The funk has lifted! Last weeks general melancholy and exhaustion has sprouted wings and flown to the netherworld!
I suspect it is partly due to the sunny skies and spring a blooming' all about, partly because the raging hormones that make me a curvy beautiful woman have subsided a touch and partly because I finally had down-time with my two favorite men this weekend.
Saturday was fantastic, relatively quiet really other than the normal house cleaning and what not. We spent most of the day watching movies and munching:) Oh woops, I forgot..Max and I did have a slight blow out on Saturday, but it was managed well by all involved even tho it had the potential to escalate. Shout out to CMan for helping Mom keep her cool with Little Man. Normal boy stuff, but oh I was mad at Max there for a second. I'm so grateful Chance could take him for just an hour and give us both some breathing room. Max came home happy as a clam. Seems Chance did sneak him off to the RC Airplane store AND helped him fix his bike tires, NO WONDER he was so happy!
Sunday I seemed pulled in too many directions for a Sunday, but that's ok. I mostly felt guilty because it seemed people were calling on me almost all day and I really did not have the time or energy to get to the phone for one reason or another. I had Baby Evan a good portion of the day and when I got done with that, I basically fell asleep watching a movie with Max and then time for dinner and then I fell asleep again. Turns out my WA family was trying to call in between these interludes and my call with Crys didn't pan out as planned either.....bummer:(
Ah well, there's only so much Mango Sunshine to go around and I will do my best to catch up with people when I can. I tend to get very guilt ridden when I feel I have let someone down and missing a phone call or not getting to someone's email in time can bug me for a while if I let it. That's why I am trying to fit into my schedule one day/night a week to catch up with people, making phones call and respond to emails.
This week is proving busy as ever, soccer practice, therapy and committee meetings after work and well..there's work. I just know that at any minutes it's going to get insane, I feel it coming! These projects they keep promising me have to come to fruition eventually and the way this place works, it'll all be at once. Feast or famine.
I have also faced the fact that I am now P.O.O.R po po po!!!! Just poor damnit. It is what it is and I can worry all I want, but it's just the fact. We are happy in the house and life is good, we must find contentness in the decisions we've made and accept that Sushi is simply no longer in the picture. I also owe the IRS over a glitch with my W4 at my new work. I claimed too many dependants for the pay scale I am in and now I'm f'd. Ah well, live and learn. NOW..I just have to figure it all out. Not to mention Max's summer camp ($200/week) summer clothes (um, see "Man Jeans") that actually fit him and then school reg fee's. Trust me, it all comes up on you quick and I am learning that no more than ever I have to plan in advance or else we're screwed.
I plan to dig up some of my poetry, new and old and post accordingly. It's been a while since I put up anything other than my random thoughts that flow and spiral from equally random places.....ok, time to focus now and wrap up my day here and start my other life, outside of my cube.
toodles for now....
oh yes...check this out...
http://www.neitherparty.org
Monday, March 27, 2006
Friday, March 24, 2006
Man Jeans
Max is officially wearing Man Jeans as of March 18th, 2006. This means that boys or juniors jeans are no longer long enough for his very very VERY long legs. He does however, have to wear a belt because as we all know, he is very very VERY slim in the torso area.
Now, what this means to Max is that he's a cool guy now; a grown man really and I (as his mother) am really in no position to question or dispute anything he might say or do, because I am clearly completely full of crap (not to mention embarassing) and he has grown (over night) into a far more superior being then myself. He still likes me though, some times.
What this means for Mom is that the little bottom that I once chased down to diaper before he successfully crawled away naked has reached a milestone in life and it's both wonderful and surreal. I'm NOT sad about the lack of diapers in my life (though I still have to change them every weekend with The Baby Evan) but the surrealness stems from a place that lives in the hearts of all Mom's, he's evolving and growing quickly. His presence now is just as new and infinite as the day he was born. And when we time warp again to Max's 30th birthday, I'm sure I'll feel that sense of otherworldy wonder that only he fills me with.
Maybe by the time he's 30, I'll no longer be full of crap?
Now, what this means to Max is that he's a cool guy now; a grown man really and I (as his mother) am really in no position to question or dispute anything he might say or do, because I am clearly completely full of crap (not to mention embarassing) and he has grown (over night) into a far more superior being then myself. He still likes me though, some times.
What this means for Mom is that the little bottom that I once chased down to diaper before he successfully crawled away naked has reached a milestone in life and it's both wonderful and surreal. I'm NOT sad about the lack of diapers in my life (though I still have to change them every weekend with The Baby Evan) but the surrealness stems from a place that lives in the hearts of all Mom's, he's evolving and growing quickly. His presence now is just as new and infinite as the day he was born. And when we time warp again to Max's 30th birthday, I'm sure I'll feel that sense of otherworldy wonder that only he fills me with.
Maybe by the time he's 30, I'll no longer be full of crap?
Thursday, March 23, 2006
Dining Out For Life
Gang,
This organization is quite dear to my heart, one of my closest friends is a project manager there and I've been involved with Angel Heart for various different reasons for years. The need for their services is overwhelming and PAH succeeds in their mission winningly. This event is their biggest fundraiser annually and I like to share the information each year accordingly.
It's a great way to participate in an event that not only provides donations to Angel Heart but also provides it's participants with a fantastic meal. Cheers!
http://www.projectangelheart.org/events/d-b%20dol%2006.htm
This organization is quite dear to my heart, one of my closest friends is a project manager there and I've been involved with Angel Heart for various different reasons for years. The need for their services is overwhelming and PAH succeeds in their mission winningly. This event is their biggest fundraiser annually and I like to share the information each year accordingly.
