Max is with his dad, up at the grandparent’s house in Idaho Springs. It is always much to quiet in the house without him. It’s a silence that only the absence of a child can leave. Every sound permeates the entire house and I find myself feeling more comfortable holed up in my bedroom, with Gaia on my lap, reading then anywhere else in the house at the moment.
In years past, when Max was with his father’s family for any period of time I took it as an opportunity to be social with friends or get work done. I now realize this can’t go on forever. I no longer need to use that time to go party and be “young” because I am growing up and so is he. Some day soon he’ll be spending longer and longer periods away from mom, away from home and I suppose it is in those spaces that I must begin to progress my activities accordingly. Navigating this experience is new to me. It is taking on the form of exploring the next chapters of my own life while Max is out beginning his own. It’s a noticeable transition, both internally and externally. For the first time in a long time, I feel like I am ready to establish some goals and go after them. Finishing my BA seems to be the most obvious and logical choice, plus it’s what I always said I would do when Max got old enough. Though, frankly, I am not entirely sure it’s what I truly want. I am not quite sure what this looks like yet.
There are times when I welcome this space from Max. Other times, like now, I don’t so much. We had such a gloriously relaxing Holiday (other then a stomach thing that made my life uncomfortable for about 24 hours) complete with too much food, movies and video games together. It is in those moments that I truly enjoy him and it is in those moments that we bond so that we can be there for each other when we aren’t enjoying each other so much. It was hard to let him go yesterday after such 5 days together that felt absolutely necessary, especially with the knowledge that we’ll face the standard “Mom, your rules are ridiculous and I don’t have to listen to you.” attitude upon his return, complete with irritability and crankiness that lasts for anywhere from 1 – 2 weeks. During this time period he is prone to pick fights, snap at me without provocation, and be of the mindset that he can do as he pleases without any sort of repercussion or consequence. Without fail, some incident always occurs at school either with a teacher or another kid. And unfortunately, this particular visit coincides with Max getting home on a Sunday and returning to school on Monday. I wish it weren’t the case, but I am prepared for a full on battle upon his return both at home and at school because besides the “Disneyland Dad Syndrome” he’s going to incur, he’s also facing being off school for two weeks and returning to start a new semester.
Goddess help us all.
So, in short while I am of the opinion that these visits are clearly something Max needs, it’s never something I look forward to in terms of the bigger picture because there is always fall out. I’d say it’s the most tangible example of how the primary care taker is almost always left to clean up the messes of the absent parent. It’s some straight up BS in my opinion, but happening nonetheless and it kills me to see my son come home and struggle like he does after these visits. It brings on momma bear rage and all sorts of feelings of frustration toward Sean AND the grandparent’s because it doesn’t have to be this way and I get tired of all the finger pointing that goes on. And I’m tired of pointing mine (can you guess which one?) at them, so I’ll stop before I begin ranting.
In other news, I have the option to take another 4 day weekend this weekend with the New Year’s holiday. I am considering it, though with my injury from this year and how I accrue PTO, I will be less some PTO for 2009 so I want to be sure and use those days wisely. I am thinking of a trip to San Francisco with Max. I think it might be a really great experience for him, to see where he was borne, where we lived, the beautiful city. I am not sure how I’d swing this financially; I may pick up a contract job after we move to do so. We’ll see.
Out for now friends, peace to you all.
Monday, December 29, 2008
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
*NOM NOM NOM*
My co worker made some of these and brought them OH MY FRIGGEN GAWD!
http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/george-duran/pumpkin-chocolate-chip-cookies-recipe/index.html
http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/george-duran/pumpkin-chocolate-chip-cookies-recipe/index.html
Monday, December 22, 2008
Never Thought I'd See The Day!
Well, I never thought I'd see this day come. That's right, you'rs truly.....bleeding heart - lefty - peace loving - liberal purchased an actual gun for her 16 year old son. Maybe I'm turning to the dark side after all?
Ha ha, don't get too excited....it's just an air rifle that shoots little plastic beads. A comprimise between a bb gun and a paintball gun. It's still not for wussies, it can totally put a hole in things and smarts like a mother if it hits you. You have to be over 18 to buy one and it is something that comes with a certain amount of responsibility attached to it, so it's an excercise in trust between a mother and her boy. I trust Max not to shoot an animal or little kids with it (those were the #1 rules, if an animal gets shot with that thing it's GONE!) and in general, I get the sense from him that he's not going to blow it. There are several rules along with this thing that include no damage to property, people or animals, that kind of basic stuff. Besides, his friends (who all have one and like to shoot each other in the ass with it wth?) are oohing and ahhing over it and Max is strutting around like a peacock over the whole thing, so apparently mom did good.
