It’s been a literal whirl of activity in the past month or so and I finally feel more able to breathe a bit, thank goodness!
Work has been incredibly demanding as of late and I dare say, it’s not been my favorite activity recently, but I surely cannot complain. As someone recently pointed out to me, the economy has everyone on edge and we are all having to work harder to prove our worth and justify the expense of our salaries. Mostly, I feel lucky to have a job, even if I am not always happy here. All positions have their ups and downs, mine just happens to be in a “down” period at the moment. My team is getting a lot of heat about turn around time on development and accuracy of code. It’s an ongoing issue, and not specific to just one developer (i.e..me b/c I take my work performance very personally) so as we all know, the extra good gooey stuff rolls down hill and it’s definitely been rolling into my lap these past few months. I just try to roll with it and take the good with the bad. My supervisor is amazing for the most part, I like the work I do and my co-workers are pretty cool. We are getting ready to move buildings, just across the highway from where we are now and I am looking forward to that. No more black crap spewing out all over my from the vents over my desk and new cube walls too! Plus, the building is beautifully done and considerably more modern then our current location. Moving will be hectic, as moves generally are, but I know we are all looking forward to getting it over with and acclimating to our new building.
Max will be here on the 19th for about a two week visit to Colorado. He’ll be with me until the 28th and then off to his Grandparents for the remainder of his visit. I am bouncing out of my skin with excitement, as well as some apprehension and anxiousness. It’s been five months since we last saw one another and that’s long enough for me to sense changes in us both. It’s not like I will forget how to wear my mommy crown when we are in one another’s presence. The boy has been part of me since the day he was conceived and you don’t spend 17 years being someone’s mother just to have that dissipate in a period of five months. I just wonder how the dynamic will change. How has he changed? How have I changed? In many ways, I find this whole concept of having him a few times a year and playing Disney Land Momma pretty enticing. The truth is that I feel much less pressure. Almost like I can let my guard down and enjoy him for a change because let’s face it, I can be that mom that worries and hovers and clucks when he’s in the house, under my roof and my responsibility. But, since that is no longer the case and I’m not the one responsible for meeting with his teachers and making sure he’s doing his homework and worrying about where he is and who he’s with and reminding him to pick up his room and do his laundry and blah blah blah blah (which in the grand scheme of it all, is relatively unimportant I know can now actually see that in reality and not just in theory) I do feel a load lightened a bit. Plus, I think he’s really grown. Sometimes I sense that being with Sean is what had to happen to help the boy child grow into a man child and find some sense of independence, not just from me, but from the grips of the “evil adults” who have surrounded him his whole life. We are such bastards. Only wanting the best for him and laying down boundaries. How dare we !?!?!? *giggle*
The really cool thing? The really really cool thing is that I know Max is a wicked interesting and beautiful person in there. Behind all that teenage acne and hormones and acting out. I’ve always known it and I adore him, regardless. Space, time and change can be a grand healer of many wounds. It’s something I learn time and time again, but am never surprised by. I’ll have much to report on this subject I am sure after his visit. One never knows how something will pan out, but I surely am looking forward t seeing him.
Many holiday events already passed and to come have kept me fat and happy this season. Not only is the food decadent, the wine flows, friends hug and laugh, life feels good. January is going to be a bitch, getting back to eating like a normal person again. So much holiday goodness to be had all year!
I expect New Year’s Eve to be quiet. Just Dave and I, dinner, maybe a movie. I like this Dave fella. He makes me happy and treats me wonderfully. He’s a good poo poo for sure. More to report on that as the situation progresses.
Rose responded with open arms to my visit idea. I am thrilled. Hoping to make that happen around the 1st of April 2010. Finances could prove troublesome because traveling is pricey no matter how you slice it, luckily though….Dallas tickets are totally reasonable and it only takes about an hour to get there. All I know is that seeing my nephew and sister feels important. Family is family and I find myself more inclined to put energy into building that relationship then in years past. She’s a mommy now, there’s a new baby in the family, hello!
I’m also hoping to take a trip to Yellowstone this coming year. It’s a total win/win vacation. Location = driveable, accommodations = camping fee’s/gear, pets = allowed, beautiful wilderness = check!
I’ll have to think about what my goals are for 2010. Going back to school feels high on my radar screen, even if it’s just one class a semester. There’s really no excuse not to in light of Max’s absence from my daily life. I know I’d like to loose some weight, exercise more….but I say that every year. Actually loosing weight is a pretty serious endeavor, especially at first. It takes a real shift in life style, especially after all these years of eating, drinking too much and not enough exercise. I feel more ready though, that’s for sure.
Ok, I should get some work done. Off for now my lovelies, love to you all.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Thursday, December 03, 2009
Wednesday, December 02, 2009
News
The most recent news is that my mom has moved back up to her house. For now. I am not convinced that it is permanent; I suspect my home will be a haven for her when life feels intolerable. I’m ok with that as long as it does not become a pattern for any length of time because the transition periods between her staying with me and then leaving again are difficult. It also brings up a lot of weird abandonment stuff, which kind of pisses me off. Damn, that stuff is a pain in the ass.