It's a great way to participate in an event that not only provides donations to Angel Heart but also provides it's participants with a fantastic meal. Cheers!
http://www.projectangelheart.org/events/d-b%20dol%2006.htm
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
Another Gray Day
It's another gray day, I am just down in general right now I guess. I am very low on energy and feel disconnected from everyone in my life, except for Max at the moment. Which is odd considering our recent fall outs. It may be the weather, lack of personal time, just the general demands of my life maybe? I could find several sources in which I could point fingers, people I have frustrations with about one thing or another, but there is nothing productive about that. It will all pass I am sure, it is entirely up to me anyway, my happiness in this life. I am responsible for it in general, I guess the question is...what is to be done about the area's in my life in which I feel unsatisfied? I am not entirely sure, it will come to me. I am a pro at allowing this sort of emotion to run it's course and taking action (or not) accordingly.
I am looking forward to the weekend, some quiet time at home. I really need some time in my home, in solitude and with my family. Not sure if that will happen, we'll see. Hopefully Max will have a soccer game...his was cancelled this last Saturday, so I'm hoping to get out on the field with my big guy. He met with G (our therapist) last night and seems to like her, she really is great, I enjoy her tremendously thus far. When I came to meet with both of them, after their independent meeting, he was cracking me up...sort of putting on a show for her, he rarely does that so it must mean he likes her and wants her to like him He's pretty likeable, I doubt she'll have any problems with that:)
Sigh. I should get to work. I've got a report that needs finishing, it's pretty mindless (trapping nulls, calculating formulas) mostly - but time consuming. I've got a long day ahead of me after I finish this report though, today is the monthly close out for Anso and we are beginning the planning/design phases for 2 new projects which is very exciting, but again, time consuming. I'll be earning that vacation in August in the coming months I can tell you that.
Hope this finds you all well, take care.
l-s
The Dalai Lama On Happiness
I am looking forward to the weekend, some quiet time at home. I really need some time in my home, in solitude and with my family. Not sure if that will happen, we'll see. Hopefully Max will have a soccer game...his was cancelled this last Saturday, so I'm hoping to get out on the field with my big guy. He met with G (our therapist) last night and seems to like her, she really is great, I enjoy her tremendously thus far. When I came to meet with both of them, after their independent meeting, he was cracking me up...sort of putting on a show for her, he rarely does that so it must mean he likes her and wants her to like him He's pretty likeable, I doubt she'll have any problems with that:)
Sigh. I should get to work. I've got a report that needs finishing, it's pretty mindless (trapping nulls, calculating formulas) mostly - but time consuming. I've got a long day ahead of me after I finish this report though, today is the monthly close out for Anso and we are beginning the planning/design phases for 2 new projects which is very exciting, but again, time consuming. I'll be earning that vacation in August in the coming months I can tell you that.
Hope this finds you all well, take care.
l-s
The Dalai Lama On Happiness
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
Lil' Bummed This Morning....
Sorta bummed out this morning. I feel like I miss someone who is right there, right next to me. Max has also been gone for a few days, with Justin & Colleen and I miss him terribley when he's not home.
A little overwhelmed in general, finances, just too much to do and feeling like there's not enough hours in the day.
Last night, C and I were watching some Soprano's and generally just trying to catch up with one another. We were discussing finances and the fact that while we have everything we could possibly want, but we are broker than we've ever been and it is a huge adjustment for both of us. We are learning a lot about how to be "creative" with money. There is a lot of responsibility on our shoulders. I then said, very lightly, "Well, this is what we wanted, right? The house, I mean. We knew it was going to be a drastic change for us" Chance hesitated, paused and then said..."Yeah." Then, silence for quite some time. I'm not going to speculate today on what that silence means, but it adds a little to my mood this morning.
It would be a good day for cuddling up under the blanket with a pot of Hunny.
A little overwhelmed in general, finances, just too much to do and feeling like there's not enough hours in the day.
Last night, C and I were watching some Soprano's and generally just trying to catch up with one another. We were discussing finances and the fact that while we have everything we could possibly want, but we are broker than we've ever been and it is a huge adjustment for both of us. We are learning a lot about how to be "creative" with money. There is a lot of responsibility on our shoulders. I then said, very lightly, "Well, this is what we wanted, right? The house, I mean. We knew it was going to be a drastic change for us" Chance hesitated, paused and then said..."Yeah." Then, silence for quite some time. I'm not going to speculate today on what that silence means, but it adds a little to my mood this morning.
It would be a good day for cuddling up under the blanket with a pot of Hunny.
Monday, March 20, 2006
In unison, In full bloom....
I'm pretty tired, the weekend was packed and I don't feel rested one bit, but weekends like this are important to have at least once in a while. We essentially had company over the entire weekend. A fitting end to a fairly hectic week really.
Friday I was being pulled in multiple directions at work and am smack dab in the middle of a control battle between my project manager and my client. A flattering battle over my time it seems, of which I hadn't really understood the depths until Friday. My project manager is quite frustrated with the clients constant demands of my time, yet the client doesn't want to pay for an on-call, full time developer. But they treat me as such. Which doesn't bother me as they are the sole reason I was hired at PDC, but it sounds like a shift in my position may be approaching. I suspect it could be a very positive one for me, so I am excited. However, this "shift" will not occur until after June 1, so I've been instructed to keep on keeping on as if nothing is going to change...which is a little weird. My project manager knows it too, but she's asking me to just be patient and tolerant, so I will.