It's one of those things he knows he's lucky to have in the first place I guess. Especially coming from this slightly over-protective hippy momma, who wouldn't even buy him toy guns when he was a young boy and encouraged him more to play with lego's and cars and be outside with me in the garden. Yet, he'd still "shoot" things with bannana's or whatever else might be fashioned into a weapon so I'm certain this is some kind of genetic predisposition for males, you know...bang bang kill kill destroy destroy. I see it in the role playing video games he plays and rough housing that goes on with his friends, which only re-inacts some level of a sort of 'safe' violence...but it must serve some kind of purpose, right? *sigh* I don't totally get it, but I recognize it as some inherant need that needs to be acted out for him to grow up and be a man.
Besides, I shot it at the fence and knocked a pop can over and admit to feeling a slight rush when the can went down. Go Mom. It's the first kind of 'gun' I've ever fired and it makes noise and it's kind of heavy, but still I can sort of see the appeal for a 16 year old boy. Sort of:)
If you had asked me if this would've ever happened...say 10 years ago when he was a 6 year old in Kindergarten I would've said HELL TO THE NO! Parenting is unlike any other experience I've ever known. You gotta roll with it baby.
:)
Ha ha, don't get too excited....it's just an air rifle that shoots little plastic beads. A comprimise between a bb gun and a paintball gun. It's still not for wussies, it can totally put a hole in things and smarts like a mother if it hits you. You have to be over 18 to buy one and it is something that comes with a certain amount of responsibility attached to it, so it's an excercise in trust between a mother and her boy. I trust Max not to shoot an animal or little kids with it (those were the #1 rules, if an animal gets shot with that thing it's GONE!) and in general, I get the sense from him that he's not going to blow it. There are several rules along with this thing that include no damage to property, people or animals, that kind of basic stuff. Besides, his friends (who all have one and like to shoot each other in the ass with it wth?) are oohing and ahhing over it and Max is strutting around like a peacock over the whole thing, so apparently mom did good.
It's one of those things he knows he's lucky to have in the first place I guess. Especially coming from this slightly over-protective hippy momma, who wouldn't even buy him toy guns when he was a young boy and encouraged him more to play with lego's and cars and be outside with me in the garden. Yet, he'd still "shoot" things with bannana's or whatever else might be fashioned into a weapon so I'm certain this is some kind of genetic predisposition for males, you know...bang bang kill kill destroy destroy. I see it in the role playing video games he plays and rough housing that goes on with his friends, which only re-inacts some level of a sort of 'safe' violence...but it must serve some kind of purpose, right? *sigh* I don't totally get it, but I recognize it as some inherant need that needs to be acted out for him to grow up and be a man.
Besides, I shot it at the fence and knocked a pop can over and admit to feeling a slight rush when the can went down. Go Mom. It's the first kind of 'gun' I've ever fired and it makes noise and it's kind of heavy, but still I can sort of see the appeal for a 16 year old boy. Sort of:)
If you had asked me if this would've ever happened...say 10 years ago when he was a 6 year old in Kindergarten I would've said HELL TO THE NO! Parenting is unlike any other experience I've ever known. You gotta roll with it baby.
:)
Friday, December 19, 2008
FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!
I'm waiting for my co-worker to finish her issue so we can go to lunch and someone in this office has something delicious cooking in the kitchen and I'm going fall over dead soon if I don't get something in my belly.
Mom says I used to get REALLY cranky when I was hungry as a child, I can so see me throwing a tantrum over it. In fact, I remember once she was making these cabbage/hamburger roll thingy's that I used to LOVE and they smelled so good when they were in the oven cooking and I was literally salivating over the smells and my stomach was growling and I kept trying to open the oven door and get one, even though they weren't done. She wopped me good with a wooden serving spoon on the knuckles so I went over board with the crying and went into the fridge and took a HUGE bite of cheese, right off the block. Without cutting a piece or anything, just big ole teeth marks all up in that cheese. That'll teach her! My poor mother, I gave her hell on occasion. Between her and my Grandma Barbie, that wooden spoon and I became quite fammiliar.
So now, I'm sitting here starving and Raquel is making me wait for my food and I'm about to get all pouty about it.
I'm such a princess diva, omg.
Mom says I used to get REALLY cranky when I was hungry as a child, I can so see me throwing a tantrum over it. In fact, I remember once she was making these cabbage/hamburger roll thingy's that I used to LOVE and they smelled so good when they were in the oven cooking and I was literally salivating over the smells and my stomach was growling and I kept trying to open the oven door and get one, even though they weren't done. She wopped me good with a wooden serving spoon on the knuckles so I went over board with the crying and went into the fridge and took a HUGE bite of cheese, right off the block. Without cutting a piece or anything, just big ole teeth marks all up in that cheese. That'll teach her! My poor mother, I gave her hell on occasion. Between her and my Grandma Barbie, that wooden spoon and I became quite fammiliar.
