Silence

Max is with his dad, up at the grandparent’s house in Idaho Springs. It is always much to quiet in the house without him. It’s a silence that only the absence of a child can leave. Every sound permeates the entire house and I find myself feeling more comfortable holed up in my bedroom, with Gaia on my lap, reading then anywhere else in the house at the moment.

In years past, when Max was with his father’s family for any period of time I took it as an opportunity to be social with friends or get work done. I now realize this can’t go on forever. I no longer need to use that time to go party and be “young” because I am growing up and so is he. Some day soon he’ll be spending longer and longer periods away from mom, away from home and I suppose it is in those spaces that I must begin to progress my activities accordingly. Navigating this experience is new to me. It is taking on the form of exploring the next chapters of my own life while Max is out beginning his own. It’s a noticeable transition, both internally and externally. For the first time in a long time, I feel like I am ready to establish some goals and go after them. Finishing my BA seems to be the most obvious and logical choice, plus it’s what I always said I would do when Max got old enough. Though, frankly, I am not entirely sure it’s what I truly want. I am not quite sure what this looks like yet.

There are times when I welcome this space from Max. Other times, like now, I don’t so much. We had such a gloriously relaxing Holiday (other then a stomach thing that made my life uncomfortable for about 24 hours) complete with too much food, movies and video games together. It is in those moments that I truly enjoy him and it is in those moments that we bond so that we can be there for each other when we aren’t enjoying each other so much. It was hard to let him go yesterday after such 5 days together that felt absolutely necessary, especially with the knowledge that we’ll face the standard “Mom, your rules are ridiculous and I don’t have to listen to you.” attitude upon his return, complete with irritability and crankiness that lasts for anywhere from 1 – 2 weeks. During this time period he is prone to pick fights, snap at me without provocation, and be of the mindset that he can do as he pleases without any sort of repercussion or consequence. Without fail, some incident always occurs at school either with a teacher or another kid. And unfortunately, this particular visit coincides with Max getting home on a Sunday and returning to school on Monday. I wish it weren’t the case, but I am prepared for a full on battle upon his return both at home and at school because besides the “Disneyland Dad Syndrome” he’s going to incur, he’s also facing being off school for two weeks and returning to start a new semester.

Goddess help us all.

So, in short while I am of the opinion that these visits are clearly something Max needs, it’s never something I look forward to in terms of the bigger picture because there is always fall out. I’d say it’s the most tangible example of how the primary care taker is almost always left to clean up the messes of the absent parent. It’s some straight up BS in my opinion, but happening nonetheless and it kills me to see my son come home and struggle like he does after these visits. It brings on momma bear rage and all sorts of feelings of frustration toward Sean AND the grandparent’s because it doesn’t have to be this way and I get tired of all the finger pointing that goes on. And I’m tired of pointing mine (can you guess which one?) at them, so I’ll stop before I begin ranting.

In other news, I have the option to take another 4 day weekend this weekend with the New Year’s holiday. I am considering it, though with my injury from this year and how I accrue PTO, I will be less some PTO for 2009 so I want to be sure and use those days wisely. I am thinking of a trip to San Francisco with Max. I think it might be a really great experience for him, to see where he was borne, where we lived, the beautiful city. I am not sure how I’d swing this financially; I may pick up a contract job after we move to do so. We’ll see.

Out for now friends, peace to you all.