Friday night I had to go do my taxes with Gayle (C's Mom) and pick up Mj from her house, sounds like they had a fun day together. She's always very helpful in so many ways, I like that C's family is so cool, makes me love him even more. Max's friend met us at Gayle's house and I then spent the remainder of the night carting them around and waiting for them get done with their activities. I was in bed early, it felt good.
But then I was up early. 6:15 Saturday morning. Cleaning house, getting ready for the day. We mostly just got the house ready for our planned company for Saturday evening and went shopping, but I feel like I worked the entire day. C and I were very grumpy toward one another, I'm not sure where that tension bubbled up from but we managed to get on each other's nerves pretty good right before everyone came over and then I hardly saw him the rest of the night. What was supposed to be a small get together with another couple and their baby turned into a full-fledged party by the end of the evening. The men played XBox with the kids, gals and I played a board game and munched and drank beer. I really enjoy Beth, she's an interesting woman. I have a lot of respect for her loyalty to her family, when I feel like complaining about my life being hard...I think of her and how she never complains, she just does what needs to be done and moves on. She's a great Mom and Wife, her family is very lucky to have such a wonderful woman in their midst, they don't realize I don't think, but I do. Good job B! Then, just like that, everyone was gone. The skeleton crew remained and we ended up staying up way to late (again) but it was cool. I enjoyed meeting Mike (Rhi's friend) and even though there was some hard moments, the discussion that Matt and I had was long over due and desperately needed. Friendship isn't always easy, sometimes it's harder than you want it to be.
I spent the night feeling like I missed C, like I haven't seen him in weeks.
Sunday was spent attempting to clean the house, eating, playing with the baby and watching The Soprano's....it was nice, but it went by too fast and I still feel tired. Max is over at Colleen's for Spring Break this week (bless her heart, she's watching him basically for free) and I may ask her to keep him over night tonight so Chance and I can have a night to ourselves, some time to regroup. Plus, he's got two big pieces of Ahi Tuna to make me for dinner and that sounds like a great way to spend the evening together.
I do have a general sense of unrest right now, it may be due to the changes in season that are upon us. My physical body becomes restless when Winter Skins begins to shed, I begin to yearn for the longer days, warmth, water and hiking. This summer we have many projects planned, all of which I am eager to begin. Spring often brings me a sense of renewal and because I am not a particularly patient person, I am anxious and ready for that renewal to begin. You'd think by now I would've learned that no matter my excitement, forces do not bend to my every whim and longing for something, does not make it come to you any sooner. All in due time.
Max is doing well, I think he likes all this activity. He certainly enjoys being busy, now just to find the balance between keeping him busy and focused and keeping myself in balance. His soccer game was cancelled and I'm sure practice will be cancelled today, but I know he's digging the soccer thing big time. I can't wait to see him play:)
The office is practically silent, I'm sure it's the weather and that N is out today sick. Plus it's Monday, I know I'm not the only Weekend Warrior around here.
Merry Ostara (Spring Equinox) all, it is soon officially Spring and the Earth is about to "wake up" and blossom into all it's colorful magnificence. Soon there will be butterflies and longer days in which to play:)
Friday I was being pulled in multiple directions at work and am smack dab in the middle of a control battle between my project manager and my client. A flattering battle over my time it seems, of which I hadn't really understood the depths until Friday. My project manager is quite frustrated with the clients constant demands of my time, yet the client doesn't want to pay for an on-call, full time developer. But they treat me as such. Which doesn't bother me as they are the sole reason I was hired at PDC, but it sounds like a shift in my position may be approaching. I suspect it could be a very positive one for me, so I am excited. However, this "shift" will not occur until after June 1, so I've been instructed to keep on keeping on as if nothing is going to change...which is a little weird. My project manager knows it too, but she's asking me to just be patient and tolerant, so I will.
Friday night I had to go do my taxes with Gayle (C's Mom) and pick up Mj from her house, sounds like they had a fun day together. She's always very helpful in so many ways, I like that C's family is so cool, makes me love him even more. Max's friend met us at Gayle's house and I then spent the remainder of the night carting them around and waiting for them get done with their activities. I was in bed early, it felt good.
But then I was up early. 6:15 Saturday morning. Cleaning house, getting ready for the day. We mostly just got the house ready for our planned company for Saturday evening and went shopping, but I feel like I worked the entire day. C and I were very grumpy toward one another, I'm not sure where that tension bubbled up from but we managed to get on each other's nerves pretty good right before everyone came over and then I hardly saw him the rest of the night. What was supposed to be a small get together with another couple and their baby turned into a full-fledged party by the end of the evening. The men played XBox with the kids, gals and I played a board game and munched and drank beer. I really enjoy Beth, she's an interesting woman. I have a lot of respect for her loyalty to her family, when I feel like complaining about my life being hard...I think of her and how she never complains, she just does what needs to be done and moves on. She's a great Mom and Wife, her family is very lucky to have such a wonderful woman in their midst, they don't realize I don't think, but I do. Good job B! Then, just like that, everyone was gone. The skeleton crew remained and we ended up staying up way to late (again) but it was cool. I enjoyed meeting Mike (Rhi's friend) and even though there was some hard moments, the discussion that Matt and I had was long over due and desperately needed. Friendship isn't always easy, sometimes it's harder than you want it to be.
I spent the night feeling like I missed C, like I haven't seen him in weeks.
Sunday was spent attempting to clean the house, eating, playing with the baby and watching The Soprano's....it was nice, but it went by too fast and I still feel tired. Max is over at Colleen's for Spring Break this week (bless her heart, she's watching him basically for free) and I may ask her to keep him over night tonight so Chance and I can have a night to ourselves, some time to regroup. Plus, he's got two big pieces of Ahi Tuna to make me for dinner and that sounds like a great way to spend the evening together.
