, to hear the details and be there when the challenges strike. It feels like a calling of sorts.
Maybe I have aspirations of being a rockin’ Aunty like mine are, because goodness knows I have about the best examples on the planet on how to “Aunty” someone. Perhaps now that I AM someone’s Aunt, I can look at the amazing role MY Aunts have played in my life and want to strive to be that for someone else. Maybe not now nessisarly, but some day.
I keep thinking of how cool it is to know a child from the time they are infants until they are grown. Case in point, Kristen’s daughter Bethany. That little girl has grown into a lovely young woman, her birthday is next week (17 gasp) and I feel honored to know her and to have such history with her. After all, I literally did change her diapers, feed her baby food, burp her and let her puke all over me. I’ve seen her cry, laugh, grow, test all of us (she’s an Aquariaus just like me, same day and everything…she comes by it honestly) and now she is a sweet, beautiful young woman and I can look at her and still see what she was like as a child. We all practically lived together, while the kids were between 6 and 11 or so and Max and Bethany are bonded. We do family things together, birthday parties, holidays, etc every year. Bethany calls me when she needs computer help or wants me to help her with her computer lab homework. I cannot predict what the future holds for any of us, but I cannot fathom a reason why I wouldn’t at least be privy to what’s going on B’s life via Kristen over the years. I like that. I’m growing up and seeing the children I’ve loved grow up too.
Maybe all these reasons are why I want to be closer to Rose and Clark. Now, how to go about seeing what I can do about it? Finances could prove problematic (traveling is SOOOO expensive) but I can’t let that be a deterrent. We’ll see, it’ll come to me I’m sure. Always does.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Work/Life
Work
I definitely should talk about work a little. It’s been a steady flow of activity since right around Thanksgiving. Not only have we been inundated with bug fixes (it’s part of the cycle as any software developer knows) because we had a large revision go live to our core application in October, but my supervisor and our senior developer are bouncing around trying to accommodate a new client/project via phone conference, travel and online communications., This is incredible for business (this cold be out biggest client in the history of the company) but it’s also something the entire team will be included on once the requirements are written and finalized. We are also hiring up to 9 contract people to assist in development which is scheduled to start February 1 and last through the duration of this year and probably well into 2011 as I’m sure there will be at least 2 or 3 iterations of the application as a whole. Big, big, exciting news. The draw back you might ask? Well, for one, my supervisor has more than is reasonable on her plate, so she’s working really long hours and it can be rather difficult to actually talk to directly because she’s always in meetings, on the phone or totally engrossed in whatever she’s doing. She handles it like a pro, and I as always, I’m fascinated by her abilities. Some people are just born leaders, it’s really true. Secondly, they are trying to hire these contractors and that’s always a bowl of cherries. Hiring people STINKS because it’s always a gamble. All too often, we end up with contractors who are not qualified for the project or are overqualified and want to make a bajillion dollars (which doesn’t happen here btw, it runs like a non profit in the sense that you don’t make as much cash but there are other benefits and the contractors often don’t see those benefits b/c they aren’t full time employee’s) so even in this economy where people are really struggling for work, we seem to not end up with a properly qualified candidate with reasonable pay expectations. Thus, it’s not really anyone’s favorite thing around here, to hire people. I think that’s why most of the developers here stay a long long time, you are either a good fit, or you aren’t.
On top of that, we are moving office spaces at the end of the month which comes with its own challenges. The reward is the new office space itself. It’s lovely, modern (building is only 10 years old) and much more secure than our current building. We recently had a series of auto smash n grabs these past few months, in the middle of the day, very bold. Not only were what someone might deem valuable like an GPS system or an iPod, but one women lost her purse with all her kids pictures in it. Not cool man, not cool at all. On a side note, I’ve had several friends have their cars broken into lately, times are tough out there. Sad
The new office totally kicks serious ass and we are all excited. For my own personal reasons, I’m REALLY hoping the new office will help w/ my ongoing illnesses. My current office is very poorly ventilated, I often come to work with black stuff all over my desk and when the heat or air comes on, I cough and sneeze and feel like totally crap for at least the next hour. I’ve complained, they know about it. No one does anything. Whatever.
Obviously, the aforementioned factors have added some environmental tension to the office I think, but for the most part, it’s all being managed well by both senior level staff, but also by our group. I have days here where I’d like to just walk out and go work at a pet store for minimum wage, but they are rare indeed and when I do an inventory of why I love my job, management and my co-workers rank high on the list.