So now, I'm sitting here starving and Raquel is making me wait for my food and I'm about to get all pouty about it.
I'm such a princess diva, omg.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Almost There!
In 3 days Solstice will be upon us and I always enjoy it so much, even when I’m being all cranky and scroogy, I still get pretty brightened up around Solstice.
I found THE coolest goddess coloring book and glitter pens online, I called Journey and they said they have them in stock. I hope they are still there by the time I make my way down there.
I plan to spend my Solstice coloring and cooking as it’s going to be the perfect weekend to stay inside and cook comfort foods. I already bought some candles for the occasion….I wonder if I can get Max to eat butternut squash soup….?????
I found THE coolest goddess coloring book and glitter pens online, I called Journey and they said they have them in stock. I hope they are still there by the time I make my way down there.
I plan to spend my Solstice coloring and cooking as it’s going to be the perfect weekend to stay inside and cook comfort foods. I already bought some candles for the occasion….I wonder if I can get Max to eat butternut squash soup….?????
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Brrrrr Dammit!
It is unusually cold in Colorado these days, 7 degree’s last night. Monday morning it was -11. Dood, this aging body does not manage the wildly fluctuating weather patterns of this state as much as it once did. I can’t get warm, no matter how much tea I drink or oatmeal I eat or sweaters I wear. I can’t get enough sleep, no matter how much I sleep. I can’t tell if it’s the crud or the weather or both. Probably both. I haven’t worked out in like 2 weeks now b/c of class last week and now this nonsense, I’m worried I’ll fall off the wagon. I was doing SO good and there is a noticable difference in my stress level when I work out regularly, as in….it becomes manageable and I’m not as prone to emotional outbursts and/or giving Max a piece of my mind when he surely wasn’t even asking for it or expecting it.
Poor kid. He’s been fighing this crap since Friday evening I think. Though he sounds much better today then he has over the past few days. He sounds almost croupy. If you’re kid ever had croup as a toddler, you know the sound. It is recognizable from the onset. He does seem on the mend tho and just texted me that he got the highest grade on the American History term final of anyone in the class! GOOOO MAX!
I finally put up few scant holiday decorations yesterday. I admit it sort of brightened the house up a little and I’d forgoitten how much I enjoy the lights. The lights are my favorite part of this time of year in terms of decoration, they sparkle and wink and talk to me. My hopes of getting cards out have faded, I’m choosing not to feel guilty about it.
We watched “Into The Wild” last night. I will be adding it to my “Sarah’s Top Movie Pick’s” list. You know, cuz my choices in music, theatre, film and literature matter a whole lot to the world. But, I’m keeping tabs of them anyway, maybe more for me then anyone else. So that when I’m an old woman, I can look back and trace my growth through the art’s? Perhaps.
“Into The Wild” is Sean Penn’s first directing/producing debut as I understand it. He is on my noted performer’s list, I began keeping close tabs on him after “I Am Sam”, “21 Grams” and “Mysic River”, all of which were heart wrenchingly profound for me, but his roles in particular in each were tremendous. Who knew Madonna’s ex bad boy would turn into such a phenomenal artist? You’re a stud Sean, seriously. I’m hoping to see you in “MILK“ this weekend.
“Into The Wild” quote I can’t get out of my head:
“….there is some kind of bigger thing that we can all appreciate and it sounds to me you don't mind calling it God. But when you forgive, you love. And when you love, God's light shines through you.”
Gives me shivers to hear it again. Ronald Franz (the character who said it) reminds me of someone I know, it makes me cry. The whole movie is full of these kinds of tidbits, little leaders into the bigger theme….and a lot of tears for this sniffle-puss. Sometimes, you hear something that you know is truth for you and it resonates. Much of what I saw in this movie resonated for me.
I am tired and need to wrap up my work day and netti pot my head. For the record (to my concerned public) I take vitamins, get plenty of liquids and I haven’t been smoking or eating crap. The degree and length to which these colds/sinus things last are less and less and further and further in between. It is my opinion that there is something in my office or home that is attacking my immune system which is already comrpimised by kidney disease, stress and many many years of beating the hell out of my body for which I am now recovering. I haven’t lost faith in the fact that I can, some day be consistenly well andm I also haven’t lost sight of the fact that I live with a teenager who brings all kinds of nastyness home from school. It is what it is, but I assure you all…I am taking very good care of myself. In fact, I’m being quite selfish about it and cancelling dinner things and other plans I’ve had for weeks so I can rest up and not be out in this freaking artic cold with a head that feels like a bubble and sinuses that are quite gooky.