I do have a general sense of unrest right now, it may be due to the changes in season that are upon us. My physical body becomes restless when Winter Skins begins to shed, I begin to yearn for the longer days, warmth, water and hiking. This summer we have many projects planned, all of which I am eager to begin. Spring often brings me a sense of renewal and because I am not a particularly patient person, I am anxious and ready for that renewal to begin. You'd think by now I would've learned that no matter my excitement, forces do not bend to my every whim and longing for something, does not make it come to you any sooner. All in due time.
Max is doing well, I think he likes all this activity. He certainly enjoys being busy, now just to find the balance between keeping him busy and focused and keeping myself in balance. His soccer game was cancelled and I'm sure practice will be cancelled today, but I know he's digging the soccer thing big time. I can't wait to see him play:)
The office is practically silent, I'm sure it's the weather and that N is out today sick. Plus it's Monday, I know I'm not the only Weekend Warrior around here.
Merry Ostara (Spring Equinox) all, it is soon officially Spring and the Earth is about to "wake up" and blossom into all it's colorful magnificence. Soon there will be butterflies and longer days in which to play:)
Thursday, March 16, 2006
No, I haven't disappeared off the face of the planet....
Things are great, I am just slammed.
Work (no project, wahoo!)
Max's schedule (3 soccer practices, 1 game each week...you do the math)
My schedule (1 Son, 1 Full Time Job, 1 Hella Cool Dude, 3 soccer practices, 1 game each week, 3 work outs, therapy, social functions, volunteering, a full time life!)
I spend more time in the car these days than I thought was possible and can keep up the pace well into the evening I am learning. This is good, it would be ideal if my body no longer required at least 8 hours of sleep...but alas, it does and it let's me know as I've recently become narcoleptic (this Chance's diagnosis, not mine) if I lay down on something comfortable, I'm going to fall asleep sooner rather than later. Usually within about 15 minutes. ~ kiss ~ Sorry C, I know this takes away from our time together, but a girls gotta get some rest ya freaking Snore Monster! golly.
With that, I must go...but I will leave with you with two pieces of very valuable information....
Work (no project, wahoo!)
Max's schedule (3 soccer practices, 1 game each week...you do the math)
My schedule (1 Son, 1 Full Time Job, 1 Hella Cool Dude, 3 soccer practices, 1 game each week, 3 work outs, therapy, social functions, volunteering, a full time life!)
I spend more time in the car these days than I thought was possible and can keep up the pace well into the evening I am learning. This is good, it would be ideal if my body no longer required at least 8 hours of sleep...but alas, it does and it let's me know as I've recently become narcoleptic (this Chance's diagnosis, not mine) if I lay down on something comfortable, I'm going to fall asleep sooner rather than later. Usually within about 15 minutes. ~ kiss ~ Sorry C, I know this takes away from our time together, but a girls gotta get some rest ya freaking Snore Monster! golly.
With that, I must go...but I will leave with you with two pieces of very valuable information....
CMan got his promotion (GO TEAM! So proud of you babe, GOOD JOB!)
Max is doing great, I am also proud of him and all of his efforts. First soccer game this weekend! (GO TEAM! So proud of you babe, GOOD JOB!)
Until next time, peace out home chickens!
PS: At some point, you just have to laugh...the guy's a goober, what can I say?
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
~ Yawwwwwn ~ Streeeettccchhhhhhh
I am wiped out this morning, I am not sure what is wrong with me but I am dragging some serious ass over here. I'm trying to pump myself up and get motivated for the day, but my energy level is simply not cooperating. Too bad, I have a busy day that promises to last well into early evening. Maybe this giant cup of coffee will get things started.....
After several false starts, Max and I will begin therapy tonight. I will meet with her first and on the next visit, Max will visit with her and then we'll begin meeting together. We may switch off an on, some one on one time for both Max and I with her. I am pleased also, as this gal comes to me with fantastic referrals from 3 very trusted sources, so I feel confident in moving forward with her. Additionally, it is a husband and wife team, so my concerns about giving Max a directly male outlet may also be alleviated. We'll see, I am looking forward to working with someone neutral; outside of our circle, someone I can work through some issues with and hopefully, help Little Main gain his own perspective.
More later...busy day....search for Senator Feingold on the net, encouraging stuff going on out there, at least in the sense that someone on that level speaking out so brazenly...discouraging in the constant reminder that Democrats cannot seem to unite their efforts, that urks me to no end.
After several false starts, Max and I will begin therapy tonight. I will meet with her first and on the next visit, Max will visit with her and then we'll begin meeting together. We may switch off an on, some one on one time for both Max and I with her. I am pleased also, as this gal comes to me with fantastic referrals from 3 very trusted sources, so I feel confident in moving forward with her. Additionally, it is a husband and wife team, so my concerns about giving Max a directly male outlet may also be alleviated. We'll see, I am looking forward to working with someone neutral; outside of our circle, someone I can work through some issues with and hopefully, help Little Main gain his own perspective.
More later...busy day....search for Senator Feingold on the net, encouraging stuff going on out there, at least in the sense that someone on that level speaking out so brazenly...discouraging in the constant reminder that Democrats cannot seem to unite their efforts, that urks me to no end.