Also, recently had a review. It was ok, not stellar like I’d hoped. There were some criticisms, but in after thought, I can see that this is to be expected. I’m officially one of “them” now and my supervisor expects great things out of me, and she expects them promptly. She’s not going to settle for anything less, so the message was clear. The work is good, but we need you to churn it out a little quicker Sarah Banarah. OKAY OKAY. Fine. However, she did save face by saying in my review that she expected turn around time on issues to increase exponentially as I become more familiar with the applications (other than the core one which I’ve been working on most of this year), database standards and development procedures. Which, again in after thought, I realized that she’s right. I haven’t been a part of the team as long as everyone else here; the learning curve has been high this past year. In any event, now I know what is expected. No real raises this year, I mean, I won’t sneeze at the one I did get, but none of us got any real pay increases. Which we all expected. The truth of the matter is, in this economy, we are all just happy to have jobs to come to every day and direct deposit pay checks. I’ll take it, thank you very much.
Life
I’d like to say that I’ve had profound revelations and am on the journey to 100% clean living and spiritual enlightenment. But I’m not and I can’t. From October to January 1st, I gained 10 lbs. I know partly, this was due to my mother being in the house (she FRIES everything in oil and drinks beer like there’s not going to be more at the store, hard for me to ignore that) and couple that with the seemingly endless amount of food and booze that are associated with the holidays and voila, I managed to pack on another 10 lbs. I forgot to loose the LAST 10 lbs I gained, so this is doubly frustrating. These past few weeks, I’m trying to get back on track or at the very least, not scarfing down like there’s no tomorrow like I had been these past few months. I’m not putting a ton of pressure on myself, just trying to get realistic about loosing some weight in a healthy manner without restricting myself from the things I like to eat/drink. At least not 100%. Moderation is good, total restriction…bad. Very bad, make Sarah go bam bam!
The plan is to purchase a moderately priced treadmill and my hope is that between having something at home to exercise on regularly that doesn’t require much more than getting on it for half an hour a day and wearing what I feel comfortable in, in the privacy of my own home, along with cutting down the caloric intake, should make a difference in the next few months. We’ll see if I can actually fund a treadmill, it’s a pricy endeavor and no longer having any credit can really cause a girl to realize the value of what kind of money she actually has. Right now, I’m still catching up from Xmas and what seems like a never ending cycle of car repair bills. One thing I really dislike about the gym is…wait, a few things I really dislike about the gym: a) Everyone is stick skinny and I feel like a giant butterball turkey fruit b) At home, I can walk/jog on the treadmill in the same shorts I used to paint in last summer and no one is going to care or give me the stink eye and finally…c) I can listen to/watch/do whatever I want (whenever I want) while walking/jogging. Without distractions or obnoxious lights, etc..etc…etc…so, that’s the goal on that front.
Emotionally, I’m doing quite well. At least, in terms of where I’ve been in the past 6 months. Partly, this is me coming to terms with the reality of the situation with Max, part of this is me giving into forgiveness and compassion, part of it is my fantastic base of wonderful people’s in my life and part of this probably has something to do with Dave. He is a good man. He’s always there when I need him, no matter what, without question. He is loving, kind, works hard and our relationship is just…easy. We rarely argue, there just isn’t the kind of resistances I’ve experienced in past. He also spoils me rotten (did I mention the ring I got for the holidays and how he cooks for me whenever I don’t feel like cooking and does the dishes after too? Whoa) and it’s really hard not to like that. He just does things, I don’t even have to ask. He’s also very cuddly and everyone knows I’m a total cuddle monster, so that works out nicely. There must be a downside right? Yes, there always is…a) I, Sarah of the animals, can honeslty 100% without a doubt state publically state that I dislike his dog very very very much. No need to go into detail here, but this animal..well, I know it’s not just me. No one likes this dog and it really hurts me that I feel so strongly about it b/c I have never ever experienced such a situation. The dog is just…unbearable. So, this has caused some issue, but we are working through it. Dave knows what he’s got on his hands, I’m not the first person in his life to put their foot down about the poor doggy. I feel kind of bad for the doggy, he’s just a mess…but it’s Dave’s dog and they are uber bonded and. Which I can completely understand. BAILEY BOO BOO! I LOVE YOU – shout out for my AWESOME dog. Which she is btw, really…her bday is in February. There will be doggy cakes and hats. I’ll post pics
The other issue is that Dave is extremely introverted and private where as we all know that I am not at all like that, socially anyway. I walk into a room and talk to everyone, meanwhile, he’s smiling and nodding and it takes him a while to warm up enough to actually speak. Lucky for me, my best friend of 20+ years is also an extreme introvert and I am pretty comfortable with it when it comes to our personal relationship…but the challenge comes when we are social with other people. I’m always so concerned he’s not having fun or that he’ll be uncomfortable some how. Which, he never really is, it’s all me being anxious about nothing. Plus, I’m learning that I don’t have to be in the spotlight all the time. I don’t intend to, but I realize that my personality is naturally boisterous and loud and enjoys engaging with anyone and everyone, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be respectful of the fact that others aren’t built the same way. See, I AM learning how to be a grown up
I’m still hoping to get out to visit the Rose Bud, but I am nervous about actually getting out of the state this year for a vacation. I want to see Paula and go to Yellowstone as well, so it’s sort of dizzying to think about making it all happen. I’m not a patient woman when it comes to these things. I want what I want, when I want it and that is usually right friggen NOW. I’m getting there. Or at the very least, get realer about who I am.
