Dear Dogs and Cats,

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Don't think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking your tails straight out and having your tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years ---- canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is to kiss me, THEN go smell the other dog's or cat's butts. I cannot stress this enough. To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

RULES FOR NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

1. They live here, you don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture).
3. I like my pets better than I like most people.
4. To you it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted
son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Dogs and cats are better than some kids........ they eat less, don't ask
for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never
drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or
drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear
your clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars for college and if
they get pregnant, you can sell the children.