Thursday, March 09, 2006
A Different Day
Yesterday was a strange day, seems the Universe and I were on a collision course with conflict. Felt like every which way I turned, I ran into it. Family, at my work, with C...I guess I just need to dust myself off and look upward to a new, bright and shiny day. One gift that conflicts bring to us is the notion of compromise, humbling oneself and empathy. It is a not a contest, who's right and wrong. It's a lesson, an experience...you gain something from the experience of conflict, even if it is unpleasant, it is a necessary evil. I've learned alot about myself through those interactions.
The drive in was beautiful, very foggy, a sort of solemn vibe. Jammed out some Radiohead for the first time in months and remembered why it was I was initially captivated. Thom's voices is romantically brutal. He makes me want to cry, laugh and acknowledge the ironies in all things that are "life." Plus, those cd's bring back so many memories, very low periods in my life where I was learning everything and being nothing. Sitting on my floor just trying to understand and not finding the energy to cry even one more tear. And the days on the lake with KB and Isaac, the young and the frivolous; not knowing anything about everything, even though we thought we did. The show's with Bryan, Kim & Sandy. All of us awed by the experience, especially the front row seats at Red Rocks. A wonderful intenseness, still gives me shivers, I'm so happy we could share that together. I hear Radiohead is touring this year, it is something I'll be keeping a close eye on.
Nothing more I wish to write about at the moment, I should get to work and be focused. There is an odd sense in the office this week, it's very tense and I'm unsure of the source or sources. I am doing my best to stay under the radar until it blows over. Definitely a mood, yeah...definitely a mood. I'm an excellent driver.
The drive in was beautiful, very foggy, a sort of solemn vibe. Jammed out some Radiohead for the first time in months and remembered why it was I was initially captivated. Thom's voices is romantically brutal. He makes me want to cry, laugh and acknowledge the ironies in all things that are "life." Plus, those cd's bring back so many memories, very low periods in my life where I was learning everything and being nothing. Sitting on my floor just trying to understand and not finding the energy to cry even one more tear. And the days on the lake with KB and Isaac, the young and the frivolous; not knowing anything about everything, even though we thought we did. The show's with Bryan, Kim & Sandy. All of us awed by the experience, especially the front row seats at Red Rocks. A wonderful intenseness, still gives me shivers, I'm so happy we could share that together. I hear Radiohead is touring this year, it is something I'll be keeping a close eye on.
Nothing more I wish to write about at the moment, I should get to work and be focused. There is an odd sense in the office this week, it's very tense and I'm unsure of the source or sources. I am doing my best to stay under the radar until it blows over. Definitely a mood, yeah...definitely a mood. I'm an excellent driver.
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
Quickly Loosing Patience
I am quickly loosing my patience with some of the women in my life who claim to love me; yet they continue to lie, belittle or attempt to manipulate me.
I am drawing the line. No more drama.
I do not know what form this will take, if it means I must remove you from my life, I will not hesitate. It is not my desire to do so, but I will feel no remorse in taking a stance that not only honors my own mental health, but that of my family as well.
It angers me that I've allowed this abuse to go on for so long, I am the one that must reconcile that anger with myself and I won't allow it to cast bitterness unto my heart. In the interim, I have the power to say no more and move on.
If you can approach me with integrity, honesty and be forthcoming, without motive; I am open. But the blatant lies, the condescending remarks, the attempts to control me or will me to do as you please for your own benefit is no longer something I wish to engage in. I am the fool for allowing it to occur for so long without defending myself or the needs of my family, I guess it is my very idealism that often causes my blindness. Again, this is something I must reconcile within me and I do not lay blame unto others for the past, but I have the choice now to make different decisions about how I allow others to treat me and let the chips fall where they may.
For me, one of the most painful aspects of this issue is that this comes from the women in my life who are supposed to be of support and unconditional love, there is so much power and strength in feminine union and these sources choose not to acknowledge that power, only fight against it and disrespect it. It is a betrayal and I it hurts my heart to acknowledge that it is real.
We all learn lessons about boundaries in our life time. I realize that others are often not intentional in their behaviors. I am not an unkind person and I would never turn someone away if they truly needed me, but we all also have personal rights. I am choosing to honor my own personal rights, something I've not done for far too long.
I feel a tremendous weight removed, just be releasing this energy. I do not wish to wallow in this frustration all day and this is why I must release it, to move forward and empower my own decisions.
Blessed be all, I hope this Wednesday finds you all in glorious harmony with your surroundings and your loved ones and YOUR SELF.
I am drawing the line. No more drama.
I do not know what form this will take, if it means I must remove you from my life, I will not hesitate. It is not my desire to do so, but I will feel no remorse in taking a stance that not only honors my own mental health, but that of my family as well.
It angers me that I've allowed this abuse to go on for so long, I am the one that must reconcile that anger with myself and I won't allow it to cast bitterness unto my heart. In the interim, I have the power to say no more and move on.
If you can approach me with integrity, honesty and be forthcoming, without motive; I am open. But the blatant lies, the condescending remarks, the attempts to control me or will me to do as you please for your own benefit is no longer something I wish to engage in. I am the fool for allowing it to occur for so long without defending myself or the needs of my family, I guess it is my very idealism that often causes my blindness. Again, this is something I must reconcile within me and I do not lay blame unto others for the past, but I have the choice now to make different decisions about how I allow others to treat me and let the chips fall where they may.
For me, one of the most painful aspects of this issue is that this comes from the women in my life who are supposed to be of support and unconditional love, there is so much power and strength in feminine union and these sources choose not to acknowledge that power, only fight against it and disrespect it. It is a betrayal and I it hurts my heart to acknowledge that it is real.