Off for now chickee’s….guess I should do some work.
Loves to you all
S
I definitely should talk about work a little. It’s been a steady flow of activity since right around Thanksgiving. Not only have we been inundated with bug fixes (it’s part of the cycle as any software developer knows) because we had a large revision go live to our core application in October, but my supervisor and our senior developer are bouncing around trying to accommodate a new client/project via phone conference, travel and online communications., This is incredible for business (this cold be out biggest client in the history of the company) but it’s also something the entire team will be included on once the requirements are written and finalized. We are also hiring up to 9 contract people to assist in development which is scheduled to start February 1 and last through the duration of this year and probably well into 2011 as I’m sure there will be at least 2 or 3 iterations of the application as a whole. Big, big, exciting news. The draw back you might ask? Well, for one, my supervisor has more than is reasonable on her plate, so she’s working really long hours and it can be rather difficult to actually talk to directly because she’s always in meetings, on the phone or totally engrossed in whatever she’s doing. She handles it like a pro, and I as always, I’m fascinated by her abilities. Some people are just born leaders, it’s really true. Secondly, they are trying to hire these contractors and that’s always a bowl of cherries. Hiring people STINKS because it’s always a gamble. All too often, we end up with contractors who are not qualified for the project or are overqualified and want to make a bajillion dollars (which doesn’t happen here btw, it runs like a non profit in the sense that you don’t make as much cash but there are other benefits and the contractors often don’t see those benefits b/c they aren’t full time employee’s) so even in this economy where people are really struggling for work, we seem to not end up with a properly qualified candidate with reasonable pay expectations. Thus, it’s not really anyone’s favorite thing around here, to hire people. I think that’s why most of the developers here stay a long long time, you are either a good fit, or you aren’t.
On top of that, we are moving office spaces at the end of the month which comes with its own challenges. The reward is the new office space itself. It’s lovely, modern (building is only 10 years old) and much more secure than our current building. We recently had a series of auto smash n grabs these past few months, in the middle of the day, very bold. Not only were what someone might deem valuable like an GPS system or an iPod, but one women lost her purse with all her kids pictures in it. Not cool man, not cool at all. On a side note, I’ve had several friends have their cars broken into lately, times are tough out there. Sad
The new office totally kicks serious ass and we are all excited. For my own personal reasons, I’m REALLY hoping the new office will help w/ my ongoing illnesses. My current office is very poorly ventilated, I often come to work with black stuff all over my desk and when the heat or air comes on, I cough and sneeze and feel like totally crap for at least the next hour. I’ve complained, they know about it. No one does anything. Whatever.
Obviously, the aforementioned factors have added some environmental tension to the office I think, but for the most part, it’s all being managed well by both senior level staff, but also by our group. I have days here where I’d like to just walk out and go work at a pet store for minimum wage, but they are rare indeed and when I do an inventory of why I love my job, management and my co-workers rank high on the list.
Also, recently had a review. It was ok, not stellar like I’d hoped. There were some criticisms, but in after thought, I can see that this is to be expected. I’m officially one of “them” now and my supervisor expects great things out of me, and she expects them promptly. She’s not going to settle for anything less, so the message was clear. The work is good, but we need you to churn it out a little quicker Sarah Banarah. OKAY OKAY. Fine. However, she did save face by saying in my review that she expected turn around time on issues to increase exponentially as I become more familiar with the applications (other than the core one which I’ve been working on most of this year), database standards and development procedures. Which, again in after thought, I realized that she’s right. I haven’t been a part of the team as long as everyone else here; the learning curve has been high this past year. In any event, now I know what is expected. No real raises this year, I mean, I won’t sneeze at the one I did get, but none of us got any real pay increases. Which we all expected. The truth of the matter is, in this economy, we are all just happy to have jobs to come to every day and direct deposit pay checks. I’ll take it, thank you very much.
