It’s been a quiet, but steady seven days since this time last week. My long holiday weekend was relaxing, mostly solitary and reflective. Taking the time to consider the person one wishes to become and the person one is actually becoming can be cause for both a sense of satisfaction and arduous internal debate.
Are these two people destined to stand in opposition with one another indefinitely?
I suspect so to some degree. This opposition must be what motivates some of us to strive for something “more.” Whatever that “more” may be for you; monetary wealth or love or finding bliss or even on the more basic level of getting to the point where you are doing more then simply surviving. There must be more purpose to this life then simply surviving it? That’s another post topic all together I suppose so back to topic….
What I am learning, is that for now, for me, I will gladly start with simply striving to be the best person that I can. Going back to the basics I mean, it seems an obvious place to start doesn’t it? I’ve felt lost, unfocused and astray for so long now that it finally occurred to me that rather then flailing around like a wet cat, scratching my way through each day and not always feeling like I have much more purpose in my step then getting from one to the next, it’s time to take a direct inventory of myself and this life I’ve created. A sort of checks and balances of my thoughts, choices and actions from this point on.
At this moment for me, three shinning stars top the list:
a) Nurturement Of Self
Physical, spiritual, emotional, mental and psychological. Taking the time out to take care of myself first, I am tired of feeling selfish for doing so. I no longer tie myself to the idea that women aren’t suppose to do what’s right for them before anyone else, I am no longer married to the concept that I am not a good person unless I am giving more of myself then I am receiving. This is a period of self-renewal for me and I’m going after it and not looking back. Experience and age are beginning to teach me that time in this body is limited; I don’t intend to fritter it away any longer. This means incorporating that which fulfills my needs as high a priority on the “To Do List” as my son’s or the house cleaning or the laundry or my mother’s or my friends or anyone else. This means putting physical activity on the calendar 5 days a week in the form that most accommodates my style and desires. This means consuming a balance of both pleasurable and nutritionally sound items. This means reading, writing, singing, visiting art museum’s, going to movies and concerts, feeding that which fuels and fulfills the magnificently creative being within me that has some idea that perhaps in another life she could’ve been a great artist or writer or speaker or rock star, I can’t stuff her down any longer for fear that she’ll be rejected. This means connecting with other humans of like mind and spirit because I have finally learned that you cannot force it, it comes naturally or it doesn’t. This means opening myself to the possibilities of love in all of its forms and forgiving myself. This means participating in activity that allows me to be outdoors, with animals or young children regularly. This means, when I am more able, to give back to the community that has given so much to me.
b) Intentional Interaction With Max
Max is changing very quickly and there isn’t much time to over-evaluate the situation with him, a course of action must be decided upon and stuck to, with enough flexibility to go with it as needed. We have faced an onslaught of challenges as of late and there are periods of reprieve amongst the madness. Much of which seems to come from my taking action to defuse the situation directly. Luckily, I am learning to take that time to reinforce to this young man that above all else, he is loved and valued. He will always have a home with me. He will never be alone in this life as long as I am around and even when I am not, I want him to know he’ll never be alone as a greater love exists, even bigger and more immaculate then the one I give him. I feel a strong sense of resolve regarding guidance at this time with him. I am learning to let go, slowly. It is not at all easy, but clearly necessary; your children don’t give you a choice do they? Finally, I’ve gotten it through my thick, needy, co-dependant head that it is not Max’s responsibility to some how define what this new life will look like for both of as he begins to explore himself and define his own existence, this is a change I must navigate on my own rather then react to and in the interim, there is much this child needs from me because while he may be a young man in the making, he is still a child and even in all of my infinite wisdom of 33 years old, I can see that we generally need guidance much longer then the legal age of 18 years old dictates. I may not have much experience to offer him then a mother of 43 or 53, but I have some….enough to at least see that this kid needs someone to be the capable one, to be the consistent, to give him room to make his own decisions and still be there to ground his being as is needed, to be the organic resource for kindness, compassion, love and patience. To just BE there, whether he is fully conscious of it or not. These are basic things that all parents should give to their children and I admittedly lost sight of that for a period of time. But now stepping back, going back to square one and clearing my mind of all my own gunk and redefining my approach with my son…it has made the world of difference for both of us in the day to day interaction. This kid needs me to be the clear headed, capable role model no one else can be for him and it is undoubtedly my duty to do the best I can to provide him with that in these coming months and years.
c) Career Path Focus
The Universe has made it abundantly clear, in no uncertain terms, that the position I hold within my current employment is one that holds tremendous potential for growth. I have no where to go but up here. I am managed by a woman I hold in nothing but the highest regard. Not only is she teaching me a great deal about what it is to be a professional female in this industry, there is something about her that I am connected to on another level. I appreciate her direct, save the drama for your momma attitude about everything in her life. She takes great joy in her children, her husband, she works hard, and she’s a teeny tiny thing and rides her own Harley. She doesn’t f*ck around for lack of a better term, she is something of a mentor to me and I know she also see’s me as one of her kids, all of us are her kids but I know that after this past year, we have bonded and grown closer that nothing else but the natural interactions between an employee and supervisor when said employee’s life appears to be falling apart and then said employee goes and breaks her leg. There is no doubt in my mind that there is much to be learned here, both professionally and personally and I have decided to dedicate 1 – 2 years of service after my .Net training is completed and I am no longer considered a Junior Developer, which will happen within the next 6 months. I owe this company at least a full year after my on the job training is completed as far as I’m concerned, if not more. Someone once told me that my loyalty can is one of my most valuable traits, possibly even to the point of determinant. In this case, I cannot help but feel a sense of loyalty to my team, all the way from my supervisor to my fellow developers to our admin staff. All that interpersonal stuff aside, the bottom line is that I am going to learn skills in these next years that will potentially establish me as a Senior Developer. This is no joke, it’s the kind of opportunity you don’t just walk away from and while things aren’t perfect here, I am paid decently, treated even more then decent and enjoy the flexibility that small development shops like this provide. As long as I am working here, I won’t have to be concerned about leaving early to pick my son up from the principal’s office or rush him to Urgent Care because he busted his foot open. And, I am paid to attend training. And, my training is paid for if I so choose, up to 2 certified classes per year. If there is one thing in my life I can focus my energies on that is nothing but positive and progressive, it is here. For now. Some day I can revisit non profit, but not today and I am finally of clear mind with that decision.
When one lays out the basics in such a way, it makes everything else that much clearer. Perspective is something easily lost if not considered consistently and I lost it for a while there. I won’t pretend that there will be days where I want to run away screaming from all of this because life is full of all kinds of potholes that can easily distract a girl. But I’ve been distracted a long, long while….I’m so over it. Perhaps this is an annual reflection best saved for the New Year, but the time feels like now to me, so I am going with it. I am still not exactly sure what I want to be when I grow up, but starting by just doing your best to live it right is about the best idea I’ve heard in a really, really long time.
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