We all learn lessons about boundaries in our life time. I realize that others are often not intentional in their behaviors. I am not an unkind person and I would never turn someone away if they truly needed me, but we all also have personal rights. I am choosing to honor my own personal rights, something I've not done for far too long.
I feel a tremendous weight removed, just be releasing this energy. I do not wish to wallow in this frustration all day and this is why I must release it, to move forward and empower my own decisions.
Blessed be all, I hope this Wednesday finds you all in glorious harmony with your surroundings and your loved ones and YOUR SELF.
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
This Monkey's Going To Heaven....
Hrm, still sick. Coughing and hacking and generally feeling run down. It's got to wrap up soon, I am taking allergy meds now so that should clear this up within the next few days or so. Meanwhile, the house is a disaster and my excercise regime is suffering greatly. Both of these issues annoy me, partly becuase it is a reminder that I am simply not allowed to have down time. Maybe a time will come in my life where I don't have to work full time and can enjoy my home and keep it in the condition I wish it to be AND work out regularly AND volunteer AND be able to be home with Max after shcool/in the summers....etc...that is unlikely for numerous reasons though, the main one being that I like my job and like having money to live on.
I should complain, right? Like my life is so hard, really I should be spanked for being so bratty! Bahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhd Sarah!
Cindy Sheehan has been arrested again. I remember a time when her face and name were plastered all over the news and I still see her frequently on CSpan, but it does sadden me that as quickly as her cause was in the limelight, it faded again. It doesn't surprise me, just hurts that part of me that knows things are bad. This morning on Democracy Now, Amy Goodman was speaking with a Brittish Medic who resigned last year due to his discontent and horror about what he'd seen in Iraq. It was a moving interview, detailing this mans experience and the experiences of British and US military forces he saw while on duty. One number that keeps flashing in my mind is 8,000. More than 8,000 US Soldiers have deserted the US Military since we went to Iraq.
8,000 Plus? What does that say? I'd like to see that figure plastered all over Good Morning America or the local 10 o'clock news. If GWB's current approval rating is an indication though, folks are finally getting it. This is encouraging, but I still have fears of damage that cannot be undone, lives that continue to be lost and the perceptions the World Nation clearly has of America and it's citizens. If I could find a way to speak out and let the world's people know that there are so many American's who do believe in Democracy and do believe in freedom and tolerance and a global perspective. That there are so many of us who do not agree with our Government's behavior and decisions, that in fact a large portion find it appalling. I know I'm not the only one who yearns to make it known, to the world that I didn't vote for GWB and I didn't vote for this war and I didn't vote for the degradation. sigh.
I must go now, work beckons, I leave you with this.....
I should complain, right? Like my life is so hard, really I should be spanked for being so bratty! Bahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhd Sarah!
Cindy Sheehan has been arrested again. I remember a time when her face and name were plastered all over the news and I still see her frequently on CSpan, but it does sadden me that as quickly as her cause was in the limelight, it faded again. It doesn't surprise me, just hurts that part of me that knows things are bad. This morning on Democracy Now, Amy Goodman was speaking with a Brittish Medic who resigned last year due to his discontent and horror about what he'd seen in Iraq. It was a moving interview, detailing this mans experience and the experiences of British and US military forces he saw while on duty. One number that keeps flashing in my mind is 8,000. More than 8,000 US Soldiers have deserted the US Military since we went to Iraq.
8,000 Plus? What does that say? I'd like to see that figure plastered all over Good Morning America or the local 10 o'clock news. If GWB's current approval rating is an indication though, folks are finally getting it. This is encouraging, but I still have fears of damage that cannot be undone, lives that continue to be lost and the perceptions the World Nation clearly has of America and it's citizens. If I could find a way to speak out and let the world's people know that there are so many American's who do believe in Democracy and do believe in freedom and tolerance and a global perspective. That there are so many of us who do not agree with our Government's behavior and decisions, that in fact a large portion find it appalling. I know I'm not the only one who yearns to make it known, to the world that I didn't vote for GWB and I didn't vote for this war and I didn't vote for the degradation. sigh.
I must go now, work beckons, I leave you with this.....
When a soul is out of the cocoon of the three bodies
it escapes forever from the law of relativity
and becomes the ineffable Ever-Existent.
Behold the butterfly of Omnipresence,
its wings etched with stars and moons and suns!
The soul expanded into Spirit remains alone in the region of lightless light,
darkless dark, thoughtless thought,
intoxicated with its ecstasy of joy in God's dream of cosmic creation.
From: Autobiography of a Yogi, p490, Chapter 43, by Paramahansa Yogananda, published by Rider (1996).
Monday, March 06, 2006
Hellllooooooooo From The Other Side Of The Universe
Hello Boys & Girls.
Sorry for the lack of communication on my end, I've been in and out functional consciousness now for about a week. There is some nasty-ass viral funk going around and I've managed to catch it and am now trying desperately to release it.
A few notations about being ill:
- My life doesn't care if I should be in bed or have a fever.
- The demands are real and plenty and being "sick" is a poor excuse apparently, for things not getting done.
- I cannot just stay in the house, even if I am taking a sick-day from work and NOT work, do laundry or dig into unpacked boxes that need to be organized.
- I am irritated that I have had to use PTO (paid time off) for sick days rather than having fun days.
I'm sick of being sick, so I am moving on and pretending it is not happening.
In other news, my car just got it's first tune up and 20k mile maintenance from the dealership since I bought her. She's running like a champ and the Baby Jetta is now shining in all her glory, she is a very happy Baby Jetta. Entirely too much fun to drive, I can feel everything firing properly under that hood and when that turbo kicks in...I'm like ~ squoooosh ~ Is it wrong to have such devout love for a large metal object that is killing Mother Earth? It probably really is, but I am quite fond of the Baby Jetta and will take my lumps according when I must face my judgments.