Thanksgiving was lovely. I won’t be cooking or hosting again next year, but it was something I could see me doing every other year. I cooked, I cleaned, we drank wine and played games and spent a lot of time playing with the kids/dogs and I enjoyed that a great deal. Pam wasn’t at my house for Turkey Day, in fact, that is what prompted her return to her home. She felt it would be to tense for her and Jim at my house and she didn’t want Jim to be alone for the holiday weekend so she went up there and seems that sealed the deal. I thought that might happen, my spidey senses figured it might be to difficult for her to return after a few days in her own home. To say I appreciate my solitude again would be an understatement. Not to mention that I managed to gain a few pounds while she was living with me and that does NOT bode well for a long term scenario.
The remainder of Turkey Day was spent with Dave, Paula and Jeff and running errands. Cosmic (karmic) Bowling was a blast and we would’ve tried to keep up with all the kids there if we all weren’t so tired. Turns out, midnight seems much later than it used to. Especially after a busy day of errands and food and playing pool and singing bad karaoke at the bar. I miss Paula; I tried not to cry when I first saw her and when I had to drop her off at the airport, which was pointless. We were hanging around, sort of watching Star Trek and just being together in the same room and having breakfast. I could see us being old women and doing that. In an ideal world, Kristen, Paula, Crystal, Kim and Sandy would all join me in the same retirement village and we would crotchet blankets for our grandbabies and nephews babies and neighbors babies and play gin rummy and gossip about our younger years and giggle with delight at how bad and good and ornery we all were. We would honor our yesteryears with love and sentiment and go home each night knowing we always have each other. A silly school-girl fantasy about wanting my women surrounding me for all of eternity. There is no bond like that of women.
The coming weeks will flash by in a blur, that’s just how Thanksgiving and Christmas go. Holiday parties and too much food and booze will surely catch up with me. Thank goodness I get a few days off at the end of December.
Max did not make it for Thanksgiving. His father didn’t want to drive him up here from Casper. I can understand, that drive sucks. To bad that’s what he agreed to do if he didn’t have to work, but I know better than to trust Sean’s promises so I didn’t get my hopes up. I was very disappointed and did my best not to let it affect me in any debilitating way…but it did. I think I hid it well in front of others, but Dave got to do a fair amount of holding me and letting the tears flow. He’s amazing at that btw, in case I didn’t mention it. It’s nice to be consoled and held, I’ve finally figured out that it’s ok for me to appreciate it and not feel weak for doing so. Anyway, hopefully Max will be here for the end of December as he’ll have a fair amount of time off for school. We’ll see. I sure hope so though because I feel us growing distant and I’ve lately sensed a shift in his attitude toward me. Once again, he’s a teenager who has serious momma issues and is living with his estranged (until recently) father who has a lot of issues of his own with me, so I’m bound to face some strange and awkward behaviors…..even if Max and I are more than 500 miles away from each other. I miss him though. Desperately. Sometimes the pain of Max’s absence is so strong I physically ache. I can’t quite figure out why nature makes it this way, that children and their mothers must experience this separation so that the children can begin to make their own ways in life, meanwhile…the mother is left to try and make sense of what is left of her life and start over.
That seems to be the key here in this life, learning how to start over successfully without loosing it in the transition period. That and those pesky boundary issues that seem to haunt me. I am seeing the truth in that the more you let go of outcomes and expectations and needs, the more fulfilling and less overwhelming life is. It’s more than just living in the moment, way more. I’ve always known this in theory, but as I’ve stated countless times before, theory and practice are two very different things. When you have no choice but to practice a theory you’ve long researched and believed in, that is when you learn the lesson. It hurts and feels like grinding against the grain, but its good stuff. Some of us just cannot learn simply by reading about it or writing about it or attempting to try it on for size from time to time. Some of us have to be thrown deeply into the pit to figure it out. There are days I wish I weren’t that person, that reading a book and trying to better understand life through theory would somehow alleviate so much of the confusion and frustration and pain…but I am and with all that flailing and stumbling, comes all the great joys and love that life has to offer.
Sigh.
That said, I did finally grow the cajones to ask Rose if she might like a visit from me in the spring of 2010. I have not heard yet back from her and I realize it could and probably will take some time for us to decide as a group if that’s an option or not, but at the urging of a very wise Aunty, I thought it wouldn’t hurt to put it out on the table. All she can do is say no, right? We’ll see how it pans out. Luckily, it’s UBER cheap to fly to Texas, so maybe I’ll get lucky and have the opportunity to meet my nephew in person some day.