Life
I’d like to say that I’ve had profound revelations and am on the journey to 100% clean living and spiritual enlightenment. But I’m not and I can’t. From October to January 1st, I gained 10 lbs. I know partly, this was due to my mother being in the house (she FRIES everything in oil and drinks beer like there’s not going to be more at the store, hard for me to ignore that) and couple that with the seemingly endless amount of food and booze that are associated with the holidays and voila, I managed to pack on another 10 lbs. I forgot to loose the LAST 10 lbs I gained, so this is doubly frustrating. These past few weeks, I’m trying to get back on track or at the very least, not scarfing down like there’s no tomorrow like I had been these past few months. I’m not putting a ton of pressure on myself, just trying to get realistic about loosing some weight in a healthy manner without restricting myself from the things I like to eat/drink. At least not 100%. Moderation is good, total restriction…bad. Very bad, make Sarah go bam bam!
The plan is to purchase a moderately priced treadmill and my hope is that between having something at home to exercise on regularly that doesn’t require much more than getting on it for half an hour a day and wearing what I feel comfortable in, in the privacy of my own home, along with cutting down the caloric intake, should make a difference in the next few months. We’ll see if I can actually fund a treadmill, it’s a pricy endeavor and no longer having any credit can really cause a girl to realize the value of what kind of money she actually has. Right now, I’m still catching up from Xmas and what seems like a never ending cycle of car repair bills. One thing I really dislike about the gym is…wait, a few things I really dislike about the gym: a) Everyone is stick skinny and I feel like a giant butterball turkey fruit b) At home, I can walk/jog on the treadmill in the same shorts I used to paint in last summer and no one is going to care or give me the stink eye and finally…c) I can listen to/watch/do whatever I want (whenever I want) while walking/jogging. Without distractions or obnoxious lights, etc..etc…etc…so, that’s the goal on that front.
Emotionally, I’m doing quite well. At least, in terms of where I’ve been in the past 6 months. Partly, this is me coming to terms with the reality of the situation with Max, part of this is me giving into forgiveness and compassion, part of it is my fantastic base of wonderful people’s in my life and part of this probably has something to do with Dave. He is a good man. He’s always there when I need him, no matter what, without question. He is loving, kind, works hard and our relationship is just…easy. We rarely argue, there just isn’t the kind of resistances I’ve experienced in past. He also spoils me rotten (did I mention the ring I got for the holidays and how he cooks for me whenever I don’t feel like cooking and does the dishes after too? Whoa) and it’s really hard not to like that. He just does things, I don’t even have to ask. He’s also very cuddly and everyone knows I’m a total cuddle monster, so that works out nicely. There must be a downside right? Yes, there always is…a) I, Sarah of the animals, can honeslty 100% without a doubt state publically state that I dislike his dog very very very much. No need to go into detail here, but this animal..well, I know it’s not just me. No one likes this dog and it really hurts me that I feel so strongly about it b/c I have never ever experienced such a situation. The dog is just…unbearable. So, this has caused some issue, but we are working through it. Dave knows what he’s got on his hands, I’m not the first person in his life to put their foot down about the poor doggy. I feel kind of bad for the doggy, he’s just a mess…but it’s Dave’s dog and they are uber bonded and. Which I can completely understand. BAILEY BOO BOO! I LOVE YOU – shout out for my AWESOME dog. Which she is btw, really…her bday is in February. There will be doggy cakes and hats. I’ll post pics
The other issue is that Dave is extremely introverted and private where as we all know that I am not at all like that, socially anyway. I walk into a room and talk to everyone, meanwhile, he’s smiling and nodding and it takes him a while to warm up enough to actually speak. Lucky for me, my best friend of 20+ years is also an extreme introvert and I am pretty comfortable with it when it comes to our personal relationship…but the challenge comes when we are social with other people. I’m always so concerned he’s not having fun or that he’ll be uncomfortable some how. Which, he never really is, it’s all me being anxious about nothing. Plus, I’m learning that I don’t have to be in the spotlight all the time. I don’t intend to, but I realize that my personality is naturally boisterous and loud and enjoys engaging with anyone and everyone, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be respectful of the fact that others aren’t built the same way. See, I AM learning how to be a grown up
I’m still hoping to get out to visit the Rose Bud, but I am nervous about actually getting out of the state this year for a vacation. I want to see Paula and go to Yellowstone as well, so it’s sort of dizzying to think about making it all happen. I’m not a patient woman when it comes to these things. I want what I want, when I want it and that is usually right friggen NOW. I’m getting there. Or at the very least, get realer about who I am.