It’s ALL GOOD
Poor kid. He’s been fighing this crap since Friday evening I think. Though he sounds much better today then he has over the past few days. He sounds almost croupy. If you’re kid ever had croup as a toddler, you know the sound. It is recognizable from the onset. He does seem on the mend tho and just texted me that he got the highest grade on the American History term final of anyone in the class! GOOOO MAX!
I finally put up few scant holiday decorations yesterday. I admit it sort of brightened the house up a little and I’d forgoitten how much I enjoy the lights. The lights are my favorite part of this time of year in terms of decoration, they sparkle and wink and talk to me. My hopes of getting cards out have faded, I’m choosing not to feel guilty about it.
We watched “Into The Wild” last night. I will be adding it to my “Sarah’s Top Movie Pick’s” list. You know, cuz my choices in music, theatre, film and literature matter a whole lot to the world. But, I’m keeping tabs of them anyway, maybe more for me then anyone else. So that when I’m an old woman, I can look back and trace my growth through the art’s? Perhaps.
“Into The Wild” is Sean Penn’s first directing/producing debut as I understand it. He is on my noted performer’s list, I began keeping close tabs on him after “I Am Sam”, “21 Grams” and “Mysic River”, all of which were heart wrenchingly profound for me, but his roles in particular in each were tremendous. Who knew Madonna’s ex bad boy would turn into such a phenomenal artist? You’re a stud Sean, seriously. I’m hoping to see you in “MILK“ this weekend.
“Into The Wild” quote I can’t get out of my head:
“….there is some kind of bigger thing that we can all appreciate and it sounds to me you don't mind calling it God. But when you forgive, you love. And when you love, God's light shines through you.”
Gives me shivers to hear it again. Ronald Franz (the character who said it) reminds me of someone I know, it makes me cry. The whole movie is full of these kinds of tidbits, little leaders into the bigger theme….and a lot of tears for this sniffle-puss. Sometimes, you hear something that you know is truth for you and it resonates. Much of what I saw in this movie resonated for me.
I am tired and need to wrap up my work day and netti pot my head. For the record (to my concerned public) I take vitamins, get plenty of liquids and I haven’t been smoking or eating crap. The degree and length to which these colds/sinus things last are less and less and further and further in between. It is my opinion that there is something in my office or home that is attacking my immune system which is already comrpimised by kidney disease, stress and many many years of beating the hell out of my body for which I am now recovering. I haven’t lost faith in the fact that I can, some day be consistenly well andm I also haven’t lost sight of the fact that I live with a teenager who brings all kinds of nastyness home from school. It is what it is, but I assure you all…I am taking very good care of myself. In fact, I’m being quite selfish about it and cancelling dinner things and other plans I’ve had for weeks so I can rest up and not be out in this freaking artic cold with a head that feels like a bubble and sinuses that are quite gooky.
It’s ALL GOOD
Monday, December 15, 2008
I am home sick today, so I'm going to write a quick update and go back to bed. And before anyone comments...I made it a whole 45 days since the "Great Strep Incident of 2008" and this isn't nearly as bad (I hope) just some crud Max brought from home that makes doing anything but laying down and breathing a challenge.....anyhow....
Training last week was incredible, what a fantastic opportunity. I'm glad the crud missed me long enough to attend, I learned so much and I am eager to get back to work and start applying it.
My weekend was a mixed bag. Rhi was in town to see Matt and we ended up having a pretty good time.
Friday night Rhi shows up with a new fairy for me, I think I am going to start collecting them. I'll post a pick of my current so ya'll can get a idea. They are too much fun. After our initial greetings and discussion, there was some shenenagans that included drunken kaorake, a visit from Sam The Man and his main squeeze and Rhi and I watching Gremlins in the middle of the night and giggling like school girls. BRIGHT LIGHT! I miss that, I miss having girlfriends in CO that I can be totally goofy with. There was a time when Crys & Rhi & I could not be trustetd, the 3 of us or any combination there of was definately prone to sillyness and they were good times. Those times are gone now and we all know that, but a brief revisit to sillyness never hurt anyone.
Saturday, Matty came over and we had some very AMERICAN Mexican food. Super generic, nothing terribley fancy...but edible. Matt seemed to be having a tough day, we'd planned to have Sam over to see him...but Nurse Sarah felt it was best to keep it super quiet. Matt is in my thoughts every day and seeing him sometimes helps me to reconnect what's in my heart with reality because I tend to get really worked up at times and seeing him more often is important, it will ground me. I am hoping we can make our "weekly dinner night" happen. I miss him.
So, through Sunday the weekend was a success in this sniffling girls opinion and I have to say, it brings a certain peace of mind to see Rhi doing well.