I’m off for tonight. My home desktop is toast until I can afford a new hard drive, so I’m using my work laptop all the time now which makes getting photos online a little harder. But I have some fun fun ones to post, of Bailey and Gaia and other fun little critters. Speaking of Bailey, I’d better go, she’s terribly jealous of my laptop :)
Thanksgiving was lovely. I won’t be cooking or hosting again next year, but it was something I could see me doing every other year. I cooked, I cleaned, we drank wine and played games and spent a lot of time playing with the kids/dogs and I enjoyed that a great deal. Pam wasn’t at my house for Turkey Day, in fact, that is what prompted her return to her home. She felt it would be to tense for her and Jim at my house and she didn’t want Jim to be alone for the holiday weekend so she went up there and seems that sealed the deal. I thought that might happen, my spidey senses figured it might be to difficult for her to return after a few days in her own home. To say I appreciate my solitude again would be an understatement. Not to mention that I managed to gain a few pounds while she was living with me and that does NOT bode well for a long term scenario.
The remainder of Turkey Day was spent with Dave, Paula and Jeff and running errands. Cosmic (karmic) Bowling was a blast and we would’ve tried to keep up with all the kids there if we all weren’t so tired. Turns out, midnight seems much later than it used to. Especially after a busy day of errands and food and playing pool and singing bad karaoke at the bar. I miss Paula; I tried not to cry when I first saw her and when I had to drop her off at the airport, which was pointless. We were hanging around, sort of watching Star Trek and just being together in the same room and having breakfast. I could see us being old women and doing that. In an ideal world, Kristen, Paula, Crystal, Kim and Sandy would all join me in the same retirement village and we would crotchet blankets for our grandbabies and nephews babies and neighbors babies and play gin rummy and gossip about our younger years and giggle with delight at how bad and good and ornery we all were. We would honor our yesteryears with love and sentiment and go home each night knowing we always have each other. A silly school-girl fantasy about wanting my women surrounding me for all of eternity. There is no bond like that of women.
The coming weeks will flash by in a blur, that’s just how Thanksgiving and Christmas go. Holiday parties and too much food and booze will surely catch up with me. Thank goodness I get a few days off at the end of December.
Max did not make it for Thanksgiving. His father didn’t want to drive him up here from Casper. I can understand, that drive sucks. To bad that’s what he agreed to do if he didn’t have to work, but I know better than to trust Sean’s promises so I didn’t get my hopes up. I was very disappointed and did my best not to let it affect me in any debilitating way…but it did. I think I hid it well in front of others, but Dave got to do a fair amount of holding me and letting the tears flow. He’s amazing at that btw, in case I didn’t mention it. It’s nice to be consoled and held, I’ve finally figured out that it’s ok for me to appreciate it and not feel weak for doing so. Anyway, hopefully Max will be here for the end of December as he’ll have a fair amount of time off for school. We’ll see. I sure hope so though because I feel us growing distant and I’ve lately sensed a shift in his attitude toward me. Once again, he’s a teenager who has serious momma issues and is living with his estranged (until recently) father who has a lot of issues of his own with me, so I’m bound to face some strange and awkward behaviors…..even if Max and I are more than 500 miles away from each other. I miss him though. Desperately. Sometimes the pain of Max’s absence is so strong I physically ache. I can’t quite figure out why nature makes it this way, that children and their mothers must experience this separation so that the children can begin to make their own ways in life, meanwhile…the mother is left to try and make sense of what is left of her life and start over.
That seems to be the key here in this life, learning how to start over successfully without loosing it in the transition period. That and those pesky boundary issues that seem to haunt me. I am seeing the truth in that the more you let go of outcomes and expectations and needs, the more fulfilling and less overwhelming life is. It’s more than just living in the moment, way more. I’ve always known this in theory, but as I’ve stated countless times before, theory and practice are two very different things. When you have no choice but to practice a theory you’ve long researched and believed in, that is when you learn the lesson. It hurts and feels like grinding against the grain, but its good stuff. Some of us just cannot learn simply by reading about it or writing about it or attempting to try it on for size from time to time. Some of us have to be thrown deeply into the pit to figure it out. There are days I wish I weren’t that person, that reading a book and trying to better understand life through theory would somehow alleviate so much of the confusion and frustration and pain…but I am and with all that flailing and stumbling, comes all the great joys and love that life has to offer.
Sigh.
That said, I did finally grow the cajones to ask Rose if she might like a visit from me in the spring of 2010. I have not heard yet back from her and I realize it could and probably will take some time for us to decide as a group if that’s an option or not, but at the urging of a very wise Aunty, I thought it wouldn’t hurt to put it out on the table. All she can do is say no, right? We’ll see how it pans out. Luckily, it’s UBER cheap to fly to Texas, so maybe I’ll get lucky and have the opportunity to meet my nephew in person some day.
I’m off for tonight. My home desktop is toast until I can afford a new hard drive, so I’m using my work laptop all the time now which makes getting photos online a little harder. But I have some fun fun ones to post, of Bailey and Gaia and other fun little critters. Speaking of Bailey, I’d better go, she’s terribly jealous of my laptop :)
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