Off for now chickee’s….guess I should do some work.
Loves to you all
S
Monday, January 18, 2010
Finally, time to blog....
As predicted, this past month or so is a complete blur. Between Max’s visit, the holidays, work and some health issues Dave has been having, life feels a little more like a speeding train then the ambling, but focused railway car I’m attempting to emulate. I suppose I should start with Max because I know all will want an update on the subject and I can quite honestly say that I’ve not processed the visit yet. I do that, I sort of put the idea of “Max” in the back of my mind and try not to dwell on it too deeply because let’s face it, it’s a painful subject at times and living in that headspace can become debilitating for me. For some time now, I’ve been rolling with the punches and doing my best to continue to move onward and upward. But of course, having Max here for a week certainly made the reality of our separation a real one and while I do find myself missing him at times, frankly, a week long visit is probably just about the perfect amount right now. There is still a fair amount of tension between us and I think it’s going to take time and space to heal for both of us. We hurt each other, that’s the bottom line and based on how tightly joined we’ve been for his entire life; I knew the invedible separation of our respective lives would be a trying one on us both. I can also see now, that a lot of this WAS about his dad. Needing that connection, seeing dad as a way out of his responsibilities he had here with me and the expectations I had for his behavior. I can see a lot now that I could not that then and some of it is still pretty painful. Some of it makes more sense too.
So back to the detail of Max’s visit. I was feeling a lot of anxiety about it the week before. It all happened very quickly and I had little time to prepare. So getting grocerys in the house, etc…had to be done before he got there. Not to mention we had several other holiday events going on that same week, so it was a little chaotic. The holidays have their value, but I’m a bit overwhelmed by them always. Too much to do, to much food, to much wine…my whole schedule gets all jacked up! Blah.
Plus, I was uber stressed because I was getting no where with making the bus thing happen. Sean had it planted in Max’s head that a bus ride would be obscenely long and I should definitely be the one to have to drive to Casper and back to Denver in the same day if I want Max to visit so badly. It’s an 8 hour drive btw, round trip. And BORING. So boring. Sean refused to meet me Chugwater (a good halfway point for us both) and I just didn’t feel comfortable driving for a number of reasons, so the bus was the only option as far as I was concerned. I figured hey, if I’m willing to pay for it (not cheap) then Max should be willing to get on the damn thing. Meet halfway so to speak. Except Sean really wasn’t going to let up, he kept saying he wouldn’t drive Max to the bus depot the day he was supposed to leave and blah blah. Yeah, it’s like that people. Pretty petty behavior, huh? BUT, I held firm and it was finally agreed that Sean WOULD take Max to the bus station and that the bus was the best option for everyone involved. Both on a financial level, but also, considering the amount of time Max had off for the holiday break, I had a hard time buying it that he couldn’t sit on a bus for 6 hours. boo hoo. Get over it kiddo. You made the choice, this is how it is.