Sunday morning, Rhi calls the friends she rode out here with and they announce they aren't going back home (Chicago area) until Monday or Tuesday. This isn't acceptable, they basically stranded her in Denver and she had to report to work at noon today. I am not going to rehash the details but it all worked out for the best, Rhi got on a plane going one way to Chicago and met her friends there who took her home.
However, I will say this.....in this life you always have to have a back up plan. I know this, we all KNOW this but repeatedly I see it all around me. I went from "She Who Attemps To Control EVERYTHING" to "She Who Cannot Control ANYTHING" in a few short years and here I am, on the other side of it all with a whole new mixture of the two and everything in between. There are times when things happen that are out of you're control that you still have to navigaget and manage, whether it's your "fault" or not, whether you like it or not. Yes, there is much that can be done (like carefully choosing who you trust) to avoid ending up in said situations...but sometimes, it just happens. As a result, unfortunately, I've become rather jaded on the subject of relying on others in any way. There are people in my life I know I can depend on, no matter what. That I know love Max and I, that would never let us be on the street starving or left feeling alone during the tought times.
But I always wonder "At what cost to the relationship?" I'm learning that if I just handle it on my own and keep it to myself, I feel a lot less vulnerable.
Life can be so complicated, can't it? It does tend to be when you let people in doesn't it? I am still on the fence about whether there will be any "new" people "let in." So far, I'm not feeling it.
Ok, I'm off.....my whole body aches and Max just came down stairs to announce that he is nauseas and would like me to go get him some 7UP. Ha....and then monkey's are gonna fly out of my butt.
I'm going to bed.
Training last week was incredible, what a fantastic opportunity. I'm glad the crud missed me long enough to attend, I learned so much and I am eager to get back to work and start applying it.
My weekend was a mixed bag. Rhi was in town to see Matt and we ended up having a pretty good time.
Friday night Rhi shows up with a new fairy for me, I think I am going to start collecting them. I'll post a pick of my current so ya'll can get a idea. They are too much fun. After our initial greetings and discussion, there was some shenenagans that included drunken kaorake, a visit from Sam The Man and his main squeeze and Rhi and I watching Gremlins in the middle of the night and giggling like school girls. BRIGHT LIGHT! I miss that, I miss having girlfriends in CO that I can be totally goofy with. There was a time when Crys & Rhi & I could not be trustetd, the 3 of us or any combination there of was definately prone to sillyness and they were good times. Those times are gone now and we all know that, but a brief revisit to sillyness never hurt anyone.
Saturday, Matty came over and we had some very AMERICAN Mexican food. Super generic, nothing terribley fancy...but edible. Matt seemed to be having a tough day, we'd planned to have Sam over to see him...but Nurse Sarah felt it was best to keep it super quiet. Matt is in my thoughts every day and seeing him sometimes helps me to reconnect what's in my heart with reality because I tend to get really worked up at times and seeing him more often is important, it will ground me. I am hoping we can make our "weekly dinner night" happen. I miss him.
So, through Sunday the weekend was a success in this sniffling girls opinion and I have to say, it brings a certain peace of mind to see Rhi doing well.
Sunday morning, Rhi calls the friends she rode out here with and they announce they aren't going back home (Chicago area) until Monday or Tuesday. This isn't acceptable, they basically stranded her in Denver and she had to report to work at noon today. I am not going to rehash the details but it all worked out for the best, Rhi got on a plane going one way to Chicago and met her friends there who took her home.
However, I will say this.....in this life you always have to have a back up plan. I know this, we all KNOW this but repeatedly I see it all around me. I went from "She Who Attemps To Control EVERYTHING" to "She Who Cannot Control ANYTHING" in a few short years and here I am, on the other side of it all with a whole new mixture of the two and everything in between. There are times when things happen that are out of you're control that you still have to navigaget and manage, whether it's your "fault" or not, whether you like it or not. Yes, there is much that can be done (like carefully choosing who you trust) to avoid ending up in said situations...but sometimes, it just happens. As a result, unfortunately, I've become rather jaded on the subject of relying on others in any way. There are people in my life I know I can depend on, no matter what. That I know love Max and I, that would never let us be on the street starving or left feeling alone during the tought times.
But I always wonder "At what cost to the relationship?" I'm learning that if I just handle it on my own and keep it to myself, I feel a lot less vulnerable.
Life can be so complicated, can't it? It does tend to be when you let people in doesn't it? I am still on the fence about whether there will be any "new" people "let in." So far, I'm not feeling it.
Ok, I'm off.....my whole body aches and Max just came down stairs to announce that he is nauseas and would like me to go get him some 7UP. Ha....and then monkey's are gonna fly out of my butt.
I'm going to bed.
Sunday, December 07, 2008
Not A Peep....
