Snowflakes

We awoke this morning to our first official snow. Not substantial in terms of volume, but lovely nonetheless. I especially enjoy these early snow falls as it’s generally not so frigidly cold out side that the roads freeze over or anything more then a little extra layering is required to maintain a comfortable body temperature. Let me also just say (as I do every year since I first purchased the Baby Jetta) that I enjoy any excuse to heat up my buns via the Baby Jetta’s infamous individual climate control (or butt warmers as we like to call them.) I am still quite in awe of this technology, who knew 15 years ago when I first started driving that a girl could get into her car on a wintery day and in a matter of seconds become instantly warm and cozy, meanwhile every other mechanical aspect of the car is still trying to warm up and defrost and wipe away frozen bits…but I, the driver, am already totally comfortable and ready to rock and roll. Nice. It’s so easy to become spoiled by the little things in life isn’t it?

Today’s mood is a far improvement from yesterdays. These days I am finding that I am just moody some times for seemingly inexplicable reasons. Though I am quite aware of what these reasons most likely are as my body chemistry has experienced a pretty substantial shift in the past 6 months and when you spend 16 years of your life ingesting a hormone and then suddenly stop taking it, one’s body is bound to rebel. However, learning to manage these new changes in my biology has it’s challenges some days and it’s perfectly divine joys on others.

For example, as a whole I am in a much more positive state of mind in comparison to the past several years. I have more energy, am generally much more able to manage stress without breaking down and as a rule, tears don’t randomly spew from my eyes at the most inopportune time as they once did. Simply put, I am just a happier person all around and this isn’t something to question or otherwise debate with the Universe. I am of the opinion that a girl should just go with it and call it good!

However, it’s hard to know how much of this is based on the biological and hormonal changes or if it’s related to the emergence of “Self Version 5.0” which is still in it’s core development phase, but this new scope and functionality are quite the improvement from recently past versions of “Self” in which there were issues with broken hardware, severely defragmented disk drives, corrupted software and an aching mother board that was in dire need of reconfiguration in the form of lovin’, TLC and solitude. Or maybe I just feel good because I’ve stop polluting myself quite so harshly and my body is slowly making friends with walking paths, treadmills, stationary bikes, resistance equipment and lap pools. Or maybe I’ve rediscovered music and how critical it is to my survival. Or maybe I’m just finding myself again and it feels damn good. All in all, it’s safe to say that in spite of the challenges of these past few months which I know are just what life likes to bring to us to keep it interesting (challenging teenagers, strep throat, stubborn muscles that are still trying to heal) I would say I feel more on an even keel 90% of the time compared to that of oh…about 30% of the time about 6 months ago.

Unfortunately though, the other 10% of the time when I do feel like a crazy person….I SERIOUSLY feel fit to be committed. Today, I still feel the twinges of annoyance and irritability over stupid things like sounds that seem too loud, though I’m sure they really aren’t. I’ve actually noticed a significant intolerance to noise pollution in general since I’ve been back at work after my surgery. I can blast my car stereo to probably unhealthy decibels and find absolute bliss in that experience (especially on a Friday afternoon on my way home from work), but the heater kicking on just now above my desk and the 3 coworkers standing next to my cube babbling in Friday Speak right now is cause for teeth grinding and actual effort to not spin around in my chair and ask them to kindly find someone else to annoy. The television is another source of contention at the moment, I hate TV. I cannot even believe the new lows in which programming has reached and while I don’t watch it all that much of my own accord other then a few select programs that are admittedly mindless and probably feeding my brain full of garbage (I am addicted to a certain series on Bravo) it does seem that Max has that damn thing on all the time. In the past week I have done everything in my power to avoid that little box like the plague but it still incessantly spills out nonsense and chaos and it makes me want to scream. My new tactic with the man child is to simply keep him so busy with other things (working out together, making dinner, chores, reading..etc…) that he simply doesn’t even think about it. He’s going to be mortified when we move and he finds out that the cable TV is going bye bye. Oh woe is me, all hell will break loose. When Max was a small child I severely limited the amount of TV he watched, but as he’s gotten older I’ve gotten more lenient on the subject. He’s not a child any more, kids watch MTV even it is unbelievable sodding rubbish these days (not like in the good ole days when they actually aired video’s and it was THE hotspot for all things musical in the 80’s and early 90’s ha ha right? Cuz it wasn’t rubbish “Back in the day” riiiiight? LOL) and I realize that he mostly watches “man” programs about cars and how things are made and MythBusters and how fast the fastest super bike can go on the salt flats and air planes and so on….but it’s still noise and these programs are even noisier because apparently men have a lean attention span and don’t hear as well as the rest of us so the producers of these programs make everything very LOUD AND EXTREME ALL THE TIME! Argh.

Yesterday I found myself literally screaming at this woman who was (really) driving like a complete jack ass in front of me with my son in the car. The f-bomb was my best friend in that moment and Max just looked at me like I’d gone completely mad. I flipped her off and everything. The child has heard cuss words before, it’s not something we generally regulate in my home any more because there are bigger things to be concerned about then the choice use of words, but still….I cold tell that Max was pretty surprised by my behavior, as was I. It just sort of came out of nowhere.

So, as you can see that while some of these issues may be legitimate, I have experienced a new sense of intolerance I am not quite used to and it does feel related to my biology some how. That or maybe I’m just feeling less able to tolerate bullshit? My bullshit meter has been adjusted? I don’t know, I just know that this aspect of “Self 5.0” has some tweaking that needs to be done. It’s not all day lilies and rainbows, there is something sinister lurking internally and I’m still learning how to manage it. There has always been a darker part of my personality, a Goth gone wild girl inside of me that has been both a source of inspiration/creativity and an absolute menace, able to completely twist my world around and give me license to act like someone even I don’t recognize. She can be dangerous and self-destructive and while I am generally able to keep her at bay, I do my very best to embrace her and allow her self expression (else risk her wrath when repressed) in some healthy way because she’s always in there. Maybe this 10% is that girl inside me who doesn’t know what to do with all the hurt, anger and rage that doesn’t otherwise come naturally to me. Anyone ever see a movie called “Me, Myself & Irene?” Ha, I can relate. Maybe I should name her, like Crystal did with Jeebus  Give it a name, maybe that can make it less powerful?

Doh, I just go assigned some issues. YAY WORK. Ok, I’m off….the weekend has in store some good stuff for me. Tonight is Little India with Sandy McSandy Pants, tomorrow morning I’m hoping for a phone call w/ Crystal while I am packing/cleaning house and then Max and are off to a movie “The Boy In The Striped Pajama’s.” Karoake w/ Tammy may also be in my future for tomorrow night depending on my energy level and if she can get a sitter….I LOVE that Max can be on his own for a few hours on a Friday/Saturday night. Heck, he could probably even babysit and make a few bucks eh?

*smooches*