There were other antagonizing factors. I was wondering what it would be like between us? What if we just cannot get along? What if he pulls the BS he was pulling before he left. Staying out all night, clearly partying, etc….it’s enough to put any mom into a spin I suppose. Then I realized. I’m not just going to suddenly forget how to do this mom thing….but I wouldn’t exactly say that’s the nature of our relationship any more. He’s grown. Considerabley. At least 2 inches taller, he’s about 10 lbs thinner…but that could be from growing upwards. I think he’s being fed, though it sounds like he eats a lot of junk food and highly processed/instant stuff. Two men living alone together, that seems understandable I suppose. He’s a young man now though, for sure. He is far more independent than he was when he left here in every way it seems. He DID end up going to a party the first night he was here and did spend a fair amount of time with his bro’s, but what was impressive was it wasn’t like he was relying on me to make sure he got to/fro and that he had money. I think Max may have gotten a pretty intense shell shock when he moved to Casper and realized that it WAS ok for him to get himself around and I’m not such a horrible mother for expecting him to begin making that happen. He also seems really determined to get a job. Max is used to have spending money, yes it’s MY money, but I gave him an allowance or if he needed something, he got it. He wasn’t totally spoiled, but he wasn’t in a position where he needed a job to buy his own clothes and school supplies. Now he is. Sean doesn’t buy him clothes. Or school supplies. Or shoes or vitamins or the stuff he needs for his acne. I don’t know if it’s because Sean doesn’t have the money or if he simply doesn’t get it that you are supposed to do this for your kid, but as much as it bothered me in the moment when I found all this out, I realized that all I can do is help Max have those things when he’s with me and when he’s with Sean, he’s WITH Sean. These are the outcomes of the choices Max has made and I am hard pressed to feel sorry for him. I feel a twinge of rage with Sean when I think about this (who doesn’t buy their kids shoes?) but I keep that to myself, say nothing and do my best to let the man child experience the situation without injecting too much of my emotion into it. So, I took the kid to the mall and bought him a bunch of clothes (he literally came with all the clothes he had and for a 17 year old boy, it was hardly sufficient) and he got as much as he could for the money I had and even though he had a crappy attitude for a moment (apparently, it’s STILL my responsibility to make sure he has nice things and I was clean out of cash and he wanted this hat and almost literally started throwing a fit…like a toddler. It was kind of upsetting to watch him act like that.) he was very appreciative after the fact and I could tell he genuinely was happy to have a few pairs of new jeans, a new pair of shoes, a bunch of hats and about 5 new shirts.
There was also an incident with Pumpkin. She had a seizure while I wasn’t there. Max called me and berated me for half an hour about how I should have “taken care” of Pumpkin a long time ago and what’s wrong with me for not “putting her out of her misery.” He sounded JUST like his father. Disrespectful, totally arrogant and painfully insensitive. He insisted I leave work immediately and come take Pumpkin to the vet. I expliained to him that wasn’t an option, she’s been to the vet, we know she’s having seizures and I don’t expect her to be with us very long, but it’s MY decision and he needs to drop it because he really has no say in the matter. I know that sounds harsh, but if any of you heard how he was talking to me….you’d be proud of me for being firm. He was acting like an ass and the simple truth is, I don’t have to put up with it and I will not.
In spite of the few bumps we had making it all happen and some of the attitude and behaviors (he smokes cigarettes now, openly, that’s kind of akward) we ended up having a wonderful time. We had lots of good interactions and talks. He’s a good person and there is a big part of me that felt relieved to see that he hasn’t transformed completely into some unrecognizable being. He’s still Max, his eyes still sparkle when he laughs, he’s still polite and considerate (mostly) and I see a young person trying to find himself. We don’t talk much about how he interacts with Sean, I try to stay off that subject as much as possible. Even though I’m desperately curious about it, I don’t think I’d get any satisfying information by probing. I figure that will come out in time and when the opportunity presents itself, I think Max will open up more. He did tell me that they going hiking and 4wheeling a lot together and that seems to be of great enjoyment to Max. So, that’s a plus. Max did also share some disturbing things, but I just try not to think about it because it will eat me up inside if I do. There’s not much I can do. Besides, Sean is just digging himself into a hole by drinking in excess around Max and talking such ugliness (and mostly untrue, grrrr) about me. Sean has to know that’s not going to go anywhere good, but to be perfectly blunt....this is the Sean I know. It’s his pathetic attempt to get Max on “his” side and perhaps try to redirect any accountability for his own actions in the past. I don’t know, but it really is a very sad act. I try not to linger here, it gets me upset.
Another interesting outcome of this visit was that Max asked me very directly if I might considering allowing him to move back in after he’s finished high school in Casper so he can attend Warren Tech here in 2011 for auto and big diesel mechanics. He’s a young male, his mind will change 8 different times and who knows what might happen between now and then, but mainly…I was just thrilled to hear him actually talking about persuing some kind of technical/vocational training. I think he’s getting it that these days, you really do have to have SOME kind of skill or trade to support yourself. I don’t care what he does or how much money he makes, I just want him to be happy and I know he would be happy tinkering around in engine grease. My answer you wonder? I told him I’d think about it, but that he would have to have a job and we’d have to establish some pretty basic ground rules for living together again. Think of it kids, he’d be 19 or even 20 depending on when he started. What would THAT be like? I honestly don’t know and I can’t actually promise I would allow him back home. I just don’t know right now, it’s a while from now, we have time…but it was something to ponder for sure. People often ask me what I would say if Max asked me right now to move home. I would have to say no. That might be surprising for many to hear, but I just know it in my heart. This is one of those places where he’s got to live out his choices. I can’t bail him out on this one. Obviously if there was some kind of abuse or physical danger, I’d help him, but just to come back b/c he doesn’t want to deal with it any more.....nope, I don’t think so. And can you blame me? That child has been putting me through the wringer for 3 or 4 years now and it’s always something. I’m so over that kind of chaos. I will always be his mother and love him very deeply, but the little fledgling is out in the world now and I feel pretty strongly about him having to account for his actions and choices. I certainly have and do, its just how life works.