Speaking of taking my lumps, it has come to my attention that I have in-advertantly offended a friend of a friend several weeks back during some late night shenanigans. Naturally, I feel I must take responsibility in this offense as it is my intention to do no harm unto others. So I of course I will apologize and humbly move on, having learned a very valuable lesson. My only request would be that in the future, if someone finds themselves offended or hurt by my behaviors or actions, that they come directly to me with it rather than discussing it behind my back. It is embarrassing and disrespectful, the idea that my "friends" would have a round table discussion on how to "handle" me when a simple request would suffice. Anyone who knows anything about me knows that. But, I cannot control how others will behave only my reactions to their behavior.
This issue leads me into the next that has been on my mind as of late and that is me and my big mouth. You would think that by now in my life time, I would have learned that not all not all are comfortable with my forthcoming and direct nature. For some, my bluntness is often construed as offensive, rude, crass or considered over the top. Mostly, I could give a crap what most people think.. I stand by my "What you see is what you get." approach to life and my interactions with others. I am not a vision of perfection by any means, but I also don't feel the need to hide who I am through public and social facade. If something comes out of my mouth, one can be rest assured it doesn't come out of my mouth to intentionally offend, disrespect or dishonor another. Those are the words that have spewed forth from my heart, mind or spirit at any given moment and tho it may not always be comfortable for everyone involved, I won't be put on trial or guilted for speaking the truth. And there are times when I am very silly and very giggling and this some how bothers people. Ah well. If I love someone, I will speak it. If I am curious about someone or something, I'm going to investigate it openly. If I am angry, in pain, frustrated, etc...I'm not going to hide it. If I see something that strikes me as completely wrong, I'm not going change sides for the sake of a false peace. Why should I? I've spent years finding my voice, I like it alot and am proud to have it.
Having said all this, I have had some serious realizations about the extent of fakeness in our culture and there are days when I do wish to crawl into a shell and smile and nod and be complacent. It would be a hell of alot easier. And some times I do, just cuz I don't have the energy or quickly realize what we all do on those days..."it's just not worth it." Sometimes, it takes time for some of us to learn when to shut the hell up. Sometimes, it takes a while for some of us to learn whether or not it's really that important to them..."What will others think of me if I don't shut the hell up?"
Interesting ponderings indeed, but I am moving on from that subject now.
Max is doing well, playing soccer again and has several more practices a week then in previous seasons. I am excited for him, I think this league will be a good transition for him out of the recreational soccer realm and into the more competitive. He is so adorable, we've been having a lot of fun lately.
Matty showed up at my door at 10 am yesterday morning, having drove some ridiculous number of hours from Reno to get to Colorado. I squealed and squished him and was very happy to see him. I know Rhi is relieved that he is home and I am too I guess, I think we like to keep an eye on him. Matt has more Mothers, Sisters and Girls than he knows what to do with I think. Either way, I am happy he's home just in time for summer and I am looking forward to a weekend camping trip or something hopefully. That is if I can wash his mouth out with soap first, he's picked up a M.O.U.T.H. from hanging out with all those glass guys :)
CMan is laid up with some sort of neck injury, he is very uncomfortable and I am very concerned. I hope it's nothing serious, but he slept downstairs last night and I missed him terribly. I plan to harass him all day until he goes to the doc.
Shout out to Rhi & Matt for showing up at Dan A's show last night. Thank you for taking the time to participate in the life of someone who is very important to me. Mary was very touched that you guys could take the time to make it, it means alot. Supporting kids in their creative ventures is a pivotal role in their ultimate success. He looked so great up there, on that stage. I could still see his 7 year old sweet little face in his 17 year old, "all grown up and a dude now" body. I think Max's reaction to the punk club was a highlight of the evening for me, one of Max's first exposures to less than suburban life :) Freaking cracked me up!
Oh yes, and thanks to Rhi for bringing over the Tupac dvd's. I miss him so much, I hope to see more of his work published and his message being propagated in the community.
The weekend was fun over all, tho I spent most of it on the couch or being sick. I had some silly fun with Rhi Friday night, it was nice to see her. The coming weekend will be all about the folks and family, so it was nice to have a little silly fun time with my girl.
And on a final note, I'd like to say a little something about trust. Clear, honest and concise boundaries are the first step in giving and receiving trust in any situation. If once those boundaries have been established, they are crossed, then perhaps one can than find a reason to distrust the other. But if you don't know where your heart sits, where your own personal boundaries are in general, in life, then how can another? If one is firm within themselves and with others about their personal conviction, then there is no question about the boundaries and thus the trust. Sometimes, we need to explain to others what it might be that might hurt us or causes us to question another persons love or loyalty. Until telepathic communication is accepted and practiced by human beings, we cannot know what the other is thinking/feeling/etc...without communications and you can't communicate how you feel about something to someone until you've thought it through yourself.
Until next time, peace out ya'll.
L-S
Sorry for the lack of communication on my end, I've been in and out functional consciousness now for about a week. There is some nasty-ass viral funk going around and I've managed to catch it and am now trying desperately to release it.
A few notations about being ill:
- My life doesn't care if I should be in bed or have a fever.
- The demands are real and plenty and being "sick" is a poor excuse apparently, for things not getting done.
- I cannot just stay in the house, even if I am taking a sick-day from work and NOT work, do laundry or dig into unpacked boxes that need to be organized.