You won't be hearing much from me this week....it's class time hoooray .Net! Class hours are from 8 - 4:30 each day out in the tech center so I won't be home until much later then my normal time, which will cause an obvious shift in my evening routines.
I'll do my best to answer emails during my lunch hours, I'll be working during that time anyways...
love you all
xo
s
I'll do my best to answer emails during my lunch hours, I'll be working during that time anyways...
love you all
xo
s
Thursday, December 04, 2008
For Which I Am Thankful....
It’s been a quiet, but steady seven days since this time last week. My long holiday weekend was relaxing, mostly solitary and reflective. Taking the time to consider the person one wishes to become and the person one is actually becoming can be cause for both a sense of satisfaction and arduous internal debate.
Are these two people destined to stand in opposition with one another indefinitely?
I suspect so to some degree. This opposition must be what motivates some of us to strive for something “more.” Whatever that “more” may be for you; monetary wealth or love or finding bliss or even on the more basic level of getting to the point where you are doing more then simply surviving. There must be more purpose to this life then simply surviving it? That’s another post topic all together I suppose so back to topic….
What I am learning, is that for now, for me, I will gladly start with simply striving to be the best person that I can. Going back to the basics I mean, it seems an obvious place to start doesn’t it? I’ve felt lost, unfocused and astray for so long now that it finally occurred to me that rather then flailing around like a wet cat, scratching my way through each day and not always feeling like I have much more purpose in my step then getting from one to the next, it’s time to take a direct inventory of myself and this life I’ve created. A sort of checks and balances of my thoughts, choices and actions from this point on.
At this moment for me, three shinning stars top the list:
a) Nurturement Of Self
Physical, spiritual, emotional, mental and psychological. Taking the time out to take care of myself first, I am tired of feeling selfish for doing so. I no longer tie myself to the idea that women aren’t suppose to do what’s right for them before anyone else, I am no longer married to the concept that I am not a good person unless I am giving more of myself then I am receiving. This is a period of self-renewal for me and I’m going after it and not looking back. Experience and age are beginning to teach me that time in this body is limited; I don’t intend to fritter it away any longer. This means incorporating that which fulfills my needs as high a priority on the “To Do List” as my son’s or the house cleaning or the laundry or my mother’s or my friends or anyone else. This means putting physical activity on the calendar 5 days a week in the form that most accommodates my style and desires. This means consuming a balance of both pleasurable and nutritionally sound items. This means reading, writing, singing, visiting art museum’s, going to movies and concerts, feeding that which fuels and fulfills the magnificently creative being within me that has some idea that perhaps in another life she could’ve been a great artist or writer or speaker or rock star, I can’t stuff her down any longer for fear that she’ll be rejected. This means connecting with other humans of like mind and spirit because I have finally learned that you cannot force it, it comes naturally or it doesn’t. This means opening myself to the possibilities of love in all of its forms and forgiving myself. This means participating in activity that allows me to be outdoors, with animals or young children regularly. This means, when I am more able, to give back to the community that has given so much to me.
b) Intentional Interaction With Max
Max is changing very quickly and there isn’t much time to over-evaluate the situation with him, a course of action must be decided upon and stuck to, with enough flexibility to go with it as needed. We have faced an onslaught of challenges as of late and there are periods of reprieve amongst the madness. Much of which seems to come from my taking action to defuse the situation directly. Luckily, I am learning to take that time to reinforce to this young man that above all else, he is loved and valued. He will always have a home with me. He will never be alone in this life as long as I am around and even when I am not, I want him to know he’ll never be alone as a greater love exists, even bigger and more immaculate then the one I give him. I feel a strong sense of resolve regarding guidance at this time with him. I am learning to let go, slowly. It is not at all easy, but clearly necessary; your children don’t give you a choice do they? Finally, I’ve gotten it through my thick, needy, co-dependant head that it is not Max’s responsibility to some how define what this new life will look like for both of as he begins to explore himself and define his own existence, this is a change I must navigate on my own rather then react to and in the interim, there is much this child needs from me because while he may be a young man in the making, he is still a child and even in all of my infinite wisdom of 33 years old, I can see that we generally need guidance much longer then the legal age of 18 years old dictates. I may not have much experience to offer him then a mother of 43 or 53, but I have some….enough to at least see that this kid needs someone to be the capable one, to be the consistent, to give him room to make his own decisions and still be there to ground his being as is needed, to be the organic resource for kindness, compassion, love and patience. To just BE there, whether he is fully conscious of it or not. These are basic things that all parents should give to their children and I admittedly lost sight of that for a period of time. But now stepping back, going back to square one and clearing my mind of all my own gunk and redefining my approach with my son…it has made the world of difference for both of us in the day to day interaction. This kid needs me to be the clear headed, capable role model no one else can be for him and it is undoubtedly my duty to do the best I can to provide him with that in these coming months and years.