Soooo, I’m kind of emotionally depleted now so I promise to post some pics and get back to blogging regularly again this week. More to come soon….love you all.
So back to the detail of Max’s visit. I was feeling a lot of anxiety about it the week before. It all happened very quickly and I had little time to prepare. So getting grocerys in the house, etc…had to be done before he got there. Not to mention we had several other holiday events going on that same week, so it was a little chaotic. The holidays have their value, but I’m a bit overwhelmed by them always. Too much to do, to much food, to much wine…my whole schedule gets all jacked up! Blah.
Plus, I was uber stressed because I was getting no where with making the bus thing happen. Sean had it planted in Max’s head that a bus ride would be obscenely long and I should definitely be the one to have to drive to Casper and back to Denver in the same day if I want Max to visit so badly. It’s an 8 hour drive btw, round trip. And BORING. So boring. Sean refused to meet me Chugwater (a good halfway point for us both) and I just didn’t feel comfortable driving for a number of reasons, so the bus was the only option as far as I was concerned. I figured hey, if I’m willing to pay for it (not cheap) then Max should be willing to get on the damn thing. Meet halfway so to speak. Except Sean really wasn’t going to let up, he kept saying he wouldn’t drive Max to the bus depot the day he was supposed to leave and blah blah. Yeah, it’s like that people. Pretty petty behavior, huh? BUT, I held firm and it was finally agreed that Sean WOULD take Max to the bus station and that the bus was the best option for everyone involved. Both on a financial level, but also, considering the amount of time Max had off for the holiday break, I had a hard time buying it that he couldn’t sit on a bus for 6 hours. boo hoo. Get over it kiddo. You made the choice, this is how it is.
There were other antagonizing factors. I was wondering what it would be like between us? What if we just cannot get along? What if he pulls the BS he was pulling before he left. Staying out all night, clearly partying, etc….it’s enough to put any mom into a spin I suppose. Then I realized. I’m not just going to suddenly forget how to do this mom thing….but I wouldn’t exactly say that’s the nature of our relationship any more. He’s grown. Considerabley. At least 2 inches taller, he’s about 10 lbs thinner…but that could be from growing upwards. I think he’s being fed, though it sounds like he eats a lot of junk food and highly processed/instant stuff. Two men living alone together, that seems understandable I suppose. He’s a young man now though, for sure. He is far more independent than he was when he left here in every way it seems. He DID end up going to a party the first night he was here and did spend a fair amount of time with his bro’s, but what was impressive was it wasn’t like he was relying on me to make sure he got to/fro and that he had money. I think Max may have gotten a pretty intense shell shock when he moved to Casper and realized that it WAS ok for him to get himself around and I’m not such a horrible mother for expecting him to begin making that happen. He also seems really determined to get a job. Max is used to have spending money, yes it’s MY money, but I gave him an allowance or if he needed something, he got it. He wasn’t totally spoiled, but he wasn’t in a position where he needed a job to buy his own clothes and school supplies. Now he is. Sean doesn’t buy him clothes. Or school supplies. Or shoes or vitamins or the stuff he needs for his acne. I don’t know if it’s because Sean doesn’t have the money or if he simply doesn’t get it that you are supposed to do this for your kid, but as much as it bothered me in the moment when I found all this out, I realized that all I can do is help Max have those things when he’s with me and when he’s with Sean, he’s WITH Sean. These are the outcomes of the choices Max has made and I am hard pressed to feel sorry for him. I feel a twinge of rage with Sean when I think about this (who doesn’t buy their kids shoes?) but I keep that to myself, say nothing and do my best to let the man child experience the situation without injecting too much of my emotion into it. So, I took the kid to the mall and bought him a bunch of clothes (he literally came with all the clothes he had and for a 17 year old boy, it was hardly sufficient) and he got as much as he could for the money I had and even though he had a crappy attitude for a moment (apparently, it’s STILL my responsibility to make sure he has nice things and I was clean out of cash and he wanted this hat and almost literally started throwing a fit…like a toddler. It was kind of upsetting to watch him act like that.) he was very appreciative after the fact and I could tell he genuinely was happy to have a few pairs of new jeans, a new pair of shoes, a bunch of hats and about 5 new shirts.