- I am irritated that I have had to use PTO (paid time off) for sick days rather than having fun days.
I'm sick of being sick, so I am moving on and pretending it is not happening.
In other news, my car just got it's first tune up and 20k mile maintenance from the dealership since I bought her. She's running like a champ and the Baby Jetta is now shining in all her glory, she is a very happy Baby Jetta. Entirely too much fun to drive, I can feel everything firing properly under that hood and when that turbo kicks in...I'm like ~ squoooosh ~ Is it wrong to have such devout love for a large metal object that is killing Mother Earth? It probably really is, but I am quite fond of the Baby Jetta and will take my lumps according when I must face my judgments.
Speaking of taking my lumps, it has come to my attention that I have in-advertantly offended a friend of a friend several weeks back during some late night shenanigans. Naturally, I feel I must take responsibility in this offense as it is my intention to do no harm unto others. So I of course I will apologize and humbly move on, having learned a very valuable lesson. My only request would be that in the future, if someone finds themselves offended or hurt by my behaviors or actions, that they come directly to me with it rather than discussing it behind my back. It is embarrassing and disrespectful, the idea that my "friends" would have a round table discussion on how to "handle" me when a simple request would suffice. Anyone who knows anything about me knows that. But, I cannot control how others will behave only my reactions to their behavior.
This issue leads me into the next that has been on my mind as of late and that is me and my big mouth. You would think that by now in my life time, I would have learned that not all not all are comfortable with my forthcoming and direct nature. For some, my bluntness is often construed as offensive, rude, crass or considered over the top. Mostly, I could give a crap what most people think.. I stand by my "What you see is what you get." approach to life and my interactions with others. I am not a vision of perfection by any means, but I also don't feel the need to hide who I am through public and social facade. If something comes out of my mouth, one can be rest assured it doesn't come out of my mouth to intentionally offend, disrespect or dishonor another. Those are the words that have spewed forth from my heart, mind or spirit at any given moment and tho it may not always be comfortable for everyone involved, I won't be put on trial or guilted for speaking the truth. And there are times when I am very silly and very giggling and this some how bothers people. Ah well. If I love someone, I will speak it. If I am curious about someone or something, I'm going to investigate it openly. If I am angry, in pain, frustrated, etc...I'm not going to hide it. If I see something that strikes me as completely wrong, I'm not going change sides for the sake of a false peace. Why should I? I've spent years finding my voice, I like it alot and am proud to have it.
Having said all this, I have had some serious realizations about the extent of fakeness in our culture and there are days when I do wish to crawl into a shell and smile and nod and be complacent. It would be a hell of alot easier. And some times I do, just cuz I don't have the energy or quickly realize what we all do on those days..."it's just not worth it." Sometimes, it takes time for some of us to learn when to shut the hell up. Sometimes, it takes a while for some of us to learn whether or not it's really that important to them..."What will others think of me if I don't shut the hell up?"
Interesting ponderings indeed, but I am moving on from that subject now.
Max is doing well, playing soccer again and has several more practices a week then in previous seasons. I am excited for him, I think this league will be a good transition for him out of the recreational soccer realm and into the more competitive. He is so adorable, we've been having a lot of fun lately.
Matty showed up at my door at 10 am yesterday morning, having drove some ridiculous number of hours from Reno to get to Colorado. I squealed and squished him and was very happy to see him. I know Rhi is relieved that he is home and I am too I guess, I think we like to keep an eye on him. Matt has more Mothers, Sisters and Girls than he knows what to do with I think. Either way, I am happy he's home just in time for summer and I am looking forward to a weekend camping trip or something hopefully. That is if I can wash his mouth out with soap first, he's picked up a M.O.U.T.H. from hanging out with all those glass guys :)
CMan is laid up with some sort of neck injury, he is very uncomfortable and I am very concerned. I hope it's nothing serious, but he slept downstairs last night and I missed him terribly. I plan to harass him all day until he goes to the doc.
Shout out to Rhi & Matt for showing up at Dan A's show last night. Thank you for taking the time to participate in the life of someone who is very important to me. Mary was very touched that you guys could take the time to make it, it means alot. Supporting kids in their creative ventures is a pivotal role in their ultimate success. He looked so great up there, on that stage. I could still see his 7 year old sweet little face in his 17 year old, "all grown up and a dude now" body. I think Max's reaction to the punk club was a highlight of the evening for me, one of Max's first exposures to less than suburban life :) Freaking cracked me up!
Oh yes, and thanks to Rhi for bringing over the Tupac dvd's. I miss him so much, I hope to see more of his work published and his message being propagated in the community.
The weekend was fun over all, tho I spent most of it on the couch or being sick. I had some silly fun with Rhi Friday night, it was nice to see her. The coming weekend will be all about the folks and family, so it was nice to have a little silly fun time with my girl.
And on a final note, I'd like to say a little something about trust. Clear, honest and concise boundaries are the first step in giving and receiving trust in any situation. If once those boundaries have been established, they are crossed, then perhaps one can than find a reason to distrust the other. But if you don't know where your heart sits, where your own personal boundaries are in general, in life, then how can another? If one is firm within themselves and with others about their personal conviction, then there is no question about the boundaries and thus the trust. Sometimes, we need to explain to others what it might be that might hurt us or causes us to question another persons love or loyalty. Until telepathic communication is accepted and practiced by human beings, we cannot know what the other is thinking/feeling/etc...without communications and you can't communicate how you feel about something to someone until you've thought it through yourself.
Until next time, peace out ya'll.
L-S
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