A Better Day

It's a better day.

I took a walk, wrapped my head around further steps for chasing my bliss and realized some painful, but necessary, choices I must make in the process. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be that happily content girl I long to see in the mirror. Perhaps I am just naturally tortured and angsty, perhaps I have not yet dealt with that which makes my heart ache so and she is under neath it all? Maybe I am just destined to repeat and repeat until I get a clue, because that seems to be the only way that I learn.

I sometimes envision a giant baby animated blue Buddha, watching me from afar. His little cherub face smiling and sort of "tsking" me. "Silly girl! Why must you persistently fight this when you already know the way?" Though, I'm sure he'd have something much wiser and more profound to say and I highly doubt he'd shaking his finger at me, but it makes me giggle.

I've been thinking long and hard about love. About how I want to love this life and myself and give to the world. I am perpetually confused by how easy it is to become so distracted and lost, and yet so enraptured and bound to the very concepts I wish to live by each day.

Sometimes it's too much to think about and still function. It wouldn't be hard to get lost in this place of constant wonderment, searching and learning. Except....life likes to slap me in the face though so I don't stray far into the clouds.

We watched "Juno" this weekend which made me cry and laugh equally hard. It's a sweet movie, it's a love story actually more than anything. I can tell you that it was an excellent movie to watch with my 15 year old. It prompted a plethora of questions from Max about getting pregnant and what it's like to be pregnant, which I was grateful for. He's ASKING the good questions. FINALLY, some real questions. I also wondered if it made him wonder about what things were like for me when I was pregnant with him. Abortion and adoption are both openly discussed in this movie and I wonder what he thought of that. If he can even put it all together, how complicated it all can be and the position I was in when I became unexpedtly pregnant. Hopefully, he'll know that he's here, with me and that's all that matters. Not the meandering mind of a 15 year old pregnant girl.

This week promises to be a repeat of these past few. Spring is a time of change, which my temperament naturally resists but my mind embraces. It is beautiful outside, so much to do before the summer gets here!