There was also an incident with Pumpkin. She had a seizure while I wasn’t there. Max called me and berated me for half an hour about how I should have “taken care” of Pumpkin a long time ago and what’s wrong with me for not “putting her out of her misery.” He sounded JUST like his father. Disrespectful, totally arrogant and painfully insensitive. He insisted I leave work immediately and come take Pumpkin to the vet. I expliained to him that wasn’t an option, she’s been to the vet, we know she’s having seizures and I don’t expect her to be with us very long, but it’s MY decision and he needs to drop it because he really has no say in the matter. I know that sounds harsh, but if any of you heard how he was talking to me….you’d be proud of me for being firm. He was acting like an ass and the simple truth is, I don’t have to put up with it and I will not.
In spite of the few bumps we had making it all happen and some of the attitude and behaviors (he smokes cigarettes now, openly, that’s kind of akward) we ended up having a wonderful time. We had lots of good interactions and talks. He’s a good person and there is a big part of me that felt relieved to see that he hasn’t transformed completely into some unrecognizable being. He’s still Max, his eyes still sparkle when he laughs, he’s still polite and considerate (mostly) and I see a young person trying to find himself. We don’t talk much about how he interacts with Sean, I try to stay off that subject as much as possible. Even though I’m desperately curious about it, I don’t think I’d get any satisfying information by probing. I figure that will come out in time and when the opportunity presents itself, I think Max will open up more. He did tell me that they going hiking and 4wheeling a lot together and that seems to be of great enjoyment to Max. So, that’s a plus. Max did also share some disturbing things, but I just try not to think about it because it will eat me up inside if I do. There’s not much I can do. Besides, Sean is just digging himself into a hole by drinking in excess around Max and talking such ugliness (and mostly untrue, grrrr) about me. Sean has to know that’s not going to go anywhere good, but to be perfectly blunt....this is the Sean I know. It’s his pathetic attempt to get Max on “his” side and perhaps try to redirect any accountability for his own actions in the past. I don’t know, but it really is a very sad act. I try not to linger here, it gets me upset.
Another interesting outcome of this visit was that Max asked me very directly if I might considering allowing him to move back in after he’s finished high school in Casper so he can attend Warren Tech here in 2011 for auto and big diesel mechanics. He’s a young male, his mind will change 8 different times and who knows what might happen between now and then, but mainly…I was just thrilled to hear him actually talking about persuing some kind of technical/vocational training. I think he’s getting it that these days, you really do have to have SOME kind of skill or trade to support yourself. I don’t care what he does or how much money he makes, I just want him to be happy and I know he would be happy tinkering around in engine grease. My answer you wonder? I told him I’d think about it, but that he would have to have a job and we’d have to establish some pretty basic ground rules for living together again. Think of it kids, he’d be 19 or even 20 depending on when he started. What would THAT be like? I honestly don’t know and I can’t actually promise I would allow him back home. I just don’t know right now, it’s a while from now, we have time…but it was something to ponder for sure. People often ask me what I would say if Max asked me right now to move home. I would have to say no. That might be surprising for many to hear, but I just know it in my heart. This is one of those places where he’s got to live out his choices. I can’t bail him out on this one. Obviously if there was some kind of abuse or physical danger, I’d help him, but just to come back b/c he doesn’t want to deal with it any more.....nope, I don’t think so. And can you blame me? That child has been putting me through the wringer for 3 or 4 years now and it’s always something. I’m so over that kind of chaos. I will always be his mother and love him very deeply, but the little fledgling is out in the world now and I feel pretty strongly about him having to account for his actions and choices. I certainly have and do, its just how life works.
Soooo, I’m kind of emotionally depleted now so I promise to post some pics and get back to blogging regularly again this week. More to come soon….love you all.
Tuesday, January 05, 2010
There Will Be An Update
….coming soon…..
I just don’t have the energy today, I’m pretty burned out from the holidays and a touch of the crud.
Today is my father’s birthday though and I feel I should acknowledge that. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how time and space can heal many many things, if you let it.
Anyway, Happy Birthday Daddy, sorry it’s taken me so long to get here. I love you.
I just don’t have the energy today, I’m pretty burned out from the holidays and a touch of the crud.
Today is my father’s birthday though and I feel I should acknowledge that. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how time and space can heal many many things, if you let it.
Anyway, Happy Birthday Daddy, sorry it’s taken me so long to get here. I love you.
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