c) Career Path Focus
The Universe has made it abundantly clear, in no uncertain terms, that the position I hold within my current employment is one that holds tremendous potential for growth. I have no where to go but up here. I am managed by a woman I hold in nothing but the highest regard. Not only is she teaching me a great deal about what it is to be a professional female in this industry, there is something about her that I am connected to on another level. I appreciate her direct, save the drama for your momma attitude about everything in her life. She takes great joy in her children, her husband, she works hard, and she’s a teeny tiny thing and rides her own Harley. She doesn’t f*ck around for lack of a better term, she is something of a mentor to me and I know she also see’s me as one of her kids, all of us are her kids but I know that after this past year, we have bonded and grown closer that nothing else but the natural interactions between an employee and supervisor when said employee’s life appears to be falling apart and then said employee goes and breaks her leg. There is no doubt in my mind that there is much to be learned here, both professionally and personally and I have decided to dedicate 1 – 2 years of service after my .Net training is completed and I am no longer considered a Junior Developer, which will happen within the next 6 months. I owe this company at least a full year after my on the job training is completed as far as I’m concerned, if not more. Someone once told me that my loyalty can is one of my most valuable traits, possibly even to the point of determinant. In this case, I cannot help but feel a sense of loyalty to my team, all the way from my supervisor to my fellow developers to our admin staff. All that interpersonal stuff aside, the bottom line is that I am going to learn skills in these next years that will potentially establish me as a Senior Developer. This is no joke, it’s the kind of opportunity you don’t just walk away from and while things aren’t perfect here, I am paid decently, treated even more then decent and enjoy the flexibility that small development shops like this provide. As long as I am working here, I won’t have to be concerned about leaving early to pick my son up from the principal’s office or rush him to Urgent Care because he busted his foot open. And, I am paid to attend training. And, my training is paid for if I so choose, up to 2 certified classes per year. If there is one thing in my life I can focus my energies on that is nothing but positive and progressive, it is here. For now. Some day I can revisit non profit, but not today and I am finally of clear mind with that decision.
When one lays out the basics in such a way, it makes everything else that much clearer. Perspective is something easily lost if not considered consistently and I lost it for a while there. I won’t pretend that there will be days where I want to run away screaming from all of this because life is full of all kinds of potholes that can easily distract a girl. But I’ve been distracted a long, long while….I’m so over it. Perhaps this is an annual reflection best saved for the New Year, but the time feels like now to me, so I am going with it. I am still not exactly sure what I want to be when I grow up, but starting by just doing your best to live it right is about the best idea I’ve heard in a really, really long time.
Are these two people destined to stand in opposition with one another indefinitely?
I suspect so to some degree. This opposition must be what motivates some of us to strive for something “more.” Whatever that “more” may be for you; monetary wealth or love or finding bliss or even on the more basic level of getting to the point where you are doing more then simply surviving. There must be more purpose to this life then simply surviving it? That’s another post topic all together I suppose so back to topic….
What I am learning, is that for now, for me, I will gladly start with simply striving to be the best person that I can. Going back to the basics I mean, it seems an obvious place to start doesn’t it? I’ve felt lost, unfocused and astray for so long now that it finally occurred to me that rather then flailing around like a wet cat, scratching my way through each day and not always feeling like I have much more purpose in my step then getting from one to the next, it’s time to take a direct inventory of myself and this life I’ve created. A sort of checks and balances of my thoughts, choices and actions from this point on.
At this moment for me, three shinning stars top the list:
a) Nurturement Of Self
Physical, spiritual, emotional, mental and psychological. Taking the time out to take care of myself first, I am tired of feeling selfish for doing so. I no longer tie myself to the idea that women aren’t suppose to do what’s right for them before anyone else, I am no longer married to the concept that I am not a good person unless I am giving more of myself then I am receiving. This is a period of self-renewal for me and I’m going after it and not looking back. Experience and age are beginning to teach me that time in this body is limited; I don’t intend to fritter it away any longer. This means incorporating that which fulfills my needs as high a priority on the “To Do List” as my son’s or the house cleaning or the laundry or my mother’s or my friends or anyone else. This means putting physical activity on the calendar 5 days a week in the form that most accommodates my style and desires. This means consuming a balance of both pleasurable and nutritionally sound items. This means reading, writing, singing, visiting art museum’s, going to movies and concerts, feeding that which fuels and fulfills the magnificently creative being within me that has some idea that perhaps in another life she could’ve been a great artist or writer or speaker or rock star, I can’t stuff her down any longer for fear that she’ll be rejected. This means connecting with other humans of like mind and spirit because I have finally learned that you cannot force it, it comes naturally or it doesn’t. This means opening myself to the possibilities of love in all of its forms and forgiving myself. This means participating in activity that allows me to be outdoors, with animals or young children regularly. This means, when I am more able, to give back to the community that has given so much to me.
b) Intentional Interaction With Max
Max is changing very quickly and there isn’t much time to over-evaluate the situation with him, a course of action must be decided upon and stuck to, with enough flexibility to go with it as needed. We have faced an onslaught of challenges as of late and there are periods of reprieve amongst the madness. Much of which seems to come from my taking action to defuse the situation directly. Luckily, I am learning to take that time to reinforce to this young man that above all else, he is loved and valued. He will always have a home with me. He will never be alone in this life as long as I am around and even when I am not, I want him to know he’ll never be alone as a greater love exists, even bigger and more immaculate then the one I give him. I feel a strong sense of resolve regarding guidance at this time with him. I am learning to let go, slowly. It is not at all easy, but clearly necessary; your children don’t give you a choice do they? Finally, I’ve gotten it through my thick, needy, co-dependant head that it is not Max’s responsibility to some how define what this new life will look like for both of as he begins to explore himself and define his own existence, this is a change I must navigate on my own rather then react to and in the interim, there is much this child needs from me because while he may be a young man in the making, he is still a child and even in all of my infinite wisdom of 33 years old, I can see that we generally need guidance much longer then the legal age of 18 years old dictates. I may not have much experience to offer him then a mother of 43 or 53, but I have some….enough to at least see that this kid needs someone to be the capable one, to be the consistent, to give him room to make his own decisions and still be there to ground his being as is needed, to be the organic resource for kindness, compassion, love and patience. To just BE there, whether he is fully conscious of it or not. These are basic things that all parents should give to their children and I admittedly lost sight of that for a period of time. But now stepping back, going back to square one and clearing my mind of all my own gunk and redefining my approach with my son…it has made the world of difference for both of us in the day to day interaction. This kid needs me to be the clear headed, capable role model no one else can be for him and it is undoubtedly my duty to do the best I can to provide him with that in these coming months and years.
c) Career Path Focus
The Universe has made it abundantly clear, in no uncertain terms, that the position I hold within my current employment is one that holds tremendous potential for growth. I have no where to go but up here. I am managed by a woman I hold in nothing but the highest regard. Not only is she teaching me a great deal about what it is to be a professional female in this industry, there is something about her that I am connected to on another level. I appreciate her direct, save the drama for your momma attitude about everything in her life. She takes great joy in her children, her husband, she works hard, and she’s a teeny tiny thing and rides her own Harley. She doesn’t f*ck around for lack of a better term, she is something of a mentor to me and I know she also see’s me as one of her kids, all of us are her kids but I know that after this past year, we have bonded and grown closer that nothing else but the natural interactions between an employee and supervisor when said employee’s life appears to be falling apart and then said employee goes and breaks her leg. There is no doubt in my mind that there is much to be learned here, both professionally and personally and I have decided to dedicate 1 – 2 years of service after my .Net training is completed and I am no longer considered a Junior Developer, which will happen within the next 6 months. I owe this company at least a full year after my on the job training is completed as far as I’m concerned, if not more. Someone once told me that my loyalty can is one of my most valuable traits, possibly even to the point of determinant. In this case, I cannot help but feel a sense of loyalty to my team, all the way from my supervisor to my fellow developers to our admin staff. All that interpersonal stuff aside, the bottom line is that I am going to learn skills in these next years that will potentially establish me as a Senior Developer. This is no joke, it’s the kind of opportunity you don’t just walk away from and while things aren’t perfect here, I am paid decently, treated even more then decent and enjoy the flexibility that small development shops like this provide. As long as I am working here, I won’t have to be concerned about leaving early to pick my son up from the principal’s office or rush him to Urgent Care because he busted his foot open. And, I am paid to attend training. And, my training is paid for if I so choose, up to 2 certified classes per year. If there is one thing in my life I can focus my energies on that is nothing but positive and progressive, it is here. For now. Some day I can revisit non profit, but not today and I am finally of clear mind with that decision.
When one lays out the basics in such a way, it makes everything else that much clearer. Perspective is something easily lost if not considered consistently and I lost it for a while there. I won’t pretend that there will be days where I want to run away screaming from all of this because life is full of all kinds of potholes that can easily distract a girl. But I’ve been distracted a long, long while….I’m so over it. Perhaps this is an annual reflection best saved for the New Year, but the time feels like now to me, so I am going with it. I am still not exactly sure what I want to be when I grow up, but starting by just doing your best to live it right is about the best idea I’ve heard in a really, really long time.
Tuesday, December 02, 2008
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